09.03.2015

September 3-9, 2015 34st.com

YOUR

2015 BUCKET

LIST

WHERE'D DRUNK FROSH GO? + ROUND UP + PMA IMPRESSIONISTS

september 4

WELCOMEFROMTHEEDITOR

2015

LOL

Hello beautiful soul,

3 HIGHBROW

It’s that time of year. The cool freshmen are taking off their lanyards, professors are reading you the syllabus, but, most importantly, 34th Street is back in session.

If you haven’t met us, we are Penn’s cultural authority. We’re a group of writers, photographers, editors, marketers, designers and managers that are committed to connecting our peers through journalism. That means recognizing the amazing aspects of campus life that you’ll never see in the admissions brochure.

If you’re returning to Street, expect a more delicious, more witty and more on–point publication. This is Street 2.0. Street Exec, the humans I am lucky enough to spend 99% of my time with, recently restructured our publication. We recognized that to grow and succeed, we needed to change. We created new editor positions, a new editing structure and a new publishing process. We are giving the power of this publication to our tremendous staff.

And if you want to join in hitting 8,000+ people per day with #journalism, come to our first writers meeting Thursday, Sept. 3 at 6:30 pm. We have free beer and free love.

If writing isn’t your drink of choice, pick up Street every Thursday in The DP. It’s like when you find a toy inside your cereal.

But better: It’s Street.

round up

3 WORD ON THE STREET math probz

4 EGO

ego of the week

5 MUSIC LOL

LOL

fall top 15

6 FEATURE bucket list

8 FILM LOL

this week in film

9 FOOD & DRINK

EAT. STREET. REPEAT.

outdoor bars

LOL

LOL

10 ARTS

impressionism

11 LOWBROW drunk frosh

ARE YOU A LONELY FRESHMAN? A WARLOCK WHO HAS BEEN HERE FOR A THOUSAND MOONS? WE DON'T CARE. WRITERS MEETING TONIGHT AT 6:30. FREE BEER.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief Marley Coyne, Managing Editor Ariela Osuna, Digital Director Ling Zhou, Design Director Byrne Fahey, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Yasmin Meleis, Social Media and Marketing Director Dani Blum, Features Editor Rebecca Heilweil, Features Editor Casey Quackenbush, Culture Editor Orly Greenberg, Word on the Street Editor Caroline Marques, Entertainment Editor Emily Johns, Styles Editor 2

Conor Cook, Highbrow Beat Allie Cohen, Ego Beat Carolyn Grace, Ego Beat Spencer Winson, Lowbrow Beat Caroline Harris, Lowbrow Beat Johanna Matt-Navarro, Music Beat Talia Sterman, Music Beat Emily Hason, Film and TV Beat Brandon Slotkin, Film and TV Beat Steph Barron, Arts Beat Syra Ortiz-Blanes, Arts Beat Elena Modesti, Food + Drink Beat Dina Zaret, Food + Drink Beat

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Galit Krifner, Design Editor Holly Li, Design Editor

Dina Zaret, Dining Guide Editor Katie Dumke, Photo Editor Pat Goodridge, Staff Photographer Kyle Bryce-Borthwick, Video Producer Randi Kramer, Copy Director Julie Levitan, Editorial Assitant Staff Writers: Hallie Brookman, Julie Chu Cheong, Dan Maher, Amanda Reid, Pat Goodridge

Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader and Katie Dumke.

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "Ling, is it an Asian custom for couples to sit on the same side of the table?" ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

Highbrow/WOTS

word on the STREET

THE CLASSICS ARE DEAD, AND SO IS MY FUTURE How one English major learned to love uncertainty in a world of Wharton

I’m the one who needs her phone to calculate tip. I’m the one who dropped MATH–103 after the first day. And while it wasn’t necessarily me who received an A on an incomplete math project in high school, a grade given by a teacher too frustrated to continue watching me use Excel…. It was me, and I’m not ashamed. Or at least, I wasn’t.

My freshman year began with an inflated ego. “Look at you,” I thought. “You’re a legend. You go to Penn. Benjamin Franklin started this school, and he basically invented light. And America.”

This inner monologue was cut short by a scoff from another freshman, who acknowledged my intended English degree with, “Have fun at the College of Arts and Crafts.”

