February 27, 2014

February 27, 2014 34st.com

HIGHBROW DOES TINDER | LOWBROW DOES DPS | WINTER BULLSHIT BINGO

february 27 LOL

ZAYUMFROMTHEEDITOR

2014 3 HIGHBROW word on the street, overheard at penn, round up, HB does Tinder

5 EGO

ego of the week, winter bullshit bingo, quaker quirks

LOL

LOL

LOL

8 FILM

oscars edition

11 FEATURE

the orthodox community at penn

14 MUSIC

album reviews, nonsense songs, grammy music

he's confident ;)

dim sum dispatch, take a walk: chinatown

tryna write?

18 ARTS

LOL

references that I don’t know (can someone tell me what #NaeNae or Püma is?), they listen to music I’ve never heard, and if I were to actually attend one of their events, I would be truly out of place. I feel old.

Now I’m left wondering when this happened. When did we all grow up?

When I talk to my mom I feel cool, but when I scroll through my Vine feed I wish my boyfriend wore red Vans and that I could pull off saying things like “bae.”

Then I remember that I have Street to make me feel cool. A place where I can pull off cursing and not being in high school. My boyfriend might wear loafers but he looks damn good in them.

And I can stay out as late as I want.

Growing up isn’t so bad.

HEY BAE,

16 FOOD & DRINK

LOL

In part two of my tween–obsession saga (for those of you following along, yes, I’m still listening to One Direction), I have a crush on a group of teenage–boy Vine stars. Rereading that sentence made me gag a little. Who am I? More importantly, who are they? For those of you not in the middle school zeitgeist, there exists a thing called MAGCON (short for Meet & Greet Convention) where these “Viners” gather in cities across the country to pose, sing and dance for a 98% female audience. And if you don’t know what Vine is (hi, Mom) it’s an app that allows users to post six–second videos of whatever they please. The MAGCON family is really good at Vine. But really, they’re just good at being cute teenage boys with iPhones. Most have between 1 and 4 million followers.

What the experience of teenage–obsession has taught me is that I’m no longer a teenager. They make all sorts of

grafitti and murals, reviews, dispatch

22 LOWBROW

lowbrow does crime

24 BACKPAGE I believe...

OR

NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WRITERS' MEETING | 6:30 p.m. | 4015 'nut

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief Patrick Ford-Matz, Managing Editor Abigail Koffler, Digital Director Margot Halpern, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Byrne Fahey, Assistant Design Ling Zhou, Assistant Design Conor Cook, Assistant Photo Julia Liebergall, Highbrow Alex Sternlicht, Highbrow Nicole Malick, Ego Randi Kramer, Ego Emily Marcus, Food and Drink Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink 2

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 27 , 2 01 4

Cassandra Kyriazis, Film and TV Casey Quackenbush, Film and TV Michelle Ma, Features Zacchiaus McKee, Features Ariela Osuna, Music Lucy Hovanisyan, Music Ciara Stein, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Emma Soren, Lowbrow Patrick Del Valle, Lowbrow Marley Coyne, Backpage Emily Johns, Copy Clare Lombardo, Copy Justin Sheen, Copy

Alyssa Berlin, Web Producer Katie Hartman, Web Producer Giulia Imholte, Web Producer

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief, at bower@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

Lauren Greenberg, Social Media Sophia Fischler-Gottfried, Assistant Social Media Rosa Escandon, Multimedia

VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com

COVER DESIGN: Margot Halpern BACKPAGE DESIGN: Byrne Fahey Contributors: Annika Neklason, Julie Xie, Aidan Pongrace, Bethany Christy, Devan O'Connor, Mitchell Hung, Mark Paraskevas

"I'm about to take my bra off, if anyone wants to watch." ©2014 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday

HIGHBROW

HIGHBROW DOES TINDER

wordonthestreet

This week, Highbrow decided to venture into the world of modern love and see what all the kids are talking about. Swipe right, bitches.

Continued on next page

SHARING SEMEN

THEROUNDUP One more week until Highbrow packs its bags and heads for paradise. Yes ducklings, it’s almost our favorite time of year: SPRING BREAK! But until then, we’re getting in shape.

Start your engines and your juice cleanses, kittens. Welcome to Puerto Highbrowta.

The bouncers at Smokes’ may be hard on IDs, but they’re easy on bribery. This past weekend, one thirsty AXO was denied entry to the campus watering hole after the bouncer called her on her fake. Determined to get her $9 pitcher and dance floor romance, the lawless lass took matters into her own lips and proceeded to make out with the bouncer.

Convinced, the guard ultimately let the srat star into Joe’s kingdom. Who’s the real winner?

Highbrow doesn’t know, but there’s hope for those with sub–par IDs. Highbrow PSA: Theta has been placed on social probation. While the sisters hide away in Intermix dressing rooms, the state of the scene is under review. Who will THEOS bring to their date nights? Will ChiO take over the dance floor at the next Single Eye Production?

Will the side part be the new middle part? Only time will tell, but Highbrow speaks for everyone—we’re looking forward to a break from rocking black and shining gold.

One Alpha Phi girl got an early taste of March Madness. After bumping into 76ers player Nerlens Noel at her MyTie at Blur, the pherocious phan got him to exchange numbers. Later that week, she summoned the NBA rookie to Blarney, where he refused to go inside (ed note: respect). The empowered phi–male then used the slam–dunker to drive her to ZBT in his luxury vehicle. After rolling up to the frat, she offered to roll one with Noel, but he declined, probably on the grounds that he is a professional basketball player. Stricken with Alpha Phiver, Noel tried to get the girl back to his “crib,” but she politely declined.

This was one point he couldn’t score.

Yes, the Mask & Wig show is still happening, but their clubhouse sink is currently out of order. During a rowdy after–party, one groupie stumbled to the bathroom, eager to relieve herself. For reasons unknown, she neglected the commode and went for the sink. With a resounding crash, the sink unhinged from the wall. Looks like she took “Wishful Sinking” a little too seriously. We know the Mask & Wig show is dirty, and we assume their hands are too.

over heard PENN at

Theta frosh: Siri, where's Oz? A's boy: Who the fuck doesn't have Uber?!

Girl on Locust: I may have egged a house once VP security guard: I ooze flowers Blonde girl: I just feel like I get really fucked up and suck dick at every date night

Walking out of VP on Saturday afternoon, I had five new Grindr messages. Booyah. Three message were from an old “professional type” looking for a twinky college boy, and the others were from a steamy grad student in the School of Design. As I chatted up the horny hottie, we quickly figured out that he knew my ex–boyfriend. Soon after, the grad student sent me a dick pic that looked eerily familiar.

Yes, it turned out to an old picture of my ex’s pretty peepee. This grad student clearly knew that, when it comes to dick, I have good taste.

