December 6, 2012

December 6, 2012 34st.com

SPECIAL EDITION SENIOR SUPERLATIVES PULLOUT INSIDE!

december 6 2012

3 HIGHBROW

PETE HESS

Senior superlatives

the roundup, word on the pete, overheards, dispatch

4 EGO

ego of the week: pete

6 FOOD

pete's food diary, pete cooks, pete's favorites

8 FILM

pete's favorite movies, moviemaker profile, pete's life milestones through film

SENIOR SUPERLATIVES 10 MUSIC pete's itunes

12 ARTS

artist profile, diy pete shrine, room decor

14 LOWBROW

pete in history, pete norris jokes

34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

16 BACKPAGE

2

stalker street

seenyuh supes

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FROMtheEDITOR

It all started a few weeks ago.

We sat in our windowless office, brainstorming joke issue ideas to add some light to our rain–sodden existences.

"What if we made the entire thing about one person — a real person?" a dejected voice hopelessly flung into the atmosphere. "May as well," was the gloomy response.

And so we embarked on a search for a "Pete" (rhymes with Street, get it?) and settled on the 34th Pete in the Penn directory: Peter Hess.

We were young and foolish then.

How could we have anticipated what happened next?

Pete arrived in our lives and drove a wrecking ball through the drab walls of our colorless office. He threw everything we knew about ourselves and each other up in the air and shot it like a clay pigeon.

What makes Pete so special, you ask? Read on and find out for yourself.

Pete, you make us want to give it all up: throw this arts and culture shit to the dogs. You are our art.

You are our culture.

We think you're great. Drink come with us. Uhhh. We mean, come drink with us.

PETE HESS The Trap Jess Marder Teddy Guenin Bethany Christy Ishmam Ahmed Lauren Greenberg Olivia Fingerhood Margot Halpern David Baker Ariela Osuna Marley Coyne Emily Brill Mimi Solmssen Manola Gonzalez Jesse Dubois Lois Dankwa Lena Backe Emily Marcus

Ryan Zahalka Alyssa Berlin Kimberly Schreiber Jack LaViolette Emma Silverman Nicole Malick Allie Bienenstock Hanna Kereszturi Michelle Ma Kitten Cutletz Minji Kwak Fiona Glisson Katarina Underwood Daniel Felsenthal Andrew Scibelli Olivia Rutigliano Shelby Rachleff Alexander Wissman Kelly Lawler

Kaitlyn Levesque Jack Nessman Gabby Abramowitz Michael Shostek Nadine Zylberberg Stephen Morgenstern Barunie Kim Jonathan Wilson Isaac Louis Garcia Benjamin Behrend Daniel Maher Tank Becker–Yu Madeleine Wattenbarger Brenda Wang Shayla Cole Ryan Zahalka Sophia Feinberg Erich Kessel Kaitlyn Levesque

Benjamin Behrend Ciara Stein Senior Superlatives Stevie Potato Mr. Bui Sally Katz Janine Bagel–Bites Andy Waldman Missy Elliott Sarah's Parents Thomas Jansen Grace Ambrose Tim Corrigan Marcia Ferguson Nicole Ripka Elena Gooray Brette Warshaw Anthony Janocko Bean

No but actually. Come to Smokes at 6:30. We'll be there. We'll buy you a drank.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Elizabeth Horkley, Most Moral Joe Pinsker, Least Moral Adrian Franco, Best Dad Hilary Miller, Best Mom Chloe Bower, Best Chlojobs Sarah Tse, Sparkliest Personality Laura Francis, Loudest Inna Kofman, Naiboleye Rossii Stephanie Witt, Cutest Paige Rubin, Hair Most Full of Secrets Zacchiaus Mckee, ~*PrEtTiEsT*~ Patrick Ford–Matz, Most Calming Presence Sandra Rubinchik, Biggest Personality

Katie Giarla, Sweetest Patrick Del Valle, He Had the Worst Day Today Guys Isabel Oliveres, Spiciest Abigail Koffler, Bubbliest Alex Hosenball, Spammiest Ben Bernstein, Best Juicer Kiley Bense, Reddest Ben Lerner, Most Likely to Have Already Seen That Samantha Apfel, Most Likely to Make a Sex Joke Megan Ruben, Teensiest Eillie Anzilotti, Indie–est Faryn Pearl, Overall Best Lizzie Sivitz, Best Spy Cam Colette Bloom, Friendliest Zeke Sexauer, Totally Deserved Hottest

Julia Liebergall, Most Likely to Talk Up Copy Mariam Mahbob, Best Grammar Cop(y) Amanda Shulman, Most Likely to Bake us a Cake Ian Bussard, Most Likely to Have a Cult Following Cover Design: Chloe "The Child" Bower Contributors: Lauren Greenberg, Madeleine Wattenbarger, Ariela Osuna, Margot Halpern, Olivia Fingerhood, David Baker, Emily Brill, Ian Bussard, Brenda Wang, Kelly Lawler, Kaitlyn Levesque, Isaac Louis Garcia, Gabby Abramowitz, Shelby Rachleff, Michelle Ma, Lois Dankwa, Jack LaViolette, Eesha Sardesai, Emily Marcus, Kimberly Schreiber, Ryan Zahalka, Ciara Stein, Shayla Cole

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Elizabeth Horkley, Editor–in–Chief, at horkley@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898–6585.

To place an ad, call (215) 898–6581.

VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "Goodbye Street." ©2012 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a–okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

wordonthepete

DISPATCH: FOLLOWING MY SWEET PETE 9:00 a.m.: I wake up and I feel it — today’s the day. I know Pete will notice me today.

9:09 a.m.: I shower and get dressed. I should wear something blue. It’s his favorite color.

9:16 a.m.: My Wednesday morning ritual is interrupted by a phone call from my therapist. I ignore it.

9:40 a.m.: Pete leaves his room every week at this time; I wait outside hoping he’ll see me.

