Extra Ultra (excerpt) by Kate Condé Hamilton

EXTRA ULTRA A Comedy

By Kate CondĂŠ Hamilton

CHARACTERS: ALIX VAUGHN (F, 20s) is spunky. She tries to be fashionable despite sub-zero temperatures and 1000 miles of frozen snot icicling out of her nose.

MIA VAUGHN (F, 20s) is uber competitive, competent and motivated to smash ultramarathon records. She ran her first 100 mile race when she was 10 years old. Alix’s older sister.

DOLPH ERIKSSON (M, ageless) is a Swedish professional endurance athlete and a big fan of short shorts. He’s been Outside Magazine’s Man of the Year every year since its conception.

Habitual smirker.

TIME/PLACE: Between Knik Lake and Nome, Alaska; dead of winter; present day

** NOTE: IT IS VERY COLD. TEMPERATURES RANGE FROM -50 TO 35 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. Characters should always be in motion or they risk losing body heat and freezing to death!! TO DEATH!!!!!

MILE 0 A hotel room. ALIX and MIA VAUGHN, sporting compression tights, lie amidst plates of carbohydrates. Alix stares at a noodle. She raises it to her lips. She’s about to bite it, but NO. She drops it.

ALIX (lethargic; she sings to Vanessa Carlton’s “1000 miles”) If I could fall... into the sky .... Do you think TIME would pass me by? Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles if I could just. see. YOU... tonight.

She shoves her pasta away.

Do you agree that that’s our song? Or is it...

She starts to sing “I’m Gonna Be (500 miles)” by The Proclaimers.

Ohhhh, I would walk 500 miles and She looks at Mia expectantly MIA I WOULD WALK 500 MORE. ALIX Just to be the GIRLS who RUN a THOUSAND MILES to wind up at Nome’s doooor.

MIA Just to be the GIRLS who RUN a THOUSAND MILES to wind up at Nome’s doooor.

MIA We’re such idiots.

ALIX I love us.

MIA But can you pass my final RACE PLAN QUIZ? ALIX You’re psycho. I know the plan too well.

2.

Mia fidgets.

ALIX 40 miles a day will put us in Nome in 25 days or so. First 350 miles: we will stop at each of the 7 security checkpoints real quickly and go. Nap and snackies if we both agree they’re necessary. Then miles 350-1000, we just GO FOR IT. MIA Soo, here’s the deal. I maybe made a tiny little adjustment.

ALIX Whywouldyoudosuchathing?

MIA I heard from Smartwool! And— ALIX First of all, that’s amazing. And? MIA And, um, they want us to be ambassadors...(!)

ALIX HOLY SHIT. MIA If we break the world record.

ALIX Um. The women’s world record?

MIA The world record world record.

ALIX Oh. Remind me what that is.

MIA Dolph Erikkson. 20 days, 7 hours, 17 minutes.

ALIX (mental maths for a second) That means, what, 10 more miles per day? And I’m assuming no nap and snackie time.

3.

MIA Precisely.

ALIX We’re not prepared. I’m not prepared.

MIA We were on track at qualifiers. We were on track in Utah. We can absolutely hit it. It’s just a mental adjustment. If Dolph can do it— ALIX Dolph is a FREAK. MIA You’re a FREAK. ALIX This is a lot.

MIA It’s the IDITAROD TRAIL INVITATIONAL. THE I.T.I. It’s not just another ultra marathon, you know? It’s our first THOUSAND-MILER. Has that sunk in yet?

ALIX But... Mia... when I vision boarded this, I thought this thing is like for the JOURNEY. People do it for the JOURNEY. It’s not competitive?

MIA That’s lame. We’re not “people.”

ALIX I guess I was just excited to be the first pair of sisters to finish.

MIA Who cares about sisters, really? But SISTERS getting the WORLD RECORD is (mindexploding gesture) ALIX It wasn’t about a world record. I’m not needy for speedy, I just want to do this cool thing with you. And maybe learn something about myself along the way. You know how I get with competitions. My prep... it’s totally different.

4.

MIA But you’re ready anyway.

ALIX But— MIA Remember your first marathon?

ALIX Duh. MIA Remember how terrified you were of 26 miles?

ALIX Yeah...

MIA And how “not ready” you were?

ALIX Yeah...

MIA What did I tell little 12 year old you?

ALIX Don’t be a bitch?

MIA What else?

ALIX It doesn’t hurt.

MIA That’s right. And did it?

ALIX Yes. MIA Did it hurt as bad as you thought it would?

5.

A long pause.

