October 23, 2014

October 23-October 29, 2014 34st.com

october 23 LOL

3 HIGHBROW

STOPDOWNFROMTHEEDITOR

2014

I absolutely hate startups.

I’ve worked at startups, I constantly read about startups, I even wrote a 2,000 word article for this very magazine about startups. Nevertheles, I hate “startups.”

What I love is technology.

I love when people find ways to use code to solve problems: when my life—or the lives of people anywhere in the world—is made vastly better through some carefully engineered lines of type or tiny processors. I love computer science. I love hardware engineering. I love user experiences. I looooooove Jony Ive. But the way that the word "startup" has been abused over the past five years makes me furious. Everything these days is a startup. Except it’s not. Kinda like “literally,” “ridiculous,” and “seriously,” “startup” has almost entirely lost its mean-

roundup, tour questions and answers, overheards, word on the street

4 EGO

eotw shapiro twins, penn culture crossword puzzle

LOL

LOL

LOL

6 MUSIC

t.i. review, you have to listen to this, artists then and now, sonnet

8 FILM

interview with the director, philly film festival reviews, whiplash review

10 FEATURE

unconventional startups

13 FOOD & DRINK

capofitto profile, streeeats, some yeast stuff

LOL

LOL

15 ARTS

contrapposto, exhibit review

18 LOWBROW

lowbrow for women

ing. Literally, the concept of a startup is seriously ridiculous.

Ugh. I’m all about people stretching their mind muscles and working on projects in their spare time. It’s exactly what I do with this magazine, only I use English and PDFs instead of HTML and CSS. But let’s call it what it is, whatever it is.

For some people, it’s an app.

For others, a small business.

For still others, it’s an enterprise. But I’m sick of startup.

You’re creative enough to start a business—you can think of a better way to refer to it.

Don't get me wrong, I wish more Penn students would have the courage and imagination to start something. I just also wish they wouldn’t call it a startup.

IN HONOR OF RENEE'S NEW LOOK, REQUIRED ATTIRE FOR TONIGHT'S WRITERS' MEETING WILL BE AN ENTIRELY NEW FACE.

20 BACKPAGE

beer for beer haters

Writers' Meeting | 6:30pm | 4015 Walnut

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief Patrick Ford-Matz, Managing Editor Abigail Koffler, Digital Director Margot Halpern, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Byrne Fahey, Assistant Design Ling Zhou, Assistant Design Conor Cook, Highbrow Emily Johns, Highbrow Ciara Stein, Ego Nicole Malick, Ego Alyssa Berlin, Food and Drink Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink Clare Lombardo, Film and TV 2

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Katie Hartman, Film and TV Alexandra Sternlicht, Features Julia Liebergall, Features Marley Coyne, Features Lucy Hovanisyan, Music Mark Paraskevas, Music Justin Sheen, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Rosa Escandon, Lowbrow Adam Hersh, Lowbrow Ariela Osuna, Backpage Patrick del Valle, Backpage Sara Thalheimer, Copy Editor Orly Greenberg, Copy Editor

Giulia Imholte, Senior Web Producer Diane Bayeux, Web Producer Rachel Rubin, Web Producer Cassandra Kyriazis, Web Producer Casey Quackenbush, Social Media Editor COVER DESIGN: Margot Halpern COVER PHOTO: Sarah Tse BACKPAGE DESIGN: Ariela Osuna Contributors: Ali Greenstein, Ben Lerner, Paul Dinapoli, Diego Figueroa, Michael Gu, Joyce Pan, Katrina Murray Syra Ortiz-Blanes

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief, at bower@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "Colon, closed–parentheses." ©2014 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

TOURING PENN: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

wordonthestreet

HOUSING MY CONCERNS

This week, Highbrow collected actual questions asked during Penn admission tours.

Let us guide you through what you need to know and what’s actually relevant.

Lea

“Can I carry my gun on campus?”

West Philly isn’t that unsafe. Chill, bro.

st R

ele

“How good is your college for morticians?”

So good that people are dying to get in.

van

t

“What is a DFMO?” Meet us at Rumor tonight...

“Do you have homework?”

Homework is so high school.

“Has Penn gentrified West Philly?”

There used to an entire neighborhood where the high rises are. So.

“How’s your sex life?”

Highbrow declines comment, but yes, this is very Mo st R relevant.

ele

“So if you’re a legacy do you even have to apply?”

Is your last name Perelman or Huntsman? If not, shhhh.

THEROUNDUP Attention: R&B sensation, Usher, graced Penn’s campus this week. He gave Highbrow his blessing to keep sharing West Philly’s juiciest gossip. Seriously though, we saw him at Metropolitan Cafe on Wednesday morning.

Want to hear a sick joke? After a birthday BYO, one overserved Fiji senior decided to keep the party going at the TriDelt chapter house. Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t hold himself together and puked all over their couch. Embarrassed, the drunkard tried to cover it up with pillows...but fell asleep on top of it instead, leaving a pleasant surprise for the sisters in the morning. Maybe the TriDelt house really is the illest house on Spruce.

Speaking of puking, seniors aren’t the only ones making a mess. Before the annual OZtoberfest, the brothers hosted a rush event pregame, featuring sophomore girls dressed up as beermaidens. The girls’ job was to make the rushes drink, but it seems like they did their job a little too well—six freshmen were puking within the first 30 minutes. The brothers had to tell these ladies to slow down, but in our opinion, if you can’t handle your liquor—auf wiedersehen.

Bodily fluids were a common theme this week. It looks like Penn’s serial shitter might be making a comeback. Students found a pair of shit–covered boxers lying in the middle of a Huntsman bathroom. Apparently, this student managed to annihilate both the toilet and his boxers. Maybe the stress of midterms was too much for this sad Whartonite. And you thought you were having a shitty night in Huntsman...

One junior girl, on the other hand, had an MDMA-zing night this week. After drinking a little too much at a downtown, this drunk scenester thought some coke would make her more alert. However, after doing a quick line in the club’s bathroom, she noticed that she had the wrong baggie o’ drugs. Our friend started to roll, realizing that she had grabbed Molly—not her coke. We all make mistakes, but sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches.

van

t

over heard PENN at

Recent Penn Grad: I mean, every American girl wants a threesome.

Girl with a 3.9: Mom, you know that I'd have a 4.0 if I were going to Penn State.

Friendly TriDelt: I made out with 3 girls tonight...but it’s not slutty because they’re girls, right?

Hungry Girl: I don’t want to drink, but I can’t get McDonald’s fries unless I’m drunk.

Tour Guide: We all know Ben Franklin was a guy who really liked to eat, drink and party.

BY ALYSSA BERLIN

A pre–frosh recently asked me what my least favorite part of Penn is. My immediate answer was housing. Everything about housing at Penn is ruthless and the process induces frustration and anxiety.

