C*NTLOAF: Or, The C-Word Play (excerpt) by Hallie E. McPherson

C*NTLOAF: OR, THE C-WORD PLAY

Hallie McPherson 1368 Decatur St. #3F Brooklyn, NY 11237 hem2116@gmail.com (805) 895-2333

CHARACTERS ABIGAIL SHOOLERY – Female, 20 NANCY SHOOLERY – Female, 38 ORYX – Female, 19 FATHER ALTMAN – Male, 30 DR. SNYDER – Male, 30

SETTING A lush and diverse garden.

NOTES ON THE TEXT Slashes (/) indicate overlapping dialogue.

Phrases in parentheses indicate the character’s intended words, but are unspoken.

Capitalized words are suggestions.

The characters are encouraged to interact with the garden. Pluck flowers, eat fruits from the trees, climb trees… etc.

"A word is dead When it is said, Some say.

I say it just Begins to live That day." —Emily Dickinson

Saccharomyces cerevisiae, commonly known as baker’s yeast, Is a Living Thing. The single-celled microorganism that is known as The Mother Cell reproduces Asexually through asymmetric cell division known as Budding. The smaller Daughter Cell remains attached to her mother as she grows. When fully mature, the Daughter BREAKS OFF from her mother through a process called cytokinesis. Asymmetric segregation of proteins result in two Different cells with Distinct identities. The characteristic mark left on the Mother cell after her Daughter has sundered herself is called a Bud Scar.

SCENE I Lights up on the garden.

In the middle of the garden is a medical examination table with stirrups that protrude from the end. There is also a large model of the female reproductive system stage center like some resplendent altar.

A duffel bag and backpack onstage, too, as well as a wastebasket labeled HAZARDOUS MATERIALS. Enter Abigail Shoolery in a medical gown and her clothes bundled under her arm.

As she enters, she feels a draught from the open back of the gown. She cranes her neck around, and turns like a dog trying to catch its tail, unable to satisfactorily close the gown. She wears underwear.

Resigned to the fact that the gown will not close, she takes her jeans from the bundle of clothes and hops into them one foot at a time.

As she zips up the fly, she notices the enormous model of the reproductive system.

She approaches the model, incredulous, looking at it like she’d look at a shrunken head.

The sound of bees. Quietly, at first.

She puts her face REAL close to it.

She pulls up her gown, makes a triangle with her hands over the place she gauges her uterus must be.

The bees buzz louder.

She seems skeptical.

She lowers the gown. She circles the model.

The buzzing reaches a crescendo.

She falls to her knees. Her mouth moves.

She prays.

The buzzing STOPS. Dr. Snyder enters in the brisk way male doctors walk. He carries a clipboard.

They both regard each other for a half-beat. If Dr. Snyder is at all surprised to see Abi in an attitude of benediction, he gives no indication.

Abi rises.

He smiles a big smile. Not a creepy smile. Just a big one.

DR. SNYDER Hello. I’m Dr. Snyder. You are/ ABI I was told you would be a woman.

DR. SNYDER I usually am. Or/ rather my colleague (is a woman) Lights up on Oryx, somewhere else.

There is a pentagram painted on the floor.

She is dressed all in black. Black jeans. Black backpack. Black combat boots. Enormous black hoodie that obscures her face.

She takes off her backpack and unpack five golden candles, which she places at the point of each end of the pentagram and lights them.

She takes out her cellphone, which is gold.

ABI Excuse me?

DR. SNYDER The other doctor here, Pamela, / she was supposed to ABI That’s who I was supposed to see, / Pamela — DR. SNYDER She had something come up. I’m covering her / patients today.

ABI I should have been told.

Abi squeezes her knees together and hugs herself.

Oryx speaks into her golden cellphone.

ORYX I Summon You, Hekate!

DR. SNYDER No need to explain. You should have been told. I’ll reschedule.

Backs out.

ORYX Mother of Darkness, Mistress of the Moon, Six-Nippled Goddess of Gloaming, Gold-Sceptered Sovereign with your Six Hundred Thousand Strands of Starlit Hair, ABI Wait! Don’t go!

ABI I’m in a… ughhhh… considerable amount of Discomfort at present – Abi’s lips move in a soft, quick susurration.

DR. SNYDER Would you like to reschedule… (Checks the clipboard, smiles) Nancy?

ORYX Most Horrible Bloody-Mouthed Maiden, robed in the Splendor of the Sun, Abi looks up.

ABI Why did you just call me by that name?

ORYX Shrewd Crone! Night Queen! Mother of Mothers!

DR. SNYDER You’re not (chart)… Nancy Shoolery?

ABI Directly descended.

ORYX I Beseech You, answer my Call!

Oryx flings her head back and raises her arms.

Her face is very young and androgynous. Her head is shaved.

DR. SNYDER You’re her daughter.

ABI DNA test pending.

Squirmsquirmsquirm.

Oryx has not gotten an answer. She shoves down her frustration.

