November 15, 2012

november 15

11

2012

3 HIGHBROW

the roundup, word on the street, overheards, dispatch

4 EGO

bottled wine

ego of the week, fall semester bucket list

6 FILM

film reviews, holiday movies, trailer of the week, moviemaker profile

8 FEATURE cheating

10 FOOD

the drink issue: byo dining hall, cheap bottled wines, brita'd vodka

12 MUSIC

album review of one direction, penn music collective, guide to open mic nights

13 ARTS

artist profile, philly art workshops, listings

14 LOWBROW

34TH STREET Magazine November 15, 2012

classifieds

2

16 BACKPAGE

classifieds

ATLAS. SHRUG.

FROMtheEDITOR

It's so rare these days that I have time to watch a movie. A class assignment that involves as much is a delicious treat — except when that movie is "Atlas Shrugged."

I kid, I kid. Any class assignment that involves watching a film is something to be treasured — even when it shows all the signs of being shot on porn sets by Video I students. I knew to expect this of "Atlas Shrugged" before I ever hit play.

The following are my notes on the opening montage, featuring a bleak vision of the United States in 2016: • America looks like the wrong end of a war zone • Everyone is poor • All of the gas is gone (but

somehow there are rampant oil spills?)

• Trains, trains, more trains • Pirates?

• Pirates.

• "Socialism" is the new "Democracy" "The good news," I wrote next, "Philly is still kicking! The bad news: this movie is terrible." I stopped taking notes then to pay better attention to what was unfolding in front of me.

The good news? I watched a movie for class that wasn't 4+ hours and in Swedish!

Small victories, friends. We can make it through the rest of this semester together.

8

14

7 holiday movies

cheating at penn

Tonight's the second–to–last writers' meeting. Come write for us, take pictures for us and/or talk to us. The clock's ticking…

WRITERS' MEETING 4015 WALNUT 6:30 P.M.

blind vodka tasting

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Elizabeth Horkley, Editor–In–Chief Joe Pinsker, Managing Editor Adrian Franco, Online Managing Editor Hilary Miller, Design Editor Chloe Bower, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Laura Francis, Asst. Photo Inna Kofman, Asst. Design Stephanie Witt, Asst. Design Paige Rubin, Highbrow Zacchiaus Mckee, Highbrow Patrick Ford–Matz, Ego Sandra Rubinchik, Ego

Katie Giarla, Ego Patrick Del Valle, Food & Drink Isabel Oliveres, Food & Drink Abigail Koffler, Food & Drink Alex Hosenball, Music Ben Bernstein, Music Kiley Bense, Music Ben Lerner, Film Samantha Apfel, Film Megan Ruben, Arts Eillie Anzilotti, Arts Faryn Pearl, Lowbrow Lizzie Sivitz, Lowbrow Colette Bloom, Back Page Zeke Sexauer, Back Page

Julia Liebergall, Copy Mariam Mahbob, Copy Amanda Shulman, Copy Cover Design: Inna Kofman Contributors: Lauren Greenberg, Madeleine Wattenbarger, Ariela Osuna, Margot Halpern, Olivia Fingerhood, David Baker, Emily Brill, Ian Bussard, Brenda Wang, Kelly Lawler, Kaitlyn Levesque, Isaac Louis Garcia, Gabby Abramowitz, Shelby Rachleff, Michelle Ma, Lois Dankwa, Jack LaViolette, Eesha Sardesai, Emily Marcus, Kimberly Schreiber, Ryan Zahalka, Ciara Stein, Shayla Cole

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Elizabeth Horkley, Editor–in–Chief, at horkley@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898–6585.

To place an ad, call (215) 898–6581.

VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "At work, if I was being too sassy, they put me in time out. I worked at the White House."

—C.B. ©2012 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a–okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

DISPATCH: WAXED FOR WOODSER

2:29 p.m.: I walk into the waxing room. Unlike my fratty peers celebrating Movember, I cannot grow a mustache. So, today I part with my pubes.

2:30 p.m.: Anthony, the man who will be ripping the hair off of my butt, taint and ballsack, enters.

2:31 p.m.: “Just strip, lie face–down here and drape the towel over yourself. I’ll be back in a minute.” Anthony turns an R&B medley on.

2:33 p.m.: There is hot wax on my butthole.

RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. 2:34 p.m.: “My friend always takes painkillers before she gets her Brazilians done, but you know, this isn’t that bad!” Kudos, Anthony.

2:36 p.m.: RIP, RIP, RIP. Anus and taint are done, y’all!

I feel chic, luxurious, like a DZine2Show “model.”

2:37 p.m.: Anthony asks me to flip over so he can do my front. “All of it?” he asks. “All of it." I want to look like a hairless Shar Pei by the end of this.

2:38 p.m.: First, the mankini line. Not so bad!

2:42 p.m.: Things take a turn for the worse: the sack.

2:43 p.m.: I turn my gaze from the ceiling fan to the wall next to me. There is a shirtless picture of Tim Tebow someone has lovingly tacked to the wall. This is the last thing I remember before– 2:45 p.m.: REST IN PEACE, SACK. 2:46 p.m.: Anthony exits. I feel like I’ve survived a Japanese horror movie. Tabard pledgemasters, take note.

2:49 p.m.: I get dressed. Ouch.

2:51 p.m.: I get out my wallet and pause. Can I bursar this? No? I hand him my card.

3:10 p.m.: Home, I hobble upstairs and Neosporin the shit out of my newly smooth toilet parts.

4:16 p.m.: I check up on my newly bald body. Was it worth it? Yes and no. Getting a Brozilian (not a typo) is not that bad, except for the scrotum waxing part. You’ll look and feel 21 years younger down there! On the other hand, and to repeat: REST IN PEACE SACK.

THEROUNDUP

at

Boy on Locust: My new thing is only checking out girls on elevated surfaces.

Girl in the Houston salad line: It’s getting serious. He saw me throw up this weekend.

I cried.

Girl on Locust: We are going to Thanksgiving dinner with my parents.

I'm putting a fatwa on the word 'cumshot.'

IN SEARCH OF TANYA

BY EMILY BRILL

I

’m hopeful every self–respecting senior has, as I do, a bucket list. I have neither the space nor chutzpah to enumerate my personal bucket list here. For those who don’t have one, take comfort in knowing that mine is too long and mostly impossible and any points of completion will surely offer little solace when it actually comes time to graduate. In thinking about how best to utilize this column to cross something off my bucket list, however, I would like to issue a formal search warrant for my apparent doppelgänger, Tanya.

If it wasn’t necessary to the comprehension of this story, I would hide the fact that I frequent Einstein’s pretty regularly. Again, I’m not proud, but I easily average two–and– a–half bagels per week. And after years of refusing to try it, I’ve recently become keen on cream cheese, which only ups my count.

The employees at Einstein’s definitely know me…but usually as Tanya. They take my order (sesame bagel, cream cheese on the side, coffee) and follow it with “Thanks, Tanya. Coming right up.” I don’t want to disappoint them, so sometimes I just oblige.

