March 14, 2013

March 14, 2013 34st.com

march 14

8

2013

3/19 HIGHBROW round up, dispatch, the meh list: spring break edition, texts from spring break

SB expectation v. reality

4 EGO

14

ego of the week, people you meet after spring break

6 MUSIC

fantasy fling lineups, reviews

8 FILM

SB expectation v. reality, reviews

architectural gems

10 FEATURE

DREAM

FROMtheEDITOR

When I was younger, my mom and our babysitter Ana took turns driving us to and from school. We called her Anabanana. I knew she had come here from Brazil with her husband and two–year–old son.

Over winter break, I ran into Ana’s family at a Patriots game (her son Marco and his father are big fans and wore jerseys). “We keep trying to speak to him in Portuguese, but he only responds in English,” Ana told me, laughing. Marco smirked.

Ten years later, Marco is taller than his mother. He’s in seventh grade in a public middle school his parents are proud of, just like they’re proud of the small suburban house they own nearby. Two summers ago, Ana sent Marco to Brazil to visit her mother. He liked meeting his cousins and going to soc-

cer camp with them, but he turned down Ana’s offer to visit again.

Ana didn’t seem to mind.

Here are two things Marco may or may not know: 1) the validity of his parents’ green cards is in question and 2) he is just old enough to qualify as a beneficiary of the DREAM Act—if it’s enacted federally, that is (Massachusetts has a version).

My understanding of the legislation is not exhaustive, but my memories of pre–teenagerdom are.

It was shitty. Simple Plan had a song for it — they called it a nightmare. Looking back, I might not take it that far. But then again, I got to stay in school.

20

DREAM on

12 FOOD

GBM pizza taste test, penn food by the numbers

14 ARTS

architectural gems of philadelphia, spring sculptures, new ICA exhibit

17 LOWBROW

diy locust walk

12

gradjoeation

will there be a pot of gold, leprechauns, joe biden?

gradjoeation

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

20 BACKPAGE

2

only one way to find out.

make your own locust walk

WRITERS' MEETING 4015 WALNUT 6:30 P.M.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Nina Wolpow, Editor–In–Chief Sam Brodey, Managing Editor Alex Hosenball, Online Managing Editor Chloe Bower, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Olivia Fingerhood, Asst. Design Margot Halpern, Asst. Design Zacchiaus McKee, Highbrow Julia Liebergall, Highbrow Sophia Fischler-Gottfried, Ego Ben Lerner, Ego Isabel Oliveres, Food & Drink

Abigail Koffler, Food & Drink Ariela Osuna, Music Michelle Ma, Music Alexandra Jaffe, Film Faryn Pearl, Film Patrick Ford-Matz, Features Kiley Bense, Features Madeleine Wattenbarger, Arts Gina DeCagna, Arts Lizzie Sivitz, Lowbrow Zach Tomasovic, Lowbrow Frida Garza, Back Page Zeke Sexauer, Back Page Lauren Greenberg, Social Media

Allie Bienenstock, Print Copy Ryan Zahalka, Print Copy Marley Coyne, Online Copy Michael Shostek, Online Copy

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Nina Wolpow, Editor–in–Chief, at wolpow@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898– 6585. To place an ad, call (215) 898–6581.

Cover Design: Chloe Bower

VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com

Contributors: Rosa Escandon, Rachel Zurier, Suzette Wanninkhof, Jillian DiFilippo, Jack Nessman, Gabe Morales, Cassandra Kyriazis, Sabrina Garcia, Ben Behrend, Gabby Abramowitz, Marie Nikolova, Anjali Tsui

"Chloe come Nair my back" ©2013 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a–okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

4:29 pm: JetBlue pilot announces our descent into JFK. He advises us to buckle up tightly because, due to the approaching nor’easter, it might get a little bumpy.

4:31 pm: Flight anxiety, which is already at a level 7, increases to level 8. I’ve never been a good flyer. Knuckles turn white as I clutch my armrests.

4:32 pm: Bumps begin. Flight anxiety moves to level 9. This is it. I will be dead at age 19 and all they will find inside of me is tequila and the Wendy’s french fries I scarfed down before the

flight. Shame sets in.

4:35 pm: Plane lurches sideways. Flight attendant collecting my trash stumbles, a look of fear on her face. Flight anxiety reaches level 10. No one will even get to see my tan at this rate. Life is cruel.

4:36 pm: Plane lurches again.

Flight anxiety is off the charts.

Suddenly struck by the realization that I may pee my pants.

4:37 pm: Woman sitting next to me, noticing my distress, grabs my left hand and assures me that everything will be ok.

Introduces herself as Cynthia from Yonkers. Mentally assign Cynthia the role of nurse in our LOST–esque survival group should the plane go down and strand us on a mysterious island.

4:40 pm: In an effort to take my mind off my impending death, Cynthia makes small talk. Learn that Cynthia has two children: a daughter getting married in September whom she adores, and a son who is “a worthless shit–for–brains.”

4:41 pm: Cynthia asks where I go to school. Reply “Penn.” She

says, “Oh, Penn State.”

4:56 pm: With the spirit of Captain Sully guiding him, our pilot successfully lands our Little–JetBlue–That–Could onto the JFK runway. Applause breaks out. Cynthia announces that she can’t wait to have a cigarette.

4:59 pm: A loud crash sounds as our plane taxis the runway.

Turns out the plane’s left wing accidentally hit a truck. We will have to disembark here. In the middle of the runway. In a nor’easter. Oh.

5:11 pm: Pilot orders us to exit through the back door, causing the extra–legroom proletariat of the front five rows to grumble loudly. The 99% prevail!

5:13 pm: Disembark onto freezing cold runway of JFK. Windier than the Wind Tunnel during Hurricane Sandy.

Shoved into bus with fellow flight survivors. Do not even want to know what my hair looks like right now.

5:16 pm: Arrive at terminal.

Untangle myself from bus inhabitants and run for Immigration. God Bless the USA.

Missing break already? Turn to page 19 for results from Highbrow's "Texts From Last Night: Spring Break Edition" contest.

THE

Senses tingle. Or maybe we're still buzzed. Yeah, definitely still buzzed.

One more international tidbit before we head back home. A group of former Nipple dwellers showed how close they were by doing a spring break trip together… that is, until they decided to leave behind one of their own. Highbrow hears that one girl left her passport and student visa back in Rodin, preventing her from leaving the DR with her beloved freshman hall. We're confused as to how she got there in the first place. Thankfully, the Nipples banded together to get their exiled comrade her papers and bring her safely home. Take that, Ben Affleck. Argofuckyourself.

Now for some homeland gossip. Two junior girls spent their break in Las Vegas, strutting their stuff at the blackjack table AND the dance floor. After meeting up with two older gentlemen, one girl was given the Ryan Gosling treatment and lifted into her man's arms. Little did he know that Aunt Flow was paying a visit, and the girl had neglected panties that night. The high roller woke up the next morning and found a mysterious red stain on his $160 shirt, which he attributed to make–up. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except for your menstrual cycle.