At Penn, your intelligence isn’t gauged by your admission. Everyone assumes you have a baseline of smartness. You’re not impressive until you’re starting hedge funds, saving lives or doing whatever engineers do (3D printers

THEROUNDUP Listen up, fresh meat—there are few things more important at Penn than the Round Up. Throughout the year, we will be providing you with Penn’s most scandalous gossip. Take off your offensive Dior sunglasses, because Highbrow is about to throw some serious shade.

Looks like one new student isn’t bound to Excel. Rather than attending the activities fair, some over–eager freshmen attended a highly competitive consulting firm’s info session targeted for senior recruits. Suffocated by the seniors’ anxiety and overwhelmed by the number of Wharton padfolios, one freshman allegedly fainted into the arms of someone standing next to him. The pre-professionals gasped and the info session speaker quickly sought help.

Thankfully the poor soul was okay, but we aren’t

ORLY GREENBERG

are beyond my understanding).

An English major who constantly watches movies because that’s her homework? Not as admirable.

And that was difficult for me to reconcile.

My passion led me in the same direction: English.

However, that creative urge felt incompetent next to my pre–professional peers. These are the kids Benjamin Franklin wanted at his school, students that could also have probably harnessed electricity alongside him. Not confused undergraduates like myself who always singe their curtains with candles.

And while I joked with my friends about my lack of a stable financial future, I secretly felt weighed down by “my useless degree.”

By the end of freshman year, I was ready to explore coding.

That all changed this summer. Through a scholarship offered by the Daily Pennsylvanian and Street, I got an internship at the

McKidding around when we say this might be the Bain of his existence.

Rule #1 of Copa: mo’jitos, mo’problems. Unfortunately, one girl forgot how to Cope–a with the margs and began to vomitar in the treasured venue. As she ran out puking, the drunk girl yacked all over the clothes of another student, who happens to serve as an editor of The Walk. Stumbling on 40th Street, the sick chick accidentally flashed her ass to the other diners—talk about dinner and a show! We hope someone was able to alcohaul her home.

In other bodily fluid news...we found a party pooper. During NSO, Highbrow hears one freshman girl forgot just how *real* post–party poops are. After a day of drinking, this poopetrator couldn’t reach a bathroom fast enough.

In the middle of Irving Street, she pulled up her dress, squatted in her heels and took a dump

New York Observer and was suddenly thrust into the company of some of the most exciting writers I’d ever met. It was during my job that I realized humanities students are not hindered by their specific interests—they’re freed by them. They’re free to express themselves by explaining, analyzing, rewriting.

I return to Penn not afraid of my English degree but thrilled by it. I know Penn is pre–professional. And it’s easy to get lost in the mass of students, all of whom know with certainty their life routes. But the mastery of a language, of a country’s history or of a culture is just as important, and just as impressive.

Take advantage of the opportunity Penn extends to its humanities majors. Go to Kelly Writer’s House, take a poetry class, explore the Barnes. There’s nothing wrong with knowing your career path, but the unknown is pretty exciting too.

But still, try and learn how to calculate tip in your head. For pride’s sake.

before running towards Locust. Shit happens, but next time please remember there’s a reason Beige Block isn’t called Brown Block.

Big girls don’t cry, but they sometimes crawl.

After coming home from a party, a sophomore changed into her onesie, put on her slippers and stepped outside for a cigarette. Upon re–entering the elevator in her apartment complex, the sophomore lost her balance and fell, breaking her foot and ankle while simultaneously dropping her phone down the elevator shaft. Thankfully, she managed to push the elevator button to her floor, crawl back to her apartment (à la the final scene of Saw) and seek medical help.

Word to the wise: Don’t wear a onesie if you’re clumsy.

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

S E P T E M B E R 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

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EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: JACOB WALLENBERG

This IFC President may be head of the Greeks, but he identifies more with Buddhist monks than the gods (even though he looks like one).

Street: What’s it like to be the perfect blonde–haired blue– eyed man?

Jacob Wallenberg: Back home I’m not particularly blonde, I have hair like most people do.

And so for the first time in my life it was like, “That is what you are. That is what you’re known as. You are Swedish.

You are blonde.” It forced me to make the rest of my personality louder. It is very easy to be flattered.

Which is fun! Because I was never that flattered back home.

From: Stockholm, Sweden Activities: Castle Fraternity, IFC (Interfraternity Council) President, Friars Senior Society, TEDxPenn Major: OPIM (probably) Guilty Pleasure: Stupid @fuckjerry or @thefatjewish posts when hungover

Street: So are you ugly for a Swede?

