November 20, 2014

November 20-November 26, 2014 34st.com

november 20 LOL

3 HIGHBROW

2014

overheards, word on the street, true life

4 EGO

eotw: alex amstrup, games r us

LOL

LOL

LOL

6 MUSIC

album reviews, you have to listen to this, meet the penn musician

10 FILM

reviews, film & tv with the family

11 FEATURE

senior superlatives

A SHOUTOUT TO YOU, DEAR READER: WE LIKE YOU. WE WANT YOU. WE NEED YOU.

16 FOOD & DRINK

thanksgiving in pie, other foods we wish the prez would pardon

LOL

LOL

18 ARTS art of drl

20 LOWBROW shoutouts

Street's looking for the cool, the cultured and the kickass to write/design/take photos/copy edit/mime for us next semester.

Can you hang? Let us know. We'll be in touch.

Tonight. 6:30 p.m. 4015 'nut. Go nuts. Gonads.

24 BACKPAGE

illustrated shoutouts

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief Patrick Ford-Matz, Managing Editor Abigail Koffler, Digital Director Margot Halpern, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Byrne Fahey, Assistant Design Ling Zhou, Assistant Design Conor Cook, Highbrow Emily Johns, Highbrow Ciara Stein, Ego Nicole Malick, Ego Alyssa Berlin, Food and Drink Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink Clare Lombardo, Film and TV 2

Katie Hartman, Film and TV Alexandra Sternlicht, Features Julia Liebergall, Features Marley Coyne, Features Lucy Hovanisyan, Music Mark Paraskevas, Music Justin Sheen, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Rosa Escandon, Lowbrow Adam Hersh, Lowbrow Ariela Osuna, Backpage Patrick del Valle, Backpage Sara Thalheimer, Copy Editor Orly Greenberg, Copy Editor

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Giulia Imholte, Senior Web Producer Diane Bayeux, Web Producer Rachel Rubin, Web Producer Cassandra Kyriazis, Web Producer Casey Quackenbush, Social Media Editor COVER DESIGN: Margot Halpern COVER PHOTO: Sarah Tse BACKPAGE DESIGN: Ariela Osuna Contributors: Riley Nelson, Kimberly Lu, Sarah Fox, Sam Rubenstein, Hallie Brookman, Daniel Maher, Ali Greenstein

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief, at bower@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "You seem to be operating under the illusion that I care whether or not you believe me." ©2014 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

TRUE LIFE

HIGHBROW

I HATE THANKSGIVING

Thanksgiving is the ultimate culmination of Fall. It incorporates everything that everyone likes about this time of year, and as soon as we hit November everyone talks about their favorite dish or favorite tradition or how their mom’s stuffing is just so much better than anything else. But honestly, in my opinion, all stuffing is gross and Thanksgiving is not very fun.

I am aware that disliking Thanksgiving is pretty much as un–American as it gets, but if you were me you’d hate it, too. Imagine being a vegetarian on Thanksgiving. That knocks out about half of the standard dishes, including the turkey which is, obviously, the most important part of the entire meal. Sucks, right? But at least your family will probably make you some vegetarian counterparts since you have a declared eating restriction.

I’m not a vegetarian. So now imagine instead just not liking meat—especially turkey.

It’s not that I can’t eat it, it’s that I think it’s gross. So that knocks out about half the dishes, but since it’s just me being picky and annoying, no one makes me alternate dishes and my Thanksgiving meal consists of mashed potatoes, green beans, sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce. And that’s it. While everyone else

spends November looking forward to their favorite meal of the year, I spend November dreading the one meal where I actually cannot eat the vast majority of the dishes.

But okay, fine, Thanksgiving isn’t all about the food—it’s about your family coming together and celebrating what you have in life.

I get that. Except that, in my family, we do the same thing on Christmas Eve with better food and more people. We celebrate each other then, and people are happier because everyone is happier at Christmas.

Thanksgiving in my family is the definition of meh—ever since the extended family split down the middle circa 2010 there has been a heavy dose of tension served alongside our turkey. Forty percent of the relatives have taken it as an excuse to stop coming. What is supposed to be a happy, thankful time is actually very stressful and unhappy. Two years ago my dad told my grandfather to fuck off at the dinner table. I think you get the idea.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should get rid of Thanksgiving—I’m all for an extended weekend off from school/work/ life. What I am saying is that the only purpose Thanksgiving serves in my life is to mark when it becomes socially acceptable to start listening to Christmas music.

THEROUNDUP

is on social probation for the rest of the semester, so we’re introducing Street’s newest section:

over heard PENN at

Suspicious betch: He obviously jerks off to his sister.

WORD ON THE STREET.

Delusional liberal: College Republicans are just Democrats who want easy leadership positions.

Word on the Street: Making personal narratives campus narratives.

Sophomore boy: Between going to class and working out I don’t really have time for anything else.

This is your turn to tell the story.

So what’s yours? Tell us: pitches@34st.com.

Let's start the conversation, 34th Street

Opportunistic freshman: My roommate’s going to be in bed but we can fuck anyways.

Frequent Traveller: Wow, I love taking Xanax on the plane.

wordonthestreet

THE DOWNTOWN BOYCOTT ARIELA OSUNA

One of the perks of studying at an urban campus is that there's a plethora of options to occupy your free–time. You can attend gallery openings, concerts, film screenings and so much more. As a bright–eyed, enthusiastic freshman, I thought Philadelphia had so much to offer. Nonetheless, I quickly found myself only getting to know the city past midnight—I succumbed to the “sceney” Thursday schedule—a BYO at La Fontana and then heading out to Rumor or Whisper—all dolled up in lipstick, bandage skirts and 5 inch heels.

After two years of this weekly routine, I realized that to grow as an adult (and upperclassman), I had to abandon these superficialities that have only left me exhausted, hungover and unstimulated.

I made the decision the first week I got back to Penn. Coming back from a long summer, I was eager to catch up with all my friends and hear about their summers. But my first night back was a blur of expensive Long Islands, deafening EDM, unsightly DFMOs and a lot of fist–pumping.

In the morning (with a throbbing headache), the night seemed so much worse. Annoyed, I half–jokingly pledged to avoid downtowns, thinking I would quickly succumb to peer pressure. To my surprise, I’ve made it this far into the semester without stepping into Rumor.

Over Capo iced lattes on one September afternoon, a friend and I bought tickets to all the concerts we wanted to go to.

Most of which are on Thursdays. I filled up my calendar with plans to see Jamie xx, alt–J and Caribou. During the opening acts, we attended whatever pregame was going on on–campus. By the end of the show, we made it back in time to hit up Smoke's and the late nights. Soon enough, my all–black ensemble turned into band tees and moto jackets. Amidst the crowds of plaid–covered, bearded hipsters at Union Transfer, I definitely didn’t feel I was in Kansas (read: Rumor) anymore.

While concerts have comprised the majority of my weekends this semester, I pushed myself to do all the things I’ve been wanting to check off my Philly to do list: Barnes Museum, Philadelphia Film Festival and Restaurant Week. I got to know Philadelphia in the daylight—without waking up to excessive Uber receipts or (moral and physical) hangovers. To me, this has been ideal. I've goten the chance to spend time with friends, pursue my cultural interests and yet “party” to an appropriate extent.

FOMO? Actually, not at all. This fall, my most fulfilling experiences have occurred outside the realms of bouncers and bartenders. By deprivation, I’ve become aware of the wearying effects of the life of excess that’s glamorized on campus.