Apps like Grindr truly facilitate the sharing of dicks—both digitally and physically—in an already small community. Hurrah, hurrah for all the gays!

It was during my senior year of high school that I first entered the free lovin’ gay scene.

Not to brag, but I hooked up with an entire friend group; all handsome, LA Ivy League graduates. Cornell, Yale, Princeton...I climbed that Ivy vine all the way to the top. In such a small group, all my clean–cut cuties knew the same intimate details about my body and sexual desires. I looked forward to cutting it down to one Ivy: Penn, a school of 10,000, where I assumed my sex life would belong to me.

I imagined our sweat, saliva and semen making some ultra–gay jungle juice at Penn, and I got a little thirsty. But only a few weeks after freshman NSO, I learned about Penn’s massive Eskimo brother population from another gay freshman. I named a few boys lucky enough to grace my Twin XL, only to find out he got lucky with them, too. What’s more, we—and two other frosh—had all blown the same junior. I know I’m an affable guy, but I didn’t know I was so F–able.

It seems like we, as gays, all know each other and have all hooked up with one another— either by applying condoms or by applying the transitive property. Even if I get around more than other gays, it’s still difficult to avoid hooking up with the same people. Like my former L.A. Fuck League, Penn’s gay community feels equally interconnected; queer Quakers are somehow naturally privy to personal details about my sex life.

I want my sex life to be private, but I also want to have sex—a lot of sex. I know that the gay population will always be in the minority, but it feels even smaller in University City. So, right now, I accept the shared semen and the Eskimo brothers. I'll wait until after graduation to vow to keep my private parts private.

F E B R U A R Y 27 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

3

HIGHBROW

Check out more Hi–Brau @ 34st.com Or go read a book. Your stupid.

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EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: EMILY RUBIN

This Nightingale Nurse may be a Tinder tease, but she’s DFA: down for anything. You can find her under the button—get your mind outta the gutter! She’ll be filming her UTV series, “The Button Show with Emily Rubin.”

Street: What’s it like being a senior nurse.

ER: I’m doing clinicals at CHOP twice a week. I’m on a pediatric surgical floor, so I see a lot of different kids who have had their tonsils out, had their appendix out, a lot of things like that. And then a lot more serious cases...I just help out for eight hours.

Street: And you’re a pediatric nurse?

ER: Oh yeah, because I’m literally a child at heart. I only want to work with kids. I love the children, they laugh at all my jokes. So it’s like, new friends, you know?

Street: What’s the craziest job you’ve ever had?

ER: I used to work at Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Like a motivational dancer. I got paid $25 an hour; it was the most fun job I’ve ever had.

Street: From Bar Mitzvahs to your own TV show?

ER: Yes! I have a show. It’s very new, I interview people. Everyone who meets me is like, you should have your own reality show. But I don’t want to

be some Bravo, empty housewife. I feel like I’m a mixture of “Chelsea Lately” and others!

It’s a mixture of making people feel really awkward and uncomfortable and asking them questions that they’re just like, “what the...?” It starts usually with, “What do you do on campus?” And then it evolves into, “Play with this toy!”

“How do you feel about this Rubik's Cube?” It’s funny. It’s random. Also, every single person I interview comes through under the button, like through the hole.

Street: Do you Tinder?

ER: I kill it on Tinder. I’m literally the coolest girl on Tinder. Yeah, my “About Me” is “Looking for love or lust or guacamole.”

Street: There are two types of people at Penn...

ER: People that have sex under the button, and people who host a TV show under it.

Street: Describe yourself in three words.

ER: I think Sour Patch Kids.

Sour. Patch. Kids.

Street: Which Spice Girl are you?

ER: Baby Spice. Any excuse to wear blonde pigtails, I’m there.

Like, example, Zenon. I wear blonde pigtails anytime I can. I am Baby.

Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history, who would it be and why?

ER: I think Miley Cyrus. I want to pick her brain with her...decision...you know, what she’s doStreet: So is that your guilty ing. I want to pick her brain. pleasure?

ER: Here’s the problem. I’ll Street: Favorite Disney Chanbuy a new thing of medium nel Original Movie? salsa and a new thing of mul- ER: AHH DCOMs! I’m obtigrain Tostito’s scoops. So you finish the salsa, mostly. There are three [jars] in the fridge that just have one layer of salsa. My guilty pleasure is buying a new jar of salsa every single time.

sessed with DCOMs. I was Zenon for a party. I’m Zenon, I’m Cadet Kelly. They’re my favorite, but I also relate to them in so many ways. I also love—it’s so underrated—“Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook–Off.” He just wanted to be a chef! Like let Eddie do Eddie! Also “Double Teamed,” also “Luck of the Irish.” The list goes on. This is why there should be an annual DCOM themed party at Penn.

Street: First AIM screenname?

ER: One of my first ones was watermelon8276. It has no meaning. I was also litlmizzbl0nde. Like, L–I–T–L. Could I spell?

Street: Tell us about your first kiss.

ER: Um, camp. The song, “God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You”

by N*SYNC. A dance. It was magical, honestly, if every kiss was just like that, it would just be awesome.

Read more of Emily's interview online at 34st.com

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F E B R U A R Y 27 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

5

EGO

Mark all that have happened to you in the past 24 hours. If you win, you’ve survived a lot of winter bullshit. Take a personal day.

Slip on ice in front of your hot crush

Step in a surprise slush puddle up to your knees

Sleep under 17 blankets

Discover permanent rock salt stains on everything

Leave your umbrella in class or VP. Return to find it gone.

Coffee gets cold before you even get to class

Heater breaks. Maintenance DGAFs.

Bitches be instagrammin’ snow (can’t walk around them)

Overheat when you walk into buildings

Track snow everywhere

FREE Freeze, collapose when you get out of the shower

Get to class late thanks to snow and that necessary coffee pitstop

Endless typos from your fat, gloved texting fingers

Get knocked in the head by rogue 'brellas

Wear the same outfit all week (since you’ll never take your coat off)

Chronic hat hair

So much more Ego @ 34ST.COM

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QUAKER QUIRKS

EGO

The little things that make us love Penn. Tweet yours @34st_ego.

Food trucks galore for lunch unda five dolla’

The Red & Blue Crew to bring spirit to Penn’s (less– than–spirited) campus

The view as you cross the Walnut Street bridge

BYOs, Quizzos and other fun drinking activities as frat–ternatives

Gawker ranks Penn as one of the top 10 gay–friendly universities. Hurrah Hurrah Pennsyl–gay–nia!

