September 26, 2013

September 26, 2013 34st.com

in

absentia stories of mental illness and leaving penn

+ edibles taste test, fall fashions, & ocr "news"

september 26 LOL

3 highbrow

2013

the round–up, word on the street, overheards, in my defense

4 EGO

ego of the week, fall fashion paper dolls

LOL

LOL

LOL

6 MUSIC

meet the penn musician, best old jams, drake, chvrches, kings of leon

8 film & TV

b-roll, netflix pick of the week, don jon

10 feature

mental health and leaves of absence

12 FOOD & dRINK

edibles taste test, drunk/high/sober penne, ashton's cigar bar

LOL

LOL

15 arts

DIY bulletin board, famous artists' Philly homes

10

FROMtheEDITOR

reflection There are easily a thousand books in my living room. "Welcome to My Country," the memoir my aunt Lauren wrote detailing her near–lethal encounter with mental disorder, is not one of them.

When Lauren published the book in 1997, my mom kept me from reading it. I was six. Likely, her reasons were manifold. But there is one I am certain predominated: I was not supposed to know that under my blonde curls and barrettes, the ingredients for emotional illness lay dormant.

Somehow, sophomore year, they were catalyzed. In less than six months, anxiety took the pieces of the brain I’d been growing for twenty years and rearranged them into an organ I no longer recognized. I wanted to go home every night, but my obsession with perseverence kept me here, smiling and clamoring for air.

I was incredibly hesitant to run this feature. I love being Editor–in– Chief of this magazine; the Round

Up’s (pg. 3) taught me how to box with boys (and how to nurse my bruises when they win), I get to fuck with red velvet cupcakes (pg.

12) and give the OK on pointed critiques of contemporary art exposes that string the word “cunt” from ceilings (pg. 15). I’m not accustomed to printing the explication of my nightmares come true.

I’m humbled by the stories outlined in “In Absentia” (pg. 10) and proud to go to school with the students who’ve told them.

Calling mercy to the world is a terrifying and usually humiliating concession. I learned too late that it is also one of the bravest.

We are living the most badass phase of our lives.

As a playmate, college is awesome. As a wrestling partner, it kind of sucks.

Wanna see your name at the bottom of this page?

18 lowbrow

the latest from OCR

20 backpage

university pinball: a photo essay

Writers' Meeting. Tonight @ 6:30 4015 Walnut, Second Floor

34th Street Magazine Nina Wolpow, Editor–in–Chief Sam Brodey, Managing Editor Alex Hosenball, Online Managing Editor Chloe Bower, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor

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Olivia Fingerhood, Assistant Design Margot Halpern, Assistant Design Zacchiaus McKee, Highbrow Alex Sternlicht, Highbrow Faryn Pearl, Ego Mariam Mahbob, Ego Marley Coyne, Food and Drink

Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink Michelle Ma, Film and TV Michael Shostek, Film and TV Isabel Oliveres, Features Patrick Ford-Matz, Features Ariela Osuna, Music Cassandra Kyriazis, Music Gina DeCagna, Arts Madeleine Wattenbarger, Arts Zach Tomasavic, Lowbrow Michael Kandel, Lowbrow Gabe Morales, Print Copy Randi Kramer, Print Copy

Emma Soren, Online Copy Emily Marcus, Online Copy Patrick Del Valle, Social Media Cover design: Chloe bower COVER and feature PHotos: sarah tse No middle school boys were harmed in the making of this feature.

Contributors: Rosa Escandon, Kimberly Lu, Travis Mager, Anna Rosenfeld, Clare Lombardo, Johnathan Wilson, Emily Grablutz, Abby Graham, Justin Sheen, Andrew Scibelli, Solomon Bass, Morgan Pearlman, Elizabeth Weingold, David Ney, Rachel Zurier, Conor Cook, Elie Sokoloff, Jack Savvy, Jill Berke

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Nina Wolpow, Editor-–in–Chief, at wolpow@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

Visit our web site: www.34st.com "Guys, I'm definitely out of my body right now." ©2013 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

IN MY

Last week Highbrow brought you the story of one generous Penngineer’s attempt to Venmo a homeless woman her child support payment. We tracked her down—this is her side of the story: Ok, so she’s not just a homeless woman, she’s my homeless woman, Tanya. My relationship with Tanya goes way back. Last year I bought her a phone card, and we’ve been in love ever since.

After my loyal friends went downtown without me, I meandered down Locust, drunk and wearing men’s shoes.

I thought the only way to salvage the night would be abducting a stray cat and teaching it to love me. Then, I spotted Tanya’s familiar countenance begging on Locust.

Inebriated and wearing shoes much too big for me, I was comforted by Tanya’s presence. Tanya and I popped a squat on Locust and had a heart– to–heart. I explained to her that I was ready to pull an Emily Dickinson and

settle for a life writing poetry alone in my attic. And she explained to me that she has a kid she cannot support financially. Naturally, like any generous Penn betch, I wanted to Venmo her just like I Venmo my drug dealer. Unfortunately, Tanya does not have an iPhone and doesn’t know what Venmo is, so instead I gave her $40 in cash. I know it sounds crazy to try and Venmo a homeless lady… but in my defense, Venmo is the easiest way to pay your friends and it just so happens that my friend is homeless. Sorry I’m not sorry. And what else was I going to do with the money?

Adopt an orphan in Cambodia? No. I would’ve used it to buy two long islands at Whisper, Rumor, Azure or one of the other downtown wastelands.

Also, Tanya calls me every weekend

to see how I’m doing and to ask if I’ve found shoes. This weekend she called to inform me that if I ever need a bodyguard, she’s got my back. So, creepy boys trying to grind u p on me at the frats— watch out for my homeless bodyguard.

Ta n y a knows where you live.

IlLLUSTRATION BY: RACHEL ZURIER

THEROUNDUP It’s officially fall and you know what that means: it’s time for Amy Gutmann to start walking around campus in her peacoat, looking like a majestic Mary Poppins.

But that’s not all we have to look forward to: Highbrow also scrounged up some gossip for you, ducklings.

Highbrow hears the leaves weren’t the only things falling this weekend. One freshman took trailer–park–chic to a whole new level at the annual THEOS white trash extravaganza. This redneck wannabe made a grand exit from the party, as she was carried out by a noble bro, panties at her ankles, tampon blowing in the breeze.

Onlookers remarked about how well her vaginal accessory completed her costume.

Maybe next time THEOS should throw a red trash party…

Speaking of blood, sources say TEP had quite the eventful pregame with Chi O before their foam party. It’s a classic story: Boy meets girl, boy and girl hit it off, boy and girl DFMO, boy and girl make love for the first time, boy returns to party covered in blood sporting a bloody condom on his shoulder. Ah, yes, true romance.

Don’t worry girl, we’ve all been there. Losing things in the foam is just a rite of passage.

The typical Beta sausagefest got a little more meaty this weekend as campus was flooded with an onslought of Beta dads. We hear some of the dads got a little handsy as they got a feel for college life… and by college life, we mean college girls. At a MGMT 100 BYO, one of the dads apparently grabbed a Wharton sophomore’s booty over a carne asada platter. Can you say hornitos? But that’s not all. In order to really get a feel for the Penn life, the dads also hit up campus hot spot Smokey Joe’s. One father purchased a beverage for a young co–ed. She thanked him for his generosity by asking him, “Can I call you daddy?” To which he promptly responded, “No.” “All eyes on me in the center of the ring, just like a circus,” must have been the thought on one girl’s mind at one Elmo senior’s circus–themed birthday party this past weekend. The girl was spotted covered in body paint, completely naked, with hearts painted onto her nipples. Talk about going all out for a theme. She picked the right venue though; we doubt anywhere but Elmo would be so accepting of female nudity and body paint.

over heard PENN at

Betch 1: These are my “I don’t give a shit” pants.