The well–balanced lifestyle we strive for ends up being quite the opposite. There’s an excess of inebriation, expenditure and superficiality. We drink too much and we spend too much. I always felt the urge to go downtown because that’s where the social scene was, only to find myself surrounded by the blackout peer pressure that only gets you points for the Round Up.

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3

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: ALEX AMSTRUP

Meet Alex, a management 100 TA and the President of St. Elmo. This Mortar Boarder is studying management, OPIM and French in the Huntsman Program. He’s from Singapore, but really, really wants to make it to Iceland.

Street: So you’re from Singapore?

Alex Amstrup: My dad grew up in Denmark on a farm and my mom grew up in the Philippines. My dad wanted to get away from Denmark as soon as he finished high school, so he moved to the Philippines, met my mom there and they got married. Then they moved to China in the '80s, when it was still really closed off and really communist. I was born in Hong Kong. Then they moved to Indonesia, then Singapore.

So I spent most of my life in Singapore.

Street: What languages do you speak?

AA: I speak English fluently because I went to an Ameri-

can school. My Danish and Tagalog are...pretty basic...

My mom would speak a lot of Tagalog to my sister and I growing up.

Street: Did you travel?

AA: I traveled around a lot. I made it out to Mali, very soon after the civil war ended–like two weeks after.

Street: You study French— did you study abroad in France?

AA: No, I went to Senegal.

Street: What’s your favorite memory from Senegal?

AA: On my last night there, there’s a lighthouse at the top of this tiny mountain or really big hill, my friends and I snuck up...and hiked to the very top. Hopped a fence to get into the lighthouse and camped out there for the night. We just looked out over the city, had beers and reminisced about the semester. It was very out of a movie.

Street: What was that like?

AA: It was the best six months of my life, maybe Penn...I was living with a host family in Dakar, and there were 13 people that lived in the house.

I was the fourteenth. There was an eight–month–old, and then my “grandmother” was like 76 or something. So it was three generations of the same family. I took classes with professors in the local university.

Street: What’s it like to be president of Elmo?

AA: It’s weird managing a group of friends, like being the authority figure amongst your peers.

Street: If Elmo had a mascot, what would it be?

AA: We’ve had a possum living in our house, which just sucks. He isn’t afraid of us at all, he’ll just be around.

So maybe a possum. He’s pretty cute.

Street: Can you describe Mortarboard in three words?

AA: “Declining bar tab.” Or “open bar event.”

Street: There are two types of people at Penn...

AA: The people who can find their way home from Dock Street without using Google Maps, and the people who couldn’t.

Street: If you could travel anywhere in the world right now, where would

4

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 , 2 01 4

you go and why?

AA: Iceland. I’ve always wanted to go there. It’s the most ge ographically active spot in the world, there are geysers and volcanoes and shifting plates.

I’d want to explore—there’s the biggest glacier in Europe in Iceland. Icelandic horses have the purest bloodline of any horse, that goes back to the first Europeans. It’s illegal to bring any other horse onto the island, because you’d contaminate the bloodlines.

Apparently, 80% of Icelandic people truly believe in, or wouldn’t rule out the existence, of elves.

Street: What would your superpower be and why?

AA: It would definitely be to speak, read, and write every language in the world.

Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you drink?

AA: I would have coffee and cigarettes with Bill Murray. I want to hear his philosophy on his profession and how he’s become the actor he is.

Street: Who’s your current celebrity crush?

AA: Betty White...I feel like she’s aged very gracefully and when I’m old and wrinkley and ugly and looks don’t matter, I would want to have a partner who’s as chill and hilarious as Betty White.

Street: Do you have a favorite Philly bar?

AA: There’s a new bar called the Crow and the Pitcher that opened this summer and they have really good cocktails— they have a mixologist.

EGO

Ego tells you how to make Philly your playground.

Houston Hall

University Pinball

Frankford Hall

Kaffa Crossing

Barcade

3417 Spruce Street This pseudo–dining hall, study spot and career fair hub can hardly be called fun and games. But since September, Houston has been supplying all of your favorite board games: Scrabble, Monopoly, Cranium, Boggle and even Harry Potter–themed Clue.

Never heard of Carcassonne, Sequence or Baba? Houston has those too, and all it takes is a PennCard to borrow a game—so spend your next study break with Uno.

4006 Spruce Street Don’t be deterred by the less– than–welcoming storefront.

This arcade has a cornucopia of games. Whether you’re shooting hoops, racing F1 cars, or trying your hand as a Pinball Wizard, this arcade is a great place to spend an hour or two.

It’s open until 12am from Sunday through Wednesday and until 2am Thursday, Friday and Saturday. The games are only 25–50 cents, and most give out tickets. If you win it big, go for the giant stuffed toys (perfect college room decor); if not, there are always a variety of Pixie Stix flavors to choose from.

1210 Frankford Avenue Head to Philly’s largest year– round beer garden, where you can fight the cold with steins of beer and s’mores by the fire pits (there’s indoor seating, too). They have foosball, ping pong and, best of all, Jenga. Beer–drinkers from late–nights past have written jokes, dares and obscenities on the Jenga sets, so be prepared to “Take a selfie” and “Kiss the person sitting next to you,”— but no pressure to “Call XXX4866" for a good time.” Just don’t be the one who causes the tower to fall...unless you want to buy everyone another round.

4423 Chestnut Street Walk into this Ethiopian cafe and you’ll be greeted with newspaper readers, checkerboard players and an unmistakable spicy aroma.

You can order anything from ordinary scrambled eggs to eccentric Ethiopian dishes like quanta firfir or sambusa. While you sip on a steamy chai latte and enjoy the cozy atmosphere, you have your pick of board games to play against a close friend or a friendly stranger.

If you don’t have time for chess or scrabble, you’ll find checkers and dominoes, too.

1114 Frankford Ave If you’re too stressed, too broke and spend too much time in the Penn bubble, Barcade is your answer. Take Septa's MFL line to Fishtown (get off at Girard) to find classic arcade games like Ms. Pac-Man, Galaga and Tetris for only 25 cents a play. There are games galore—it’s never too crowded—plus an extensive beer list and warm food until midnight on the weekends.

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5

MUSIC

ALBUM REVIEWS

“HOPE”

MANCHESTER ORCHESTRA

Grade: BDownload: “Cope” Sounds best when: rethinking your science major after failing your third Orgo exam

Some artists choose to write the same type of songs over and over again, but others, like Manchester Orchestra, choose to rebuild their sound from scratch. The band put out a fully acoustic version of their fourth album “Cope,” which they renamed “Hope.” The project found its way online back in September, but it finally gets a physical release this week. The songs take on a calm approach, drawing listeners in with melancholy lyrics. The title track “Cope” delivers a dark melody perfect for late night listening and songs like “Top Notch” and “Trees” showcase the band’s new melodic touch. However, lines such as “I used to feel some thrill, now I just feel thrifty” sounds a little too sappy, and not in a Dashboard Confessional–throwback– to–middle–school kind of way. Although lead singer Andy Hull delivers smooth vocals throughout, the constant stream of sad songs blur together. “Hope” is a few steps above “Cope,” but Manchester Orchestra needs to man up. Happier lyrics would be a nice change of pace.