Free coffee and brownies in Bridge Cafe to cheer you up during finals

Penn UTV, a free Netflix knock off on AirPennNet

Greek life is very intermingled, no southern school–type rivalries here

10 swipes at a dining hall gets you a phat/fat tub of ice cream “for a club meeting”

Punch cards for absolutely everywhere

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7

FILM & TV

Film & TV presents:

The Academy Awards

AMY GUTMANN + BENJAMIN FRANKLIN’S OSCAR 2014 PREDICTIONS [DISCLAIMER: Amy Gutmann did not actually write this, and Ben Franklin is dead, stupid.]

AMY GUTMANN'S PICKS Best Picture: “12 Years A Slave” While I know my beloved Wharton constituents are hoping for “The Wolf of Wall Street” or perhaps “American Hustle,” the Academy will give the big prize to the best and brightest movie in the best and brightest season in recent cinematic history. And, real talk, that film is “12 Years A Slave”—a brutal, heart–wrenching, transcendent work of art. It will be shown in classrooms for decades to come (History of the American South, anyone?).

Best Actor: Matthew McConaughey, “Dallas Buyers Club” A wonderful slew of performances by many iconic talents this year and, while I personally am rooting for Chiwetel Ejiofor of “12 Years,” I predict surfer– bro–turned–legitimate–actor Matt will continue his winning streak on Sun-

College Houses presents the

2014

PENN STUDENT

Explore your creative talents, become engaged in Penn's film community and win great prizes!

We are accepting submissions of films which will be screened in the College Houses over the course of four nights. Prizes range from $500 to $100 — not to mention the chance to screen your cinematic artwork in front of a large audience!

For complete rules for submission, please see the website below. The competition is open to all students of the University of Pennsylvania.

Submission deadline is Friday, March 21, 2014.

day for his remarkable role as an AIDS patient. I’m well aware, however, that the Quaker ladies have their fingers crossed for somehow–still–Oscarless Leo DiCaprio—never say never!

Best Actress: Cate Blanchett, “Blue Jasmine” Shut it down, people, this is Cate’s TIME TO SHINE. She won Supporting for her amazing portrayal as Katharine Hepburn in “The Aviator,” but now she’s the lead and frontrunner over Sandra, Judi, Amy and even Meryl. I sure don’t know what I would do if I lost my glamorous lifestyle like Jaz, but Cate’s revelatory performance showed me just how far the mighty can fall.

Best Supporting Actor, Jared Leto, “Dallas Buyers Club” In a twisted world where Jonah Hill has been nominated for an Oscar twice, rest assured he has no chance of winning over 30 Seconds to Mars’ Jared Leto, who is now an esteemed actor. Hollywood so often forgets the T in LGBT and Leto's captivating, layered performance has garnered immense praise and a near–lock on Oscar night. Plus, the 42–year–old’s (!) flowing ombre hair is the only other look I’d consider trying on besides my blonde locks.

Best Supporting Actress: Lupita N’yongo, “12 Years A Slave” Cannot rave enough about Lupita, so let’s just settle to say she’s a goddess, she’s consistently the best dressed on the red carpet and her heartbreaking work as abused slave Patsey blows Jennifer Lawrence’s boozy housewife out of the water. I predict and pray the Academy recognizes the Kenyan actress’s career–making debut.

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FILM & TV

BFRANK’S PICKS Best Picture: “American Hustle” The American Hustlers are my kind of people. Clever and cunning—with a bald spot and a pot belly! And whoo-wee those boobies, Amy. Mmm, Ben Franklin can think of absolutely nothing he likes more.

On a more serious note, though, David O. Russell knocked it out the park once again (holla @ Philly, Silver Linings) and this time it’ll pay off.

Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, “Wolf of Wall Street” He’s powerful, he’s virile, he’s all–American.

He’s a little Ben Franklin. He’ll never win— but he’s as sexy and suave a representation of the American Dream we’ll get these days.

Plus, it’s deliciously self–righteous to root for the most–qualified underdog.

Best Actress: Amy Adams, “American Hustle” While I will admit that her ever–present cleavage is playing a role in my decision on this one, Amy’s role as a con artist playing back and forth between a British and American accent was impressive to say the least.

I’m calling her as underdog coming out on top against the revered lady Cate. If for no other reason then to go against the grain.

I’m Ben Franklin, y’all.

Supporting Actor: Jonah Hill, “The Wolf of Wall Street” I like men after my own heart, and Jonah Hill is that man. He knows he’s hot stuff despite his somewhat alarming appearance, and he’s got the wit to put down any haters, especially in his turn as Donnie Azoff in my favorite meditation on the glory of money, “The Wolf of Wall Street.” And pulling off those teeth? A feat in itself, there, Joney–boy.

Supporting Actress: Lupita N’yongo, “12 Years a Slave She gave a breakout performance, and it’d be good of the Academy to recognize that.

No competition. Although, had Amy Adam’s sideboob been nominated in this category (let’s talk about the biggest snub of the Oscar season), Ms. N’yongo might have had some robust competition.

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9

FILM & TV

OSCAR GOODIE BAG FOR THOSE WHO JUST WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH

OPEN 7 DAYS

W

hile an Oscar is the most coveted award in Hollywood, even the nominees who don’t win go home with what is called a “swag bag.” A Los Angeles marketing firm awards every nominee with a gift bag of goodies worth upwards of $45,000, which includes vacations to Hawaii and Mexico, VIP service at London Heathrow airport, condoms, tequila and personal training sessions (because even Hollywood’s A–listers binge eat after a highly publicized rejection). Though Penn doesn’t have its own Academy Awards, we decided to join in on the fun and create our own swag bag of goodies.

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1. All expenses paid weekend in New York City. Includes two Acela round trip tickets

to the Big Apple with a Friday–Sunday stay at the Trump SoHo New York hotel because downtown is so in–the–scene right now.

2. Turn the rage you feel at being snubbed into some killer abs with five free group exercise classes at Pottruck. We recommend Body Combat.

3. VIP service at Van Pelt during finals week. Forget the stress that is finding a table— you and your entourage not only get a table, but free Pod delivery as well.

4. One handle of SKYY vodka. Think about it... it isn’t Bankers.

5. A package of Wharton–themed condoms. They’re covered with money symbols and give you that extra boost of self–importance when you need it the most.

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Billy Crystal (~45% between 19902012): He enters by riding a live horse onstage. He enters by riding on the bow of the Titanic. He enters by being carried by a cop. In short, he enters like a man who knows how to blend the right amount of nostalgic, slapstick gimmicks with the right amount of heartfelt snark. The most endearing Oscar host, with the best song and dance numbers.

Steve Martin (2001, 2003, 2010): He makes political jokes without being belligerent (we’re looking at you Chris Rock), gender and sexuality jokes with sensitivity (someone tell Seth McFarlane about this) and his work is like the best–stand up comedy you’ll ever see.

To boot, he’s charming as hell, and everyone has had a DILF crush on him at one time. Who wouldn’t want to spend an evening with Steve?