Betch 2: Yeah, I can tell.

Girl in denim jacket: Guys, I went to Pilam, and I felt so cool ’cause I was wearing denim, and it wasn’t even on my legs.

Sorority girl: I’m sorry, I know we’re, like, all supportive of each other… but, like, why?

Guy in ethics class: Yeah, I actually shoplifted the textbook.

Engineer: “Breaking Bad” is definitely better than sex.

wordonthestreet BLAME IT ON THE ADDERALL

BY JACK SAVVY AND JILL BERKE

Coming to Penn, we were curious about three things: Sex, alcohol and drugs—mainly, Adderall. The sex part was obvious. You’re having it or your not. You don’t want to be that NSwhOre but you’re still down for a good time. Alcohol was also a given. Maybe you can’t tell that from the Class of 2017's MERT statistics, but when you’re pregaming the Book of Rhymes lecture, you know it’s a non–issue (sorry Adam Bradley). When it came to drugs, we were unsure. Coming from big cities, we imagined that the Penn Adderall scene would be just as easy to navigate as what we had been accustomed to. We believed that Adderall would be free flowing. After all, how do those Theta betches stay so skinny? Adderall has many draws to it: whether you’re trying to make it through a writing seminar outline, your first THEOS downtown, or trying keep off the dreaded Freshman 15, the wonder drug hooks you up. However, our search for this wonder pill did not go as planned. We were half–expecting our roommates from Jericho to slip it under our pillows like the Tooth Fairy, but this was just not the case. Instead, we were forced to forage ourselves.

We present our (attempted) steps to finding Adderall: 1. Find out who has it.

2. Casually bring up your imminent need for a “study aid”. (ex. “Ugh, I have a huge paper due tomorrow! I don’t think I can stay up all night without some good ‘ol amphetamines.” Something super subtle.)

3. If that doesn’t work, mention that you are fairly certain they are prescribed.

4. Beg. When the original plan failed, we took to the streets.

However, we found that drug dealers didn’t provide much help either. In fact, one dealer warned us to “not get hooked on that shit” as he proceeded to offer us coke.

No thanks, I actually value my life. I want an A on my paper, not a St. A’s bid.

After a couple of failed attempts, we retreated to Manhattan during the high holy days. Without any Adderall to curb our appetites, our stomachs grumbled throughout services. In a final act of desperation, we turned to our contacts in the city, namely, high schoolers. My, how far we had fallen—maybe not the best way to bring in the new year after repenting for our sins. Coincidentally, our NYC contacts pointed us right back to Penn—to someone we knew! That grotsky little biotch had been hoarding her supply the whole time.

What we took away from our pharmaceutical pursuit is that, at Penn, the only thing people are more selfish about than their study guides are their study drugs. For those of you who are still searching out there, we have one piece of advice: keep your friends close, and your suppliers closer.

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EGO

egoof the weeK:AlYSSA BARON

Women’s basketball captain Alyssa Baron has recieved more honors than we could possibly name. OK, we’ll name a few: she was a unanimous first team all–Ivy member, an Ivy League and Big 5 rookie of the year and the top–scoring Ivy League woman of all time. But we’re more impressed by her panda facts.

Street: Alright, so how tall are you?

Alyssa Baron: 5’10”, though compared to the rest of the girls, that’s not even that tall… I’m actually in the bottom half, I’d say. When we run out for games, we run in height order, and I’m always in the front… so it’s kind of weird.

Street: What’s your favorite basketball movie?

AB: “Love and Basketball.” It’s a classic.

Street: What is your greatest basketball memory?

AB: Last year we had our first postseason victory in Penn history. And in the quarterfinals of the Women’s Basketball Invitational, I made a three–pointer at the buzzer to win.

That was a big moment. It ended up making SportsCenter Top 10, so I got to watch myself on TV.

Street: What would your spirit animal be?

AB: A panda. Pandas are real cuddly and stuff, but then when they get angry they ‘bleat.’ They make this noise when they get angry—it sounds like a mix between a seal noise and a tiger growl. I have, like, a lot of panda stuffed animals. I have a panda watch. A panda pillow pet, which was passed down to me. A panda calendar. Yeah, I really like pandas.

Street: What’s the best panda fact you know?

AB: A panda's tooth is four times the size of a human tooth.

Tour, because when we go on tours I go up on the microphone and I give a tour of where we are.

It started sophomore year at Notre Dame—and, by the way, I know nothing about Indiana. I don’t think I even named the right city.

Now they make me go up at every school we’re at and give a tour.

Street: There are two kinds of people at Penn…

AB: Athletes and NARPs: Non– Athletic Regular Persons.

Street: That’s terrifying.

AB: It’s a big tooth.

Street: My Penn Card looks like…

AB: Oh my God, I look like a baby.

I’m pretty sure it’s a homecoming picture from my senior year, but I literally look like I'm twelve.

Street: What’s your secret talent?

AB: I’m really good at giving tours.

My team calls me Anonymous

Street: If you are what you eat, what would you be?

AB: Oh, man… I eat so much.

& Every topping you could imagine.

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blended with maple syrup & bacon bits, topped with Golden Grahams

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cookie dough, Cap’n Crunch, strawberries, & peanut butter

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Hmm… probably a banana.

Street: If you could meet anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would it be?

AB: This is going to be really random, but Harry S. Truman.

He’s just my favorite president, so I would tell him he’s my favorite president. His middle name is “S” and it doesn’t stand for anything. It’s just “S.” I think that’s the main reason I like him so much.

Street: What’s your basketball show–off move?

AB: I guess it would be the in–and–out, between the legs, step back three. I mean, that’s not very showoff. It sounds crazy, but it’s just two moves.

Street: Do you have any pre– or post– game superstitions?

AB: Sour skittles before every game.

But they’re unhealthy, so now I only have the mini–pack.

Street: Where do you see yourself in five years?

AB: Hopefully playing basketball in another country, like Spain or France.

As long as my body holds up! But five years is a long time for my body. We'll see.

Street: Why should people watch women’s basketball?

AB: We’re better than the men!

Spartan Race Stadium Series Heads to Citzens Bank Park SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

Spartan Race Inc., the world’s leading obstacle race series, is coming to Citizens Bank Park on Saturday, September 28 as part of the Spartan Race Stadium Series. Heats will start at 8 am and will be running all day.

Spartan Race is a series of obstacle races that involve all sorts of obstacles from barbwire crawls to fire jumping. The Spartan Race is known all over the world, and more than 10,000 racers are expected to participate in Saturday’s event at Citizens Bank Park. University of Pennsylvania students are encouraged to join the Spartan Race in September. Penn students will be able to register for only $65 ($60 value) by entering the code UPENN on the resgistration page on the website.

Go to spartanrace.com to register and to get more details.

EGO

FALL FASHION PAPER DOLLS

You don’t need get paid like Amy Gutmann to sport some of the season’s biggest trends. Swap the runway for Locust and try out a few of these looks.

Knit beanies­:

Houndstooth:

Leather:

Oversized Sweaters:

The weather’s still warm, but a knitted beanie could be the cherry on the top of your fashion cake. Pair a casual one with an A–line coat to soften its edge, or just put it on to cover a wet head.

Serve up some Sherlock Holmes realness with a houndstooth jacket or pant. Pair it with a rich–colored solid to avoid looking like an illusion out of your Psych 001 textbook.