The trouble comes when I know someone in line; I feel obligated to correct the mistaken soul taking my order, and the following set of accusations almost always ensues: “You’re not Tanya? You look just like Tanya! Jenny, come over here. Doesn’t she look just like Tanya?”

Tanya might like this kind of attention, but I usually just want my bagel.

I can’t help but wonder about Tanya.

What does she order? Does she also like her cream cheese on the side? Does she use PennCash, bursar or neither? My questions have remained entirely unanswered. This is mostly because there are 87 Tanyas in the Penn Directory, which I find incredibly surprising since I’ve never met a Tanya in my life. I also find it surprising that, given both my undeniable and her apparent propensity for Einstein’s, we haven’t yet run into each other in line.

So, Tanya, if you’re out there, and if you’re reading this (possibly while eating a bagel, as I am wont to do), won’t you please get in touch with me? You’d make all my deepest bucket list wishes come true. And Tanya, I feel a kinship with you, so we can be real here: this one’s a lot easier to cross off my list than, say, hooking up with my TA. From what I can tell, he doesn’t even eat carbs.

34TH STREET Magazine Novemebr 15, 2011

It's almost here, les enfants, a time of thanks, a time of giving, a time of stuffing yourself so full with food you undergo a legitimate tryptophan attack. But remember to take some time out from holiday planning and last–minute midterm studying to appreciate the weekly gossip.

It's an international week of mourning as petty larceny abounds. Devoted Theos and OZ downtowners, boys and girls alike, wander aimlessly around campus phoneless after having them stolen last week and over the weekend. Highbrow hears that a total of over 26 phones have been stolen, some of them from safely zipped–up bags. As only Penn students were targeted, rumors have been circulating that the culprit is Penn–affiliated. But the real question is: will this hamper attendance at the next Chancellor day party?

Things got steamy over at the DZine2Show fashion show last weekend as the boys dressed up and then stripped down. The models walked the runway in their underwear in the middle of the show, despite the fact that some of the show staffers didn't seem to know it would be happening. The boys strutted their stuff in their Calvin Kleins and Hanes, making the already hot room 10 times hotter. Not that we're complaining.

over heard PENN

wordonthestreet

highbrow ego film feature food & drink music arts lowbrow

HIGHBROW

3

highbrow ego film feature food & drink music arts lowbrow

EGO

FALL SEMESTER BUCKET LIST 2

1

Freshman Year: • Drop pre–med.

• Stop hanging out with your cohort.

• Erase from your memory the knowledge of a Detailed Descriptive Outline (DDO).

• Decide Econ may not be for everyone. Specifically you.

• Check out your first book from Van Pelt.

• Pay your first library fee when you forget that you checked a book out from Van Pelt.

• Decide on your wardrobe for the next three years: V–necks or polos? Rush accordingly.

• Skip a lecture. Revel in your newfound sense of irreverence.

You’ve got a month to get these in by the December deadline. Doublespaced.

Sophomore Year: • Drop pre–med.

• BYO Commons. You know you've missed it.

• Get rejected three weeks in a row from every on–campus bar.

• Beg older friends/acquaintances who look nothing like you to give you their ID. • Facebook creep to try to determine which juniors have the prettiest abroad pictures.

Decide where you want to go abroad accordingly.

• Start planning your career trajectory, as this is totally normal for a 19–year–old.

hummus grill 34TH STREET Magazine November 15, 2012

make it a feast!

4

3

Junior Year: • Drop Pre–Med. • BYO your lecture classes.

• Savor your last few weeks of freedom from non–stop bragging about "the croissants in Paris" and "the freedom and cultural diversity" of Amsterdam.

• Be a cougar. Slim pickings.

• Have you already secured a Goldman job?

- If yes, fist–pumping and bottle service downtown.

- If no, give up.

4

Senior Year: • Regret not dropping Pre–Med. • BYO your 10–person seminar.

• Take a class that fulfills absolutely nothing. Did someone say ceramics?

• When selecting your final semester's courseload, don't choose any classes that are rated higher than a 1.9 rating on Penn Course Review.

• Take a friend to formal. You've exhausted all potential sexual partners.

• Finally get that picture with A–Gut at her holiday party.

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This piece was originally supposed to be an interview with Engineering senior Sophia Stylianos — sorority president, soccer player and senior society aficionado. It somehow became a promotional ad for Bobby’s Burger Palace.

Street: What activities are you involved with on campus?

Sophia Stylianos: I’m President of Sigma Kappa, I’m former Captain, current Webmistress, of the women’s club soccer team, I’m a trip leader for Engineers Without Borders, I am rush chair for the Hexagon senior society and I’m in Omega and Friars. I also do Advancing Women in Engineering.

Street: If Omega, Hexagon and Friars got into a fight, who would win?

SS: Any answer I give, I’m going to get backlash. I would have to say Hexagon because I think we feel like we have more to prove.

So we’re going to be scrappy.

We’re going to whip out some calipers and a protractor or two so we can just, like…shove it.

Street: What’s it like being a girl in Engineering?

SS: Lots of men for the picking.

I’ve gotten asked out on dates in the machine shop before. It’s funny because when I’m in the machine shop, I’m in closed– toed shoes, hair in a ponytail, goggles. And they’re like, “So… Would you want to have dinner at some point?”

Street: What’s the best part about being president of your sorority?

SS: I don’t have to feel bad about sending a million emails a day, most of which are DFMO pictures.

Street: How does that compare to being captain of a girls sports team?

SS: Sorority president is like a 24/7 job. Club soccer captain is… not.

Street: There are two types of people at Penn…

SS: People who have a Rewards card at Bobby’s

Burgers and people who don’t enjoy fine dining. It’s free, and I have gotten like five free burgers.

It’s awkward because that means I’ve spent $500 at Bobby’s.

Street: How is living in the sorority house with sophomores?

SS: It’s great.

We watch a lot of "The Challenge," and they judge me when I’m vomming. I once came home obliterated, and I called my senior friend and said, “You need to

come to SK right now!” Because I wasn’t going to have the sophomores take care of me. So, I do this thing when I’m drunk where I say, “Take me to the hospital!” Because, you know, the thought of having an IV and not having to worry about anything is so much better than making myself throw up. So a sophomore was in the room at the time while I was saying that, and she was like, “We were about to MERT you, but your friend was just sitting at the table casually doing homework.”

Street: Which "Friends" character are you most like?

SS: Phoebe, because I like to play guitar and make up songs.

In high school, I wrote a five–minute musical. I was a senior at the time, and I wrote about two freshman girls.

It was their first day of high school, and they were waiting in line at lunch.

I actually don’t want to give away t h e ending.

Street: What were you like in high school?

SS: We moved to Miami from Northern Jersey after eighth grade, and

the first two years were awful.

