April 2nd, 2015

April 2 – 8, 2015 34st.com

april 2 LOL

2015

3 HIGHBROW

my penn addiction, overheards, round—up

4 WORD ON THE STREET mental health

5 EGO

relay fundraising, eotw dani castillo

9 MUSIC LOL

LOL

odessa, your week in music

12 FEATURE

loss and learning

14 FILM LOL

unbreakable kimmy schmidt, student film festival

17 FOOD & DRINK

(Photo: Instagram @salmonballs)

food porn

LOL

LOL

20 ARTS

arts uncovered

22 LOWBROW

lowbrow works out

24 BACKPAGE got wifi?

For this week, no silly jokes or weird ass shit in my little black box. Instead, I'll simply ask you to take a few minutes out of your day and read this week's feature. And then— and I don't think is asking too much—I'd implore you to offer small acts of compassion and kindness throughout your day. You never know who might need it.

At times, we all do.

– (Wo)ManEd

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief Marley Coyne, Managing Editor Ariela Osuna, Digital Director Ling Zhou, Design Editor Byrne Fahey, Design Editor Corey Fader, Photo Editor Galit Krifcher, Assistant Design Holly Li, Assistant Design Amy Chen, Assistant Photo Conor Cook, Highbrow Elie Sokoloff, Highbrow Katie Hartman, Word on the Street Randi Kramer, Ego Casey Quackenbush, Ego Natasha Doherty, Food and Drink 2

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Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink Cassandra Kyriazis, Film and TV Orly Greenberg, Film and TV Clare Lombardo, Features Amanda Suarez, Features Caroline Marques, Music Amanda Silberling, Music Justin Sheen, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Rosa Escandon, Lowbrow Mikaela Gilbert–Lurie, Lowbrow Kimberly Lu, Backpage Mark Paraskevas, Copy Editor Sarah Fox, Copy Editor Pat Goodridge, Copy Editor

Mark Paraskevas, Marketing Director Giulia Imholte, Social Media Editor Rachel Rubin, Digital Designer Kyle Bryce-Borthwick, Video Editor Alex Cohn, Web Producer Mara Veitch, Web Producer COVER PHOTO: Amanda Suarez BACKPAGE DESIGN: Holly Li Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader and Amy Chen.

Contributors:

Paige Parsons, Raquel Banks, Charlotte Coran, Rebecca Heilweil, Spencer Winston, Claire Schmidt

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "Everytime a girl would come into my school we would whisper GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS" ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

MY PENN ADDICTION: JEWISH BOYS

I love me some good Hebrew National salami, in other words, I’m addicted to Jewish boys.

My first kiss was at a Jewish summer camp. My second was at the Maccabi games. Do you see a pattern here? I love me some good Hebrew National salami. Let me spell it out for you: I’m addicted to Jewish boys. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t blow a goyim’s shofar, but I prefer my hotdogs without a bun.

My appetite for members of the tribe was satiated at Penn as Jewish boys abound (#blessed). You can’t swing a grogger on this campus without knocking off a metaphorical yarmulke. (To the shiksas out there: it's a thing you shake during Purim.)

Face it: we all want to marry a nice guy who loves his family, is funny and has a lucrative career in the future on lock. Yes, he may be only 5’5”, but he played point–guard for his high school basketball team and that counts for something, right?

Jewish boys know the importance of family. A close extended family is ingrained in Jewish culture. Cousins act as role models and support systems and without them, who’s going to hoist you up in the chair at your Bar Mitzvah?

Also, a closer extended family means more bar mitzvah checks, and Jews are always thinking about ways to make a buck, which your JBae will later spend on you!

The first time I woke up in a guys bed at Penn, I was pleased to discover his impressive home decor. My exact thought process went something like "It looks like a PB Teen calogoue threw up in here. This must be the work of a Jewish mother.” Speaking of moms, being a mama’s boy is basically a prerequisite for any true Jewish guy. We'll count that as a pro, but there’s definitely a line. Mom sending him new clothes from the Barney’s holiday sale: good. Mom buying his condoms: bad.

Another great thing about Jewish guys? Jewish humor. I like it a latke.

Think about some of most successful comedians and you’re sure to find some Israelites. Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, Adam Sandler, Jon Stewart—is anyone else aroused? Mask and Wig and Simply Chaos are packing some serious heat, so if your JDate doesn’t work out, give them a challah.

At Penn, we’re lucky. Judaism extends far beyond those Scarsdale boys in off–campus frats who went to Greylock. During NSO, a steamy Latin hunk charmed me with his accent. We later reconnected on a Birthright trip after my sophomore year. Penn has a hidden trove of spicy South American Jews just

THEROUNDUP Holy shit—it’s about to be a holy weekend. Between Easter and Passover, Highbrow has our hands full with family festivities. We’re looking forward to eating our weight in chocolate while simultaneously avoiding bread like the plague. But that’s okay, gluten–free is trendy!

For you Jewish Quakers making the exodus to NYC (Ed. note: Scarsdale and Long Island don’t count), please make sure to avoid putting anything that rises into your dirty mouths.

No matter what holiday you’re celebrating this weekend, just remember: Highbrow is like God, you can’t see us, but we’re always watching.

This week, Highbrow presents High Society. This weekend, one house on Pine decided to throw a smoker and invited people to their party via Facebook. On their page, they included fake applications for an exclusive senior society called The Death Friars Society. Believing they had been tapped, many attendees filled out the applications when they arrived and schmoozed with their “fellow members”. We hate to burst your bubble, but they’re just blowing smoke up your ass.

Speaking of bubbles, rub a dub dub, there’s puke next to the tub.

Highbrow hears that one party got

waiting to be discovered. Many reign from Colombia and often have beach houses in Miami—both of which aren’t bad options for a Yom Kippur getaway.

These international gems can be found in Huntsman, as they usually study finance.

With any luck, in a couple of years, my man will have amassed enough money to buy that perfect brownstone on the Upper West Side. It's there that we'll host Shabbat dinners, have children, send them to Horace Mann, grow old together and then die.

especially rowdy this weekend.

During a champagne and shackles event, a freshman boy decided to unwind after a long day by indulging in a luxurious bubble bath. Unfortunately, his peace was interrupted by a drunk sophomore girl who decided she needed to yak. While the boy tried to strategically rearrange his bubbles, the girl proceeded to puke next to him while her friends ushered out other bathroom goers. Looks like bubbles and bubbly don’t mix.

