November 29, 2012

November 29, 2012 34st.com

november 29

12

2012

3 HIGHBROW

the roundup, word on the street, my penn addiction

4 EGO

caffeine rush

ego of the week, shit my professors say, shit penn students do

6 BACKPAGE holiday gift guide

7 FILM

film reviews, holiday movies, trailer of the week, moviemaker profile

10 FEATURE study aids

12 FOOD

caffeine issue: science behind coffee, blind tasting, buzz schedule, coffee alternatives

14 MUSIC

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

6

FROMtheEDITOR

I feel obliged to say something profound.

I feel this way every week, but Wednesday night always arrives too soon and then it's usually a choice between blank space and bullshit. It's always the latter, because at the very least, my responsibilities include filling these pages.

But this is my last "real" issue as the editor–in–chief of this "venerable rag," as it was once described to me, so I'm mining the past four years' experience in search of something I've learned to share with you in fewer than 200 words: a sweet note to linger as you read the magazine and carry on with your life. Looking back, my insides are all wobbly. I was a freshman yesterday.

I hardly remember my first Street social. The second one, my best friend carried me home. The photographs show an oblivious me, an un–self–

conscious grin stretched over my face like a starfish. I think of the times in college since then that I've felt such unashamed joy. In these moments and after, I've known that the sum of all wisdom boils down to happiness like this.

There were times like this before I arrived at Street, and I'm not enough of a pessimist to believe that there won't be many more when my term is over. But for now, this is the time when, right before something ends, it becomes perfect.

I'm not telling you to "enjoy it while it lasts." I'm simply telling you to enjoy it.

Time flies, and it goes by faster every year.

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17

lana del rey and rihanna album reviews, music theory interview, music–tionary

shoutouts

16 ARTS

Your last chance at a fluorescent, windowless room till 2013. Because we have a surprise for you next week…

artist profile, guide to winter in philly, holiday diy

2

gift guide

SAP

study aids

18 LOWBROW

WRITERS' MEETING 4015 WALNUT 6:30 P.M.

shoutouts

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Elizabeth Horkley, Editor–In–Chief Joe Pinsker, Managing Editor Adrian Franco, Online Managing Editor Hilary Miller, Design Editor Chloe Bower, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Laura Francis, Asst. Photo Inna Kofman, Asst. Design Stephanie Witt, Asst. Design Paige Rubin, Highbrow Zacchiaus Mckee, Highbrow Patrick Ford–Matz, Ego Sandra Rubinchik, Ego

Katie Giarla, Ego Patrick Del Valle, Food & Drink Isabel Oliveres, Food & Drink Abigail Koffler, Food & Drink Alex Hosenball, Music Ben Bernstein, Music Kiley Bense, Music Ben Lerner, Film Samantha Apfel, Film Megan Ruben, Arts Eillie Anzilotti, Arts Faryn Pearl, Lowbrow Lizzie Sivitz, Lowbrow Colette Bloom, Back Page Zeke Sexauer, Back Page

Julia Liebergall, Copy Mariam Mahbob, Copy Amanda Shulman, Copy Cover Design: Hilary Miller Contributors: Lauren Greenberg, Ariela Osuna, Margot Halpern, Olivia Fingerhood, Marley Coyne, Fiona Glisson, Jack LaViolette, Ryan Zahalka, Lena Backe, Emily Marcus, Ciara Stein, Benjamin Behrend, Stephen Morgenstern, Michael Shostek, Kelly Lawler, Jack Nessman, Dan Maher, Gabby Abramowitz

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Elizabeth Horkley, Editor–in–Chief, at horkley@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898–6585.

To place an ad, call (215) 898–6581.

VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "If I made Amy Gutmann have a bad day, Penn might lose millions of dollars."

—E.S. ©2012 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a–okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

MY PENN ADDICTION:

GOING TO FRAT PARTIES JUST TO ADMIRE THE ARCHITECTURE The lights are dim, the drinks are flowing and the music is blasting a lamentable combination of Top 40 and techno. Feeling the buzz of a vodka orange drank, you look around and — lo and behold! What a gorgeous piece of…architecture?

Sound familiar? Not quite? Well, when I venture into the increasingly frigid Saturday nights of autumn, I enjoy taking a moment to appreciate the majestic venues that house Penn's hormone–induced debauchery.

My fond appreciation of the architecture of frat houses dates back to my first NSO. A freshman sweating it out in the sauna–prison known as Hill, I quickly realized that I had played the housing lottery — and lost. As I drunkenly discussed Hill's Prius–sized rooms at a party with my roommate (shared misery and alcohol are the best catalysts for bonding), we noticed how sweet the house was, especially in comparison to our tiny dorm. From there, the obsession bloomed.

Admittedly, my fascination with frat architecture has probably led to a questionable decision or two.

Sure, quiet and slightly creepy guy in the corner, you can “give me a tour!” I’m just dying to see the spiral oak staircases and the view from those bay windows. It’s all part of the college experience, right?

Still, this interest has also led to some valuable life skills. I have gained an adventuresome spirit, fearlessly exploring the unknown. What’s behind Door #1? Sure, it could be an overflowing bathroom, but it could also be a tastefully decorated room complete with a wood–burning fireplace. In addition, my ability to skillfully navigate a staircase strewn with spilled Natty Lites, pizza boxes, condom wrappers and vomit (true story) will serve me well if I am ever stranded in a field of land mines.

My point is this: next time you venture into a frat house looking for a wild night, take a moment to appreciate the house for its aesthetic qualities too, be they the winding staircases of Beta that become increasingly difficult to navigate after a few drinks or the kick–ass, albeit slightly pretentious, turrets of Castle. You just might learn something!

THEROUNDUP

at

Girl 1: So how’s your mom doing?

Girl 2: She’s good. She’s getting her boobs redone, so…

Gymnast in Houston: What if I had noodles instead of teeth…

Bro: Sometimes I think my dog is just kind of an asshole.

Guy after Radian evacuation: Does this mean I can't get my fucking Chipotle?!

Blonde girl: My "emo" phase was really more like a poser scene phase with a hipster mindset.

Sorority Girl: I preffed a girl who was choosing between us and nothing.

She chose nothing.

BY PAIGE RUBIN

There are firemen in my kitchen right now.

They’re here for the second time today and the fifth time this week. My roommates can’t seem to figure out how to make popcorn and our alarm is too sensitive so, at this point, the firemen know us by name.

We offer them drinks and cookies, and they laugh at how "I Love Lucy" incompetent we are, but I’m sure that deep down they hate us with a burning passion, no pun intended.

Yet, for me, this semester has been one big lesson on discomfort and growing pains and feeling like I’m on the way out. I'm graduating in December and may not be around next semester, so I can tell you from personal experience that your last semester at Penn will be a crazy mix of emotions, of highs and lows and ups and downs. By the end, you won’t know what to do with yourself. But I learned a few things along the way that you might find helpful.

• If you already have a job, dye your hair a funny color. Once you start working, they won’t look kindly upon that. If you don’t have a job yet, do it anyway. After all, it’s just hair. It grows back.

• Obsess over your schedule. It’s only natural.

Make sure it’s perfect; go through every page of Penn InTouch if that’s what you have to do to feel good about it.

• Sit in on a few of those classes, then freak out and create an entirely new schedule.

• Skip some classes, because you’re a second–semester senior and you can.

• Your Bursar will be cut off. I’m telling you this even though you already know it because, even so, nothing can prepare you for the email you’ll get saying that no further charges will be accepted.

You'll feel old as fuck. There’s always Penn Cash, but that’s a lame consolation. It feels like trading in a black Amex for a crappy debit card.

• Love your classes, soak up all the knowledge you can and get excited about what you’re learning.

This is your last chance to learn things that are pretty much unrelated to what you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life. Unless you’re going to graduate school, in which case you should take your classes seriously anyway.