9:41 a.m.: Dammit, he’s with a friend. Bitch! Why does she get to talk to him? I bet she doesn’t even know his middle name or high school locker combination. Does she love him better than I can?

10:35 a.m.: Pete’s in class. I miss Pete.

10:51 a.m.: Pete leaves class. That’s my cue. I’m right over here, why can’t you see me?

10:59 a.m.: Pete stops in Houston for some sushi. Oh, if only I could be that California roll! To touch those lips would be so heavenly.

11:06 a.m.: I watch as he makes his way back to his room. I’m giving it my all, but I’m not the girl, you’re taking home.

12:37 p.m.: Pete still has not emerged.

12:50 p.m.: Finally. I follow Pete to his philosophy class in Meyerson. This is my moment.

1:49 p.m.: Pete begins walking back to Rodin. I wave my arms to get him to see me.

1:52 p.m.: He glances in my direction! It might have been the squirrel fight going on behind me, but I bet it was for me.

1:59 p.m.: He enters the building. I watch as the light goes on in his window.

3:03 p.m.: I’ll wait here. He could still come out.

6:15 p.m.: It starts to rain. It’s okay; my love for Pete will keep me warm.

11:43 p.m.: I watch the light in his window go out. I reluctantly walk home. Maybe next week he’ll notice me. I keep dancing on my own.

THEROUNDUP

over heard PENN at

Pete ordering food: Can I get sweet and sour and soy sauce with that?

Pete: Yeah, I have a final on the 18th.

Pete's friend: You look nice today. Did you have an interview?

Pete on the phone: Ok… I know… I love you too.

Some bitch: Pete, do you wanna come over tonight and watch a movie?

Pete: [sneezes] Guy: Are you going to that party tonight?

Pete: Yeah.

BY PETER HESS

I don’t know. Have you ever had that feeling that you’re being watched? Like, someone’s following you, or every time you turn around someone just looked away? It’s strange, but that’s how I’ve felt for the past few weeks. At first I thought it was flattering. Maybe I had a secret admirer? And who doesn’t like it when people seem to start noticing you more? It’s a big boost to your confidence. I was walking taller, a skip in my step, a smile on my lips, but still, it seemed a bit odd to me.

It started off simply enough: people would wave and say hi to me on Locust, people I didn’t even know. I thought they were just being friendly or had mistaken me for someone else, but sometimes they would address me by name. “Hey Pete, how’s it going?” “Uh, fine, I guess. I’m sorry, do I know you?” I mean, once or twice might be normal, but this was happening over and over again. I was really getting confused, but didn’t think much of it.

And that’s when the gifts started. One day I went back to my room and there was a tiny chess piece keychain sitting outside my door with a note addressed to me: “A King for my King. XOXO.” I still don’t know who put it there. Other things too: movies, a sports jersey — they would just show up in my hall sometimes, each with a different note, each in different handwriting. I was really starting to get freaked out. I was being Punk’d, right?

Apparently not. In class, there would be notes written on the desks I usually sat in. “Pete is 2 cute!” “I heart Pete.” “Marry me, Pete.” One time, I saw a dark–haired artsy girl taking pictures of me after class. I had finally had enough when an outspoken blonde girl and a Spanish–speaking senorita started giggling at me when we were in an elevator together. “What is it?! Why are you laughing? What do you people want?!” They just laughed and got off at their floor.

Maybe all this attention isn’t bad? Was I the new king bee? Penn can be cliquey, but I never thought of myself as one of those people that everyone knows. I think I’ll take my newfound attention in stride. Being one of the most sought–after people on campus is great! Parties open to me, compliments fall at my feet. It’s exhausting.

34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

Finals are almost upon us, beautiful readers. Before we all lock ourselves away in Van Pelt, let’s celebrate our last week of classes with your weekly Pete gossip.

SPOTTED: Highbrow hears that Pete was quite the admirer of culture this week, SABS–ing at the STIM show "A Year with Frog and Toad" and the Pennsori concert. A tipster tells us he described them as "awesome."

Anna Wintour, watch your back — looks like Pete is the new front row show personality.

Talk about a good friend! Pete was seen acting the part of wingman at the Sigma Chi party this weekend, helping two friends by giving some encouraging advice like, “when you’re single, you mingle" — wise words from an even wiser mind. Apparently, Pete even took one for the team by being a coat–rack while his friends hit the dance floor. "Selfless" should be spelled P–E–T–E. Are you ready for some football?! Or should we say, is football ready for some Pete? Allegedly, our favorite Sports Quotient contributor spent his afternoons watching some good old American gridiron, both college and NFL. We hear Pete is a diehard New York Jets fan, so when the Jets won, we were happy. Just knowing that Pete was out there somewhere experiencing joy warmed the cockles of our hearts.

Isn't it just super boring to do chores? Yeah, it is when you do them. But Pete makes the mundane look insane, and for him, simple household duties like doing the dishes and taking out the trash become feats of extraordinary grace and charm. Pete was spotted toting a simple yet elegant black garbage bag, dragging it just enough to look casual but not so much that it scraped against the pavement and tore the bag.

But Saturday night is when things really got juicy. By that, we mean Pete got dinner at Pattaya. Sorry, readers, but those are all the details we have. Yet, there's so much intriguing mystery here. What did Pete order? Pad Thai?

Some kind of curry? Was it spicy? Does Pete like it spicy? What did he drink to wash the burn from his precious tongue? These are questions that will continue to haunt us until we get answers.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATCHING ME

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

HIGHBROW

3

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: PETER HESS

Street: What’s your deal on campus?

Peter Hess: I’m an editor and writer for The Sports Quotient, a sports blog my friends and I started. I’m a co-host on WQHS radio’s "The Zone," where we talk all things sports.

Also, I’m in the chess club.

Street: If you were a piece on a chessboard, which would you be?

PH: A knight. They are sneaky and crafty, moving in all different directions. Better watch out for them, or else they can cause a lot of damage.