Not quite PETA–friendly, but a great way to suit up for the cold. Boots are an obvious choice always, but leather patches on pants, jackets and even shirts will give you that hip London look without looking like a biker chick.

Leave the cats and Cosby prints at home and pick one tone sweaters or thick knits instead. Add a skirt, tights or skinny jeans and, uh, insert another Cosby Show reference here.

Print pants:

Oxford shoes:

Grunge:

Even though your mom insists that “prints belong on top” (shut up, mom!), pants with everything from bold geometric shapes to animal patterns offer an exciting alternative to jeans.

Oxfords add a classy British touch to any outfit. They’re warm and easy to walk in, making them the perfect thing to wear to tea.

There’s no doubt that ’90s fashion is making a comeback, and this fall, nothing is hotter than grunge–inspired looks. Channel your inner Nirvana, dud(ette)s.

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MUSIC

BEST PARTY JAMS YOU PROBALY FORGOT ABOUT

They may not be in heavy rotation anymore, but when you hear them, drop your jungle juice and haul ass to the dance floor.

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"This Is How We Do It" —Montell Jordan It’s Friday night, there’s a party on the west side AND there’s a designated driver. This is responsible Penn partying at its finest.

"No Diggity" —Blackstreet It's never a bad time to get down—good Lord—during a night out. Hopefully you'll be lucky enough to be in a place that plays it.

"Rock Your Body" —Justin Timberlake This forgotten party jam should be the anthem to SWUGs everywhere. Don’t be so quick to walk away (from this lame night at Blarn’s), guuurl.

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"Good Times" —Chic Throwback, like way way back. Perfect for those weird registered parties where a live band is playing songs solely from the ‘70s and ’80s.

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"Jerk it Out" —The Caesars The Caesars were jerking it out in 2003 way before Miley was twerking it out. Those were simpler (better?) times.

"Party Up (Up In Here)"—DMX

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Forget party jamz—this is one of the best songs of all time. If you've forgotten about this you should be ashamed. MERTed-in– the–first-hour–of–NSO ashamed.

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Authentic Italian Cuisine at Reasonable Prices

15% off with Fixed Price Sunday-Thursday

Nothing screams “room full of drunk prep school kids” like a Penn frat party... or a room full of those kids screaming “bah-bah-BAHHHH.”

"Baby Got Back" —Sir Mix–a–Lot JK, nobody forgot about this. But to the TEP DJ who layered “Levels” over “Don’t Stop Believin:'" if you’re going for nostalgia, maybe play this instead of that monstrosity?

"Work It" —Missy Elliott

I think we all pretty much went through most of the 2000s convinced she was saying “Is your fermenippus wenyed.” Nope, but that’s still what I’m gonna sing when I dance it out to this jam at crammed highrise pregames.

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"Sweet Caroline" —Neil Diamond

Come unplug and reboot with us!

"Yeah" —Usher featuring Lil’ Jon and Ludacris We can all thank this song for every self–respecting girl’s personal motto: being a lady in the streetz but a freak in da bed.

Also who knew Lil’ Jon even existed before he was yelling about SHAHTZZZ? BETHANY CHRISTY

MUSIC

ALBUM REVIEWS

"NOTHING WAS THE SAME" – DRAKE Drake’s newest album, “Nothing Was the Same,” does not have a misleading title.

On tracks like “Connect” and “Hold On, We’re Going Home,” he shows off a newfound vocal confidence that sounds mature and in control. This voice translates well to his rapping, too, as he goes line–for–line with Jay–Z on “Pound Cake” and

spits vicious rhymes for six minutes on intro song “Tuscan Leather.” There are some missteps on the more shallow rap songs, like “305 To My City” and “Worst Behavior,” but overall the album delivers. As he declares on the DJ Khaled–featured track “No New Friends,” Drake really is “the leader of the new school.”

MARK PARASKEVAS Grade: A– Download: “Furthest Thing” Sounds best when: You need a quick confidence boost before going out Saturday night

"MECHANICAL BULL" – KINGS OF LEON After three years without new music, Tennessee–based rockers Kings of Leon have returned to the spotlight with their latest album, “Mechanical Bull.” Overall, the album disappoints more than it excites.

The band has not experienced much growth on this album; their formula has remained too much the same to make for engaging listening. Despite this, there are some highlights, including the groove–laden opening track “Super Soaker,” the more atmospheric “Wait for Me” and the U2–esque “Coming Back Again.” Although it doesn’t break much ground, Kings of Leon’s south-

ern–tinged rock and roll is never an unpleasant listen. It just never becomes memorable.

PAUL DINAPOLI

Grade: C+ Download: “Coming Back Again” Sounds best when: Chillin’ in the grass on a warm, fall day

MEET THE PENN MUSICIAN: DANIELLE HARRIS

Senior Danielle Harris was hard to track down last year because she spent most of it working to pay off voice lessons in New York with celebrity–acclaimed vocal coach Don Lawrence, who has worked with legends like Bon Jovi and Whitney Houston. This year, to get back into the Penn music scene, Danielle joined Penn’s Music 10 program, a credit–redeemable program for music majors and minors. The auditioning and application process grants Danielle ten vocal lessons throughout the semester. She will be working with Philly jazz vocalist Joanna Pascale, who performs at the Loews Hotel three times a week. Danielle has looked up to her since her freshman year and says, “[Joanna] has this rare capacity as a jazz singer to really command her band. She knows how to direct people.”

Danielle has some of her own experience with bands, though. Not only is she a classically trained

Last year, she interned at Sotheby’s. This year, she’s singing with the Jazz Ensembles.

Next year, she’s breaking into the music industry.

vocalist with experience that ranges from opera to motown, but she also headed up a punk rock band called The Plaine Truth while touring the Tri–State area for two years. Remembering her first show, she laughs, “the shit I wore at that gig—I almost got arrested.”

Her one true love, though, is the blues. “The blues is so transitional—in one song, it sounds like jazz, and in another, it sounds like rock” Danielle says. Her favorite artists range from Janis Joplin to Led Zeppelin.

As a jazz music minor, Danielle laughs, “It’s so funny having somewhat of a formal jazz education, learning on paper what jazz is ten years after listening to Led Zeppelin... a lot of the blues that underline so much of jazz is straight up what Led Zeppelin does.”

Danielle counts on graduating with that jazz music minor and an art history major come May. Her parents sat her down when her music dreams started becoming a reality and said, “Listen, just graduate from college and we’ll put up with you for a few years if you want to take a shot.” After graduating, Danielle plans to undertake a part–time job in order to fully pursue her music career. Watching her peers go through OCR, Danielle says, “it’s hard knowing there are more stable ways to live my life.” Nonetheless, she claims, “I feel like if I don’t do it now, I’m never going to do it—and that’s not to say that I don’t see myself going to law school in a few years or maybe going back into the art world.”

ARIELA OSUNA

"THE BONES OF WHAT YOU BELIEVE"– CHVURCHES

Glaswegian synth pop trio Chvrches opens its debut album with “The Mother We Share,” a song that was released as a single over a year ago. The band built upon its hype by releasing more perfectly executed songs that harnessed the confidence of Lauren Mayberry’s vocals, but never sacrificed impeccable synth lines and danceable beats. Many of these songs are present on “The Bones of What You Believe,” but the non–singles are incredible as well. On songs like “Night Sky” and “Lungs,” lyrics about the bitter after–effects of

heartbreak are just as potent as they were on singles like “Recover” and “Gun.” When male band member Martin Doherty takes vocal duties for “Under the Tide,” it allows the album breathing room, and his contemplative turn on album closer “You Caught the Light” is a fitting comedown, giving the album just enough variety but offering the same consistency. Chvrches are certainly not the only synth pop band with an ear for perfect pop melodies, but they are enviable masters of their craft.