• Forget YOLO. YOSYO. You Only Senior Year Once. A wise SDT senior taught me that phrase and I've tried to take it to heart. Love it. Live it.

Make a Facebook album titled it.

But when it's all said and done, the last thing you'll have to do is say goodbye, or try to. I guess that's what this piece is an attempt to do, to say goodbye to campus and all that I've grown to love about it.

Goodbye to my house, goodbye to SDT, to the Christmas lights on Locust, to Blarney quizzo,and to all the friends I've made and lost and found again.

So long for now.

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

Thanksgiving may be over, kittens, but you know, gossip never sleeps. Highbrow loves nothing more than family holidays abundant with alcohol and political election backlash. It just makes us feel so at home.

We weren’t the only ones making ourselves at home this holiday season, apparently. Most of you know that Owls has lived in the same off–campus house at 40th and Pine for over 20 years, but Highbrow hears the birds have been forced to fly the nest. The newly–formed APES boys swooped in and signed the lease before the current residents could renew. Allegedly, the Owls offered them $250,000 dollars for their crib back, but no dice: the former AEPi boys weren't budging. It looks like 4k Pine has finally switched species.

Skulls may have been given the death sentence earlier this semester, but that hasn't stopped them from stirring up trouble. After one Skulls senior angrily threw a sofa down the stairs and broke a banister, the whole fraternity was informed that they were no longer permitted to spend time in the house, and that the senior in question would be charged the entire security deposit for the house. This prompted the boys to ransack the house, stealing anything they might want: composites and furniture, among other things. Very Robin Hood if you ask us, except in this situation, most people are rich.

The Phone Thief has struck again, and apparently this time he had his eye on a cappella groups. After one Penny Loafer had her phone stolen, naturally her friends texted it. The thief replied to the Penny Loafers textserv, saying things like, "This isn't your friend's phone anymore. Stop texting me." Ouch, that would be a real headache, kind of like "Penn's Steppin' Up." Maybe it's karma?

From what we heard, Theos's second annual Thoodser (Theos Woodser, get with it, god) was surprisingly non–dramatic. The rave–in–the–forest theme remained, and just like last year, attendees were supposed to wear all white.

Later, this made for some pretty ridiculous Instagrams when the bus driver pulled over and a hundred or so people dressed head–to–toe in white squatted to use a field as their personal bathroom. We wish there was something more scandalous, but that's all we've got.

over heard PENN

How to Survive Your Final Semester, From Someone Who Just Survived Hers

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wordonthestreet

HIGHBROW

3

highbrow ego film feature food & drink music arts lowbrow

EGO

SHIT MY PROFESSORS SAY

Real People Real Talk

“Now you’re prepared to have all of those important sex–related conversations.”

–Alison Howard, French

“DO YOUR LAUNDRY. And I refuse to elaborate on how I know this!”

–Jonathan Moreno, Philosophy

“Guys, I just can’t wait to play with my toys today!”

–Anthony Petrovito, Chemistry

“There is nothing wrong with finding a spouse in college. In fact, it’s kind of efficient."

–Kent Bream, Hill House Dean

“100 years from now the robots will take over and you all will have to justify your own existence.”

–Aaron Silberstein, Math

“Of course you agree with me. You have to if you want to get an A!” –Hocine Fetni, Sociology

“Who here has tried cocaine?”

[Name Redacted for Obvious Reasons]

“Law isn’t always the best way to resolve conflict. Sometimes, you just want to punch someone in the face.”

–Hocine Fetni, Sociology

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34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

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EGOOF THE WEEK SIMONE STOLZOFF

"Mother Tongue" 8 p.m. Fri. & Sat. Dunlop Auditorium, 3450 Hamilton Walk

This week, we got up close and maybe a little too personal with Simone “Simo” Stolzoff, a modern–day Lord Byron who slams poetry almost as well as he slams Natty.

Street: What’s your deal on campus?

Simone Stolzoff: I am president of the Excelano Project, I’m on the Ultimate Frisbee team, I’m a Beta bro and I’m in Sphinx.

Street: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever written a poem about?

SS: My penis. The first time that I performed it was also the first time my dad heard me read poetry.

Street: What did he think of it?

SS: He wished it was longer…

That was a joke.

Street: How did your first slam go?

SS: So the guy before me did a poem about his brother getting shot. And then I did a poem about the plight of the college admissions process…The last line was like, “And you can suck on my transcript!” And I just, like, walked off stage.

you have no place at a spoken word show?

SS: Nah, I mean, I’m really inappropriate and I yell shit, like full sentences. I try and have conversations with the performer. It doesn’t go over too well.

Street: Do you slam in the shower?

SS: A little personal to ask in an interview, dontcha think? Just kidding. Of course. It helps me work on fake tears.

Street: What’s your most embarrassing top–played jam on iTunes?

SS: “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child. Talkin’ about shit I do in the shower...

Street: Who’s your alter ego?

SS: The Cookie Monster. I’m obsessed with chocolate chip cookies. I have a chocolate chip cookie every day. It’s my favorite food. They’re like Beatles songs. Even the shitty ones are pretty good. I’m an aficionado.

Street: If you can’t snap, do

Street: If you had a superpower, what would it be?

SS: You know when you go to the beach, and you go swimming, but then you get out of the water and all the sand sticks to your feet? If I had the power to not have the sand stick to my feet, that would be it.

Street: If you were a character on "Friends", which would you be? Or do you hate "Friends"?

SS: I’ve seen more episodes than I’d care to admit. Joey, I guess. The Italian. “EYYYY!” Street: If you were a type of pasta, which would you be?

SS: Farfalle (bowtie), ‘cause it says, “I wanna be formal, but I’m here to party, too.”

Street: What does your PennCard picture say about you?

SS: That I should have been an 18–year–old Elvis impersonator.

Street: What little things will you miss about Penn?

SHIT PENN KIDS DO JIM FROM ALLEGRO “Last weekend, two girls stood in front of the window butt–naked with no clothes. They took a picture right out front, and then they ran in the parking lot and got dressed. That was pretty memorable.”

HOWIE FROM TAP HOUSE “Some sorority came in with a scavenger hunt and took a picture with Johnny Goodtimes shirtless. They took him in the back, took their tops off and took a picture with him, just boobs out.”

HILL SECURITY GUARD “The guy, well I guess he was pledging, but whatever he was doing, this guy was tied up on the porch with nothing but his drawers on and his drawers had hearts, red and white hearts, no t-shirt, no nothing.

They tied him up with a water hose, duct tape, rope, an extension cord — anything you could tie a person up with, they had him tied up from his head to his whole body. It starts pouring down raining and they left him out there on the porch by himself while it was pouring down raining. The bike patrol didn’t know what to do so they called the police and the police came, and he was like, ‘No! I like it! Don’t take me down! I like it!’”

and put it in my Facebook profile. And one day, Eric came up to me and was like, “Um…why did you steal my grandfather’s quote for your Facebook profile?” It’s “If you can realize the relative unimportance of everything you do, you can always go through life with a smile.”

Street: If you could get with any Disney Princess, who would it be?

SS: Jasmine. She’s bad. She could come to my mixed club.

Street: Do you have a favorite line of poetry you keep in your head at all times?

SS: So I got one off my friend Eric’s “About” section on his Facebook profile, and I thought it was just a famous quote, so I took it

Street: There are two types of people at Penn…

SS: People that make shit happen and people that watch shit happen.

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34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

We asked our friendly neighbors about the weirdest things Penn kids have done. Inexplicably, the Wawa people had nothing to say. BY MARLEY COYNE

SS: Kelly Writers House second floor bathroom. The one on Locust with the bathtub. And food trucks.

I love food trucks.

Street: If you were a Penn food truck, w h i c h would you be?

SS: Koja. I like fusion. If I were to open up a club, it would be only for mixed people.

And mixed foods.

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ALL WE WANT FOR CHRISTMAHANAKWANZIKA IS...

