09.01.2016

September 1-7, 2016 34st.com

NSO: NEW street orientation (the freshman issue)

FRESHMAN SUPERLATIVES • DISPATCH: NSO • NSO IN MEMES

september 1

LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR

2016

LOL

When I sat down to write this letter, I somewhat helplessly wondered how I was going to be able to sum up all of my feelings about being back at Penn for my final year in 300–odd words.

How could I possibly explain to you how fast Penn seems to have passed or how stressed I am about finding a job or how much I miss my summer...all crammed into this tiny corner of page 2?

But then I realized that I don’t have 300 words—I have 16 pages and a whole damn website. Sixteen pages (and a whole damn website) within which I, and the rest of the staff of Street, can show you exactly how Penn makes us feel this week—and every week for the rest of the year. We can share what’s on our playlists with you (34st.com), laugh about our drunken mishaps during NSO with you (pg.

3) and perhaps impart some wisdom about fuck buddies to you (pg. 12). We may even inspire you to change your profile picture (pg. 8–9).

So, if you don’t know what Street is (looking at you, Freshman reader who picked up this magazine because

3 HIGHBROW

things we're looking forward to, overheards, roundup

4 WORD ON THE STREET having a voice

5 EGO

#goals: summer bucket listers, eotw: chaz smith

LOL

LOL

LOL LOL

7 TECH

anonymous std websites

8 FEATURE

freshman superlatives

11 FILM & TV

pfs presents: movies on the block, summer roundup

12 VICE & VIRTUE

LOL

LOL

someone told you your face was in it), let us show you. We are many faces and countless voices. We are Penn’s arts and culture authority. We are a weekly supplement to The Daily Pennsylvanian. We are the most widely read magazine on campus. We are a gossip column. We are real, we are fake, we are artsy, we are jappy, we are nice, we are mean, we are funny...basically, whether you’d like to admit it or not, we are your guide to Penn.

When I came to Penn in 2013, Street helped me find my voice. Now, as I begin the end of my time at this publication, let me do the same for you. If you are lost or bored or just want some new people to laugh at your jokes, come to our Writers’ Meeting tonight at 6:30 p.m. I promise you will find what you’re looking for and, who knows, maybe you’ll be writing this letter in three years.

Endless love,

how to maintain a fuck buddy, free condoms

ARE YOU SAD THAT THE OLYMPICS ARE OVER?

14 ARTS

COME TO OUR WRITER'S MEETING TONIGHT AT 6:30 PM, 4015 WALNUT.

15 LOWBROW

IT'LL BE LIKE THE OLYMPICS EXCEPT WE'LL HAVE MORE BEER, FEWER HOT ATHLETES, A LOWER RISK OF ZIKA, LESS CUPPING, AND PROBABLY RYAN LOCHTE WON'T BE THERE TO LIE ABOUT BEING MUGGED. ALSO IT'S NOTHING LIKE THE OLYMPICS, SORRY. BUT YOU SHOULD COME ANYWAY.

philly art scene

die-kus, NSO Dispatch

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie, Managing Editor Giulia Imholte, Audience Engagement Director Jeffrey Yang, Design Director Remi Lederman, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Genevieve Glatsky, Features Editor Orly Greenberg, Features Editor Mark Paraskevas, Supplemental Features Editor Dani Blum, Word on the Street Editor Julie Levitan, Word on the Street Editor Genny Hagedorn, Campus Editor Stephanie Barron, Culture Editor Emily Schwartz, Entertainment Editor Jack Cody, Humor Editor Sydney Hard, Music Editor Alix Steerman, Highbrow Beat Jackie Lawyer, Highbrow Beat 2

Mike Coyne, Ego Beat Liz Heit, Ego Beat Zoe Albano-Oritt, Music Beat Jamie Gobreski, Music Beat Olivia Fitzpatrick, Music Beat Colin Lodewick, Arts Beat Claris Park, Arts Beat Nick Joyner, Film & TV Beat Dayzia Terry, Film & TV Beat Caroline Harris, Tech Beat Aaron Kim, Tech Beat Haley Weiss, Vice & Virtue Beat Andreas Pavlou, Vice & Virtue Beat Katie Marshall, Lowbrow Beat Andrea Begleiter, Lowbrow Beat Nadia Kim, Design Editor Sofie Praestgaard, Design Editor

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Alex Fisher, Photo Editor

Julie Chu Cheong, Photo Editor Brinda Ramesh, Photo Editor Sara Thalheimer, Copy Director Morgan Potts, Copy Editor Kyler McVay, Copy Editor Perren Carillo, Copy Editor Sofia Price, Social Media Editor Sanika Puranik, Social Media Editor Staff Writers: Hallie Brookman, Hannah Noyes, & Johanna Matt Staff Photographers: Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh, Julie Chu Cheong Contributors: Maxwell Harrison, Amanda Rota, Shmonor Shmook

Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Alex Fisher, Brinda Ramesh and Julie Chu Cheong.

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief, at johns@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898-6585.

To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "Up until eigth grade it was just Jesus." ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

ARE (AND AREN'T) HIGHBROW

THINGS WE

LOOKING FORWARD TO

THIS SEMESTER

Aside from the obvious stuff like future bankers and Banker's.

