April 4, 2013

April 4, 2013 34st.com

editors' choice

2013

PLUS THE WORST OF PENN & THE REST OF PENN

april 4

7

2013

3 highbrow

craiglist: penn edition, WOTS: english major edition, overheards, roundup

4 EGO

ego of the week:pallavi podapati, worst of penn (so bad it's good)

girl talk

14

7 MUSIC

things that are better and worse than girl talk, album reviews

9 FEATURE

drumroll... best of penn!

14 FILm

guilty pleasure

FROMtheEDITOR

bipartisanship

Here at Street, we like to consider ourselves cultural critics, connosieurs, what have you. Basically, we’re opinionated.

Best of Penn is a tricky game to play, even for the mild-mannered.

Take campus bars for example: tell a Blarney–goer that Smokes is supreme and she’ll surely chew you out. Food trucks are similarly difficult to judge—where speed is critical for some, creativity (we’ve called it “Concept” pg: 11 ) is the criterion for others. But, we like this. Picking Penn’s finest and bidding adieu to runners–up is fun—it makes us feel like Eric Furda.

Then democracy happened. Jennifer Sun, the glamorous Executive Editor of the Daily Pennsylvanian, ascended her Walnut Street podium and posited, “How can a group of 25 beanie–wearers decide what’s best for a campus of 10,000?” Well, Jen. We agree. Our beanies rock.

And so the 2013 Readers’ Choice

awards was born. If you didn’t see the polls we launched in mid– March on theDP.com, you missed out on the chance to change history—Bonded lost in best boutique (see page B3 of the DP) and it's all your fault. And your pick of rowdy BYO brought me close to tears: Charles is getting a certificate (see page B5). Please don’t spill beer on it.

Today’s is a very big issue—we mean that, literally. Here’s how to navigate it: read Street, react, and then channel your exuberance/fury/ apathy into an insatiable desire to find out what everyone else thinks is the very best of the West. Philly, that is.

In other words, read the DP. Just don’t forget who brought you the Round Up.

4

cinedelphia film festival, guilty pleasure: blue crush, review of trance

17

16 FOOD

best i ever ate, best penn food moments, cavs and copa brunch dispatch: it gets shitty

18 ARTS

top 5 artsy bars, rittenhouse square sculptures, artist profile

20 lowbrow rest of penn

dispatch: cavanaugh's brunch

worst of penn best campus club meeting check it out for yourself.

23 backpage 34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

seniors by the numbers

2

WRITERS MEETING 4015 WALNUT 6:30 PM

34th Street Magazine Nina Wolpow, Best Nina.com Sam Brodey, Best Dad Alex Hosenball, Best Spammer Chloe Bower, Best Cock Sarah Tse, Best Pledgemaster Olivia Fingerhood, Best Corgi Margot Halpern, Best Boy Band Zacchiaus McKee, Best Sweater Julia Liebergall, Best Jokes Sophia Fischler-Gottfried, Best Hyphen Ben Lerner, Best Dream Dreamed Isabel Oliveres, Best Red Velvet Cake

Abigail Koffler, Best Cream Cheese Frosting Ariela Osuna, Best Fierce 'Lashes Michelle Ma, Best Specs Alexandra Jaffe, Best Ruffled Socks Faryn Pearl, Best Gregory Cheerleader Patrick Ford-Matz, Best Titties Kiley Bense, Best Wizard Madeleine Wattenbarger, Best Glitter Gina DeCagna, Best DIY Lizzie Sivitz, Best Eggs (Kosher) Zach Tomasovic, Best Ham Frida Garza, Best Tex–Mex Zeke Sexauer, Best Hair Day Lauren Greenberg, Best Buzz

Allie Bienenstock, Best Way to Get on Staff Ryan Zahalka, Best Newborn Marley Coyne, Best Hosengal Michael Shostek, Best Hosenbro

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Nina Wolpow, Editor–in–Chief, at wolpow@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898– 6585. To place an ad, call (215) 898–6581.

Cover Design: Chloe Bower

Visit our web site: www.34st.com

Contributors: Rosa Escandon, Cassandra Kyriazis, Solomon Bass, Nicole Malick, Sandra Rubinchik, Gabe Morales, Alex Sternlicht, James Calvo, Megan Ruben, Sam Trinh, Dan Maher, Alexandra Friedman, Donna Hahn, Jacklyn Kornstein, Megan Soisson, Sandra Rubinchik, Hyland Murphy

"I want to take out a full page ad of myself in the DP." ©2013 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a–okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

craigslist: penn edition

AN ENGLISH MAJOR WALKS INTO A BAR…

Highbrow checked out some local craigslist postings for you. See any you like?

CL > university of pennsylvania > all personals I–Banker for Older Sophisticate - m4w - 21 (The Wharton School) Hi, I’m a very attractive confident young man looking to connect with a cultured fox or Mrs. Robinson type.

Please be no younger than 30 or older than 42. Don’t bother responding if you’re not in shape. I’m a senior with a job lined up and am using the next several months to enjoy the rare free time I have.

Thank You Chippie’s anx - m4w - 50 (UPenn Penn Annual Conference) You so thoughtfully suggested the pheromone spray treatment and then came back around to witness its effects on my nervous little Yorkshire/poo Chippie.

He and I would like to see you again.

By kiley bense

Penn Van Pelt Library - 19 (Penn) Hey curious penn undergrad student studying in Van Pelt now and looking for someone to fool around with for a study break. Get back to me with stats and pictures and let's make this happen.

Hang out and study naked - m4m - 26 (Ucity) I’m a grad student at Penn, looking for a buddy to hang out with naked. Not looking for sex, I just enjoy studying naked and we could keep each other motivated. Also open to just having a couple beers, chatting and watching TV. I have a nice apartment in ucity and I live alone.

I’m 26yo, 6feet, 165 pounds and fit, looking for similar guys, preferably students. pottruck showers - m4m - 20 (penn / upenn) you went to the shower across from me and jerked off.. then came to the stall next to me and let me feel your cock/jerked me off. send me a pic of yourself—we should do it again some time.

THEROUNDUP

at

Dude in Riepe: Orange is my color. It’s like red except, not like red.

Girl 1: I’m going to a capella practice.

Girl 2: What’s a capella?

Sophomore in Bui's line: Uh, could I get a hangover special, but do you like, uh, have matzah?

Guy in Van Pelt: I’m concerned what my brain is going to look like in 20 years.

Bro in Magic Carpet line: There are like eight Theos guys going so it’s like Singapore is going to be Scene–apore.

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

THE FAST IS OVER! Jews, grab your bread. Catholics, grab your sweets.

Everyone and anyone, get excited for The Final Countdown. Fling. John Legend. 4/20. SUMMATIME. All in a matter of weeks. We hope you're prepared. But here's some gozzzzip to hold you over.

Two frat houses, both alike in dignity, in fair West Philly where we lay our scene: two similarly–named Greek organizations held an event at a local children's arcade this past weekend. Though all alcohol was confiscated on the bus ride over, some attendees still managed to get their drink on… so much so that several of them lost their lunch on the bumper cars. After the vomiting incident, staff kicked the partygoers out of the fun zone. Parting is such sweet sorrow, isn't it? At least there was skeeball.

The girls of SDT did not go hungry this holiday season. Highbrow hears that the house chef prepared all kosher–for–Passover meals throughout the week, ensuring no JAP went hungry. However, the gentile chef was unable to cook on Easter Sunday, so she got her charges $10 Sweetgreen gift cards instead. Are we even surprised?

Penn is in the middle of some major aca–drama following last weekend's Off The Beat concert. Penny Loafers, famously known for the award– winning "Penn's Stepping Up," has accused OTB of stepping on their indie/ alternative pop genre, which in a capella world is UN. FOR. GIVE. ABLE. Apparently, OTB even performed a song at their concert previously covered by the Loaf! Quick, somebody call Elizabeth Banks! We think we've found the plot for "Pitch Perfect 2."

In act of sheer jokery, Sweetgreen and Chipotle embarrassed self–conscious eaters everywhere on April Fool's Day. The two Walnut Street favorites switched take–out bags, sending burrito–loving and kale–obsessed customers into a tizzy. SDT was especially confused when they went to redeem their gift cards.

Ever feel like you spend all of your time in Huntsman? Showering, eating, you don't ever need to leave! Even choking the chicken can be accomplished in the hallowed bathroom stalls… just ask one FIJI lad, who took matters into his own hands. Sources say that the boy was interrupted while polishing the rocket. That must have been aca–awkward.

over heard PENN

Two summers ago, I found myself at a soccer game with a high school friend, her friend from college, who I’d never met, and his father. “What do you study?” the father asked me, shaking my hand. “English,” I said. “Oh. That must be easy.” He grinned. “My son is an astrophysics major.”

I like to think that I’m a fairly patient person.

But there is one thing that makes me want to throw stuff. And that is when people mock or question my education and career goals.

If you are a humanities major, you may know what I’m talking about. There’s the Wharton friend who vows to take pity on you next year when you end up living in a refrigerator box by the side of the road. The pre–med kid who insists that you “don’t understand what real work is.”

When I say that I want to be a journalist, all hell breaks loose. “You’re, like, never going to get a job.” “You don’t want to be a teacher?” “I thought journalism was dead.”

Yes, it’s harmless small talk, and we’ve all got to be able to laugh at ourselves (do investment bankers have souls? I’m not sure), but it does get old. It’s tiring to constantly defend myself, often to people who don’t even know me. I hate feeling like I have to prove that my ambitions are worthy of my time and society’s, just because engineering is supposed to be “hard” and an English degree isn’t a guaranteed ticket to a six–figure salary.

But I’m 22, teetering on the edge of my future. I wrote my first story when I was six, and decided to be an English major at twelve.

In high school and college, I refused to take the easy route, no matter how tempting it was. I spent my junior year at Oxford, churning out two 2,000–word essays a week and becoming nocturnal. And while I believe that at least 50% of my successes are due to opportunity and luck, the other 50% come down to hard work and perseverance.