Ellen DeGeneres (2007, 2014): She genuinely admits that hosting was a dream of hers as a kid: not winning an Oscar, but hosting the event. She follows this by telling children to “aim lower.” Straight–faced as ever, she’s been known to vacuum during the ceremony and push her screenplays on Martin Scorsese. There’s a reason why she’s hosting again.

Whoopi Goldberg (1994, 1996, 1999, 2002): Much like Crystal, Whoopi never shied from antics and spectacle: in 1999, she entered in full Queen Elizabeth regalia, complete in powdered white face, and in 2001, she descended from the ceiling singing “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend.”

The sassiest.

Bob Hope (50% between 1940–1978): Oldie but goodie, he’s the man who essentially branded Oscar host as a highly–coveted position, and the first to take now–customary cracks at the stars of the film galaxy. Think Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at the Globes, with a dash of old–fashioned class and the perfect amount of self– awareness about the silliness that is awards night.

THE WORST: James Franco & Anne Hathaway (2011): If you’re minutely in tune with the last five years, you should be aware that Anne Hathaway once hosted the Oscars with James Franco, whose input in the endeavor was just about as striking as his invisible art (Yes, that means nothing. Just air.). And yes, just as he sold this “invisible art” for thousands of dollars, so too, was he paid for standing onstage sullenly, or maybe just stoned, at the Oscars. Ah, the spoils of celebrity.

JOANNA GLUM

F E AT U R E

By Cassandra Kyriazis

A

t one Locust Street house, a Wharton junior wearing a knit cap yarmulke comes bursting through the door at four o’clock in the afternoon on a Friday. After hurriedly greeting his housemate, he walks by a common room sporting a beer pong table and his house number written in beer caps on the wall. The sun is set to go down at 5:30 that day, and he has only until then prepare his part for the weekly Shabbat dinner. To an unknowing onlooker, this scene might seem more frat house than religious hub. The setting is inconsistent with the serious nature of the orthodox services to which he’s counting down.

Friday afternoons are pretty laid–back by Penn standards but, for the microcosm of Penn students who practice Orthodox Judaism, they are downright hectic. Just about any work that members of the Orthodox Community at Penn, or OCP, need to get done before Sunday must be finished before sundown on Friday. Once that sun dips below the horizon, members of the OCP can’t utilize technology, exchange money or even write anything down.

What they can do, though, is socialize, and on Friday nights, the OCP social scene comes alive.

After about an hour of services in Hillel on a Friday night, members of the OCP scatter to various Shabbat dinners both on and off campus. Some OCP–ers stick to Hillel for the night, others head over to the second floor of Rodin, where the members of the Jewish Cultural Program live, and even more people migrate to one of the established off–campus houses that keep kosher.

These dinners are at the heart of a tight–knit religious community whose spiritual and social lives are so deeply intertwined that it’s impossible to say where one starts and the other ends. Though the members attend the same daily prayer services, Jewish life seminars and Torah learning sessions in Hillel, it all comes back to Friday nights, when members of the OCP get together to celebrate the Jewish day of rest—by hanging out with a whole lot of matzah balls and manischewitz.

The Shabbat dinners that take place outside of Hillel are grand potluck affairs where hosts welcome anywhere from five to 20 guests. And there’s more than just a variety of food; members who host dinners make it a point to invite different people to their gatherings each week—from all sects of Judaism. “Sometimes it will be everyone who did this summer program last year, or everyone who lived in this house together last year as a reunion type thing, F E B R U A R Y 27 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

F E AT U R E

F E AT U R E

(n.) God’s commandments.

but sometimes the hosts just choose some people they think might get along and don’t know each other yet,” College junior Tamar Friedman says, explaining the culture surrounding Shabbat dinner.

The hosts of these dinners almost take on the role of temporary social chair as they design their guest lists. They plan and send out invites towards the beginning of the week, especially because last–minute texts and invites can’t be sent the night of.

Plus, the earlier an invite is sent out, the more likely it is that the person invited won’t have made another Shabbat commitment. Everybody wants to have a good time, and fun starts with a carefully crafted guest list.

The OCP has about 200 members, although it’s hard to put an exact number to it. Put frankly by Engineering junior Mordy Fried, “Saying ‘I’m a member of the OCP’ is really the only admissions process we have.” The vast member base of the OCP is involved in a spectrum of other groups on campus, from the UA to political activism to Greek life. A group of 200, though, can still seem fairly inaccessible to outsiders. Those on the edges of the OCP see the group as somewhat insular. “It’s understandable that sometimes people may feel a little intimidated, but I think that’s the case when you have a large group of students who are similarly minded,” Hillel president and Engineering junior Alon Krifcher says in response to those descriptions.

Due to the OCP’s innate religious affiliation, most of the members come from similar backgrounds. Many took a gap year in Israel and attended Jewish day schools.

They come to Penn already knowing other members of the OCP because they’ve done

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the same programs in Israel or played in the same Jewish basketball leagues. It’s not that they’re exclusive—it’s that the core of their community is based around their Orthodox Jewish upbringings.

Sitting in Hillel in the early evening, one OCP member is checking her email before a Sunday Night Learning session, and the words “Mazel Tov!” appear on the screen.

A message comes in announcing the engagement of two recently graduated OCP– ers. She shrugs, unphased, and shuts her laptop, ready to learn some Torah portions.

“There’s definitely, definitely couples, and they definitely get engaged. There’s a married couple now. This past summer, three OCP couples got married who had just graduated,” College sophomore Galit Krifcher, Alon’s sister, explains of the dating culture within the OCP. College sophomore Carly Mayer feels like this marriage mentality stems from “a focus around the family; a lot of Jewish practices are around the family, having children and such, so to a certain extent there is that culture of getting married earlier than normal.”

Many OCP members also take part in a Jewish practice called “shomer negiah.”

This refers to the restriction against touching members of the opposite sex besides spouses and immediate family members.

Not all members of the OCP are shomer negiah, but the tradition echoes the family values mentality of much of the community. Carly, who is shomer negiah, explains it as simply the right choice for her as a Jew: “I know it’s a little bit of a funny concept, but I also think there’s a lot of meaning behind it. I really just felt like it was the right thing to do, for my framework, in my Jewish practices.”

Many members of the community have the same mindset as Carly, and College sophomore Ben Bolnick goes further to explain that he thinks the physical part of relationships can “distract and detract from a relationship.” For some members of the OCP, marriage is a much more serious consideration than it is for the average Penn student, and personalities in romantic relationships are examined with more purpose.