Things we're not looking forward to:

Things we're looking forward to: The new Beefsteak restaurant in Houston. Yet another place where we can piss away our money when we're just feeling "meh" about Honeygrow or Sweetgreen.

Philly BYOs. Sure, NYC BYOs are trendier, but they don't quite possess the same turn–up factor, and that's key.

Locust Walk when there are actual, like, leaves on the trees. This beauty is all too fleeting, and Locust will look gaunt and colorless in two months.

OCR in the fall. Unpopular opinion, I know, but let's just get this out of the way, shall we? You'll be checked out by February anyway.

The new Starbucks on Walnut. Definitely not the hero we needed or deserved, but it makes some walks to class immensely more bearable.

No classes on Fridays.

Mama, we made it.

THEROUNDUP Did you get NSOoo wasted last weekend? Even if you didn’t, Highbrow’s here to welcome you back to Penn with this week’s reckless Round Up. For all those freshmen that posted in the Penn 2020 group about embodying the “work hard, play hard” mentality, here’s a little insight into what that really means.

One naked and unafraid ZBT boy took “Dicks out for Harambe” a little too seriously this NSO whilst wandering up and down the floors of an unnamed apartment complex. During his naked hunt for the bathroom, he made his way into a sophomore’s apartment, where she graciously handed him a towel to cover up. Unfortunately, her kindness was mistaken for flirtation and he asked her if she and her roommate would like to join him for a threesome. She sent him packing, but let's hope that her next package will come from the new Ama-

Hearing debates about the presidential election.

We get it, they're two of the most unpopular candidates ever, blah, blah, blah. Can we distract ourselves with something else? Like the probably–fake–but–still–intriguing beef between T–Swift and Kanye?

People who will wear "Make America Great Again" apparel ironically.

The new College House at Hill Field. Really?! You guys get a "movie–screening room" while all our freshman year lounges could boast was a green couch stuffed with

Doritos and farts? Screw you guys, we hate college.

The impending polar vortex. It'll be 70 degrees until December and then global warming is gonna fuck. us. up.

Blarney and Harvest becoming less relevant. Why do we give these establishments attention during the summer, then give them the cold shoulder during the school year? That's also a thinly– veiled metaphor for my love life. So. Classes on Friday. Dammit.

zon Center.

In the spirit of New Student Disorientation, a sophomore boy confused befriending your GA with boyfriending your GA when they had a late– night hookup. The following morning, he realized he’d left his shoes behind and went back for them, only to find a room full of freshmen there for office hours. After the sophomore was uncomfortably introduced as the GA’s “friend ;),” the eager freshmen girls quickly realized what had gone down between the two Penn men. We guess being teacher's pet isn't so bad after all.

The awkward sexual run–ins didn't stop there, since SAE seems to fit the bill(iard) when it comes to cue–ing up unconventional sex. Highbrow hears they have a long–standing tradition of sinking more than pockets atop their pool table. This year, however, bystanders through the window got a full view of the snookers nookie. Chalk it up to experience?

In a similar “game” that involves multiple holes and one set of balls, a Sig Chi senior put the swag in SWUG when he decided to experiment with

over heard PENN at

Girl in Geology #1: How was your summer?

Girl in Geology #2: Eh, I got Zika. It wasn’t that bad.

Rejected Freshman at Phi: But I was here for Quaker Days!

Sheltered Girl: I think that’s the saddest thing that happened to me—learning that Harambe was shot.

Two minutes later: Wait he was shot right?

Sexpert: No, honestly, I think if you had ever thrown up giving head you would understand.

Girl in stranger’s bed: I wake up and there’s this kid with his dick out doing yoga.

four–play. He took not one, not two, but three lovely ladies back to his bedroom. We know that good things come in threes, but what about fours?

During what we’d call an unforgettable NStOe, A's and Theos' Pool Party posed many podiatric problems. Highbrow hears one Castle sophomore jumped into the pool and made quite a splash. Except, instead of a flood there was nothing but blood, because a glass shard made its way into his foot.

An SAE senior faced a similar sole-crushing fate while traversing Bamboo Bar barefoot. After bouncers helped carry our wounded warrior out, the senior ended his day by receiving 30 stitches from the incident. Still, one freshman accomplished an even more incredible feat (feet?) when he nearly managed to lose a valuable appendage at the Pool Party. While other freshman boys were trying to score digits, this one was losing them. It’s safe to say his freshman year definitely won’t be starting off on the right foot.

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

HAVING A VOICE

The moment that I decided to become a professional opera singer started with sobbing.

It was one of those scorching Berkshire days during the summer before my freshman year, when the prospect of a swim seemed far more enticing than performing with the Boston Symphony Orchestra. Instead of scrolling through an Excel spreadsheet or cramming for summer classes, I was in the chorus in a semi–staged production of Candide. My role was nothing big to write home about, but the production itself marked an important moment for everyone in the cast and company. The last time Candide was done at Tanglewood, the famous composer Leonard Bernstein had conducted the production himself.