Mess with the Burnetts, you will get burnt. One jock–fest this weekend was overflowing with testosterone and booze. A couple arrived to the event with a bottle of Burnetts in hand, ready to party. As the bottle rotated through the crowd,

over heard PENN at

Betch about betchier betch: She seriously needs to stop. I just watched her 50 second Snapstory about today’s Magic Carpet cookie flavors.

Female Commons employee: He says, “I love you, baby," and he’s fucking me over in the same breath.

Drunk bro with eyes closed: I’ve hooked up with her, I’ve fucked her, but I don’t talk to her.

Girl in Allegro booth: You need to take a shower, you reek of bad decisions.

Prospective student on a tour: Do you know where I can find a Frackit. You know, a frat jacket?

the freshman girl who'd provided the booze attempted to get a swig.

As she reached for the bottle, a bro aggressively slapped her arm. Her protective boyfriend sprang into action, but ultimately decided to avoid any fights. Instead, he began to growl at the assailant menacingly.

He may not have started a brawl, but Highbrow thinks this bad bro deserves a slap on the wrist!

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

CAPS, COLLEGE AND COMING TO TERMS WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

I

made my first visit to CAPS two weeks into college. I had lost about ten pounds. I wasn’t quite anorexic or depressed, and certainly not suicidal.

Avoiding food was simply a way of avoiding all– consuming stress. And besides, in a lot of ways, I was really happy to be at Penn.

But on random evenings, I would walk back to my dorm in inexplicable tears.

4

REBECCA HEILWEIL

My thoughts felt like nails screeching against a chalkboard.

discussing boys with as much passion as existential crises or home troubles. I regularly freaked out thinking she judged me for being a whiney–Ivy– League–white–girl who just “couldn’t handle the pressure.”

But these “worries,” as my therapist titled my stressors, exemplified my problem. She was getting paid to help me, and I was concerned only with entertaining her.

Sessions felt simultaneously too short and too long. I couldn’t figure out what was important or if anything was helping. Each silent second ignited panic. I couldn’t get my brain to empty itself, so I filled it with anxiety.

One night, alone in my room, I found myself weeping uncontrollably. My thoughts felt like nails screeching against a chalkboard. A grinding sense of nausea tumbling around my brain. I cried, desperate to get out of my head.

The next week, I walked into CAPS and requested an appointment at the front desk. Within half an hour, I had a psych consultation, but I would have to wait two weeks for an actual appointment.

I’d told myself I needed to see someone or else my lack of hunger was going to cause lasting, physical damage. In retrospect, I think I knew this had nothing to do with food.

The normalized and debilitating stress I’d justified for so long wasn’t actually me, but an anxiety disorder. *** It took a while to get used to therapy. The awkward wait–time before my appointment, surrounded by students I never recognized. The way the therapist called my name. The daunting hallway to her office.

My only previous experience with mental illness involved conversations with my high school boyfriend. I rarely asked him to open up, which felt futile, awkward and sometimes inappropriate.

When we talked, he explained it as an irrational panic, an inexplicable desire to “get home.” For me, his experience was the definition of anxiety disorder. If his brain was sick, mine certainly wasn’t.

At first, sessions made me nervous. I wanted a script, panicking to explain how I felt. I worried my stories sounded incoherent, that my therapist would get bored with me or that I seemed self–centered. I wondered if she thought I was vapid for

Discussing my situation with others, I found, was easier. After opening up about my panic attacks, my friends started changing the way they talked about mental illness and responded to mine.

I explained that when I seemed distant, it wasn’t because I didn’t care. When I was quiet, it was because my brain sometimes made my life more like a movie I could only watch. I was drowning in my own head.

They’re still learning about mental illness, and my experience in no way gives me all the answers.

When a boy walking me home from a party once confessed, “I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past.”

I responded, “I could never kill myself. I’m not afraid of anything more than my mortality.”

“Me neither,” he replied. “That’s what made the feelings so scary.”

Only later that night, falling asleep, did I realize how inappropriate my response was. *** After time, I learned to identify how mental illness manifests physically. For me, panic is an amalgam of migraines and pounding sounds in my head. An incessant recycling of my own thoughts.

A prickly web of mental “stuff,” sticky like glue yet simultaneously foggy and incapacitating.

Eventually, my weekly CAPS sessions became a reprieve. In addition to a small daily SSRI dosage, my therapist forced me to spend time combing through the thoughts plaguing my head. I created a

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I couldn’t get my brain to empty itself, so I filled it with anxiety.

Coming to Penn and visiting CAPS changed my perception of mental health.

mental binary for myself. Healthy stress has reason.

Anxiety doesn’t. With vocabulary to distinguish rational and irrational panic, I’m more in control.

Yet, I sometimes wonder whether facing my mental illness means I’ll lose what defines me.

Anxiety—stress—drives me. Wasn’t my disorder just precaution, panic attacks simply emotion?

I’m constantly re–teaching myself that debilitating stress will make me unhealthy. It would make anyone sick.

If I started Penn attempting to find a new me, I’ve at least started.

An opportunity to expand outwards, my first few months were also the chance to look inwards.

Life before freshman year is the control for learning who we are. College is the experiment.

Healthy stress has reason.

Anxiety doesn’t.

Campus Resources The HELP Line: 215–898–HELP Counseling and Psychological Services: 215–898–7021 215–349–5490 (Nights and weekends) University Chaplain’s Office: 215–898–8456 Student Health Service: 215–746–3535 Office of the Vice Provost for University Life: 215–898–6081 Reach–A–Peer Helpline: 215–573–2727 (9 pm—1 am every night)

WORD ON THE STREET

WHERE I’VE BEEN AND WHERE I’M GOING: MY EXPERIENCE WITH MENTAL HEALTH CHARLOTTE CORAN

I

t was not a suicide attempt. I was not trying to kill myself.

At the beginning of the fall semester, I cut my left wrist and soon after found myself in the emergency room at HUP. After a psychiatric evaluation that lasted several hours, I was released into the custody of my parents.

Ten days later, I returned to the hospital, this time to Belmont Comprehensive Treatment Center, a mental health facility about 15 minutes outside of Philly. There, I spent a week in the mood disorder unit, a place for those struggling with anxiety, depression, and other personality disorders. I engaged in group therapy sessions and met with a team of doctors, medical students and social workers on a daily basis.

I was diagnosed with general anxiety and obsessive–compulsive disorders, accompanied by bouts of depression, when I was 17. I have been working with a psychologist for four years now, and a psychiatrist for one.

That said, I don’t think of myself as having an illness. I consider my anxiety and OCD parts of myself, parts that ebb and flow—sometimes I’m in control of the emotions that these disorders intensify, and sometimes I’m not. Like the tattoo I got my freshman year of college proudly declares: “it’s only a part of you.” These

issues are not all of me. They do not define me.