From an outsider’s perspective, those focused on finding a significant other look like they are are rushing into marriage—or worse—that they’re only getting married in order to fast track the road to coitus. In reality, most OCP–ers who are focused on marriage are more focused on seeking out a fulfilling religious life—which for many Jews is with a vibrant family life, and family starts with marriage. For OCP–ers, negiah aids in the search for finding someone to share that family life with, but it can also cause a few awkward moments in the broader Penn community.

Mordy, who is also negiah, explains that he tries not to embarrass anyone by avoiding something like a handshake or a high– five. In one particular instance, though, he had to lay down some Jewish law for a close friend. “Freshman year, I was very close with a girl from Miami, we were in all the same introductory engineering classes. She—and I knew this was gonna happen, we were sitting in all our classes together—I knew when we got back from winter break, that she was gonna go in for the hug, and she did.” Mordy accepted the friendly embrace, but afterwards had to sit his hallmate down and explain that he’s shomer negiah, which meant that hugs would be out–of–bounds from then on.

Ultimately, though, those who are shomer negiah feel a deep religious commitment to the practice. No amount of awkward en-

counters is going to change their decision.

Where Penn’s dating culture is often perceived to thrive on a mixture of alcohol and vague physical attraction, those within the OCP are focused on more concrete, or as Alon refers to it, “substantial” connections.

“There’s a lot less of the hook–up culture, a lot less of the ‘go to a party and make out with someone on the dance floor,’ to be frank,” he goes on to say about the OCP. Carly explains that the serious dating culture is common because “that’s how a lot of Orthodox Judaism is, even if people aren’t getting married, they’re at least trying to date, and their dating mindset is more or less...‘Can I possibly see myself with this person in the future?’” It’s easier to tell something like that when spending as much time together as members of the OCP do.

In many ways, the religious and social lives of OCP–ers are one and the same at Penn—so much so that it’s sometimes difficult to find a distinction, let alone properly dissect the two. For Galit, that’s one of her favorite parts of the group, “you don’t have to be excluded from the social element of college by being in an Orthodox community here.” At Penn, a core part of the Orthodox community is based on the social nature of the celebration of Shabbat.

The religious and the social converge in the OCP, and that creates what some may describe as an insular community. However, to those within the OCP, it’s a tight knit group of individuals who share the same values and like to spend time together.

Mordy described the community best, though: “we’re just religious people, and we like to have fun.”

Cassandra Kyriazis is a College sophomore from Swarthmore, PA majoring in communications. She is the Film & TV editor for

(adj.) “observant of touch”—the term refers to someone who refrains from physical contact with members of the opposite sex. (n.) If you have to read the definition, then this one’s for you (a non–Jew). See also: goy.

:

(n.) a quorum of ten men (or in some synagogues, men and women) over the age of 13 .

• Required for traditional Jewish public worship.

Orthodox Jews believe that God gave Moses the whole Torah, containing 613 binding mitzvots, at Mount Sinai.

• Modern Orthodox Jews strictly observe halakhah (Jewish Law), but still integrate into modern society.

• Ultra–Orthodox Jews, which includes Chasidic Jews, strictly observe Jewish laws and do not integrate into modern society, dressing distinctively and living separately.

Conservative Judaism maintains that the ideas in the Torah come from God, but was proliferated by the people. Conservative Jews accept and follow the binding halakhah (Jewish Law), but also believe that the Law should be adaptable as the world changes.

Reform Jews believe that the Torah was written by a wide spectrum of people, rather than by God, but the two belief systems are integrated.

While Reform Jews do not believe that the halakhah is binding, members of this sect maintain a value and ethics system based on the fundamentals of Judaism.

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St. Vincent is crazy! Always has been and (fingers crossed) always will be. Her beautiful, if jarring, voice conveys lyrics that are almost conversational—that is, if you’re conversing with an artistic woman who is fighting the conventional world, and winning. Her new self–titled album is more dance–driven than her previous four full–lengths, but it still features her signature blend of edgy guitars, techno synths and bold horns that will convince you to listen to the single, “Digital Witness,” on repeat. If anyone has an extra ticket to her sold–out show at Union Transfer tomorrow, hit me up!

Grade: A– Download: “Regret” Sounds best when: Finishing your last Friday class on a sunny afternoon DEVON O’CONNOR

“OXYMORON” SCHOOLBOY Q Just seconds into Schoolboy Q’s major label debut, one thing becomes very clear: “Oxymoron” marks the return of the old school. As is proclaimed on “What They Want,” “Oxymoron” is what longtime rap fans want, and what hip– hop needs. Q is in control from the jump on this dark project, delivering street–based rhymes with conviction and grit using a variety of flows. While the album isn’t for everyone, it contains a potent string of singles—including “Collard Greens,” ft. Kendrick Lamar, “Man of the Year,” and the Alchemist– laced “Break the Bank”—that are sure to please hardcore and casual hip–hop fans alike.

Grade: A– Download: “Blind Threats” ft. Raekwon Sounds best when: Ridin’ ‘round and wild’n out SEAMUS POWERS

MUSIC

NANANANONSENSE SONGS

With the most nonsensical lyrics known to music, it’s easy to wonder how these tracks became so popular. Here’s a breakdown of why you should listen to them. Did we miss something? Tweet us @34st_music.

SONG

MOST REPEATED LINE

BEST LINE

"Blue" Eiffel 65

“Da ba dee da ba die”

“Blue his house with a blue little window and a blue corvette”

Feeling mopey? Although “everything is blue,” you can’t listen to it and actually be blue.

It’s the perfect cure.

"Cha Cha Slide" Mr. C

"Take it back now y'all"

“Hands on your knees!

Hands on your knees!”

To our dance–challenged friends: this is your song. No practice necessary because you never have to remember the moves!

"The Ketchup Song" Las Ketchup

“Asereje ja de je de jebe tu jebere seibiunouva, majavi an de bugui an de buididipi”

“Plays the mix that diego mezcla con la salsa, y la baila and he dances y la canta”

If you want to sound like you’re particularly good with foreign languages, learn the words to this song and let this Spanish–English–jibberish tune roll off your tongue.

"Macarena" Los Del Rio

“Da le a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena. Que tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria y cosa buena”

“Now, don’t you worry ‘bout my If you do not know this song and boyfriend, the boy whose name is the dance that goes with it, fix that. If you don't know Vittorino” Vittorino, neither do we.

"Dragostea Din Tei" Ozone

“Ma–ia–hii, Ma–ia–huu, Ma–ia– haa, Ma–ia–haha”

“Alo, alo, sunt iarasi eu, Picasso” aka “hello, hello, it’s me again, Picasso”

ANYONE can relate. Listen to this song as an old, familiar pick–me–up, or just as a goofy study break. Dance like that weird internet guy.

"Whip My Hair" Willow Smith

“I whip my hair back and forth”

“Whether it’s black stars, black cars, I’m feeling it, but can’t none of them whip it like I do”

You never know when you might find yourself in a whip yo’ hurr dance off, but make sure you come prepared.