The Backpage Editors have boundary issues. When we lost our section this week to ad–space, we kidnapped the Ego Edz and commandeered their section. Kidding. Sort of. Here's what we want this holiday season.

Whatever. BY COLETTE BLOOM AND ZEKE SEXAUER

FOR DESIGN GEEKS SCRABBLE TYPOGRAPHY LIMITED EDITION $199 It doesn't matter if you love design or just love Scrabble; this game board is a gorgeous collector's item worth the price tag.

FOR SUZIE HOMEMAKER BABYCAKES CUPCAKE MAKER $29.99 Everyone has that one roommate who absolutely LOVES to bake. (Heads up, she's trying to make you fat!)

FOR THE OLD–SCHOOL AUDIOPHILE AUDIO–TECHNICA AT–LP60 FULLY AUTOMATIC STEREO TURNTABLE $86 When you're feeling classic, pour yourself a glass of pinot noir and spin some oldies.

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

FOR THE VISUALLY–CHALLENGED WARBY PARKER CHANDLER GLASSES $95 These glasses look great and cost far less than the average pair of specs. Plus WP was founded by Wharton grads!

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FOR YOUR SENSUAL ROOMMATE (MALIN+GOETZ) CANNABIS CANDLE $52 Malin+Goetz scents are dark and provocative. Any flavor will get you feeling frisky.

FOR SDT NICE JEWISH GUYS 2013 CALENDAR $14 We all know that sweaty firefighters aren't what really gets Penn girls going. This is basically a catalogue of future husbands.

STREET’S OSCAR PREDICTIONS 2013 As the major contenders hit theaters, the Film editors call their picks for February’s Academy Awards. (Actual nominations are announced January 15th.)

BY BEN LERNER AND SAMANTHA APFEL

Ben Lerner’s Predictions BEST PICTURE: Frontrunner: “Les Miserables” Contenders: “Argo,” “Silver Linings Playbook,” “Lincoln,”“Life of Pi,” “Beasts of the Southern Wild,” “Zero Dark Thirty,” “The Master” Wild Card: “Moonrise Kingdom”

The category is by no means a sure thing, but I’m holding out for the all–star adaptation of beloved musical “Les Miz” to take the crown 10 years after “Chicago,” the last Broadway adaptation, did.

BEST ACTOR Frontrunner: Daniel Day–Lewis, “Lincoln” Contenders: Joaquin Phoenix, “The Master”; John Hawkes, “The Sessions”; Anthony Hopkins, “Hitchcock”; Denzel Washington, “Flight” Wild Card: Hugh Jackman, “Les Miserables”

Oscar darling DDL’s stellar performance as the 16th president will likely earn him his third statue in an especially competitive category.

BEST ACTRESS Frontrunner: Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook” Contenders: Quvenzhané Wallis, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”; Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty"; Emmanuelle Riva, “Amour”; Marion Cotillard, “Rust and Bone” Wild Card: Naomi Watts, “The Impossible”

Best Supporting Actor:

Fingers crossed for young Wallis –– Lawrence is the frontrunner, but her passable work was more even with Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side” than Natalie Portman in “Black Swan.”

Samantha Apfel’s Predictions BEST PICTURE: As early fave “Argo” starts to Frontrunner: “Lincoln” fade at the box office (and Contenders: “Argo,” “Les Miserables,” “Beasts from the minds of Oscar of the Southern Wild,” “Life of Pi,” “Silver voters), look for new release Linings Playbook,” “Amour,” “Zero Dark “Lincoln” to surge under the Thirty” auspices of fantastic reviews Wild Card: “The Master” from highbrow critics.

BEST ACTOR Frontrunner: Daniel Day–Lewis, “Lincoln” Contenders: John Hawkes, “The Sessions”; Joaquin Phoenix, “The Master”; Hugh Jackman, “Les Miserables”; Denzel Washington, “Flight” Wild Card: Ben Affleck, “Argo”

Hawkes was a force coming off the festival circuit, but will his intimate performance be enough to unseat Day–Lewis at his presidential best?

BEST ACTRESS Frontrunner: Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook” Contenders: Quvenzhané Wallis, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”; Marion Cotillard, “Rust and Bone”; Helen Mirren, “Hitchcock”; Emmanuelle Riva, “Amour” Wild Card: Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”

In an unusually weak field, Oscar voters may go for the beautiful ingénue playingweird who lost out in 2011.

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BEST OF 2012: STREET’S FAVORITE FILMS OF THE YEAR

The Oscar–buzziest films aren’t always the most enjoyable. These 2012 films were just a blast to watch.

“THE CABIN IN THE WOODS” It’s hard to name the reasons I loved “The Cabin In the Woods” without revealing some major spoilers –– and without those major spoilers, this horror movie about five friends who take a vacation in a cabin in the woods and meet some unexpected visitors sounds completely generic and wholly unremarkable. But it’s not! It’s packed with trademark Joss Whedon wit, genre–conscious characters and a cliché–defying plot that could have only been conceived by two dudes who were totally blitzed. And it has a unicorn. Oops. Spoiler alert. —Faryn Pearl

“THE AVENGERS” Say what you will about superhero movies, but this summer, “The Avengers” knocked it out of the park. The impressive thing about the movie was that in putting all of these larger–than–life superheroes together, it still worked so seamlessly. Sure, it didn't have the most original premise ever, but it delivered a hilarious and occasionally deep action story that was worth seeing a second time. It’s a rare thing when a director can take a genre that has lately been boiled down to its explosive 3D–center and make a film where the explosions are just the beginning. Nothing else this year has left me as entertained walking out of the theater as “The Avengers” has, and to me, that makes it the best movie of the year. —Kelly Lawler

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

“21 JUMP STREET” Despite the low expectations that audiences had for what was predicted to be a dumb comedy, “21 Jump Street” did not disappoint. Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum star as seemingly helpless police officers Schmidt and Jenko who are assigned to work undercover as high school students in order to infiltrate a drug ring. The movie turns out to be sassy and smart, poking fun at the action genre in general as well as the 80s TV series upon which the film is based. The movie’s hilariously apt social commentary in addition to Tatum and Hill’s priceless bromantic chemistry makes it undoubtedly one of the best comedies of the year. —Gabby Abramowitz

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“BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD” “Beasts of the Southern Wild” is a must–see if for no other reason than six–year–old Quvenzhané Wallis’s stellar performance as the indomitably feisty Hush Puppy. The film is a stunning and dreamlike adventure through a mighty world suspended between reality and myth — Hush Puppy’s precarious bayou home and an epic landscape that's slowly and ominously being repopulated with apocalyptic giant boars. The film’s nonprofessional actors offer compelling realism and spirit. Socially conscious but never forcefully moralistic, “Beasts” triumphantly transforms the bayou’s isolated residents into warriors and survivors, all the while exploring the complicated love shared by a father and daughter.

—Jack Nessman

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“TITANIC 3D” I saw “Titanic” in theaters with my mother during its first release when I was just six years old.

Three hours of watching the greatest love story of all time unfold against the backdrop of a sinking ship might be boring for other first graders, but I've never looked back. The behemoth that was “Titanic” prompted a re–release 15 years later, and you can bet I was the first one in line for that showing.

Already tearing up at the opening credits, I watched for the umpteenth time as Jack and Rose met, fell in love, parted, reunited and fought for their lives only to ultimately be torn apart. Every single viewing is wrought with sentiment, and seeing it once again on the big screen flooded audiences with emotion. One thing is for certain: I’ll never let go.

—Zacchiaus McKee

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“BRAVE” Once you get past all the annoying reviewers shouting “OMG LESBIAN DISNEY PRINCESS!” (seriously, give it a break. Just because tweenager Merida doesn’t brush her hair and wanna get married?) ”Brave” is the magical story of the amazing love between mothers and daughters. The movie makes you want to immediately call your mom and apologize for forgetting to bring home the Tupperware containers she packed you over fall break, because what if you don’t apologize and she turns into a bear and tries to eat your whole village, y’know? Five stars. ––Sandra Rubinchik

“ARBITRAGE” “Arbitrage” was one of the highest–quality and intriguing films of 2012 — and yet it seems to have largely slipped through the cracks.