When you assume that I’m coasting because of my major, you’re belittling all of that: the passion I have for my subject and dreamt–of career, the years of long nights reading in the library and waking up with pages stuck to my face.

Maybe I will end up living in a refrigerator box with cockroach roommates (I can use this column for wallpaper). Maybe I’ll have to scrap this plan and fashion a new one. Maybe I will fail utterly. But maybe not. Writing is what I’m good at, what I’ve always wanted to do. I’d be a fool not to at least try. If not now, when?

Believe me, I have enough self-doubt to fill a tow truck—no, two tow trucks. I swear, guy I met in a bar, aunt so–and–so and physics teacher who thought I was dumb, you’re not telling me anything I haven’t already heard and worried about. So, if we run into each other, consider, perhaps, smiling and saving your English major stand–up material for finance class.

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

wordonthestreet

3

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

egoof the week Pallavi Podapati

Street: What’s your deal on campus?

Pallavi Podapati: I’m the outgoing chair of Civic House Associate’s Coalition, the umbrella group for community service and advocacy groups at Penn. And I’m really involved in the Penn Women’s Center both as the finance chair for Abuse and Sexual Assault Prevention (ASAP), which puts on Take Back The Night, and as the producer of Penn Monologues. I’m also in Sphinx, Oracle and a Civic Scholar.

Street: You also started a movement at Penn against mountaintop removal, right?

PP: Yes, I’m one of the founding members of Penn Community Against Mountaintop Removal. To mine coal, they remove full layers of land, which causes erosion and toxins that get into peoples’ water supplies in rural areas. It has now evolved into Divestment

An outgoing chair of the Civic House Associate’s Coalition, Pallavi Podapati is Finance Chair of ASAP and producer of Penn Monologues. And when she’s sleep–deprived, she’s worse than a Penn squirrel on Locust.

for Fossil Fuels, but as a senior, I’m really excited to see what they’ll do. They’re such rockstars!

Street: What got you interested in mountaintop removal?

PP: Well, I’m from a small coal mining town in Kentucky.

“The Dukes of Hazzard” was actually based on my hometown and I got to meet them.

The original ones, not the Jessica Simpson cast.

Street: Tonight is Take Back the Night. Tell us what it’s all about.

PP: TBTN is a grassroots event across campuses and the country against sexual violence, which is not just a women’s issue. It’s around 250 people on college green, rallying, a keynote speaker and a candlelight vigil survivor speakout. It’s really powerful.

Street: Tell us about Civic House Associate’s Coalition.

What is it?

PP: Basically, it’s a support group for all the bleeding heart hippies on campus. What’s OCR? Just kidding, my cochair was a Whartonite. Benjamin Franklin said the great aim and end to all learning is service. I know I’m biased.

But, like, some smarter dude said it before me. So I’m pretty comfortable with it.

Street: What’s your guilty pleasure?

PP: Hot toddy. Tea with bourbon or whiskey or gin, a.k.a. the best thing the British have ever invented. I sip them while sending emails in bed late at night. I’m such a grandma. It’s so great.

Street: That’s awesome.

Why were Penn Monologues started?

PP: VagMons is so impor-

tant but a group of us wanted Penn students to share their own experiences. We were drinking wine and were like “It would be so beautiful!

Let’s do this.”

So many people showed up to the first show that we broke the fire code! We snuck extra people in because we didn’t want to turn them away.

Street: We hear you had an interesting run–in with Philly celeb Mayor Nutter.

Tell us about it.

PP: The Penn Monologues received an award from the Philadelphia Human Rights Commission.

Mayor Nutter was presenting us the award and I totally faceplanted.

He said under his breath “You ok?” I just gave him the thumbsup sign from the floor.

Street: So it seems like people really responded to the Penn Monologues.

PP: Definitely, it’s a place for the women and men of Locust Walk to take off the façade of “I’m just a student.” I think it shows that the disclosure of truth is the best remind-

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34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

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er of our shared humanity.

[Pause] These are the musings that come to me when I drink hot toddies in bed. Or merlots.

Or gin and tonics.

Street: What will you miss most about Penn?

PP: At a moment’s notice I can show up at a friend’s apartment and lounge, complain, freak out or cuddle in bed or go on spontaneous adventures like making s’mores in Clark Park or driving 30 minutes to go see the stars at Valley Forge at 2 a.m. It’s the best. Also the fact that a couple of my friends know how to get Bui’s delivered.

Street: Who’s your alter ego?

PP: Palli. Whenever someone’s taking my order I send people into an existential crisis. They freak out that they’re being racist if they ask me how to spell my name. So I just say Palli. It’s the best when baristas actually ask me how to spell it though. I just want to marry them. There’s one at the 34th and Walnut Starbucks. He’s my soulmate. And has the prettiest blue eyes. Like, the prettiest blue eyes. If you’re reading this, see you Tuesday at 1:30!

Turn that “woo!” into a “boo!” because for all Penn’s wonderful offerings, Ego is here to emphasize its shortcomings. Street’s centerfold may showcase the “winners,” but we’ve got the losers. In case you couldn’t already tell that we like to complain.

byo to get rowdy

west philly coffee shop

Beijing

The only advantage to this pseudo–Chinese freshman hotspot is its proximity to campus. Other than that, your BYO experience will be less than ideal, amidst judgmental glares from waitstaff and an 11 p.m. (strictly enforced) closing time. Just as your buzz turns into drunk, the check is placed on your table and the clock strikes 11. Time to go.

But you’re only halfway through your box of Franzia (which you’ve been drinking in small glasses you had to request multiple times). It’s barely even time to go out yet! Also, did we mention it’s a freshman hotspot?

campus wifi

(Reader's Choice)

Best of Penn features the illest coffee shops in and around University City, but we asked you to vote for worst on– campus café (by extension, worst West Philly coffee shops).

McClelland took the grand prize, as this newly renovated “dining hall” in Ware in the Quad totally sucks. It can be slightly advantageous to Quad dwellers in need of a hangover remedy, but overall, everyone wishes this Bon Appetit institution would say bon voyage. As far as the coffee, it’s the same mediocre brew you see in Houston or Commons­—no variety, no satisfaction.

AirPennNet

The promise of wireless internet anytime, anywhere may be a first–world luxury, but at Penn, it’s relied on heavily. It’s no secret that Penn kids like to keep busy (and to compare stress–loads with other Penn kids). Managing an over–packed Google Calendar on the go, submitting writing seminar blog posts moments before they’re due, and checking Facebook regularly all require infallible WiFi. This is not, however, a word that can be applied to good ol’ AirPennNet. Neither is “helpful” a good descriptor for AirPennNet–Help. Bouts of disconnected and un–reconnectable WiFi occur at crucial times, from deadlines to extreme boredom. Whether you're in class and can’t access the PowerPoint you emailed yourself or want to un–tag the newest batch of incriminating spring break photos, not having WiFi incites panic. Unless Penn is trying to send us a message (go outside, detach from your electronics, etc.) it needs to step up its WiFi game.

place to take a nap

Ben Franklin Bench (Reader's Choice)

Street: What did you want to be when you grew up when you were young?

PP: Gosh. I was such a bookworm and always wanted to be one of the characters in whatever book I was reading at the time...

I wanted to be Harriet the Spy. Street: Any parting thoughts?

PP: I’m sorry that I’m so tired.

I’m acting like a squirrel. I’m worse than a squirrel on Locust.

McClelland Hall

Our famously boozy founder surely loved his naps, but even Benny stays sitting upright 24/7 at his famous bench. So if you’re feeling sleepy for whatever reason, make it to your bed––or at least a library lounge. Your votes decided this very public campus staple would be the last place to catch some ZZZs. Plus, the tourists and touring will all want your spot for selfies amidst urine.

type of class

Lectureminar

It was labeled as a lecture on Penn InTouch, so you walked in on the first day of class, laptop in tote, ready to anonymously send some emails.

Later in the semester, skipping will be no biggie, right? WRONG. This approximately 40–person class is really a seminar masquerading as a lecture, or, as it shall be henceforth known, the lectureminar. Your professor knows everyone’s name in this awkwardly–sized class, where student participation is a daily expectation. You’re not sitting around a table in the Kelly Writers House, though. This is a laptop–free, 80–minute assault on your sanity.

On the first day, your instructor sweetly remarks that “some might teach this as a basic lecture, but I want to discuss each reading together as a class community.” Your one anonymous lecture was a deception all along, and the over–participating professor’s pets have already emerged.

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

Street: There are two types of people at Penn...

PP: Those who know where Civic House is and those who don't.

EGO PRESENTS: WORST OF PENN

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

more eotw

5

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

place to run into last night's dfmo

Unlike basically any other time where you could pretend like you don’t see him/her, this situation is absolutely UNAVOIDABLE. (At Pottruck? Way too into your workout to even notice. In class? A diligent student like you doesn’t look up from your notes. Ever.) Imagine the scenario: you seem to be the only one walking down Locust late afternoon, but about 20 feet away you spot him/her. There is no one in front of or behind you, and you panic and take out your phone. Should I give him/her a nod? A wave? Pretend like I don’t remember?

Does he/she even remember? Where are all those damn flyerers when you need them?! I can’t have been texting this long, right? Seconds feel like minutes that probably end in some kind of awkward half–smile... if you dare. You’ve never wished to see a screaming vagina, rabbis handing out matzah or relentless boa–wearing comedians more. thing to deal with when you're sick

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

SHS

Whose idea was it not to put “Student Health Services” on Penn’s campus? Are you sure this isn’t Drexel’s SHS? Because as if I didn’t already feel completely awful, walking eight blocks should really do the trick. As you tell yourself “I’m almost there, right?” you realize that it’s on MARKET street, and while you may be on 36th, you’re also on Spruce. And you feel so sick that you can’t even stop at Lyn’s for breakfast. But you’re right, SHS, it’s probably good for me to work up a sweat on my way to get a strep test. And I’m sure the people who work in the office building love being trapped in an elevator with a bunch of wheezing college students. BONUS: After waiting two hours in the office, you get to walk back.

alcohol to bring to a byo

6

place to take a date

Alone on Locust Walk

place to have class

DRL (Reader's Choice)

For the most part, Penn's campus is pretty well structured (an "urban oasis," as one Amy Gutmann once said). However, there are a few ill–placed buildings where you may end up taking a class––and the very location might ruin the educational experience for you. You voted, and the worst of the worst––above such offenders as third floor of College Hall (those steps!) and the Penn Museum (really?)––is none other than David Rittenhouse Laboratories. The humanities–minded are not exempt from classes in this sciencey lair of evil, as your English lecture may meet in DRL on—heaven forbid—the fourth floor. Its ugliness is only matched by its 33rd and Walnut location, guaranteeing a schlep for all (minus denizens of Hill). We only wish the DP joke issue would come true and this detested structure would haul its ass to 39th.