Street: What advice would you give freshman Pete?

PH: You got to risk it to get the biscuit.

Street: Who’s your alter ego?

PH: Spiderman. I always want to help my friends and others, both openly or behind the scenes. It's not about getting recognition, but feeling good that you could help someone out.

Street: What’s your deepest, darkest secret?

PH: People think I’m so nice but sometimes my anger can get the best of me. You need equilibrium with your emotions.

Street: Which Disney princess are you?

PH: I am Belle. Not only would I make the same decision that she made to save a family member — or even a friend — but I also try to see the best in people. I can speak a bit of French, too.

Street: If you could have a superpower what would it be?

PH: Super speed. You could travel the world or even sleep in without the worry of rushing to class.

Street: When did you lose your first baby tooth?

PH: Such a long time ago.

Street: Which of your parents do you love more?

PH: I would say I love my par-

ents equally. I have different relationships with each of my parents. My dad, I would talk about sports, about current events things, but my mom, if I have problems, I go to her.

Street: Why did the chicken cross the road?

PH: It should be going to the farm. I don’t even know why there are roads there.

Street: Is all fair in love and war?

PH: No, not at all.

Street: Describe your first kiss.

PH: It was on this girl’s bed, lights off — it was right after a first date. It lasted for much longer.

Street: Cats or dogs?

PH: Dogs. I hate cats. They are sneaky creatures that scratch you. Dogs are awesome. They just sometimes get too close to me in the wrong places.

The one. The only.

Street: What do you want to be when you grow up?

PH: General manager of the New York Jets, or any sports team. It’s so hard to do, but that would be my dream job. I love sports. It’s almost like video games come to life.

Street: If you were a woman, how long would your hair be and how would you style it?

PH: Past the shoulders.

I would probably put it in a ponytail.

Street: How you would cover up a murder?

PH: Dispose of the body. Chop it up in pieces and put it

out to sea. I’ve never done that before, just to be clear.

Street: How often do you shower?

PH: At least once a day. More if I work out.

Street: Describe your ideal girl.

PH: Smart, funny, likes my humor, brunette, has similar interests as me yet different so that we can learn things about each other because we always have new conversations. Someone who likes sports a little bit because I’m a huge sports nut.

Street: Is there anything you want to add?

PH: Ladies, I’m single.

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34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

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34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

"[PETE'S] LIFE IS A HIGHWAY" -RASCALL FLATTS

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34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

"I know this email is late, but I hope you’ll be understanding. Like Peter is. I’m always late, but he always is understand"He was incredible when this guy Richard started having a seizure during one of our labs. He you ever are lucky enough to meet polled you to fion ndhis out how youing. areIfgetting your Sunday afternoon got a backpack to use as a headrest, tilted the dude`s head toFilm the side and like pressed Peter, make sure you get him to rap for you. body to minimize convulsions. After Richard settled down and we asked howHere’s he knewwhat what to

BY ANTHONY movie fixes. we learned.Ladies, watch out,KHAYKIN he’s comin’ for you!" do, he said he saw it on TV." —Michael Gellman, Pete's High School Classmate —Zachary Pete's Friend hough we all know the watch Hugo in theaters.

AndWeiner, we you guess then that Penn stuInternet is for porn fit this mold of overworked Ivy dents would prefer to get their (thanks Avenue Q), the League students well, with only RomCom fix online with free bedroom is no longer the only about 17% of Penn undergrads streaming websites like SideReel "Peter Hesstoisdigital probably person I know. was this time,rather after than getting "Peter is like Ted: a big fluffy teddy bear on the outside, but area being ceded terri-the wisest watching movies at theThere Rave evandone Ch131 pay for back to our suite in Hill late Saturday night.

Peter was hunched over on the couch an asshole on the inside. I’d tell the ladies not to be fooled. His tory. For every girl with daddy’s ery semester. services provided by with Netflix and the bowl we allbrowsing use exclusively throwing up in. suggested eat some Wheat Thins, moral compass seems to be perfectly aligned, but if you talk to AmEx, window on forBut how about theI other ste- heRedbox? because 1) there was a box of Wheat Thins next to us and 2) Wheat Thins areofdelicious. him long enough you discover what he really stands for. Ok Fifth Avenue has been replaced reotype, the one that says all colWhile 75% us watch movPeter lifted his head out of the bowl, turned to me and said, confusedly, “Wheat At for maybe I’m exaggerating…a little. He’s an awesome guy! If with online shopping. And lege students are poor? The free ies online, nearly Thins?

50% pay this hour?”

How could I be so stupid?

Wheat Thins should never be eaten after midnight. there are any girls out there looking for your “not–so–typical” FYEs everywhere have virtu- movement of information made it. I hear Horrible Bosses — a you, Peter Hess,(pun for your invaluable Pete's guy, he’s the one. The quickest way to his heart is a package of allyThank been rendered useless possible by thewisdom." interweb—Chase makes Harrow, new release onFried iTunes — is hysOreos. Just tell him to stay away from my bed when he's doing intended) with the existence of terical, but is the deed." —Taylor Culliver, Pete's Roommate Whose recommendations do you take? the multifarious iTunes store. it worth the 50 Things are no different here 1.5 salads at 47.7% "Peter was one of my first friends here at Penn and is now one of my roommates.

If I had Other at Penn, where the Rave gets Sweetgreen 40% to describe Peter in three words: selfl 40 ess, genuine and loyal. For these reasons, A Friend Peter makes a "I first met Peter Hess on my hall in Hill during nearly half the traffic for the it would great roommate and friend. Furthermore, he has been generously sharingCinema soapStudies with all of the freshman year. At first I remember that he was very midnight screenings of blockhave cost if 30 Major 26.2% roommates this year. What a great roomie.