At a school where everything we do is highly competitive, planning where you are going to live is that one thing that should be stress–free.

When you come to Penn as a freshman, it feels like you are forced to decide on your housing for the entirety of your sophomore year less than a month after you arrive on campus. You need to decide if your NSO best friends are the people you will want to live with for the following year. You have to choose between living off campus, in an apartment like the Radian, in a high rise or in your potential greek community—before you even know if you will be joining a house. Everything about housing is thrust upon you right at the beginning of the year, and it’s a lot to figure out.

At many other schools, students stay on campus for the majority of their college careers. Penn is unique because it has so many other options available in place of traditional dorms. As college students, we have the opportunity to “play house” with our best friends and get our first taste of the responsibilities and realities that come with living under a landlord. Without parents or RA’s telling us what to do, we can live on our own and learn how to fend for ourselves—or at least try to.

Off–campus housing is a great opportunity to take advantage of at Penn, but the timeline and atmosphere under which the related decisions take place is problematic. Finding an available house is hard enough, and it’s nearly impossible to figure out what you’ll want a year away from your decision.

Leases need to be signed by mid–October, which puts housing on everyone’s mind at the start of the school year. The rush to sign a lease and lock down a location creates a pressure that fuels selfishness. If you’re not watching your back, you’ll get screwed over by everyone else who is. Everyone is in a rush to decide as well, and they don’t always stop to think about whom they might be excluding and how their decisions may affect others.

The process sucks. I had a crappy experience with housing my sophomore year, and it singlehandedly contributed to my unhappiness that first semester.

But, later that year, I came to the realization that a lot of these decisions aren’t made with the intention to hurt. Rather, they’re made because of the situational constraints on the housing process here. Maybe your living situation won't be ideal, but it also shouldn’t make or break your time at Penn. It’s all sort of downhill after the Quad, anyways.

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EGO 1

Don't have enough homework? Seeking a little mental pilates?

Prove how well you know Penn with Ego's first–ever crossword.

Across 2. What type of machine cleans up toast at football games?

6. The Addam’s Family house was modelled after which campus building?

8. What is the most common 15 word in the song “The Red and the Blue?”

10. Where was the previous Penn campus located?

13. PAACH stands for Pan–Asian American ____ House 14. Where on campus can you find a printing press dating back to 8 the 1800s?

15. What night is Sink or Swim at Smoke's?

6

7

9

10

11

12

13

14

Answers: Across: 2. Zamboni, 6. College Hall, 8. Hurrah, 10. Ninth Street, 13. Community, 14. Common Press, 15. Wednesday Down: 1. Two liter, 3. Education Commons, 4. Harnwell, 5. Harrison, 7. LUCY, 9. Bowl Fight, 11. ENIAC, 12. Ringe

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Down 1. What size soda bottle was invented by a senior design engineer?

3. What study space prominently features beanbag chairs?

4. Which high rise is closest to 38th Street bridge?

5. Which US president went to Penn?

7. What is the free University City bus route?

9. What controversial custom involved sophomores watching freshman duke it out?

11. The first computer, called ______, was developed in secret at Penn.

12. Play squash at the ____ Squash Courts

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EGO

EGOSOF THE WEEK: ERIC AND WYATT SHAPIRO

They may look alike, but Eric and Wyatt are one of a kind. Back from an Engineers Without Borders excursion, trombonist Wyatt leads the Mask and Wig band. Eric drums in African Rhythms and facilitates the Fellowship for Building Intercultural Communities.

Rumor is they might be the first pair of Sphinx twins.

Street: What are you guys studying?

Eric Shapiro: I’m in Wharton doing an individualized concentration in Innovative Leadership and Education.

Wyatt Shapiro: I study mechanical engineering, so I always joke that combined we’re M+T. But two people.

Not as impressive.

Street: Eric, you transferred from NYU—what’s the biggest difference between NYU students and Penn students?

ES: There’s so many...

WS: I can sum it up. The man bun was more popular.

ES: I didn’t have it then!

Well, the fashion is very different. You’re also in New York, so people just do crazy things.

Street: How does the Fellowship for Building Intercultural Communities work?

ES: It’s a group of seven upperclassmen and we work with 12-15 freshmen and sophomores...The discussion component hits on various topics: microaggressions, power and oppression, various topics. That really builds off of the lived experience and the experience people are bringing into the room...The other main component is the capstone, which is wa project that the fellows create all together and execute.

Street: And do you go see Wyatt’s Mask and Wig shows?

ES: Yeah!

WS: Funny story actually, freshman year, most guys didn’t know I had a twin.

And they saw him out in the audience and they were like, “What the fuck? Wyatt, get your ass back in the band-

stand, what are you doing?!”

They were freaking out. All of the cast was just watching “me” watch them, and I’m supposed to be in the back.

Street: And Wyatt, you also work with Engineers without Borders?

WS: Yeah, I traveled all the way out to Cameroon...We try to implement sustainable engineering solutions...

The point is, we don’t buy or bring materials over, we do it all locally. And we contract a lot of the stuff out, like for carpenters, construction, it’s all local people. We’re just there to make the solutions as simple as possible, and sustainable.

Street: What projects did you work on?

WS: We worked on a water filtration system that also served as water storage. We actually managed to triple the water capacity and reduced bacteria by tenfold within the current system they had.

Street: Describe the other twin in three words.

WS: I would say grungy, greasy, and something else with a g... gregarious ES: Fratty.

WS: I’m not fratty at all!

ES: Okay so alt-fratty, nice, good looking. No, man-bunless and beard-less.

Street: Did you ever swap places as children?

WS: I mean we did it in middle school. One of us would get up, and ask to go to the bathroom, and then the other one would be waiting outside the door. The first one would walk out, and then two minutes later the other one would walk back in. It worked! The teacher didn’t know.

ES: It was pretty funny because we had different clothes

on.

WS: We didn’t even try. And all the kids of course were giggling, they knew right away.

Street: So who’s older?

ES: I am. By a minute.

WS: He also holds that over me.

Street: Do you guys hang out a lot?

WS: No. ES: You brought us together.

WS: Thank you! I mean we text, sometimes.

Street: Give us a cheesy pick up line.

ES: My pick-up line would be “No, I’m not Wyatt” or something like that.

WS: Like... “Girl here are some skittles, let me taste the rainbow,” something like that. Or I would pop some skittles in her mouth then say that.

ES: This only furthers my, “No, I’m not Wyatt.”

Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you drink?

ES: We’d have nice pour– over coffee, but I don’t know who it would be with.

WS: Buddha, man. You’d have it with Buddha for sure.

ES: I don’t think he’d accept.

WS: I’d have Early Grey tea with J. J. Johnson, he’s a trombone player and my idol.