ALIX How hard could breaking one tiny little world record be?

MIA YES. THAT’S MY GIRL. You trust me, yeah?

ALIX Yeah.

MIA We’re gonna show the world that the Vaughn sisters aren’t kids anymore.

ALIX I’m nervous. Like 800 times more nervous now.

MIA I know what might help...

MIA

ALIX

GIFT TIME.

GIFT TIME. ALIX

Lemme give you yours first.

Alix extracts a small gift-wrapped box. Mia grabs it.

MIA It’s so leettle.

ALIX Ohmygod you’re gonna die.

Mia unwraps the box. She pulls out a fancy-ass Garmin GPS watch.

MIA Oh. My. God. Al! A GARMIN WATCH??

ALIX I know. I know!

6.

MIA I’ve been wanting this for... well you know for how long. THANK YOU. ALIX Welcies.

MIA So many features. So so so many features.

ALIX Right?

MIA Okay. You’re too generous. You’re gonna love yours, too. Ready?

Mia hands Alix a gift bag. Alix pulls out a little tube.

ALIX Foot lube!

They erupt into laughter. They try to tell the following story but crack up too much for it to be coherent...

MIA Cause like— ALIX When he came over and was like— oh!

MIA And! ALIX I was all baeghlksgjoslgh MIA And he HA HA HA he grabbed the— ALIX And I was like MIA Noooooooooooooooooo!

ALIX Noooooooooooooooooo!

They wipe tears from their eyes.

7.

ALIX Too much. Too funny. Good mems.

MIA And it’s practical. You know. For your actual feet.

ALIX Thanks, Mee. I love you.

MIA I love you, too. Let’s get some rest. If we go to bed RIGHT NOW, we’ll get our 8 hours.

ALIX Oooh. Yeah. Can’t ruin the ritual.

They get in their beds. Blackout.

ALIX Goodbye warm covers, goodbye comfy bed, goodbye plumbing, goodbye clean hair, goodbye real food, goodbye Alaska Tinder.

MIA Shhh.

Silence. It’s dark.

And then, two headlamps come ON. Lit only by headlamps, Alix and Mia pull on layer after layer of sporty winter survival gear. Think big jackets, zinc-y faces concealed by balaclavas, sunglasses, etc...

MILES 1 TO 350 A real bluebird day at the start line for the Iditarod Trail Invitational at Knik Lake, Alaska.

Alix and Mia have packed sleds beside them.

They try to stay loose. It’s below freezing.

ALIX Mia, my teeth hurt.

MIA Don’t think about it.

8.

ALIX It’s literally worse than biting into an ice cream cone.

MIA It is literally colder than that, yes.

ALIX Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. MIA Stop opening your mouth and maybe they won’t hurt.

A short pause.

ALIX How much time do we have?

MIA Lemme just check my WATCH. Mia makes a big to-do about checking her watch. She peels back layer after layer of clothing.

MIA Ten minutes ALIX I just have to pop over to the potty.

MIA Like hell you do.

ALIX I have to.

MIA You just went.

ALIX I have to go again.

MIA No. You just think you have to go again.

ALIX I am GOING. You know how I get before we race. I have // nervous bowels.

9.

MIA // nervous bowels. I know. We don’t have much time.

ALIX We’ve already wasted time talking about it. Watch my sled. BRB. MIA HURRY. CONSERVE YOUR ENERGY. Alix dashes away.

Mia shakes her left arm 10 times. Then her right arm 10 times. Then her left leg. Then her right leg. Then her left arm 9 times. Her right arm. Her left leg. Her right leg.

ETC. She jumps up and down.

Alix runs back to her side.

ALIX It was a false alarm. I didn’t really have to go.

MIA C’mere. It’s time to get in the zone.

ALIX Wait. Before we do, I saw Him outside the bathroom.

MIA God? ALIX No. Dolph.

MIA How did he look?

ALIX BIG. MIA Did you speak to him?

ALIX He was giving an interview.

10.

MIA Who was interviewing him?

ALIX Well, actually he was asking himself questions and then answering them.

Mia shudders.

MIA Okay. Push him from your mind. Get close.

They put their faces close together. They stare into each other’s eyes. They inhale. They exhale. They inhale.

They exhale.

Mia slaps Alix in the face.

ALIX Ow! MIA That didn’t hurt.

Alix slaps Mia in the face.

MIA Ow! ALIX That didn’t hurt.

Mia slaps Alix in the face harder.

ALIX THAT DIDN’T HURT. Alix slaps Mia in the face harder.

MIA THAT DIDN’T HURT.