LUCY HOVANISYAN

“THE ART OF MCCARTNEY”

VARIOUS ARTISTS Grade: B+ Download: “Hello, Goodbye” Sounds best when: Putting your Beatles poster from freshman year back up on your Radian wall

How great of an idea is this? Paul McCartney, who's had his hand in so many iconic songs, gets other legends to perform his greatest hits. “The Art of McCartney” is a 42–track epic featuring legends such as Willie Nelson, Brian Wilson and Bob Dylan (there isn’t enough space in this article to name them all). As for the actual music, the product is mostly satisfactory, with a few misses (Billy Joel on “Maybe I’m Amazed”) and some definite jams (The Cure on “Hello, Goodbye” with a guest appearance from McCartney’s son, James). While the original versions of these tracks are stronger in almost every case—there's plenty to enjoy in these covers.

MARK PARASKEVAS

“FOUR”

ONE DIRECTION Grade: B Download: “Girl Almighty” Sounds best when: Dancing by yourself before you go somewhere actually cool

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One Direction is a band with one of the more confusing fan bases of recent memory: an eclectic mix of tween girls, 40–year– old women and collegiate LGBTQ communities. This diversity is well–represented by the song choices in their new album, “Four.”

The album ranges from what can only be described as NSYNC’s version of an Irish bar song with “Act My Age” and R&B–esque slow jams with “Once in a Lifetime.” In “18,” the band croons about the girl that they've loved since they were eighteen. This is good for laughs, if nothing else; Harry Styles turned 20 only several months ago. That being said, this album also features numerous tracks that are virtually indecipherable from each other until one an odd surprise pops up. Other tracks, like “Clouds” or “Fool's Gold,” are almost unlistenable. Nonetheless, “Four” allows the band to go in new directions (pun intended) and take on a slightly more mature tone—“Spaces,” for example. While they make many missteps, (the possibly anti–feminist “Steal My Girl,” the failed attempts at maturity and an incorrect definition of the titular disorder on “Stockholm Syndrome”) One Direction is so catchy that whether you like this album or not, you'll find yourself singing it.

ROSA ESCANDON

MUSIC

YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS: FLY GOLDEN EAGLE Warning: SUPER INDIE STUFF BELOW. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. SERIOUSLY. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE A WIKIPEDIA PAGE.

Are you usually a Top 40 slave but are looking for some indie music to impress your similarly uncultured friends? Maybe you are just tired of the whole EDM thing. Those loud beats and intense drops are definitely not as pleasing when you’re sober. I mean, who really cares if Penn is the number one EDM school?

You could just be another audiophile looking for some new material. Whatever your reason, Fly Golden Eagle should be your source of satisfaction. Just take one look at them. These indie rockers might as well have rolled right out of Burning Man. Fly Golden Eagle is a unique combination of southern rock, Blues, ‘60s garage and modern indie funkadelica. They often resemble the psychedelic rock legends of the 1960’s like Jefferson Airplane and the Doors, or the iconic surfer rock of The Beach Boys. It becomes hard to classify these guys and their sound, because they cover all ends of the spectrum. There may be even some Rolling Stones in there.

I listened to their first album, “Swagger,” and despite my general inability to pay attention to anything, I enjoyed listening to it in its entirety. This band has incredible dynamism and a real talent for combining their roots into a novel sound that is truly a rarity in the music industry today. FGE stepped up to the plate with the recent release of their sophomore album, “Quartz.”

These guys are so cool that they came out with two versions. The first is a 26–song epic, while the second, name “Quartz Bijou” is only 12 tracks. As Trimble described it: “It’s about the psychedelia found in the natural world and it’s a love story.” Hippie bullshit aside, this trippy, yet funk–rocking release is simply awesome.

From more basic hits like “Medicine Hat” to fast–paced jams like “The Slider,” the band has demonstrated a total confidence in their creation of new music.

The band could also be a real hit with friends at the end of a long night out. Try out “Violet Crown” from “Swagger,” or “Tangible Intangible” from “Quartz” for some smooth vibes.

Fly Golden Eagle was in Philly just a few weeks ago, opening up for J. Roddy Walston and the Business. It was an impressive showing. They rocked hard, and put back several beers as they stood their performing in the hot spotlight. At one point, roadies brought them bottled water and cheesesteaks to replenish their energy, and for fun, lead singer Ben Trimble tossed one of the sandwiches out into the crowd to one lucky fan. Needless to say, the crowd was wild.

These Nashville rockers are something to see, and even more of something to hear. If you’re feeling adventurous, be sure to look into this melodic and energetic band.

SAM RUBENSTEIN

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MUSIC

BEN GENDELMAN Hand a nine–year–old a guitar and he'll become a star: at least that's the case for Brooklyn–born, Pennsylvania–raised freshman Ben Gendelman. Since his father first gave him a guitar and inspired him by playing him Russian folk songs, Ben has mastered the guitar and picked up the bass, piano, drums and alto saxophone. As of late, Ben has also been producing EDM, in the hopes of getting his music played at Penn parties and music festivals. This diversity has helped him establish an extensive fanbase— over 109,000 followers on Facebook.

Ben comments on his social media fanbase, saying, “My friends shared the page with their friends and so on. While my followers grew, I viewed it like a social experiment. I started trying out new types of music and testing audiences’ reactions.”

Ben has played several gigs in his hometown, Hawley, PA, including an “End of the Summer” concert for over 400 people. At Penn, he has played many open mic nights and has performed at Harvest Bar & Grill. But Ben’s campus involvement goes beyond making music. He’s a member of Freaks of the Beat, Penn’s premier b–boy and funkstyles dance group. He also works at the Annenberg Center box office.

He partially attributes his success to his ability to navigate the social scene. When he’s not breakdancing or breaking a sweat at Pottruck, you can find him in his Ware double listening to anything from The Beatles to Mozart to Avicii, three of his biggest musical inspirations. And while he's had acoustic sessions with friends who live in his hall, he has yet to seriously collaborate with people at Penn.

“I’ve definitely considered starting a musical group at Penn. I think an acoustic guitar/vocal ensemble would be really interesting,” Ben is not sure about his major yet, but at the moment he’s “really feeling psychology.” When asked about his goals as a musician, Ben says, “I want to continue to create music all throughout college.”

Ben almost got signed by a record label in high school, but he and his parents decided that college was the smarter move. He still hopes to jump into the music business, and his dream job is to be a music producer for a big–time record label.

But if all that doesn’t work out, “psychiatry is always an option.”

Facebook: facebook.com/bengendelmanmusic Soundcloud: soundcloud.com/ben-gendelman Twitter: @bengenmusic23

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F E AT U R E

SENIOR SUPERLATIVES

34 ST

These the past few weeks, we entrusted you with a difficult task: name the most influential/ notorious/whatever members of the senior class. You voted; we tallied. You campaigned; we noticed. You messaged our Facebook accounts; we ignored you.

And now, the wait is over. You, the readers, have spoken. So without further ado, Street presents the Class of 2015 Senior Superlatives.

Eat your fucking hearts out.

Most Likely to Start a

Cutest Couple

Lena Backe & Wyatt Shapiro Let’s all try not to be bitter for the next few sentences. While many at Penn bemoan being single, some couples are just so goddamn cute that it’s hard to be salty.

Just look at their (many) profile pictures together: it is definitely love. From jamming out with Mask and Wig, to hiking national trails, to jetsetting off to San Francisco, these two have some awesome passions (obviously aside from each other). For this AXO and Sphinge, love isn’t just great, it’s the cutest.

Now let's all barf together.

Revolution

Dawn Androphy

Dawn Androphy waits for no man. When she isn’t busy running the Lambda Alliance, she’s producing the Vagina Monologues or laughing it up at a Carriage soiree or writing a thesis on queer history. Dawn won’t hesitate to tell you when she thinks you’re wrong about something, no matter if you’re a stranger, or a close friend, or a vice–provost. And she’s right every time. When the final battle against the patriarchy begins, look for Dawn on the front lines, leading the charge with a policy paper in one hand and a bullhorn in the other.