Taco Bell

The food court at 34th Street and Walnut is the hellhole of all fast food extravaganzas, far away from Penn's usual see–and–be– seen scenes. If you're being taken on a date to Taco Bell, sober, on a weekend, you're better off purchasing a pre–packaged sandwich at Starbucks next door. If this is your date's budget alternative, Jimmy John may be the better man for you. There is a direct correlation between money invested and heart invested, so prepare emotionally and mentally for a three–course meal for a whopping $10 each. Start off the date with some crunch (crusty) nachos, getting a mouthful of beef, beans, cheese, tomatoes all held together by sour cream on freshly toasted chips from two days ago.

The main dish with your main squeeze is the Cheesy Gordita Crunch, your heart melting, for better or for worse, at the sight of the melted three–cheese blend. You don't know what's worse, the taste or the amount of calories. Finally, you know the old saying: dessert is best served in a paper box package. Order those churros, guaranteed to be served warm—whether that's fresh off the oven or hot off the microwave. Think outside the bun and get the hell out of there.

Banker's What completes a nice dinner out with your friends better than a drink? Is an alcohol–free dinner in Philly even an option? Although you are a group of twenty–one year olds (obviously), you decide to go the BYO route. Before even opening the menu you place down the paper bags and confidently reveal the goods as everyone watches on in excitement. What better to wash down your pasta primavera (or worse, chicken tikka masala) than a nice glass of… Bankers? Efficiency beats quality, so even Franzia wasn’t worth it tonight. Although you may be seated at a “nice” restaurant downtown dressed in your finest, the universally hated drink of choice somehow makes an appearance. Maybe next time you should splurge on the Carlo Rossi.

mobile food concept

Le Ahn's and Real Le Ahn's

Everyone’s heard the story: Le Anh’s best friend stole her identity and the two have been cat fighting it out Crouching–Tiger–Hidden–MSG–poisoning style ever since. Unfortunately, that legend (which is false; by the way) is the most interesting thing about these two “international” food trucks. Hope you like “Chinese gravy,” because you’re getting that on your Kung Pao pork, your chicken with broccoli, and your tofu combo. Not even vegans are safe. The only saving grace about these two sad spots is that they’re open far longer than your average food truck. Know what else featured a wide variety of poor quality generic food at most hours of the day? The Philly Diner. RIP. Compiled by Alexandra Friedman, Nicole Malick, Donna Hahn, Jacklyn Kornstein, Faryn Pearl, Sophia Fischler–Gottfried and Ben Lerner

5 THINGS THAT WOULD BE WORSE THAN GIRL TALK

1. Justin Timberlake: Since it's arguable that JT is currently king of the world,

1. GODSMACK: For those of you who weren’t duped into thinking these guys would be the headliner, it’s a metal band. Yes, a metal band. A moment of silence for all of us who received heart–stopping text messages from gullible roommates.

we can conclude he'd bring Sexy Back better than Girl Talk ever will.

2. David Guetta: Maybe there’s some saltiness over here that he’s not the headliner, but seriously, David Guetta would have brought down the house (stadium).

2. TYGA (aka Thank You God Always): At least with Girl Talk, we’d only be subject

3. R. Kelly: Ignition. That is all.

to one line of Rack City amidst much better songs. Oh, what’s that? Tyga IS coming to fling? Shit.

4. Any of the past 10 years of Fling headliners: Ludacris, Busta Rhymes, Snoop Dogg, Kid Cudi, Wyclef Jean, Sonic Youth, Third Eye Blind, Tiesto, Ratatat, Ben Folds, the list goes on. Fellow freshmen, please feel the anger with me.

3. Any artist from the latest "Now That's What I Call Music": FYI, they're on #84.

5. 2CHAINZ: All I want for my fling is a big booty rapper named 2Chainz. Maybe

Celebrate the fact that you don’t have to suffer through any more of this song that has creeped into every crevice of your life.

some of you think he’s on the same level as Tyga, but there's a special comic appeal to 2Chainz that Tyga supremely lacks.

4. BAAUER (aka the musical entity that is responsible for the Harlem Shake):

5. The Jonas Brothers: They have recently gotten back together, and are probably looking for work. Things could be much much worse than Girl Talk.

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

5 THINGS THAT WOULD BE BETTER THAN GIRL TALK

Bottom Line: Girl Talk is supposed to be hella fun live and let’s not all act like we’ll have the mental capacity to disapprove of him while Fling is actually happening. Also, there is a 98% guarantee that you will hear some semblance of your favorite song because he’s a mashup artist. Give the poor guy a chance.

— Cassandra Kyriazis

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34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

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highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

ALBUM REVIEWS

He's Kevin Crouch by day. DJKEV by night.

Check out our exclusive interview online.

34st.com

“One of the Best Japanese Restaurants in Philadelphia in 2012”

“RKIVES” RILO KILEY

By Gabe morales

Rilo Kiley’s next release, a compilation of archival material, may be their last. The collection, titled “RKives,” compiles never–before–released songs including demos, b–sides, and rarities that flow well while offering variety. With the indie rock elements of “It’ll Get You There” and “Runnin’ Around” and the country strumming of “Bury Bury Bury Another,” the album offers a window into the band’s flexibility. The record also includes a new version of the “Under the Blacklight” track “Dejalo,” with rapping from lead vocalist Jenny Lewis and rapper Too $hort, resulting in a dance track unlike any other Rilo Kiley song before. If “RKives” is the end for Rilo Kiley, it’s a fitting end indeed.

GRADE: A– SOUNDS BEST WHEN: Feeling nostalgic

99–CENT DOWNLOAD:

“Draggin’ Around”

”WOLF” TYLER, THE CREATOR

By SAM trinh

If you never had much faith in Tyler, the Creator’s musical abilities, now would be the time to listen to his newest album “Wolf." The keys are prettier, the drums are grimier, and the verbal spray gets ass–deep in absurdity. The only source of annoyance is that his new personal discontent has shifted from relatable teenage alienation to cliched "I’m– famous–but–unhappy" ramblings.

But even if you don’t like anything he’s saying, the raps are cool and the beats are top–shelf. The commercial byproduct of a racially–confused, horny young dude’s explosive imagination, “Wolf” heaves with angst and is as majestic as morning piss.

GRADE: B SOUNDS BEST WHEN:

You’re 16 and crushing hard on someone

99–CENT DOWNLOAD: “IFHY”

”DEAR MISS “10” LONELYNEW KIDS ON HEARTS” BLOCK COLD WAR KIDS THE By marley coyne 215-735-4444

222 S. 15th St

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

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off at either restaurant when you mention this ad

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modern korean-japanese tapas 215-564-1114

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By CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS

The Cold War Kids’ last album was a departure from the indie sound they exhibited on “Robbers & Cowards,” (2006) as they chose to go for a more mainstream sound. “Dear Miss Lonelyhearts” is a return back to their indie roots and their original sound. There are a few misses with the title track and “Fear & Trembling,” but songs like “Miracle Mile” will pump you up just as much as “Tuxedos” will get you thinking. The album is something like an inverted version of giant amusement park drops; you start off being shot upwards then calm down a bit before another shot followed by the slow return to the ground.

The title track might make you feel like the ride is malfunctioning before you hit the ground, but “Bitter Poem” brings you home safely.

GRADE: B+ SOUNDS BEST WHEN: On

a kind of, but not the most, emotional walk in the park

99–CENT DOWNLOAD: "Tuxedos"

New Kids on the Block’s tenth and newest album “10” shows little maturation from the band’s '80s heyday. Some tracks, like “Remix (I Like The),” provide the spunky, fun pep only a boy band can provide. However, the majority of the album fails to effectively fuse old school pop and contemporary electronic sound by being too safe and clichéd. In the opening lines of the upbeat song "Crash," NKOTB painfully croons that “these are the days of the times of our lives,” and most of the ballads, like “Wasted On You” and “Miss You More” are as soporific as they are generic. For the fan base that has loved NKOTB since album number one, “10” may provide a welcomed nostalgia. But for a younger generation, the album holds little resonance.

GRADE: B– SOUNDS BEST WHEN:

Indulging in excessive hairspray and wearing legwarmers

99–CENT DOWNLOAD: "Remix (I Like The)"

boozy brunch sansom street

Avril 50 & Penn Law Library

pad thai

Thai Singha

Brunch and gossip go together like orange juice and champagne. Stay on campus, however, and you'd better watch your mouth: our local brunch joints are crawling with the very people you want to discuss. A short walk to Gold Standard solves this problem and lifts your hangover enough to start drinking again. Call and put your name on the list as you walk, because breezing to your table near the fireplace feels great. For those without foresight, Gold Standard is two blocks from a liquor store. Evaluate the state of your wallet after last night and purchase booze accordingly. Spontaneous mimosas (or bloody marys) go down easy, as does the coffee, with endless refills. Fill your stomach with the ever–changing specials or the crispy potato cakes with salmon and crème fraiche ($14).