Richard Gere, as a deeply conflicted billionaire hedge fund king, makes this film special with one of the most truthful and riveting performances of his career. The stream of consciousness direction

by Nicholas Jarecki, paired with excellent dialogue and an almost unbearable sense of urgency throughout, is captivating. Gere’s efforts to stay afloat while his world crumbles around him make for genuinely suspenseful and thought–provoking film. Susan Sarandon, as his wife, is also excellent. Don’t miss this one, even if others have. ––Stephen Morgenstern

“THE DARK KNIGHT RISES”

Since 2008, I had eagerly awaited the ending to Christopher Nolan’s captivating Batman trilogy, so I was one of millions to experience the midnight premiere of its epic conclusion. This was no ordinary “save the world” superhero tale, as I’m not really a fan of recent comic book adaptations.

Rather it was a bleak, desperate struggle for our hero Bruce Wayne, whose only actual “power” is his strength, which is undermined by Bane’s dominant physicality.

The grim outlook of the film, captured by Nolan’s superb cast, thrilling IMAX visuals and Hans Zimmer’s soundtrack enhanced my cinematic experience. Ultimately, regardless of some technical flaws, I contently left the theater, overjoyed with Nolan’s impressive outcome to his much–celebrated trilogy. — Michael Shostek

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“LOOPER” In an era of adaptations, sequels and remakes, I find myself drawn to any original film that is gripping, inspiring and exciting. In 2012, “Looper” was that movie. I spent the entire 118 minutes of the film at the edge of my seat, gnawing at my fingernails. I left the theater intent on learning everything there is to know about the movie’s production. I spent hours familiarizing myself with the characteristics of the dystopian future in which the plot takes place. It made me want to write novels and make movies. While thrillers rarely earn accolades in the film community, the balance of action and emotion that shapes “Looper” made it a must–see in 2012. —Colette Bloom

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34th Street Bar Guide

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34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

tAVERN

A guide to bars and nightclubs on or near Penn’s campus

Copabanana is THE place to go for margaritas! Half price margaritas Mondays from noon to midnight. Happy Hour Mondays to Fridays from 5-7pm. Open late seven days a week! Philly’s award winning DJ Karaoke Joe is now at the Copabanana 40th and Spruce from 9:30 on Thursdays !

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highbrow ego film feature food & drink music arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

Jack*, a Wharton senior who is prescribed Adderall for ADHD, comes in wearing a yellow baseball cap, with a typical grin on his face. He is known as “someone who largely doesn’t follow the beaten path,” says one friend.

His quietness might be mistaken for shyness, but Jack is simply independent. He loves music to his very core and is, by all accounts, the epitome of “chill.”

Although he does give his extra pills to people who are not prescribed the drug, Jack is very strict about who he gives it to. He gives it to only two people, one of whom has ADHD but whose parents are morally opposed to the medication. He thinks of himself as “a drug dealer with a conscience, ” adding for emphasis: “that’s very rare.”

Jack was not diagnosed with ADHD until college and was very skeptical of the drugs prescribed to treat it. He didn’t believe in taking performance–enhancing drugs “unless absolutely necessary.” Before being treated for ADHD, he felt like the added new stimuli of college and his intellectually curious personality made it

impossible for him to focus on any one thing enough to be successful. He says of the medication, “it helps you make that choice as opposed to there not being a choice at all."

While effective and completely legal when prescribed, Adderall and Ritalin are both Class II controlled substances, listed in the same category as cocaine, oxycotin, opium, PCP and morphine for being as addictive as its counterparts. Common Adderall side effects include dry mouth, insomnia, headaches, abdominal pain, increases in blood pressure, emotional changes, increased heart rate and weight loss, among other things.

William Alexander, the Director of Counseling and Psychological Services, views Adderall abuse as “a huge problem here at Penn.” Based on anecdotal evidence as well as surveys done of students nationwide and of Penn students specifically, CAPS is well aware of the issue. At CAPS, they try to limit the amount of ADHD medication prescribed. According to Alexander, CAPS, among other Penn services including Weingarten, try to use other alternatives, including behavioral intervention.

To many Penn students, the benefits of using these drugs outweigh the costs. There is a perception that there is a low–risk factor involved with study drugs.

“It’s a really open environment,” says Jack of Adderall use on campus. “I see drug deals go down in Huntsman GSRs or hallways.” He added that there are many other places on campus where exchanges of study drugs take place out in the open.

Steve also points out what he sees as the low risk of taking an Adderall pill: “People say that it is addictive. I don’t believe that it is chemically addicting to my brain.

I don’t believe it will have permanent impact. It’s like how we rely on energy drinks, on coffee. It’s not like I require it to be productive.” The “openness” of the study drug culture at Penn, along with Adderall's easy concealment and widespread availability, is another major factor in its popularity. “If I take out a bottle of Advil, no one is going to look at me and say, ‘oh that’s Adderall.’”

Similarly, Jack hasn't encountered any serious health problems from his experiences with Adderall. “It’s not a

‘problem.’ There is no shock from it. It’s not like you get really dehydrated from it like molly and have to go to the hospital.” In fact, some recreational users pick Adderall for that very reason. A friend of Jack’s is hesitant about using other drugs but Adderall is “FDA approved, so he was more open to the idea of using it. When he snorted it [before going out], you essentially saw him become the life of the party.”

The openness of Penn’s campus is apparent in the way that news of those who have access to the drugs spread so quickly across campus via word of mouth. “It is almost hard not to sell it when you are prescribed because it’s just too easy,” Jack explains.

And Penn students are not alone. A study by the Univeristy of Wisconsin found that as many as one in five college students has taken Adderall or Ritalin without a doctor’s prescription.

In 2008, the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, run by the government, conducted a survey and found numbers that were lower than those found in the University of Wisconsin study, but still rather alarming: 6.4% of students had used the drug in the past year and that 18 to 22 year–old college students were twice as likely to have abused Adderall than non–students from the same age bracket.

While Adderall is certainly used recreationally to give Smoke’s or a frat party a little more spark than usual, the principle use of the drug on campus seems to be for a more mundane reason: to get better grades. It seems counterintuitive that some of Penn’s best students are also using drugs. But Adderall is not a typical drug. According to Steve, in many ways Adderall use is linked “to ambition…it is more skewed for people who want to do well.” When you really get down to it, it’s a drug for nerds.

Mel Bavaria is a senior from Philadelphia majoring in International Relations. She is an Associate News Editor and Beat Reporter for the DP.

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

Adderall and Ritalin (another commonly–abused ADHD medication) are in high demand during finals season, selling at $15 per 20 mg, the size of a standard pill. The performance–enhancing pill increases a non–prescribed student’s ability to focus intently on a task at hand. You can stay up all night finishing a paper or reading “without the horrible crash of caffeine,” as Steve puts it.

But Adderall’s uses go beyond making your math homework exciting. Some snort it before going out to increase their tolerance. According to Steve, “You will most likely brown out, but probably not black out.”

That sleepy feeling that drinking can sometimes give to people? It won’t happen on Adderall.

Steve is prescribed neither Adderall nor Ritalin, but gets it easily from his friends at home in the Midwest who do not take it every day and therefore have large

surpluses of the drug.

Although he knows that the drug is used at other college campuses, there is a particularly unique market for it here at Penn.

But, like almost all things, there is a social reason for using the drug as well. “At Penn, social status is so connected to success,” Steve says. He clarified that those students who are academically successful and most involved on campus are often the ones that are the most popular: “a lot of the pressure comes not only from the need to get a good job. Also, it’s cool to have a high GPA.” This sort of pressure is felt across campus regardless of major or post–graduate plans. “I don’t know anyone for whom I can say ‘your grades don’t matter,’” Steve comments.