Best House

Loco (4032 Locust) The PennQuest senior ladies of Loco took a leap of faith junior year and decided to live together, and things couldn’t have gone more right. You’ve probably walked past their humble abode at 40th and Locust—they’ve got an open door policy for friends, friends of friends and the occasional confused freshman. With a tradition of Whiskey Wednesdays and wild shindigs, this home sweet home has a whole lotta spirit. While the name is partially a pun on Locust, the four friends are all proudly a little, well…loco.

Biggest Pre-NSO

Freshman Friender Kiara Vaughn

Whoever said you couldn’t have more than one best friend clearly hasn’t met Kiara Vaughn. This bubbly Disney A Cappella star from the Bronx made it her mission to friend all 2,500 members of the Class of 2015 before school even started. She even wrote “Congrats!” and “Good luck!” on Facebook walls and status updates. Some say that Kiara’s friend request made them feel more like a Penn student than the actual acceptance letter. So why did you un–friend all of us?

Still need housing for next school year?

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F E AT U R E

Most likely to never miss

Most likely to EGOT

Kweder

Swaroop Rao

Valerie Cohen For this Hex and Engineer Without Borders, there is only one place to be Tuesday night: at the feet of the greatest musician of all time, Kenn Kweder.

It’s not uncommon to walk into Smoke’s and see Val on stage, shouting the words to all the classics from the American songbook.

Rest assured that if Val doesn’t marry Kweder, she will definitely have him as the musical guest at her wedding.

Mazel tov, muthafuckas!

Sorry, posers: award–winning soloist and president of Counterparts a cappella Swaroop “Swoops” Rao has already got the EGOT on lock. This soprano has the voice of a classically–trained angel, so we’re predicting she goes platinum and snags her first Grammy within a year of graduating (no pressure). Following that, she’ll get stunt– casted in your favorite TV show, for which she’ll win an Outstanding Guest Emmy. Her vocal swooperpower will later lift her to the heights of the big screen, where she’ll write, produce and perform the Oscar–winning Best Original Song which will be so much better than “Let it Go.” She’ll close out her career doing what any superbly–talented human does—heading to Broadway to snag a Tony, thus completing her EGOT quest and cementing her as the most gifted performer on the planet.

Most Likely to Wear Google Glass at His Wedding Matthew Gibstein

Matt Gibstein's resume reads more like a Business Insider list of "Coolest Places to Work" than it does a record of a college student's summer escapades. Name a Silicon Valley office with nap pods and we promise Matt's been there, interviewed there and probably been offered the job of CEO there.

In fact, this Dorm Room Fund partner trekked out to the West Coast 4 times in a month this OCR season. And all the travel paid off—he'll be sporting techy–tees and Google Glass when he starts work at Facebook in September.

Future Commencement Speaker Ariel Koren

If there's anyone who can spit some wisdom down on hungover graduates, it's Ariel. As class president, Sphinge, Vagina Monologues cast member, Google summer intern, Penn Chinese theater actress (we'll stop here in the interest of space), Ariel has enough material to write a speech that pleases bored younger siblings and stuffy grandparents alike. Did we mention she also speaks seven different languages?

Who doesn’t want a speaker that can do a handstand and rap in Chinese?

It's been years since Penn had a female commencement speaker—nobody's a better choice than Ariel.

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Most Likely to Be an

Instagram Celebrity Amanda Shulman

Foodgrams are routine for Amanda Shulman (@stayhungree), the Spoon University Editor–in–Chief better known around campus as “Hungree Girl.” Her Instagram philosophy is #nofilter—instead, she manually edits because “cheese should never not look neon.” Her most liked gram was a French onion soup grilled cheese with over 550 likes. She hopes her pictures would attract customers to a future restaurant. Is it too early to make a reservation?

Best Exes

Amanda Berman & Evan Deahl

Breaking up is hard to do, and we salute these good sports for even showing up for the picture. The Chicago natives got together the first day of NSO—yes, they were “that couple”—and shared nearly two years of love before splitting sophomore year.

But what makes them the best? While the TriDelt nurse and Pikapp stud may have called it quits, they still maintain a cordial relationship with each other and are even Facebook friends again.

F E AT U R E

Sexiest MoFos

Most Likely to Have Been Voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in Their

Sarah Lindstedt

and Wyatt Shapiro

High School Yearbook

The two sexiest members of the senior class have more in common than defined cheekbones and great legs—they’re also musical. Sarah is a member of the Samba ensemble and the musical director for Penny Loafers, while Wyatt leads and plays trombone for the Mask & Wig Band.

Is that the secret to beauty? Musicality? Rhythm? Chops? One thing’s for sure: this Palos Verdes beauty and D.C. hottie make our hearts go BOOM CLAP.

Gabe Delaney

Gabe Delaney has a skillset and a schedule that would impress any high school yearbook committee. From the moment he got to Penn, Gabe was shaking hands and gathering signatures—if you hadn't met him by the end of freshman year, you must have been trying pretty hard not to. His engagement and ambition haven't let up since: Gabe served as UA Vice President for the 2013 academic year and is an avid Model UN competitor with IAA, editor at Penn Political Review and Speaker of the newly formed Penn Political Union.

Class Clown

Nathan Fleetwood This writer can attest to nearly peeing her pants several times in the presence of Nathan “FleetClown” Fleetwood, a Kappa Sig southern gent from Nashville. Whether he’s playing the organ at a West Philly church at 6 a.m. or running himself an aromatherapy bath in a Montreal AirBNB, this MGMT 100 TA lives for the laughs. And the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree: Nathan’s mother is actually a professional clown. We can only imagine what a family dinner is like.

Best Dressed

Nolan Burger

Nolan is the king of sweaters. He lives in a world that comes pre–VSCO– cam–ed, because that’s just how hip he is. You would recognize him by his tortoiseshell glasses, perfectly tailored skinny jeans and vintage boots. He has a tattoo with a deep meaning and probably owns a Moleskin. All this being said, you may assume that Nolan is vain or spends too much time crafting this perfect aura, but Nolan is amazing, and he is not trying at all. He is sweet and kind and fascinating. Yep, we hate him too.

Most Likely to Shatter the Glass Ceiling Joyce Kim

Joyce handles a lot more than airport shuttles. As the President of the UA and former chair of the United Minorities Council, she knows a thing or two about being the boss. When this Sphinge isn’t meeting Amy Gutmann, she stays busy leading Pennacle, taking amazing photos and speaking at Affirmative Action Panels. Not convinced yet? She hangs out with a crew of super powerful Penn women—check out her Instagram. Joyce also excels at biking while clad in a Vagina costume (she's in VagMons). Consider that glass ceiling shattered.

Most likely to win a Nobel Prize Simeon Esprit

Like the saints that share his name, Sim brings a calming aura everywhere he goes.

At Pottruck, this British basketball player– meets–Classics major is always willing to talk about life, philosophy and Greek mythology between muscle–ups and dunking on your sorry ass.

At Smoke’s, his gentle refusal of your “totally real” I.D. makes anger impossible, while his height makes arguing with him a literal pain in the neck.

Today he’s pacifying confused internationals and irate frat stars—tomorrow, world leaders. It’s only a matter of time before those stuffed shirts in Oslo take notice.