And for those of you who spent your breaks right here at Penn, never fear! We didn't get forget about you, or your antics at Smoke's this past weekend. Aside from an invasion of middle–aged mothers cougar–ing on young Quakers, a massive brawl broke out between drunken passengers of the Erin Express. Bouncers ignored the situation, perhaps because they were enjoying the attention of the drunk moms. It wasn't until one St. A's bro intervened that the fight came to an end. No, we're being serious right now.

ROUND

UP

THE MEH LIST Highbrow picks the meh–est parts of SB13. Not good. Not bad. Just meh.

1. Reruns of South Park on Netflix 2. Amtrak hot dogs 3. New Jersey 4. The UA shuttle to the airport 5. Spending your own money (no bursar) 6. Domestic air travel 7. Drinking one beer with your dad 8. Passport pictures 9. All–inclusive resorts 10. Señor Frogs

2.

5.

6.

8.

10.

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

HAY GURL! Wasn't SB'13 like, ah–wait for it– MAZING? My tan like totally faded since I left PC/PV/ Jamaica/New Jersey, but the memories will last forever.

Except for all those times I was blackout. I took like FOUR shots. Anyway, how was your trip? Did you get with anyo– OH. MY. EFFING. GEE. Have you heard what happened? Wait, let me tell you…

The Theos Villa Party in PV was pretty uneventful this year. JOKES. Not ones to be outdone, the boys made sure their day party rose above those of their fellow PV McMansions. While partygoers were treated like Mexican royalty, their poor feet received plebeian treatment. First came the sea urchins, afflicting some tootsies with painful venom. Then came the glass shards at the bottom of the pool, sending one poor Theta to el hospital. Speaking ^ of glass shards, one APES bro was so blackout that he broke through one of the villa's glass doors.

The crowd took offense to this and booed the gorilla out of the fiesta, after which he wandered aimlessly through Mexico. The boy was safely returned to his brethren by concerned Kappas from Michigan, who recognized him from the APES PV tanks. Where can we get one?

APES shenanigans continued in PC, when the brothers headed out with SDT and TriDelt for a night on the town! After encountering the gender–neutral bathroom and lack of females, the boys knew something was awry.

It wasn't until the rubber–clad male dancers came out that the group realized they had accidentally wandered into a gay bar. Cue Rihanna. Na na na come on!

But that's not all the action the DR saw last week.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman made an appearance at a popular club, descending from the ceiling at random points and shooting webs at random patrons. Just thinking about it now makes our Spidey

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

DISPATCH: WE HIT TURBULENCE

3

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

EGOOF THE WEEK ALLIE FUCHS

Street: Why did you get involved with Programs in Religion, Interfaith and Spirituality Matters (PRISM)?

Allie Fuchs: When I came to Penn, I had the same dream as all girls: to meet a nice Jewish boy with earning potential.

But as a non–Jew, it was hard.

I decided to take the interfaith route to meet someone… and I was successful.

Street: Wait, actually to meet an NJB (Nice Jewish Boy, duh)?

AF: No! Before PRISM, I was chair of the interfaith community service group CHORDS, which I like to say means Christians, Hindus and Other Religions Doing Service. It really doesn’t stand for anything, but it’s a nice acronym.

Street: What’s been the best part about being involved with interfaith student groups?

AF: Since I went to an Episcopalian high school, I saw it as a really good way to meet diverse people who I might not

This former PRISM co-chair and Bill Clinton enthusiast is in Sphinx, majoring in Urban Studies and teaching for America in N’awlins next year. Oh, and she may be the first Penn student to take a class with her grandma.

interact with otherwise. We had really important, honest conversations—it surprised me how really close friendships could form between different groups through interfaith discussion.

Street: You had a special role in the Clinton rally in November. Tell us about that.

AF: My boyfriend Andrew was introducing Bill, but he was on crutches, so I held them on–stage while he spoke.

And then I got to talk to Bill for almost a whole minute— which was my life goal.

Street: Wow! What did you talk about?

AF: I told him that we had the same birthday and, in his classic Clinton way, he responded, “It looks better on you, dear.” Then he gave me a hug. I think it only goes downhill from there. It could only go up if Hillary ran and I got to sit at their table at the Inaugural Ball and he said I had a nice dress.

Street: How do you feel about graduating in May? AF: I don’t want to leave Penn, but I’m really excited to go to New Orleans, where I’ll be teaching next year through Teach for America. I can’t wait to get in the classroom. I eventually want to teach high school or middle school math.

Street: For real?

AF: Oh yeah, I’ve taken math and science classes at Penn that weren’t even fulfilling requirements.

Street: Very Ms. Norbury of you. Would you coach the Mathletes?

AF: Totally. I’m so awkward, so they would have someone to relate to! Plus, I was on the physics team in high school.

Street: Who’s your alter ego?

AF: Probably my ex–co– chair Sean [Nadel]. We were complete opposites, so I think we made a great team. I would stress and he would calm me down. I was Mr. Hyde and he was Dr. Jekyll, I think.

Street: So we have to talk about your grandmother, who goes here.

That has to be a first.

AF: Yep, Granny May is taking a class on race in America! With a large number of my friends in Phi Psi. She tells them a lot of stories about me and almost half of them are true.

She and her friend basically decided they weren’t finished learning.

Street: Please tell us you've taken a class with Granny May. AF: Oh yeah, I took a class with her last year and she would call my mom to tell her if I had participated in class! I missed it once

and got a call from everyone in my family freaking out if I was okay. She was Class of ‘53 at Penn, so my first reunion will be her 60th.

Street: There are two types of people at Penn…

AF: Those who went to Won's and those who go to Beijing.

Unfortunately, Won’s is now closed. Now, it’s more those who mourn and those who don’t.

I guess Won’s did what it always did and brought people together…

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34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

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In the weeks following our all–too–short Spring Break, Locust will be filled with quintessential characters. Ego identifies these SB stereotypes and shows you how to handle the whining, bragging and preaching.

BY BEN LERNER AND SOPHIA FISCHLER–GOTTFRIED

1

The Still Drunk:

You’re not in Cancun/Punta Cana/ Insert Tropical Destination anymore, so it’s time to move into the hangover phase.

GYST.

Identifying Characteristics: Bro Tank exposing tan lines, over–the–top sunburn, reminiscing about very recent memories, summer apparel (sunglasses and iced coffee included)

How to Deal: Ignore stories.

Offer outerwear and/or Advil.

Their wild anecdotes will fade with their tans!

Aww, she definitely exchanged words with no one that wasn’t feline this break.