JW: Average. For example, in my group of friends, we’re ten guys. There were two

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guys who were stopped on the everyone gets by, and you get street and asked to be Hollister by too, which is kind of crazy.

When people ask me the one models whereas I was not. thing that I take away from it, I always say, "I learned that Street: Swedish or Italian most of my choices are choices meatballs?

I’m very happy with." I can JW: Swedish. appreciate being alone, but I found I missed my friends a Street: Have you found any lot, and I was excited to get great places to get Swedish back to college as I had known meatballs in Philly?

JW: Ikea. I’m not even joking. it.

When my friends and I have Street: Is there one stupid any excuse we have to go to thing you wish you could IKEA, we’re always like, "Yes! have said during it?

Swedish meatballs."

JW: We only had $80 to spend for food for the week, so we Street: Tell us about what had to basically only make rice Swedish Fish are like in and beans to survive. I lived in Sweden. Are they an ironic Castle at the time, and you can candy? imagine how respectful drunk JW: They don’t exist.

20–year–olds are when there’s food around. Some days I’d Street: You’re president of come down and think, "Yay! I IFC. That must mean you have $5 left for this week, and love all things Greek Life.

I have rice and beans for a few Which Greek god are you days!" And then I’d see there’s most like, and why? rice all over the floor. I wish I JW: I hope I’m not Hades. could have spoken on days like Hmm... well Achilles has his that. heel as his weakness. I would say he’s the most human god.

Street: Who was your first I like pointing out my own celebrity crush? faults, so I guess that sort of JW: I told my sisters I thought works.

Emma from Spice Girls was Street: Does the Castle house the ugly one. have any trap doors? GuilloStreet: Wait, you don’t like tines? Moats?

JW: I think the idea for a moat Baby Spice?

JW: No, I did. I think that was came up at some point. my defense mechanism.

Street: We heard you took the Street: Kill, Fuck, Marry: monk class. How was that?

Amy Gutmann, The Quaker JW: It was definitely a cool mascot, Kweder. experience, but I think it’s JW: Kill the mascot. Fuck that over–hyped a bit. When guy. You could marry Gutmann someone asks me if it was the for the power, but then fucking most meaningful experience Kweder sounds... ew. Marrying of my life ever, I don’t think Kweder could be fun, because it was. But it was interesting then you’re married to a rockbecause you realize that you don’t matter. Everyone likes to star. You know what, I’d have a one night stand with Kweder. think they’re important. But This interview has been condensed.

MUSIC

TOP 15 FOR FALL 2015

Music has got you covered on the only relevant syllabus you need to read for the entire semester—from now to Halloween to (#groan) finals.

JOHANNA MATT-NAVARRO

1. Use your brand new fake, without getting kicked out of Made in America, this weekend, and say hi to the Queen of the Universe for us.

them to see Mitski on Nov. 10, the '90s style indie pop artist at the Philadelphia Mausoleum of Contemporary Art to enjoy some good music and feel in2. Stroll into the Quad while finitely superior it’s still warm to see at least one to your less bright–eyed frosh strumming enlightened away on his or her guitar. friends.

10. Have a girls night out and sing to your favorite radio hits at the Electric Factory on Nov. 11 with 4. Alternatively, stop by Union heavy–pop artTransfer the same night for ist Marina and some beachy vibes from the the Diamonds.

Growlers, a Cali–surf rock band that will make you home- 11. Find tickets to the two sick for the West Coast. sold–out Odesza shows on Nov. 11 at 7pm and 11pm at 5. Skip Kweder and get into Union Transfer.

Avicii’s after–party when he performs in Philly on Tuesday, 12. Go to one of the many, Oct. 6. Better yet, bring Avicii many, many a capella shows to Kweder. that will inundate your Facebook feed towards the end of 6. Catch a live stage perthe semester...if only to remind formance by Alvin and the you that some people out there Chipmunks on Oct. 9. Just actually spend time in rehearsal because. No. We’re kidding. everyday and not at Copa.

Stay clear of that entire area because holy shit, why does this 13. Check out Sufjan Stevens’ event even exist?

58–song Christmas album when you’re crying because 7. If you missed your opportu- finals are killing you, and it’s nity to chill with Chance the not Christmas yet.