But the world of Adderall is unlike that of almost any other drug. Although it does have recreational uses, the social connotation of being an “Adderall user” is much different than for other drugs.

“Coke is clearly a status symbol. Rich kids have it.

Weed is a hippie drug. Adderall or Ritalin, they aren’t really like that,” Steve says. “To me, I really just view it like coffee. It’s so cheap and I don’t think it’s badass.”

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10

S

teve* walks into Starbucks one afternoon, probably fitting this interview into a busy day full of meetings and class. Steve is someone that you hear before you see, and he is someone you hear often.

One of Penn’s most active personalities, this Wharton student has reason to be stressed given the upcoming finals season.

Surrounded by students at the coffee shop, a go–to place on campus for a population of caffeine addicts, it would be clear to anyone listening in why Steve and I are talking about ways to prepare for the upcoming wave of papers and exams. But, even though there are coffees in front of us, we are not talking about caffeine — we are talking about Adderall.

“I can bang out a paper very quickly. It can be very shitty, very linear, no creativity, but it will get written,” Steve says. “It makes your math homework seem super fun; the satisfaction is inexplicable when you are done.

It feels like you have just conquered the world.”

Labeled by students as a “smart drug” and “the perfect life in a pill,” Adderall is a combination of amphetamine and dextroamphetamine, both of which are central nervous system stimulants. The prescription drug is generally given to patients to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or narcolepsy. But a large number of students on Penn’s campus who use the drug aren’t prescribed it by a doctor, and are using it in plain sight.

11

highbrow ego film feature food & drink music arts lowbrow

FOOD&DRINK Save money: Punch cards are your best friends. Count ‘em, hoard them, cash ‘em in.

THE CAFFEINE ISSUE

Another surprise: Making your own coffee is way

Let’s be real, finals are coming up and you have yet to open your textbook. Congratulations, you have been drafted to #teamcaffeine. Jitters not included.

Besos, F&D

cheaper. Grab beans or pods at Metro, Avril 50 on Sansom, Trader Joe’s or even underneath Commons. Use a Keurig, French press or the classic coffee pot. Treat yo’self without guilt because your morning cup will literally cost pennies.

Not created equal: Caffeine Content Rankings Starbucks’ Grande Coffee: 259 mg Plain Brewed Coffee: 135 mg Black Tea: 40–70 mg Espresso: 30–50 mg Diet Coke: 45 mg Green Tea: 25–40 mg

CAFFEINE FOR DAYS

Finals are approaching. Sip accordingly.

By Lena Backe and Abigail Koffler

When to Drink: Shockingly, the vast majority of us sleep–deprived, coffee– guzzling students are not using caffeine as efficiently as we could be. Clutching a cup in your first few classes may be the norm, but studies show that small, frequent doses of caffeine prove to be more effective in keeping us awake. By front–loading your day with caffeine, you get an immediate caffeine buzz that tapers off throughout the day, as our 3 p.m. headaches suggest. Because your body craves sleep increasingly as the day progresses, caffeinating too early will not give you the most productive energy levels as the day wears on.

The fix: Drink small, regular doses of beverages with between 20 and 200mg of caffeine. The effects of caffeine are usually stable for about an hour, and the consumed caffeine remains in your system for about three to four hours, so these doses should be spread out to every four or so hours, in parallel with the growing pressure from your sleep system. Not trynna pull an all–nighter? Caffeine intake should stop about four hours before you intend to hit the hay.

Make it sweet: Some studies show that the beneficial effects of caffeine may be most pronounced when combined with sugar, so have no shame in not being man enough to drink coffee black. No word on the scary chemicals found in Splenda, but we don’t recommend those.

Someone will MCAT Prep know the No miracle cures. Just a healthy answer. You.

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

dose of excellent prep.

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When you’re ready for the next step, MCAT Small Group Instruction: Small Group Instruction offers the greatest in-class call 800-2Review (800-273-8439) flexibility as the curriculum shifts to meet your needs. or visit princetonreview.com today.

Get Some Sleep:

PLUS, learn faster and retain longer with amplifireTM, a revolutionary new learning application.

There are many drinks that will help you catch some zzz’s — some more fun than others.

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For the nostalgic: warm milk with honey provides natural sugars, which stimulate serotonin.

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For the alcoholic: studies show that a Hot Toddy with 1–2 shots of whiskey also induces sleep (not to mention holiday spirit!).

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For the insomniacs: Penn researchers have found that regular consumption of tart cherry juice can help combat sleeplessness. We hope they sell that at FroGro.

* Visit PrincetonReview.com/guarantee for details. amplifire is a registered trademark of Knowledge Factor, Inc. MCAT is a registered trademark of the Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC) The Princeton Review is not affiliated with Princeton University of AAMC.

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A tough panel of caffeine connoisseurs set out to find the best buzz on campus.

BY EMILY MARCUS

CAPOGIRO: “Still a little watery, but better.”

“Has a bit more flavor.”

“Kinda like Franzia: not very good, but you’re gonna drink it anyway because it’s not that bad.”

The bottom line: Though not amazing, Capo’s coffee is better than some others.

WAWA:

Get our caffeine fix without coffee.

BY RYAN ZAHALKA

Perky Jerky (Caffeinated Beef Jerky) Though the name makes us wary of looking this up on Google Images, these guys are on to something: a hunting snack that can keep you awake while you wait and wait and wait.

Timmy’s Torrid Tonic (Caffeinated Habanero Hot Sauce) A surprisingly well put–together hot sauce with quality ingredients and no preservatives, it’s a wonder Timmy decided to throw in caffeine to boot.

Snack in the Face (Caffeinated brownies) With more caffeine in each square than two cups of coffee, this late night snack lets you bundle your stress eating and all–nighter needs into one (or several) tasty packages.

“One of the Best Japanese Restaurants in Philadelphia in 2012”

Water Joe (Caffeinated Water) What happens when you take the taste and pleasure out of drinking coffee or the convenience out of caffeine pills? You get Water Joe’s caffeinated water. Their website preaches the benefits of being well– hydrated, then goes on to suggest brewing your Monday morning coffee with their water for “a little something extra.” A few extra heart palpitations always help me through my Mondays!

Shiroi Hana 215-735-4444

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HUB BUB: “Really sweet smell.”

“Tastes like Thanksgiving!”

“My favorite.”

“The best so far.”

The bottom line: Our favorite. Flavorful and robust, Hub Bub’s coffee was the clear frontrunner.

For energy drinks and more, check out 34st.com

BYOB

sushi

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

“Smells like poop.”

“OY!” “Tastes like dirt.”

“Oh my god. This is legitimately the backwash of boiled carrots.”

“This is even more watery than office coffee,” The bottom line: Stay away from Wawa’s coffee unless you’re broke and in dire need of a cheap caffeine fix.

CUP OF JOE NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA?

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TASTE TEST: CAMPUS COFFEE

modern korean-japanese tapas 215-564-1114

1822 Callowhill St

www.domarestaurant.com

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highbrow ego film feature food & drink music arts lowbrow

MUSIC

LANA DEL REY— "Paradise" In the first installment of a series of conversations with people in Penn's music community, Street sat down with Doron Roberts–Kedes, a CogSci major with a passion for music and an intimate relationship with theory.

STREET: What do you do musically and what are you involved in?

Doron Roberts–Kedes: I’m a composer and a guitar player. I’m in a band called Sweater for an Octopus. That’s a cover band. A lot of the originals I write, I write on my own. When it comes to stuff I write I find myself being really controlling.

When I first started composing I used what I’d learned about theory from my guitar teacher.

I work in Logic, a composing and production program. So I just got really used to having control over every detail of the music and that translates into my hesitation over forming a group that writes originals.

STREET: Why is it called Sweater for an Octopus?

DRK: I think it’s a hilarious image. Yeah, [laughs] eight tentacles of greatness.

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

STREET: In terms of where music is going, do producers have more merit than classical composers?