As a Penn student, however, living with them has proved nearly impossible at times. The various kinds of support— which in a few cases, meant no support at all—I received upon returning to campus after being hospitalized speaks to the urgent need for us to engage in a productive conversation about mental health.

Some people are no longer in my life because of what happened to me last semester.

On the other hand, I’ve been humbled by the friendships that have withstood the strain my issues have put on them.

I’ve found that working through problems that have plagued me for years has actually enhanced my ability to manage the various responsibilities I have here at Penn.

As a result of my anxiety and depression, I’ve looked to the other parts of myself to find strength. For example, I revel in doing well in my classes— nothing makes me feel quite as accomplished as spending an afternoon in Fisher Fine Arts finishing a paper. I am grateful for the creative outlet that being an editor for Under The Button provides, and I value the relationships my sorority has fostered.

I take five classes, I identify strongly with several on–campus groups and I love to SABS at Tap or Harvest just as much

I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't struggled with Illustration

by Amy Chen. anxiety and depression.

ILLUSTRATION BY AMY CHEN

as anyone else. In this way, I am very much a “typical” Penn student. However, it seems that other Penn students either struggle with the same issues as me, yet choose not to confront them, or are unable to relate to me because of their own fear.

We don’t know what someone in front of us in line at HubBub hopes to do upon graduating, with whom the kid sitting in recitation

This is why it is of the utmost importance that compassion guides our actions, because ignorance leads to alienation. might be in an argument, or why the person running on the adjacent treadmill at Pottruck

is exercising. We are all struggling with something. Some of us are just better at managing our thoughts and emotions than others. This is why it is of the utmost importance that compassion guides our actions, because ignorance leads to alienation.

The day after I was released from the hospital, I went to class. I’m not ashamed. I refuse to let my demons inhibit me from having the traditional Penn experience I want.

SPRUCESTREET STREET ••215.222.5055 37343734 SPRUCE 215.222.5055

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EGO

EGO’S AWARDS FOR CREATIVE FUNDRAISING

2

1 PHI GAMMA NU st

nd

SIG EP

Chapter House BBQ

3

rd

PIKE

Balls 4 Balls

This business frat clearly knows how to grab life by the balls. Their meatball-eating contest raises awareness for testicular cancer, and will go through several rounds before the Kings (or Queens) of Balls are crowned. (Ed. note: King or Queen of Balls will most likely be a category in next year’s Senior Superlatives.)

Price: $10 for Teams of 2

Watermelon Eating Contest

This is Pike’s first year throwing a watermelon eating contest. We’re handing them third place mostly because there will be so many opportunities to sing “I’ve been drinking watermelon.” #bey Price: Not yet announced

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Circle K: Selling Puppy Chow on Locust Walk and at Relay

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Puppy Chow is a drool–worthy dessert made of Chex Mix, peanut butter and chocolate (so it's basically just sugar).

If you missed Therapy Dogs last week, puppy chow should do the trick.

Price: $3 for 1 container, or $5 for 2 containers.

Colleges Against Cancer: Pie the Presidents During Relay, the CAC Team will have jars for each member of their exec board, and the member whose jar has the most money at the end of the event will get pied in the face. We applaud their self– sacrifice, but this won’t stop us from eating it off their faces.

Price: Up to you

Alpha Delta Pi: Pretzel Sale on Locust Walk Penn’s newest sorority will be selling pretzels on Locust the week before Relay. We hope to see some “hot and twisted” jokes galore (Ed. note: Sex sells, even pretzels).

Price: $1 per pretzel REPORTING BY CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS

ILLUSTRATIONS BY AMY CHEN

Hot dog! Sig Ep boys are putting their wieners where their mouths are this year. They plan to hold a BBQ at their house the day before Relay with live music entertainment and hot dogs for all. Ego loves to eat and has never (maybe) made out with a hot dog, so we support this. Don’t forget the condom–ents!

Price: TBD for BBQ ticket

Relay for Life is coming up on April 10th, and Ego wants to award groups who know how to put the fun in fundraising. All of the money from these fundraisers goes towards the American Cancer Society, which funds a number of cancer-related causes.

EGO

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EGO

EGO OF THE WEEK: DANI CASTILLO

Dani is as sweet as a honeybee. She’s buzzing with energy, but watch out: she might sting you if you cut down a tree.

From: Born in Mexico City, raised in Texas Age: 22 Activities: Fossil Free Penn, Student Sustainability Association at Penn Marketing Vice-Chair, Carriage Senior Society, Vagina Monologues cast and graphic design, PennGreen Leader, former co-chair Penn Environmental Group, Urban Nutrition Initiative Major: Architecture and Urban Studies Street: So we hear you like the environment. Have you ever made out with a tree?

Dani Castillo: I’ve kissed a tree before, yeah! I wouldn’t say make out, but we had a nice little peck. And hugs.of course.

Street: If Carriage had a mascot, who or what would it be?

DC: Something like a big glitter explosion.

Street: Tell us something about Carriage that we don’t know.

DC: The GroupMe is probably the most entertaining thing.

It changes subject every 10 seconds, and it’s so hilarious. And the GIF game is so on point.

Street: What’s the weirdest piece of art you’ve ever made?

DC: I haven’t done this yet, but it was an idea I just got the other night. I was on this Tumblr about what different vaginas look like! Like labias look so different for so many people— different lengths, different colors. I was like wow, they’re

really beautiful in their variety.

So I want to do a project that represents their variety in an artistic way.

Street: Tell us about your interest in bees.

DC: Oh I love bees! I want to get a bee tattoo, actually.

They’re so fascinating! The way that they communicate with each other, they have little dances that they do. And they’re just such team players.

And they’re so important to the environment. Bees need more love.

Street: What’s your favorite word?

DC: “Nubivagant.” It [means] wandering, but through the clouds; moving through the air.

And I just love that feeling.

Street: Fill in the blank: There

are two kinds of people at Penn…

DC: So we have this thing in my house where whenever we see people talking too much about themselves, we call them out and we say “Generation me me me!” GM3. We just call out people for being obsessed with social media. So I’d say there are people who can live in the moment, or those who are GM3.

Street: First kiss?

DC: It was so awkward and like...wet.

Street: First AIM screenname?

DC: I did it with a friend who I thought was gonna be my BBFL forever. I was PuNkYmOnKeY117 and she was FuNkYmOnKeY117.