"Barbie Girl" Aqua

“I’m a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world, life in plastic, it’s fantastic!”

“I’m a blond bimbo girl, in the fantasy world, dress me up, make it tight, I’m your dolly”

Everyone needs a diva moment.

To your inner Barbie/Ken: let this be yours.

B E ST OS C A R S ORIGI NAL SO NG

1. “Happy” by Pharell Williams “Despicable Me 2” This feel–good anthem (with a 24–hour music video) is pretty much unavoidable, but that doesn’t take away from its charm.

SOUNDS BEST WHEN: Strolling down Locust Walk like you’re floating on air 2. “Let It Go” by Idina Menzel “Frozen” This power ballad is perfect for the change in weather. Belting out “the cold never bothered me anyway” while basking in the glorious almost–spring sunshine has never felt so good.

SOUNDS BEST WHEN: Trying to convince your hall to build a snowman with you with whatever’s left of the latest blizzard

3. “The Moon Song” by Karen O "Her" Look around while this song is playing, because you may end up catching some of your “tough guy” friends trying to hide a tear or two. This simple yet beautiful jawn can make any Scrooge or Grinch feel like they’re “a million miles away.”

SOUNDS BEST WHEN: It’s the soundtrack to a love story set in a Huntsman GSR 4. “ORDINARY LOVE” by U2 “Mandela” This classic U2 joint is a powerful song from a powerful movie and, even with stiff competition, it will be tough to beat this one for the award.

SOUNDS BEST WHEN: It’s blasting out of the speakers at Pottruck in 10 years or so.

WHY LISTEN?

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FOOD & DRINK

DIM SUM DISPATCH: DIM SUM GARDEN 12:27 p.m.: Arrive. They don’t know where to seat us as we glance at a few options.

12:28 p.m.: They put us at a table across from the cooks. Too much eye contact. Why do I keep looking up?

12:29 p.m.: We face the realization that this place offers menus, not carts of ready–to– eat food.

12:30 p.m.: The waitress wants to take our order. We are still baffled by the menu. We need more time.

12:35 p.m.: We can’t find pork buns. They are out of vegetable steam buns. Waitress recommends egg and scallion buns ($3.25). This will be our only spontaneous decision of the day.

this scorching 50–degree day.

Oh, they forgot the bubbles.

12:41 p.m.: I spend a full minute trying to slurp up an extremely long piece of delicious, garlicky bok choy.

12:36 p.m.: We are bored. Seriously why are there no carts? We 12:43 p.m.: They use fresh wanted immediate gratification. honeydew in what we will now call a smoothie. It nicely washes 12:38 p.m.: The bok choy away the saltiness of the bok ($6.95) is the first dish to arrive. choy. The waitress brings over I look up again. A giant pile of boba to add to my drink. raw meat is sitting on a plate in the kitchen window.

12:44 p.m.: We salivate at the sound of a rolling cart. It’s dirty 12:40 p.m.: The bubble tea dishes. ($3.50) comes. Sweet relief on 12:45 p.m.: The pork soup dumplings ($5.75) arrive looking steamy and amazing.

Molten liquid sprays out upon the first bite, but they most definitely do the job.

12:48 p.m.: Amidst the plethora of dumplings on our table, we decide to Google if what we’re getting is in fact dim sum. First, another pan–fried beef dumpling ($5.75). Why

didn’t we order more of these?

12:49 p.m.: Googling scallion pancake ($3.50). Oh my god these are good. Some kid throws a storm trooper mask at me.

12:49 p.m.: This table is way too tiny for this amount of food.

The lack of space is disturbing.

12:54 p.m.: Egg and scallion buns are just not doing it.

Where’s the pork?

12:58 p.m.: We try different methods of successfully extracting soup from dumplings. They are now cold, but as scrumptious as ever.

1:03 p.m.: But why are there no pork buns? These chive and egg buns are wrong. Just wrong.

1:05 p.m.: My plate has become a mixture of sauces from the different dishes. Perfect for dumpling dipping. We keep trying the veggie buns. They don’t get better.

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1:06 p.m.: We call Mayflower Bakery to see if they are open.

They are.

1:08 p.m.: We re–glance at the menu. Though the majority of our dishes were tasty, we decide to move on elsewhere.

1:10 p.m.: On the way out, we learn it’s a BYO. Good to know.

By now a long line of hipsters have taken over the restaurant.

This new, modern location is very different from its old spot in the sketchy bus terminal.

1:11 p.m.: We walk by Ocean Harbor and Joy Tsin Lau, envious of the bustling carts. C’est la vie.

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FOOD & DRINK

TAKE A WALK: CHINATOWN Philly’s Chinatown is a great destination no matter the time of day, but many of its delights stay open long into the evening. So, hop on the Market–Frankford line, hop off at 11th, and head to 10th and Arch to be in the thick of it. It’s time for a treat.

Stay on 10th and walk up to Race Street for dinner at Chinatown landmark David’s Mai Lai Wah (1001 Race Street). David’s is perfect for both those unfamiliar with Chinese cuisine and those who know their way through a good Sichuan hotpot. David’s serves up good, greasy American–style (and Chinese–style!) Chinese food, from General Tso’s to Mapo Tofu. However, it's fried dumplings ($5.50), served with a ginger dressing, which separate David’s from the rest of the pack. Pick up some of these delicious morsels alongside a plate of gooey, crunchy chao mian ($7.95) or salt and pepper wings ($6.50). You won’t be disappointed, although do note that during peak hours (the early evening and the late, late night) the service can significantly slow down. Will Smith once dined with

David himself, so the wait must be worth it.

After dinner, head west on Race to Hop Sing Laundromat (1029 Race Street), located behind a nondescript door with a buzzer next to it. Ring the buzzer, but be warned—the bar maintains a strict dress code.

Don’t wear sneakers, sandals, shorts or a hoodie and you should be fine. Inside you’ll find a finely crafted (if somewhat precious and pretentious) experience crafted by the proprietor, Mr. Lee, who may even open the door and appraise your outfit himself. The cocktails on the menu are nothing short of amazing, made with liquor significantly above the top shelf Smirnoff and Jack to which Penn students are accustomed. Most drinks run between $12 and $14, and the bar is cash– only, so come prepared. Try the Saigon Flip ($14), a delicious, creamy concoction of rum, condensed milk and egg yolk finished with club soda. For a sweeter, more decadent option, try the Boston Healer ($12), which consists of espresso, whiskey and cream, among other ingredients. Mr. Lee crafts everything at Hop

CONTINUOUS CRAB LEGS

Sing himself, so every cocktail is worth a try and brings something different to the table.