25% 25% quiet and kind of standoffish, but as we hung out more buster hits like Twilight as Hulu I had seen it Professor or TA This Halloween, Peter and I dressed up as Mario and Luigi, respectively. Peter makes a 20 he quickly transformed into the weird and hilarious does the day after the newest in theaters? great Mario for several reasons: A) Mario is a plumber, and Peter showedStreet me how to fix the person that I am proud to call my friend. There are so episode of 30 Rock airs. This Ramen noo10 *Students surveyed were toilet when it wasn’t flushing properly; B) Peter, a hopeless romantic, allowed is onto achoose quest to save more many things that I can say that could embarrass him, makes sense. We Penn students dles aren’t thanis onethe option.protagonist of girls from bad guys (just like Mario 0saves Peach from Bowser); C) Peter but I’m going to try to be nice because I want him to are too busy procrastinating that bad, I our friend group. still be my friend after this gets published. The one on Penn InTouch and designguess.

Also, Peter and I are on the same page when it comes to failing miserably at karaoke. We quality that Peter Hess possesses that I have always ing funny lacrosse pinnies for entertainment accessible and The average Penn student sang 'Whip It' by Devo and were booed off stage." —Alex Dinsmoor, Pete's Roommate found admirable and at times a little silly is his extreme the clubs we’re involved in to inexpensive to anyone with an (who is anything but average, if sense of selflessness. He is the type of person that will leave the comfort of our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watchgive up his bed to anyone that wants it and sleep on a lumpy, uncomfortable couch instead. He is the type of person who thinks of everyone else’s feelings before considering his own. Sometimes I don’t understand it, and it often makes him the target of criticism and nagging from other friends who think they know what is best for him, but at the end of the day that is Peter Hess and everybody loves him for it or in spite of it.

Another huge plus of being friends with Peter is getting to eat all the amazing snacks that his mom sends to him…I had no idea what I was missing before I started eating Kudos bars. Seriously, he is pretty much the reason that I haven’t starved so far during my time as a meal plan–less student." —Virginia Schieck, Pete's Friend

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

PETE TESTIMONIALS DO YOU PAY PER VIEW? 34

*A simple of 100 Penn surveyed to c 5 their film vie

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FOOD&DRINK te ith Pe eferably in w s e r k st, p Panca breakfa

BON APPÉPETE!

orite te’s fav e P e r a Prep chen. k) rise kit Bisquic a high nts: y b s r a e ie Ingred Mix (Pete sw e p k back u a r c y n s •Pa on the te r or s e t n t o i u t b c e t e •Peanu all of the dir our batter. P y atch te Follow to crea ncakes after w how x o b of the ow to flip pa He learned h oks x. learned ommate Ale res nervous co o r u s ing his he flip and as ith t cakes w ter. n a to time rest is easy.” p s i but e ps h that “th ovice chef to imes, peanut peanut t n e g i Our or, som ut he is a b syrup e l zy, b p a m it’s cra s w o n He k fan. butter o j En y!

COOKING WITH PETE:

Move over, Julia Child

– As for th e pasta, Pe te urges yo make like u Nike and “just cook to it.”

– When no his own d t at BBP, he ma kes elicious b urge roommate (Alex, the rs with his one with flipping sk the ills egg to the ). The twist? Add an meat — y ou'll love texture! the

EAT LIKE PETE Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

MORNING: Have a couple of S'mores Pop Tarts, but don’t get too cocky: there’s a reason Pete's friends call him the “Pop Tart King." Finish off breakfast with a bowl of Honey Nut Scooters with 1% milk, cause Honey–Nut Cheerios are so mainstream.

LUNCH: Head to Houston Market! Grab

34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

a California roll from the Sushi Bar (President Amy G's favorite!) or, if the line isn’t too long, make yourself a salad with all of the toppings. You can bursar it, we won’t tell (just don’t steal Pete’s PennCard).

6

DINNER: Go to Sitar India for a buffet of delicious Indian food. Pete calls himself "a bit obsessed" with this South Asian hotspot.

You may just meet eyes with him over a platter of chicken tikka masala.

DESSERT: Before bed, make a FroGro run and pick up some tubs of Stone Ridge ice cream. Cheap and delicious, Cookies and Cream is Pete’s favorite, with Cookie Dough–Brownie coming in at a close second. But if you really want to eat like Pete, you have to pick up a tub of Mint (the ickiest) just for your roommates who love it, cause you’re nice like that.

Pete’s P as Burger ta and Dinner

Pete's favorite campus eateries, based on our observation of his eating habits.

BURGER: BBP

What to get: Miami Burger.

Pressed with ham and Swiss and topped with pickles, mustard and mayo, it’s no wonder he never orders anything else.

BURRITO: CHIPOTLE

SOUP: QDOBA

What to get: Steak burrito with vegetables, pinto beans, white rice, cheese, lettuce and roasted chili–corn salsa. His choice of salsa may be wild, but something tells us Pete knows how to get wild.

ICE CREAM: BEN AND JERRY’S

What to get: Mexican gumbo with nachos. Sure, Pete’s also a fan of the Fajita Ranchera burrito, but at Chipotle’s less–esteemed cousin he takes advantage of the chance to mix it up with this spicy tortilla soup with cilantro– lime rice and black beans.

What to get: A waffle cone with a scoop of Half–Baked ice cream. Ice cream makes everything better, and Pete knows that when he wants to indulge, he doesn’t need to go any farther than B&J’s, which is conveniently located across from his Rodin home base.

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

PETE'S PICKS:

PETE BUYS LUNCH AT HOUSTON HALL AND BRINGS IT HOME TO EAT IT.

$2.50 at your local McDonalds "I never like to play second fiddle. But I can smell it on his breath. Ice cream, purchased from FroGro and eaten a few hours ago. I know where he’s been and I know he still wants me. And after all these months, I can’t resist. It’s late. I sit on the counter, condensation dripping down the sides of my cup. He unwraps the straw and sticks it in. He lifts me to his mouth and takes a sip. I wish he wanted me and only me, but alas, since he does not, it's comforting to know he always wants me last."