Rapper, catch him play your favorite song, "Favorite Song" 14. If you overdid Halloweek on Oct. 22 at the Electric last year and need a break Factory. from your five costumes, hit up Union Transfer to listen 8. Don’t see Disclosure in to dreamy indie group Youth Philly. Too mainstream. InLagoon on Oct. 31. stead, head over to NYC and go hard at Madison Square 15. Or make this your last Garden. semester at Penn and drop out to become a world–renowned 9. Impress your date by taking DJ. Make us proud.

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3. Trip out at Tower Theater on Oct. 5 when Tame Impala, a psychedelic rock band with heavy Beatles–tonality and chromatic sound, comes to town.

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Image credits: Vaniercollege, tumblr. com, indieunderground.ca, magneticmag.com, oneill.com, PBS, Wikipedia.com, freim.tv,

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F E AT U R E

Explore the foliage at the Biopond. We’ve heard it’s really relaxing.

Invite a lover back to the Quad after 2am. Then you’ll really know what it’s like to feel needed.

Announce you know what you’re doing with your life because, you know, you’re pre– med now.

F E AT U R E

Diversify daily chai latte suppliers beyond Starbucks under Commons… to Wawa.

When BYOing at Sitar (38th and Chestnut streets), skip the wine and just bring straight vodka. Mix it with their mango lassi ($3.50), and you’ve got perfection.

Receive a business card from a foxy former Disney star.

Explore a Shabbat event at Hillel.

On a Friday night, it’s honestly the sceniest place on campus.

Go to Penn Park!

Go to a downtown Mask and Wig show.

Lift at Pottruck.

Take shots during your history seminar’s five– minute break in a College Hall bathroom.

Never forget: new year, new bursar.

Walk up Baltimore to 49th Street, where you’ll find Satellite Cafe, Dollar General, and a pretty awesome vegetarian smoothie joint.

Major in Econ for at least five minutes.

Go to a speaker event, just ‘cause.

Stand outside academic buildings and ask freshmen who they know there.

Pregame by taking your flask along and crashing a Penn tour.

Take a shot every time the tour guide name– drops Ben Franklin.

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Ask College Republicans whether you need a Penn ID to vote in their elections.

Take a selfie with the guy at Itzaccihuatl.

Become best friends with Rebecca Stein.

6

Buy pants at FroGro and call it fringe.

Talk disparagingly to a Drexel student.

Zumba during Demo Days. You have until Sunday.

Now that you're all moved in, Street offers you the real items to put on your G-cal.

Drop pre–med.

Challenge Rick Bayless on grounds of cultural appropriation at Frontera.

Get on first–name terms with Wawa’s weekend night staff.

Go to the Saxby’s bathroom and spike your pumpkin spice with some Fireball. Take it from us, it’s good.

Learn the name of one landmark in Rittenhouse so you can show your relatives at Thanksgiving just how well you’re making it in the big city.

BYO Hill.

Find an exotic, yet mega–cultured, landmark in your study abroad destination of choice.

Spend all your sober minutes abroad thinking of puns about it to put as your Facebook album photo.

Add a Castle guy to the Free and For Sale Page, because why not.

Get your TA’s number. Better yet, be the TA whose number is sought after.

Walk of shame out of HamCo’s ridiculous architecture in under 15 minutes.

Say hi to a professor you once had. Actually stop, chat—you’re an adult now.

You can get past the one time you called her mom in lecture.

Get your Shout Out published in Street! It’s your last time.

Have a deep conversation on a Highrise rooftop lounge. Take a good, long pensive look at the Philadelphia skyline. Next year, you probably won’t be living anywhere close to as beautiful as this.

S E P T E M B E R 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

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FILM

YOUR WEEK IN FILM & TV

I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish, but Wharton kids, it’s syllabus week: don’t pretend like you have better things to do.”— Kanye West, approximately

WHAT TO GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED FOR: The Dark Knight: If the gist of this film needs to be explained to you, then shame

on your lowly little soul. Catch this Christopher Nolan gem at 8pm at Gregory College House on Thursday, Sept. 3.

Midnight in Paris: To all the juniors who didn’t go abroad

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and are sadder than people who fill out customer reviews on Amazon: DON’T see this movie. To everyone else, you should definitely catch this romantic fantasy film at 8pm on Tuesday, Sept. 8 at Gregory College House. Because Owen Wilson.

Manhattan: In case you missed Midnight in Paris and need a little Woody Allen fix, check out this classic at 8pm on Wednesday, Sept. 9 at Gregory College House.

Nothing could more strongly convince you than the fact that Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton star in this film. But mostly Meryl Streep.

And yes, it's “downton,” not downtown, you sceney fools.