4043 Walnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19104 | 215-382-1300 | livecampusapts.com 8

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MUSIC

Street grabbed coffee with Odessa and talked floor plans, lonliness and spontaneity Odessa—the soulful voice behind the single "I Will Be There"—sits across from me at a table at Menagerie Coffee, wearing the same worn leather coat and jeans that she will bask in two hours later at Underground Arts. Calm and collected, she seems to have no idea that her career is about to change big–time . After all, her self–titled EP set for release on April 28th, is the biggest step for her as a solo artist so far.

For six years, Odessa jumped from band to band, traveling around the world with a diverse array of musicians, ranging from bluegrass groups to indie–rock artists. Now for the first time, she has spent the spring touring on her own, performing her own sweet, pop–folk songs onstage with only a guitarist and bassist at her side.

“You are lonelier touring alone. So, I’ve been lonelier than I ever have been in my entire life,” she muses. “Musically, it’s more gratifying, right when I come off stage, its more of a high, because I just did something by myself. It’s just a different thing, like going out to get a cup of coffee by yourself versus going out with a bunch of friends.”

Her life and career has always been all music, discarding brief plans to model or study. “I really love to draw, and I love to draw floor plans—architectural drawings. I just think they are so beautiful to look at." Odessa elaborates, “it's sort of that regimented way of thinking that’s really not me at all, so I’ve always really been drawn towards that."

This comes as no surprise—she was even set to enroll at the Art Institute of New York for interior architecture and design four years ago, until her father passed away and she needed a new direction.

She mentions: “All these crazy life things happened and I decided I didn’t want to play music anymore because it’s too hard to deal with all of life and trying to deal with being out on the road all the time.”

Her need to fully pursue her own music formed when she moved to Nashville and finally started writing. A year and a half later, she faced yet another setback when she was brought to the brink of death, hit by a car that left her with an injured neck and ribs. I ask her about and she responds: “I had just gotten to the point where we were almost finished. I was starting to talk to the label and seeing what doing my own thing could be like. I didn’t even really think about it, it was just like, ‘Okay, that’s not happening.’”

And then, a call came in from Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes. Odessa’s injuries were hindering her vocal recording abilities, so she jumped into the band’s tour as a violinist, neck brace and all.“Recently I found a couple of other pictures of us in a carriage in New Orleans, all playing, and I had the [neck] brace on. But that was crazy. I was on heavy–duty painkillers, which at the time, I’d never really done any drugs at all,” Odessa says.

“It was insane. I was virtually addicted to them after that.

I was pretty much in a dream for 8 months, but it was nice, I had a blast with that band.”

Odessa cites D’Angelo’s newest album, Black Messiah, as one of her current favorites, as well as the work of Cocteau Twins, Sturgill Simpson, and Kurt Vile. Sometimes she strays from that vein, listening to the more obscurespecifically, the Star Wars soundtrack. “We put it on for my friend’s birthday. We were listening to something way groovier, more of a party vibe, and then [my friends] were like, ‘Oh we should listen to Star Wars and put on that part where they’re in the cantina.’ We put that on for three hours.”

Odessa's tastes and location might seem unpredictable; she's rarely off the road for more than a few months. But if one thing is for sure, it’s that you’re going to hear about her, at Penn and elsewhere. She’s on a creative bender, ready to release another record as soon as this one comes 150 Bottled out. And we'll be waiting.

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MUSIC

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YOUR WEEK IN MUSIC

Tune in and turn up.

WHAT TO SEE:

• Damien Rice is coming to the Academy of Music on Wednesday, the day after, April 8th. We vote this concert as the most ideal for a first date—that is, if you like your dates bawling on your shoulders. And want to take us as your dates. Please?

WHAT TO LISTEN TO:

• What For, Toro y Moi’s newest album is now available for streaming.

Did you read that last sentence? Get on that shit ASAP. Some jazz and some electric guitar. You’ll be the least miserable person in Van Prison with this new soundtrack.

• Sufjan Stevens is back with a heartbreaking album Carrie & Lowell, named after Stevens’ mother and stepfather, will remind you of when you cried yourself to sleep after watching his soundtrack for The OC. The album just came out and deserves a listen.

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WHAT TO BRING UP IN CONVERSATION:

• Remember The Go! Team from years ago?

Well, they haven’t released an album since you were a senior in high school. In anticipation for their newest album, they’ve been posting cool af music videos. The most recent one Reason Left to Destroy is hella creepy and appropriate if you want a late–night scare.

• Zayn Malik left something called One Direction. Get over yourself—you go to college now.

MUSIC

we all have our cravings.

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F E AT U R E

I

t was a Friday when Lauren Hunter got the call. After leaving work and a last minute lunch at New Deck, the College junior had one hand on the door to her off–campus house when her phone call with her best friend from home was interrupted by a call from her mom.

“My mom spoke one syllable, and I could hear she was crying,” Lauren remembers of that October afternoon last fall. “I started screaming and crying. There was no one in my house, and there’s usually eleven people in my house. I just started hysterically crying.

I couldn’t function. I couldn’t move.”

After her dad was diagnosed with MLS leukemia, Lauren and her mother developed an understanding where she would call her and tell her when she needed to come home.

The hours that followed would lead Lauren back to New Jersey, to her father’s hospital bedside.

His diagnosis came during during Lauren’s sophomore year at Penn, after years of battling lymphoma and prostate cancer. That Friday, after he couldn’t make it down the stairs, he’d been rushed to the hospital.

After spending the night in the

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hospital, her dad took a turn for the worse. The doctors told the room full of family members he would not last the next 24 hours.

“All of a sudden, all of a sudden I was just like, I need to get a photo with him before he starts losing his shit,” Laurens says, the memory lighting up her face. “And that’s the photo I posted on Facebook. I’m so happy I got that photo.”

That photo informed the friends Lauren had left at Penn two days prior of her new reality: on October 25th, 2014, her father passed away.

In the past year, grief and tragedy have crossed Penn’s campus in staggering ways. Penn students have mourned and remembered classmates, demanded change and seen our administration attempt to respond to mental health issues.

Yet, chances are that a girl in your psych recitation hasn’t talked about the death of her mother in weeks. When asked what his parents do for a living, that boy down the hall knows how to employ a well–rehearsed response that gives no indication his dad’s been dead for years.

According to a 2010 Balk, Walker &

F E AT U R E

Baker study of college students nationwide, between 35% and 48% students have lost a family member or close friend in the past two years. For every two years, 1.7% of students in college lose a parent. A 2009 survey conducted

by Comfort Zone Camp, a camp for grieving children, found that one in nine people can expect to lose a parent before the age of 20.