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34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

CONFESSIONS OF PETE’S M&M MCFLURRY

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FILM

PETE’S FAVE FILMS: CHICK FLICK EDITION

“I like watching the occasional chick flick. Especially Nicholas Sparks films!” Hear that, ladies? Pete Hess has got date night on lock. We had him tell us about some of his fave romantic weepies.

“The Lucky One” We were impressed when Pete name–dropped this Zefron flick, which was just released in April. Dude clearly knows the genre. “I liked seeing the inadvertent reciprocity between Efron and the woman who he falls in love with, as she gives him direction while he saves her from her abusive husband.” Oh, yeah. Kid’s got game.

“The Vow”

“The Last Song”

“Not from Nicholas Sparks, but that’s a good one…” Pete began.

And later: “Channing. Need I say more?”

Critics bashed this Miley Cyrus star–vehicle, her first foray into more “mature” fare. Yet Pete can appreciate the finer points of Cyrus’s acting, along with the presences of Greg Kinnear and huggable romantic lead Liam Hemsworth. As Pete says, “the power of love prevails” — apparently onscreen and off.

“A Walk to Remember”

“P.S. I Love You”

Although Pete admits that the movie is based on a “cliché,” you can’t help but root for the two lovebirds trying to overcome Mandy Moore’s leukemia. They don’t (spoilers!), but that’s okay: “Love can transcend anything,” said Pete. “Even death.” And Switchfoot.

MOVIEMAKER P ROFILE

Pete. Cried.

Need WE say more?

PETE HESS

34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

He may claim to not be involved with acting or filmmaking, but Pete Hess is a cinematic genius.

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“I watch movies with my friends,” the enchanting Pete Hess explains tentatively, sitting in the corner of Commons Starbucks. He prefers sweet and chocolatey snacks to popcorn Lunch Buffet and other salty alternatives. He appreciates the prowess of Mor$8.95 gan Freeman and Matt Damon and has a weakness for Scarlett Dinner Buffet Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp. Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp. Johansson and Emma Stone.

Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp. $11.95 But the answer is a steadfast For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 “No” when asked if he has experience making or starring in any type of film, be it a Holwith this ad lywood work or an 11th grade class project. Upon delving a Expires 12/19/12 Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp. Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp. bit deeper, however, it becomes Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp. clear what an aficionado the one For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 and only Pete Hess truly is.

For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 4004 Chestnut Street or Order Online @ newdelhiweb.com Though he’s nonchalant

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about his experience as a cinematographer, his Android phone is chock full of high–quality short films. These gems, including footage of friends bowling, express his true mastery. Pete, like Alfred Hitchcock, even makes cameos in his own films, including an Oscar–worthy clip of red Solo cup–holding friends dancing and lip–synching to Bowling For Soup’s “1985.”

His onscreen appearances go back to the 1990s –– that’s right, Pete Hess is a former child star! When he was as young as three, Pete was seen “photo– bombing” pictures at his aunt’s wedding. “I guess I’m a trendsetter,” he admits with a shrug.

Perhaps his most iconic role

was as the mouse in his hit live– action elementary school play “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” Pete has clearly inherited his cinematography skills from his devoted parents, who filmed his groundbreaking performance as a rodent.

The mysterious man known as Pete Hess is reluctant to confess to his true status as a moviemaker, but this artist participated in his school choir until sixth grade, when the perils of puberty claimed his majestic singing voice. On– and off– screen, Pete Hess is a force to be reckoned with. You just might have to press him a bit to hear his angelic Adam Sandler impression.

Senior superlatives

The wait is over. We counted your votes. Then we devised a complicated electoral college system and picked some winners. Then we threw out the electoral system because fuck that. It was entirely up to you, the readers. DEMOCRACY. FREEDOM. AMERICA. Anyway, here they are in all their glory, your Class of 2013 Senior Superlatives. They’re not technically Culturally Elite but a) who is? and b) who cares?

Editor’s Note: Feel free to pull out this section and keep it as separate from the magazine. Because in the real world, pulling out is only 75% effective and kind of sucks. In the Street world, it totally works and is totally awesome.

To be [Facebook friends] or not to be? That has never been the question for Hamlet Ureña. If you've ever talked to Hamlet before, you're probably Facebook friends. If you've never talked to him in your life, you're probably still Facebook friends. But actually, Hamlet, thanks for being true to thine own Facebooking self and sharing the link to the Superlatives poll — it helped us achieve near 100% participation from the class!

It’s telling that when Street got in touch with some members of the Nipple to learn more about them, they couldn’t talk because they were all at a flute concert supporting a member of their hall. With yearly spring break trips, shared houses, grouping up to go abroad, and even designing their own frat composite, the crew who once resided in the tip of Fishe r ’s n i p is tighter than a Quad triple.

Originally an off–campus AXO house, the girls dubbed 4038 Spruce "The Bank" because it was filled with dime pieces.

Founded back in 2005, The Bank is now a multihellenic house of 12 besties from 4 different sororities. We think winning Best House on Campus (BHOC) is the perfect excuse for them to throw their next big "panty–poppin' party." We'll be waiting for our invite.

Erin’s reign as queen of the soccer team was reaffirmed when she was recently crowned Mrs. Penn (even without having practiced). But the only thing more impressive than this Friar’s 8–pack abs is her Pre–Med/Visual Studies academic track. At least she has a back–up plan — we just can’t figure out which one it is.

A member of Without a Net and head writer for Mask and Wig, Jonah has a major in Self– Deprecating Humor and a minor in Really Bad Puns. To all those who lost in this category, don't feel bad. Jonah actually has worked at SNL, so he had a leg up on the competition.

This ChiO socialite is more of a fixture at smokes than Joe himself. What’s more impressive? That Katie gets enough free shots from the bartenders to fuel her massive Tri Chi entourage or that she manages to spend enough money to have her mom think Smokey Joe’s is Penn’s newest dining hall? We wish we were kidding.