ORYX Fate-Wielder, Most Glorious Hostess!

DR. SNYDER What’s your name?

ABI Abigail. I’m named for my father.

DR. SNYDER Your father’s name is Abigail – ORYX Lady of the Eternal Lullaby, Thread-Cutter, Soul-Eater, Life-Ender!

ABI It means “Father’s Joy” in Hebrew.

ORYX I summon you Hekate! Woman in Triplicate!

ABI (Chanting) A-B-I-G-A-I-L – Father’s – joy – of IS-RAY-EL. ORYX I summon your Sharp Eyes!

DR. SNYDER I haven’t heard that before.

ORYX I summon your Hairy Legs!

ABI My dad made it up.

ORYX I summon your Anointed Pubis DR. SNYDER Is he a writer?

ORYX Your Ten Shimmering Toenails!

ABI He’s dead.

ORYX I Beseech you, Hekate, to Lend me your Voice!

DR. SNYDER Oh. I’m sorry.

ORYX Your ears like sea shells!

ABI Listen, Mr. Smithers/ DR. SNYDER (Smiles his big nice smile) Dr. Snyder/ ORYX Your mouth like a bed!

ABI Sorry, Steiner, it’s not that I /don’t think you’re capable DR. SNYDER There’s nothing unusual about preferring a clinician of / your own sex …

ORYX Lend me your Uterine Throne!

Abi squirms. She is very hot.

ABI It would be very silly of me to prefer either way, it’s only that what I’m trying to – considering the Circumstances – you being a Medical Professional – they probably made you cut open a dead person in Medical School – name all the Parts. I can’t even name all of MY Parts – ORYX Mother of Mothers!

Abi gestures with her arm to the model behind her, but doesn’t look at it.

ABI … and I’m not judging you, because you could be Gentle as a Lamb, but Certain Realities cannot / be…

ORYX Answer me!

DR. SNYDER Pamela will be in /tomorrow – ORYX MOTHER!?

Oryx waits. Nothing.

ABI I think we are both Adult Enough to Agree to acknowledge the… at least the perception… that any Man who is so Preoccupied by the Female Anatomy that he should devote his LIFE/ to it – DR. SNYDER That’s A Bit /Cliché – ABI Of course it’s cliché, which is why (Squirms) I felt Forced to Acknowledge It… ORYX Mother?

ABI Clear the (Squirms) Agh – Proverbial Air – ORYX Mother?

Oryx panics..

ABI I’m – really (Squirms) I am Really Suffering. This is – and I never say this – but I Am in Hell.

(Squirm. She shuts her eyes tight and grimaces. She whimpers) Just do the kind of Chatty-ChatThing that Doctors are Supposed to do to Convince the Patient you’re not about to Do What You’re About to …

Abi might hyperventilate.

DR. SNYDER Alright, alright. Breathe, now… Breathe…

ORYX Please talk to me! Mama!

Alarmed, Dr. Snyder goes to her, placing his stethoscope on her back.

ORYX Where are you? MAMA, WHY WON’T YOU ANSWER ME? Oryx collapses to the ground. She cries.

ABI I’m sorry – DR. SNYDER Don’t be -ABI I’m usually. A – very Composed Person.

Oryx wipes snot from her nose with her hand, then flicks it off.

A switch flips in Oryx.

RAGE.

ORYX YOU STUPID TURD BOX! ABI I am Known for being a Composed Person.

ORYX YOU SLIMY CROTCH-SOCKETED COWARD! DR. SNYDER Just try to breathe – Abi gasps. In. Out. In. Out. Dr. Snyder examines the area of exposed skin on her back. It is covered in hives.

ORYX YOU FRIVOLOUS FORK-TONGUED HYSTERICAL WHORE! I DEMAND YOU ANSWER ME! Abi breathes. In. Out. In. Out. DR. SNYDER Thaaaaat’s it.

NANCY (Off) Oryx?

DR. SNYDER Do you usually react to stress like this?

NANCY (Off) Oryx, is that you?

ABI More recently.

DR. SNYDER And the hives?

Enter Nancy Shoolery whose long gray hair trails behind her like a ghost.

She rushes to Oryx.

NANCY (Con’t) Oh, sweet Oryx, shhhh…Shhhh, shhhhhh….

Nancy cradles Oryx in her arms.

ABI My father said I was born with bees in my belly. When I get upset, they get upset. They sting my insides.

DR. SNYDER Medically speaking, you know, that IS what happens.

Abi does not find this funny.

ABI You’re joking.

DR. SNYDER Yes… I’m trying to joke less, actually.

NANCY Is it really as bad as all that? Of course it is. Tell me all about it, Little Turnip.

ORYX I called her three hundred and thirty-six times! I left her three hundred and thirty-five messages! Why won’t she answer?

Nancy kisses the top of Oryx’s head.

ABI I might throw up.

ORYX It goes straight to Voicemail!

DR. SNYDER This is a doctor’s office.