T

* * *

o grieve at Penn means to grieve while still trying to achieve the “destructive perfectionism” this school tends to demand, a phrase Penn’s Task Force on Student Psychological Health and Welfare used in their recent report. For students who have suffered the loss of a parent, priorities and timing are uncontrollable.

“Obviously, I had good days and bad days,” Pat Zancolli says, squeezing in an interview in the food court next to CVS before his urban education seminar. “I’m still in the process of trying to get 100% up to speed.”

The College freshman and Daily Pennsylvanian reporter has spent the last month adjusting to life without his mom. On December 19th, she checked into a hospital for a severe headache. That headache led to her transfer to the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania where she fell into a coma. Though she woke up from the coma, the breathing tube she eventually received didn’t improve her condition.

Pat’s mom spent her last days with him in hospice at HUP. She passed away on February 5th.

Coming back to school and classes helped Pat, but the grieving process is still an integral part of his daily life. In Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), he’s found the time to reflect on what had happened.

“At Penn, sometimes it’s easy to forget about stuff like that,” Pat says.

“You’re so focused on the stressful envi-

ronment you’re in and how everyone is trying to keep up with their work.” He admits that taking time to grieve can make him feel guilty. “[That guilt] is why I wanted to go to CAPS, and that’s why my sessions have been helpful for me.”

CAPS isn’t the only resource for students who lose a parent. CaseNet, a team of university advisors housed in the College Office, provides students with support when they face academic difficulty caused by anything from illness to tragedy.

“One of our explicit goals is to make sure [CaseNet] is in touch with CAPS, SHS, the cultural centers, Weingarten and faculty, too,” says Wally Panseng, the Associate Director for Academic Advising in the College Office and CaseNet’s coordinator. “If a student reveals they’re having a difficulty, we try to make sure those folks know we are a resource.” When Penn students lose a parent, advisors let them dictate their next steps.

“Different students have different priorities—what they want to do and what they want to accomplish,” explains Penseng. “[For CaseNet], meeting them where they are, offering

them support for what they are going through is really important.”

There is no set protocol for advisors to help a student after the death of a parent. Meeting with a CaseNet advisor can result in anything from dropping a class to leaving for the semester to a seeking help from another campus resource.

“This is one of the hardest things students go through in our experience,” Penseng says. “So its really meaningful

for us to be as supportive as we can in as many ways as we can.”

Two days after her father passed, Lauren received a phone call from a CaseNet advisor. The advisor gave her condolences and the two set up a meeting to get Lauren back on track for the rest of the semester. She needed to decide what her schedule would be like when she returned to campus.

When they sat down, Lauren had no problem dropping a class, but the meeting took a turn when her CaseNet advisor asked that she provide “proof of death.”

“It was like, ‘I need to somehow be sure you are not lying to me,’" Lauren recalls of that meeting. “I don’t even know what she said, but that’s how it came off to me. I’m not a very emotional person in front of people,” But, she says, “I almost lost my shit in her office.” Lauren left the meeting with extreme hesitations about future interactions with the advisor.

J

* * *

ust as students must log back in to Penn InTouch and head back to their 9am classes after the loss of a parent, they must also find ways

to return to the social lives they left behind.

Before telling people about his mom, Pat always begins with the phrase, “‘I don’t want to make things weird.’"

“That’s my thing,” Pat says. “I don’t know if it’s the best thing to say, but I don’t mean to make things weird.” The fear of weighing down social interactions with the knowledge of their past holds some students back from sharing their situations. Pat says, “It’s a touchy subject. You don’t know how people are going to react.” After a loss, every situation from casual conversations in WilCaf to interview questions about family requires an extra level of consideration.

Pat may not know what to say when the topic comes up, but every other Monday night, Actively Moving Forward meetings begin almost as if they’re scripted: “Hi my name is __________ and it’s been X years/months/days since my _______ passed away.”

The students who gather for these meetings know exactly what the conversation will focused on. There’s no fear of making things weird.

In 2007, David Fajgenbaum (a 2014 Wharton MBA), founded Actively Moving Forward at Georgetown University after his mother passed away from cancer. His idea was to get a group together that understood what he was going through—that could help each other deal with the grieving process. The network of support groups has since expanded to about 60 campuses nationwide.

AMF has been at Penn for seven years and students head there with referrals from CAPS, SHS and other University resources.

“Grief is such a unique thing and you get so many different responses,” says Melanie Wolff, a College junior and the president of AMF. “So it’s hard to create an organization that caters to every person’s unique grieving process.”

Despite the difficulties, Melanie runs meetings that give other students a welcoming space to discuss the moments in their daily lives which are marked by loss. She first joined three years ago, when she was a freshman.

After losing her mother in her senior year of high school, Melanie was forced to deal with grief on her own for the first time when she came to Penn.

“I think my hardest moment was my one year anniversary. It was probably the darkest time of the year here, all dreary and snowy,” remembers Melanie. “I was breaking down in the bathroom during the day. I think I had AMF that week, and it was super important I went.”

I

* * *

n the end, we only have four years here.

“At the beginning of the semester there are so many opportunities. I had so many high hopes for this semester,” says Pat. “I feel like I’m a little bit behind others, which is frustrating for me. The only thing I can think about that is that each semester is a new thing.”

The death of a parent is one of the most personal forms of grief—yet, simultaneously, one of the most universal. For college students, losing a loved one accelerates the sense of urgency already permeating all other aspects of campus life. It can mean deciding whether or not to skip class on the anniversary of the death or leaving a party to escape a song that brings back old memories.

Sometimes, it just means trying to find a way to tell their story.

Amanda Suarez is a junior Fine Arts major from Philadelphia. She is the current Features editor for 34th Street Magazine. It has been a year and a half since she lost her mother.

A P R I L 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

FILM AND TV

UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT: IT'S A MIRACLE! Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is a gift from the comedic gods.

I binge watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt while high on Vicodin. Let me explain. Over spring break, I got my wisdom teeth out and decided that my slightly drug– fueled days were best spent discovering yet another Netflix original series.

Once I finished the thirteen–episode stint, I realized that it was not in fact the Vicodin that gave Kimmy Schmidt its unmistakable loopiness and goofiness—it was Tina Fey’s brainchild coming to full fruition. (Ed. note: The drugs probably didn't hurt, though.)

UKS is filled with diverse, crazy characters.

The show centers around Kimmy Schmidt—a “mole woman” who was recently freed from an underground cult—and her attempt to find herself in New York City. Every character has something unique (or outright crazy)

UKS QUOTES FOR THE DAILY QUAKER Mole women and their NYC friends are just like us! Kinda.