Identifying Characteristics: Talking to you in baby voice, continuous muploading of cat selfies, well–rested look

3

The Faker:

Your spray tan isn’t fooling anyone, but A for effort!

Classic Quote: “Meow.”

Identifying Characteristics: Snooki–ish exterior, vague details of tropical trip, lack of uploaded photos, too much knowledge of television and current events

How to Deal: Indulge over–sharing of iPhone pics of pets and slowly walk away.

Classic Quote: “The Philadelphia sun just can’t compare to… where I was.”

How to Deal: Call them out… or at least ask for photographic evidence.

4

The Globetrotter:

Sure, the Caribbean is cliché, but was it worth it to jet off to India, Israel or Iceland for under a week?

5

The ASB–er:

Your service trip put ours to shame… all we did was worry about our cell service.

Identifying Characteristics: Amazing, cultural, high– quality photographs, severe jet lag, newfound attitude of worldly appreciation

Identifying Characteristics: New friends attached at the hip, enhanced do–gooder attitude, t–shirt announcing your charitable spirit

Classic Quote: “The Western way of life is suffocating, bro.”

Classic Quote: “Can’t! I have a BYO with my ASB group this Friday.”

How to Deal: Admire their pics and vow to go there someday—for more than a week.

How to Deal: As they talk about how fun helping the world is, vow to be a better person and do something… at some point.

BONUS: The Productive Student:

You did work and cover letters all break while we procrastinated and didn’t even crack a book. We hate you.

are you any of these people? it's cool. we don't judge. (only a little)

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

Classic Quote: “OMG remember that time I spilled a margarita on you, LOL I forgot what sobriety is like!”

2

The Cat Lady:

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

POST-SPRING BREAK PENN: A GUIDE TO THE USUAL SUSPECTS AND HOW TO DEAL

writers meeting 6:30 2night 5

David Bowie— “The Next Day”

Kate Nash—“Girl Talk”

BY GABBY ABRAMOWITZ

BY ALEX HOSENBALL

David Bowie’s “The Next Day” has proven problematic to discuss. With so much esteem for the album floating around already, the words do not come easily. “The Next Day” is something of a culmination, both literal and figurative proof that the Thin White Duke may have aged, but he hasn’t lost any of his rock, soul or morphological mysticism. Rather, Bowie’s age factors into the album as he allows himself a higher vantage point—one overlooking his career, his relationships and his existence. Though each track may not immediately flow into the next, they all offer a window into Bowie’s varying stylistic prowess, jumping in flavor from the hyper–kinetic, titular song to the lurching “Dirty Boys,” before closing on the morose, pondering “Heat.” Perhaps “The Next Day” may be disjointed between tracks, but its overall thematic cohesion overcomes the melodic disparity, resulting in an extremely important album that may, bittersweetly, be the last Bowie we can bow before.

Still snarky and standing up for girl power, British singer–songwriter Kate Nash is back with a much more aggressive attitude. The trademark cutesy piano has been turned in for a ‘90s– punk–rock bass and Nash’s new album is fueled by a rebellious take on her usual feminist message. With catchy tracks like “OHMYGOD,” “Girl Talk” includes a few classically quirky hits that staunch fans will have stuck in their heads for days. The majority of the album, though, is uncharacteristically rockabilly, and many songs like “Sister” are emotionally wrought and vocally guttural. The album has many great tracks, for sure, but one wonders whether Nash’s decision to drop the sprightly style and lyrical quips a lá “Merry Happy” was a mature change of pace or just disappointing.

Grade: B Sounds best when: Someone has called you a bitch one too many times 99–cent download: “3 AM”

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

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BY GABE MORALES

Youth Lagoon’s sophomore album is a bold venture into a mind–melting, out–of–this–world atmosphere. While Youth Lagoon’s debut, "The Year of Hibernation," had mild psychedelic undertones, the darkness in "Wondrous Bughouse" seems to be fashioned out of a fascination with mysteries of the mind. With guitars bending, synthesizers abounding and drums dallying, the album succeeds in mimicking a mind that never turns off. With the circus sounds of “Attic Doctor” and “Sleep Paralysis” and the innocent vocals of the album’s first single, “Dropla,” Youth Lagoon’s simple melodies and poignant lyrics evoke Animal Collective’s sophisticated pop. Although the psychedelic atmosphere of the album is sometimes overwhelming, "Bughouse" confidently explores matters of the mind for better or for worse.

Grade: A Sounds best when: Contemplating your achievements (or lack thereof ) 99–cent download: "Where Are We Now"

6

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FANTASY SPRING FLING LINEUPS With Spring Fling just around the corner, musings and daydreams on the mystery lineup abound. Here are our picks. SPEC, are you listening?

BY CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS

Stoner Fling: Sigur Ros & Of Monsters and Men This is pretty self–explanatory. Both of these bands are great but might not be dance–y enough to experience if not under the influence of some bud.

Latin Fire Fling: Pitbull & Shakira Not to say that either of these artists is a serious representation of Latin music, but we needed a pithy title. Also, this would be A+ dancing music.

Drunk Biddies Fling: Avicii & Sammy Adams Because "Levels" and "Boston’s Boy" are for drunk biddies to dance to.

Angry Fling: Azealia Banks & the Dropkick Murphys These opposite–of–the–spectrum musical acts have one thing in common: angry and awesome music. Honestly though, we don’t know if the Dropkick Murphys can handle the Queen of the 212’s ferocity.

Shake It Fling: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis & Outkast The number one thing anybody wants to do when "Thrift Shop" and "Hey Ya" come on is DANCE. And as Macklemore tells us: in order to have the best dance party in the world, all you have to do is dance.

An Illuminated Fling: The Lumineers & the Tupac Hologram The foot–stomping anthems of the Lumineers combined with one of the greatest rapper holograms of all time would make for a Fling to remember.

Shameless Fling: Blink 182 & Ke$ha Don’t even try acting like all of you don’t know all the words.

Indie Fling: Atlas Genius & Phoenix Up–and–comers Atlas Genius are a perfect complement to indie heavyweight Phoenix (who is coming out with a new album that they would probably play for us!!!).

JUST KIDDING. Hang your head if any part of you lit up at this.

Actual Best Fling Ever: Beyoncé & Kanye West Queen Bey and Blue Ivy’s godfather would be perfect and that’s the truth.

Throwback Fling: ABBA & Destiny’s Child Is it cheating if we have Beyoncé on this list twice? No, it’s not. The world is ready for a Bootylicious Dancing Queen.

This Writer’s Fling: Childish Gambino & The Black Keys I don’t know what the name of this line up would be, but I would be over the moon if SPEC brought us these guys.

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

Best Fling Ever: Nickelback & Creed!

7

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER

BY MARIE NIKOLOVA

SPRING BREAK EXPECTATIONS VERSUS REALITY According to the movies, your spring break should be filled with adventure, romance, and a ton of fun in the sun. Movies lie.