YUQI ZHU

Grade: A Download: “Lungs” Sounds best when: You’re a freshman who’s ending a long distance relationship (“Tether” was basically made for you)

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FILM & TV

B ROLL: As Seen on TV, OR Why Infomercials Complete My Life L

et me answer the first question on your mind: “Do infomercials ever count as television?” To that I counter, “Yes, they do.” After all, they are exclusively available for viewing on television sets, which is more than can be said for many of the moving pictures we beam our laser eyes at in this day and age. (I’m looking at you, Netflix.)

“Hold on a sec,” the astute critic might respond, “what about these shameless examples of the darkness of capitalism warrants serious commentary? Do you really think the same column space that heralds Bryan Cranston and discusses other such global concerns should be tainted with praise for the bottom– feeders of cable TV?” I, again, say yes. For one, the infomercial, like all television genres, has a definite and time–honored structure.

It soothes the weary with its predictable mise–en–scene like a cherished sitcom.

It feeds your guiltiest of guilty pleasures, akin to the infamous daytime soap. It even oftentimes features celebrity guests, like select episodes of “Glee” or that one time Oprah was on “30 Rock.” And I dare someone to argue against the fact that it seamlessly incorporates a level of audience participation that “American Idol” will never reach (no matter how many times someone says, “America, it’s now up to you to decide”). Let’s be real, no one’s voted for anyone on that show since LaToya.

I still hold, however, that taste curators underestimate the artistic merits of the infomercial. The acting, for one, is seriously entertaining. (Just check out that one collection of GIFs of really ridiculously clumsy infomercial people attempting to do normal human tasks.) Unlike normal humans, however, infomercial actors drop lukewarm plates, slip on dry floors and break things with

their ogre hands. They’re hilariously bipolar. Like Dorothy pre–Oz, their worlds are in black and white one minute and in the next, with a simple transitional scene wipe, technicolor. It’s exposition, climax and denouement in ten minutes. That guy Shakespeare takes two hours.

Perhaps I should come to terms with the real reason for my desperate attempts to legitimize this corny form of entertainment. Confession: an alternate title for this piece was “True Life: I’m Addicted to Infomercials,” which is possibly more embarrassing than “True Life: I’m Addicted to Reality TV.” Yes, people who watch reality television include pot–smoking teenagers, air– headed sorority girls and ironic hipsters, none of whom constitutes a class I aspire to join. But the only people who watch infomercials are old people. I’ll leave it to you to decide which is more depressing.

instant watch of the week "BLUE VALENTINE" “Blue Valentine” considers love, but it doesn’t consider any of the normal tropes that are associated with the genre.

Instead, it focuses on the relationship of Dean (Ryan Gosling) and Cindy (Michelle Williams) by threading together their detailed memories. There is the scene when they dream together; another where he plays a ukulele, and she dances. They kiss, they hold hands, they mindlessly run and flirt through the night. But instead of showing these segments chronologically, director Derek Cianfrance staggers their dream– like episodes with incidents a few years down the road. Suddenly, they are 8

attempting to salvage their marriage in a run–down love hotel. They have fallen back down to Earth, and, among the grit of reality, they have slowly crumbled into two individuals—no longer riding the same high.

Watching “Blue Valentine” is equivalent to sorting through the moments of a couple’s completed relationship. The couple’s affection appears in short bursts. First as a dream, then as a trap, next as a flashback to love as a necessity and flip-forward to it as an emotionally–exhausting barrier. Viewers lose themselves in the mesmerizing kaleidoscope of memories that Dean

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and Cindy sort through as their marriage dissolves. They are on this road together, but they have lost who they were in the process.

Good for: 8 p.m.

Bad for: 2 a.m.

Emotionally demanding and slightly masochistic at: 4 a.m.

Justin Sheen

The truth is, though, I don’t just enjoy infomercials ironically. I watch them for comfort. For the assurance that somewhere, in the alternate universe inside my TV, there exists a world where life–debilitating problems can be solved with a “thing.” And all you have to do is buy that thing with three to five small payments and wait for it to show up on your doorstep. Second confession: I’ve never actually dialed the number on the screen. But I’m also that wimp who’d choose the blue pill, so go figure.

Michelle Ma

FILM & TV

Review: “Don Jon” J

oseph Gordon–Levitt’s first (and, hopefully, not last) time writing, directing and starring in a feature is the story of Jon Martello (Gordon–Levitt), a materialistic partier whose obsession with internet porn has taken a toll on his sex life.

Gordon–Levitt, whose story is a loose adapation of Don Juan, is an accomplished actor with a wide emotional range, and he uses his experience in both drama and comedy to examine the elements of mature attitudes towards balanced and unbalanced relationships.

Jon starts off as a caricature, a typical jerk objectifying women, but gradually develops realistic expectations. The other characters, like Scarlett Johansson’s romcom–obsessed manipulator and Jon’s stereotypical bickering parents (Tony Danza and Glenne Headly), are interesting and often funny—but remain entirely static. They function as yardsticks by which to measure Jon’s changes. Characters like Julianne Moore’s Esther still would have benefited from a bit more fleshing out.

Gordon–Levitt’s writing fluctuates from spot–on satirical (epitomized by a hilarious discussion about Swiffer pads) to corny, but it never inappropriately wanders into cliche.

The film’s real strength comes from a combination of Lauren Zuckerman’s fantastic editing and Nathan Johnson’s original music, which brings out both humor and meaning in even the most inconsequential moments.

With the help of a talented cast and crew, Gordon–Levitt has crafted a cohesive, enjoyable piece that finds joy and absurdity in an otherwise serious examination of sex, love and relationships. This is not a typical romantic comedy, and its frequent flashes of pornographic images and initially sexist characters may turn off anyone expecting another “(500) Days of Summer.” Although this implies the film requires a certain level of maturity, it’s still a lot of fun for anyone who can get past Jon’s heavy New Jersey accent.

Andrew Scibelli

Grade: B+ Rating & Runtime: R, 90 min.

See if you liked: “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”

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9

F E AT U R E

checking in

/

F E AT U R E

checking out

Stress affects everybody at Penn, but we’re told to grin and bear it. Mental illness, however, forces some to take a leave of absence. These students aren’t running away, they’re fighting their ways back. By Madeleine Wattenbarger | Photos by Sarah Sometimes, sleep is the first symptom.

While your classmates run on four hours a night, you find yourself in bed for twelve.

It’s not a hangover. You’re not bored with classes. You just can’t get up.

Other times, it’s the lack of sleep. You spend days in a row awake. You can’t sleep, until you can, and then you can’t not.

Mental illness is capricious. It involves dozens of inscrutable factors. It looks different for every person, and it can force life to a halt. For students in the throes of a mood disorder at a school where halting is taboo, nothing seems worse than leaving Penn—except staying.

When Kate*, a sophomore, first came to Penn in the fall of 2012, she’d experienced depression before. During high school, “it was manageable. Very manageable.” Here, a combination of stressors triggered her depression, and by winter break, she found herself in a downward spiral.

“My parents saw I wasn’t doing well and was sleeping all day. They were like, ‘you can’t go back like that,’” Kate says. “But I didn’t believe them. I thought I could start over in a new semester. I came back intending on staying.”