Finally, walk back down 10th towards Arch and stop

by Tea–Do (132 N. 10th Street), arguably the best bubble tea place on the street. Tea–Do serves up both hot and cold bubble tea, along with a slew of different apps. If you’re in the mood for a snack, try the onigiri ($2.50) or the takoyaki (octopus balls, $3.50), both authentic and perfectly portioned for an afternoon pit stop. Of course, Tea–Do’s bubble tea deserves far more attention: each cup, regardless of style, is made to order. Flavors range from the winter–friendly hot Japanese matcha ($3) to the Fire Dragon ($3), a cold drink made with red bean, milk, grass jelly and tapioca. If you’re drunk, sip your bubble tea and play a few rounds of Jenga. If you’re sober, sip your bubble tea and play a few rounds of Jenga. Most importantly, just don’t leave Tea–Do without playing Jenga, no matter what time of day. The childlike wonder of watching blocks tumble down will never get old.

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“Love Letters," Steve Powers Market Street from 45th—63rd Steve Powers’ Crayola alphabet is the visual equivalent of M&Ms: simple but sweet. These five–foot tall letters remind us that love is big and we are small.

“Seasons” (“Winter” & “Autumn” shown), David Guinn 629 South 9th, 10th & Bainbridge, 13th & Pine, 235 Queen Streets Walking around a couple of blocks downtown, you can see all four seasons in a few minutes. Feels like February in Philadelphia.

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ARTS

DISPATCH: “LOVE LETTER,” A SERIES OF MURALS BY STEVE POWERS

In conjunction with the City of Philadelphia Mural Arts Program, “Love Letter” is a series of 50 rooftop murals created by Steve Powers and completed in 2010. The tour follows the Market–Frankford SEPTA line, along which the murals appear from 45th Street to 63rd Street.

12:46 p.m.: The tour starts at 1 p.m., but I’m supposed to arrive 15 minutes in advance at the Mural Arts gallery in Center City. I’m late and I’m lost inside of a giant building surrounded

by Footlocker, Burlington Coat Factory and soft pretzel stands.

WHERE IS THIS PLACE???

1:03 p.m.: Found it. Got my token for the subway and didn’t receive too many eye–rolls from the group. Speaking of the group, this is a strange collection, full of half–bearded hipsters with thick–rimmed glasses and tourists with transition lenses (people still wear those?).

1:20 p.m.: The subway snakes out from the tunnel and into the daylight and we get our first glimpse at a mural. The series is intended to be a love letter from the artist to a girl who rides the train. Powers, a West Philly native, often incorporates the physical building’s use into his design. For example, the mural pictured above is on the side of a camera shop.

1:30 p.m.: We get off at 52nd Street and move along the platform to admire the murals at this particular stop. Cue dirty looks from the people who actually live here and are waiting for the train. According to the guide, a curly–haired woman

Tours run April–December Saturdays at 10:30AM; Sundays at 1:00PM; Tours depart from Mural Arts at The Gallery, 901 Market Street, Level 2

with a thick Philly accent, the Mural Arts Program started as an anti–graffiti movement.

Over the past 30 years, the M.A.P. has been responsible for over 4,000 murals in Philadelphia. Philadelphia: known for ‘murica, cheesesteaks, Rocky and fancy street art.

1:44 p.m.: Next stop, 63rd Street. A fuzzy–faced dude asks a question about the medium, commencing a long–winded discussion about paint that I can’t follow. Oil based, polyurethane, acrylic...what? Apparently most of the murals in “Love Letter” were made using spray paint. Take that, Philadelphia Anti–Graffiti Network.

1:57 p.m.: We cross to the other side of the platform and head back eastward, with one more stop at 56th Street.

The guide explains how Powers received a Fulbright scholarship in 2007 to create a similar collection in the housing projects of Dublin, Ireland and Belfast, Northern Ireland.

2:16 p.m.: As we hop back on the train with our tour complete, the guide reiterates Steve Powers’ message about “Love Letter;” it is a message for one, with meaning for all.

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ARTS

PRICE TAGGING, TAKING A STANCE ON GRAFFITI

Philadelphia is the birthplace of graffiti in the United States. As a teenager in the sixties, Darryl McCray, known as “Cornbread,” began using the city as his canvas. He tagged billboards, trains, buildings, a live elephant at the Philadelphia Zoo and the side of the Jackson 5’s private jet. Before him, the word “graffiti” didn’t even exist. He tagged to establish himself in the city—to establish a sense of ownership and place. The works promoted discussions relating to expression and the right to the city. He inspired countless others and kick–started an explosive international art movement.

More than fifty years later, Philadelphia has traded “graffiti capital of the world” for “mural capital of the world.” The streets of Center City, once decorated with graffiti, have been scrubbed clean and “beautified.” Now street graffiti is seen mostly in marginalized areas and abandoned lots. The art form is deemed unsightly for the city’s economic center.

Ironically, the anarchical and subversive reputation of graffiti has been used to make privately owned spaces “hip.” Essentially, the appropriating art form is itself being appropriated. Go to the Graffiti Bar downtown and you’ll find creative types in flannel having post–work drinks (not that I’m knocking the $2 Satay Happy Hour). These rebel consumers adopt the language and aesthetics, but not the politics, of counterculture. They individualize themselves by buying the “right” products at the “right” places.

Are spray–paint artists excluding themselves and exploiting the roots of their art by creating these elitist commercial spaces?

Similarly, every year, freshmen, sophomores and a few token upperclassmen swarm to Castle for their “Graffiti Party.” Fitting, as Castle really is a *hub of counterculture* on campus, an exemplification of the meaning behind graffiti.

Arguably, today’s “subculture” is too self–involved and self–denying to contribute to substantial cultural evolution. Cornbread’s war paint in a socioeconomic battleground is exploited to design empty authenticity. If this is the case, what is the future for the art form? What is its identity?

CIARA STEIN

Peter Mitropoulos

"Graffiti is about creative expression, taking what you have on your mind and converting it into a form of art."

Check out the rest of the interview with Peter Mitropoulos at 34st.com!

REVIEW: BEYOND THE PAINT AT PAFA In conjunction with the Mural Arts Program’s 30th anniversary, the Philadelphia Academy of the Fine Arts welcomes a historical exhibition on mural arts in the city. PAFA will show a few pieces of original art alongside descriptions of murals past in the Fisher Brooks Gallery of the Hamilton Building. The show, which runs through April 6, will also feature an interactive space where Philadelphia mural artists will teach the public about the different stages of mural planning during museum hours.

It's tough to make an exhibition like this because it’s impossible to show off the famous murals from around the city as they exist in space. For the most part, the exhibition features photographs of famous Philadelphia murals and a couple examples of original art. Mural artist Ernel Martinez displays a paper–mache dining room set (complete with cups and plates) as a part of his “A Place to Call Home” series, and a combination of Philadelphia graffiti artists show off a new “Graffiti Installation” sprayed straight on to the walls of the gallery.