A lot of stuff went down at the MTV VMAs, which were hosted by Miley Cyrus on Sunday, Aug. 30. Kanye is running for president. JBiebz cried. Miley’s rack. Nothing groundbreaking in terms of film itself.

WHAT TO STREAM: Drunk History came back on Comedy Central at 10:30pm on Tuesday, Sept. 1 for its third season. Although

the title might bring back dark memories of your Friday 9am final last semester, don’t feel deterred from tuning in to this hilarious half hour of amazingness.

Netflix released the first season of Narcos on Friday, Aug. 28. Chronicling the life of “The King of Cocaine,” Pablo Escobar, this new series can provide a solid binge of ten one–hour episodes. Finally, its acceptable to say “drugs, not hugs.” Fans of the Brazilian film series Tropa de Elite will appreciate.

EMILY HASON

WHAT TO BRING UP IN FILM CLASS: On Aug. 29, ITV, a TV network in the UK, released a trailer for the final season of Downton Abbey, which premieres Sunday, Sept. 20.

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FOOD & DRINK

PHILLY IN SEPTEMBER: OUTDOOR BARS YOU HAVE TO TRY Drink outside while you still can...

DINA ZARET

With only a few weeks left before fall officially begins, you’ve still got some warm weather to make the best of all that Philly has to offer. By this, we obviously mean the top–notch selection of outdoor bars. While this list is by no means definitive—as even your most basic pizza shop has outdoor seating these days—we’ve broken it down into simple categories: now you can spend less time searching for what you want and more time having fun.

BROOKLYN-ESQUE: LE BOK FIN

FEELING LAZY: CLUB HARVEST While school was out something strange happened.

Harvest, the place with the tasty–but–unrealistically– small portions, turned up.

The tall bushes prevent it from reaching the SABS level of Copa, but their specials and live music make up for it. Don’t miss the $3 Long Islands on Thursday nights or the Happy Hour $4 seasonal Sangrias.

Harvest Seasonal Grill & Wine Bar is at the corner of 40th and Walnut streets.

THE STANDARD: PAGANO'S A huge patio with a TV screen to match, convenient location and a menu exclusively for “drinking snacks,” this place has got it all. Go for happy hour and pretend you’re a blossoming young professional and not just a lowly college student tired of Smokes’.

A quick SEPTA ride away, Spruce Street Harbor Park proves that even a view of New Jersey can be transformed into something wonderful. Multicolored hanging lights will make you feel like you’re in Avatar, if Avatar had beer, cocktails, Franklin Fountain and Federal Donuts fried chicken sandwiches. If you’re one of the lucky ones, go for a date. If not, your freshman hall will do the trick.

Head to Columbus Boulevard and Spruce Street by September 27.

Missing the trendy, “Oh you haven’t heard of this place?” nightlife you grew accustomed to after your one summer interning in The City? Alternatively, sick of your friends name–dropping places they went in New York and want to one–up them? Look no further than South Philly’s newest pop–up restaurant and bar, Le Bok Fin. Located on the roof of a closed–down high school, get ready to enjoy panoramic views of the city while sipping on craft beers. Plus, you’ll leave with the inside scoop on a place that would make our City Correspondent Stefon jealous.

Find Le Bok Fin at 1901 S 9th Street.

THE BEER GARDEN: INDEPENDENCE BEER GARDEN You’ve heard of it, I’ve heard of it. If you haven’t, now you have. Go for games, beer, appetizers and GTs. Independence Beer Garden is at 100 S. Independence Mall West.

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ARTS

PMA: DISCOVERING THE IMPRESSIONISTS Take a break from the stereotypical Impressionist exhibits and explore Paul Durand-Ruel's collection from the era.

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equivalent to our mocking term “artsy-fartsy.” And yet the work it describes is today considered some of the most TICKETS: $20 with Penncard, priceless art in Western culture.

Because Durand-Ruel—the free for Fine Arts and Art Hisoriginal proponent of the tory majors movement, and of whose personal collection the exhibition UBER: $5-8, 14mins is comprised—recognized the value of impressionism, the PUBLIC TRANSPORT: $5, show includes some of its more 39mins primitive work. Much of the ENDS: September 13th, 2015 exhibition depicts subject matter not typically associated with If a critic of the 19th century the movement. No water-lilies here. And surprisingly few balwere to attend what is curlet dancers, overdressed seasiderently the Philadelphia Art Museum’s main exhibition, he goers and waltzes between might squint at the smudged, blushing maidens and eligible smeared, blotched canvases and bachelors.