Illustration by Sofie Praestgaard

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Ditching OCR for opera.

MAXWELL HARRISON Now it was the final dress rehearsal after a long week of seven and eight–hour rehearsal days, and the proliferation of body odor and general air of agitation meant everyone was ready to get the show on the road.

For the final dres rehearsals, usually the afternoon before the first concert, patrons can pay a little less to watch us (hopefully) get it all together at the last minute. That Thursday afternoon, a couple in their mid–30s sat in the second row of the Koussevitsky Music Shed. I could see them perfectly from the spot on stage where I perched for the majority of the show.

She stayed cuddled in his arms for most of the rehearsal.

For those reading this who have never seen Candide (I’d guess 98% of you), the opera is based on Voltaire’s ironic comedy of the same name, satirizing the 18th century enlightened postulate of optimism. Most of the music is an upbeat, playful paradox of the tragedy that occurs throughout the story, until the closing number, “Make Our Garden Grow,” brings the house down on a more serious note.

As the final word and the final chord of the final song struck at that final dress rehearsal, I looked down to see that couple, the both of them, bawling their eyes out. Sobbing, waterworks—I can’t even think of another analogy. Any disdain or dejection I had for the long hours and tough memorization for that production was washed away with their tears.

This wasn’t work. How could it be?

For that split second, that young couple was no longer in Lenox, Massachusetts. They were in "Lenny" Bernstein’s interpretation of Voltaire’s interpretation of 18th century Thunder–ten–ronchk, Westphalia. And that’s where music is the only state– of–consciousness–altering drug taken aurally, rather than orally.

That was the most clichéd thing I’ve ever written. But it’s totally true.

I think the appeal of classical music and opera, to me at least, is that it transports you

back in time while simultaneously staying modern and relevant. Such specific political pieces about American conquests in late–19th century Japan have the themes that allow them to be adapted to the setting of the Vietnam War, 100 years later. Such period tales of dirt–poor bohemian artists, writers and philosophers in 1840s Paris and a love cut short by tuberculosis become a commentary on AIDS in America in the 1990s.

It’s something you can’t read in a book or find on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. And that's why I'm going to pursue opera full time after graduation.

Making a living from opera never seemed like a viable option. Of course, there are people in the classical music industry who make more money than stockbrokers, but those success stories are few and far between. The safe route was to go to college, reap the benefits of my grades in high school and try my chances on a great school where I can study politics.

I decided to major in PPE, and I’ve loved every second of it. But, I’ve never felt as though I have to devote myself entirely to one thing. I could very well get a B.A. in PPE at Penn while studying voice privately with a teacher from the Curtis Institute and doing performances with Opera Philadelphia on weekends. (Come see Turandot at the Academy of Music in Center City! Sept 23–Oct 2.)

So, I decided, why not give it a shot? Don’t I owe it to myself, don’t I owe it to that young couple weeping for more music? If ten years down the road I’m not where I want to be, having an Ivy League degree as a backup isn’t the worst thing in the world. Finding the right path, to me, at least, is whatever is at the convergence of utility, ability and passion. Where can I give back the most to the world while giving a bit to myself as well?

While I’d be more than content to use my degree and voice to fight off the evils in the political sphere (for example, the ones with orange skin and tiny hands), I feel like allowing that young couple to escape back in time, if only just for two hours, is how I really ought to be using my voice.

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: CHAZ SMITH

One of Penn’s most prolific social media personalities has one request: Stop asking him about Watermelón.

Street: Why did you get involved with MARS? Chaz Smith: As a male, I understand that I have a lot of privileges that women don’t, particularly when talking about sexual assault, which is very one–sided. When groups of people that are oppressed speak up about their oppression, people tend to turn their ears off, but when people who have power in the situation, for example, in this case, men who are privileged, are able to speak up about it, it makes much more of a difference because other guys will be more inclined to listen just based on the fact that we don’t really get it so when another guy who they can relate to talks about it they’re more likely to pay attention.

Street: What’s the biggest eye opener for people when MARS presents to other men?

CS: From friends who I’ve spoken to, big eye openers have been statistics. One example is reportedly between 20–25% of women in their lifetime will have been the subject of a sexual assault. For men the statistic is 1 in 33, but I think it’s far, far higher just because of masculinity standards in our society. Something else that people kind of have to learn to get in the presentation is the whole idea of victim–blaming.

In the news you might hear something like, “A woman was raped at 3 a.m. last night,” just something like that, right? And they talk about where she was, what she was doing, but we don’t really focus the conversation on the perpetrator.

been able to provide for me, and because of that I’ve always been happy, but more importantly, just content no matter what was going on. I realized since I didn’t really have any burdens I could do the best with my time helping other people out and making them smile. So at the end of my senior year I went to YouTube to try to do what I said I wanted to do. So I made my first YouTube video in May, it was way too long, I think I deleted it because it’s one of the most cringe–worthy things, but I really enjoyed it and then that same month I started my Vine account and within a month and a half I had, like, 2,000 followers and then I made the Watermelón Vine. In one summer I went from having zero followers to having 50,000.

Street: Do you consider yourself “Vine famous?”