At the beginning of freshman year, a girl headed me at a soccer tournament and broke my nose, and I had to wear a brace on my face for two weeks. People would go up to my sister and be like, “Did you see that girl with the nose brace?” And she’d be like, “Nope.”

back, work for NASA. Then retire and become a middle/ high school science teacher, and instead of having a skeleton in my classroom, I would have my space suit. Then I’ll retire again, and by this time I’m like…84– ish, and I will become a mail carrier, because dream dream job? Mail carrier.

Street: What’s your dream job, all obstacles aside?

SS: Can I give you my dream job sequence? So it would be work a little bit, engineering in a developing world. Then come

Street: Describe yourself in under five words.

SS: Bobby’s Burger Palace.

34TH STREET Magazine Novemebr 15, 2011

Street: What do you think is the best dining spot on campus to have a date?

SS: Well if anyone ever asks me to Bobby’s Burger Palace, they are guaranteed something afterwards.

Street: Do you have a secret weapon?

SS: I have this move whenever I’m home and my whole family is watching TV. I call it the 360 Flying Moon. So when everyone is watching TV, I come in from the left (it’s my strong side), run into the room and do a 360 spin jump move in the air where I just show a flash of butt. If this is printed, my mother will literally disown me. Our Vice President of Membership might also disown me. Who wants to join the sorority of the president who does the 360 Flying Moon?

highbrow ego film feature food & drink music arts lowbrow

EGOOF THE WEEK SOPHIA STYLIANOS

Check out Sophia's five–minute musical at 34st.com!

5

highbrow ego film feature food & drink music arts lowbrow

FILM

FILM REVIEWS

“HITCHCOCK” TREADS ON OLD TERRITORY

“LIFE OF PI” ROARS TO LIFE

BY KELLY LAWLER

BY KAITLYN LEVESQUE Sacha Gervasi’s “Hitchcock” is the latest installment in a string of films that flirt with Hollywood nostalgia and the golden age of cinema. It is a biopic centered on The Master of Suspense, Alfred Hitchcock, as he rides on the success of his latest film “North–by–Northwest” while struggling to remain in control of his marriage and career as he embarks on the making of “Psycho.”

For a subject that is so enticing, “Hitchcock” falls surprisingly flat. Although Gervasi tries, through a remarkably Hitchcockian approach, to gain insight into the man behind the name, he ultimately fails to achieve anything of particular significance. Mr. Hitchcock is understood to be a troubled man, but the reasoning behind this paranoia lacks depth and never quite extends beyond the level of basic entertainment.

While “Hitchcock” more than stands on its own, it feels very similar to last year’s “My Week with Marilyn,” which detracts from the overall impact of the film. That being said, Anthony Hopkins’s portrayal of the notorious director is fascinating to watch and will surely garner him nominations in the upcoming awards season.

“Hitchcock” is undoubtedly an entertaining film, especially for anyone who is familiar with the man and his work, but if you’re looking for excitement, you’d be better off watching an original Hitchcock film.

Directed by Sacha Gervasi Starring Anthony Hopkins, Helen Mirren, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel

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A man and a tiger alone on a lifeboat. It was never supposed to work as a film. There’s too much solitude, too much internal narration, too much tiger for a live animal or believable CGI. It was a great book, but it was never supposed to be a great film.

Enter Ang Lee, the Oscar– winning director of “Brokeback Mountain.” Using stunning visuals and a unique storytelling structure, Lee makes it work. The film, as the title indicates, focuses on Pi, an Indian man whose family owns a zoo. When they decide to move to Canada and bring the animals with them on a freighter, the ship sinks and Pi is left alone on a lifeboat with a tiger. But it’s not just about the shipwreck.

It’s about Pi’s whole life, from how he got his odd name to his first love. By the time we get to the lifeboat, the film has earned the solitude, the silence and the CGI tiger.

The visuals are captivating, as Lee treats even the most ordinary shot as a work of art. He does James Cameron one better, shooting without as much CGI and relying on the shimmering ocean and the beauty of animals and India. The 3D he does use is not employed as a gimmick but instead as a way to put you in Pi’s place, to see what he sees and feel what he feels. And you do. That’s why the film is so powerful.

Directed by Ang Lee Starring Suraj Sharma, Tabu, Adil Hussein, Irrfan Khan

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34TH STREET Magazine November 15, 2012

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Grab a cup of eggnog and check out the rest of our holiday movie faves

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@ 34st.com

It may only be November, but we know you’ve already queued up your Christmas playlist on Spotify. To help get your Netflix in order, Street is taking a pre–Thanksgiving look at some of our favorite holiday movies and sharing the memories they helped create.

“A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” Thanksgiving was difficult for me as a six–year–old fat kid. Sure, there was food, but I’d have rather been playing Starcraft.

Instead I was forced to interact with all these people that my parents assured me were my extended family. So many aunts, uncles and cousins all occupying the same house gave me no opportunity for a quick Zerg rush.

So how did I endure? With that one saving grace that shut everyone up: TV. “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” seemed like relief at first. But then Woodstock carved and ate a turkey. A turkey! I had never heard of cannibalism at that point, but seeing Woodstock happily eat his own kin shook me to the bone. I wept bitter tears, but my family just laughed. What did they find so goddamned funny? Fat kid or not, I didn’t touch the turkey that year.

—Isaac Louis Garcia

"Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol” Every Christmas Eve my dad’s family gets together at my uncle’s house to celebrate. Many years ago, my cousins and I were all kids who put on Santa plays and had football tournaments in the backyard — and always watched “Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol” on VHS on my uncle’s old fuzzy TV. Now we’re all grown up (mostly), and we drink wine and talk about college and jobs and life, but we still watch “Mr. Magoo.” There’s something about this particular kids’ flick that sticks with us more than all the stop–motion Santa movies or even the holiday films that actually made it into theaters. Every year we pop that same VHS in and watch the man with the squinty eyes sing his way through the Charles Dickens classic, complete with “razzleberry dressing” and the scariest ghost of Christmas future ever. We still play football too, only now my uncles can only really last a few minutes before one of them can’t breathe anymore. I guess movies are an easier tradition to keep as you get older.

—Kelly Lawler

“Home Alone” Every New Year’s Eve as a kid, my mom and dad would sweep off in a cloud of perfume and cologne to their cocktail parties, leaving my sister and I with five blissful hours of freedom, a TV and no babysitter in sight. Naturally, we watched “Home Alone.”

We lived vicariously through Kevin’s adventures, imagining ourselves using kitchen utensils to make traps even Jigsaw would have approved of. (Think a creme brulee torch tied to a butcher knife.) We longed to be adults and go grocery shopping and eat ice cream for dinner.

This year, I’ll watch “Home Alone” with my sister as usual, but we’ll probably be playing a drinking game ("Take a shot every time someone says 'Christmas'"). We’ll live vicariously through Kevin, wishing we were little kids again, just waiting for Santa Claus to show up.

On the bright side, we’ll probably be eating ice cream for dinner.

—Brenda Wang

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HOLIDAY FILMS: STREET TAKES A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE

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I

f you’re looking for a morality piece on cheating, then you should know that I find morals as boring as ethics, which are as boring as laws, which are as boring as anything that takes itself too seriously and pretends to be concrete.