DRK: No not at all, just not less merit. There is an idea called timbre, it’s the idea that there’s another quality in music besides its volume, pitch and everything else.

This music focuses on very interesting changes in timbre with synthesizers, like the wobble, the wubwubwub of dubstep, is a frequency filter that’s become a staple of an entire genre, and a genre that’s really taken off. The fact that this whole new phenomenon is not incorporated into classical music theory, as it shouldn’t be, it’s something different, but that’s another thing that dissuaded me.

14

ALBUM REVIEWS

STREET: So do you think dubstep is going to be regarded as a form of classical music?

DRK: This goes beyond dubstep, to electronic bass music in general, that allows you to have control over the timbre of sound, and manipulate it in ways that aren’t possible acoustically, I think that one day it will be understood by classical music theorists in a more formal way. There’s a stubbornness to accept that production takes just as much training and practice. It’s made it more difficult that there’s not really another type of theory behind it. It’s very experimental the way it is right now. I don’t think it will be considered classical per se, but there will be a more formal way to study it.

The fact that there’s something called a wobble — it bridges the gap between the term timbre and any lay definition. There aren’t many of those things that exist yet for this type of music. Like major and minor, is that really a lay term? I don’t know.

One day it will be regarded more formally.

STREET: Do you think you need theory to be a good musician?

DK: I do. I wish I were good enough to not need it…I get that question that a lot.

Guitar players are notorious for not knowing their theory. Definitely most people suck because they don’t know theory. That’s the rule of the thumb. If you don’t know theory, you might suck. I hesitate to make it a binary, like you know theory or you’re naturally talented. Like the quintessential example for guitar players is Jimi Hendrix. Did he know theory? No, but he definitely knew the blues scale, and he definitely practiced it and other good solos of other guitar players learning other music. You internalize it in a more subconscious way. I think that practice and deliberate practice is totally necessary. You can’t just have a lot of soul and expect to be good.

While her debut album, “Born to Die,” polarized audiences and her SNL flop did littel to help, Lana del Rey’s follow up, “Paradise,” could win over some of her detractors. The eight–track EP features some convincing songs amongst several lackluster album–fillers. Even though her moaning vocals remain unaltered, the lyrics throughout the album are not as depressing and tear–inducing as they were in her debut album. Nonetheless, the self–proclaimed Marilyn–Elvis lovechild channels Walt Whitman in “Body Electric,” juxtaposing his famous phrase “I sing the body electric” with “Diamonds are my bestest friend.” With her bizarre flair, she ironically proceeds to sing, “My pussy tastes like Pepsi–Cola” (“Cola”) minutes after belting, “Be young, be dope, be proud” (“American"). Sure, she’s weird, but somehow all the nonsense is not a pain in the ear.

— Ariela Osuna

RIHANNA— "Unapologetic"

According to Metacritic, “Unapologetic,” Rihanna’s latest studio album, is receiving “generally favorable” reviews. This mild nomenclature sums up “Unapologetic” quite well: there isn’t a whole lot to object to, per se, but you can’t say a whole lot about the album. There was too much talent involved — Benny Blanco and David Guetta both lent a hand in production — for the album to totally bomb, but apparently not enough talent to do anything but rehash the same combination of vaguely EDM–inspired beats, autotuned vocals and dubstep invocations that have dominated pop for too long. The most distinguishable track is “Nobody’s Business,” featuring Chris Brown(!), which cranks out a deliciously 80s beat with much success. Guetta gives “Right Now” a forgettable house beat, while Eminem provides a welcome cameo in “Numb,” one of the album’s stronger tracks. The goal of any pop album is to be catchy and accessible; in this respect, "Unapologetic" succeeds.

However, it seems to lack other ambitions, and seems destined to be forgotten.

— Jack LaViolette

What exactly is a "capella"? Is it a hat? Street breaks it down for those of you unschooled in the ways of music theory. BY FIONA GLISSON AND ALEX HOSENBALL A cappella | ä k 'pel | adjective Dowdowdow dowdowdow dowdow dow, bomp, woop, doo wop, bomb doop, and finally you belt “I hear Jerusalem bell’s a–ringin.’” Note: Groups have a tendency to multiply quicker than rabbits and harvest a campus bone–dry faster than locusts.

Coda | ’koda | noun You start at the colon, repeat at the coda: Start at the colon, repeat at the coda.

Brillante | bre 'länte| adverb With all the sparkle of Amy Gutmann’s Commencement/Flavor Flav necklace.

Fugue | fyo g | adjective First, one person comes in and sings. Then another.

Then another. Then another.

Then another. Then finally, as the last voices repeat the last, shrillest lines you'll ever

Crescendo |kr' sh end | noun When you start out like this AND END UP LIKE THIS.

hear, you realize your mind has finally touched the darkness and seen the beast.

Gesamtkunstwerk noun Wagner says that the world’s hottest art form is Opera.

It’s got everything: drama, incest, music, Norse mythology, costumes, dwarfs who steal from mermaids, literature, scenery and men who turn into giant snakes. Stay long enough and you might even see a king sell his sister– in–law to two giants to pay off his debt.

Largo |'lärg | noun As slow as waiting for Penn Ride to pick you up. The speed of traffic outside 30th Street Station. The omelet line at Hill brunch.

Perfect Pitch noun The ability to distinguish the screaming of a child who has had his candy stolen versus the yells of a child who just got defeated in Pokemon.

With your eyes closed.

Relative Pitch noun The aforementioned child– distinguishing skill, only with your eyes open.

Timbre |'tamb r| noun Not quite wibbly, not quite wubby, but that in–between part that measures just the exact amount of bass droppage you feel in your intestines.

Zart |tsa rt| adjective Tender; as used in a sentence: "he touched me zartingly on the face."

highbrow ego film feature food & drink music arts lowbrow

FROM A CAPPELLA TO ZART

DID YOU KNOW? Currently enrolled college students (with a valid student ID) get:

*Cannot be combined with any other offers. ID must be current/valid.

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keswickcycle

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

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highbrow ego ego food film &feature & drink music music arts arts lowbrow lowbrow highbrow drink fifood lm feature

LOL 34

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ARTS FILM

How Penn Students Watch Movies

DIY: HOLIDAY GLITTER ART Borrow from Library DO YOU PAY PER VIEW? 'Tis the season of finals and crafty procrastination! Fight off those Reading Days blues with some festive holiday Film polled you toRUBEN find out how you are getting your Sunday afternoon

BY MEGAN cheer. movie fixes. Here’s what we learned. BY ANTHONY KHAYKIN

T

24.6%

Don't Watch Movies Theaters

Free Streaming watch Hugo in theaters. And we you guess then that Penn stu47.7% 16.9% need:would glitter, cardstock Paid Online Services fit this mold of overworked You’ll Ivy dents prefer to get (or theirthick paper),RomCom glitter, a fi small paintbrush, League students well, with only x online with freeglitter, scissors, glue (and/or glitter glue) and did we about 17% of Penn undergrads streaming websites like SideReel 9.2% watching movies at the Ravemention ev- andglitter?

Ch131 rather than pay for ery semester. services provided by Netflix and But how about the other ste- Redbox?

1.5% 1. Pick aWhile line from Christmahreotype, the one that says all col75%your of us favorite watch movjingle, type50% it uppay in for a Word doculege students are poor? The anakwanzika free ies online, nearly ment and out. WeBosses picked bells do you go to the movies? movement of information made it. Iprint hear itHorrible — “Sleigh a Why ring” and theonfont "Brush," size 400. 3.1% possible by the interweb makes newused release iTunes — is hys6.3% but is and cut Other 2. Tape the letters to theterical, cardstock Whose recommendations do you take? it worth the It's a way to hang out with friends them out.