CS: I don’t like that word honestly. I’d say I have famous vines. But in order for me to be “Vine famous” I think I’d have to be recognized in public on somewhat frequent occasion which doesn’t happen at all.

Street: Do you have a favorite word to intentionally mispronounce?

CS: Definitely not “Watermelón.” I’m serious, I’m tired of people saying that, honestly.

If you see me don’t say it. I don’t know, I always pronounce me and my brothers’ names [wrong], I won’t really be thinking about it, I’ll just be walking by…Oh! Actually, baguette: bag–a–titty. It’s so immature.

Street: Do you want to be a creator full-time?

Street: How did you get into CS: Yes, except not Vine conVine and YouTube? tent, I just really want to be a CS: Growing up, I always had director behind the camera telleverything that I needed or ing stories that are entertaining wanted, my parents have always but have greater impact, not like

something where you can just walk into a movie theater with your popcorn and sit down and enjoy it for a little bit and then leave and that’s it, my aspiration is to be [become] the greatest of all time.

CS: Anything potatoes.

Street: Do you have any stories you know you want to tell?

CS: Yeah, the story of King David, because it’s a story that everyone can relate to. Literally and figuratively facing giants and having to overcome, it’s a story about overcoming fear and being underestimated and having confidence in yourself and your identity, but also when he’s older it’s about failure and making mistakes that totally alter your life, and redemption.

Street: What was your first AIM scree name?

CS: Chizzaz1020, that’s still my AppleID.

Street: There are two types of people at Penn…

CS: Those who know how to finish a sentence…

Street: If you are what you eat, then what are you?

Street: What do you love most about Penn?

CS: Honestly, all the relationships that I’ve made, I’d say the people, for real.

Name: Chaz Smith Hometown: Philadelphia, PA Major: Film Theory Activities: MARS, PAVE, God's Property INTERVIEW CONDUCTED

BY MIKE COYNE

Street: What’s something we forgot to ask you?

CS: What kind of music I like.

New age Jazz, there’s this EP coming out called Blue Skies, you have to listen to it. I hate mainstream hip hop that all sounds like, literally, okay, this is my pet peeve.

People will listen to music and I’ll ask “Do you even know what they’re saying” and they’ll be like “No, but the beat’s hot, though.”

That makes no sense to me.

3730 Spruce St

penncampushairsalon.com

215.222.9351

Celebrating 100 years on Campus

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EGO

#GOALS: PENN'S SUMMER BUCKET LISTERS Wish you did something this summer besides slaving away at an internship and well, let’s be real, Netflix? Keep reading to live vicariously through the lives of your fellow Quakers whose summers were truly bucket–list–worthy. You might just be within six degrees of separation from Abby Lee or Michael Phelps (kind of, anyway).

LIZ HEIT & MIKE COYNE

up with the Abby Lee dance studio (where Dance Moms takes place) in her hometown Taught Her Passion and taught an Indian Contemporary class there this If you aren’t familiar with summer. Indian Contempothe ~cultural phenomenon~ rary dance, as the name sugthat was/is Dance Moms, gests, is a style that combines you’ve probably been living both Classical Indian and off–the–grid doing something Contemporary elements. “I bucket–list worthy (we're was thinking about just doing giving you the benefit of the contemporary for a while, but doubt that you're not just cul- then I realized that the entire turally inept). This senior grew reason that I do Indian Contemporary is to make my experience as an Indian American dancer and person more relatable and accessible to everyone I meet.”

RAMITA RAVI (C ’17):

Chased an Olympic Dream Step aside, NARPs. This senior swimmer spent the first half of her summer training for the 2016 Olympic trials in the 50 meter freestyle. One of two team members from the women’s swimming and diving team to compete at the trials, she placed 55th out of 178 swimmers in her event. “For all swimmers, it’s our dream to make it there because it’s our last step to make it to the Olympic team, so in a way it’s a lot of our dreams come true. It really motivated me to train harder and face the new season.”

Photo Credit: Ramita Ravi

Photo Credit: Rochelle Dong

beer springfield distributor

Studying too hard?

KAYVON ASEMANI (W ’18):

headquarters just days later.

The rising junior and aspirPerformed His Own Music... ing hip–hop artist performed three original songs and gave At the UN a speech to round out his performance. "I ended with a Typically used to performing in front of crowds of boozy speech as my music was riding along in the background. A college students, resident Penn rapper Kayvon Asemani very short speech. I basically captivated an entirely different said 'We were all brought here audience this summer—at the to make a difference together.

United Nations. After impress- Peace and Unity.' And the music rode out, I thanked ing panelists at an Internathem for the time in perfect tional Youth Leaders Assemsync and rhythm to the music bly, Asemani was invited to perform at the New York City and the moment was magical."

Take a break with us.

WE DELIVER 2206 Washington ave, Philadelphia 6

ROCHELLE DONG (W ’17):

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(215) 546-7301

Photo Credit: Kayvon Asemani

TECH

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA Anonymous ways to tell your lovers that you maybe gave them herpes.