BY FARYN PEARL

EXPECTATION: Your spring break will be just like Kelly Clarkson’s and that jewfro guy’s in “From Justin to Kelly” (2003)—romantic, musical, and sharp cheddar cheesey.

REALITY: Wait, how much does that plane ticket cost? And your parents need you to watch your teenage sister while they renew their wedding vows in Dededo, Guam? Might as well call you Anne Hathaway, ‘cause you’re “Les Miserables” (2012).

EXPECTATION: You’ll fly down to an expensive From the director of “The Usual Suspects” comes “Jack the Giant Slayer," a mediocre re–imagining of the classic folktale. Nicholas Hoult of “Skins” fame plays the courageous farmhand, who, after opening a portal between our world and the land of giants above, helps rescue the princess (Eleanor Tomlinson) trapped above. Hoult is joined by a knightly Ewan McGregor and a slimy and nefariously– intentioned Stanley Tucci.

It's hard not to be drawn in by the remarkably intense special effects—especially the

Grade: B Metacritic: 51% Rating and run time: PG-13, 114 min.

See if you liked: "Stardust" gruesome computer–animated giants. The problem with “Jack and the Giant Slayer” may be the lack of a target audience; it’s a bit too scary for little kids, yet not clever enough for adults. Despite a predicable plot line, the vivid graphics and likable actors make this film entertaining.

tropical resort, fall in love with two total hotties, “overcome everything and understand the true meaning of sisterhood, along with having a great vacation.” Okay, we stole that last part from the “Holiday in the Sun” (2001) Wikipedia page.

REALITY: Let’s be honest: you’re spending your break lying on your bed on your stomach, watching baby videos while simultaneously playing a game of Bubble Pop in another window.

The most taxing thing you’ll do is watch “The Challenge” (2003), which everyone knows is the worst Mary-Kate and Ashley Movie.

EXPECTATION: You’ll enter a talent show and because you’re either Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, or Parker Posey in “Spring Breakdown,” you’ll inevitably be the coolest thing ever.

REALITY: There are no winners in talent show performances. Your borrowed Zumba moves are more “Napoleon Dynamite” (2004) than “Dirty Dancing” (1987).

EXPECTATION: Like in “Where the Boys Are,” (1960) you’ll discover that the most important person to love, no matter what others say or do, is you. Your body is a temple!

REALITY: Your body’s more like Morgan Spurlock’s McDonald’s experiment gone wrong in “Supersize Me” (2004). Those cruise buffets were not kind.

SNITCH

BY JACK NESSMAN

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

“Snitch” is a satisfying and surprisingly thoughtful action thriller. When his son is framed for selling drugs, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson goes undercover for the government to reduce his sentence. The film plays its emotional cards too quickly, though, sprinting through an obligatory arc of daddy issues within the first thirty minutes. Johnson doesn’t have the acting chops to pull off the dramatic. Luckily, the film picks up the pace once the action starts, achieving a near–perfect rhythm of sus8 pense and action. The twists

Grade: B+ Metacritic: 52% Rating and run time: PG-13, 112 min.

See if you liked: "Taken" and turns that drive the film are gripping, even if they’re not entirely plausible. Beneath the hood of this action thriller is an unexpected social consciousness—a commentary on the government’s misguided war on drugs, the young people whose futures are its casualties and the fathers who will do anything to protect them.

EXPECTATION: Even though you have a major case of helicopter–parentitus, that still won’t stop you from finding true love. Bonus points if that true love is Elvis Presley, ala “Girl Happy” (1965).

REALITY: Unfortunately, you got stuck with the old, fat Elvis. Count your blessings—you could have met eyes with Marlon Brando circa “Apocalypse Now” (1979). The horror! The horror!

EXPECTATION: Not only will you hang out on the beach in your NotSafe-for-Disney-Channel bikini, you'll work for one of the most feared drug dealers in Miami. The girls in "Spring Breakers" (2013) will wish they were you.

REALITY: Your crimes are more akin to the DIY toy traps in “Home Alone” (1990) than dealing heroin.

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“Why are all these people getting off here?” Emmanuel asks as the Market–Frankford Line stops at 15th Street Station. It’s a little after 8 a.m. and the train is emptying a pack of suited commuters from West Philadelphia.

I tell him that this is the station for the Center City Business District. Emmanuel nods sleepily as the train doors beep closed and we jolt toward Frankford Transportation Center.

College junior Emmanuel Cordova hasn’t explored much of Philadelphia’s downtown since he transferred from the University of Illinois at Chicago in August. The 20–year– old spends his days shuttling between his dorm on 36th and Chestnut streets and his pre– med classes at Leidy Labs.

Emmanuel clutches a 24 oz coffee from Wawa. This was a necessary purchase since he was up working late and only got four hours of sleep last night.

At Frankford Transportation Center, we wait for the 50 Bus that will take us to the United

States Customs and Immigration Services Office in Northeast Philadelphia, where Emmanuel will be getting fingerprinted and photographed.

Emmanuel is an undocumented student, one of a handful at Penn today. He has lived in the United States since he was four years old, but he doesn’t have a Social Security Number or a driver’s license. Emmanuel has also never held a legal job— but all of that may change after today.

On June 15, President Obama introduced the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program. According to the latest figures from the Department of Homeland Security, 423,634 undocumented students like Emmanuel have filed for temporary work permits and the chance to be protected from deportation for two years.

Emmanuel waited months to file for Deferred Action—mostly because he didn’t have $465 to spare for the application and another $300 to pay an immigration attorney to walk him through the process.

E m manuel was arrested once b e fore,

in front of his girlfriend’s house in Chicago. This made hiring a lawyer necessary expense, in case any complications arise in the application process. The incident happened in August before his freshman year of college. His girlfriend needed a ride to her summer job at Dairy Queen.

He volunteered even though he didn’t have a license, hoping to preserve a sense of normalcy in their newly minted relationship.

He was going 8 miles over the speed limit when a cop stopped him and found him without insurance or a driver's license.

To afford a lawyer, Emmanuel switched to the cheapest dining plan at Penn. He feels privileged to have such a relatively easy source of money but also worried that his meal plan might run out in the middle of finals, like it did last semester. Hopefully, by then, Emmanuel’s application for Deferred Action will have been approved, opening doors to a barista job or a research assistant position at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania.

The biometric data appointment today will kickstart a background check to determine whether Emmanuel is eligible for Deferred Action.

It’s snowing outside but Emmanuel keeps his Chicago Redhawks jacket unzipped. The ends of his jeans start to soak up the slush as he paces by the bus stop, trying to look up the route on his phone.

At 8:51 a.m., the bus finally arrives. We sit across from a white man with a broken arm.