Since they couldn’t bring the murals to the gallery, PAFA settled instead on making the exhibition more of a historical walkthrough of the landscape of murals in the city. The walls are edged with timelines and maps of the city, and instead of showing you the art itself, they tell you where you have to go to find it. PAFA is a notorious school field trip destination, and the literature about the exhibition reinforces that reputation. The wall text is less informative about the art than I would have liked (i.e. “Mural Arts often explores themes of identity in its work—of individuals, communities, neighborhoods and the city”) and the show includes multiple activities for kids.

There is nothing wrong with educating the people of Philly about their unique identity in the art world, but what’s great about murals is the fact that they are not in museums. They interact with a place, a neighborhood, a people. Sometimes the colors fade and the walls get dirty, but each mural is a part of the landscape of urban life, and that’s what makes them special.

PAFA Beyond the Paint: November 15, 2013 - April 6, 2014

Tuesday—Saturday: 10 a.m.–5 p.m.

Sunday*: 11 a.m.–5 p.m. *Free admission on Sundays

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LOWBROW

PENN

A TEXT CONVO WITH 246-39 (UPENN ALERT)

A male Penn student, 20, of Harrison College House, was arrested during a violent altercation Feb. 20 on Locust Walk. A student refused to make eye contact with him as he flyered for his a capella show.

246-39

POLICE BLOTTER

A female Penn student, 19, of Kappa Alpha Theta sorority, was arrested at Hill College House Feb. 21 for breaking and entering. An RA walked in on her covering a resident’s bed with a mixture of glitter and Theos swag.

A male Penn student, 18, of Riepe College House, was arrested Feb. 19 and taken in for questioning after his roommate found the many literal skeletons in his closet.

Lowbrow takes on crime and safety at Penn.

UPenn Alert: Armed robbery on the 3900 block of Walnut Street. Stay clear of the area until further notice. See www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for details. heyy that’s right by sweetgreen is it still open? i NEED sweetflow so bad rn UPenn Alert: Please stay clear of the area until further notice. Go to www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for details. but like rly can u just lemme know if sweetgreen is open? thx!

A female Penn student, 18, of Ware College House, was arrested Feb. 24 for disorderly conduct after claiming she had alcohol poisoning from drinking too much O’Douls and tonic water.

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UPenn Alert: Police are on the scene. Check out www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for details. i’m a block away now can i go? or is there like serious crime tape and stuff? was someone shot???? omg UPenn Alert: To talk to a public safety representative online, visit www.publicsafety.upenn.edu.

Ooo my b! but can you just tell me if they’re serving dark chocolate sweetflow still?

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UPenn Alert: Sweetgreen is out of dark chocolate sweetflow. Stop fucking replying to this number.

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UPenn Alert: As a matter of fact, Sweetgreen is shut down. The armed robber stole the sweetflow machine and all of the mesclun.

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2 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 27 , 2 01 4

UPenn Alert: You may resume normal activity. See www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for additional details.

But you can't reach us by blue light.

We're not DPS. We made all of this up & we can't protect you.

episode of 30 Rock airs. This makes sense. We Penn students are too busy procrastinating on Penn InTouch and designLOWBROW ing funny lacrosse pinnies for the clubs we’re involved in to leave the comfort of our beds to

BY THE NUMBERS:

23 -1 6 0

PCs stolen last academic year on campus (Ed note: one student actually donated her PC to Computer Connection. They declined.):

Average number of times the fire alarm goes off in TEP every week because someone “burned something”: Number of times that something was food:

34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

MacBook Pros stolen last academic year on campus:

10

Ramen noodles aren’t that bad, I guess.

The average Penn student (who is anything but average, if you ask Amy Gutmann) watch*Students surveyed were allowed to choose more than one option.

0

entertainment accessible and inexpensive to anyone with an AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t

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8

Number of fake IDs seized

by Smokes’ to date:

652

Number of fake IDs seized by Blarney to date:

2

CONVERSATION STARTERS FOR YOUR PENN WALK HOME

For those terrifying 9 p.m. walks from VP to the Quad, there’s always Penn Walk. But what should you talk about? Let Lowbrow help you out.

1. Summering in Martha’s Vineyard or Nantucket: pro– con–pro 2. How disgusting is Chardonnay?

3. That time you went to the liquor store on 49th and Baltimore

4. Staying within your $1000 budget for Big–Little week 5. The disgusting news that Juicy tracksuits are going to be sold at Kohl’s 6. Your favorite Starr restaurant? Or are you more of a Garces person?

Ed. Note: Check yo privilege, Penn F E B R U A R Y 27 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 3

es seven m every semes tic proves t to watch sa than at the tional $20 of popcorn not include tions). The ing seven m less than 30 many conv paid service ing interru buffering an immunity and most im ing to wai watching 72 on Megavid Not to m price to pa the big pictu savings of students wh services rath movie theat tween $196 depending Netflix or i Moral of th judge if you

*A simp of 100 Pen surveyed to their film v

Penn students share their beliefs on God, religion and mac 'n cheese's role as a spiritual entity

“I have a strong Catholic faith and it guides many of my life decisions and is the foundation for my value system.”

Nursing Sophomore, female

“I was baptized Roman Catholic, but did not grow up religiously, and I am not sure if I believe in God or not.”

College sophomore, female

“I believe in God, I've always and probably always will.”

Wharton junior, female

“I'm a Hindjew.”

Engineering sophomore, male

“I grew up in a Christian household and went to church, but I have questioned religion from an early age and have now become nonreligious.”

Wharton sophomore, male

“I was raised Jewish and observe the high holidays; I appreciate what it means to be a Jew and hope to raise my children in a similar manner as my parents did for my brother and me.”

College junior, female

“Agnostic—I'm bad at making decisions.”

College junior, female

“I was raised a Catholic and I believe in God—but I don't always agree with the Catholic Church and probably will convert (to another another form of Christianity).”

Wharton sophomore, female

“I was raised as reform Jew, but find myself more drawn to the tradition rather than the spirituality of the religion.”

Engineering sophomore, male

“I believe in Mountains, Trees and Mac 'n Cheese. Also maybe Buddhism.”

College sophomore, male

WHERE TO WORSHIP OFF CAMPUS

Mosque: United Muslim Masjid, 810 S. 15th Street Synagogue (with Orthodox services): Mekor Habracha, 2000 Chestnut St. Catholic Church: St John the Evangelist Church, 21 S 13th St Buddhist Temple: Amitayus Kadampa Buddhist Center, 1102 Pine St Unitarian Church: First Unitarian Church of Philadelphia, 2125 Chestnut St