ORYX Nobody uses VOICEMAIL! DR. SNYDER You’re Supposed to throw up.

He grabs a wastebasket that says “Hazardous Materials” on it and hands it to Abi. She holds it close to her. The worst has passed.

NANCY (Con’t) Your hair is getting long. Do you think you’re going to grow it long?

ORYX Would you like it long?

NANCY Would YOU like it long?

DR. SNYDER Why don’t you tell me what’s been bothering you?

ABI I’d rather not.

ORYX Mama liked it long.

DR. SNYDER Okay. (Beat) Then I’m not sure/ (how I can help you) NANCY Oryx, my love.

ABI Can you just list off some symptoms and I’ll tell you when you get the right ones?

NANCY You could have snakes growing out of your head.

DR. SNYDER Would you like that?

Beat.

No, Abi would not like that.

NANCY Don’t you know I’d love you just the same?

DR. SNYDER You could also write them down. Or text them to me.

ORYX I left her five hundred and fifty-two text messages!

ABI You must do this kind of thing all the time.

DR. SNYDER Not really.

ABI Oh. An involuntary glance towards the model.

NANCY Do you know what MY mother would do when I was upset?

DR. SNYDER Some burning, perhaps? Or itching? Many women complain of a change in the color or consistency of their discharge/or (something else) …

ABI (micro-shudder at “discharge”) Yes! Yes, yes!

DR. SNYDER Yes to all three?

ABI Yes, alright, yes! I know it’s disgusting, okay?!

DR. SNYDER (Alarmed) It’s not/ disgusting …

NANCY She’d give me bread. It soaks up all the Bad Feelings, she’d say, just like poison.

ABI No! Stop it! I’ll do it, okay? This Is All Part of It. (She steels herself. Composed,) Dr. Snooter, I am Mortified to report that my symptoms not only include an Itch for which there seems to be no worldly scratch capable of soothing, not only have I been Afflicted by a Burning that could only possibly be described as BOSCHIAN, but there is also… there is also a STENCH. Forgive me, Doctor, but it smells… it smells a lot like fish. Not new fish. DEAD FISH. This smell follows me like a putrid shadow. When I spread my… When my legs are parted at even the most

Geometrically Acute Angle… It haunts me like a noisome ghost. It marks me. I wonder… if… I wonder if others can smell it?

She looks at him. He gets it.

NANCY Her favorite thing to make was a Norwegian loaf called fjellbrød. It just so happens I have a loaf baking in the oven. Would you like some fjellbrød?

ORYX Is that what smells so good?

DR. SNYDER I smell nothing.

Abi wants to crawl out of her body.

NANCY Well, lucky for you. You’ve come to the Right Place.

ABI Tell me you can help me, Doctor.

NANCY Go on, help yourself.

ABI Can you please help me?

Lights out on Abi, Nancy and Oryx.

Dr. Snyder turns and addresses the audience. Smiles his big smile.

DR. SNYDER Cunt. (Shudder.) YECH! It can be made into such an Unpleasant Word, can’t it? I’m not allowed to use it, of course. Not in my house. Not by my wife. Not by Society. CERTAINLY not as a doctor! Can you imagine? “Pardon me, Miss, but if you’d just lie down and Try to Relax I’m going to insert the speculum into your Cunt, now – This might be a little cold!” BYE-BYE, DR. SNYDER! Dr. Snyder has a good chuckle over this.

DR. SNYDER But, when I’m all by myself, I can say it to myself. c. u. n. t… cunt. (He relishes the word.) It’s a pity, because there’s something Rather Pleasing about the word, isn’t there? When it’s said

Correctly? It’s the plosive K, I think? The K sound is associated with humor, sounds like falling down the stairs, or a getaway car that won’t start. ‘K-ah” “K-uh”…. KA-POW! (Shadow-boxes) KAPOW-CUNT! YES! UGH! Did you feel that? That felt good, didn’t it? When you use it the RIGHT way, doesn’t it feel POWERFUL? Dr. Snyder looks thoughtful. Hands behind his back. Rocks on his feet.

EVEN SO…. I’M a man. (Aside) Last time I checked, anyway! A highly-evolved feminist, EQ quotient off the chart, raised by a single mom… and I UNDERSTAND why I shouldn’t…

A small price to pay, in the long run, for my … (Distaste) privilege…

Dark. Thoughtful. Then, he SNAPS back!

BIG SMILE. Y’know, my wife, Pamela, is a Gynecologist? She heads her own practice out of Boston. She commutes there from here. She drives nine hours a week! MORE with traffic! She makes Thirty Grand less annually then I do, and she’s been practicing for eight years longer!

He has a good chuckle at this.

My Sweet Mercy, how I love her. I love her so much. How I’d love to call her my sweet, little Cunt…. (Grimaces. To the audience) No, no. I heard it that time. (Shakes it off.) Well, C U Next Tuesday!

Smiles his big smile.

Lights out.