Although she also could have won "most likely to be pictured on the shoulders of some Owls bro," we think this Miami native is gorgeous inside and out. If you're not lucky enough to see her flawless impersonation of the Grinch, you'll just have to trust us that her personality is as beautiful as the rest of her. Which is pretty darn beautiful, as you can see.

This SDT Mortar Boarder is the sweetest.

No seriously, she’s been known to bake cookies for friends who do her favors. Anyone who’s had the pleasure of being on a listserv with Charlotte can expect messages of positive encouragement and millions of exclamation points. Some day, this pint–size cutiepie is going to be the world’s best Jewish mother.

We’re already jealous of her kids.

When this class prez finally steps into his role as Supreme Overlord of the Universe, you'll be glad you knew him way back when. Jonathan "Every Vowel for Every Voice" Youshaei has been running shit since he got to campus and probably won't stop until he's king of everything.

We're cool with that, though. After he declares Skimmer Fest a universal holiday, the world will truly know peace.

Ugh, these two are so cute it makes us sick. These two lovebirds first met at Convocation, where they sat together as Amy welcomed us as the best and brightest. We, on the other hand, don't even talk to the people we went to Convocation with. As if that wasn't cute enough, this PiKapp bro and his SK sweetheart have a dog together, Tank Becker–Yu.

Even if you don't know Jake (read: even if you haven't seen him eat an entire bag of shredded cheese in one sitting), you know Jake. The Southern drawl (he's from New York), the phone calls about Seniors for the Penn Fund (hide your credit card around him — trust us on this one) and the "Because why not?"s (because why not?) are the trademarks of a character who lies somewhere in the nebulous region between Real Househusband of Penn and, well, not a real person at all. Who knew that a human cocktail of crazy could be so charmingly adorable?

When this curly–haired Tabard–Sphinge cutie isn't singing Obama's praises or sporting a Red Vag(mons) of Courage, you can find her fighting for world peace from her headquarters in a hammock on College Green.

Yep, Isabel's raison d'être is having a raison d'être, but her sweeter–than–Stonyfield disposition is why we love her.

Can't you just see this Hillel president quitting his job to drop everything and retreat to the woods to ponder the meaning of life?

With his long, mountain–man hair, this TEP brother and Sphinx member already looks the part, and is always available for spiritual guidance.

This doe–eyed Elmo–Excelano princess has mastered the subtle art of pairing vintage jumpers with Versace star print jeans and glitter boots. Although the jury's still out on some of Richter's sartorial choices (care to chime in on those corduroys?) the force is clearly strong with this baby.

Call her a cherub with chutzpah, but don't be fooled — cross Sarah in her trademark letterman jacket and you'll have to ask her which outfit goes best with your black eye.

A materials engineer with a banking job all lined up, Max Epelbaum is a textbook Penn genius.

But Max's brilliance isn't obvious when you first meet him. This TEP brother is more of a goofy and sweet frat guy than an in–your–face genius. We wouldn't have it any other way.

Just look at this whiz kid's resume! This AXO bioengineer researched in a cancer lab, studied radiation oncology, and was a TA in a class on technological entrepreneurship.

Besides researching and minoring in a lot of disciplines that we can't even pronounce, Geller also plays club soccer. Brains and brawn? This really isn't fair.

Slow Dance Chubby, we’re proud of you. You’ve graduated from frat party entertainers to bona fide musicians. Your artistic future is bright, but hey, real world jobs are pretty great too, right? Until the day when you’re jamming onstage at the Grammy’s, stay dreamy, boys (and girl).

Although this self–professed “Napoleon Complex of social media” lent her social media talents to the Obama campaign for the better part of this semester, Morgan’s presence could be felt all the way from North Carolina. The creator of #WhatShouldweCallPenn, @momofink has perfected the art of balancing real world news with observational humor and self deprecation on her Twitter feed, Facebook timeline, Instagram profile, LinkedIn, Foursquare, Tumblr…Seriously Morgan, go outside.

The first word that comes to mind when you think of Sophia Stylianos is… Well, it’s different for just about everyone, isn’t it? And that’s exactly the point.

When she’s not acting as the unofficial spokesperson of Bobby's Burger Palace, this sratty Engineering club soccer star defies all classifications and stereotypes, making her the ultimate Pennaissance woman.

P.S. Street saw your Britney Spears video from the final SK chapter — you've got some serious moves as well.

With a nickname like "Fratwohl," it should come as no surprise that Alex is also a sister in the frattiest sorority, plays the frattiest club sport (field hockey), and is a member of the frattiest senior society (Omega). We hear she's going into event planning, so for the right client she may actually be able to suggest beer pong at a work event someday.

Though Harrison spent time hawking iPhones and Macbooks in the Apple Store in his hometown of Boca Raton, this Sphinge will probably have a tech empire of his own one day. A Science, Technology and Society major by day and a Wig saxophonist by night, Harrison is your go–to encyclopedia of all things tech. So if your laptop breaks, you know who to call...

When asked to describe himself in three words, Tommy Yin chooses “second floor Huntsman.” This Wharton dreamboat and senior society staple would not be caught dead east of Steiny–D — his first visit to Van Pelt was this past October.

When he’s not TA–ing MGMT100, Tommy can be found sending 6 a.m. Snapchats or perfecting his "Gangnam Style" dance routine. Even though Tommy is destined to reign over Wall Street, his smile is so infectious that we can almost forgive him his deal with the devil.

When this Beta Sphinge and Excelano prez steps onstage to start a poem, he's positively swoon– worthy. Simo may be an Ultimate– playing frat bro, but this dimpled poet really knows how to tug on the heartstrings.