He has the name “Kathy” tattooed on the right side of his

neck. We pass by snow–dusted graveyards and a empty Lukoil station. Somewhere on the highway, Emmanuel tells me about his plan to get a green card before going to medical school.

“It’ll probably be faster if I get married,” he says, casually. “It only takes six months.”

It’s the first time that I’ve ever heard a 20–year–old boy bring up the topic of marriage. But getting hitched to his 21–year– old girlfriend Aneta is a big part of Emmanuel’s plan after college. When compared to other Penn students’ dreams, it’s the metaphorical equivalent of landing an analyst position at Goldman Sachs or a Teach for America post in Hawaii. It’s one way to improve the chances he’ll remain in this country for good.

Most undocumented immigrants who arrived as children cannot obtain a green card by marrying a U.S. citizen, but Emmanuel’s uncle petitioned for him to be able to do so before the law changed in 2001.

Aneta Gil is a junior at the University of Illinois at Chicago majoring in Public Health. She has doubts about getting married at a young age and is especially concerned about how her parents, who emigrated from Poland, will react if she decides to marry Emmanuel without first having a career.

“Maybe things will change with our political [climate] or the government, but I’m definitely willing to help him out,” Aneta said. “I’m there for him, we’ve been developing great together and we still are so we’ll see what happens.”

“Worse comes to worst, we’ll get married so he can move on with his education if he wants to

be a doctor because you do need your papers for that,” she adds.

At the USCIS Office, the receptionist examines Emmanuel’s Mexican passport and gives him a clipboard with a worksheet to fill out. Emmanuel circles the option for green eyes and brown hair, and then fills out his height (5 ft. 7 in.) and weight (160 lbs).

In the waiting room, a suited white man in black suede boots sits patiently with his copy of “The Rules of Love.” Behind him are an elderly Indian couple. She wears a pink sari with a black fleece jacket while he sits in a brown suit and a blue beanie. Most of these aspiring Americans wait quietly.

Some strain their necks to follow the soap opera playing on mounted plasma screens.

A stiff American flag hangs by the receptionist’s desk and the blue walls are adorned with patriotic posters. An image of the statue of liberty is plastered with the slogan: “Celebrate Citizenship. Celebrate America.” In the corner of the room, a banner displays USCIS’s slogan: “Respect. Integrity. Ingenuity.”

It was arguably his mother’s ingenuity that brought 4–year– old Emmanuel here in the first place. She found an American couple that agreed to smuggle her across the border in their car. After transporting her to the United States, the couple returned to collect Emmanuel and his younger brother.

“I just remember they told us to stay quiet—not to talk

at all—and to pretend that we were sleeping,” Emmanuel says.

But he didn’t quite follow the instructions: “I opened my eyes and I saw the immigration lady but she didn’t say anything, she just let us through.”

The opportunity to leave Mexico for the United States appealed desperately to Emmanuel’s mother, who had been abused by Emmanuel’s father, an alcoholic. After crossing the border, Emmanuel’s mother moved the two brothers to Illinois. They lived with relatives at first, but her inability to secure a job due to the language barrier forced them to move from house to house for three years.

“We would have problems with our cousins, the rent or complaints,” Emmanuel said.

“I wasn’t the best–behaved kid when I was younger and I think that contributed to that. We would be dependent on going to the shelters to get food … we couldn’t buy toys, we had to go through the garbage to get toys.”

Still, Emmanuel learned English rapidly from watching Barney. When he was seven, they settled in Chicago’s suburbs. Emmanuel grew up like most kids in his neighborhood: playing soccer and hockey throughout elementary school, video games in middle school “and then, um, partying in high school,” he recalls. “I was basically just a normal kid until college, that’s when I started embracing my identity and doing a lot of political activism.”

Emmanuel became more comfortable with sharing his undocumented status in high school, after he told his thencrush, Aneta. The pair got to know each other in a math class

during their sophomore.

“I would always get jealous of her because she would beat me at math,” he said. “She was actually the first person I told. Her reaction was positive and I guess that helped me assess. I think the first person you tell is really meaningful. She embraced me and she said not to worry, that she was there for me.”

Aneta recalls that she didn’t really understand what it was like to “not have papers.”

“It was hard to digest and know all of the obstacles,” she says. “I just accepted him.”

Part of Aneta’s effort to accept Emmanuel’s situation involved driving him everywhere.

When the couple enrolled at the University of Illinois together, Aneta would drive five minutes to Emmanuel’s house every morning to pick him up and drive another 45 minutes to campus. She often stayed hours after her classes were over to ensure that he had a safe way to travel home.

Since undocumented students are not eligible for federal grants or loans, Emmanuel scrimped together money from relatives and a modest scholarship to attend UI. But the money ran out after one year and Emmanuel faced the possibility of dropping out. That’s when he found Penn.

Penn is one of a few of schools in the United States, like Harvard, Yale and Stanford, that admit undocumented students from Mexico and Canada on a needblind basis. The University

offers private aid for undocumented students through its endowment and tuition money, according to University Director of Financial Aid Joel Carstens.

“We’ll determine what your family can contribute and the total commitment for eight semesters or four years. That applies to all our students—documented or undocumented,” Carstens explained.

According to Penn President Amy Gutmann, this is because Penn is “absolutely committed to admitting the most talented, hardworking students that we can find, regardless of their citizenship.”

But for many undocumented students, applying to Penn is still a complex and nerve–wracking process. Penn Admissions' website, for example, doesn’t make the University's policies immediately obvious. The Financial Aid for International Students section of Penn’s website simply says, “This year, Penn has promised more than six million dollars in undergraduate aid funds to support non–citizens and non–permanent residents of the United States, Canada and Mexico.”

“Not a lot of people know about financial aid here.” Emmanuel explains. “You don’t even know, if you’re undocumented, if you can still apply within that application pool, so I

think that putting ‘including undocumented students’ [on Penn's website] would be a big help.”

Wharton junior Jose Gonzalez, the Executive Director of Penn for Immigrant Rights, is working with the Admissions Office to draft an FAQ sheet for undocumented students that will appear online.

Jose, who is also undocumented, says, “It was a mess for me applying here. It was a lot of guesswork on my part and trying to reach people at Penn for help.”

Like Emmanuel, Jose is still waiting for his Deferred Action application to go through. Having a work permit, he explains, would be hugely beneficial.

However, he’s mindful that the undocumented student movement in the U.S. is largely an elitist movement that leaves out around 10 million others undocumented immigrants who are ineligible for Deferred Action.

The receptionist calls Emmanuel’s name, inviting him to a counter in the enclosed section of the building, where he’ll get photographed and fingerprinted.

The whole procedure takes less than five minutes. On the way

out, a slightly overweight woman with bleached blonde hair and a silver puffer jacket makes eye contact with Emmanuel.

“Awful weather, huh.”

“Yeah,” he responds.

“Did you get your citizenship?” she asks.