Street: What’s the most disappointing present you’ve ever gotten?

WS: Eric.

Street: Shouldn’t it be the other way round, if he was born first?

ES: Yeah, that’s my answer, I’m taking that one.

WS: No, screw you, that’s my answer.

ES: That doesn’t make any

sense.

Street: Tell us about your first kisses.

WS: Mine was pretty good, I think...It was post-movie, post-dinner...post-quesadillas.

ES: Mine was pretty sloppy.

It was in a movie theater—it was one of the Bond movies.

Street: If you are what you eat, what are you?

ES: Knowledge.

WS: Probably Hot Cheetos and Takis.

Street: What’s your guilty pleasure?

ES: Coffee.

WS: That’s not a guilty pleasure.

ES: But I spend $4 on it.

Street: What will you be doing on this day in 10 years?

ES: I’d be doing a lot of shit—running a coffee shop, directing a film, doing something cool with entrepreneurship and education.

WS: I’d say setting up shop for Shapir–bros Incorporated. Who knows what we’ll be. It’ll encompass education, coffee and some machines in the back. It could be a toy making company.

ES: Coffee for adults and toys for kids. That’s our one–line summary.

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MUSIC

Music takes a look at the life of singer/songwriter Andrew McMahon and his progression from angsty pop to solo act.

Ex-bands: Something Corporate and Jack’s Mannequin

What was good about Something Corporate: Angsty, piano–driven pop that kicked you in the gut and consoled you at the same time.

Rating then: ASounds best when: Walking to Sabrina’s for Sunday brunch after a long night out.

What was good about Jack’s Mannequin: You experienced McMahon’s musical coming of age as a songwriter; he could write the music better than you could ever feel it.

What’s good about Andrew McMahon: He may be uncertain of what direction he’s heading (see “The Pop Underground EP”), but he’s slowly venturing back to where he started with his latest project, “Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness.” He’s at the piano, weaving every melancholic lyric into a simple melody. All that’s missing is a band. He’s a convincing solo artist, but he sounds more comfortable as the leading force of a group.

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Rating then: A Sounds best when: Sitting alone in Huntsman, reminiscing on high school instead of actually studying.

Interested?

Check him out at The Electric Factory on November 14th.

Rating now: B Sounds best when: Running along the Schuylkill at sunrise.

MUSIC

YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS: RL GRIME In an age where electronic dance music (or EDM, as the kids are calling it these days) is ever so popular and tickets for festivals like Ultra and TomorrowWorld sell out in minutes, it's a shame that electro artists' styles are beginning to converge. Was that a remix by Afrojack or Tiesto? Telling DJ/producer Martin Garrix’s songs apart is as easy as distinguishing one Mumford & Sons song from another. Fortunately, 22– year–old L.A. producer Henry Steinway, better known as RL Grime, is making unique waves in the electronic mu-

sic scene. More specifically, he’s killing it in the relatively new trap music scene. RL Grime is one of Steinway's two alter–egos. The first, Clockwork, he adopts to produce his mega–club bangers (think Avicii, Hardwell and Afrojack), like his “Levels” remix.

RL Grime is the meaner, more sinister side of Steinway’s music. His unique style combines southern hip–hop roots (the original trap music) with new–age electronic dance music, constantly pushing boundaries and redefining the genre. While

songs like “Tell Me” and “Core” stay true to trap music’s heavy bass and snares, the pitchy, laser–like synths that wail and whine alongside hard rap make every RL Grime song a multifaceted, sensory experience. His “Mercy” remix and “Secondary,” off of his EP “High Beams,” show this pairing off in style. In “Secondary,” featured rapper Problem’s harsh lyrics deliver a punch quite unlike anything you've heard. RL Grime’s synths and static accentuate the song’s gritty, aggressive feel.

Henry Steinway’s music is

sinister, snappy and accentuated with deep bass. His new single “Reminder,” featuring singer–songwriter How to Dress Well (aka Tom Krell), takes it slow and shows a more lyrical, eerie side of his music. However, he maintains strong attention to rhythm, with the beat propelling the song forward and preventing the delicate vocals from stagnating.

With his performance at TomorrowWorld 2013 named “one of the best sets ever” by YourEDM.com, RL Grime is a breath of fresh air in the constantly evolving genre of elec-

tronic music. Culture magazine Vibe praises his shows as “authentic,” so you won’t be dealing with neon tank tops, flower crowns and the other tacky facets of mainstream electronic music culture. RL Grime’s exceptional mastery of tempo and melodies make his music electric and unpredictable. Better grab your ticket for his upcoming show in Philly—Oct. 30th at Electric Factory—which should be nothing short of the most unique “rave” you’ll everattend. I know I’ll be there.

MICHAEL GU

ALBUM REVIEW With so many new hip–hop artists coming out of Atlanta these days, you might question whether or not veteran T.I. is still king. With “Paperwork,” he makes clear he's not abdicating anytime soon. “King” kicks off the album in the right direction, followed by the hard–hitting “About the Money” and “New National Anthem,” which features a powerful hook from Skylar Grey (who is performing at SPEC Concerts’ World Café Live show this Saturday). “No Mediocre,” featuring starlet Iggy Azalea, lives up to its title, but some of the features (particularly Pharrell on title track “Paperwork”) drag the album down. While he isn’t quite in his prime anymore, T.I. still reminds us that he’s the man in the Atlanta rap scene.

MARK PARASKEVAS

Grade: B+ Download: “About the Money” Sounds best when: Finishing your last set at Pottruck, not giving a fuck.

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FILM & TV

REVIEW: "WHIPLASH"

One hundred intense minutes to remind you that music conservatories are so much harder than Penn.

By the Numbers: Nicholas Sparks does it again...sorta.

Nicholas Sparks movies are predictable, textbook examples of tearjerkers. They thrive on genre tropes aimed at making us cry. And as an audience, we understand that and accept it.

But Sparks’ most recent release, “The Best of Me,” is, frankly, an insult to fans of the genre.

The movie tells the tale of two former lovers (both Texas–born and bred), 21 years after their mysterious break up, coming together to settle the estate of an old guy they both cared for deeply who has just passed on. Current Amanda (played by Michelle Monaghan) and Current Dawson (played by James Marsden), from the very first scene, are clearly not over each other.

But Current Amanda is married with a son and a jackass husband, so rekindling her romance with Dawson would be inappropriate.

# of times the old guy reminisces about his love for his dead wife: Ugh, too many. Get over it, dude. # of minutes Young Dawson inexplicably has his shirt off:

7

# of times we laughed at inappropriate, supposed–to–be–sad moments:

4

# of times 1992 Amanda is dressed like it is 2014:

However many scenes she was in

# of times Dawson is seen reading a book to show he is smart: # of characters who “tragically” died so the movie could reach its painfully contrived ending:

3

2

# of characters you could easily guess were gonna die:

Also 3

# of times I wished I were watching “The Notebook”:

117, for every minute of the movie.

CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS 8

Grade: F– Rating and Run Time: PG–13, 117 minutes See If You Like: Dedicated hate–watching, or Luke Bracey's abdominal muscles.

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“Cry me a river,” Andrew Neyman would probably say to any of your daily Penn complaints—and he’d be justified. Let me be quite clear: do not see “Whiplash” to get away from all the overwhelming stresses of Penn culture. It’s anxiety–inducing start to finish, and as much as we like to fall into the worlds of onscreen characters, doing so here may leave you panicking more than ever. Real talk: things are more intense for Andrew at the Shaffer Conservatory of Music than they ever will be for you!

Andrew (Miles Teller) is a semi–arrogant young drumming student at Shaffer (basically Juilliard), who gets selected to join the advanced jazz ensemble of militaristic conductor Terence Fletcher (J.K. Simmons). Teller, from “The Spectacular Now” and that bro–comedy with Zac Efron, proves he can act. Simmons, from everything, including the newspaper editor in the Tobey Maguire “Spider–Man” and the dad in “Juno,” is already an established force, but you’ve never seen him like this: sociopathic.

Fletcher brings a whole new meaning to anger management issues, physically and mentally attacking students when they perform anything not to his liking. The political brouhaha at Penn would be unparalleled, but here, students just take his insults, screams and slaps, even as they are reduced to tears. It’s horrifying to watch, but Andrew wants to push himself to be the best, creating an ethical quandary about whether Fletcher’s methods are okay if he ends up fostering “the next Charlie Parker.”

The movie is filled with extended scenes of Andrew practicing so hard his hands bloody (brutal) and with lengthy jazz numbers, including the title song “Whiplash” (more pleasant). It has the pacing of a sports movie, but here, jazz is somehow more extreme and there are far fewer happy, successful moments. “Whiplash” features two award–worthy tour de force acting performances, but the entire thing is a panicky crescendo—which director Damien Chezelle no doubt intends.

So yeah, maybe you’re thinking, “Wow, this sounds insane! It’ll be a great reality check about collegiate life that will give me perspective and make me feel calmer.” Maybe! But maybe you’ll be like this reviewer whose heart pounded all the way home from Old City. “Whiplash” is incredibly well acted, but it’s hard to say I liked it.

Grade: B Rating and Run Time: R, 106 minutes See if you liked: “Fame,” “Psycho” BEN LERNER

FILM & TV

AN INTERVIEW WITH TEDDY SCHWARZMAN, PENN ALUM AND “THE IMITATION GAME” PRODUCER

have a different calculus as to what’s in their direct interest and what types of risks they can take.

I think the more you can take advantage of internships and take advanTeddy Schwarzman graduated from Penn in 2001 and founded his production company, Black tage of summers, and take risks at an early age to define your interests and Bear Pictures, in 2011. His newest film, “The Imitation Game,” screened at the Philadelphia Film figure out whether your skills coincide Festival on Saturday night and hits theaters on November 21. with them, it’s invaluable—because life, after school, becomes a very scary 34th Street Street Magazine: Magazine: “The “The Imita- tion of World War II, thereby leading TS: I was an English major at Penn.

34th place if you haven’t investigated yourtion Game” Game” tells tells Alan Alan Turing’s Turing’s story. to an allied victory, to his pioneering I always wanted to do something cretion self during your college years.

What about about his his life life attracted attracted you? you? thoughts on computer science. It was ative. English, and law, to some degree, What really a fascinating story and a fascinat- were the only things that I was actually Street: you could relive anything Street:If If you could relive anyTeddy Schwarzman: I didn’t know ing life. And the tragedy and injustice good at in school, but I never underthrough your time at Penn, thing through your time what at it, which was almost embarrassing at that came alongside that—the fact that stood how you could utilize that from a would be? would it be?

Penn,itwhat the time. I didn’t realize how thankful he kept as a secret almost all of his ac- career standpoint.

When I got into the business and leI should be for the contributions that complishments outside of the comTS: My freshman year, week three of he had made. Whether it’s his direct puter science sphere, which happened gal side and the aspects of producing, fall semester, some kids from another involvement in cracking the Enigma outside of the war, was treated so un- my background in law and finance led university were in the quad and ended code that really changed the direc- justly by the British government. He me to embrace it with a level of diliup on our floor, harassing some of the ultimately committed suicide. It just gence and ethics that was often lacking girls. I stepped in, which led to a fight, felt like this was a story that needed to within the industry. which led to me losing my front tooth, be told. There’s nothing about me as an which was a terrible way to go through Street:What Whatadvice advicewould would Street: youyou give individual that necessarily makes me your entire freshman year having no give to students Penn students interested the right person to tell it except that to Penn interested in going real friends yet. in going intocareers? creative careers? into creative I understood the importance of it and I probably would have had a very wanted to protect it. different experience had I not been TS: In hindsight, I think that resume physically traumatized. But I ended up building is incredibly important to Street: Penn for forununStreet:You You went went to to Penn finding great friends who I loved. It’s many, but people need to figure out dergrad you went to law dergradand andthen then you went to just a process of finding your niche and their unique set of circumstances and school.

How How did you up prolaw school. did end you end up having quiet conversations with people what is going to be driving them. ducing films?films? producing and developing relationships. I’ve endWhether it’s inherent ed up becoming much better friends individual satisfaction, with a ton of Penn people outside of or whether it’s base Penn, now that I’ve graduated. salary and student Last winter, the Queen of England granted comes to Bletchley Park, home of the Code and loans—everybody Party Packages for Groups upcan to 300 Innovative Menu Options Exemplary Service CLARE LOMBARDO English computer scientist Alan Turing a post- Cypher School, and much to the astonishment Full Bar Including Over 30 Beer Selections and 15 Moonshine Flavors humous royal pardon. Turing was convicted of of her teammates, she’s just as apt at decipher“gross indecency” by the British government in ing codes as they are. When her parents call her 1952, where homosexualilty was illegal until home to find a husband (she’s an elderly 25), Turing proposes to her to keep her around, but 1967. He committed suicide two years later.

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F E AT U R E

we will tell our children, in my day, we used to socialize very differently from the way you kids do now. We used to call and text our friends to decide on plans for a night, and it was usually the same group of friends, and sometimes they were busy so we didn’t do anything at all. We used to get dressed in clothes we chose ourselves. And when we went to a party, we took shots and drank mixed drinks. It was a simpler time.