If you met Manya–Jean Gitter, you're unlikely to have forgotten her fiery red hair and equally flamboyant personality, even after she transferred to Brown. Those who didn't meet her during NSO (but, like, where were you?) soon knew who she was after her "Legally Blonde"–inspired StudGov campaign vid went viral in a way that not even Janocko's Speedo–clad Gangnam Styling could do. (Sorry bro, it's hard to top a girl with a sequin bikini and a fun noodle.)

It would be criminal to exclude this do–everything, happy–go– lucky, knows–everyone senior from this list, because she certainly is the most...something. By joining enough organizations to crash iCal, beloved Beryl has hedged her bets on making it into Street’s year–end list — even if it changed forms on her at the last minute. Look, she was even a good sport about it and let us take her picture!

Moshe Bitterman, whose real name is Baby Boy Bitterman (no joke), has been fighting for the 99 percent since birth. During Occupy Philadelphia, he, his chiseled features and his Jewfro could be seen chanting, protesting, and well...occupying. Bitterman is most likely to occupy Wall Street because there is a 100% chance he already did.

Pete’s a unique guy with many talents. Could one of them be acting? We dreamt about how he’d do in these films and here's what we saw.

MARK ZUCKERBERG “THE SOCIAL NETWORK” Pete already runs a website called “The Sports Quotient” with his friends, which he hopes to take national. Obviously, it’s not much of a jump from there to genius boy– billionaire. We could totes picture him hunched over a keyboard, furiously writing code and shouting at Andrew Garfield about building chairs.

PETER PARKER/SPIDER–MAN “THE AMAZING SPIDER–MAN” Speaking of Andrew Garfield… screw that guy. We think Pete would have made a much more convincing Spidey than the obviously–too–old Garfield. Plus, Pete’s from New York, and he’s already got the name; it’s a match made in heaven. Another perfect match? Pete and future co–star Emma Stone, who just happens to be his biggest celeb crush.

Time to reboot the reboot.

Who's under the mask? Hope it's Pete

LEIGH ANN TUOHY “THE BLIND SIDE” Although we never overhead it, Pete's Southern accent is supposedly to die for. He’s also into sports — his aforementioned website is all about sports commentary — and could definitely bring some of that knowledge to Leigh Ann’s patented football lessons. No one understands the value of a good third–act motivational speech like Pete.

Pete should be on the left

BOBBY FISCHER “SEARCHING FOR BOBBY FISCHER” Pete would do wonders with this role as the unseen titular character who silently shapes and influences the film. Pete himself plays chess, which would add a sense of authenticity to his elusive performance.

Some people for Pete to motivate

Need a finals study break?

Grab a beer from us!

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34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

GOD “BRUCE ALMIGHTY” Obviously.

!

We Deliver

We're still searching for Pete

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

PARTS PETE SHOULD HAVE PLAYED

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highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

LOL

MUSIC

PETE'S BEATS

Getting to know Pete through his top–played iTunes tracks 1. “Fix You”: Coldplay All we want you to do is fix us, Pete.

2. “Somebody That I Used To Know”: Gotye You don’t call anymore…why don’t you call, Pete?

3. “Fuckin Perfect”: P!nk Even so, you’re still fuckin’ perfect, Pete!

4.”Just The Way You Are”: Bruno Mars No matter how badly you screw up, we’ll love you as is.

5. “I Won’t Give Up”: Jason Mraz

34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

Never ever gonna be forever alone, won’t give up on you, Pete…

10

The musical evolution of Peter Hess

AGE 10: Maroon 5

At the tender age of five, Pete was already deeply entranced by the world of music. The world was his oyster, a wide–open door he knew he must soon enter. Of course, with any brave new world comes tragedy, and this is certainly true in Pete’s case — ice cream cones dropped, parental punishments delivered and, of course, the ephemeral nature of love were all on his mind. That’s where N*Sync came in. When Pete first heard the harmonious farewells of “Bye Bye Bye,” he knew all would be well, even the cooties. N*Sync brought him comfort, and the Reverend Justin Timberlake became a role model and guide for Pete. We cried when Britney cheated on him too, Pete.

We did.

No, we ain’t talkin’ no moves like Jagger. At 10, Pete had already started branching out, leaving the classic boy band croons of Timberlake and crew behind and picking up some rocker cred. Really though, it’s all about the heartbreak — Pete needed a pick–me–up, needed to know that he too would be loved. 2002 was a good time (if not the best time) to be a Maroon 5 fan. In those heady days, Pete was in fourth grade and Maroon 5 was still actually a band, instead of a bunch of nameless bearded guys who follow Adam Levine’s cheekbones around.

AGE 15: Lifehouse

AGE 20: Eminem

The rest of us may have forgotten Lifehouse by 2007, but the high school iteration of Pete kept a special place in his heart for this group of Cali balladeers. Those simmering, dreamy eyes. The perfectly highlighted blonde bangs. That music video where the vocalist sings in a train station while a dude who looks vaguely like Dave Grohl stalks a hot chick carrying a suitcase. How could we ever have moved on? Lucky for Pete, Lifehouse is set to release their sixth album next week. Lifehouse groupies, rejoice!

Pete’s music taste took an angry, darker turn in 2012. He picked himself up some Marshall Mathers mixes and started yelling a lot.

While Pete himself has never been embroiled in any kind of domestic abuse scandal (you would never do such a thing, Pete!), Eminem helps Pete de–stress and rid himself of rebellion. The rage, the pyromania, the tying of Rihanna to a bed — it’s the perfect mix for the modern man. Still, we can’t help but wonder if there’s another reason for your love of Eminem, Pete. Who hurt you, Peter? Who hurt you?

34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

AGE 5: N*Sync

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

ROCK OF AGES

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highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

ARTS

WOW, WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT. So, the Mona Lisa is great and all, but you know what would make it even better? Pete’s face.

"The Mona Pete–a"

"Peter" (well, that was easy)

"The Great Pete"

"Pete with a Pearl Earring"

AN ANALYSIS OF PETE’S ROOM DECOR We asked if we could see Pete’s bedroom. He said no…

34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

BY SECRET ADMIRER

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That plaid bedspread, those blinds, that lamp… swoon. Pete’s patterned bedsheets juxtaposed with the smooth grey tones of his wall allow for a stylistic dissonance that simultaneously offers a comforting, lumberjack–inspired charm.