Next Wolf of Wall Street Bharat Ganju

Bharat works hards and plays hard, and it pays off. He’s always on Locust, at Smoke's or in Pottruck–it seems like there isn’t a soul on campus who hasn’t met him.

Maybe that’s because of his "catchy" campaign slogan, “It’s Barack with a T,” which carried him through four years as SAS Class Chair. When the school year ends, Bharat’s taking his talents to (ahem) a certain Wall Street investment bank, where we’re sure he’ll remain the life of the party and a force to be reckoned with.

Closest

Freshman Hall The Nipple

Fisher–Hassenfeld's Upper Courtyard a.k.a. "The Nipple" has bred superlative winners before, and this year is no exception. While the Nipple itself is too large to constitute one tight–knit freshman hall, there's still a proud crew that has stuck together throughout college—some even live together in a house aptly named The Underboob. The senior Nipplers would like to shout out their RAs: Angel, Amit, Maya and Amrit, their House Dean April and Faculty Master Sandy.

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F E AT U R E

Most changed from freshman year Kay Lu

It seems like yesterday that a our favorite Hong Konger was rocking her shoulder length 'do—since then the cut has gone through several metamorphoses: Skrillex–style, bob cut, pixie cut.

She could be bald for all we care (coming in 2015?), it’s Kay’s ear– to–ear grin and caring heart that everyone’s fallen for (Kay may or may not be the most popular person in our class. Hint: she is). Some things certainly don’t change, such as Kay’s love of food, or rather, eating it. Ask her how many meals she had today; she’ll tell you over dinner.

Pennaissance Person Jordyn Feingold

Jordyn Feingold is Locust Walk embodied in human form—and we're not talking about rainy, trip–on–a– missing–brick Locust Walk. We're talking 65 degrees, leaves– just–started–falling, passing–period packed, picturesque Locust Walk. This Friars–Off The Beat– VagMons–SDT–PanHel queen is the student you dreamed of being when you first grabbed that Penn admissions brochure. Jordyn loves this school about as much as Amy Gutmann loves red suits and using the phrase "Best Class Ever."

Most Likely to Always Have More Work Than You Sydney Cantor

Sydney’s schedule leaves you wondering, ‘How does she do it?’ This TriDelt, Hex, M&T, Ben Franklin Scholar and Joseph Wharton Scholar is often found slaving over Excel spreadsheets late into the night in the Huntsman 2nd floor study lounge. When she’s not hitting the books, she's leading tours around campus and training for the upcoming marathon (this is probably to counteract her KitKat and cheese addiction). It’s safe to say she’s running laps around the rest of us. Ask her nicely and she’ll recite the first 100 digits of Pi.

Most Likely to Volunteer to Move to Mars as

Part of an Interstellar Colonization Experiment David Tompkins

This M&T funnyman is a bundle of energy and originality, which is probably why it wouldn't surprise his friends if he moved to Mars. Social chair of Phi Psi and a member The Bell Society, David is game for anything, but his fellow Martian colonizers should be careful: Tompkins thrives on pranks and is surely the most infamous trickster of the Class of 2015. Let's just say he loves Wishbone and is a *puzzling* member of our collective senior society. If this future toymaker ends up on another planet, there will never be a dull moment for him and his alien comrades.

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Most likely to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated Mitch King You may remember Mitch from his starring role in the YouTube video “Penn Football Unveils New Gray Alternate Jersey,” in which he modeled the New Gray Alternate Jersey for his extremely excited teammates. It’s clear that sexiness and athleticism come naturally to this Beta bro, who stands at 6’6" and plays tight end for the Quakers. If he looks this good in gray, then we can only imagine what he would like on a national magazine cover. *Swoon*

Most Likely to Headline Fling Jesse Fink

While it’s unclear if Jesse is still technically a Penn student, one thing’s for sure: this Oz New Yorker is going places. As the lead singer of his band The HeyDaze, Jesse has been on national tours with big names like Jesse McCartney and Timeflies. That's already enough to qualify him for at least a SPEC Fall Concerts' spot. Give The HeyDaze a few years, and they could be the next One Direction. It could be Jesse's vomit being auctioned off on eBay. We can totally see The HeyDaze tearing up Franklin Field—let's just hope they remember us when they make it big.

Person You Wish You Knew Eric Shapiro

Despite transferring from NYU sophomore year, Eric is one of the most talked about people on campus.

Eric dances to the beat of his own drum, or rather makes his own beat as one of the drummers for African Rythms. He's in Wharton, but you probably won’t see his man bun at Goldman Sachs any time soon: he built his own concentration in Innovative Leadership and Education. When he isn’t hanging out with his twin brother or making hand turkeys with the rest of Sphinx, he is working with the Fellowship for Building Intercultural Communities.

FILM

REVIEW:

"HORRIBLE BOSSES 2" It’s not good, but it could’ve been horrible.

Given the notorious track record of comedy sequels, “Horrible Bosses 2” certainly could have turned out worse.

But with its talented cast and the dark comedy premise, the film could've taken a few more risks.

At the beginning of the film, the main trio Nick (Jason Bateman), Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) and Dale (Charlie Day) appear on a morning news program in an attempt to find financiers for their new product, Shower Buddy. Following their disastrous segment, the group learns that retail tycoon Burt Hanson (Christoph Waltz) is eager to back their venture.

Production starts almost immediately, but when Hanson’s 10,000 unit order is complete, he informs them that he intends to let their indebted company go bankrupt before purchasing the shipment at a fraction of the price. Enraged, the trio kidnaps Hanson’s son Rex (Chris Pine), hoping to use the ransom money to save their business. Still way out of their league, the hapless criminals botch the initial abduction, only to find themselves dragged along

by Rex himself, who aims to extort far more money out of his billionaire father than Nick, Kurt or Dale ever

dreamed.

Since the film never asks the three main stars to venture outside their comfort zones, Pine is without a doubt the highlight of “Horrible Bosses 2.” Feeling ignored by his father in the wake of his “kidnapping,” Rex proves to be completely deranged, adding a real live wire to a film that desperately needs energy. Kevin Spacey and Jamie Foxx do a nice job in their extended cameos, but Waltz's talent is wasted in an underwritten, villainous role.

Jennifer Aniston rounds out the returning cast as Dr. Julia Harris, Dale’s former boss who now runs a sex addiction support group out of her dental office. Aside from Pine’s entertaining, over– the–top performance, there’s nothing new to set this film apart from its predecessor.

Fans of the first may enjoy seeing what the gang is up to this time around, but most are better off sitting out this crazy scheme.

DANIEL MAHER

Grade: BRating and Run Time: R, 108 minutes See if you liked: “Horrible Bosses," duh

REVIEW: "FOXCATCHER" Channing Tatum and Steve Carell hit the mat in their new Olympic flick.

“I want to be the best in the world.” Mark Schultz (Channing Tatum), an American 1984 Olympic gold medalist responds to John Du Pont (Steve Carell) after John asks, “What do you hope to achieve?” The highly–anticipated psychological drama “Foxcatcher” tells the true story of what happens when Mark joins John, a schizophrenic heir, to form the 1988 US Olympic Wrestling Team.

The audience immediately sees a stark contrast between Mark and his brother, Dave (Mark Ruffalo). Mark trains alone and returns to his bleak apartment, while Dave coaches the Stanford wrestling team and has a beautiful wife (Sienna Miller) and children.