If you get there after two, the café menu serves egg bowls with salsa, potatoes and cheese ($6.50) and pancakes (2 for $4) all day. In Gold Standard’s sunny dining room, brunch never looked so good. Now about that text I got last night…

“I’m here!” “What do you mean you’re here? I’m here and I don’t see you,” “You’re lying! I’m here! Where are you?” And so it goes, via iMessage, until you finally muster up the courage to call this (clearly delusional) friend and yell: “I’m at Thai Singha! The one with the purple walls! The one closer to Hamco!” “Oh... I’m at the other place, see you in a minute.” While having two Thai restaurants on the same block can confuse even the best of us, the pad thai at Thai Singha is unmistakably delicious. The massive mountain of thin noodles are cooked perfectly and covered in a sauce so spicy and peanut–y you’ll forget how much you hate your so–called friend for making you wait 15 extra minutes to order. Squeeze the orange slices that come on the side and take this pad thai to next level; like you, they’re good for more than looking pretty.

byo to get rowdy

Banana Leaf

“Again?” says everyone ever when they see an invite to a Charles Plaza BYO on Facebook.

“I wish there was somewhere else we could get just as rowdy.”

Clearly, someone forgot about Banana Leaf. Not only does this Malaysian spot now provide you with solo cups (take that Charles!), but Banana Leaf is also a dining destination for BYOers outside the Penn bubble. You will have a live audience to watch you boat race, stand on chairs and, of course, take shots out of the soup spoons. We all know how much we love when people watch us in disgust while we act like the hooligans we are.

Plus, no matter how big your party is, you don’t need to make a prix–fixe menu, and the food is actually pretty good, so there’s no need to snack before.

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

In an effort to fulfill the former half of the “work hard, play hard” motto, we indulge in habitual masochism. That is, on any given night, dozens of Penn students can be found nesting in fluorescently–lit Van Pelt cubicles and resorting to Mark’s Café for a sleep–deprived caffeine jolt and a stale muffin.

Thankfully, between Walnut and Chestnut streets lies a reprieve from the VP monotony. Avril 50, which Street profiled earlier this year, is a shop of coffee, postcards and magazines ranging from “Vogue” to “Tin House” to something called “Girls and Corpses.” After stopping by for coffee and chocolate, cross the street to the Penn Law library and strut inside with all the confidence of a future partner at a major firm. The skylights and view of the Center City skyline provide a cozier setting for polishing off that ten–page paper. Better yet, read that magazine you just bought from Avril 50, even “Girls and Corpses"—we don’t judge.

The Gold Standard

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Today’s the day you've been waiting for. The DP and Street have teamed up to bring you the brand new, sexy, improved, best Best of Penn ever. If you’ve flipped through our cousin’s newsier pages on your way here, you’re already familiar with the winners of Readers’ Choice for our 19 titillating categories. Below, you’ll find our picks for Penn’s best and brightest. Expect less hard–hitting reporting and more dancing on tables.

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highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013 10

annual frat par ty

Graffiti Party at Castle

Among those evenings that can’t be remembered sans Facebook, Castle’s annual Graffiti Party takes the cake. Arriving annually at the beginning of the fall semester, Graffiti is the perfect example of a registered frat party done right. Deck yourself out in white clothes you don’t mind throwing out the next day­—by the end of the night, even your undergarments will (hopefully) have spray paint on them. After you get past the bros without a good ratio and the NSO freshmen with bad IDs, you'll enter a psychedelic rave with appropriate dance–inspring EDM. The frat fills the ceiling with balloons and flying glow sticks—even Castle’s iconic moose taxidermy wears fluorescent sunglasses.

The best part? Getting graffiti’d by the brothers themselves.

bar to actually be 21 at

Franklin Mortgage

Now that you’re finally 21, the rules of going out have changed. You’re no longer just looking for any old bar that will accept your fake. Now you’re a bona fide adult who enjoys the finer things in life, like drinks made with more than two ingredients, and you're definitely over Banker's. In fact, you know what? You’re over vodka completely. You’re a whiskey kinda gal now, a gin man.

That’s why you’re going to Franklin Mortgage.

It’s small and exclusive and intimate. It’s mature, like you. You don’t have to fight to get the bartender’s attention; in fact, she even helps you choose a drink based on what you like. The drinks—nay, cocktails—that come out aren’t tasteless or watered down. No. They’re strong. They’re adult. They’re made for sipping, not pounding. You sit around with your other newly–matured peers, sip on your cocktails and engage in mature adult conversation.

This is how your evening goes, because you are now an adult, and this is what adults do. At the end of the night, the waitress brings out the bill.

You look at it… and suddenly you realize that you don’t want to be an adult anymore. A vodka soda fits you just right.

boutique

Locust Moon

No longer relegated to the dusty territories of geekdom, comic books take on a new dimension at Locust Moon. The shop stocks traditional superhero and sci–fi titles alongside graphic novels and other more sophisticated fare. One wall features dozens of the requisite Marvel and DC Comics books: the familiar Avengers, Spiderman and X–Men. Another holds childhood comic–strip favorites, like Calvin and Hobbes, Popeye and Peanuts. Those with more highbrow sensibilities can find books with inventive takes on the form, like Anders Nilsen’s “Don’t Go Where I Can’t Follow,” a love story told through postcards, comic strips, letters and photos. Locust Moon also offers a number of non–literary treasures: action figures and other whimsical trinkets adorn the bookshelves (check out the particularly striking vintage Superman lunchbox). A small but well–lit gallery space adjoins the main area, and the shop occasionally hosts events and classes. Whatever your relationship with comic books, Locust Moon offers an unmatched atmosphere of novelty and quirk.

professor to marr y

Peter Struck

So, you’ve discovered that Penn boys aren’t all they’re hyped up to be. Most of the guys you’ve gone out with think “grabbing Frappuccinos at Starbucks” counts as a date, and your last conversation with the BF ended with “Goddamnit Nicole, it’s not salmon, it’s Nantucket Red!” You’re looking for a man who’s more mature than macho, sensitive but not weak–willed and, most importantly, taller than 5’ 7". The Fates have answered your call with Peter Struck, professor of Classical Studies and instructor of the most (requirement) fulfilling class at Penn, Greek and Roman Mythology.

His tousled hair, boyish good looks, kind eyes and quiet self–assurance remind you of your first teacher crush, Mr. Turner, from “Boy Meets World.” You giggle at his worst jokes, laugh like a hyena at his good ones and blush profusely when he reads from the “Theogony” and describes in detail the literally earth–rending lovemaking between Oranos and Gaia. And as the semester winds down and Struck begins lecturing on the application of mythology to marketing, he finds yet another way to pluck at your heartstrings. Nothing is sexier than a man who can turn a profit from liberal arts. When he plays for the class the trend–setting De Beers “Diamonds are Forever” commercial, you can’t help but recast the scene in your mind. As the generically beautiful actor/Peter Struck combo gets down on one knee and pulls out three– months salary, you shout, “YES! YES! MARRY ME!” Oh… was that out loud?

Baby Blues BBQ

Time–capped happy hour is not the Baby Blues way—the Sansom Street BBQ grotto likes it all day. Specials, like Monday’s $3 Miller Pounders and Friday’s $1 discount on all beers and cocktails, change nightly, while the "City–Wide Special" ($6.50 for any pounder plus a shot of Jack Daniels or Jim Beam) is there to stay. On Tuesdays, $4 “Well” drinks allow for your choice of bottom–shelf booze and mixer— so customize a cranberry vodka soda, or whatever. Rumor has it that proximity makes Baby Blues Zete’s hottest hangout, but we reckon it’s got something to do with the food. Our waitress—Penn junior Allison Brodsky— told us we couldn’t go wrong with the bacon cheeseburger ($9.95) or the shrimp po’boy ($10.95), so we ordered both with fries. Our only plea for the Southern spot? Stretch your lunch deals out to dinner (food is only discounted until 4:30) so we can go at it again. Otherwise, it’ll be house tequila and pong on your outdoor table for us.

non–fling holiday

Shabbat

Benches in Williams

It’s mid–afternoon, you slurped up your third caffeine dosage from Williams Café an hour ago, and it’s time to crash before rising for your next class.

No worries—every floor of Williams has a leather– cushioned bench recessed into the wall and adjacent to the elevator, so that regardless of what floor you’re on, your go–to napping nook is close by. Designed simply, two vertical wooden planks support one horizontal six–foot–long plank, properly fitted to the length of your Frankenstein body. Resembling a doctor’s bench that's perfect for your resurrection, four black cushions top the horizontal plank.

While their abundant bounciness can fool you into believing you’re floating in spongy clouds, any passersby engaged in a sweet conversation of a Romantic tongue are equally likely to lure you to sleep. As you stare further up to the sky from your fantastical retirement in the clouds, you’ll also be greeted by a multicolored bulletin board, adorned in the flashy advertisements of foreign places you wish you could be. Just hang in there—only a few more weeks before you can show off your hard work in Italian class while on summer vacation in Venice.

food truck concept

Cucina Zapata

Getting to Cucina Zapata can sometimes feel like a trek to the Temple of Doom. Not only is 31st and Ludlow kind of a schlep, finding a place to eat around that part of Drexel is nigh–impossible, too. But finally stumbling upon the truck may be one of the greatest treasures of a lifetime. The truck, brightly decorated but not gaudy (especially compared to Tyson Bees), serves all kinds of Mexican–Thai fusion, from chicken satay tacos to Cap’n– Crunch covered tilapia burritos. The food is magnificent, always cooked fresh, though a cold walk back to Penn could sufficiently chill your meal. The staff may be Cucina Zapata’s greatest asset, as each employee greets every customer with a smile and small talk— and it isn’t even awkward! Make the journey out to Drexel for Cucina Zapata, because no truck at Penn can match it in terms of quality, uniqueness or attitude.

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

There is nothing better than Shabbat at Penn. Come to Hillel for hundreds of Jews of every shape and size and stay for the challah and grape juice (maybe even wine, if you're lucky). Friday at sundown should be known as Friday at FunTown. Shabbat services at Hillel offer Friday night prayer for Jews of all denominations. Hillel's dining hall also serves a Shabbat meal. Insiders and cool kids will be invited to private Friday night dinners. The best part about Shabbat: no phones, no electricity, no bullshit. You have to stick to the plans you make and actually talk to people. On Shabbat there's no loud music to drown out conversation, just you, a potluck meal, and most likely at least 40 Jewish people. Also everyone dresses up for Shabbat! It's like being an adult: looking nice and not being on Facebook.

place to take a nap

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happy hour

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highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013 12

pizza

Dock Street

downtown

If you died, went to Heaven, and then went to Heaven's pizzeria to try a slice, Dock Street's pizza would still be better.