With Renaissance paintings, a Knicks hat, cool blue headphones and even a printer (wow!), Pete is a true Renaissance man. One can only aspire to reach this level of versatility in room decor. While many may fear entering the realm of nonsensical disarray, Pete boldly goes where no man has gone before.

Pete accessorizes like nobody’s business. Bedsheets? Check. Jets pillow/amorphous stuffed animal? Check. Strategically–placed wooden dressers? Check. Pete is practically–minded while aesthetically–inclined.

Pete reflects on the genius of his early works.

The pottery is a reaction to the disorder of modern art. Within each pot, I find order in the most chaotic times.

Despite the ostensible perfection in the roundness of the final product, you can still experiment with the color schemes so that you can maintain stability in form, but stimulate the senses. The integrity of the physical nature of the artwork remains intact, while the other elements enhance the artwork’s aesthetic. People can find meaning because the composition itself is not esoteric. — Peter Hess

A ceramic turtle reveals the young Pete’s whimsy and love of animals.

But he also had a practical side. This ceramic pot would make a lovely present for any proud parent (we’re sure Pete’s parents were overjoyed).

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

HE'SS A PRODIGY

Precocious and worldly, Pete demonstrated his knowledge of history and architecture with an astonishingly realistic rendition of Stonehenge.

34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

CARDIGANS POLOS YOGA PANTS TANK TOPS SWEA to 60% OFF TOTE BAGS SC YOGA PANTS 15% T-SHIRTS BRIEFCASES PICTURE FRAMESHOLIDAY LICENSE PLATE HOLDERS DIPL MOUSE PADS RAIN PONCHOS WATERBOTTLES MU BLOWOUT T-SHIRTS SHOT GLASSES CARDIGANS POLOS Y YOGA PANTS TANK SALE TOPS SWEATPANTS T-SHIRTS BRIEFCASES TOTE BAGS SCARVES PICTURE FRAME in store only now to 2013 LICENSE PLATE HOLDERS DIPLOMA HOLDERS PEN 400 STEINBERG HALLBOTTLES - DIETRICH HALL RAIN PONCHOS WATER MUGS MOUSE 3620 LOCUST WALK T-SHIRTS MOUSE PADS SHOT GLASSES CARDIGANS POLOS YOGA PANTS TANK TOPS SWEATPANTS T-S Monday through Thursday: 8:15am-6pm • Friday: BAGS 8:15am-5pm • Saturday & Sunday Closed • PICTURE estore.wharton.upenn.eduFRAME BRIEFCASES TOTE SCARVES CENSE PLA 13

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

PETE THROUGH HISTORY

JULY 20, 1969 – PETE LANDS ON THE MOON

34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

15,000 B.C. – PETE TAGS LASCAUX

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1989 – PETE TAKES DOWN THE BERLIN WALL

MARCH 15, 44 B.C. – JULIUS CAESAR ASSASSINATED

APRIL 15, 1865 – PETE GETS HIS FIRST SHOT AT GLORY, BUT THE WHOLE THING JUST GOES TO LINCOLN'S HEAD

AUGUST 28, 1963 – PETE HELPS MLK JR. GIVE HIS 'I HAVE A DREAM' SPEECH

• When Pete sleeps, time freezes. He always gets a good night’s sleep.

• Pete took his first final on the compass and got an A+.

• Once Pete thought he had a cold. Progresso invented chicken soup just for him.

• Pete was born a full–grown man.

• Pete got a 2400 on the SAT, but only filled in his name.

• Pete’s first word was disestablishmentarianism. He invented it.

• Pete’s birthday is considered a national holiday.

• Pete found the cure for polio, but let Jonas Salk take all the credit because he’s a nice guy.

• Whatever Pete touches turns to gold. He then donates it all to starving children in Africa.

• Pete doesn’t just have sex under the Button. Pete has sex with the Button.

• Pete’s favorite color is not visible in the human light spectrum.

• Pete wrote a five–act play in iambic pentameter about star–crossed lovers in 1st grade. He was very disappointed to find out about the existence of Romeo and Juliet.

• Pete once fell off his bike. Pete was fine, but the city had to fix the street.

• When you blow a dog whistle, Pete can hear it. He doesn’t appreciate it.

• Pete’s favorite food is air.

• Pete only goes to the bathroom once a year.

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

DID YOU KNOW...

THE FOLLOWING SECTION IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT

34th Street Bar Guide

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A guide to bars and nightclubs on or near Penn’s campus

129 N. 22nd Street • 215-561-5683 — We’re located a block from the Schuylkill River Trail and known for our great community atmosphere. Come by for great food, great drinks, and a great time!

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Copabanana — 40th & Spruce • 215-382-1330 • copabanana.com/uni.php

Copabanana is THE place to go for margaritas! Half price margaritas Mondays from noon to midnight. Happy Hour Mondays to Fridays from 5-7pm. Open late seven days a week! Philly’s award winning DJ Karaoke Joe is now at the Copabanana 40th and Spruce from 9:30 on Thursdays !

STARTING OCTOBER 7th — Sunday brunch!

New Deck Tavern — 3408 Sansom Street • 215-386-4600 • newdecktavern.com

Nestled on historical Sansom Street in University City, Philadelphia since 1986. We offer a vast array of draft beers. Our European draft beer system imported from County Cork, Ireland, gives us reason to boast that we pour the Best Pint in the City! Kitchen open till 1am daily w/half price menu Sun-Thurs. First Phila. Quizo location ever. Quizo every Mon and Wed at 10pm.

34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012

FREE PIZZA NIGHTS every Wednesday night from 9pm-2am. Industrial/house music night

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34TH STREET Magazine December 6, 2012