For now, we’re the ones laughing. After all, most of us probably don’t think the ways we drink, dress and chill are broken. But that isn’t stopping Penn students and alumni from trying to fix them. In classic Quaker fashion, these young entrepreneurs are looking to change the world and make a buck — and to a lot of people, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Says Matthew Kalmans, a 2014 College graduate who founded his own political consulting company: “Everyone sees fit to call whatever idea they have, even the worst ones, a startup.”

But these ideas are not just technological spaghetti, thrown against the wall in the hope that something sticks. These junior tycoons think they’ve got the next big thing, whether you like it or not.

“Let’s rethink how we use the Internet for our social lives,” says Michael Powell, cofounder of the app Down to Chill, between sips of Saxby’s coffee.

Down to Chill lets you know which of your Facebook friends is free and would be interested in getting together. It shows you a series of your friends’ profiles, and if you want to chill, you swipe down and start a chat. In Michael’s words, it’s “Tinder for friends.”

That might sound like something we can already do by looking at people’s statuses on Facebook Messenger or just shooting them a text. But Michael and his cofounders—Penn students Adam Elkassas, Arjun Jain, Matt Wojcieszek (all Wharton '16)— believe their app represents a genuine innovation.

“Our main goal would be to recalibrate how people

1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E O C T O B E R 2 3 , 2 01 4

think about their friend groups,” he says, leaning forward. “It breaks down all the ‘oh, you’re in this frat, you’re in this sorority, you’re in this group of mine.’ It’s more just about how I can benefit from you and you can benefit from me.”

The idea was born last summer, when Michael and some friends were struggling to find people “down to chill” in a then–quiet University City.

“Someone should make an app that’s like a beacon,” Michael suggested to his friends, hanging out at the Sigma Nu chapter house. An app “that says ‘Oh, I’m free,’ so people could see the tags of people who wanted to hang out.”

His friends laughed. “Tinder for friends?”

The room fell silent.

“We all looked at each other like ‘Oh shit, let’s think about this,’” Michael recalls, setting down his empty coffee cup. “We started the next day.”

With a grant from the Wharton Innovation Fund, Michael and his cofounders have been refining the functionality of Down to Chill. So far they’ve gotten the app into the hands of campus reps at six universities and hired a public relations team in Cairo to test its international appeal.

The Down to Chill team is currently on a leave of absence to work on the company full–time. Michael’s convinced Down to Chill is worth putting his education on hold.

“My biggest goal—and this is kind of a joke—would be to turn down Facebook’s buyout offer. To have that option, to be at a table with Mark Zuckerberg.”

Andrew Levin, a 2014 College graduate, doesn’t want to revolutionize the way we live; he just wants to get us drunk more elegantly. Andrew and his business partner created a two–chamber shot glass they call a Snapshotr. Here’s how it works: put a chaser in the bottom chamber and a shot in the top.

Twist the glass, and you can drink the two in one gulp.

F E AT U R E

“I’m trying not to sound too fratty,” he says, “but you know how it is in the college scene.” Andrew remembers the routine of putting liquor in one cup and a chaser in another, awkwardly fumbling to drink them in succession — and then, throwing the cups right out. “The ‘two red cup’ approach to drinking,” he laments, is “wasteful, awkward and messy.”

Along with a friend, Andrew decided to build something more efficient.

What they didn’t anticipate was their gizmo’s applications outside the frat. “It makes the process of drinking kind of advanced, even for mixology,” Andrew believes. He rhapsodizes over the possibility of combining liquors and chasers of different densities or temperatures in a Snapshotr — beverages that would blow the mind of your average pledge on bar duty. He also highlights the visually “beautiful mixes” you can make in a Snapshotr.

Under the Button snarked last week that Snapshotr “solves a problem that didn’t need solving.”

Andrew laughs that off. “We think the product is resonating very well, regardless of what some uninformed blog writer has to say.”

Andrew’s counting on Snapshotr’s upcoming Kickstarter launch to confirm his opinion, but in the meantime he can point to positive coverage in Buzzfeed and Elite Daily for backup. And if you’re still thinking Snapshotr isn’t about to win a MacArthur Grant, well, Andrew doesn’t think so either.

His dream is more modest than that. “The end goal is trying to get it in bars and clubs,” he says. “Maybe, someday, they’ll come to the VIP table with two Snapshotrs.”

When Engineering sophomore Yagil Burowski

and 2014 Wharton graduate Edward Lando created a website for their app, BlackV Club, it only had one line of text: “You Dress Like Shit.” The product is no less provocative. BlackV Club, which is still in the development stage, has a simple purpose. “It’s an app that sells you black v–necks. That’s all it does,” Yagil says. “It’s this insane proposition.”

Despite that insanity—or maybe because of it—Yagil is sure there’s a market for his app. “What it actually sells is a lifestyle,” he says.

“It’s a lifestyle with fewer decisions.”

But couldn’t you acquire the necessary garb for this “lifestyle” from American Apparel or Amazon? “A lot of people say that,” he smirks. “And my answer is: but you don’t.”

Working in San Francisco over the summer, Yagil and Edward found themselves too busy to spend time picking out an outfit every morning. So they took to wearing only black v–necks as a way of reducing their “cognitive load” in style. “We were like, ‘okay, this is cool, this is so Zen,’” Yagil recounts. The point of BlackV Club is to share that stylish simplicity.

The reaction was far from simple.

Yagil says that within hours of posting the app’s website on industry forums, “we started getting hundreds of people signing up. Immediately. People started tweeting about it. I think within a few hours, we got an email from BetaBeat, or VentureBeat.” Yagil credits the app’s straightforwardness and provocative website in equal measure. “People say, ‘this is ridiculous,’” his voice drops. “And then they say, ‘but it’s genius.’”

It’s easy to look at these students’ projects as examples of a tech culture gone wild. That’s certainly been BlackV Club’s reception in most media outlets. Refinery29 called it the latest attempt to “trick a

bunch of hoodie–wearing tech investors into thinking you've reinvented the Internet.” Forbes used it as the centerpiece for an article on the new wave of counterintuitive single–use apps. Quartz half– snarked, half–raved that it “sounds like a joke, but it just might work.”

It’s a little too easy to laugh at unorthodox student businesses as the delusions of wannabe Mark Zuckerbergs. And it’s a little too unkind to accuse them of being long cons perpetrated by twenty-year-olds on overeager investors.

2014 Wharton grad Stephanie Weiner, a cofounder of the Dorm Room Fund who now works in venture capital, suggests that instead, we ought to look at these projects like any other undergraduate experimentation. “I don’t think it’s a bad thing to work on something small,” she says. Building an app or designing a product, and bringing that to market, can teach people the skills they need to succeed when they really do strike gold. Sure, some would–be entrepreneurs seem overly committed to silly ideas. But if you’re going to put in the right amount of time and effort, “you have to think it’s the next big thing,” Stephanie says.