The question sits with Emmanuel for a second before he explains: “No, I’m actually here for Deferred Action for undocumented immigrants.”

“Oh, so are you here for your citizenship?” she asks again, confused.

“No, I’m an illegal immigrant,” Emmanuel says. He doesn’t often resort to using this term, but there was no other way for him to explain his situation. “Obama passed an executive order this summer to allow undocumented immigrants to get a work permit.”

“So you’re getting a green card?

“No… well, it depends on whether the DREAM Act passes.”

“Oh, congratulations.”

Anjali Tsui is a senior from Hong Kong studying English. She is the former Opinion Editor for The Daily Pennsylvanian.

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

10

UI

BY ANJALI TS

11

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

BLIND TASTE TEST: FREE GBM PIZZA

The trek to Huntsman at 8 P.M. never seems worthwhile unless you’re rewarded with a slice or two of tepid, greasy pizza. Street set out to find which of these “free" pies reigns supreme in taste and quality!

By SUZETTE WANNINKHOF

Restaurant

Cheese

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“I recognized immediately that Although perfectly thin, it could use a few more minutes this pizza was Allegro’s, but it in the oven for a crispier finish. tasted worse than by the slice.

More greasy and less toasty.”

Rubbery in texture but plentiful in quantity.

Tangy and tasty, but not enough. Many bites had no sauce at all.

The cheese constantly falls off the pizza, as if eager to remove itself from the doughy crust and bland sauce.

Overly sweet and vaguely remi- Soft and doughy, unsuccessful “At first I was annoyed that the niscent of Commons'. at mastering either a New York cardboard lining kept sticking to the bottom, but soon I realor Chicago style. ized it at least gave the pizza more texture than it’d have otherwise…”

The only of the pizzas that had cheese that tasted, well, like cheese. Toasted and less greasy than the other two.

Since the sauce tastes great, the chefs seem all too eager to smother it. It’s well–seasoned, but too abundant.

(215)-382-8158 $11.45 for a large cheese pie

(215)-382-2199 $10.50 for a large cheese pie

Taster Comments

Crispiest crust, but pretty simi- “By simply keeping the pizza in the oven long enough and lar to baked frozen pizzas. using flavorful cheese, Powelton distinguished itself as the hands–down best choice.”

From pizza to pecan, today is all about pi(es) and numbers: whether you took MATH 103 or MATH 170, Pi Day is a holiday we can all enjoy!

HAPPY

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

ST. PATTY’S DAY

12

SUNDAY March 10 Parade Day Irish Food

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While the digits of Pi are endless, the food options around campus can seem pretty finite. Here’s a (nonexhaustive) breakdown of some parts of Penn's little food world.

Food trucks on Penn's Campus (btwn.

34th–40th and Chestnut–Spruce): 32 Healthy–ish food truck options: 4 Magic Carpet Chez Yasmine The fruit carts *ed note: the smoothies have sugar!

Pure Fare

price of small coffee around campus Starbucks: $1.60 Wawa: $1.17 Capogiro: $1.40* HubBub: $1.75 Metropolitan Bakery: $1.75 Lovers and Madmen: $1.75* Williams: $1.25** *add tax **just bursar it

Places that sell diet ginger ale: 3

Salad Reigns Supreme: 7 Sweetgreen Gia Pronto Saladworks Houston Hummus Greek Lady Fresh on the Walk

Beijing Sitar Saigon Tampopo Koreana Won Oriental

Restaurants with a full bar: 13 Han Dynasty Copa Doc Macgrogens White Dog Harvest Seasonal Grill and Wine Bar

Places that serve hot food after 10 pm (WaWa excluded): 4 Allegro Pizza Copa DP Dough Tap House

Chain Eateries: 13 Chipotle BBP Sweetgreen Qdoba McDonald's Cosi Ben & Jerry’s

craving more food by the numbers?

1 destination: 34st.com

City Tap House Mad4Mex Thai Singha Pattaya Distrito Sangkee Noodle House

Auntie Anne’s Dunkin' Donuts Kiwi Saladworks Taco Bell

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

7-11 Rodin Rise and Shine Cafe Wawa on 38th and Spruce Know more locations? email food@34st.com

Number of BYOs on/ near campus: 6

Good for dinner food trucks (open after 6 p.m.): 5 Gigi and Big R Le Anh Chinese Food Yue Kee Koja Kim's

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

PENN FOOD BY THE NUMBERS

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highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

ARCHITECTURAL GEMS OF PHILADELPHIA Penn students are coming back from their breaks with tank tops in their suitcases, meaning one thing: spring is coming. The sun is peeping out from the clouds and we’re all tired of going to Pottruck, so get some walking exercise and learn some Philly history by checking out these architectural gems.

BY BEN BEHREND

Elfreth’s Alley (Between Front & 2nd Streets and Race & Arch Streets) Ever wonder what the streets might have looked like back when Benjamin Franklin swaggered around Philly? Elfreth’s Alley, the nation's oldest residential street, is the place to check out. The alley has been home to over 3,000 individuals since its founding in 1702, including English colonists, founding members of Philly’s Jewish community and freed slaves. Be sure to visit the museum dedicated to this historic alley, located in the middle of the street. If you want more than just history, you'll also find a passageway which leads to a secluded, romantic courtyard—impress a date with yo' knowledge.

Anthropologie (1801 Walnut St.) Even if you don't shop at Anthropologie, you'll find this flagship store housed in a grand, 19th century former mansion impressive. It was commissioned to be built in 1898 by Sarah Drexel Fell (daughter of Anthony Drexel, founder of Drexel University—hissss), who later moved in to the Neoclassical–style mansion with her second husband, Alexander van Renssalaer. Even though the interior has been mostly deconstructed over the years, the exterior showcases remnants of the old house, including ornately decorated fireplaces and lavish windows. Be sure to check out the Romanesque mantle on the second floor staircase and the opulent stain glass skylight above the staircase.

Masonic Temple (1 N. Broad St.) Across from City Hall, this massive stone Norman–style temple dominates Broad Street with the presence of a royal castle. With the construction of 250–foot tall medieval towers, it took nearly twenty years to complete the interior and exterior of the temple. The interior of the temple depicts seven different ideal architectures which the Freemasonry thought displayed the best of human creativity. The most notable of these is the Egyptian room adorned in hieroglyphics that makes you wish you could be buried as a pharaoh.

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

Wanamaker Building (13th & Market Streets)

14

A throwback to the department store empires of the early– to mid–20th century, the Wanamaker Building was constructed by the retail magnate John Wanamaker in 1902. The closest most of us will ever get to living the life of a "Mad Men" era shopper, the building is a massive 12–floor complex designed in the Florentine Renaissance style with extravagant granite walls and a large Grand Court. Located in the Grand Court in the center of the store is the Wanamaker Organ, the largest operational organ in the world with over 28,000 individual pipes (imagine your little sister’s first recital there… perfect?). The organ is played three times a day for all those interested.