The different rooms of the describe it as “worth seeing for the same reason one would go show are organized by the exhibitions in which the paintings see an exhibition of pictures in them originally debuted. painted by the inmates of a Renoir’s ballerina turns over lunatic asylum.”

It's impossible to appreciate her shoulder absentmind“Discovering the Impression- edly as you pass through the entrance. Pissarro’s river glints ists: Paul Durand-Ruel and with unorthodox yet placated the New Painting,” without colors as it flows through the acknowleging that the term “impressionist” was, in its day, frame, while, in the next room,

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Monet’s poplar trees sway in the breeze. Degas’ acrobat Miss La La is ready to leap across the ceiling of the Cirque Fernando for the grand finale as you near the gift shop.

This chronological arrangement allows the viewer to experience the controversial movement just as it unfolded but with the eyes of contemporary critics. But it also opens the eyes of the viewer to 19th century society through the impressionists, who watched as railroads blended the urban with the rural, Montmarte emanated the bohemian movement, and impressionism slowly gathered momentum.

As you exit the museum, it's difficult not to squint in the September sunlight and wonder whether your own eyes, like those of Durand-Ruel and his beloved impressionists, will remain open when confronted with the often overlooked beauty and brilliance of contemporary art and the life it imitates.

STEPHANIE BARRON

LOWBROW

ESSENTIAL SUPPLIES PENN LEFT OFF THE PACKING LIST Insect Repellent: For those moments when you’re trying to kill your bitch roommate.

Crowbar: A college degree is all about opening doors, but your comm degree won't help when you're locked out at 4am.

Ben & Jerry’s: Sometimes you have a bad day and need ice cream. Sometimes you have a bad day and need to shatter a window. Either way, this pint will help.

LOWBROW IS AS REAL AS THE LOVE FRESHMAN GIRLS ALREADY HAVE FOR EACH OTHER. IT'S NOT REAL.

Kiddie Pool: For when the dorm showers are all taken.

Bronco: The fastest way to get around campus.

Pickle Costume: When you get sexiled it’s a portable sleeping bag!

George Foreman Grill: For when you need to crimp your real hair quick.

Parrot: To remember your to–do list.

Gluten Free Paint: For people who are conscious of their roommate’s dietary restrictions.

Polaroid Camera: For when you spot a unicorn.

EXCLUSIVE: Where did the drunk freshmen go??

As reported in the DP last week, the alcohol–related hospitalization of freshmen dropped from 21 in 2014 to seven in 2015. After extensive investigative journalism, Street has discovered what some freshmen were doing instead of drinking.

Judy* admitted to being averse to alcohol. When asked why, she simply stated “my mom made me participate in a blood oath as to never drink jungle juice.

She said if I didn’t participate in the oath I’d get AIDS.” What was she doing instead?

Stilton Cheese—a cheese produced in three counties of England. After eating a block of this hallucinogenic dairy product, Judy proceeded to have “intense, vivid and colorful dreams” as she lay in her bed for the entirety of NSO. Her roommate didn’t even know she had moved in.

Hank* had different ideas.

After the death of Cecil the Lion, he was heartbroken,

so he wanted to feel Cecil’s pain during NSO. He shot himself up with lion tranquilizer. He proceeded to attempt to free the lions from outside the SAE chapter house. When he couldn’t free them, he was so disheartened he transferred to University Arkansas at Pine Bluff.

Christine* came to Penn wanting to study astrology. She had drank in high school and was now looking for novel adventures. After wandering into the caverns below the quad, she discovered a new drug, Jenkem, made from fermented human waste. After two huffs, Christine was never to be seen again. But, she did start

a Tumblr and joined the space–kin community. She is now the fifth star on the right of Apollo’s belt when you look at the constellation while in the bathroom on the third floor of Class of 1887.

She updates her Tumblr regularly.

It seems the other eleven of these alcohol–free freshmen participated in similar activities as Judy, Hank and Christine. Except for Hannah*, who sat in her room and knitted a scarf from her roommate’s hair while reading Gweneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website. Go Hannah!

* Free admission before 1am with Penn ID *

Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays 11pm - 3:30am | 21+ to enter

Book Your Exclusive Event at Club Pulse Drink specials available for private parties info@pulsephilly.com

1526 Sansom St.

215-751-2711

*Names changed because why not?

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