Seriously, this stuff is good. Last summer, I was getting this pizza on the daily, but my doctor has since intervened due to alarmingly high cholesterol levels. I now wear a leg monitor—if I step within 20 yards of Dock Street Brewery, Dr. Cohen knows.

But that doesn't mean I still can't write about their pizza. When you go, make sure you start with the Flammenkuche pie—not only is it funny to say, but it's amazing to put in your mouth (that's what she said).

For your second pie (trust me, you'll want another) I recommend the a la Cocca. The a la Cocca comes with creme fraiche and a fucking egg on top! What's better than an egg on a pizza? A pizza on an egg? Hmm... we might be on to something.

haircut on campus

Saturn Club

Getting a haircut at school is hard. You’ve got that special someone back home who knows exactly how you like it done and you’ve gone to her for a million years—now, you’re in a strange new place, unsure of where to turn when your locks get long. Instead of toughing it out until your next break, though, there’s a better option—Saturn Club.

A cozy, two–story salon tucked into the quiet Moravian Court area between Sansom and Walnut Streets, Saturn Club offers a broad range of services at relatively affordable prices. A simple shampoo and cut will run you anywhere from $25–$40—a bargain compared to its competitor around the corner, Adolf Biecker, where haircuts range from $40 to over $100. The staff is friendly and they know what they’re doing—the stream of regulars is testament to that.

Recess

So here’s why we love Recess: we concede it’s in Old City, which is kind of far off, but unlike at Whisper, you don’t have to walk up a flight of stairs to get in here. You just walk right through the door. This may sound simple, but it’s not: the architects behind the Walnut Street club were considerate enough to play to our pregame. Is there anything worse than falling up the stairs? Now for the interior: the VIP section and the plebe–playground is one in the same. It’s a bandage– skirt and grey–goose passing free for all. Don’t have a table? Don’t worry. The staff at Recess lets you play on the couches, so you can rock out and pretend you don’t want to end up on Instagram, which you will. And you will look cool even without a filter; you can smoke inside, which is a special effect in itself.

place to buy beer

Evan's Pizza

It’s nine on Saturday night and you’re looking to start your evening off right with some refreshments.

You’re out of booze and, let’s face it, even if the liquor store were open, it might as well be a million miles away. You could go to Allegro, but ugh—the selection is weak and it’s not exactly a deal. What’s a thirsty Penn student to do? Fortunately for you, a wide, wonderful world exists past 40th Street—and that world contains Evan’s Pizza. Located just past 43rd Street on Locust, Evan’s is less about the pizza and more about the drank. From six–packs of craft brews that would make Tap House envious to your standard domestic tallboys and 40s, this under–utilized gem undoubtedly has the best beer selection on campus. The prices are reasonable, the walk is pleasant and—one more thing—they have Four Loko. You heard right. See you there this weekend.

Green Line

quizzo

Let's start with Green Line's coffee. If you've ever wanted to taste drip coffee fit for the gods (and not pay outrageous amounts for it, like you do at Capogiro), head to Green Line Cafe. There are three locations nearby: one on 42nd and Baltimore Streets, one on 45th and Locust Streets and one near Drexel, so study hours there are always convenient. Next, let's consider the baked goods.

Are you vegan/gluten free/hungry? Green Line has a wide assortment of muffins/loaves/croissants/ sandwiches for you. Some locations are cash–only though, so come prepared. If nothing else, you should go to Green Line for the eye candy. Sure, sometimes you won't be able to find a table (it's very popular with the West Philly crowd) but that just means you'll have to share a table with the gorgeous babe who rode in on his or her fixed gear bike. Swoon. You can thank us later.

If you are so inclined, you could go to Quizzo every day of the week. The options are endless!

Long Island specials and terrible team names on top of clips of Billboard’s Top 10 songs of 1997? We know, pretty tough to beat. But nothing compares to crowding into a frat house, sneaking swigs of your own homemade “Long Islands” and answering obscure facts while 100 sorority girls serve you food. We didn’t know a Quizzo that wasn’t Blarney or New Deck could be fun, but the ladies of Sigma Kappa know how to ‘zo. Plus, Quizzo for charity— Alzheimer’s research, to boot—is the icing on the cake. As this year’s emcee so astutely announced at the event, “we do Quizzo because people with Alzheimer’s can’t.” The prizes here can’t even compare to that Tap House bar tab that disappears as quickly as your bursar account. Eagles tickets, spring break trips to beach houses and enough restaurant gift cards to last a semester. Finally, Sigma Kappa Quizzo is held just once a year to create artificial demand—a classic strategy. Your move, Blarney.

Happy Hour ½ Priced Local Drafts 2013 4:30 - 7

Happy Hour ½ Priced Local Drafts 4:30 - 7

bartender or bouncer

Dan Saris

Sigma Kappa

Happy Hour ½ Priced Local Drafts 4:30 - 7

Happy Hour ½ Priced Happy Hour Local Drafts ½ Priced Happy Happy HourHour 4:30 - 7 Local ½ Priced ½ Drafts Priced 4:30Local - 7 Drafts Local Drafts

Happy Hour

4:30 4:30 - 7 - 7 ½ Priced

Local Drafts 4:30 - 7

See our menus on Facebook!

See our menus on Facebook!

3420 Sansom Street, Philadelphia, PA Reservations: 215.386.9224

Best of Sansom Brunch Street and Saturday Runner-up for & Best Boozy Sunday Brunch

Brunch Saturday & Sunday

Brunch Saturda & Sunday

Brunch Saturday Brunch & Saturday Brunch Sunday Brunch & Saturday Saturday & &Sunday Brunch Sunday Sunday Saturday & Sunday

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

Like a Monday night $10 pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea, Blarney’s favorite bartending bouncer, Dan Saris, is incredibly sweet. He's an undeniable hit with the ladies, and when it comes down to it, he can certainly knock you out. The pre–med footballer stands at six feet, three inches tall and weighs in at five tons of pure, unadulterated badass. (We added that last bit in to intimidate the TFA kids sure to stalk him next year.) Dan’s pals might say that his best qualities are his loyal friendship, sense of humor, and endless appetite, but we know better.

Dan’s real best qualities are that he never overstuffs your drinks with ice, never rejects a freshman without a sincere smile, and never cuts you off after your third fishbowl, even though he probably should.

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west philly cafe

See our menus on See 3420 Sansom St.Facebook!

our menus on See our menus on Facebook!

(215) 386-9224 menus on menus on See our Facebook!

3420 Sansom Street, Philadelphia, PA Facebook!

Facebook! menus onReservations: 215.386.9224 Facebook!

See our19104 PA 3420 Sansom Street, Philadelphia, See our PAPhiladelphia, Reservations: 215.386.9224

3420 Sansom Street, Philadelphia, PA

3420 Sansom Street, Philadelphia, PA

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YOUR CINEDELPHIA FILM FESTIVAL ITINERARY The brand–new Cinedelphia Film Festival (April 4 through 27) offers over 40 different Philly–centric film events.

Below, a few of our favorites: By faryn pearl

Philly ‘80s Horror Double Feature April 7, 7 P.M. at PhilaMOCA 531 N 12th St.

Miss Rose’s Sexploitation Follies presents Wes Anderson Burlesque!

April 20, 10 P.M. at PhilaMOCA

Philadelphia has always been a hub for so–bad– they’re–good horror B–movies. Enjoy these two classics—especially the one about a Satanic lawn mower—with the original directors and producers.

Does Wes Anderson’s self–conscious, heavily stylized sense of whimsy make your no–no parts tingle? Then this is the show for you! Featuring performances inspired by "Rushmore," "The Royal Tenenbaums" and more.

David Goodis and “The Burglars” (1867)

LOUD! FAST! PHILLY!: A Video History of Philly Hardcore Punk

April 12, 7:30 P.M. at International House Philadelphia 3701 Chestnut St. Sit in on a pre–movie panel featuring everyone from an Edgar Allen Poe expert to the Noir convention founder, then watch the rare 35 mm screening of the French crime movie based on Philly author Dave Goodis’ novel.

April 23, 8 P.M. at PhilaMOCA

A frank, uncensored documentary on Philly’s long and controversial underground punk scene, from its conception in the ‘80s to its rebirth in the present day.

Kappa Th eTa DeaD

Murder at the Sorority House A new novel by Rebecca

Matthias

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

M eet e lizabeth K neeley : Sorority

14

Sister, Varsity Athlete, Murder Suspect. Her life is about to unravel as an ordinary day at her prestigious college intersects with a killer. Elizabeth returns home to find her roommate, Dani lying in a pool of blood.

Dani’s boyfriend, Sal, is standing over her, wiping off the knife. “This isn’t over,” he growls at Elizabeth as he exits through the fire escape. Minutes later, the police haul Elizabeth away for questioning. The clock is ticking as Sal hunts her down. All she has going for her are her own wits, and the help of her sorority sisters.

Game on.

Now Available on Amazon.

www.RebeccaMatthiasAuthor.com

Birdemic 2: The Resurrection

April 27th, 10 P.M. at PhilaMOCA A sequel to the cult environmental horror movie, starring flying birds that look like they popped off an Angelfire site. “Visionary” director James Nguyen will be in attendance to hopefully explain himself.

GUILTY PLEASURE: “BLUE CRUSH”

By Cassandra Kyriazis

Prior to winning a date with Tad Hamilton and charming Superman and… well, I don’t really know what else because Kate Bosworth really hasn’t been in a lot of movies, she starred in a little surfing flick entitled “Blue Crush.”