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about them. UKS doesn’t attempt to convince you once again that a totally relatable TV plotline involves six hot best friends with great jobs and cool apartments. Its characters are diverse in age, race and lifestyle, making for a much more realistic and interesting show.

Also important to the show is the strong female cast. After saying goodbye to Parks and Rec's hilariously neurotic Leslie Knope, Kimmy is warmly welcomed as another strong, confident female lead. Jane Krakowski and Carol Kane’s supporting roles as a rich Manhattan housewife and a money–grubbing landlord only add to the show’s diverse portrayal of female characters.

UKS uses its humor to create comedic edge. The show addresses topics like sex and

When your professor tries to have a test the day after Fling: “If this is your idea of a joke, then you belong in a Woody Allen film cause I’m not laughing.” —Xanthippe’s birth mom

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virginity, drugs and peer pressure. Its characters have undergone abduction, sexual assault, discrimination and racism. Yet all of these storylines are delivered with confident, unapologetic humor. When Titus, a black, gay character, fears he’s getting old, he laments, “Black, gay and old? I won't even know what box to check on the hate crime form!”

Simililarly, Kimmy addresses her abduction in a bunker by saying: “I survived, because that’s what women do. We eat a bag of dirt, pass it in a kiddie pool, and move on!” (What? She needed the iron.)

The characters on this show confront their demons in a meaningful way without sacrificing humor. And that sincerity makes the show so refreshing, even after the drug comedown.

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FILM AND TV

THE PENN STUDENT FILM FESTIVAL:

MAKING MOVES TO MAKE MOVIES

NICOLA GENTILI

ANN MOLIN

IVAN MOUTINHO

The Penn Student Film Festival has been around as long as the cinema studies major itself. It’s a fairly straightforward process, as frequent festival–goer Ann Molin (C ‘16) puts it: “The whole system is pretty simple. Submit a movie on time, and you’re in the festival.” There’s a time limitation—no movie can be longer than eight minutes— but otherwise students have free reign over the content in their films.

Professor Nicola Gentili, assistant director of the Penn Cinema Studies Department and the de facto person– in–charge for the festival, says they see terrific genre variety. “Documentaries are very popular. I think it’s easy for students to document something about their own experience. There’s a lot of parody about Penn symbols, as well.”

Each year, about 30–40 movies spanning these genres and more are submitted. The time restriction was created to screen all of these films in the Festival’s three day time span. While it can be difficult for some students to adhere to it, Ivan Moutinho (C ‘15), sees value in the constraint. “It gives us experience on how to shorten our work and get to the point—it can be really valuable for editors and filmmakers alike.”

There are two preliminary screening nights for the festival, where finalists are chosen for the third night of the festival. That night, 9–12 films are shown and 3 winners are chosen ($500 for first place, $250 for sec-

The Penn Student Film Festival gives Penn students with a knack for making movies a chance to showcase their work.

ond place, $150 for thirdscript to make a movie. The tion at the screenings to give place), as well as an audience version she directed will be feedback to the filmmakers. favorite which merits a $100 the one submitted. The festi- And the screenings provide a prize. The selection process val itself, according to Ivan, relaxed environment. involves juries of cinema seems to look for films that “People hang out. There’s studies professors, students have the most effort put into usually food and stuff. and a filmmaking expert them, in either the film's While the judges talk, everyduring the preliminary directing or editing. body sgets into their little nights. The jury on the final For students, the festival groups beccause everybody night is mostly comprised of provides an opportunity to brings their friends for the film studies professors, but show their movies to the verdict,” Ann says. student judges get to choose world, at a pre–professional The Penn Student Film the audience favorite. university where emphasis Festival attempts to fill the The festival, which started on actual filmmaking can void where the Cinema on Tuesday, has taken place be hard to find. The festival Studies department falls in various college houses, has loyal turnout each year, short. “We teach film as a is organized by the Cinema from students in Penn’s Bent text, so we understand the Studies Department in Button Society (the underurge, the desire to make collaboration with video graduate filmmaking club) your own movies,” Professor production professors. Any to college houses coeds who Gentili says on the subject. student can submit, but love movies, to really anyone Ivan also sees where the film many of the submissions who can wrangle a movie festival steps up, “To make come from cinema studies together. a good movie, you have to and fine arts majors who The audiences each year make a lot of bad ones, and have been enrolled in video are very responsive. Accordthe Penn Film Festival is a production classes. ing to Ivan, “For us to grow great chance to try.”

Ivan Moutinho and Ann as filmmakers, you need that Molin are two of these feedback. To just learn from CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS students and are both very it and get better at it.” It’s involved in the filmmaking part of a natural conversacommunities at Penn.

Ivan’s movie Imagined Warfare won first prize at the festival last year, and Ann is submitting for the first time this year after having attended the film festival for the last two years. Ivan, who is a La Fontana Della Citta communications major 215.875.9990 and a cinema studies minor, is ultimately most Experience a Touch of Italy interested in the editing At the Best BYOB In Philly! part of the filmmaking Seats 180 People process.

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*A*A*A simple simple simple random random random sample sample sample *$12.50/ticket *$12.50/ticket at the atatthe Rave theRave Rave of of 100 of100 100 Penn Penn Penn undergrads undergrads undergrads were were were *$12.50/ticket *$3.99 *$3.99 *$3.99 to rent totorent arent movie a amovie movie on on iTunes oniTunes iTunes surveyed surveyed surveyed to to collect tocollect collect data data data about about about At Penn, At Home | apartmentsatpenn.com | 215.222.0222 *$7.99/month *$7.99/month *$7.99/month on on Netflix onNetflix Netflix their their their film film fiviewing lmviewing viewing habits. habits. habits.

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ARTS

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NEED MORE NUDE? 1. Be an artist.

The lovely, owlish professor Ivanco Talevski runs free figure–drawing sessions for Penn arts students in Addams on Wednesday evenings. Stop by to sketch.

2. Have a lap dance.

Something neglected on the tours is that Atlantis Gentlemen's Club at 38th and Chestnut is just a block from campus. When you get down to it, stripping is performance art—somewhere between Pornhub and Cirque du Soleil.

3. DIY

Get naked and get going. Bonus points for anyone who streaks Hey Day!

ARTS

UNDRESS FOR SUCCESS Business professional and business casual are terms you're familiar with if you’ve ever been 25 square inches of photographic print for one to an info session, interview, internship or job BitchCoin. The idea is that, as the value of anything—basically if you're past freshman Sarah's work increases, so will the value of the year at Penn. The second word of each phrase is the indentifier, dictating whether a tie and/or BitchCoin.