25% 50 1.5 salads at 47.7% Other It's a good study break 40.6% 3. Grab some newspaperSweetgreen because this will get a 40% 40 little messy.A Friend Use the paintbrush to spread glue It makes you feel relaxed and happy it would Cinema Studies 25% over the letters. have cost if Required for Class 30 Major 26.2% 25% 25% I had seen it Professor or TA MORE 4. Glitter, glitter and GLITTER. 20 in theaters?

Sprinkle glitter Feel sexy and Street on the letters.

Ramen noofree.

10 *Students surveyed were allowed to choose more dles aren’t es seven movies, more or less, than oneup option.on the wall, and revel in 5. Hang ‘em 0 that bad, I every semester. Simple arithmeholiday cheer. Now get guess. back to studying, you that it’s $40 cheaper tic proves time–waster you. entertainment accessible and The average Penn student to watch said movies on Netflix inexpensive to anyone with an (who is anything but average, if than at the Rave, and an addiAirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watch- tional $20 less on iTunes (cost of popcorn and Mike and Ikes not included in these calculations). The low cost of watching seven movies on iTunes for >> Total amount of less than 30 bucks is worth the money spent in movie many conveniences that online theaters* by Penn paid services afford us: not bestudents each semester ing interrupted by incessant buffering and commercials, the immunity to computer viruses and most importantly, not having to wait 54 minutes after >> Total amount of watching 72 minutes of a movie money spent watching on Megavideo. online, if all people who Not to mention, it’s a small paid for online services price to pay when you look at Dine-In, Catering & Delivery used iTunes* the big picture — the combined savings of the 47.7% of Penn Happy Hour: Mon-Fri 5-7 students who pay for their online services rather than going to the Lunch Special: Mon-Fri $8.95 movie theater is somewhere between $196,136 and $295,344, >> Total amount of Early Bird: Sun-Thur $10.95 depending on whether they use spent watchingor “My ultimate career goal ismoney to be an art director Netfl ix or iTunes, respectively. online, if all people open my own design studio. I don’t think you’ll who see Moral of Broadway the story is:any we won't paid online and services me on time soon, butfortheatre music judge you just in bed.enjoy. Anybody used Netflix* are ifthings I’llstay always looking to hire a

hough we all know the Internet is for porn (thanks Avenue Q), the bedroom is no longer the only area being ceded to digital territory. For every girl with daddy’s AmEx, window browsing on Fifth Avenue has been replaced with online shopping. And FYEs everywhere have virtually been rendered useless (pun intended) with the existence of the multifarious iTunes store.

Things are no different here at Penn, where the Rave gets nearly half the traffic for the midnight screenings of blockbuster hits like Twilight as Hulu does the day after the newest episode of 30 Rock airs. This makes sense. We Penn students are too busy procrastinating on Penn InTouch and designing funny lacrosse pinnies for the clubs we’re involved in to leave the comfort of our beds to

BY THE NUMBERS

34TH STREET Magazine December November 1, 29,2011 2012

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graphic designer who will serenade you?” *A simple random sample *$12.50/ticket at the Rave of 100 Penn were Check out undergrads an extended interview with and works by actor and *$3.99 to rent a movie on iTunes surveyed graphic to collect data about designer Tom McQuaid online @34st.com! *$7.99/month on Netflix their film viewing habits.

Although it might be cold out, that’s no reason to stay home. Load up on the layers and get in the holiday spirit this winter with Arts’ guide to the best that Philly has to offer this winter.

BY BENJAMIN BEHREND AND CIARA STEIN

CHARLES DICKENS’ A CHRISTMAS CAROL Walnut Street Theatre 825 Walnut St. Dec. 1 – 22 (Ticket price varies) We all know Ebenezer Scrooge’s tale of transition from perpetual old–man grumpiness to holiday cheerfulness, with ghosts leading Scrooge through his past, present and future showing him the way to happiness. This production will be sure to bring you into the holiday spirit.

CHRISTMAS VILLAGE Love Park (JFK Plaza) Nov. 24 – Dec. 24 Sunday –Thursday: 11 a.m. – 7 p.m.

Friday – Saturday: 11 a.m. – 8 p.m.

For the perfect Reading Days study break, wander up and down the rows of vendors selling Christmas ornaments, jewelry, arts and crafts and — best of all — mulled wine. This little village in the middle of the city is sure to put you in the mood for the holidays. Be sure to go on December 8th or 9th to check out the German choirs and dances while eating bratwurst and gingerbread.

GEORGE BALANCHINE’S THE NUTCRACKER The Academy of Music 240 South Broad St. (Between Locust & Spruce St.) Dec. 8 – 30 (Ticket price varies) The Pennsylvania Ballet’s annual production of "The Nutcracker" is sure to impress all your cultured friends, as the company celebrates its 25th year performing this holiday classic. Spectacular sets and glittering costumes, all set in a magical land of candy — what’s not to love?

DECK THE ALLEY 2012 Elfreth’s Alley Dec. 1, 4 – 7 p.m. $20 (adults), $10 (seniors/students) Ever wonder how hard Benjamin Franklin celebrated Christmas? Historic Elfreth’s Alley will be sponsoring a "Colonial Christmas" with caroling and holiday treats made with recipes from the 1770s. The Alley gift shop will be stocked with cool gifts for favorite uncles and aunts.

ICE SKATING RINK Penn’s Landing Nov. 23 – March 3 Monday – Thursday: 6 p.m. – 9 p.m.

Friday: 1.30 p.m – 1 a.m.

Saturday: 12:30 p.m. – 1 a.m.

Sunday: 12:30 p.m. – 9 p.m.

Nothing says “holidays” more than gliding gracefully across the ice (or consistently falling on your ass). Go with a love interest for some mushy movie moments or go with friends and laugh at all of them wiping out — either way you win.

MODEL RAILROADS, LATKES, CAROLS AND MORE, ONLINE AT 34ST.COM

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CHILLY PHILLY: A GUIDE TO THE HOLIDAYS

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012 17

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Shoutouts! Shoutouts!

To Mask & Wig: Not inviting Bloomers to Comfest is like not inviting your drunk uncle to a wedding — nothing funny happens.

To the Theta Whartonite whose 15–year–old sister is infinitely hotter than her: At least you got the brains, right?

To every pre–med at Penn who thinks he or she’s smarter than a liberal arts major: Guess what, I’m better at sex.

To the TFA Campus Coordinator: I haven’t responded to your e–mails in months and I took a job in investment banking. What else do I need to do to get you to stop e–mailing me?

To the closet druggie in my house who color–coded her prescription medication: Maybe it’s time to lay off the Adderall?

To the kid who thinks Allegros is pronounced "Allegrays": Get your shit together.

To the cheerleader who tried to get me to have a foursome: I didn’t read enough of "Fifty Shades of Grey"w for your fantasies.

To the Senior Superlatives: Most Irrelevant Publication.

To the girl who we fought to give our house to who then asked for the money she paid us for furniture back 4 months later: We can’t think of anything meaner to say than last semester’s Shoutout about you.

To the stud down the hall who walks to the shower in his boxers: You’re the only reason we keep the door open.

To my suspicious roommates: I lied. I did eat the BBQ Fritos.

To the Theos boy who drunkenly took a flight back to Philly from abroad: You flew commercial?

To my bitchy vegan and vegetarian roommates: Sorryimnotsorry the apartment smelled like bacon for days.

To the Linguistics PhD student subletter that lives in my house: WAKE UP, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE. Just kidding. But now that you're up, can you help my with my Linguistics homework?

To the SDT girls: Passover is over. We can eat carbs now.

To the intelligent senior in my management recitation who never wears shoes: Will licking your toes help me get a job at McKinsey?

To the girl who sends multiple e–mails to the entire Psych 001 listserv asking us to like a Facebook page for a contest: Did you win?

To the kid who rode his unicycle in the frigid rain across College Green wearing shorts: You're an inspiration to aspiring arctic circus performers everywhere.

To the Penn Museum: ‘Tis Not the End of the World if I don’t see the Maya 2012 exhibit.

To the cute girl in my Bio class: I like your glasses

To me at Penn–Princeton: I'm judging you.