The beachy girl–power movie focuses in on three best friends who live in the townie part of the Hawaiian North Shore. They live and breathe surfing and surfing alone. Kate Bosworth’s Anne Marie is especially talented and is invited to participate in the famous Pipe Masters surfing competition on the North Shore. However, Anne Marie had a near–drowning incident three years earlier. Since then, she's had a lot of trouble getting back up on the board when it comes to the huge waves, so she has to get into gear in the week before the competition takes place. Lucky for her, she has two awesome best friends and a sexy NFL quarterback to help her get through those incredibly tough times.

Just about any critical review of this movie reveals that the plot is horribly “meh,” but the cinematography of the ocean is seriously killer. The message isn’t half bad either — who doesn’t love a good old “girls can do sports, too?” The Hawaiian landscape plays out like the best shot Sandals commercial of all time. Plus, Warren Huntington III ("Legally Blonde") plays the charming QB who gets into Anne Marie’s pants. And if none of what I’m saying is convincing you to watch “Blue Crush," there's a hilarious football player named Leslie who makes the whole thing totally worth it: think fat black guy dancing in a speedo (or as he calls it, a "nut container"). The plot of this movie is certainly lacking, but the waves and the people are just so goddamn pretty that the “Blue Crush” DVD has earned a permanent spot in my dorm room.

ONE OF THE AREA’S MOST COMPLETE LOCK SERVICES Locks repaired • Locks installed • Auto locks • Bike Locks • Safes

24 hour service — business & residential

31 S. 42nd Street, Philadelphia, PA 19104 (Between Market and Chestnut)

215-386-2929

OUR GRADE: B METACRITIC: 66% RATING AND RUNTIME: R,

By DAN MAHER

101 min.

Danny Boyle’s stylish heist drama, “Trance,” tries hard to be the new “Inception.” Unfortunately, an overly complex plot with one too many detours into the mind stifles any potential emotion. James McAvory stars as an inside man who manages to hide a stolen painting before being knocked out by Franck (Vincent Cassel), his high–ranking mob accomplice. Franck enlists hypnotist Elizabeth (Rosario Dawson) to help them get into his surrealist amnesiac psyche and locate the missing painting. Unfortunately, the script refuses to let its characters grow in a way that feels authentic. It’s a shame that the film’s undeniable technical achievements remain hamstrung by the messy script, making it feel as though the director is relying on his trademark style to obscure a narrative that is more confusing than clever.

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Studios: $675-$725/month 1 bedroom: $775-$825/month

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Sylvania Gardens 414-24 S. 48th Street

INTERVIEW WITH PENN FILM FESTIVAL WINNER JULIE ADAM College freshman Julie Adam talks about her winning short animation “Minature.”

88%

☛ Heat, hot water, & gas included. ☛ Dogs & cats permitted—no charge!

☛ On-site laundry facilities. ☛ 24-hour maintenance.

www.bergerproperties.org . 215.771.1036

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“TRANCE”

BY FARYN PEARL

STREET: What inspired “Miniature”?

JA: It’s a love story. What inspired it? That’s

a good question. I don’t think it was inspired by anything specifically, but I really like paper, and I wanted to make it come to life and I wanted to animate my best friend, Matthieu Mintz, at the same time.

Then I had the idea of the paper doll. And I actually had a deck of cards that was right there, and I was like, “Oh, he’s going to be really little, and some stuff that seems really little to us will seem really big to him.” The rest of it was just to make it more fun and more entertaining to watch.

what to study yet. Honestly, I tend to think that people who work with animation as a job went to art school. So I don’t feel like I’d have the credibility.

Hypothetically, I would love to. Realistically, I don’t know if that’ll happen. I’ll do everything I can to make it happen.

I really want to because it’s actually what makes me happy.

When I have nothing to do, I start thinking about animations and stuff. I have a thousand projects I want to do, and that’s what I’m looking forward to.

STREET: Are you considering animation and film as a future?

JA: Well, my dream job would be to be involved in it in some way. But I’m a freshman and I don’t know

STREET: Can you give a clue on what your next project might be?

JA: I can say one thing: it will involve sugar.

Read more about the Penn Film Festival and its winner, Julie Adam, online!

34st.com

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

STREET: Why did you start doing animations?

Julie Adam: I always liked animation: Pixar and Disney movies, film and all that. But I never took a class or anything, so it was, like, completely random. One day in 2010, I was just really bored and I was in an art store. I saw this animation book and I was like, “Oh. I can animate that.” That’s how it started. I bought a lot of books about animation and I started teaching myself. I loved the fact that you can literally make anything happen with animation. No limitations.

15

BEST I EVER ATE Leftover roast lamb shoulder from Zahav (“Free” with your parents' visit) When I stopped being a vegetarian, I swore to myself it was “for my health” and that I’d only eat chicken “once in a while.” That was before I became a reborn omnivore—devouring some Zahav lamb, left in my fridge after my parents’ visit. It was late, my roommates and I were starving and we grabbed the container of roasted lamb over crispy Persian rice. With every flavorful bite, the pomegranate juice– braised lamb melting in my mouth, I slowly became addicted. Even cold, the taste was potent and the consistency perfect. Needless to say, I never looked back.

— Nicole Malick Turkey Sandwich from Commons (“Free” with dining plan) Ok, so I know Philadelphia has actual fine dining, where actual trained chefs make actual palatable food. But in the moment, the best thing I’ve eaten during my time at Penn is nothing more than a simple Commons sandwich. The Thursday of my freshman year Fling was a rough time: after spending the entire day drunk, I realized it was 8 p.m. and I hadn’t eaten all day. I don’t know how it happened, but thank the gods, because a turkey sandwich suddenly appeared in front of me. It was uncomplicated—turkey, mayonnaise, tomato, lettuce, bun—nothing fancy. Sometimes, when it comes to plain, non–exotic food, you can’t go wrong with good ol’ Penn dining. Or maybe you just need to be really drunk and practically starving to consume it. Regardless, my tastebuds had never been happier.

— Zacchiaus McKee

BEST PENN FOOD MOMENTS

Pistachio and Ricotta Gelato at Capogiro ($5.13) When I first gazed through the glass of the gelato bin at Capo, the faint olive green savory– looking swirls of Sicilian pistachio contrasted with the pale, creamy ricotta with almond slices. Intrigued, I took a chance and found that a combination of the two had an unexpectedly ideal balance. Each time I took a bite of the pistachio, my taste buds were inundated with a mixture of nutty salt and the smooth decadence of sweet cream. The transition to the ricotta satisfied my craving for richness over tang. The cheese flavor was rich but not too sweet, and the mild yet luscious slivers of almond provided a crunchy break from the smooth, churned dairy on my palette.

— Solomon Bass

The little things that make our hearts sing and our mouths water 1. The reliability of a full Williams Café punchcard to make you feel like a VIP 2. The first bite of Bui’s after a night during which you lost your punchcard 3. The first HubBub iced coffee of the season 4. The middle of a long day when you realize it’s Wednesday and Copa awaits 5. Honest Tom’s breakfast burritos 6. When Commons has waffle–fries 7. Calling Koja ahead of time and strutting up to the front of the line to it pick up 8. Getting swiped in for Hill brunch 9. This text: “my parents are in town and want to take some friends to dinner” 10. The Dunkin' Donuts Foursquare deal that gives you free coffee every four visits 11. Biting into a fried Oreo in the Quad during Fling

Beef Bulgogi Steak Sandwich at Koja ($3) Believe it or not, sometimes Yahoo! still gets it right. As a freshman, my then–homepage took me to a list of the “Best Sandwiches in America” and wouldn’t you know that Koja, in our very own University City, neared the top of the list? I hurried over to 38th and Walnut Streets the next afternoon to try their Korean take on the classic Philly cheesesteak. I made sure to order it “spicy” and after a few minutes I was delivered a silver–wrapped, piping hot sandwich of goodness. A short Italian roll piled high with sizzling beef, melted mild white cheese, grilled onions and green peppers, all drenched in a mysterious spicy red sauce came together to form one of the most perfectly flavorful bites of food I’ve ever had. Three years later, I’m still convinced it’s pretty much the best $3 of food money can buy.

— Isa Oliveres

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10:55 am: Two friends and I trek to Copa on an early Sunday morning.

11:02 am: Walk past Copa by mistake because we don’t know what 40th and Spruce looks like during the daytime.

11:07 am: Enter Copa, where the calm morning atmosphere is strange. Where is everyone?

11:08 am: Hostess brings us to table and gives me an ambiguously flirtatious wink/had something in her eye. I guess happy hour starts early on Sunday.

11:13 am: I order a Poinsettia, consisting of champagne, cointreau liquor, and cranberry. It tastes great until I find out it’s $7.50 and then the bitter taste of poor college student life takes over.

11:29 am: Challah French Toast platter (#KosheratCopa) looks like it has potential, but is dry as sandpaper, even with that little bit of Vermont maple syrup. The powdered sugar is pretty, though.

11:30 am: Monte Carlo Omelet with cheese and mushrooms is no better, making Hill omelets seem

XPN

DISPATCH: BRUNCH AT CAVANAUGH'S

By Isa Oliveres

Philadelphia (215)-382-1330

gourmet.

11:32 am: My Burger Benedict, a nicely cooked sirloin burger served on a brioche roll with ham and a poached egg along with home fries (#notsoKosheratCOPA) is the winner and proves that Copa’s best dishes are its burger adaptations.

Forget Copa Wednesday, I'm the new president of the Copa Sunday Club.

11:45 am: Family coming from what I assume is fun Easter brunch, sits across from us, orders nothing, and proceeds to walk out fifteen minutes later. Looks like Copa magic does not work on everyone...

11:30 am: Walk in to Cavs. Realize I’ve never been here before midnight.

Or with the intent of sitting down and staying.

11:31 am: Are they open? Are they serving brunch? Where is everybody?

11:32 am: Look around for a sign of life, even if it’s a cockroach.

11: 33 am: Hooray! Waiter appears, all smiles. “Sit wherever you want” he insists. It’s hard to pick a spot since every table is empty.

11:36 am: Order coffee and look over the menu. Food and booze offerings are almost equal in length.