When John reaches out to Mark to form the US Olympic Team, Mark packs his bags and moves to John’s Foxcatcher Farm in Pennsylvania to begin training. John’s aspirations to save the US Wrestling Team are clear in his interactions with the team and with Mark. Although first presented as an opportunity for Mark to step out of his brother’s shadow, Dave soon joins Team Foxcatcher, and the tensions between him, Mark and John ultimately lead to tragedy.

He’s no male stripper or undercover cop, but Channing

Tatum’s commanding performance captures the harsh reality of an athlete who strives for recognition.

Steve Carell subtly but successfully personifies John’s chilling, detached demeanor.

His eeriness later raises questions about his mental stability, and he even shows up to training one day with a gun.

“Foxcatcher” is a truly powerful film. Despite the violence associated with wrestling, director Bennett Miller successfully portrays wrestling

not only as a sport but also as an art. The noteworthy acting of the renowned stars has lead the film to receive critical acclaim, and after eight years in the making, the film finally illuminates the screen with the life of a wrestling champion.

HALLIE BROOKMAN

Grade: A Rating and Run Time: R, 134 minutes See if you liked: “Moneyball"

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FOOD & DRINK

MAKE A WHOLE THANKSGIVING MEAL ... IN A PIE

With premade crusts in the freezer section of Fresh Grocer, this meal is as easy as...never mind.

Turkey Pot Pie

We’ve all heard of chicken pot–pie, but with the substitution of turkey, this pie becomes a warm, filling Thanksgiving centerpiece.

Ingredients: 2 tablespoons butter 1 onion, chopped 2 stalks celery, chopped 3 carrots, chopped 4 tablespoons flour 4 cups chicken or turkey stock 2 potatoes, peeled and diced

2 cups shredded turkey 2 tablespoons chopped parsley 1/2 cup frozen peas, thawed 1 prepared pie crust 1 egg, lightly beaten

Steps: 1. Melt butter in saucepan and cook chopped onion until tender 2. Stir in celery and carrots and cook for 2 minutes 3. Stir in flour and cook for 2 minutes. Add stock and bring to a simmer 4. Add potatoes and simmer until tender. Stir in turkey, parsley and peas and pour mixture into casserole 5. Top with pie crust and brush with egg. Bake for 30 minutes until golden

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Apple–Pumpkin–Pecan Pie

If you’re going to make a whole meal out of pie, you definitely need to go big. This recipe combines all the best pies into a pie that isn’t too complicated to make.

Ingredients: Crust: Prepared pie dough, egg white Pecan pie filling: 1 1/3 cup pecans, 1/2 cup light corn syrup, 1/3 cup packed light brown sugar, 3 tbs unsalted butter, 1 large egg, salt Apple pie filling: Prepared apple pie filling Pumpkin pie filling: 1 cup pure pumpkin puree, 1/2 cup heavy cream, 1/3 cup granulated sugar, 1 large egg, 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice Steps: 1. Heat oven to 350F 2. Lay pie dough in pan and chill for 30 minutes 3. Spread pecans on a baking sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes. Let cool and separate 1/3 cup to chop for garnish. Put pan on a baking sheet and line the chilled pie crust with foil and fill with pie weights.

4. Bake 15 minutes then remove foil and weights and brush with egg wash and resume baking for 8–10 minutes 5. For the pecan pie filling, scatter the remaining 1 cup pecans in the bottom of the cooled pie shell. Whisk the corn syrup, brown sugar, butter, egg and 1/4 teaspoon

5 OTHER FOODS WE WISH THE PRESIDENT WOULD PARDON

Every Thanksgiving since Daddy Bush took office, one lucky turkey is spared the chopping block and allowed to live out its turkey life on a farm, fucking other turkeys and generally doing turkey things. Here are 5 other foods we wish would be put out to pasture.

1. Goji/acai/whatever berries.

Superfoods. Superfoods. SUPERFOODS! See, it’s annoying, isn’t it? Unless this shit’s gonna make me fly, chill out.

2. Artisanal­–anything. Especially at fast food places. Wendy’s, how you gonna front like that sandwich is “artisanal?”

I know you know that dough came out of a bag.

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salt together in a medium gown. Pour mixture over the pecans. Bake until set, 20 to 25 minutes 6. Once cooled, place pre–made apple pie filling around the inside of the crust, leaving room in the center of the pie for the pumpkin 7. For the pumpkin pie filling, whisk the pumpkin, heavy cream, sugar, egg and spice together. Pour the filling into the center of the pie with the apples as a border. Bake the pie until the pumpkin center is set with just a slight jiggle, 50 minutes to 1 hour. Sprinkle the reserved 1/3 cup chopped pecans around the pie and enjoy.

3. Quinoa. Don’t get me wrong, quinoa is the best thing since slice­d­–bread. Unfortunately, the gluten–free fanatics seems to agree, and quinoa prices are climbing as the grain, in various processed forms, is being shoved into every nook and cranny of gluten–free goods.

4.Chipotle/Sriracha–flavored everything. Huy Fong’s Sriracha is great. Bobby’s chipotle ketchup is also pretty dope. But sometimes I just want plain mayo on my sandwich, not chipotle–lime sriracha honey mustard unicorn jizz 5. Pumpkin Spi– ahh fuck it.

Let that one die.

FOOD & DRINK

Broccoli-Spinach Pie

Side dishes in the form of a pie? Some say madness. We say genius. Broccoli and spinach make great pie fillings because they hold up well when cooked and become creamy and delicious when mixed with the right ingredients and baked to perfection.

Ingredients: 1 cup frozen spinach, thawed and squeezed 2 cups broccoli florets 1 egg

2 shallots, finely cropped 1 clove garlic salt and pepper olive oil 1 pre-made pie crust

Steps: 1. Preheat the oven to 400F and set the pie crust out to thaw 2. Sautee shallots in olive oil until tender. Add garlic and cook for 2 more minutes 3. In a medium bowl, mix together broccoli, spinach, egg, cheese and salt and pepper to taste. Stir in shallots 4. Place thawed pie crust in pie pan and transfer broccoli mixture to the center of the pan. Fold the crust around the mixture in the middle. Brush egg wash over the rim. Bake for 25 to 35 minutes.

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ARTS

DAVID RITTENHOUSE GALLERIES

Since our first day at Penn we've been indoctrinated to believe that DRL is the pits. But what about all of the art on the second, third, and fourth floors of DRL? This week, Arts investigates what makes DRL beautiful.

How is the art collected?

What's your favorite piece of art in DRL? One of my favorites is the painting of birch trees that hangs near the intersection of 4C and 4E— partly because of the striking colors and partly because I’ve seen forests of birches that look like that out in Utah.”

Told by Professor Stephen S. Shatz Professor of Mathematics Emeritus 2015 Courses: MATH114 (Calculus, Part II)

“Some 15 years ago, when the current Dean of the College, Dr. Dennis DeTurck, was chair of the math department, he had occasion to visit me in my office to discuss a departmental matter. I have art in my office, and at the end of our conversation, Dennis proposed that we use some extra funds we had in hand to purchase art for our public walls in DRL. He further proposed that I be a ‘committee of one’ to curate any collection we amassed by this method to be carried out over the years in the future. I responded by suggesting an experiment to see if I was the person to be entrusted with this responsibility. That experiment went over well enough for Dennis to set me in the post of curator.

I have continued buying art, using some funds made available to me for the past 15 years (under the different chairs we have had in our system of rotating department chairs), and the department has had the art mounted with security devices on our walls.

I often say that I’ve no difficulty finding appropriate and beautiful things, the problem is always ‘can we afford them?’"