Merchants’ Exchange Building (3rd & Walnut Streets) For all those business types out there, the Merchants’ Exchange Building shares some cool Philly financial history. Built between 1832–1834, the Merchants’ Exchange is emblematic of the Greek Revival movement which swept the nation during this period. Reflecting a renewed focus on the ideals of Greek democracy and American republicanism, the building has classically based marble columns and stairways, with a lantern on the roof symbolizing the ever–lit hope for freedom. Over the years, the Merchants’ Exchange has held the Philadelphia Stock Exchange, a marine insurance company and a U.S. Postal office; now it is the Philly headquarters of the National Park Service.

BY SABRINA GARCIA pon entering "White Petals Surround Your Yellow Heart" at the Institute of Contemporary Art on campus, you’ll be greeted by Rip Cord Rex—a futuristic tribal figurine that ferociously glares at you with his gaping, bottomless sockets. Rip Cord—and his surrounding friends—comprise the late rapper/ artist RAMMELLZEE’S “Garbage Gods and Monsters Models.”

His brightly adorned villains are only a small part of the exhibit that aims to communicate the power of “adornment” in expressing our inner selves. Essentially, the show conveys the idea that “nature has endowed us with one skin too few.”

Take a good look at yourself in the mirror before walking into the ICA, because this show celebrates the Narcissus in each of us.

So, how do we choose to express our inner selves to society? The featured artists took this simple question and answered it with various forms of adornment. For example, one artist publicized gender politics by reproducing Lynda Bengli’s image on a t–shirt depicting a w o m a n with breasts and a fully erect penis.

The exhibit also conveys softer

U

messages such as a short story about a man and his memory–carrying saddle shoes. Additionally, there’s the three–minute “Vogue Paris Studio” film, which presents strong, fierce women whose limbs are digitally stretched into lanky contortions. Each model “titillates death and is already something different.” Glamour and macabre are mixed, quite deliberately.

Near the end of the exhibit, you’ll find an overly ornate mirror on the wall. While the outlandishness of some pieces may distract from the intellectual motive of the exhibit, this piece encapsulates it all. Although it could be deemed vain to stare at yourself in a mirror, this artist considered such vanity a healthy and necessary mode of self– identification.

Anthony Elms, the Associate Curator, hoped to reference throughout the exhibit how our age is one of constant self–evaluation. We do it constantly without thinking—often using photos and information through social media. This exhibit reminds us that how we choose to brand ourselves ultimately reflects our values.

Elms included an excerpt from Ovid’s "Metamorphoses" in the introduction to the

Henr y Stein berg

exhibit as a cautionary tale. Narcissus drowned by falling (literally) in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. His body was never found. What remained, instead, was “a flower with a circle of white petals round a yellow center.”

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

EMBRACING YOUR INNER NARCISSUS

NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS

“What I really love about this art form is that those errors and inconsistencies and typos, all those sort of incidental things give a sense of materiality to it. I think that’s where a lot of the art comes from.”

Check out an extended interview with letterpress artist Henry Steinberg online @34st.com.

Make your dollar go the extra mile at...

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Explore your creative talents, become engaged in Penn's film community and win great prizes!

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We are accepting submissions of films which will be screened in the College Houses over the course of four nights. Prizes range from $500 to $100 — not to mention the chance to screen your cinematic artwork in front of a large audience!

For complete rules for submission, please see the website below. The competition is open to all students of the University of Pennsylvania.

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

THR

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Submission deadline is Friday, March 18, 2013.

MileCenter.com 15

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

ARTS' GUIDE TO SCULPTING (YOUR SPRING BOD)

The human body has been celebrated throughout art history. As you get in shape for skimpier seasons, look to these artful hot–bods for some inspirational advice.

BY JILLIAN DI FILIPPO

1. Leonardo Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man Produced during the early renaissance when the Italians were still figuring out perspective and proportions, the Vitruvian Man highlights the perfect symmetry of the body. Although the original was drawn in 1490, it remains an icon of the Renaissance, and is even featured on the back of the Italian euro. Let Leonardo be an inspiration to not drop your weight early and do equal sets of reps on both sides.

4. Bernini’s David Unlike Michelangelo’s stoic and stationary masterpiece, Bernini’s David is a robust, vigorous athlete. Created more than a century after Michelangelo’s high renaissance version, this early 17th century mostly– nude marble sculpture is an icon of the peak of the baroque period in Italy. Bernini’s pivoting, energetic work of art invites us to admire David’s perfectly sculpted and muscular body from every angle.

5. Shiva Nataraja This 11th century copper alloy sculpture depicts the Hindu god Shiva dancing and encircled by a flaming halo. Shiva holds in his hands a drum and a fire, which convey his powers as both a creator and potential destroyer of the universe. His flaming halo symbolizes the Hindu belief in the circular, endless nature of time.

The purpose of his dance is to free men from the traps of illusion, allowing them to achieve salvation—a noble cause for sure.

2. Titian's Venus of Urbino A Venetian–style work painted by Titian in 1538, this was one of the first Renaissance paintings to showcase female sexuality as commonplace.

Titian depicts Venus—the ideal woman—with his signature soft blending of vibrant oil paints.

Venus’s blasé posture emanates cool confidence that is enviable when lounging publicly.

3. Hashiguchi Goyo Woman After Bath Of the thirteen prints Goyo carved in his lifetime, eight depicted demure, traditional, Japanese women in elegant poses like this one. Because of his refined technique and the few pieces he produced, Goyo’s colored woodblock prints were some of the most expensive and sought after in 20th century Japan.

They are done in the ukiyo style (which translates to “floating world” in English). Try wrapping yourself in a towel to emulate this graceful look.

6. Venus of Willendorf At only eleven centimeters tall, this miniature statue was discovered in 1908 in an archaeological excursion near Willendorf, Austria. It is estimated to be from 24,000 “Top-rated BYOB inhave Philly!”

BCE and many similar figurines been discovered -Citysearch since. The sculpture's voluptuous proportions have led some historians to consider it one of the first self–portraits: it mimics the body of a woman as seen looking down from above. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, so keep this bod in mind as you look down at yours.

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Here are Lowbrow's predictions for the top 10 Joe Biden commencement speech gaffes:

Vice President Joe Biden was recently selected to be this year's commencement speaker, and quite frankly, Lowbrow could not be more thrilled! Why do we love Joe Biden as this year's pick?

Well... because we love to laugh at Joe. Joe's been known to get himself into, erhm, trouble during speeches and we wouldn't expect anything less during this year's commencement.

1. "Congrats to the newest graduating class of Nittany Lions!"

doesn't even make any goddamn sense the other way. Forget it. It's a stupid phrase."