Remember those awkward, poorly acted, more–painful– than–childbirth, supposedly informational films we were forced to watch in health class? The plot was always the same: unfashionably dressed boy and girl are in a casual, undefined, sexual relationship. Girl goes to get tested because men aren’t expected to be responsible, and she discovers that she has gonorrhea. “But doctor,” she says, “I don’t understand, he pulled out!” “Well, actually Pauline,” the doctor says, “While there are various forms of birth control, condoms are the only effective method of preventing STDs.” She is humiliated at the prospect of telling the boy, but, after a long day of soul searching, she picks up her curly–corded phone and calls him. “But Pauline,” says the boy, “I don’t understand, I pulled out!” and she says “Well, actually…” It is truly riveting cinema.

As uninformative and un–compelling as those films are, they do present an issue that affects us all: STDs are common and easily transmitted (a quarter of college students have one and 80% of all people who have one

experience no noticeable symptoms). Therefore, it’s important to notify your past partners if you have reason to believe they may be infected.

But, for some strange reason, our culture has stigmatized people with contagious warts on their sex organs, which renders taking responsibility a major social liability. Well, good news: there are internet services that allow you to do so anonymously. The bad news, of course, is that now sexual health films will become even more boring.

Here’s the scenario: like Pauline, you’ve just been for your routine sexual health screening at SHS—which you never miss because you’re responsible and strongly feel that STDs are lame—and, despite your strict condom usage, you’ve contracted chlamydia, a prevalent and harmful disease that often lacks noticeable symptoms.

You recognize the importance of notifying any partner of yours who may also have been exposed. But you want to do so without reenacting the "You Have AIDS" song from Family Guy. Here are three websites that will do the dirty work for you!

FYI: Routine STI screenings are available at Student Health Services Price: $10–30 Time: about 30 minutes What to expect: peeing in a cup, some swabbing, potentially a blood test

DontSpreadIt

On this website, you select the STDs you have. When you click them, a brief description of the symptoms pop up, and you have to tick a box that says “Yes, this one.” You then have the option to select a time of exposure (an approximation of when you may have given it to the recipient), and you enter the email or phone number of the person. They will receive a discrete message with a link to the site and a code they can use to view the message, which includes the information you provided along with advice on getting tested. And, if you unlock the notifications of the app, you can correspond with the recipient.

Once you send the message, the website offers these kind words: “Thanks for spreading the word and not the disease!”

SoTheyCanKnow This website provides two services.

The first is a list of “Tips and Scripts” for notifying

the partner yourself, without anonymity. Most of these are pretty obvious to anyone with the basic social skills required to have sex in the first place (Oh really, it’s polite to check that your potential infectee isn’t with his entire extended family with his phone on speaker before you notify them?).

The second is an anonymous email service. It differs from the others in that it only lists diseases that are curable, easily tested for, common in the United States and often asymptomatic. Troublingly, this leaves us with only three: chlamydia, gonorrhea and trichomoniasis. The information on the website suggests that it might be irresponsible to anonymously notify someone of a disease that is incurable (like HIV) or not easily tested for (like herpes) because this information can cause a lot of anxiety and, if the testing isn’t simple or results are difficult to interpret or the disease is incurable, this anxiety cannot be relieved.

After you select whichever of

the three diseases you have, you can preview an email which includes information on how the disease in contracted, the symptoms and how and where to get tested. It requires you to tick a box certifying that you are genuinely a previous sexual partner of a recipient who genuinely might be infected.

InSpot

This website allows you to be festive with your sexual responsibility by providing e–cards. You choose your STD, enter both your email addresses (use Penn Directory) and you also have the option of sending a short personal message. But be sure to tick the box that says “Send Anonymously.”

Otherwise you might as well just deliver the bad news via Facebook message.

STEPH BARRON

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F E AT U R E

F E AT U R E

FRESHMAN

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SUPERLATIVES Street loves freshmen! So much that we captioned the profile pics of our favorite members of the Penn 2020 Facebook group.

See your face here? Come to our meeting tonight. We'll give you beer.

It's kind of like Instacart, but instead of groceries, you just get this kid.

Oh no, no one told her.

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N

W

Hoodie Allen’s love child.

Conceived on an Owls couch.

Welcome to Tabard, Pledge Angelina Leg.

Power points! Synergy! Floating computers! Gentle chin rubs!

DIY Battleship Brunch.

Views.

The girl is ruining your pic, bro.

Future Class Board runner up.

We give it until Thanksgiving break, tops.

I’m a mouse, duh.

Well, you should be on 34th Street. Meeting's on Thursday.

BYO falafel.

She want that lovey–dovey, that...

Taking "Rush Apes" way too fucking seriously. (Ed. Note: RIP Harambe.)

E

S

Virgo. Loving, living, dreaming. If you can’t handle me at my best, you don’t deserve me at my worst. DM me ;)

It didn’t even matter that his eyes had been forcefully gouged out. After that day, he’d never be able to see things the same again anyway.

Guys, be nice. It’s hard to adjust to college, especially as a famous actor, and….oh…. this isn’t Alice from The Brady Bunch?

From the Beyond section of Bed, Bath and Beyond.

It’s not the airplane that bothers us, it’s the smugness.