11:40 am: Drinks arrive!!! The spicy bloody mary ($6) is quite tasty. The coffee “is being brewed." You mean not a lot of people come to Cavs for a caffeine fix?!

Cavanaugh's 119 S 39th St. Philadelphia (215)-386-4889

11:50 am: Coffee ($2) arrives in “Kahlua” mugs. How appropriate.

Remarkably mediocre and drinkable.

11:55 am: Down my drink when I realize the food should be coming soon.

11:58 am: Food is here! It looks kind of pretty! The big bowl of fresh fruit is an unexpected surprise.

12:00 pm: Pretty sure this is the same french toast my mom used to make out of Wonderbread ($8.99). Whatever, challah is pretentious. Too bad this sausage is made of rubber so I can’t cut it with my knife.

12:05 pm: Try my friend’s eggs benedict ($8.99). The egg is surprisingly well poached, the yolk is nice and runny.

But that “Hollandaise” sauce looks radioactive. I’ve had worse, but I’ve definitely had better.

12:12 pm: Realize the whole “coffee is ok” thing was a delusion. This is gross and burnt.

12:56 pm: Pay the bill while trying to rock out to the Siriux XM Country Music station that has been blaring all morning. Walk out and realize that it was more passable than I expected, but I’ll stick to the six packs from now on.

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

DISPATCH: BRUNCH Copabanana AT COPA 4000 Spruce St.

Music Film f e s t i va l

APRIL 11-14, 2013

Produced by the P H I L A D E L P H I A F I L M S O C I E T Y

Rockumentaries, musician biopics and movies defined by their great soundtracks!

OPEN ING N IGH T

GOOD OL’ FREDA

FREAK NIGHT

Costume party set to The Flaming Lips’ famed 2012 Halloween show.

PLEASED TO MEET ME

CL O SING N IGH T

TWENTY FEET FROM STARDOM

The untold story of back-up singers, the true heroes when creating a full musical sound.

Starring John Doe and Aimee Mann.

GREASE SING-A-LONG THE HISTORY OF FUTURE FOLK

2012 Philadelphia Film Festival Audience Award Winner.

Plus performances, open and closing night parties, and special events!

Details at XPN.org/music-filmfest | Student’s Pay Just $8 with I.D. All screenings and events in University City

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

The Beatles as seen through the eyes of the woman who spent 11 years as their secretary.

SPE CI A L SCR EENING S

facebook.com/XPNMusicFilmFest #xpnmff13

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highbrow & drink film feature highbrow ego ego food music film feature food &music drink arts arts lowbrow lowbrow

SCULPTURES OF RITTENHOUSE SQUARE FILM 34

ST

How Penn Students WatchofMovies When the warm weather sends you strolling through Rittenhouse Square, take note of these works public art and their rich histories.

Borrow from Library

DO YOU PAY PER VIEW?

By MEGAN RUBEN

Film polled you to find out how you are getting your Sunday afternoon “Lion Crushing a Serpent” movie fixes. Here’s what we learned. BY ANTHONY KHAYKIN

24.6%

Don't Watch Movies

"Evelyn Taylor Price Memorial Sundial"

“Duck Girl”

T

Free Streaming This47.7% queen of quacks, bride of birds, girl of ducks, 16.9% leaves viewers wondering… why? DespitePaid theOnline Services baffling subject matter, “Duck Girl” embraces a classicized elegance reminiscent of Greek sculp9.2% dress (and or ture. Her beautifully executed toga?) clings to her form and flows grace1.5% and raises fully behind her. She steps forward her right hand as if gesturing and conversing with her rather uncomfortable looking duck. Artist Paul Why do you go to the movies?

Manship left the upper torso of "Duck Girl" ex3.1%to the elements.

6.3% posed Manship is best known Other for his work "Prometheus" that takes center It's a way to hang out with friends stage at Rockefeller Center in New York City.

25%

19th Frenchthen sculptor Antoine– we all know theof Philly’s watch Hugo in theaters. And wecentury you guess that Penn stuA tributehough to the former president Louis offprefer his penchant for Internet for porn fit this mold of overworked Ivy Bayre dentsshows would to get their Rittenhouse Squareis Flower Association, Q), the League students well, withdynamic only RomCom fix online with free compositions and heightened this piece(thanks featuresAvenue a towering sunflower. bedroom no longer about 17% of Penn undergrads like SideReel drama instreaming this piece.websites Also known for his Two nude is children reachthe up only to tug on area being watching movies at the Rave ev- and thanbrings pay fora depictions of Ch131 animal rather life, Bayre petals that ceded encircleto adigital centralterrisundial. tory. Forclearly every agirl withofdaddy’s ery semester. services providedscene

by Netfl ix and somewhat incongruous from the Though victim your friendly AmEx, window ste- to Redbox? wild Rittenhouse Square. Regardneighborhood acidbrowsing rain, the on sculptureBut how about the other Fifth Avenue beencarefree replacednostalreotype, the one that says all col-this sculpture While 75% of us movless, shows offwatch the artist’s embodies the has playful, with online shopping.

And lege students are poor?

The free ies online, nearly 50% pay for undeniable mastery over his medium. gia that always seems to tie itself to FYEs everywhere have virtumovement of information made it.

I hear Horrible Bosses — a As Bayre’s works are usually displayed warm weather. Besides, nothing says ally been rendered useless (pun possible by the interweb makes new release on iTunes — is hyswithin a more formal museum setting, springtime like public nudity. intended) with the existence of terical, but is “Lion Crushing a Serpent” offers park– Whose recommendations do you take? the multifarious iTunes store. it worth the goers a unique perspective on the art“Giant Frog” 50 Things are no different here 1.5 salads at 47.7% ist’s variationOther of textures and swirling at Penn, where the Rave gets Sweetgreen 40% 40 composition. A Friend Created in 1941, heavily nearly half the this traffi c for stylized the depiction of it would Cinema Studies a—you guessed it—giant sits regally30upon a midnight screenings of frog blockhave cost if Major 26.2% 25% 25% pedestal nearlike theTwilight center ofasRittenhouse Square. buster hits Hulu I had seen it Professor or TA Sculptor Vanthe Auken Chapin is20 does theCornelia day after newest in theaters?

Street best known for such stone representations episode of 30 Rock airs. This Ramen noo10 *Students surveyed were allowed to choose more of animals thatWe remain all over makes sense.

Penninstalled students dles aren’t than one option.

0 the Withprocrastinating slender and elonare country. too busy that bad, I gated webbed feet andand marble–like on Penn InTouch designguess. ing funny lacrosse pinnies The average Penn student eyes, the geometricized “Giant for Frog” entertainment accessible and the clubs in to inexpensive to anyone with an (who is anything but average, if glorifies onewe’re of theinvolved elusive inhabitants leave the comfort of our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watchof Rittenhouse Square.

Theaters

40.6%

It's a good study break

It makes you feel relaxed and happy

25% “Billy”

Required for Class

“Billy,” the cleverly–named billy goat, may be small in scale but standsmovies, loaded with es seven moretextural or less,detail. The every semester.

Simple arithmenuances in his fur are accentuated by distic proves that caused it’s $40by cheaper colorations aging and pollution. to watch movies on Netfl ix pronounced Thesesaid discolorations are more thanaround at the the Rave, and an of addicontours the sculpture's tional $20 less on iTunes (cost carefully executed fur. Sculptor Albert of popcorn anda Mike and Ikes Laessle was local artist who taught at notPAFA included in these calculafor over twenty years. tions). The low cost of watching seven movies on iTunes for >> Total amount of less thanGo 30 to bucks is worthfor the an interactive map!

34st.com money spent in movie many conveniences that online theaters* by Penn paid services afford us: not bestudents each semester ing interrupted by incessant buffering and commercials, the immunity to computer viruses and most importantly, not having to wait 54 minutes after >> Total amount of watching 72 minutes of a movie money spent watching on Megavideo. online, if all people who Not to mention, it’s a small paid for online services price to pay when you look at used iTunes* the big picture — the combined savings of the 47.7% of Penn students who pay for their online services rather than going to the movie theater is somewhere beKorean Japanese Truck of tween $196,136 andand $295,344, >>Food Total amount depending on whether they use money spent watching Monday-Friday Netflix or iTunes, respectively. Open online, if all people who Moral of the story is: we won't 11:00am-7:30pm paid for online services judge if38th you just staybetween in bed. used and Netflix* St. Walnut Sansom

BY THE NUMBERS

34TH STREET STREET Magazine 1, 2011 34TH Magazine December April 4, 2013

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8 18

$196,136

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Dine-In, Catering & Delivery Happy Hour: Mon-Fri 5-7 Lunch Special: Mon-Fri $8.95 Early Bird: Sun-Thur $10.95

PattayaRestaurant.com • 215.387.8533 4006 Chestnut Street • University City

=

$295,344

*A simple random sample of 100 Penn undergrads were surveyed to collect data about their film viewing habits.

*$12.50/ticket at the Rave *$3.99 to rent a movie on iTunes *$7.99/month on Netflix

Sick of the dull decor of Smoke's and Blarney? Check out these locales to browse while you booze.

1. Graffiti Bar 124 S. 13th St.

2. The Farmers’ Cabinet 1113 Walnut St.

Getting There: Take the Market– Frankford Line; get off at 13th Street.

As warm weather approaches, so does the opportunity to appreciate art in a different environment. Spend happy hour outdoors enjoying custom spray–paint art from renowned Philly artists Distort, A Lot and Rune. The walls and chain–link fence create an urban aesthetic that will leave even the most skeptical reconsidering graffiti’s merit as an art form. Don’t let the capricious weather stop you: there are heaters hanging over the tables for those chilly nights and a clear enclosed ceiling for the rainy days.

Check Out: The graffiti–covered tables and walls.

Getting There: Take the Market– Frankford Line; get off at 11th Street.