Surprisingly, the photographs received little blazer are necessary. The first mandates, more resistance—both in production and distribuoften than not, a loss of childhood. tion.

They were shot for a project for Gabriel In 2013, Sarah Meyohas added a new dress Martinez’s Body and Photography class during code for aspiring professionals: business nude.

Meyohas’ junior spring semester. The first On her last day of classes, the then–Huntsshots were taken at 5am due to apprehension. man student released her series of photographs The artist and model simply walked in past of classmate Danielle posing nude in Huntsthe security guards (the model wearing only man Hall. The photographs, taken for a class a trench coat). The artist set up the lights in project, became available for purchase as the forum. The model disrobed. The artist postcards via her website. Within 24 hours snapped. Easy. the site had more than 6,300 visitors, and The simplicity of it all encouraged them to that number rose to more 15,000 in just a few days. While she expected people to look at the take more photographs over the course of two Business Nude photographs, the scale took her days, including shooting on the 8th floor at 2pm. It was then by surprise—“it was "The artist and model simply walked in past that someone did more powerful than the security guards (the model wearing only walk in. But after pictures on the wall.”

To work on a digital a trench coat), the artist set up the lights in being told it was platform necessitates the forum, the model disrobed, and the artist for a photography snapped. Easy. " project they left a relinquishment of without issue. control, the images are subject to the unquantiMeyohas said her favorite reactions to the fiable power of the internet and its users.

The photographs discuss the exchange of the project were that both Inge Herman, Executive Director of the Huntsman Program, and human body. Through the powerful images, Janice Bellace, professor of legal studies and that currency is feminized. For Penn students the work presents a familiar space that's loaded management, loved it. Furthermore, to this day, a group of guys from the Huntsman Prowith connotations. Meanwhile, outside of Penn, the setting is simply a random corporate gram have the postcards on their refrigerator.

Meyohas began to focus more on her space. The model is sexualized, exposed and artwork; she cites declining an OCR interncommodified. When talking about the series, ship to focus on her art as a turning point.

Meyohas said, “There is push and pull between After leaving Penn, Meyohas joined the MFA feminism and not.” program at Yale, a decision greatly influenced While she used to say her work wasn’t autobiographical, that's not longer the case. As by her mentor Terry Adkins. Adkins was a well–loved professor and renowned artist and a female artist interested in finance, the work musician who passed away in February of is unavoidably personal. Many of her other series are similarly centered on economies. For 2014.

She took a risk—a concept that's all too rare example, in "Gold Glitched," she explores the at Penn—and it paid off. Perhaps more Penn symbolic economy of gold. students should consider forgoing business Similarly, her venture BitchCoin turns her art into investment. Miroring the model of Bit- formal and business casual in favor of business nude.

Coin, BitchCoin allows investors to purchase CIARA STEIN

On her last day of classes in 2013, Huntsman alum Sarah Meyohas headed to Huntsman Hall with a camera and a naked woman.

*More images @ this url: http://www.sarahmeyohas.com/ Business-Nude

A P R I L 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 1

LOWBROW

LOW CAL LOWBROW: LOWBROW GETS IN SHAPE SIX WORKOUT TIPS FOR OUTSIDE THE GYM

Going to the gym can be a real drag. Here are Lowbrow's hot tips for keeping it tight without hitting up Pottruck.

1. Run away from zombies: It'll make your adrenaline spike so much that you won’t even realize you just got a killer workout. Goodbye brain eating undead creatures, hello toned calves.

2. Steal from the elderly: They’re usually deficient in at least two senses anyway, so they won’t even notice if you take a TV or a nice antique end table. Better yet, steal the elderly. Added challenge: swap people from different nursing homes. If you get caught, run.

Free cardio.

3. Get drunk and fuck shit up: A lot of people go to the gym to take kickboxing classes, but you can get the same

workout for free by getting belligerently drunk and then picking fights with people.

4. Do your kegels: Lowbrow is working out right now.

5. Beef up your diet: Try to only consume heavy food (whole watermelons, fully grown cows, etc.) so that even when you’re eating you’re building muscle.

6. Try weird sex things: Cosmo says that sex burns 75 calories an hour, but you can burn way more calories by doing the kinky shit. Have your partner tie you up and sing tribal chants backward as you try to break free. Make sure to engage your core.

Brunch

Steak and Eggs Two eggs any style served with a 14 oz. NY strip steak, a side of home fries toast. 12.99 Breakfast Burrito Grande A flour tortilla stuffed with eggs, Chihuahua cheese, black beans, pico de gallo, and chorizo, with more cheese and our tomatillo sauce. with sides of sour with creamour andpepperberry our Steak and Eggstopped Two eggs any style served with a 14 oz.

NYServed strip steak seasoned home guacamole. rub and a made side of home fries.7.99 Your choice of toast. 12.99 Burger Benedict Our famous sirloin burger served on top of a toasted brioche roll with ham and a poached egg and smothered in a jalapeno hollandaise sauce. Served with a side of home fries. 8.99

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Peels Diet: On this diet you can only eat the peels of various fruits and vegetables, but you can eat as much of those Breakfast Burrito Grande A flour tortilla stuffed with eggs, Chihuahua cheese, black beans, pico de gallo, Challah French Toast Sweet Challah Bread, powdered sugar. Served with Vermont maple syrup. 6.99 Toast cheese Hot, sweet bread stuffed dark rum bananas and and Banana chorizo,Stuffed toppedFrench with more andChallah our tomatillo sauce.with Served withcaramelized sides of sour cream and our peels as you want. Sit down sugar and a side of Vermont maple syrup. 8.99 with a bucket of lemon peels homepowdered made guacamole.

7.99 Signature Omelets 6.99 and dig in.

All omelets served with your choice of toast and a side of home fries Nails Diet: Trying to look Brighton bacon and cheddar Burger Benedict Our famous burger of a –toasted brioche roll with ham and a Copa – mild green chilies &sirloin Monterey jackserved on top San Remo – spinach and provolone cheese hot so you can get nailed by poached egg and smothered in a jalapeno hollandaise sauce. Served with a side of home fries. 8.99 Monte Carlo – mushrooms and cheddar Yucatan – fried onions, jalapenos, and Monterey that special someone? Try the Cannes – bacon and bleu cheese jack cheese nail diet! Fingernail clipOr Create your own Omelet! $3 MimoM a k e sa pings are chock full of much s y Signature Omelets 6.99 home&frour Bloody M ie a ry s s needed protein and calcium, All omelets served with your choice of toast and a side of home fries 11am - S1ppanish for but shockingly low in calo9m9¢! ries. Sautée and garnish with Poinsettia A twist on the classic mimosa, Champagne, Cointreau Liquor, and Cranberry Copa – mild green chilies andof Champagne, Victory Brighton – bacon and cheddar Monkey Mimosa A delicious mixture Golden Monkey, and Orange Juice. rosemary for a nice gourmet Monterey cheese Passion Mimosa Fruitjack Mimosa Cointreau Liquor, and Copa’s signature passion fruit Punch Monkey AChampagne, delicious mixture of Champagne, Victory Golden Monkey, and touch.