On my way to steal yo girl.

When your leg is broken but you still got all ten toes after NSO #bless.

They don’t want you to jetski.

They don’t want you to eat breakfast. They don’t want you to go to Penn. #blessup

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You’re one more Illuminati away from being a Tri Delt.

When you open your bid card. Like we are honestly genuYou, my friend, are far too inely impressed with your wrist somber to be on such a fun strength. vehicle.

Be careful...kisses this hot might set Castle on fire.

Stop looking at us like that, Conor.

Future (current?) mansplainer.

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FILM & TV

BACK TO SCHOOL WITH FILM AND TV Grab your backpacks—and your favorite streaming sites.

Ah yes, the back–to–school film genre—not just for tweens who think they’ll be lucky enough to switch places with their popstar doppelgängers (Ed note: every Disney movie ever). Really, we’re here to get you on track and in the back–to–school mood more than buying textbooks and reading syllabi ever could.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Nothing like a film about the ultimate skip day to help you get back into the school spirit. Because let’s be honest, the only important part about school is realizing how valuable the days you aren’t in school are.

The Social Network For all you start–up techies out there, we’re not completely sure how accurate The Social Network is on the tech side of things, but we’re assuming the drama behind starting a startup is the same?

Close? Maybe? Either way, the story of ultimately turning your dorm room start–up into a multibillion–dollar company and paying off student loans is one that hits close to home, so it made the list.

The Internship A comedy about landing a perfect internship that ultimately becomes a full–time job or your life goal? LMK, LMK! Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson found a way to make us laugh about internships for two hours, relieving us of the impending doom of OCR (did you know it’s in the fall now?).

How High Disclaimer: We’re not exactly sure how accurate this movie is about Harvard, recreational drug use or ghosts, but it’s kind of funny and about two guys who “defy the odds” while being high basically all the time. And Method Man is in it. Let’s deem this a “watch in times of extreme procrastination,” but a watch nonetheless.

High School Musical 2 Boy meets girl, boy and girl try to survive a summer relationship, boy sings on a golf course about how he messed up, boy and girl get back together right before senior year in the sequel. Honestly, just watch it for the fire musical numbers.

Mean Girls A timeless piece about the average freshman who falls into the deep, dark pit of popularity, but makes it out alive and helps everyone else realize their wrongdoings in their pasts. With great one–liners and classic characters, Mean Girls is never a bad time.

Accepted A movie that makes you grateful that the only thing

you have to lie to your parents about is your GPA and not that you don’t actually have a college to attend. Or maybe you don’t actually go to Penn, but are making it appear that way to folks at home? Well, then this one’s for you.

Degrassi: Next Class Although technically not a film, nothing says back–to– school more than Degrassi.

Picked up by Netflix after its on–screen finale, this version of Degrassi is a bit tamer and has no Drake, but still fills

you with that sense of relief realizing all that teen angst is (mostly) over in your life.

DAYZIA TERRY

THE BEST PART OF COMING BACK TO SCHOOL IS ALL THE NEW THINGS, LIKE NEW PROFESSORS, NEW CLASSES AND THE NEW SEXY BARISTA AT SAXBYS (WE THINK YOUR NAME IS MAYBE DAVID? WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS PLZ COME TO OUR MEETING AT 6:30 AT 4015 WALNUT, BYO FLIPPY SANDY BLONDE HAIR AND WARM BROWN EYES <3).

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BENEFITS 1 WITHOUT THE BAGGAGE 2 VICE & VIRTUE

How to have casual sex consistently.

Be honest about what you want. Have you ever had someone tell you they’re uncomfortable with you sleeping around? I have. That person will not make a good fuck buddy unless you're cool getting down with just him (or her). Make it super clear that you’re not looking for love—just sex. If you get a booty call text at 2 a.m. when you’re in someone else’s bed, don’t get caught in a lie. Simply politely inform your suitor that you are currently er… tied up in another matter, and you will not be available.

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Call them what you want: fuck budup a plethora of talents. But I am damn dies, friends with benefits, side hoes...but good at keeping men where I want EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W EASYCARE BRAND AD them—in B&W EASYCARE BRAND ADmyB&W however you refer to your lovers, casual bed, not my heart. I esrelationships are hard. Even so, having a tablished multiple of these relationships consistent yet flexible, and comfortable during NSO freshman year, and they yet unattached hookup buddy is the have braved cold Philly weather when EASYCARE BRAND AD B&W we lived on opposite ends of campus and dream for many of us. But it isn’t always long intern summers. sunshine and multiple orgasms—almost inevitably it seems one (or god forThe key to grabbing a significant other, Starting your next painting project?

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Don’t expect a date night or formal invite. Date nights are fun. However, scoring a coveted invite isn’t really what you’re going for here with your arrangement. You’re in for the post–date night sex, not the pregame before.

Skip the obligatory sleepover. Why sleep naked in a dirty frat house when you have a super comfortable bed? Why wake up early to the smell of sweat and someone else’s morning breath when you can wake up late to easy toothbrush access? Remember: he (or she) is your fuck buddy, not your teddy bear.