Professor Andre Scedrov

Professor Andrea J. Liu

Hepburn Professor of Physics 2015 Courses: PHYS518 (Introduction to Condensed Matter Physics) “My favorite is a photo of oil droplets hanging in the physics faculty lounge in the 2E wing of DRL. It was done by my friend and collaborator, Sidney Nagel, who is a physicist at the University of Chicago. The simplicity, the elegance of the curves and the texture of the oil droplets really appeal to me.”

Professor Dennis M. DeTurck

Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, Mathematics Professor, Robert A. Fox Leadership Professor in the School of Arts and Sciences, Riepe Faculty Master 2015 Courses: MATH240 (Calculus III) “The art on the walls in the math department started to appear back around 2000 while I was department chair, coincidental with the department’s 100th birthday celebration in 1999.

Chair of the Mathematics Department, Mathematics Professor, Computer and Information Science Professor 2015 Courses: N/A “The paintings on DRL’s upper floors are a wonderful part of the daily lives of everyone who comes to DRL to take classes and for those who work there. The paintings improve significantly the surroundings and the feel in the building’s interior.”

Professor Mark J. Devlin

Reese W. Flower Professor of Astronomy, Astrophysics Professor, Colbert Report Interviewee (Check out online for the link!)

2015 Courses: ASTR001 (Survey of the Universe) “That’s a tough one. How do you make DRL look good? There are a number of really nice pieces on the fourth floor, which were purchased

by Prof. Shatz in the math department. The one that has the biggest effect on me is called ‘The Towers.’ It references the World Trade Center.

It is kind of bleak, but an important reminder every time I go past. Other than that, I have a collection of really nice astronomy–based images on the wall of my office. My favorite is a very large image of the Milky Way.”

Did you notice the Nikola Tesla bust inside the front of DRL? Told by Professor Tom C. Lubensky

Christopher H. Browne Distinguished Professor of Physics 2015 Courses: PHYS 240, PHYS250 (Principles IV: Modern Physics)

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"There was this English teacher in Michigan trying to put a statue or bust of Tesla in every reputable physics department in the country. I got a call from him when I was chair. We decided to let him come down and we had a little event [to celebrate].

It’s a longer story online (Ed. Note: ntesla.org/ntesla/NT-P1. html) and he continues to put them all over the place. There are busts at Harvard, Yale, Princeton, MIT, Caltech, Michigan, Wisconsin, Maryland, Illinois, Purdue, Penn, Georgia Tech, you could go down the list—there are 19 of them now."

ARTS

​REVIEW: DRL ART GALLERY

You are probably going to fail Astro, but at least you'll have something pretty to look at while you slam your head against the wall.

DRL is a visual desert (re: my eyes burn), but the math department art collection on the top two floors is an aesthetic oasis.

The collection is primarily abstract. The math department corridors of whitewashed cinderblock are lined with frames of geometric patterns, crosshatchings, letters and symbols.

The abstract art on the walls reflects the abstract thought within the classrooms; these works are not an imitation of reality but rather an interpretation of it. In the creation of both abstract art and mathematical identities, elements observed in the physical world are conceptualised beyond recognition.

There is a distinct lack of people and faces represented on the walls. The absence of figurative work is representative of no math celebrities existing, but it also suggests a universal rather than personal endeavour of mathematics. Even if you can’t do it without 20 office hours of your TA's help, the logic of binomial expansion is true to every mind.

The secret art collection in DRL unites objective with subjective, thinking with feeling. It serves as a reminder—if ever you need one at Penn—of the many lenses through which a given discipline can be studied. The "left/right" division of the brain never made perfect sense to me. Conscious people walk around with both halves of their brain on, always. To polarize word and image in opposition to equation is to categorize the human mind and impose an amorphous, confining structure on something infinitely more flexible. The DRL art gallery is a testament to the balance we all need sometimes.

Professor Andrea J. Liu's favorite piece of art in DRL.

Professor Dennis M. DeTurck's favorite piece in DRL.

NOW OPEN!

Professor Mark J. Devlin's favorite piece in DRL.

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SHOUTOUTS

To my hickeys: You To the Mask and last longer than my rela- Wig guy who took my ticket: You can tionships. only show me to my seat To my next door if it's on your face. neighbor: She's faking To the Liz Lemon it. who walked home To the French peo- on Halloween sans ple: You're not assholes phone, coat and because you're French. shoes: At least you still You're assholes because had your night cheese. you sent us Madeon.

To the boy I was To the boys on the hooking up with: Seeswim team: If you get ing you leave Qdoba was just two more MERTs, honestly kind of a dealthe next one will be free! breaker.

SHOUTOUTS S T U O T U O H S To the chapstick in the LGBT center: Thank you for reminding us that the gays do everything better.

To my abroad friends: I comfort myself with the knowledge that you'll all come back from your travels a little bit fatter.

To the chicken over rice man: When I tell my parents I have found a steady Penn boyfriend, I'm talking about you.

To the sophomore who doesn't know her boyfriend is a crackhead: Guess what?

He's a crackhead.

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SHOUTOUTS

To the radical feminist in my gender studies class: Call me if you're into more than just commodity fetishism.

To the girls who text first: Love you, Mom!

To the shoe I lost at Madeon: May you rest in pee.

To the freshman in the Captain America costume who peed on our sofa on Halloween: Consider yourself dishonorably discharged.

To SDT: Did you really approve this ZBT No Shave November event?

How are you going to kiss your boyfriends?

To the AXO girl in the "ratchet" necklace: You are what is wrong with Penn.

To Joe's Cafe: Your mediocre rushed morning coffee and shitty pastry selection has saved me from skipping every am class during my bout of senioritis.

To Penn Police: That paddy wagon is almost To the THEOS boy Thank you. who started licking always unnecessary. my asshole while To SDT late nights: To the Penn Band: going down on me: You'll never be as Old pledging habits die sceney as Huntsman Shhhh. late nights. hard?

To the frosh who asked me to dance To the freshman girl To the residents so he could "learn in my seminar who I found smoking for his wedding": No. talks about herself weed in the same and her family and spot 3 times: Fool To the 70 year old her life every time me once shame on you, man who rides his she raises her hand, Fool me twice shame on Razor scooter by no matter the topic: me, Fool me thrice..fuck Huntsman everyday: You're doing college it, let me take a hit.

2002 doesn't feel like it wrong.

To the girl in my was THAT long ago.

To the Student Life class: Can you stop To the building at employee I made being the only one to 33rd and Walnut: out with: Why do my do the reading? You're You're the reason I nev- speaker requests still making us look bad. er go to class. (Ed note: take forever to get apTo the founder of which building? The proved?

Frackit who lost her suspense is killing us.)

Barbour at Woodser: Don't feel bad, none To the girl who shouted for of us are using your product either. me to go "deeper!": I'm hitting To the SWUG eating McNuggets at Smokes at 12:30am on a Saturday: I love you.

To a cute junior boy who gives terrible blowjobs: I thought being in Mask and Wig would teach you how to use your mouth.

your cervix. You KNOW I dun ran outta dick.

To the girl who gave me a concussion: I To the kid who smeared shit all over forget. our bathroom: I don't To Kappa Sig dog: know who you are, but Stop shitting in the I have a very particular hall, it ruins my walk of set of skills; skills that make me a nightmare shame. for people like you. I will To the Penn Ski look for you, I will find Team Officer Board: you, and I will kill you.

When you said you go down fast, you really To the Women's weren't kidding. Call me! Varsity Swim Team: I don't think making out To Kappa Sig: How with each other should much is that doggy in count as "team bonding." the window?