Remo spinach provolone Whipped Wake Up Call Start Your Day off right with 8 oz.San of coffee served–with Pinnadeand Whipped Cream Orange Juice.

Put that monkey back on your back.

Jelly Bean Diet: Dieting Vodka, Bailey’s Irish Cream, andjalapenos, Topped with Whipped Cream.

Yucatan – fried onions, Monte Carlo – mushrooms and cheddar shouldn't keep you from the Peppery Bloody Mary For those who like their Bloody Mary’s extra spicy, we substitute Southern Comfort and Monterey jack cheese Pepper instead of vodka with our special Bloody Mary mix. food you love.

With this diet Poinsettia A twist on the classic mimosa, Champagne, Cointreau Liquor, and Cranberry.

Cannes – than bacon and bleu cheese Twisted Mojitos Try one of our famous Mojitos mixed something other the traditional Rum for a you can guiltlessly indulge surprisingly delicious twist... Jack Daniels Honey or Carolina’s Sweet Tea Vodka your sweet tooth! For each

Brunch Drink Menu

Passion Fruit Mimosa Champagne, Cointreau Liquor, and Copa’s signature passion Fruit Brunch served Saturday and 11am-3pm | 40th and Spruce | copabanana.com OrSunday Create your own…

Punch, makes for a tasty mimosa.

Choose a cheese and 1 ingredient 6.99

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Whipped WakeProvolone, Up Call Start Your Day offBlue rightcheese, with 8 oz. of coffee served or with PinChoose from: Monterey Jack, Cheddar, American Swiss

meal you get one fruit flavored jelly bean (for vitamins) and two cheat jellybeans of whatever flavor you want throughout the day. Choose wisely.

Gizzard Diet: After a week of eating only gizzards you won’t have any appetite at all!

That’s when the weight loss really begins.

C Pet Diet: You probably only have a couple of pets, but if you ration them carefully and use proper preservation techniques you should be able to subsist on their meat alone for a couple of weeks. And then you'll be barking for more.

Plant diet: No, it’s not that you only eat plants, it's that you become a plant and get nourishment from the sun and water. Photosynthesis is the new black.

LOWBROW

only known cure? A life–long gluten–free diet.

Gluten–free is the new buzzword. People run away from it like an old iPhone or leggings that are not Lululemon. While most Americans don't know what it is, it strikes fear into the hearts of spin class instructors and those girls who lived on your hall freshman year who only drank diet chasThe Story of One Man’s Vendetta Against Wheat as told by neiers. Yet, there are those who ther a doctor nor a nutritionist. not only accept this lifestyle because it’s hip, but also because they “have” to. These Here's what we assume: Here's what we know: are people with celiac disease.

Did he hate wheat? Was his Bartlebee Atkins had a dream: Described as an immune 1. Both Celiac and Atkins mother killed by wheat? Did the complete destruction of the reaction to eating gluten, this were founded in the 1900s. he develop a violent vendetta gluten industry. He knew diets disease has recently become Strange timing, isn’t it? after some childhood bullying? would go in and out of style.

Scientific advancements or... widespread, with up to three We can only speculate.

But what never leaves is a life- million cases a year. conspiracy!?

3. Celiac and Atkins both long disease. Slowly, through 2. Robert Atkins was born Although Atkins has have a “ck” sound in them. unknown methods, he spread tried, some people still don't in Columbus, Ohio, a city How convenient. this gluten intolerance. The surrounded by wheat fields. understand fuckin' gluten. A

CELIAC DISEASE AND

ATKINS, THE CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU NEEDED.

YOU BETTER WORKOUT (CLOTHES) Workout clothes are getting more and more high fashion. With girls dropping huge amounts of money for running pants, you'll want to show off your workout wear at more places than the gym. Don't worry. We tell you how to make workout clothes into any occasion clothes.

• Okay, so you wear workout clothes to class.(We all know you aren’t actually going to Pottruck; you have a computer with you.) We want you to push it farther. Now that we know you can wear running shorts to an academic function, why not present your thesis while presenting your legs in spandex?

• Spray paint your sneakers gold so you can wear them out dancing and people will think they’re heels. People won’t notice the type of shoe—just the sparkle. Plus, if there are creepy guys at the club, you’ll be able to run away much faster.

• Yoga pants make your ass look great. Fact. Why not wear

them to a formal? Your ass will be like, Pippa Middleton level.

All your friends’ dates will be like, “Who’s that girl with the hot booty?” “I think that’s Jessica’s roommate?” “I thought she was someone’s cousin?” But you’ll just be yolo–ing in your yoga pants (yogaloing) like it aint no thang.

• One word: crop tops.

Okay, two words: crop tops.

Everyone is wearing them rn.

2015 fashion is like one big Buffy the Vampire Slayer rerun and no one knows why, but what we do know is crop tops.

But what is a crop top if not really a stretched out sports bra?

• Sweatbands are great for

keeping your hair out of your face during Zumba, but they’re also very useful during exams or presentations. All of your nervous sweat will be mopped up before you can say, “Shit, am I wearing deodorant?” And you’ll look fresh to death.

• You know what’s crazy? No one wears leotards anymore.

What’s up with that? What better way is there to say “I am sexy, fun and I know all the jazzercise moves that’ll drive the men crazy?” Wear it on a first date to show him what kind of girl you are.

• But this isn’t just for women—men already wear workout clothes fucking everywhere.

Just keep doing you, dude.

waiter was heard asking, “What kind of nut is gluten?” Another asked, “Does gluten grow in eggs?” Most devastating to the cause was a Starbucks barista informing a customer, “We don’t have gluten–free as a flavor, but we do have hazelnut and caramel.” When the same barista called out the order, he said, “Gluten–free water for Julie.”

Overhearing this caused Atkins to slip on the icy pavement in New York City, resulting in his death. Is Celiac a conspiracy or actually just a really common disease? Who cares. What matters is, shut up about being gluten–free. We don’t want to hear about it (that is, unless you have a serious medical condition).

LOWBROW HASN'T GONE TO THE GYM IN SEVEN MONTHS. SO WE MADE THIS UP.

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