If she’s right, then undergrad entrepreneurship is poised to keep growing. Starting a business might become just a normal part of college life, as unremarkable as joining an a capella group.

Everyone will half– heartedly support their friends’ startups and make fun of their roommates’ inventions, and everyone will also be occasionally delighted by a clever idea or fun launch event.

So, sure, we’ll probably still call our friends to make plans and dress ourselves in colorful clothes and take shots out of shot glasses. But that doesn’t mean these Penn entrepreneurs, and dozens like them, won’t have changed the world.

Adam Hersh is a senior anthropology major from Tenafly, New Jersey. He is the current Lowbrow editor for 34th Street.

Run by students and backed by First Round Capital, the Dorm Room Fund write grants for student companies.

Run by a student Innovation Fund Committee, The Weiss Tech House Innovation Fund provides gateway funding in grants of up to $5000 for student inventors.

The Wharton Venture Award provides a $10,000 summer grant to students entering their final year at the university to carry out innovative projects in lieu of traditional internships.

Student teams compete for over $125,000 in cash and prizes awarded at the Venture Finals.

This meta startup founded by two Penn students helps students find startup funding. The search engine streamline and simplifies the search process, like Expedia for entrepeneurs.

O C T O B E R 2 3 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

FILM & TV

STREET GOES TO THE

Art and Craft

While “Art and Craft” provides a deep exploration of a bizarre cat– and–mouse game between an art forger and museum registrars across the country, it lacks a real sense of urgency, sauntering along at its own pace, leaving the audience wanting more. See if you liked “Ocean’s Eleven,” or any other movie where you found yourself rooting for a morally ambiguous protagonist.

Grade: BOpens in theaters on October 31.

Charlie’s Country Despite

the

lightheartedness

that

comes with looking like a grown version of Donnie from the Wild Thornberrys, David Gulpilil’s performance as a displaced, aboriginal Australian in “Charlie’s Country” packs a punch.

Grade: A-

Mommy

25–year–old French Canadian director Xavier Dolan’s “Mommy,” about a single mother raising a violent, ADHD teenage son, won big at Cannes for good reason: it’s raunchy, disturbing and a total work of art (shot in an Instagramesque square!) with tour–de– force acting.

Grade: A

Clouds of Sils Maria

Juliette Binoche is a revelation as a fading actress (opposite the still–wooden Kristen Stewart as her assistant) in “Clouds of Sils Maria,” a visually stunning commentary on life–art parallels—though sometimes it tells rather than shows them.

Grade: B+ Opens in theaters in March of 2015.

Wild Canaries

Brooklyn hipsters try to solve their elderly neighbor’s murder in indie comedy “Wild Canaries,” a detective film spoof— light, witty and featuring Alia Shawkat, Maeby of “Arrested Development.”

Grade: A-

Winter Sleep

“Winter Sleep,” a 195–minute exploration of a Turkish innkeeper’s marriage—it’s an aesthetic masterpiece and watchable for its length, but not groundbreaking.

Grade: B

Xenia

Expect to be moved and entertained

by Greek coming–of–age film “Xenia,” the often hilarious tale of two teenage brothers (one straight and one gay) searching their country for their estranged father and bonding in the process.

Grade: A-

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FOOD & DRINK

FEAR NO YEAST

Yeast are friends…but also food.

What the hell does “poofy” yeast mean? Why does baking bread take so long? Why does this dough refuse to rise?

Yeast is essential to the dough used for everything from pizza crust to cinnamon rolls to challah bread.

Unfortunately, working with the little buggers can sometimes seem tricky and difficult.

Have no fear! These tips will make you a yeast pro in no time:

1.

Yeast is a living organism (a collection of single–celled eukaryotes, to be exact) and therefore requires specific requirements to make it bloom: Warm water + sugar = happy yeast. Just like you can’t take a bath in boiling water without serious consequences, neither can your yeast. It needs warm water and a warm environment to grow.

Yeast also needs to be fed, so adding a little sugar to the water mixture will help it bloom better (even if the recipe doesn’t call for it).

Add your yeast to warm water (warmer than lukewarm but cool enough to touch) and stir to combine.

Add sugar to the water and wait for the poofing to occur, which should take about 5-10 minutes. If this doesn’t happen, it means your yeast may be dead and you just need to start again.

Trick: if your house or apartment is freezing, turn the oven on the lowest setting and place the yeast mixture inside. It will allow for the yeast to activate faster.

2.

Explaining the “poof” Many recipes use terms for yeast activation such as “poofy” or “fluffy”, which unfortunately don’t tell you much… While the yeast mixture is setting, you want to look for the yeast to almost form a barrier on top of the bowl it’s sitting in. It should be slightly bubbly and look creamy and combined. And it should smell like the beginnings of bread.

3.

Waiting is hard to do, but oh so worth it After you combine your yeast mixture with the rest of your ingredients, you need to usually wait around 60–90 minutes for the yeast to activate and allow for the dough to double in size. Just be really patient and the yeast will work its magic. If you want to speed up the process a little, you can once again place it in a very low temperature oven.

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FOOD & DRINK

INTERVIEW WITH STEPHANIE REITANO Meet the Reitano family. They’re building an empire.

Don’t recognize the name? You might also know them as the founders and owners of Capogiro, Penn’s favorite gelato destination. The Italian dessert makers have recently expanded from award–winning frozen treats to artisanal pizza and more with the recently opened Capofitto. Located at 233 Chestnut St. in Old City, the Italian destination boasts Neapolitan–style pizzas, traditional starters, and of course, Capogiro gelato. We sat down with owner Stephanie Reitano to

learn more about her expanding business and its future.

Stephanie, who founded Capogiro with her husband John Reitano, did not initially intend on joining the food industry. She was law–school–bound and John attended medical school—he still sees patients every day before joining his wife at the restaurant. However, the couple came from backgrounds deeply rooted in food. So it was no surprise when Stephanie and John pursued their love of the culinary by opening Capogiro in 2002.

Capoffito takes the same

tactical approach that made Capogiro so wildly successful: relentless pursuit of perfection.

Says Reitano, “As far as food goes, John and I absolutely love the clinical study of our passion. We really love Italy, we really love Italian culture, and we really love Italian food.” To master the art of pizza making, the couple travelled to Italy to study under Ciro Salvo, a master pizzaiolo (that’s Italian for “fancy pizza chef”...roughly translated).

“We studied, studied, studied. I went into it clinically. I use a calculator, I weigh every-

thing. I would love to say it’s me being creative, but it’s really chemistry,” Reitano says. Reitano then expertly rattled off various temperatures, precise gram measurements and dough hydration levels. Bottom line?

Their pizza is thoroughly researched but highly traditional, and perfectly executed. While the menu is largely traditional, it also features novel creations, like an artichoke and pecorino medley and an eggplant stracciatella pie.