During the late summer, representatives from Harvard University announced an ongoing investigation of a cheating scandal involving a slew of “Introduction to Congress” take–home exams with similar answers — some recent graduates were threatened with having their diplomas revoked. Students claimed the professor to be capricious in his behavior and his assessments. This merits summary despite the fact that many readers probably know the story, because Penn students tend to react to prestige Pavlov–style, are often concerned with things such as “the value of their education,” and (because I mentioned Pavlov, and should complete the metaphor) Harvard is a school over which many kids here secretly salivate.

I’m separating myself from the students described above to maintain a journalistic sense of objectivity.

Intending to broach the subject of cheating by talking to Penn undergraduates who have been charged and subjected to the disciplinary process, I read articles on the aforementioned scandal to make myself feel more productive. I subsequently tried to find people willing to relate what must have been a weird experience (with anonymity) to a stranger.

I will log these attempts here. My first inquiry stemmed from a random encounter in the Starbucks under 1920 Commons; I ran into a girl pre–gaming a Penn football game with a cup of alcoholic coffee, who told me she knew several athletes who were accused of academic dishonesty and subsequently treated to year–long suspensions. A follow–up via text message went unanswered.

During my second day of conducting research, a friend told me

he knew multiple students who had been disciplined for academic dishonesty. When I asked again, my friend realized that these were all people he knew from high school.

To give some background: The Office of Student Conduct is responsible for fielding complaints regarding violations of Penn’s Code of Academic Integrity, a document that lists several types of violations.

You probably know of these, even if you haven’t been educated explicitly — cheating, plagiarism, fabrication, multiple submission (more commonly termed “self–plagiarism”), misrepresenting academic records, facilitating academic dishonesty and unfair advantage. Anybody, whether a University member or otherwise, may make a complaint against a student, which may then be resolved in a number of different ways.

Students may have an advisor present during all parts of the disciplinary process, and this advisor can either be a student, an administrator, or a professor. The most obvious correlative to an advisor is a lawyer; I was initially quick to connect the disciplinary process in its entirety to the criminal process, although the OSC differs in both the degree of its sanctions as well as the burden of its proof. OSC director Michelle Goldfarb noted that the committee’s standard for condemning students is “clear and convincing evidence.”

“It’s not as high as ‘beyond a reasonable doubt,’ like in criminal cases, but it’s a pretty high standard.” Once the OSC obtains such evidence, it “propose[s] a resolution to the student, and if the student accepts responsibility, and accepts the consequence that [they]’ve proposed, then that ends the matter.” If the student fails to accept sanctions, and any attempts at compromise, then he or she is put before a panel consisting of a Disciplinary Hearing Officer as

well as faculty members and other students. The students are drawn from the University Honor Council, a group whose purpose is a) to serve as an undergraduate voice on the panel and b) to educate undergraduates about academic integrity.

Worried that my research was becoming dry, I e–mailed the 34th Street listserv, asking if someone had academically dishonest friends, and received no replies.

Senior Sharon Roth, co–chair of the University Honor Council, became involved with disciplinary hearings because, she said, laughing, she’s “a really big fan of honesty.”

Roth gave me some semantic information about the panel while treading what seemed to be her main purpose in the conversation: to avoid saying something she shouldn’t. She spoke at length about the confidential nature of the hearings. I soon began pursuing something deeper.

On whether a particular case had ever struck her as unfair or biased, she said “people have always tried their best to be fair and unbiased.”

On whether a case ever seemed to be less than black–and–white, she said “even when things seem black–and– white, it’s still a difficult decision, because you’re talking about, like, a person, a student, and you’ve heard their whole story...”

“We’re all coming to Penn,” Roth said, “because we like to learn.”

When I mentioned that certain forms of learning, such as using a paid tutor, might point to huge inequalities, Roth responded by saying that using a paid tutor is “something you’re doing to advance your own personal knowledge,” while traditional forms of academic dishonesty are “the standard examples of what’s wrong.”

OSC director Michelle Goldfarb answered my questions thoughtfully. On the day we met, a friend told me he knows someone who was disciplined for cheating, and is highly reluctant to talk about it. My friend was right; his attempts as a liaison amounted to nothing. The following day, someone else told me about a similar prospect, a mutual acquaintance, which also fell through.

Goldfarb met me in a conference room outside of her office, in the Duhring Wing, a red brick building south of Fisher Fine Arts. She claimed that the “plurality” of cases involving academic dishonesty are plagiarism cases, discovered by using electronic search engines; generally, the most common sources of proof are “documentary evidence” and “conversations with people.”

Goldfarb described a typical case: “Let’s say somebody is seen bringing notes into a class and cheating on an exam,” she began, “then what we would do is talk to the person who allegedly saw them; we would try to look at the exam; we would see whether or not the notes were gathered from the student. There would be witnesses, basically.”

The concerns that word–of–mouth evidence raises in such a community — that a student might accuse another out of competitiveness regarding, say, a job search, or the course itself — didn’t faze her. “I can’t think of an occasion when we have had a student accuse another student of academic dishonesty,” Goldfarb said. “It almost always comes from the faculty.” Before I left, we spoke briefly about a bioengineering class that ran an in–class workshop on academic integrity, which Goldfarb holds as a paradigm for educating students. Then the conversation shifted away from chatter about the imminent hurricane, how hot the room was, etc. I mentioned off– hand that I would surely flunk a bioengineering course. Goldfarb agreed that she would, too. We would be

honest about our work, though, she said, her tone lightly admonishing.

Absolutely, I said. Or at least try, she said, and I laughed.

Penn’s Tutoring Center provides a host of options to students struggling in their classes, which are free and range from student–helmed discussion groups to private one– on–one tutoring. Private tutors are notoriously difficult to hire; another network, of more conventionally private academic help, makes sense for people with the funds. The math department even provides a list of “department approved private tutors,” who range in hourly rate from $25 to $60. These tutors are mostly graduate students, while all tutors provided by the Tutoring Center are undergraduates. As I tried to make sense of the largely invisible infrastructure of students offering paid help, I found the options to be overwhelming and the willingness to discuss cheating to be mostly non–existent. For Tutor #1, who e– mailed me a defensive and unnecessarily angry note on why he refused to speak — I will cease writing about him immediately, because this man is concerned with his reputation.

Tutor #2 claimed he knew nothing about cheating, but mentioned the variety of free services he provides, as a TA — Sunday night reviews, office hours — and joked about one instance in which a student wasn’t attending his office hours, but was rather paying a department member who shares his office for tutoring. Another person, an editor for this magazine, did me the favor of e–mailing several listservs about my cheating story, and received one response, from a girl whose friend was disciplined for cheating. The friend wouldn’t speak to me, but the girl mentioned that she used a tutor, for Math 114, and paid this person $40

an hour for his or her services.