Soon after second semester began, Kate went through a breakup and stopped going to class. Drop period hadn’t ended yet, so she told herself she still had time to catch up. She didn’t want to admit that anything was wrong. “I felt like a failure if I went home,” Kate says. “I didn’t want people to think I was weak.”

The choice didn’t come easily. “I felt like

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I’d be messing up my college career, like it was too out of the norm for me to make that choice comfortably.”

After three weeks of missed classes, Kate decided to leave. “I remember standing on the steps of College Hall after I signed the form, and it was snowy, and I was just like, ‘What am I doing? Where am I going? I don’t know if I’m ever coming back here.

Maybe I’ll just never finish college.’”

Dr. Bill Alexander, Director of CAPS, finds that Penn students often fight the need to take time off. “A lot of students try and guts it out and get through [depression],” he says.

As with a physical illness, a student with mono might be able to drag himself to class for a while, but eventually his condition would catch up. Students are inclined, at least initially, to push through.

Clinical depression, however, impedes that drive to keep going. The diagnostic criteria for a major depressive disorder involve at least five of eight depressive symptoms, which, combined, cause “clinically significant impairment in important areas of functioning.”

Sam*, a junior, began struggling with depression in January of 2013. “I came back to school and couldn’t get into a rhythm,” he says. “That was the first way I could explain what was going on. I felt strange. I called my parents a few times and said, ‘I don’t feel like myself.’ I didn’t know how to explain it.”

Sam did what many Penn students are

inclined to do: he attributed his feelings to overcommittment. He left several extracurriculars. He dropped some classes. He didn’t feel any better. “It wasn’t that I was stressed about school,” he says. “I was just stressed about myself.”

Eventually, a therapist diagnosed him as clinically depressed. “I wasn’t convinced, because the connotations attached to depression are so vague,” Sam says. “People say, ‘that was such a depressing movie,’ but it’s more like you see that there’s no point in existing.”

Still, Sam resisted the idea of leaving. “I told myself that I’d be okay if I made it to spring break,” he says. By then, though, he’d lost all motivation. He decided to go home.

In extreme cases, students don´t get to choose to leave. “The decision will be made for them,” Dr. Alexander says, “because they’re going to flunk out.” The University intervenes when students have two or more incomplete grades; often, academic issues coincide with health issues.

Alex, a student currently on on his second leave of absence, went on a mandatory leave after freshman year. He had experienced depression in the past but hadn’t treated it. “Coming to college, and Penn specifically, led to some new problems I wasn’t really sure how to deal with,” he says. His grades plummeted, and the College told him that he had to take time off.

Unlike the majority of students on leave, Alex didn’t go home. His parents lived in Italy at the time; he figured he wouldn’t find much to do there, so he spent his year off living by campus, trying to find various jobs around Philly. For a while, he went to talk therapy once a week, but he didn’t seek extensive treatment.

Alex re–enrolled in the fall of 2012. By spring, he again found himself incapacitat-

Tse

ed by depression. He’d begun a medication regimen with detrimental side effects: one drug caused allergic reactions, another left him unable to read. During finals week, he checked himself into an inpatient psychiatry program—“basically to stop me from doing anything to myself.” When he got back to campus, he applied for a voluntary leave.

Despite the severity of mental illness, its stigma persists: that students leave because they can’t handle Penn; that the environment caused them to crack; that they´re escaping the source of their problems.

Sindhu, a senior who took last year off to deal with depression, faced those assumptions when she decided to leave. “I had a lot of people tell me I was running away,” she says. “But I knew whatever I was running away from was inside of me. I had to go to a quieter place to deal with it.”

Anna, a 2013 graduate who took the 2011—2012 school year off, found that her peers often didn’t understand why she went home. “If you tell Penn students you took time off, they think you were doing an internship,” she says. “I needed time off, so I went home and hung out. If people judge me for being unproductive, that’s fine.”

Many misconceptions around mental illness stem from the idea that all Penn students are, to an extent, unhappy. But to label depression as yet another side effect of Penn culture is to overlook the disorder’s actual gravity. While mental illness can be triggered or compounded by a high–stress environment, it’s rarely the only factor.

“We’ve kind of normalized this act of whining,” Sindhu says. “With depression, getting out of bed becomes a hugely im-

possible task. That’s much different from this Penn mainstream mentality of always complaining about what’s wrong with our lives.”

Amanda*, a student currently on her second leave of absence, became aware of the symptoms of bipolar disorder in 2010 during her first semester of freshman year.

At the same time, her body shut down. She spent a week in her room, unable to leave, until her house dean took her to the hospital.

After sitting in the emergency room for eight hours, the doctors told Amanda she was fine. Her dean then took her to the psychiatric ward.

“I walked through these doors and they told me, ‘you’re now a ward of the state, you’re not allowed to leave,’” Amanda says.

“You look around and it’s all gray. The walls are all padded. There’s this guy who’s been sitting in the emergency room, he’s drooling all over the place, he obviously has issues, and I’m like, ‘really, we’re in the same place?’”

Amanda stayed at the mental hospital for ten days before returning home. She spent a year undergoing various treatments and re–enrolled for the spring of 2012.

Her routine changed drastically from before: she had to sleep for twelve hours a night, she lived a rigidly structured life and she successfully made it through the semester.

The following fall, Amanda again found herself unable to function at Penn. “It

just didn’t work,” she says. “I would get depressed and try to bring myself back up, but with bipolar disorder, it’s really hard to just do that.” She decided to take another year–long absence.

The first month away usually involves little activity, shuttling from home to the psychiatrist’s office and back. After a while, a student on leave may pick up a job or take a class at a local college—CAPS recommends an activity that can simulate the pressure of Penn.

For some, time off allows for resolution of an isolated depressive episode. Sindhu returned feeling completely recovered. “I don’t go for therapy anymore. I don’t take any kind of medication anymore,” she says.

Kate felt that her absence prepared her to settle back into Penn. “I learned a lot about letting go of what people think,” she says. “It’s not the end of the world to take a semester off.”

For other students, mental illness never really goes away. They simply learn to live differently, maintaining medication and therapy regimens.

Sam continues to take the medication he was prescribed last spring, and he sees a therapist regularly.

Since May, he’s felt like himself again. During the worst parts of his depression, “I wasn’t able to think that well.” After going into treatment, he says, “I felt like I could think again. Not being able to think the way you want to is not pleasant.”

On his second leave, Alex is focusing on getting better. He sees a therapist each week and takes medication; still living near campus, he tries to occupy himself

with things he used to enjoy.

“A big part of depression is the lack of motivation. I remember the things that I enjoyed doing, but I don’t want to do them,” he says. “So now I’m trying to do stuff like read and play music, things I know I’ll start enjoying.”

It’s hard to illustrate the severity of a mood disorder. It’s internal; it’s chemical; it’s isolating. The hardest is when it’s insoluble.

Resolution doesn’t always come from CAPS, a parent’s kitchen or a fluorescent– lit ward.

Time away can weed insidious roots; but some of them can grow back.

Madeleine Wattenbarger is a sophomore from Philadelphia, PA, studying English and gender studies. She is an Arts Editor for 34th Street Magazine.

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highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

34

ST

FOOD & DRINK

FILM

DO YOU PAY VIEW? BROWNIES VS.PER CUPCAKEs

How Penn Students Watch Movies Borrow from Library

Watch Movies At Street, we you believe the best is investigative.

So we conducted a hard–hitting exploration dopest 24.6% into the Don't Film polled to fithat nd out how journalism you are getting your Sunday afternoon desserts: the classic pot brownie and red velvet cupcakes for variation.

Which edible is the most edible?