The décor is much like the food: simple, comforting, and thoroughly Italian. And at cen-

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The mall pretzel is truly one of a kind; slathered in butter and twisted to perfection, and surprisingly easy to replicate! The recipe calls for household staples—with the exception of the always–intimidating active dry yeast. But don’t get it twisted; the only stressful part of yeast is patience (Ed. Note: see above).

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Already love Capogiro? Find out why you'll love Capofitto even more. ter stage is the pizza station.

Open to the room and sensually lit with a deep orange glow, it does in fact look like a theater platform. On any given day you can find Reitano in front of the wood–fired oven, performing the dance of the pizzaiolo.

For Reitano, nothing could make her happier.

“I just want to feed people!” says Reitano. “I’m basically a future grandmother, not a chef. I want you to have delicious food and be happy and go home happy.”

ORLY GREENBERG

Now that you know how to work with yeast, try your hand at these pretzels.

Ingredients: Makes 12 2 cups milk 1 1/2 tablespoons (2 packets) active dry yeast 6 tablespoons brown sugar 4 tablespoons butter, melted 4 1/2 cups flour 2 teaspoons fine salt 1/3 cup baking soda 3 cups warm water Coarse salt 8 tablespoons butter, melted in a shallow dish Directions: Warm up the milk in the microwave or on the stove for two minutes, to about 110º F. If it’s too hot, it’ll kill the yeast. You should be able to comfortably keep your finger in it. Stir in the yeast and let sit for three minutes. Add the butter and sugar. Add the flour about one cup at a time and then add fine salt. Knead for about 10 minutes with a stand mixer, or by hand. Put it in a greased bowl and cover with greased cling wrap. Let rise for 1 hour in a moist, warm place until doubled in size. Preheat the oven to 450º. Punch down dough and divide into 12 lumps. Roll them all out as thin as you can. Combine the warm water and baking soda in a wide bowl. Form the dough into pretzel shapes, then dip in the baking soda water. Place on a greased baking sheet and sprinkle with coarse salt. Bake for seven to eleven minutes or until browned.

Dip each in the melted butter while hot.

ALI GREENSTEIN

ARTS

A REVIEW ON KAZUMI TANAKA’S NEW COLLECTION:

MOTHER AND CHILD REUNION On the coldest Saturday of the school year so far, I cabbed down to the Fabric Workshop, excited to check out Kazumi Tanaka’s collection at the Fabric Workshop and Museum. It’s a space dedicated to promoting contemporary art and mixed media, permitting audiences to go see the artists as they work from beginning to end on their exhibitions.

“Mother and Child Reunion” is a collection

by Kazumi Tanaka, the FWM’s most recent Artist–in–Residence. A Japanese–born artist who focuses on childhood memories and cultural contrasts, Tanaka uses mixed media to create extremely delicate masterpieces. She doesn’t fail to impress at the FWM, where she works with metal, hair, wood and Japanese fabrics.

The exhibition is intimate. Through her artwork, Tanaka reflects on her relationship with her mother, who she visited after her stroke last year (the original reason which she went to Japan, as she lives in the USA). The collection of Tansu, which are Japanese storage cabinets, is astounding. Though Tanaka initially intended to focus on the items contained within these cabinets, she opts to actually emphasize the structures. Making beautiful miniature versions

of them, she uses the boxes as vehicles to establish differences between the East and the West.

The collection was also inspired in part by the research she conducted in Japan when she returned in 2013. In the village of Miyam, she worked with Hiroyuki Shindo, a Japanese dye master. Shindo specializes in making dye with Sukumo, a traditional indigo dye from Japan.

She then went to the Henry Radford Hope School of Fine Arts at Indiana University and worked with Rowland Ricketts, an expert in traditional indigo farming. The series of fabrics she made during her time at the FWM also owe their creation to local fabric manipulation processes she picked up in Japan.

At the end of the exhibit, there is a film screening documenting Tanaka’s collaboration with the FWM. In the video, we gain insight into the personal experiences of the artist.

Tanaka talks about her influences: her village, her childhood, her culture.

It’s an exhibition that continuously surprises with items and elements exploring personal and cultural boundaries. Like mother and child, the objects displayed are distinct but share a resemblance.

SYRA ORTIZ-BLANES

The Village of Miyama, Kyoto Prefecture

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TAKING A STANCE ON THE EASTERN STATE PENITENTIARY’S ART COLLECTION Every October, the Eastern State Penitentiary dresses up for Halloween. The prison in North Philadelphia’s Fairmont neighborhood hosts “Terror Behind the Walls,” its annual benefit where the fortress–like building is renovated into a helluva haunted house. As someone who gets scared walking around my kitchen alone at night, to me “Terror Behind the Walls” seems like a great way to actually die. The reason why this haunted house is so terrifying—and so popular—is that it’s real.

ESP is an actual abandoned prison. It was the first to institute solitary confinement for all of its convicts in attempt to reform criminals: an unsuccessful original that’s inspired many, many replicas. “Terror Behind the Walls” reveals how well ESP lends itself to sensationalism—psychopaths! gore! zombie Al Capone!—and even in the daytime it can be hard to see beyond the chilling creepiness of the prison

ruins. It is hard to recognize that what is being sensationalized is individual human suffering. The prison housed notorious criminals like Al Capone, but the cells mainly contained people at the margins of society: poor, immigrant or unstable individuals confined in psychological isolation. It'd be easy to dismiss the experience of ESP as an adrenaline rush, but a powerful and unexpected connection exists between the individuals in the penitentiary’s past and present: the prison’s art collection.

Working with local and national artists, ESP is as much an art gallery as a creepy tourist trap. Karen Schmidt derived inspiration for her 2011 piece “Cozy"—a completely crocheted cell interior—from an inmate who escaped by scaling the prison walls with yarn. In turning a cell into a giant scarf, the artist raises questions of home in the deprivation of comfort. In Cindy Moore’s “Other Absences” (2014), 50 monochrome portraits of men and women killed by the Penitentiary’s inmates gaze at the visitors from another cellblock. Addressing ESP’s legacy as the first modern prison, William Cromar’s “GTMO” (2006) presents a holding cell from Guantanamo Bay recreated exactly within an ESP cell.

“Terror Behind the Walls” is a spectacle, but Eastern State Penitentiary is an exhibition. The number of artworks and their lengths of stay vary, but their vital collective role remains in creating a link between the prison’s present–day visitors and its past residents. These artworks tell the individual stories that make up the prison’s impersonal, impenetrable narrative. There is indeed terror behind Serving the walls.

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4 MORE ART GALLERIES IN DISGUISE 1. Bottle Bar East

The costume: The Mecca of beer in Fishtown, with 700 varieties of artisanal beer served in Philadelphia’s scruffily–trendy neighbourhood.