I spoke with one tutor at length, who I will disguise with the pseudonym “Tutor #3.” This tutor mentioned the strange inclination of Penn students to gravitate toward paid help — “there is a syndrome at Penn,” he said, “that if you’re paying for something, it must be better.”

The tutor’s clients are generally “a little bit passive,” and though they vary greatly, he mentioned multiple times a contingent that is “completely lost and need everything explained to them,” and another who wants someone to “hold their hand through the process of doing homework.” Students have e–mailed Tutor #3 at least once regarding the completion of a take–home exam, in its entirety, for pay, though the specific case he recalled involved a student whom Tutor #3 is pretty sure didn’t go to Penn. “I’m sure a student like this,” explained Tutor #3, “if he asks enough people, he will find someone. Not that I know someone in this department that might do it.”

And then I got to the crux of my interview: what interests me, I began, is the contrast between blatant violations of academic integrity (cheating, etc.) and the sort of allowed behaviors that give students a leg up (using a paid academic tutor).

I asked: Where do you think the line is between using wiles (a resource that is free and meritocratic) to advance yourself in a class, and using money? How does one demonstrate more integrity than the other? Tutor #3 smiled as if he suddenly knew how predictable I am, then said something about how “life is unfair.” In the middle, he turned his head, reconsidered: “one thing that’s a little bit unfair…students who get help with their homework will really do much better on the homework.”

He again made reference to the “two groups” of students, suddenly referring to one as “rich kids who are used to getting help.”

The only relevant example of cheating I encountered was from a friend, who would remove the letterhead from problem sets and bring them to a free economics tutor provided by the Tutoring Center. Such tutors apparently sign contracts regarding helping with graded homework, another advantage to paying for tutoring. This tutor would ask him if the problem set was graded homework for the class, he would say No — she apparently knew he was lying — and would subsequently hold his hand through every problem. My friend also mentioned that, during a recent midterm (for a Criminology class, ironically), he saw students on either side of him blatantly cheating by looking at hand–outs and smartphones during the test. As to those caught — I don’t know where they are, what happened to them, whether their friends are lying and they’ve been shipped to work camps under Duhring.

Anything might seem shady when people keep this quiet. It occurs to me at the end of this non–existent investigation how lame and predictable it is to write a piece about writing a piece (just like, say, making judgments about whether someone’s work can be judged fairly, but I suppose opinions on this differ).

Though I failed, the work was my own, so I guess that’s good. And I should have been able to suspect what would happen when I tried to contrast those presumptuous enough to define integrity, and those (still presumptuous) tragically unwilling to recognize its existence: I received a few knowing glances, and nothing beyond.

Daniel Felsenthal is a senior and former Street editor from Chicago, IL. He is an English major with a concentration in Creative Writing.

34TH STREET Magazine Novemebr 15, 2011

34TH STREET Magazine November 15, 2012

BY DANIEL FELSENTHAL

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WHO'S AFRAID OF ACADEMIC DISHONESTY? MOST PEOPLE, APPARENTLY.

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34

ST

FOOD&DRINK FILM

How Penn Students Watch Movies

HANGOVER FOR THE DESPERATE DO YOU PAYCURES PER VIEW?

Borrow from Library

Because “moderation” andhow “staying areSunday for weaklings.

Here are alternatives, with no guarantees.

Don't Watch Movies 24.6% Film polled you to find out you arehydrated” getting your afternoon

BY RYAN ZAHALKA Theaters movie fixes. Here’s what we learned. BY ANTHONY KHAYKIN

T

Free Streaming hough we all know the watch Hugo in theaters. And we you guess then that Penn stu47.7% 16.9% Paid Online Services Internet is for porn fit this mold of overworked Ivy dents would prefer to get their (thanks Avenue Q), the League students well, with only RomCom fix online with free "DEATH THEtheAFTERNOON" bedroom is noIN longer only about 17% of Penn undergrads streaming websites like SideReel COFFEE AND CIGARETTES Though its inventor isn’t the movies best source 9.2% area being ceded to digitalprobably terri- watching at the Rave ev- and Ch131 rather than pay for The grad student sitting across drinking Ernest Hemingway’s tory.forFor every girladvice, with daddy’s ery semester. "Death services provided by Netflix and from me as I typed this swore in the Afternoon" gets on props for “hair the of other ste- Redbox?

AmEx, window browsing Buttaking how about the1.5% only thing that can get her theAvenue dog” to whole new level.

“Pourthe 1 one jigger Fifth hasabeen replaced reotype, thatofsays all colWhile 75% of us watch movon her feet is three cigarettes and a champagne icedare chamwithabsinthe online into shopping.

And glass. lege Add students poor? The free ies online, nearly 50% pay for a cup of strong Turkish coffee. pagne until it attains the proper opalescent milkiFYEs everywhere have virtu- movement of information made it. I hear Horrible Bosses — a Why do you go toThat’s…actually the movies? really sexy. three to five of these slowly.” ally ness. been Drink rendered useless (pun possible by the interweb makes new release on iTunes — is hys3.1% 6.3% intended) with the existence of terical, but is Other Whose recommendations do you take? the multifarious iTunes store. it worth the It's a way to hang out with friends 25% 50 Things are no different here 1.5 salads at 47.7% Other It's a good study break 40.6% at Penn, where the Rave gets Sweetgreen 40% 40 A Friend It makes you feel relaxed and happy nearly half the traffic for the it would Cinema Studies 25% midnight screenings of blockhave cost if Required for Class 30 Major 26.2% 25% 25% THEit FRESHMAN SOLUTION buster hits like Twilight as Hulu I had seen Professor or TA "MOTHER’S MILK" (A.K.A. "THE RAMOS GIN FIZZ") Out of the handful of freshmen I accosted in 20 does the day after the newest of the Street of gin, in theaters?

A favorite smooth Frank Sinatra, this mixture episode of 30 Rock lemon airs. This Ramenfront noo- of Hill’s dining hall, four said sleep was 10 juice, egg whites, sugar, heavy cream, *Students surveyed were juice, lime orange their themovies, morning jim–jams, allowed to choose more makes sense. We Penn students dles aren’t cure es for seven more or less,two swore flower water and soda water is guaranteed to make your than one option. head by the Hill brunch omelet and one insisted chug0 are too busy procrastinating I every semester. Simple arithmering–a–ding–ding all the way to the nearest porcelain throne. that bad, ging two Vitamin Waters before bed on Penn InTouch and designguess. tic proves that it’s $40 cheaperwas a good idea.