Theaters movie fixes. Here’s what we learned. BY ANTHONY KHAYKIN

T

Free Streaming hough we all know the watch Hugo in theaters. And we you guess then that Penn stu47.7% 16.9% RED VELVET CUPCAKES Paid Online Services Internet is for porn BROWNIES fit this mold of overworked Ivy dents would prefer to get their (thanks Avenue Q), the League students well, with only RomCom fix online with free the texture edgeundergrads piece.”

“Cuter conceptually, better otherwise.” bedroom is no longer “Moist. the onlyI like about 17% ofofPenn streaming websites like SideReel 9.2% area being ceded to digital terri- watching movies at the Rave ev- and Ch131 rather than pay for “Now I had two weeds.”

“Weed actually gives a nice sort of balance in flavor.” tory. For every girl with daddy’s ery semester. services provided by Netflix and AmEx, window browsing on But how about the other ste- Redbox?

1.5% AMreplaced DEFINITELY OUTSIDE OFsays MYall BODY” “Crispy outside.”

Fifth Avenue has“Ibeen reotype, the one that colWhile 75% of us watch movwith online shopping. And lege students are poor? The free ies online, nearly 50% pay for “Is that what I should feel like?”

“Weird bitter aftertaste, got me quick, but I suck.”

FYEs everywhere have virtu- movement of information made it. I hear Horrible Bosses — a Why do you go to the movies? ally been rendered useless (pun possible by the interweb makes new release on iTunes — is hys3.1% “Are you red “Soft and mushy… very buttery, quite tasty?” stag yet?”

6.3% intended) with the existence of terical, but is Other Whoseweed recommendations do you take? the multifarious iTunes store. “Definite it worth the It's aIway to hang outdefinitely.” with friends taste.”

“They’re a little short, not that it’s weird but shorter than expected, 25% 50 Things are no different here 1.5 salads at 47.7% Other It's a good study break 40.6% at Penn, where the Rave getsGoody Proctor with Sweetgreen “I saw “Very herbal.”

40% the devil.”

40 A Friend It makes you feel relaxed and happy nearly half the traffic for the it would Cinema Studies 25% midnight screenings of block-“A pterodactyl—woah.” have cost if Required for Class “A little spicy.”

30 Major 26.2% 25% 25% buster hits like Twilight as Hulu I had seen it Professor or TA “This is the20 genocide of flavor.”

“It was kind of just like eating raw weeds.” does the day after the newest in theaters?

Street episode of 30 Rock airs. This Ramen noo10 *Students surveyed were “My mouth just got stuck together.” keepmovies, touchingmore people’s feet. It’s damp.” allowed to choose more makes sense. We Penn students dles aren’t es “I seven or less, than one option.

0 are too busy procrastinating that bad, I every semester. Simple arithme“Is that what I should feel like?”

“I think was$40 meant to be a dog.” on Penn InTouch and designguess. tic proves thatIit’s cheaper ing funny lacrosse pinnies for entertainment accessible and The average Penn student to watch said movies on Netflix “So good that I want to but don’ttobecause afraid—chances I “I the think I was meant to be algae.” the clubs we’re involved in eat to more inexpensive anyoneI’mwith an (who is are anything but average, if than at Rave, and an addiwill forget about...” leave the comfort of our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watch- tional $20 less on iTunes (cost of popcorn and Mike and Ikes consensus: not included in theseMaybe calcula-taste doesn't matter so tions). The lowthe costoutcome of watch- is the same. much when ing seven movies on iTunes for >> Total amount of less than 30 bucks is worth the money spent in movie many conveniences that online theaters* by Penn paid services afford us: not bestudents each semester ing interrupted by incessant buffering and commercials, the immunity to computer viruses and most importantly, not having to wait 54 minutes after >> Total amount of watching 72 minutes of a movie money spent watching on Megavideo. online, if all people who Not to mention, it’s a small paid for online services price to pay when you look at Dine-In, Catering & Delivery used iTunes* the big picture — the combined savings of the 47.7% of Penn Happy Hour: Mon-Fri 5-7 students who pay for their online services rather than going to the Lunch Special: Mon-Fri $8.95 movie theater is somewhere between $196,136 and $295,344, >> Total amount of Early Bird: Sun-Thur $10.95 depending on whether they use money spent watching Netflix or iTunes, respectively. online, if all people who Moral of the story is: we won't paid for online services judge if you just stay in bed. used Netflix*

BY THE NUMBERS

34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

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Writers' Meeting *A simple random sample 6:30.

4015 'Nut. of 100 Penn undergrads were surveyed to collect data about their film viewing habits.

*$12.50/ticket at the Rave *$3.99 to rent a movie on iTunes *$7.99/month on Netflix

FOOD & DRINK

Drunk, High, Sober: Penne

Poor Penne. It might be the most tubular pasta, but as a restaurant, it falls kind of flat.

Luckily for this smoke-free establishment, 34th Street Magazine is incapable of ignoring a pun. Let's dig Inn (at Penn).

SOBER

As a cheerful hostess led me into Penne, I found that its all–brown interior and jazzy elevator music reminded me of dinner at my local Midwestern mall. I sat in a low, beige booth and looked around to find an absolutely empty dining room—save one elderly couple and a few silent bar–goers—and figured that I was in for a long meal. My waiter soon brought warm bread and olive oil to my rescue before taking my order for pasta with bolognese sauce. Within five minutes my dish appeared, steaming hot. Long, wide pappardelle noodles tasted chewier and less rich than they looked. And the runny tomato sauce with spare chunks of meat wasn’t much better. A hefty dose of melted Parmesan cheese highlighted the plate but didn’t compensate for the all–around bland experience. At $16 plus tax and tip, I’m not hesitant to describe what I ate as overpriced hotel food. In a way, it was the worst definition of OK: not horrible enough to be offensive yet nowhere near the mark of delicious or interesting.

I am drunk at the Inn at Penn. This is too weird.

I clearly stand out in my Penn apparel. Dressed to go to the football game, I’m in jean shorts and a baseball cap. That guy at the bar is in a suit, what?! We sit down, and our waiter turns on the fake candle in the middle of the table. The fake flickering flame and the elevator music in the background really set the mood. Great date place, boyz!

Thank God our waiter brings the bread basket right away. I hate when they make you wait because they want you to order when you’re super hungry. The bread is SO GOOD. All nice and warm with some olive oil and salt, yum.

The pasta may have been a bad choice though. It is delicious, but keeping that pappardelle on my fork is sooo hard.

Eventually I give up and chop it into little pieces like my mom did for me when I was five. Ooh, maybe I’ll take my parents here over parents’ weekend!

Overall, this place is great! But I have to say I was really looking forward to having penne at Penne, and it’s not even on the menu! What an outrage.

HIGH

DRUNK

We need bread.

Okay the waiter poured water, but seriously where is the bread?

This restaurant is #industrializedhighculture #comm123. Mass culture is so subjective though.

Let’s go to Koch’s tomorrow.

Yay BREAD! Margarita flatbread ($10) was a little too doughy and very dry. The Bianco flatbread ($14) was too salty and I honestly can’t tell you what it tasted like but I had two pieces.

It’s 6:45 and we’re one of three tables still in here. Last ones standing.

Alright it’s time for more food.

Yay more food!

The Cavatelli with pesto ($13, tastes more like Linguine and clam sauce, which I maybe should be concerned about but I will proceed to eat the entire bowl. We ordered just a regular bowl of penne with red sauce in the spirit of being at Penne. The sauce tastes like water and the pasta doesn’t really seem like it’s cooked all the way through. And so it doesn’t really taste like anything, but I keep eating it so I can actually taste something in hopes that if I eat enough of it will feel like I’m eating something because I’m so hungry.