To my early calc recitation on the 4th floor: Thank you for making me look out of shape.

To the TriDelt who threw up while giving me a blowjob in the woods: Thanks for finishing.

To the brother of the fraternity formerly known as AEPi who looks like a gorilla: You must be pleased with the name change.

To Harvest: I miss Marathon.

and I think we’d make a cute couple :)

To everyone: Stop playing Gangnam Style.

To all the guys in my Bio class: I TOTALLY BANGED THAT CHICK WITH THE GLASSES!

To all the alumni who still write in Shoutouts: Is it sad that we do this?

To my excessively horny housemate: I can hear you yelling and moaning every time you jerk off. You should know: if you’re making that much noise alone, you’re probably doing it wrong.

To everyone abroad: We really have no problem with you not being here. Life is way less annoying and Smoke's isn’t as crowded. How does staying for the spring semester sound?

To that SDT girl in Off The Beat: “Stay” is still stuck in my mind. As are your legs.

To the freshman guy that looks like a meatball: Stop looking so much like a meatball.

To Shoutouts: You are way less classy than Penn Compliments.

To all the people named Astrid at Penn: Why are there so many of you??!! It’s not a common name.

[Ed. note: we checked in the Penn directory…there are only two.]

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

To Skulls: If only you were called Brains.

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To St. A's: Thanks for the Romney poster during election season. Your political leanings would otherwise be a complete mystery.

To the Blonde TriDelt senior: The fact that you’re working at a Big 3 consulting firm would be more impressive if we didn’t all know Daddy bought you the job.

To our neighbors: We know you called the cops on us during Sandy. We stole your beer later, so we guess that makes us even.

To Penn Compliments: Why you gotta make us look bad? Love, Shoutouts.

To the world: Who’s ready for FISTMAS?!?!?!?!

To my history class: It’s so over and done with.

To the Vagina Monologues: Thanks for the circle jerk (rub around?) that was your cast auditions.

To the girl who is obsessed with Mongols: I would dress up as Genghis Khan for you in bed.

To the overly friendly international student across the hall: For the first month of school I thought you had a twitch. I finally realized you were just trying to wink.

To Penn Cru: Thanks for taking that shouting preacher’s place in front of Van Pelt and apologizing for religion’s evils. You’ve restored my faith in humanity.

To my roommate: He’s over you. You are never, ever, ever, getting back together.

To the person who designed FroGro: What were you smoking?

To “I can smoke more than you because I have a penis”: You can’t. Stop trying.

To Kings Court electricity: Your shortcomings have not stopped me from submitting Shoutouts.

To the pack of Penn Security Guards who thought the blue lights were part of the Septa Line: I fear for my safety.

To the men’s rugby team: Thank you for having to trade shirts between matches. Love, all women.

To all the girls, everywhere: You’re allowed to make a move, too. Feminism and all that jazz.

To my housemate who takes shits and then neither wipes nor flushes: Get your shits together.

To the freshman girl who posted a picture of herself in a recording studio: “Money Can't Buy You Class.”

To the masturbating man I pass on my runs: When are you gonna stop beating off around the bush and ask me out already?

To our friend who broke up with her boyfriend months ago: YOU BROKE UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND MONTHS AGO! To the late night cashier at FroGro: Thank you for not passing judgment as I purchase a pizza and white cheddar popcorn by myself week after week.

To my Locust housemate who made out with a homeless man on our front porch and then proceeded to give him her number when he returned the next day: Why???

To my friend who stole the eight ball from Drinker's: Is it likely that you’ll return it or should I ask again later? #JewishGrandmaGuilt

To the boy in the Radian with the one–pound Yorkie: I’m sorry for reporting you to facilities.

Next time don’t kick me out after we hook up.

To that Zete junior: we get it, you’re American, you can stop wearing red, white and blue.

To my Language and Thought Professor: The Pope is NOT a bachelor!

To the creepy guy at Tap House who told me I looked like Michelle Branch: Tell me why you're here and who you are?

To the Chi O nurse who took a shot for every raindrop during the hurricane and didn’t even get drunk: YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT. To my friend who met her lover on Twitter: I can’t even pick up a drunk guy at Kweder, let alone score in 140 characters or less. #jealous #twitstar

To the OTB musical director: You still look like Robert Pattinson.

To the new boy in OTB: You look the like the musical director.

To all the flamboyant guys who won’t come out of the closet: There’s gold at the end of this rainbow!

We love you!

To my Intro to the Bible professor: Maybe I’d come to class more often if you incorporated more of your shirtless Israel trip pics into your slides.

To Amy Gutmann: How long does it take you to iron your face in the morning?

To the Snapchat–obsessed roommate who sent me a thousand pics of her dog over Thanksgiving: That’s 3,000 seconds of I don’t give

a shit.

To the girl in the Harrison Rooftop Lounge who can’t whisper: Go die.

To the guy who works at the microfilm desk at Van Pelt: You are super cute and I was looking at that vintage porn FOR A CLASS, I promise!

To the incessant chatterbox parading as a PSCI honors student: We’ve been timing you this semester. You’ve wasted 51:09 minutes of our lives this semester. Shame on you.

To the TEP junior abroad in Israel: I quite enjoyed giving you Dome of the Cock.

as a weird poop–fetish matchmaking service...]

To the ginger who asked me to lick his butt: I’m sorry for telling your entire frat. And now I guess I’m sorry for telling the entire school.

[Ed. note: Who knew that Shoutouts could work

To that ZBT guy who licked my face at one of their parties: That’s gross. Don’t lick faces.

To the Member of the Tribe in Masala: Your matzah balls. My naan. All Friday night long.

To Mask & Wig: Can I get some chicken with all that jerk?

To the guy who comes an hour late to lecture and then leaves to get sushi to eat during lecture: I respect how few fucks you give.

To the girl who didn’t get a bid from Theta and dressed up as a Theta girl for Halloween: Stop.

People can see you.

To the super sexy Harrison GA: What are the rules about dating undergrads?

To the guys of Cru who will walk me home at any hour of the day or night, no questions asked: Thanks for showing me that chivalry isn’t dead.

To the junior girls who dressed up as “methadone clinic escapee heroine addicts at the 38th and Spruce Wawa” for Halloween: Fucking bravo.

To the Critical Writing Program: you're like Ritalin — Penn makes us take you.

To the woman I almost gave a heart attack to while flyering: Locust Walk is not for the faint of heart.

To my roommates: Stop being around so much. I need time to walk around naked.

To Bill Clinton: Your speech was so great. We finally understand how you were able to talk Monica into bed.

To Thanksgiving: You're useless! I sleep 12 hours a day and binge eat everyday anyway.

34TH STREET Magazine November 29, 2012

To Houston Market: There’s nothing like some double–sided tape to make my “paid” sticker seem brand new every time I want some food.

To that girl in the quad with the poop fetish: You can lick my butt any day.

To Greek Lady: You are the most consistent relationship I’ve had over the last four years.

To the girl who rolls her eyes at me and thinks I’m obsessed with her: Ugh, you’re right.

To the Owls kid with the Vespa: Castle just got a Segway. Step it up.

To you know who you are: I did not tell people that you asked me to lick your butt! Though I sort of wish I had at this point. You are being such a bad sport.

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To that girl on our floor who is transferring: We all know you’re a racist. We found your twitter.

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THE END IS NEAR

PENN STUDENTS SEE IT FREE! One FREE admission with PennCard

HURRY! EXHIBITION CLOSES JAN. 13

TICKETS ON SALE NOW www.penn.museum/2012 or call 215.898.4000

MAYA 2012: Lords of Time is organized by the Penn Museum and presented in partnership with the Instituto Hondureño de Antropología e Historia of the Republic of Honduras. The exhibition is made possible in part by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Humanities: Exploring the human endeavor, and additional support from the Annenberg Foundation, the Jay I. Kislak Foundation, and the Selz Foundation.

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