Your bladder is movies not impressed. ing funny lacrosse pinnies for entertainment accessible and The average Penn student to watch said on Netflix the clubs we’re involved in to inexpensive to anyone with an (who is anything but average, if than at the Rave, and an addileave the comfort of our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watch- tional $20 less on iTunes (cost of popcorn and Mike and Ikes not included in these calculations). The low cost of watching seven movies on iTunes for >> Total amount of less than 30 bucks is worth the money spent in movie many conveniences that online theaters* by Penn paid services afford us: not bestudents each semester ing interrupted by incessant buffering and commercials, the One freshman’s quest to make 12–dollar immunity to computer viruses and most importantly, not hav-drinkable. vodka ing to wait 54 minutes after >> Total amount of watching 72 minutes of a movie money spent watching on Megavideo. online, if all people who Not to mention, it’s a small paid for online services price to pay when you look at Dine-In, Catering & Delivery used iTunes* the big picture — the combined savings of the 47.7% of Penn Happy Hour: Mon-Fri 5-7 students who pay for their online services rather than going to the Lunch Special: Mon-Fri $8.95 movie theater is somewhere between $196,136 and $295,344, >> Total amount of Early Bird: Sun-Thur $10.95 depending on whether they trying use tomoney Like medieval chemists turn lead to gold, such was spent watching Netfl ix oriniTunes, my task trying respectively. to find a way to transmute Banker'swho Club online, if all people Moral thesomething story is: weworthy won't of being vodka of into inside a human being. paid for online services judge youIjust stay in To doif so, turned to bed. a long–timeused ally of the college student: Netflix* the Brita filter. The results? Surprisingly, the taste was notice*A smoother. simple random PattayaRestaurant.com • 215.387.8533 ably This issample important stuff, folks. Maybe stealing the Rave of 100 Penn undergrads were that handle from a frat last Friday *$12.50/ticket night wasn’tatsuch a bad idea 4006 Chestnut Street • University City *$3.99 to rent a movie on iTunes surveyed to collect data about after all. *$7.99/month on Netflix their film viewing habits.

BY THE NUMBERS

$153,701 MYTHBUSTERS:

34TH STREET Magazine December November 1, 15,2011 2012

DORM ROOM ALCHEMY

8 10

$196,136

+

$295,344

Take it to the next level: all you need is some water bottles and a couple extra ingredients. BY EMILY MARCUS

WHAT TO DRINK? Cosmo: If you want to add some "Sex and the City" sophistication to your next dining hall meal and sip it with your favorite ladies.

BRING Vodka (preferably something a bit classier than Vladdy or Banker’s Club)

ADD

We're drinking beer out of bathtubs tonight, and you can read all about it tomorrow at 34st.com.

Fill with cranberry juice, and squeeze in juice from 2 lime slices.

Bailey’s Coffee Float: A sweet yet sinful way to end your (questionable) meal.

Bailey’s Irish Cream

Fill halfway with coffee, add desired amount of milk, then add two packets of sugar and a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Mint Tea Fauxjito: A refreshing pick–me–up for a hard week.

White Rum

Brew mint tea, and pour over ice. Add seltzer, and squeeze juice from a few lime slices.

Mimosa: The perfect complement to your waffle or omelet during Sunday brunch at Hill.

Champagne

Fill with orange juice.

John Daly: Transport yourself to the golf course during your next meal at Commons: spike your Arnold Palmer.

Whiskey

Fill with equal parts Lemonade and Iced Tea.

OUT OF THE BOX: BOTTLED WINES UNDER $15 Or, how to impress people at your next BYO.

BY KIMBERLY SCHREIBER

2010 ELSA BIANCHI MALBEC ($9): Even if you didn’t go abroad this semester, you can still impress your worldly friends with this Argentinian number. This jammy, hearty red will compliment any meat–centric entrée, like the lamb shank at Aksum.

@34st Phila Flea Markets Presents

THE SPRING GARDEN INDOOR ANTIQUE & VINTAGE FLEA MARKET 1st & 3rd Saturday of Every Month November thru March Former Fed Ex Service Center 820 Spring Garden Street (9th & Spring Garden) 19123

Next Market is This Saturday, November 17th 8AM til 4PM (But Early Birds Are Welcome)

2010 JEAN–LUC COLOMBO CAPE BLEUE ROSÉ COTEAUX D’AIX–EN– PROVENCE ($12): Ideal for a picnic by the Schuylkill (if you can stand the stench, that is) or snacks in high rise field, this mild, crisp rosé sure beats the questionable pink water that comes out of a Franzia box.

More Than 50 Vendors From The Tri-State Area Featuring Antiques, Collectibles, Vintage Furniture, Jewelry, Clothing & Accessories, Glassware, Pottery & Much More!

Free Parking /Free Admission ATM/Food Court/Handicap Accessible

Our Vendors Accept Major Credit Cards 2010 TRUMPETER TORRONTES ($12): Not just for the ladies, this South American white’s zesty, vibrant notes brilliantly harmonize with any spicy cuisine. To help you handle the heat, tote it along to your next BYO at Banana Leaf or Han Dynasty in Old City.

More Info:

34TH STREET Magazine Novemebr 15, 2011

2009 BARAHONDA MONASTRELL ($12): This full–bodied red is rife with the intense, earthy flavors of a much more expensive wine; perfect to avoid eye rolls at a classy joint like Matyson or Pumpkin.

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MORE THAN JUST RUM+COKE: A GUIDE TO DINING HALL BYOS

215-625-FLEA (3532) www.PhilaFleaMarkets.org

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MUSIC

COLLECTIVE THEM ALL

Tonight, Penn Music Collective is hosting a showcase with SPEC and the Undergraduate Media and Entertainment Club at the Rotunda, featuring four Penn–affiliated acts. Admission is free but all donations collected will go to the Vagina Monologues. Slow Dance Chubby aside, Street gives you the lowdown on the performers you might not know.

BY KILEY BENSE AND ALEX HOSENBALL

Marigolds Founded in 2009, Marigolds are insistent on the fact that they’re a “rock band from Philadelphia,” plain and simple, no frills or complications. There’s a big gulf between a run–of–the–mill rock band and a really great rock band — it might seem easy to churn out reliably solid rock and roll songs, but in reality, it almost never is. To a large extent, though, Marigolds succeed terrifically at their stated goal, as singer Lucy Stone’s assured vocals guide you through Marigolds’ catchy melodies and stomp–worthy, crunchy guitar choruses.

LISTEN: "Pop Song" Rail 3 Known as Penn’s longest–running band, Rail 3 consists of Wharton professor Nick Gonedes and his rotating band of both Drexel and Penn students. Though the lineup may have changed several times over their 15+ years, and the band may be limited to a few appearances each year, they’re one of Penn’s most curious institutions. Watch Nick “Rock Doc” Gonedes prescribe some shreds tonight (and check out last year’s feature on them on 34st.com).

LISTEN: Their cover of "Sympathy for the Devil" Sarah Lindstedt Singer–songwriter Sarah Lindstedt hails from California (as have many before her) and seems to be a product of the YouTube generation. Thankfully, despite the low production values on some of her tracks, Lindstedt sings smoothly, in an alto akin to a softer version of Feist. Lindstedt has great potential, and she’s sure to put on a soothing performance this evening.

LISTEN: "Gatsby’s Lament"

34TH STREET Magazine November 15, 2012

ALBUM REVIEWS

12

ONE DIRECTION — "TAKE ME HOME" Every fangirl’s dream has come true. One Direction has come out with a new album.