When you go to Penne (which you shouldn’t ever do) don’t order the penne.

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FOOD & DRINK

Ashton’s Cigar Bar 1522 walnut street Locations you want. Prices you need. Experience you trust.

Dorm life got you down?

Next year, live with us.

A week ago Ashton’s opened at 1522 Walnut Street. Let's just say it ain’t your daddy’s cigar bar. Enforcing a semi–strict business casual dress code, this is the cigar bar of the future. Ashton’s casts aside the mold of a typical saloon–like smoking joint: low ceilings, dark lighting and a shortage of clean air. Instead, you find huge windows, a spacious brick lounge and a world–class air purification system that leaves the room smelling like fresh grass.

But architectural appreciation aside, what really draws the eye is the colorful and expansive bar. Ashton’s drink menu is about as thick as a copy of “Ulysses” and maybe more complicated. Non– smokers will find the selection—which has over 200 specialty whiskeys—especially enticing.

But the bar is still not the main attraction. The entire back wall, from floor to ceiling, from the windows to the wall, is lined with over 5,000 cigars of roughly 200 brands—including many of Ashton’s own signature cigars. Smoking aficionados, look no further. And for the novices out there, have no fear—the staff is ready to explain the variety of styles and flavors of cigars that can match your personality. They recommended I try a full bodied and spunky cigar. Of course.

As for what constitutes the regular clientele and vibe of the place, it’s probably too early to tell. But after rounding out my stay with an olive and cured meat platter, I took a look around the lounge and noticed that twelve of the fifteen men around me were sporting thick mustaches. If you’re in the mood to feel fancy, or if you’re just looking for some late night relaxation with cigars and whiskey, then Ashton’s Cigar Bar is the place to be.

David Ney

UE

university enterprises

Apartments & Townhouses

37 N.Third Street · Philadelphia, PA 19106 · 267-671-0737 vagabondboutique.com 4019 Locust St. | 215-222-5500 | uerealestate@aol.com “Your mother will be happy.”

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ARTS

CONTRAPPOSTO: TAKING A STANCE ON

levi gikandi

JASON RHOADES

Where the ICA’s new exhibition really isn’t pushing boundaries.

Of the four multimedia installations included in the ICA’s new exhibition, “Jason Rhoades, Four Roads,” the most striking is “Untitled (from My Madinah: In pursuit of my ermitage...).” The work consists of dozens of neon words hanging from the ceiling from orange extensions cords. Visitors are invited to remove their shoes and wander beneath the installation. “Untitled” is visually captivating, and it offers a uniquely intimate way to experience art in a museum setting.

But I felt very uneasy as I read the dangling words: “Breakfast of Champions.” “Beggar’s Purse.” “Fuck Hole.”

Because they’re all slang terms for vaginas.

Suddenly standing there under all these genitalia euphemisms felt disgusting. Maybe I was taking it too seriously; maybe I was just supposed to giggle at the phrases “Pink Turtleneck” and “Penis Holster” and move on. Still, I couldn’t shake my sense of ickiness.

According to the ICA’s website, Rhoades’ work deals with breaking taboos, and the artist is known for “the provocative audacity of his vision.” Some other titles in his body of work include “Birth of the Cunt” and “Black Pussy Soirée Cabaret Macramé,” so “provocative” seems fitting. But Jason Rhoades is a straight male artist. Is it really “provocative audacity” for a straight male in our society to throw around objectifying terms for vaginas? That’s not so different from your average fratty Fling tank.

So what was Rhoades’ intention with “Untitled”? His language seems to indicate that he saw it as a kind of altar, his way of glorifying vaginas—and hopefully, by extension, the human beings attached to those vaginas. The description calls it Rhoades’ “Mecca,” referring to the holiest city in the Muslim faith. Its title references Medina, another Muslim holy city, as well as “ermitage,” or a place of religious seclusion.

Not only is it extremely offensive for a white, non–Muslim man to equate his light–up vagina den with the holiest locations in the Muslim world, but, ew. I don’t feel glorified or honored by this. I feel objectified and creeped out. By building a personal “holy city” out of vagina euphemisms, the installation reduces vagina–having people to one body part, rather than being full human beings.

I’m all for art pushing social boundaries, but “breaking taboos” isn’t interesting when it only reinforces sexist ideals. I can see these same sleazy phrases on items at Spencer’s Gifts—I’m not impressed by some dude hanging them up and calling them “art.”

“I also always liked to create things that held the attention of others. I discovered photography before I knew what I wanted to say.”

Check out an extended interview with photographer Levi Gikandi at 34st.com.

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ARTS

Autumn Art(s)piration: House HoppinG Retrace the steps of some of Philadelphia’s most renowned artists.

1727 Mt. Vernon St.

1320 Locust St.

532 N. 7th St.

2008 Delancey Pl.

This house belonged to the family of 19th–century artist Thomas Eakins. Eakins’ father built an additional fourth floor studio to harbor his son’s artistic talents in oil painting, photography and sculpting.

Here, he embarked upon a professional career after studying abroad in Paris. The studio also contained a mysterious slot that opened to the roof, which the clever Eakins used to easily transport his huge paintings directly from the studio to the street. With a generous amount of windows, the house suited Eakins well, giving him ample lighting for his paintings of Philadelphia.

Currently a National Historic Landmark, the house serves as a base for the Philly Mural Arts Program, which commissions mural projects throughout the city.

Known as the Cassatt house, this residence was built in 1883 by the architectural firm of Frank Furness and Allen Evans for J. Gardner Cassatt, who lived in the house with his brother, Alexander, and his famous Impressionist artist sister, Mary Cassatt. The house’s elegant style has been maintained over time by the preservation of the wooden staircases, crystal chandeliers and marble fireplaces. The house currently serves as the Library Company Fellows Program for scholars—with a full–on luxurious library, study rooms, living amenities and offices—which only speak to its decadence. Mary pursued her painter's life, hopping back and forth between Philadelphia and Paris, lucky to have her big brother’s home to come back to. If you’re in need of a sumptuous break, this is the place to visit.

This 1843 residence of Edgar Allen Poe inspired many of the iconically creepy stories and poems he wrote while living there, including “The Black Cat” and “The Raven.”

The interior of the house still resembles what it looked like while Poe stayed there, and the ambience evokes the settings of his stories: the low lighting and gratuitous red chroma enhance the eerie atmosphere. The residence offers visitors a chance to gaze upon strands of Poe’s lovely locks of black hair and is open to self-guided tours.

Get your horror fix here; you’ll feel as if you stepped into your own “House of Usher.”

Modernist poet Marianne Moore planned carefully for posterity.

Though she never resided in Philadelphia while she was alive, at her request, most of her literary works and apartment furnishings were moved here to the Rosenbach Museum and Library. The Marianne Moore Collection in the museum features almost all of her manuscripts, as well as a considerable collection of her photographs and letters. The entire third floor of the museum is dedicated to showcasing Moore’s study exactly as she left it. You might find your inner poetic muse after peeking through her stuff, or you can take comfort in the sumptuous furniture.

JOHNATHAN WILSON

1727 MT. VERNON ST.

532 n. 7th st.

1320 locust st.

2009 delancey pl

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ARTS

DIY: Framed Chalkboard

YOU'LL NEED: A picture frame (try Philly Aids Thrift for $8–$12) Chalkboard paint (try Blick) Newspaper Tape Chalk

Don’t bother with the bookstore—make your own message board in five minutes.