To my roommate who never cleans: I hid some leftover Beijing in your room... try and find it.

To the girl I was dancing with that mistook my wallet for my penis, and then started grinding on it: I'm disturbed and flattered that you think my cock is 3 inches wide and reaches 8 inches down my inseam.

To SDT late nights: You'll never be as sceney as Huntsman late nights.

To my Soc TA: You look exactly like the bitchy girl on "How to Get Away with Murder" and it makes me like you less. I am sorry, I To the architects think it's pavlovian. behind Van Pelt: Did you really not think the To OCR: I sweat more first floor needed a bathfrom you than from sex room? and working out combined.

To the SDT girl who looks like Dobby To the slack liners from Harry Potter: of high rise fields: No one likes a sassy Can you knot? house elf.

To my housemate who keeps borrowing my toothpaste without asking: Thank you! Makes me feel so much better about borrowing your boyfriend without askTo a certain publiing. cation printed every To the THEOS se- weekday: You're writniors who go to Pot- ers dont no grammer. truck together everyday: When you all To my roommate: walk out of the gym with Thank you for always smoothies in hand, it's putting me to bed after like the start of a soft– finding me drunk and asleep on the toilet. core gay porno.

To the two girls who dressed up as Thai prostitutes for Halloween: Your costumes were Chinese.

To the engineer dating my ex: The Rodin bathroom was OUR thing.

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SHOUTOUTS

To the guy jacking off in the first floor bathroom of DRL: Thank you. I really thought my life couldn't be any worse after I failed my Astro exam and didn't land any of the 60 companies I spent hours OCRing for, but then I realized I could be you.

To that kid in Zete: You're from Ohio, calm down.

To the girl in my hall whose iPhoto was public for the first month of school: You look great naked.

To the boy who ended things because he couldn't handle his feelings for me: I didn't know we were in a relationship. Thanks for cluing me in.

To the girl I fed peanut M&Ms who's actually allergic to peanuts: I promise I wasn't trying to kill you.

To Kappa Sig: So who's the chair for the committee that requires at least one person to sit in the front yard for at least six hours straight every day?

To my bank count: Whoops.

ac-

To Castle: For a frat To my Spanish class To Elmo: We liked To the Newman Centhat supports Vagina on the third floor of you before it was main- ter: You're the uncircumcised version of HilMonologues, you guys DRL: No vale la peña. stream. lel. sure are a bunch of cocks.

To the girl who's hooked up To the guy who cheated on me freshTo the worst profeswith three different West man year: I've slept sor at Penn: You have Point cadets this semester: with each of your three just talked about how to subsequent boyfriends. calculate an average for Thank you for your service.

40 minutes. I feel myTo whoever stole my self getting dumber.

To the boy who got To the "Sarah" with forks: Why the fuck did To the NROTC: I'm arrested at a Bloom- chlamydia from the you take my forks? I can't feature eat pasta with a spoon. a pacifist, I promise. I ers after party: You Street's have no idea why the almost had a cool story about Sluts: I've had uniforms turn me on so to tell your kids. Almost. an STD too. You're not To all of my friends who won't stop makalone. much. Can I get an oooing fun of my dad To the Chipotle rah?

Campus Rep: Thanks To a certain bar- jokes: Try and keep a at Tap more "oh, pun" mind.

To the Penn football for being my meal plan tender House: Stop Facebook (Ed. note: Come write for team: Do you even lift, this semester. messaging me... you're Lowbrow.) bro?

To anyone who ever never going to Tap that.

To the rando I To Kweder: What was looks through my pictures: To the Sig Ep who fucked after meeting it like when you found phone's messaged in the Radian elevaout Keith Richards stole 90% of them are screen- Tinder shots of text messages me while we were tor: I can't remember your look? to which I don't know in the same room: your face, so sorry about To St. A's: Nice move how to respond. STAY I think that says a lot all the weird times we'll about why you can't get have in the Radian elevamaking that dirty rush AWAY. tor from now on. laid. event on Rosh HashaTo the bearded kid nah.

To the guy I met in who sits in the back the elevator and had To the Owls boy of my cinema studTo Hill sex with: Who are who looks like Josh ies class: You are brunch: I'm you?? I literally can't rePeck: There’s still uglier than the average member your face... (Ed. hope. Drake is uglier dumb guy and dumber a lady in the note: Who knew Shouthan the average ugly than Josh now. sheets, but a touts would become guy. a missed connections To all Pike brothfreak at the page) ers: Please find a bet- To the college hall buffet. ter pick up line than security guard: You To Saladworks: My “Do you wanna watch a are my sunshine. love for you is ever lastmovie?"

To Sweetgreen: If I'm To the Blarn bounc- ing, much like your salTo the Bryn Mawr paying ten dollars for er who told me my ads. "wasn't even girls who crash all a salad you better not ID of our parties: Being drop my lettuce leaves close": Please con- To reporters from publicaa "part-time Penn stu- on the counter. Those sider the fact that under national 21s are the only clien- tions: Stop attending dent" doesn't mean you things are precious. our frat parties and writtele you have. go here. ing about it. We're emTo my date-party To abroad people: date: I just totally con- To Friars Senior barrassed by it and you We get that you went to fused the terms boat Society: I dare you to should be too. (Ed. note: Oktoberfest, it's really racing and motorboat- take up more spots on Do you even know anybody here? What's your unique and interesting ing and made this really senior superlatives. ratio?) awkward. I'm sorry. of you.

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THE WORST OF SHOUTOUTS SHOUTOUTS

Shoutouts can be funny in a lot of different ways. Some are witty, some are bitchy, some are snarky, some are crazy. And some are just plain terrible. Here are those ones.

We See What You’re Going For, But… Shoutout to castle for sucking How is there ago ogle form here. (Ed. note: this is exactly how it was written)

(Ed. note: Someone actually took the time to make and submit this. Meow!)

To the guy who I very specifically remember had door duty at a TEP Halloween party last year and was dressed as Augustus Caesar: You know who you are.

And you can go fuck yourself. If it were the 1400s and I was a European colonist I would purposefully give you a blanket full of smallpox.

You Used a Real Name, But That Wasn’t the Problem doosk holmes

To my friends: I hate you. Like, almost all of you. I've never felt lonelier than when I know you're all I have. Stop being assholes.

Hey sorry can I recall a shoutout? Something to do with a gay joke. I think it'll be really bad for him to read that.

Thanks for understanding. (Ed. note: we didn’t print it. We printed this though...)

To Zeta Tau Alpha: I am so glad I found this amazing sisterhood. I would literally have no friends without you!!!!

What?

Hadji is the best rapper dapper fapper!

To all the Robs out there: you guys are T. best This definitely was NOT written by Susanna —Madeline Sophie

Slurm Slurm

SHOUTOUTS

BY THE NUMBERS Number Published:

To Street: You've published my shoutouts every semester... on the worst shoutouts list. Thank you for crippling my self esteem, I thought I had a sense of humor.

Shout out to that whom they call the Panda-Mouse!

Can you tell this is me? -Jordyn

Total Submitted:

Just Plain Sad

682 94

Acceptance Rate:

13.78%

Kids in Apes Doing Normal Things Kids in Apes order Flatizza's from Subway because they think they're healthy.

Kids in Apes listen to Leona Lewis Kids in Apes never put the toilet seat up while they pee Kids in Apes abide by the one–drink–an– hour rule

Street's gonna spread its wings.

It's our chance to shine.

Stay tuned.

Joke issue. 12/4.

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B AC K PAG E

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