2. "When they told me I would be receiving an honorary doctorate, I said thank God, now I can write my own prescriptions."

6. "The founder of electricity was also the founder of this great university."

3. "That's the firmest shake I've had in a while..." – said to Amy Gutman after shaking hands at the podium.

4. "When I was sitting where you were, I never thought in hell there'd be a black president, and here we are.. .so I guess even the most unbelievable things are possible" 5. "If I can give you all any advice, it's to shoot for the stars and even if you miss you'll land on the... no that's not right... how the hell does that saying go? What's that? It

7. "It has been an honor to work as vice president to Barack Hussein Osama. Fuck! I mean Obama!”

8. "Oh shit I just said fuck... oh fuck I just said shit. Balls."

9. "That's a big button you got here on campus—and you know what they say about big buttons."

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GRADJOEATION 10. "I'm not quite sure why the University asked me to be here today, but hell, we'll go with it."

CHANCES THAT JOE BIDEN WILL: Double fist cotton candy during his speech: 5%

Endorse or openly plug a type of tooth paste: 95%

Describe how zippers work: 1%

Prank call John Boehner during the speech: 60%

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

Attempt the Harlem Graphically describe the Shake: 30% time he saw the President naked in the White House showers: 2%

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don't you know what photoshop is? this section is fake. > THE FOLLOWING SECTION IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT

A guide to bars and nightclubs on or near Pennâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s campus

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3ANSOM 3TREET s Nestled on historical Sansom Street in University City, Philadelphia since 1986. We offer a vast array of draft beers. Our European draft beer system imported from County Cork, Ireland, gives us reason to boast that we pour the Best Pint in the City! Kitchen open till 1am daily w/half price menu Sun-Thurs.

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Pope Benedict XVI: Because letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s be real, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s got a lot of time on his hands now.

6ENUE AVAILABLE TO BOOK PARTIES TH 3PRUCE s s COPABANANA COM UNI PHP Copabanana is THE place to go for margaritas! Half price margaritas Mondays from noon to midnight. Happy Hour Mondays to Fridays from 5-7pm. Open late seven days a week! Phillyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s award winning DJ Karaoke Joe is now at the Copabanana from 9:30 on Thursdays!

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

3TOP IN FOR 3UNDAY BRUNCH

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Beyonce: Duh.

TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT

SPRING BREAK EDITION

(407): I sometimes fall asleep with a beer in my bed because, you know, I don’t have a boyfriend.

(412): He actually made me a plastic trophy that said “world’s best blowjob.”

Tastes like victory.

(516): K I wanclealy drunk tonight. Turns out Brian is a junior ms brian little is DAVE FML bit Ta okay bc DAVE hu with my pledge sister but ifs okay bc I Hannah hu worh Brian but turns out brian has a gf WHO GOES TO PENNWHAG TBE FUCK (786): I think u witnessed part of my soul but i dont know what to believe cuz ur a sex fiend (555): I got paw prints tattooed on my tits last night....

(818): Lob you in already drunk though (215): OMG how is that even possible (818): Purim pregame

hook up is passed out I have your shoes and your wallet

Keep your I pad secure. We luv yu, Grandma & Papa

(555): A guy just gave me a parrot. What’s going on?

(516): I literally just had snapchat sex and it was better than the real thing. All the sexy none of the messy.

(215): #shame, where da fuck are yu?

(215): has fassbenders Penis happend?

(555): I can’t tell if I have sun poisoning or if I’m still hungover from last night...

(757): YOU WERE HOLDING A BABY, WHERE WAS ITS PLACENTA AND WHY WASN’T IT COVERED IN BLOOD AND SCREAMING??

(307): I don’t care if she just got out of the hospital that outfit was so nineteen ninety never.

(407): He called me and was like, oh you know I’m just out here gentrifying Brooklyn. And I was like that’s a disgusting and racist thing to say. We are no longer friends.

(555): too drunk/lazy to change tampon before i go to bed. #yolo #if i should die before i wake its fucking tss i know it is (248): Did you really just use the top hat emoji while sexting me?

(602): I just went with it, and as the saying goes, I killed two birds with one penis.

(215): My feet hurt and I’m mad all I want to do is wobble.

(555): Are you okay? your

(734): Which song describes last night best?

(616): Nelly. Country Grammar.

(617): My mother just liked a picture of my one night stand on Facebook. How did she find him? What is going on?

(215): I’m so high. I’m 90% sure the church bells are ringing out On Top of Spaghetti.

(845): Have a good dinner tonite and have a great trip!

Watch what you drink there.

(516): His dick is literally perfect. I am hypnotized by his dick. Dickmatized.

(631): imm alive. Dont worry. #notdead (610): Where is everyone/ does anyone have anti diarrhea medicine?

(724): No I distinctly remember you yelling “THERE IS NO POPE” at the McDonald’s lady because they were out of barbeque sauce.

(516): I'm going to the Pottruck sauna to sweat out the toxins.

(202): Tell me what you’ll do to me if I don’t come

(555): When in NorCal, try salvia

(555): THREW THE SHOCKER LAST NIGHT. ALWAYS A WIN

(828): You know you’re in South Carolina when you can’t tell if a billboard is for a strip club or a teen clothing store (516): do you about historical Like george probably got a some point.

ever think sex acts? washington blowjob at

(412): The thing is. We should live each other. Cause iNm drink. And I live you.

(908): i always get promiscious when i’m in the presence of camp people. it’s a bad habit.

(845): Whats the section o the librarry in harry potter thats off limits (555): I thought we had sex in APES last night, but then I remembered-I’m a virgin.

(617): I’ve never seen an attractive beard.

(215): That’s cause you’re Asian

34TH STREET Magazine March 14, 2013

(412): FORTY DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE TO SKETCHERS???? OMFG

(321): judge not by the color of one’s skin, but by the firmness of their booty.

(919): ah yes, i believe it was the great dr. martin luther king jr that once said that.

(314): My night went downhill. V8 as a mixer. There’s a girl with a trombone at this bar.

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HIGHBROW PRESENTS:

(469): Guys. Please hurry up and come back. I found myself putting on eye liner to go to frogro 19

MAKE YOUR OWN LOCUST WALK: IT'S WARM OUT!

Well, it was. For about an hour. Eventually it will be warm.

Whatever. Cut out these St. Patty's Day stickers and paste them below to decorate your own Irish wonderland.

Bonus points if you're the kid in Sticker #1.

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1. You, passed out / 2. A hip hat / 3. A less hip hat / 4. A pot of gold / 5. Copy of the DP? / 6. The can of PBR you so frattily crushed / 7. A rainbow / 8. An Irish person / 9. Trash 20 can, for puking / 10. Our commencement speaker (he came early to party) / 11. Carly Rae, our dream girl (if "Call Me Maybe" doesn't make a comeback, we're gonna riot)