Give constructive criticism—and welcome it back. The entire point of a friend–with–benefits is being able to comfortably hook up with someone who knows your body. If you like what’s going on in bed, tell them that the way they flick their tongue is sexy. If you don’t, tell them that their whispering in your ear is creeping you out.

Throw all the rules out the window (except the need for consent, duh). Be your own person. Do what you want. If you want to sleep in a guy’s bed three weekends in a row without ever putting out, you’re not a tease, you're not a prude. If you’re in a new bed every night, good for you. Let’s throw a bed party.

Sometimes, you just gotta tell your friends. When all your friends are loved–up and confined to cute little relationships (an occupational hazard of senior year) you have to let them live vicariously through you. Trust me, they need it.

Have fun! We can’t all be single and carefree all the time, so enjoy it while it lasts!

VICE & VIRTUE

CHEAP THRILLS: WHERE TO FIND FREE CONDOMS ON CAMPUS

Going back to school is expensive, but sex doesn’t have to be (unless you’re really into leather). If you’re trying to smash responsibly, on a budget, without catching an itch and without accidentally contributing to the Penn class of 2034, campus has you covered—multiple buildings on campus provide free condoms. And, while we usually don’t recommend double–condomming due to the dangers of friction, Street has you covered, too, with this guide on where to find them.

Break sexual tension, not your bank account.

Nearest “Bro” Probably comes with a free high five and an obnoxious inquiry about your sex life.

RAs However involved or uninvolved your RA may be, there are two things you can always count on: noise complaints and condoms on demand. Going up to someone and personally asking may sound scary, but they are pretty much the only place that has you covered at 3 a.m.

The Women’s Center If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that you can’t trust men with much, which is why the Women’s Center is clutch for free condoms. It’s definitely one of the more convenient spots— right on Locust Walk, so there’s no excuse to ever go condom–less.

As many places as there are to obtain these latex necessities for free, there are still a few more places we think condoms ought to be available. Consider the following list Street's formal request that the University make condoms available at: VP Bathrooms: for library quickies and intimate study breaks. Some free pregnancy tests would also be nice.

Quad Laundry Rooms: What better time to plan for the night ahead than when

washing your sheets?

Student Financial Services: Sexual discovery is a vital part of a college education—we demand a condom stipend!

College Green: If you blow them up, they get huge and make a great balloon to throw around while the weather’s still nice.

Fisher Bennett Staircase: Shakespeare will judge thou if thy spreadeth thee carnal ailments.

ANDREAS PAVLOU

The LGBT Center Protection is key for all parts of the body, and this building provides free chapstick—a must have after any decent night—in addition to condoms. It gets bonus points for also providing free printing.

Student Health Next time a judgmental nurse awkwardly asks if you’re sexually active when the reason for your visit is a foot injury or an ear infection, make sure you pick up a few condoms on your way out. This definitely beats having to lie to you hometown doctor in front of your mom.

CAll John FOR A GOOD TIME

215-467-1005 $20 to enter • Show PennCard & Pay in Cash for 8% off BIG Parties up to 300 people • no corking fee • Room rentals available

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www.phillyiztaccihuatl.com “In john we trust”

1122 S 8th Street

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PHILLY'S FALL ART SCENE Art events in Philly that you shouldn't miss.

Live music • Film • Dance • Theater Art • Education • Community September 2nd Life Outside The Streets Inc. Showcase 7:00 pm

ARTS

PERFORMING ARTS

Philadelphia Fringe Festival Prices and locations vary From September 9–24, the FringeArts hosts over 1,000 contemporary performing arts pieces produced by independent artists. iNtuitons, Penn’s experimental theatre group, will be hosting their annual Alternative Theatre Festival as part of the festival again this year.

Additionally, this year, the Penn Theatre Arts Program is reviving their previous semester’s performance of The Eumenides as part of the Fringe Festival. If you missed the show last semester after tickets were sold out, here's one more chance to see

the stunning reimagining of the classical play, performed in the Rotunda of the Penn Museum.

InterAct Theatre 302 South Hicks Street Student tickets $15 If you’re an Anne Hathaway fan (which we hope you're not), you still won’t be able to see her in person, but you can go watch a play she’s been in before. Written by George Brant, Grounded tells the story of an American fighter pilot who is reassigned to operate military drones from a trailer in Las Vegas after she becomes pregnant. The play has received numerous awards and posi-

September 10th The Rita Jones Dance Company - pieces inspired

by Shakespeare couples 7:00 pm As an alcohol-free/smoke-free venue, The Rotunda provides an invaluable social alternative for all ages.

4014 Walnut • TheRotunda.org

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Kimmel Center 300 South Broad Street Six shows for $147 If you’re a fan of musicals, the Kimmel Center is the place to go. That being said, tickets aren’t cheap. If you’re able to splurge a bit, the Kimmel Center is offering a Broadway Philadelphia package that allows you to go to six of the ten award winning Broadway musicals for $147. With tickets for a Broadway show selling for at best around $40, this isn’t a bad deal. The musicals this season include Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night–Time, Cabaret, Fun Home and the classic An American in Paris from November 22–27. Although cheaper individual rush tickets may open up in the days of the performances, the only way to secure your seats in advance is through the subscription.