Throughout “Take Me Home,” it becomes clear how much the boys have matured. The raunchy “I want you to rock me, rock me, rock me, yeah” and “Don’t let the pictures leave your phone, ohhhh” are exemplary of One Direction’s transition to more PG–13 lyrics.

Expect the tearjerker “Little Things” to be slow–danced to at spring formals. The boys’ angelic voices are particularly showcased in the modern–day Romeo–and–Juliet “They Don’t Know About Us." The rest of the album is predictable bubblegum pop. Even N*Sync would be impressed.

— Ariela Osuna

NIGHTS OUT Rail 3’s Nick Gonedes (see "Collective Them All") holds regular Open Mic Nights, so you can get up on stage and belt out “I Will Always Love You” if you really want. Ready to make a fool of yourself sooner?

Check out some of Philadelphia’s other Open Mic spots below.

World Cafe Live 3025 Walnut St. http://philly.worldcafelive.com/ Mondays @ 7 p.m. (1st, 3rd & 4th wk./mo.)

Want the whole Penn community to hear your jazz rendition of “Firework?” Then walk on over to World Cafe Live and groove within earshot — we promise Street won’t hold nightly stakeouts to discover or deride your talents.

Jolly’s American Beer Bar 3801 Chestnut St. http://jollysbeerandpianos.com/ Tuesdays @ 8 p.m. (1st & 3rd wk./mo.)

Forget World Cafe, Jolly’s is even closer to campus, and even features dueling pianos! Bring your two favorite pianists and do an overly elaborate duet — preferably a beautiful piece of classical music with the wind ensemble provided by your whistling.

HeadHouse 122 Lombard St. http://www.headhousephilly.com/ Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. (Weekly)

Though the HeadHouse may have an extensive sushi menu (and classes!), there is no J–Pop requirement. Really, you could sing whatever you want, but if we don’t hear some Hikaru Utada we might be a little disappointed.

McGillin’s Olde Ale House 1310 Drury St. http://www.mcgillins.com/home.htm Thursdays @ 9 p.m. (Weekly)

Looking for a more historical experience? Drop

by McGillin's, conveniently located right next to City Hall. A historic spot with a great beer selection, Open Mic at McGillin’s means you have to bring your best patriotic A–game; just don't be a bomb bursting in air.

— Alex Hosenball

(ART)

IN PHILLY

If Penn’s Fine Arts classes never seem to make it from your course cart to your final schedule, Arts has picked out some local classes that’ll let you follow your artistic dreams without killing your GPA (or requiring you to set up a bed in Addams). BY CIARA STEIN iPhone Photography When: Saturday, Nov. 17 3 p.m. – 6 p.m.

Where: Philadelphia Photo Arts Center (philaphotoarts.org) Tuition: $60 Muploads are pretty much a daily staple of Penn life — we are either taking them, starring in them or Facebook–stalking them. If you accept this fact and are sick of blurry, unflattering pictures, there is a class to solve this pressing problem.

Recording Classes When: Saturdays, 10 a.m.

Where: Guitar Center at Plymouth Meeting, PA (guitarcenter.com) Tuition: Free (!)

For all you aspiring musicians and DJs, these classes are perfect — not to mention free. They run on a four– week rotation, with the next round starting on December 1. Don’t worry if you can’t make it one week — the classes are ongoing and you can register at any point. Who knows, you might end up being the next Jimi Hendrix (or Tiesto, if that floats your boat).

Papercut Cards: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Pagan Holidays!

When: Wednesdays, 3 p.m. – 6 p.m.

Where: Fleisher Art Memorial (fleisher.org)

Tuition: $35

Nicole Teow Check out an extended interview and works by poet Nicole Teow online @34st.com

I draw inspiration from the daily happenings of life. The little things that you notice when you’re walking to class, the grander emotions when your life feels bulldozed over, the ephemeral moments in transit when you’re on a plane/train and have all the time in the world to think.

SPOTLIGHT: 9 PERSPECTIVES ON A PHOTOGRAPHY COLLECTION A taste of Penn’s elusive photography collection is on view at the Arthur Ross Gallery.

BY EILLIE ANZILOTTI There’s something about a place like Penn that makes you feel like there’s always more to discover. Maybe a secret passageway in Van Pelt (let’s be honest, probably not), or some urban legend dating back to the time when people strolled around in wigs. Or maybe, a collection of some 800 photographs, rarely displayed to the public, by some of the 20th century's premier artists.

That last one, at least, is true, and the new exhibit at the Arthur Ross Gallery (in Fisher Fine Arts Library), “9 Perspectives on a Photography Collection,” is a chance to see a slice of the elusive images. The show, which runs through January 27 and exclusively displays photographs from Penn’s collection, came about after Lynn Marsden–Atlass, University curator and the Gallery's director, asked Gabriel Martinez, photographer and senior lecturer in Penn Design and Fine Arts, to go

through the images and guest– curate the show.

Starting in September 2011, Martinez sifted through and documented every photo in Penn’s collection. But, come time for the exhibit, Martinez decided to take it a step further, and invited eight of his colleagues to curate their own portions of the show within the larger exhibit.

So really, it’s nine shows within one, with each co–curator describing their views on a collection of images that speak to their own artistic vision. The effect is one of both diversity and cohesion, with the 90 images in the show working as parts of larger and smaller wholes. With works by the likes of Ralph Gibson, Garry Winogrand and W. Eugene Smith on display, you’ll be blown away by the strength of the images, but also, perhaps, left wondering why such powerful photographs have so often been left in the dark.

34TH STREET Magazine Novemebr 15, 2011

CVS has broken out the holiday decor, so it’s clearly time to start getting into the spirit of the season. Whether you prefer menorahs or Christmas trees, this class is the perfect way to rediscover your third grade snowflake–making skills.

Screen Printing on Clay and T–Shirts When: Sunday, Dec. 2, 10 a.m. – 1 p.m.

Where: The Clay Studio (theclaystudio.org) Tuition: $50 The ideal way to ensure you won’t be wearing the same thing as everyone else is to make it yourself. This class, open to all levels, covers all the basics of screen printing. Each student will have the chance to print his or her own design on to a T–shirt and a plate.

With the holidays right around the corner, having an arsenal of hand– printed plates for gifts looks pretty appealing.

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ARTS

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LOWBROW

Need an apartment? A job? A lover? Then the classifieds are for you! Take a browse through these listings and see if something catches your eye.

FOR RENT 1BR APARTMENT, 3401 HONEY NUT ST. Cozy basement, intimate living space. Furnished with shackles, various chains. Rent until June. Stay forever.

1 BR. 42ND & APPLE. $200/month.

Penthouse suite! So cheap! 74th floor.

Keep in shape and take the stairs! You have to, because the elevator is currently broken… and will stay broken. Not suitable for those with heart conditions.

1–2 BR DORMS, 3600 CHESTNUT. Fun, playful undergrad atmosphere.