Paint: Paint the glass part of the frame.

Prep: Lay down newspaper and tape the edges of the frame so they don’t get paint on them.

2

1

HOUSE AD

Anyone who does step 4 as shown—be our friend.

Writers Mtg. 6:30 tonight. 4015 Walnut.

Wait: Remove the tape. Let the paint dry.

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Friday, September 27, 2013 12 p.m. – 2 p.m.

Friday, September 27, 2013 Friday, 27, 2013 12 p.m.September – 2 p.m.

Come see what Philly and Penn have 12 p.m.

– 2 p.m.

Come see what Philly and Penn have to offer at this exciting fair. to offer at this exciting fair.

More than 40 art and culture organizations Come see what Philly and Penn have More than 40 art and culture organizations

to offer at this exciting fair. and light refreshments will be featured. and than light refreshments be featured.

More 40 art andwillculture organizations

Location: Wynn Commons (Rain Location: Class of ’49, Houston Hall) Information: Please contact the Platt Student Performing Arts House at 215-898-2312, or visit www.vpul.upenn.edu/arts

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Location: Wynn Commons (Rain Location: Class of ’49, Houston Hall)

and light refreshments will be featured.

Location: Wynn Commons Information: Please contact (Rain Location: the Platt Student Performing Class of ’49, Houston Hall) Arts House at 215-898-2312, or visit www.vpul.upenn.edu/arts

Information: Please contact the Platt Student Performing Arts House at 215-898-2312, or visit www.vpul.upenn.edu/arts

Decorate: Hang up your chalkboard and doodle away.

Abby Graham S E P T E M B E R 2 6 , 2 01 3 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 17

LOWBROW

LOWBROW : inside ocr

16 SUREFIRE WAYS TO NAIL THE INTERVIEW 1. Aggressively avoid eye contact.

2. Sweat profusely. No undershirts. (Undershirts are meant to cover up the fact that you have no spine.)

3. Place damp, trailing toilet paper under the heel of your left shoe.

4. Laugh. You have such a nice laugh. That’s why your friends do your laugh with you. They want what you have.

5. Begin noticing verbal and physical tics immediately before an interview and overcorrect them during the interview. Your eyelids are droopy. Open your eyes WIDE. Hold it. Keep holding... perfect.

dISCLAIMER: all of this is an illusion. pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

6. Tell the truth.

7. Ask your interviewer to open your briefcase. That’s when the wire–spring snake jumps out and gets him. A–BOYOYOYOING! Classic. Interviewers love vaudevillian humor.

8. Draw attention to how profusely you are sweating in a failed bid at self– awareness.

9. Pack a lot of pens in your briefcase.

10. Wear groucho glasses and claim you are not you but actually your secret twin sibling who has furtively murdered the real you on the walk over from the waiting room to the office chair.

11. Fart in the office and draw a lot of attention to it. Discuss your food cart lunch and slowly wave your hand in front your nose, back and forth.

12. If you are a man, cry. No one knows how to socially handle a grown man crying. Don't think of it as whining, think of it as winning.

13. If you get stuck on a question, stick with it, refuse to move on and shut down before admitting defeat. Interviewers will admire your determination and grace.

14. Studies show that who you are when you are young is a better indicator of who you will become. Exclusively talk about your middle school extracurricular activities.

15. Employers love students who have a good working knowledge of the law.

Talk about how litigious you are.

16. Now that you have successfully sweated through your shirt, tell your interviewer that you are embarrassed and need to change your shirt. Your interviewer will give you permission to leave. This is a test. Stay. Then, take off your shirt and open your briefcase. You will have packed a spare white dress shirt inside. If done properly, all of the pens you packed will have exploded and your shirt will be riddled with ink. Put this shirt on. Your valor will be admired.

17. If things are not going well, abruptly put your outstretched hands on either side of your head and shake vigorously. Then stand up, run around the room and yell, “I am the king! I am the king!” The interviewer will yield to your authority. The job is now yours.

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LOWBROW

Whartonite Overwhelmed By Too Many Job Offers

PHILADEPHIA—Senior Rebecca Goldsmith is in a state of panic today after “yet another” job offer has filled her inbox.

Goldsmith, a Wharton student concentrating in Finance, reportedly “nailed” every single interview during OCR, all 82 of them.

“I just didn’t plan on it going like this! I don’t do well when things don’t go according to plan!” Rebecca yelled while rais-

ing her hands in the air as if she was about to exclaim “why God!” but stopped herself short because she professes no belief in a higher authority.

“I haven’t slept in days,” she added. “There are just too many of them.”

Though it was difficult to find friends for comment, those close in proximity to Rebecca say the 22–year–old has been acting

“much stranger than usual."

“Rebecca doesn’t usually leave her room, aside from her regimen of baking banana bread every night around midnight,” said suitemate Su Lu. “I haven’t smelled banana in at least two weeks—something’s just gotta be up.”

Suitemate Fiona Chug offered a similar concern. “I caught a glimpse of her room yesterday and the floor was covered in unopened envelopes reminiscent of that scene in the first Harry Potter movie with all the letters. Gah… I just love Harry Potter,” Fiona said, seemingly reliving her childhood with that last sentence.

When asked if she was going to make a decision anytime soon, Goldsmith began to tear up and asked us “is it too late to transfer to the College?”

As of press time, the world's smallest violin was playing ever so softly in the background.

Wharton senior’s interview went really well, thanks for asking MCNEIL BUILDING— At 1:45 p.m. today, sources confirmed that the sun was shining a little bit brighter, the birds were chirping a little bit louder and the gentle smile of the archangel Gabriel was just a little bit wider after Wharton senior Tony Jet concluded his interview with Merrill Lynch.

“I think it went really well, thanks for asking,” he said.

The interviewer, Maria Shark—a Merrill Lynch associate banker and Penn alumnus who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity— seems to agree with Mr. Jet's assessment.

“He's a very capable and talented young individual.

I think he has a very bright future ahead of him, if not at Merrill Lynch, then at some other firm. I’m sure he will get many offers.”

However, Tony remains realistic about his job prospects.

“Listen, it’s a tough job market, but anyone would be lucky to wind up with Merrill

Lynch,” he said. “Why, did she ask about me?”

Maria, meanwhile, has intimated that Merrill Lynch has really only been thinking about Tony this whole time.

“Yeah, I think he's great, man. I think he's going places, and Merrill Lynch would love to be a part of that,” she said.

“I’m gonna call him, I just don’t know what to say yet.”

When asked to reveal his true feelings for the investment banking and wealth

management division for Bank of America, Tony finally did so.

“I mean, do I like it like it?” he quietly questioned, breathing unevenly. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

At press time, Tony was reportedly spotted leaping into the air, tilting his body just so and snapping his fingers together mid–jump before landing softly onto the West Side Manhattan streets of 1957.

Parents desperate for a new lie to tell friends after disappointing son remains unemployed The parents of Karl Deely, a College senior majoring in urban studies, are finding themselves at a loss when asked by friends what their son will be doing upon graduation.

“Getting his life together, hopefully,” Karl’s father, Samuel Deely, used to joke. Now, he jokes less. “We used to lie to friends about him, but now, I—I just don’t know,” Samuel said.

At press time, Karl was trying to get an unpaid internship.

Good luck with that, Karl.

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S E P T E M B E R 2 6 , 2 01 3 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9

show time

AT UNIVERSITY PINBALL

A journey into the dark heart of University Pinball Family Fun Center on 4006 Spruce Street. | PHOTOS BY SARAH TSE