MUSEUMS AND GALLERIES

September 8th Double Feature Screening Come and See & In a Glass Cage 8:00 pm September 9th FRINGE! razorsharpthinking.com Presents Felicki University 7:00 pm & 9:30 pm

tive reviews from critics, and it’s a timely piece that InterAct (known for its thought provoking and political productions) is bound to do justice.

Institute of Contemporary Art 118 South 36th Street Free It’s amazing what we can find so close to home. Though the ICA is currently closed, it will be opening on September 14 with its new large scale installation of works by 30+ artists titled The Freedom Principle: Experiments in Art and Music, 1965 to Now, organized by the Museum of Contemporary Art Chicago. The museum will also be hosting a

multi–artist performance project titled Endless Shout, exploring improvisation and collectivity from September through March.

Philadelphia Museum of Art 2600 Benjamin Franklin Parkway $14 with PennCard Unlike the ICA, the PMA is open year round with its sculpture garden and galleries, but its ever–changing exhibitions cover a wide range of nations, cultures, times and movements. Whether

you’re more of a history buff with an interest in Ancient Greece or into more modern works of art, you’ll find something of interest.

Current exhibitions of note are Look Again: Contemporary Perspectives on African Art, which features parts of the Penn Museum’s African collections, and Plays of / for a Respirateur, an installation of works by Joseph Kosuth and Marcel Duchamp. Upcoming exhibits include an exhibit on Mexican Modernism (beginning October 25) and Covering Letter, an immersive installation and video projection by Jitish Kallat, a contemporary Indian artist (opening November 13).

(Bonus tip: Every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. and every Wednesday from 5 p.m. to 8:45 p.m., the museum has “Pay What You Wish” admission.)

CLARIS PARK

LOWBROW

DIE–KUS:

HAIKUS FOR YOUR NSO BLACKOUT FROM START TO FINISH

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The night is young so I drink my roommate’s handle Ugh, now she is mad.

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I walk out the door, And strut past Allegro’s, proud "Later," I whisper.

I’m up. A Legend.

Who are you? Are we friends? Let’s Hug anyway, pal.

I can’t feel it yet Is there something wrong with me?

JK. Just hit me ;)

NSO makes bonds Wharton invests in bonds. Ha. College is so fun.

Time to enter now Hugs for one, hugs for all… FALL I fell. Got back up.

Hey you. Over there.

From Econ 1. I know you.

Did we hu last year?

8 9 10

These are not the clothes I was wearing at the start Of the night. Well, shit.

Time to go home now First a pit stop, I promised Mozzarella sticks.

Back at home, sad face I type to unknown number Thank you, NSO.

DISPATCH: FROM YOUR FIRST DAY AT PENN Life before the Toga Party.

9:00 a.m. Drive in from Westchester with a dream and an over–anxious mother.

9:34 a.m. Insta a pic of the quad and caption it, “Welcome to my crib.” #nailedit 9:53 a.m. Start unloading the car. Uh–oh, Dad has found your RA and is telling “jokes!” SOS. 10:25 a.m. Walk into your Riepe double and see your roommate has a nose piercing and is wearing Birkenstocks.

Wow she’s cool.

12:00 p.m. Lunch at White Dog!! Your parents say they’re “really starting to like Philadelphia.”

1:07 p.m. Hit up that Bed Bath & Beyond on–campus popup for those last–minute essentials. How could you

have forgotten to pack a humidifier!?

1:48 p.m. Put up those supes cute pics of your high school friends while your parents are at a talk from President Gutmann. Consider that you maybe really did peak in high school...

2:58 p.m. Parents are back from talk and say they met a "lovely couple" whose son is a freshman in Wharton. They ask you if you’ve signed up for OCR. Is that a sorority?

4:00 p.m. Your mom cries as she hugs you goodbye.

Even though it’s totes ruining your brand you cry a little, too.

4:30 p.m. Hall meeting!

This is an opportunity to totally reinvent yourself. You

can be anybody!

4:40 p.m. You panic and say your fun fact is that you “love dogs.” Maybe you’ll reinvent yourself later.

5:04 p.m. You kill it at two truths and a lie and no one guesses what your lie is. You’re gonna rule this school.

8:00 p.m. A bunch of kids from your hall are chilling in your room. You look around and smile. It’s so crazy that you found your best friends the first day of school!

You’re definitely going to stay friends #5evr.

8:36 p.m. Someone takes out Mike’s Hard. Now it’s really a party.

10:00 p.m. Your roommate knows some kid named

“Theo” who’s having a party.

Dope!!

10:30 p.m. Theo must be really popular cause there is a line to get into his house! College is krazy.

10:45 p.m. You’ve asked, like, five people but no one knows who Theo is. Weird.

11:00 p.m. Someone hands

you a bright yellow drink called "jungle juice."

11:01 p.m. This is not Mike’s Hard.

5:30 a.m. Wake up on a bench in the middle of Locust. These are going to be the best four years of your life.

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NSO IN MEMES B AC K PAG E

You're welcome.

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