Come for the great location, stay for the communi—oh, who are we kidding. No one lives here. It’s such a big building, too. Such a shame. Contact: living@exchange.upenn.edu

34TH STREET Magazine November 15, 2012

4 BR HOUSE, 41ST & LOCUST. Two–story house with rich history. Recently renovated. Two living areas, private rooms, three bathrooms, one huge kitchen. Low flat rate of $6,750 a year.

Too good to be true! Unfortunately, already sold. Just wanted to brag. Compliment RITA at ritabee3@gmail.com

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CLASSIFIEDS

11 ACRE PENITENTIARY, 2027 FAIRMONT AVE. Large, spacious U.S. National Historic Landmark. Lots of “rooms,” rustic stone walls. Used as a haunted house during Halloween season, now empty. Needs to be rented ASAP. Just take it already. It’s seriously giving us the creeps.

1 BR SEPTA CART, MARKET– FRANKFORD LINE. Add excitement to your life with a true mobile home! Spacious, lots of seats. Great for hosting friends or meeting strangers!

Locations, Locations, Locations. A true fixer–upper.

Available NOW. See more rentals at www.septa.org

1 BR APARTMENT, 3789 WILLOW ST. Lively 1 BR, 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen. Built in community of mice, rats, spiders, ants and one opossum (allegedly). For animal lovers ONLY! Have your own "Full House" experience. Might be a pot stash hidden under one of the bricks, but you didn’t hear that from us.

SERVICES OFFERED RENT–A–BOYFRIEND Do you need a nice Jewish boy from New Jersey to introduce to your parents? Do you not want them to know you’re dating that meatball–head goy from the football team? Then call me, Adam! I can read Hebrew, I’m in ZBT and I make a mean matzoh ball soup. It’ll be our little secret.

1–800–RENT–JEW COMPUTER SCIENCE TUTOR (FOR FEMALES ONLY) I’m willing to teach you anything you want to know about computer science, operating systems and code. All I want from you in exchange is a date. One meal with yours truly at the restaurant of your choosing. I promise not to talk about: Star Wars, Linux, Google, HTML, C++, R or any robot of any kind.

What I expect from you: say and do things that girls normally say and do.

MAID/HOUSE CLEANING House cleaning service — $20/hr. will not do the following: Pick up solo cups or alcohol cans/containers of any kind—Clean surfaces that have touched alcohol—Pick up party– related trash—Clean party spaces—Clean up beer—Clean up vodka—Clean up any liquor—Clean up alcohol—Clean up Jimmy John's residue and/or receipts, bags, napkins and straws—Touch drugs or drug residue— vacuum—dust—talk to you—do anything.

MERCHANDISE WANTED TICKET TO MASK AND WIG CHARITY BALL I’ll do anything. Seriously. Anything. Text me, beep me. I just want to date a Wig boy and give to charity at the same time. It’s the holy grail of being alive. 1–800–DES–PRAT

PENN–THEMED DOGGY TOTE BAG Help! I’ve got a cute Chihuahua and no way to transport him! Hopefully you can help me avert this crisis. I’m looking for a Penn–themed doggy tote bag, big enough to fit Penny (my dog, get it? I named her after Penn), that has crystals (rhinestones fine too) on it. Must have air holes for dog. Call 1–800–LUV–PUPS or just come by the SDT house and ask for the one that likes gratuitous material possessions.

EMPLOYMENT PERSONAL MASSEUSE WANTED (MALE, STRONG) High–profile Ivy League president seeks muscular, talkative and sensitive masseuse. Must be okay with massaging an older woman—an older woman with beautiful straight blonde hair and word–class knowledge about the American political process. MUST SIGN CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT.

ENTREPRENEURIAL OPPORTUNITY Are you interested in the world of advertising and marketing? This experience is perfect for budding entrepreneurs and/or Wharton students. Employee will stand on the corner of 40th and Locust dressed as a giant sandwich, meatball and/or falafel depending on the special of the day. Applicants must be friendly and good at doing impressions of sandwiches, meatballs and/ or falafel. Applicants must not be bothered by heat, as internal temperature of 100% polyester costume can be as high as 110 degrees.

Disclaimer: These ads aren't real.

WANTED: 1M/F set of twins (brunette) into dating the Lowbrow editors. Jews encouraged.

EXAMPLE: To my paranoid roommate: Yes, I do hoard all the forks.

SHOUTOUTS! SHOUTOUTS! Submit your SHOUTOUTS to SHOUTOUTS@34ST.COM or in the anonymous submission box at the top of Under the Button by MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26TH.

highbrow ego film feature food & drink music arts lowbrow

It's that time of the year again: SHOUTOUTS! Let us be your confessional, your eavesdropping friend, your soapbox and that awkward kinda funny kid that sits near you in class.

THE FOLLOWING SECTION IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT

34th Street Bar Guide

CHERRYSTREET

129 N. 22nd Street • 215-561-5683 — We’re located a block from the Schuylkill River Trail and known for our great community atmosphere. Come by for great food, great drinks, and a great time!

HAPPY HOUR SPECIALS DAILY • KITCHEN OPEN UNTIL MIDNIGHT

The Starlight Ballroom — 452-472 N. 9th Street • 215-908-2063 • starlight-ballroom.com Venue available to book parties!

FREE PIZZA NIGHTS every Wednesday night from 9pm-2am. Industrial/house music night

Club Pulse — 1526 Sansom Street • 215-751-2711 • pulsephilly.com 10:00 p.m. to 3:30 a.m. • Live Band and DJ all Night!

• Drink Specials $2 Beer, $3 Mix Drink

Dock Street Brewery & Restaurant

NO COVER CHARGE — TUE, THU, FRI, SAT AND SUN

THURSDAY — COLLEGE NIGHT AT PULSE!

701 S. 50th Street • 215-726-2337 • www.dockstreetbeer.com Founded in 1985, Dock Street is the 1st microbrewery in Philadelphia and one of the 1st in the country. Dock Street Brewery is located in a majestic, old firehouse. We’re known for our delicious, artisanal beers brewed on premise along with awardwinning wood fired gourmet pizzas, sandwiches, salads, vegan and vegetarian specialties. Movie night every Tuesday at 8pm!

Copabanana — 40th & Spruce • 215-382-1330 • copabanana.com/uni.php

34TH STREET Magazine Novemebr 15, 2011

tAVERN

A guide to bars and nightclubs on or near Penn’s campus

Copabanana is THE place to go for margaritas! Half price margaritas Mondays from noon to midnight. Happy Hour Mondays to Fridays from 5-7pm. Open late seven days a week! Philly’s award winning DJ Karaoke Joe is now at the Copabanana 40th and Spruce from 9:30 on Thursdays !

STARTING OCTOBER 7th — Sunday brunch!

15

We here at Street are all hard–hitting journalists who ask the tough questions, like, "Which vodka is least vom–worthy?" We sat down this weekend for a highly scientific blind taste test and evaluation. However, four shots in, we forgot about the science part and agreed that they all sorta sucked. So instead, here are our comments about each one.