This speakeasy–style raucous beer hall features a prohibition–era aesthetic that will leave you feeling like a character on "Boardwalk Empire." Walk in the door and take a step back in time as you enjoy the vintage vibes. You can’t go wrong with a diverse European craft beer collection paired with rustic décor like wooden barrels, ornate wallpaper and faux gas lamps. After all, the "Farmers’ Cabinet” is a metaphor for the handpicked supply of the farmer’s finest goods. The sail–like curtains and Mason–jars–turned–lanterns are sure to bring out your inner flapper or secret bootlegger.

Check Out: The straight–out–of– the–1920s beer casks on the wall.

3. Tattooed Mom 530 South St.

“What I like to do is to first analyze the proportions of the face and the direction of lighting. Then I start sketching a quick outline of the face, keeping in mind proportions.”

Check out an extended interview and a 34-second speed drawing by portrait artist Mabel Luu @34st. com!

Mabel Luu

A guide to bars and nightclubs on or near Penn’s campus

452-472 N. 9th Street • 215-908-2063 starlight-ballroom.com FREE PIZZA NIGHTS every Wednesday night from 9pm-2am. Industrial/house music night.

Venue available to book parties!

40th & Spruce • 215-382-1330 • copabanana.com/uni.php Copabanana is THE place to go for margaritas! Half price margaritas Mondays from noon to midnight. Happy Hour Mondays to Fridays from 5-7pm. Open late seven days a week! Philly’s award winning DJ Karaoke Joe is now at the Copabanana from 9:30 on Thursdays!

Stop in for Sunday brunch!

DAHLAK Like us on Facebook for upcoming events

4708 Baltimore Avenue • 215-726-6464 dahlakrestaurant.com Eritrean&Ethiopian restaurant and bar. A staple in the growing community of Baltimore Avenue and THEE venue of the avenue spreading free love and hot fun night after night. And everyone is welcome. We keep an atmosphere that’s diverse, but just right.

We now serve our divine Ethiopian-cultured food all night from 4pm-2am. We’ve even added a new late night menu of specialties affordable for anyone with 3 or 4 bucks on them. And our drinks are always cheap, like our $3 Hot Totties & $4 citywide combos.

• 267-687-1128 conmurphyspub.com

1700 Ben Franklin Parkway

Great Party Venue!

Book your next event here

Conveniently located in Center City, Con Murphy’s is the ideal venue in Philadelphia to host a party. We provide the perfect combination of food, drinks and exceptional service for all of life’s special events. We have a great bi-level space for parties both large and small, and everything in between. We offer a $35 Party Package which includes a 3 Hour Open Bar and 3 buffet options.

Let us take the stress out of event planning. Call or email today for more details: conmurphys@live.com.

3408 Sansom Street • 215-386-4600 Nestled on historical Sansom Street in University City, Philadelphia since 1986. We offer a vast array of draft beers. Our European draft beer system imported from County Cork, Ireland, gives us reason to boast that we pour the Best Pint in the City! Kitchen open to 1am daily with $5 late night menu Sunday-Thursday.

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

Getting There: Take the 40 bus down Spruce; get off at 6th & Pine.

Loud, dirty and utterly charming, this punk rock bar is covered in paint and overflowing with color. Tattoo–style graffiti, paintings of skulls and toys for fun at every table are everywhere you look, with even the walls and tables covered in art. A vintage green velvet sofa, bright green walls, vintage hanging lamps, vintage clocks, pool tables and many more quirky fixtures contribute to the aestheticism you might expect to find in a cool, tattooed mom’s apartment. Sit in a bumper car and admire the graffiti while enjoying a cheap drink at this quintessential South Street bar.

Check Out: The bumper cars.

THE FOLLOWING SECTION IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT

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19

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highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

Best Alternative Use for Flyers You Pick Up: a. Kindling b. Quilt c. Paper airplanes d. Home insulation

Best School Publication to Use as a Napkin: a. Punch Bowl b. The WALK Magazine c. The Daily Pennsylvanian d. 34th Street Magazine

Best way to get around campus: a. Driving a diesel engine truck b. Stolen Penn facilities cart c. On the shoulders of a football player d. Camel

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Best place to feel superior: a. Drexel b. Mr. and Mrs. Penn Competition c. Walnut Hill Restaurant College d. Hallway outside of a Writing Seminar you’re not in

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34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

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Any delivery charge is not a tip paid to your driver. Our drivers carry less than $20. You must ask for this limited time offer. Delivery Charges and Tax may apply. Prices, participation, delivery area and charges may vary. Returned checks, along with the state’s maximum allowable returned check fee, may be electronically presented to your bank. ©2013 Domino’s IP Holder LLC. Domino’s®, Domino’s Pizza® and the modular logo are registered trademarks of Domino’s IP Holder LLC.

20

| 4438 Chestnut St.

DM1414

a. Lobby of Huntsman Hall b. Coach section of airplane on way to spring break destination c. On hold for Campus Apartments maintenance d. Chin–up competition against Penn water polo

Best Penn Acronym: a. DFMO: Dance Floor Make Out b. SMAC: Singers, Musicians, and Comedians c. DRL: David Rittenhouse Laboratories d. ITAG: I’ve Touched Amy Gutmann.

Best place to vomit: a. The Bridge Cafe b. 40th Street SEPTA Station c. Onto a squirrel d. The recycling can, not the trash can, on Locust

Best view on campus: a. Rodin Rooftop Lounge b. The tree outside of Lowbrow editor’s house (we’re sexy ;) ) c. 38th Street Bridge d. Atop the Dueling Tampons

best place to contract an STD: You thought we would put SDT didn’t you? Shame on you. That’s a cheap joke.

Best place to wake up with no pants on:

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

Best place to feel inferior:

a. Bushes outside Hunstman Hall b. Urban Outfitters (Buy new pants!) c. Next to Bui’s d. Empty lot where Philly Diner used to be

Best place to hallucinate: a. Biopond b. DRL c. Penn Park d. Spring Fling concert floor

Make your dollar go the extra mile at...

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Best Place to Destroy Your Counter–Culture Street Cred: a. Computer Connection b. Waiting area of Amy Gutmann's office c. Track practice d. Beta pledge event

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Shoes 214 Books S. 45th Clothing St. Furniture (Between Locust & Walnut) Appliances Mon. - Sat. Computers 10 AM - 8 PM Household Items .............and more! www.TheSecond Want to Donate?

Call for pick-up: 215-662-1663

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

THRCOND M IFT ILE CEN STO TER RE SE

MileCenter.com 21

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

Best place to ride your Segway: Don’t.

Best sign to look at if you want to vomit:

Best Joke of the Year: a. Mask and Wig’s spring show final number, “Jessica.” b. Classless TV’s DTF Bid Day Promo c. Girl Talk headlining Fling d. Bloomers: Von Romney Family Singers

a. Tyga’s disgusting abusive lyrics printed up and posted around campus b. A picture of a dead dog being eaten by a zombie c. Sex Week’s fact posters: “The average man ejaculates 18 quarts of semen" d. A picture of a dead man being eaten by a zombie dog

Best Penn Pun a. Jewniversity of Pennsyl–gay–sia b. Penn Bark: Soon–to–be–opened Penn Park for Dogs c. Amy Gut’s–tan: A comment on Amy Guttman’s gorgeous tan complexion d. Dean of Admissions, Eric Furby: Dean Furda looks like a furby

Best place to fly a kite: a. The high rise wind tunnel b. Penn Park c. Walnut Street d. Out the window of your Hill dorm room

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Yo, Class of 2013—hate to break it to ya, but the cold hard truth is that you've only got about a month left before you're out of this joint forever. But before you collectively descend into a monthlong drunken stupor to avoid acknolwedging the fact that this is the last time that it's socially acceptable to drink this much day in and day out, let's take a look back at the past four years.

SENIORS

BY THE NUMBERS

4

126.9

DAYS OFF SCHOOL

INCHES OF SNOWFALL

25 12.2%

UPENN ALERTS

11 IVY LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIPS WON

TUITION INCREASE

Tuition has increased $4,768 since fall 2009, from $38,970 to $43,378

Shit opens, shit closes. It's the circle of life. But we've gotta say, even though it's exponentially more difficult to acquire liquor than it used to be [ed. note: FroGro wine kiosk, we will never stop loving you], dining and drinking options have really improved these past four years.

How did we ever live without Tap Saigon Cuisine House and Honest Tom's?

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

OPENED:

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Ramen Bar Harvest Seasonal Grill The Bridge Cafe Jolly's Dueling Piano Bar Doc Magrogan's Lil Pop Shop Han Dynasty Local 44 Bottle Shop The Crave Honest Tom's Taco Shop Sweetgreen TBowl Biba Baby Blues BBQ City Tap House Bobby's Burger Palace Drinker's West Sang Kee

CLOSED:

Ajia MexiCali Cafe Clave Won Oriental TBowl Au Bon Pain MidAtlantic Liquor store at 41st & Market Philly Diner FroGro wine kiosk Cream and Sugar Marathon Taglio La Terrasse Bubble House

3

FREAK STORMS Hurricane Sandy October 26–30, 2012 Hurricane Irene August 26–28, 2011 "Snowpocalypse" February 10–12, 2010

EMAILS FROM JON YOUSHAEI

104 3

TIMES 3716 SPRUCE ST. HAS CHANGED CONCEPTS

From overpriced pizza to overpriced Asian food, it took the owner a few tries to finally realize that all Penn students want is overpriced salads. Here's hoping the Gia Pronto expansion can finally end the curse of 3716 Spruce.

FACEBOOK PAGES CREATED TO LET YOU ANONYMOUSLY AIR YOUR BULLSHIT

7+

Penn Compliments was cute for like two minutes. Penn Insults/Admirers/Secrets/etc. were never cute. Everyone just stop.

2

CHANGES WE WISH WOULD HAVE HAPPENED, LIKE, 4 YEARS AGO

Just as you're about to leave, Pennsylvania finally decides to modernize. With SEPTA transitioning to a token–free "smart card" system and the government strongly considering privatizing the state-run liquor market, Penn students' lives will become a lot easier in the coming years.

south moon under

PHILADELPHIA SOUTHMOONUNDER.COM

34TH STREET Magazine April 4, 2013

WAYNE

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