The art: The bar walls host rows of bottles as well as exhibitions of local art. Alongside murals and permanent pieces, Bottle Bar hosts month–long shows of Philly artists with openings every First Friday of the month.

2. Charles Addams Hall

The costume: Penn’s Fine Arts building, between Frontera and the Bookstore.

The art: The first floor of Addams is an exhibition space showing works of undergrads, MFA students and professional artists. Exhibitions are open to anyone with a Penn ID: we’re all in the Addams Family. “Pervasive Clay” is currently on show until October 28th.

3. 915 Spring Gardens

The costume: A former 75,000 square–foot railway station in the leafy Spring Gardens neighbourhood.

The art: The building’s five stories are resident to nearly 100 artist studios which open their doors to the public on special weekends in October, December and April.

The next Open Studio is December 4-5.

4. Philly streets

The costume: Sidewalks everywhere.

The art: Philly streets are a canvas—Mural Mile in Old City has the highest density of large–scale street art in the country, and our public sculptures range from the iconic “LOVE” statue to Rodin’s “Thinker.” But there’s weird and beautiful art to find closer to home, too. West Philly is full of some freaky home–grown public art projects, like this Jesus Christ made out of vacuum cleaner parts (pictured above), erected on 45th and Spruce Streets. Amen to that.

ARTS

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LOWBROW

Lowbrow doesn't support the gender binary

...so we made all this up

THE NEXT THING YOU SHOULD BE SELF CONCIOUS ABOUT

Does your relationship need a little TLC? Or, maybe, are you one of those desperate women searching every nook and cranny of OkCupid and Tinder for a man?

Well, we have the answer to all your relationship (or lack thereof ) woes!

Science has shown that evolutionarily, men find women with soft, supple palms to be the most fertile for mating, and thus, are disproportionately attracted to women who are blessed with naturally smooth palms.

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The serum has been thoroughly lab tested on howler monkeys, many of which instantly showed improved palm elasticity and a marked decrease in fine lines and the dreaded “palm cellulite” we’ve come to know and hate. And at only $15 a bottle, you can’t afford not to get it.

The best part is, now that your palms are going to be the necessary shape to impress your man (or attract a new one), you can give him a little extra hand–related action in bed, if you know what we mean*. *Hand jobs. We’re about hand jobs.

talking

.SYNC. UP. YOUR. .NEWS CYCLE. Current events can be hard to understand, so Lowbrow bring you just the news. Period.

ISIS is really scary. They're causing all kinds of trouble in the Middle East, and seem to have come out of nowhere. The details are, like, really hard to understand; sometimes they're called ISIS and sometimes ISIL...like, what? How could anyone keep that straight? In terms you can understand, ISIS is kind of like your period. You assume problems in the Middle East may arise, but you never really know when they're coming. They also tend to involve a lot of blood.

Another toughie: those mass protests in Hong Kong. There was some turmoil, but Hong Kong is really far away, so who knows. It's kind of like your period when you're on birth control. Like you know it’s happening, but there are almost no harmful side effects. No cramps!

Earlier this month, the Supreme Court made a landmark decision which will affect the legality of gay marriage in many states and will be a step forward towards marriage equality. It was kind of like spotting days. Your period isn’t quite over yet, kind of like how gay marriage isn’t legal yet, but it's almost there.

You probably only need a panty liner, especially if you aren’t wearing white.

Midterm elections are also like your period, because very young people don’t get them; also they are a total drag unless you can leave work early to deal with them.

Really the only thing left is Ebola...which is like the worst period, ever.

LOWBROW TRIED READING THE ACTUAL NEWS ONCE, BUT WE LEARNED TOO MUCH, SO WE FIGURED WE'D STOP. 1 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E O C T O B E R 2 3 , 2 01 4

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Between shopping and makeup and boyfriends, no one's got time for boring

34

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LOWBROW FILM

DO YOU PAY PER VIEW?

old history books. Here's what you really

Film polled you to find out how you are getting your Sunday afternoon need to know. movie fixes. Here’s what we learned. BY ANTHONY KHAYKIN

T

hough we all know the watch Hugo in theaters. And we you guess then that Penn stuInternet is for porn fit this mold of overworked Ivy dents would prefer to get their 30 BC 1431 1919 (thanks Avenue Q), the League students well, with only RomCom fix 2010 online with free 1602 1776 1864 bedroom is no longer the only about 17% of Penn undergrads streaming websites like SideReel area being ceded to digital terri- watching movies at the Rave ev- and Ch131 rather than pay for Cleopatra rocked some Joan of Arc wouldn’t Sadly, Queen Thegirl Founding After 150 years The Bic tory. For every with daddy’s erySouthern semester. services provided

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Whose recommendations do you take? the multifarious iTunes store. it worth the the Nile).

50 Things are no different here 1.5 salads at 47.7% Other at Penn, where the Rave gets Sweetgreen 40% 40 A Friend nearly half the traffic for the it would Cinema Studies midnight screenings of blockhave cost if 30 Major 26.2% 25% 25% buster hits like Twilight as Hulu I had seen it Professor or TA 20 does the day after the newest in theaters?

Street episode of 30 Rock airs. This Ramen noo10 *Students surveyed were allowed to choose more makes sense. We Penn students dles aren’t than one option.

0 are too busy procrastinating that bad, I Tired of having healthy sexual experiences based on on Penn InTouch and designguess. sexual positivism, respect, and conversation ? Want to ing funny lacrosse pinnies for entertainment accessible and The average Penn student worry way too much about what HE wants rather than the clubs we’re involved in to inexpensive to anyone with an (who is anything but average, if having the dialogues that you really should be having? leave the comfort of our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watch-

6 SEX TIPS THAT AFFIRM THE PATRIARCHY We have more tips than Cosmo.

Want to get kinky? Try being submissive; as a woman you are probably told to be it in every other facet of your life anyways.

Blindfold him. Sensory deprivation is not only a way to interact with the other senses, but it also prevents him from seeing you if you haven’t shaved this week. As a woman, you should be shaving regularly. OR ELSE.

34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

1 2 3 4 5 6

Try using food in the bedroom, but probably just salad, because the media dictates what you should be eating.

You're still trying to lose that weight so you'll fit in with mainstream beauty standards, right? Whipped cream is not THAT delicious, right?

Do not try “butt stuff,” because men have internalized their homophobia. Any act perceived as a reversal of standard gender divides will make him uncomfortable.

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Try a sexy costume: a nurse, a maid, a school teacher or any other traditionally female job. Have him be the boss and make you work for your 73 cents on the dollar.

Remember that these tips have all been formulated for cisgendered straight couples. Because, like, what else would they be?

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