01.21.2016

January 21-27, 2016 34st.com

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january 21

LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR

2016

LOL

The beginning of second semester kind of sucks. It’s cold, we have OCR, there’s rush and then there’s pledging. The odds of you making it to your 9a.m. in College Hall go from 60/40 to 20/80 in a matter of minutes. Everyone is stressed and cranky, and the guy you were seeing before break won’t text you back. And did I mention that it’s cold?

3 HIGHBROW

"how was your break?", overheards, round up

Penn has such a unique way of making you feel inadequate. Be it with OCR, rush (p. 4) or dating apps (p. 9), there will always be something out there that makes you feel like you’re missing the mark.

So many people here are so talented or so pretty or so accomplished that it’s easy to feel like you’re getting lost in the mix.

4 WORD ON THE STREET

sad freshmen girls

5 EGO

That’s why I have Street. Street is the place on campus that makes me feel safe, that saves me from internship rejections and bitchy sorority girl fights. Street is where I get to be myself.

guys vs. girls rush, eotw: victoria chen

LOL LOL

LOL

LOL

7 TECH

app of the week, new years resolutions, dating apps

10 FEATURE

xx

12 FILM

movies you missed, now streaming, the 5th wave

food boy: onion rings, five new things to try

LOL

The sooner you can own that, the happier you will be.

business frats

15 VICE & VIRTUE

LOL

Former Editor–in–Chief Nina Wolpow told me that it’s important to find a place in your life where you aren’t afraid to make mistakes, a place where you are truly happy. I believe that everyone can find a place like that at Penn. Whether it’s with your newfound sisters, your business frat (p. 10) or even your laptop opened to Netflix (p. 13), it exists and it is yours.

17 ARTS

bad 2015 fashion trends, how to dress for the weather

19 LOWBROW

global warming, snapchat updates, people on airplanes

COME TO OUR WRITERS MEETING: 6:30PM TONIGHT @ 4015 'NUT. KANYE WILL BE THERE*

*THIS IS A LIE

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie, Managing Editor Giulia Imholte, Audience Engagement Director Jeffrey Yang, Design Director Remi Lederman, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Dani Blum, Features Editor Orly Greenberg, Features Editor Mark Paraskevas, Word on the Street Editor Steph Barron, Word on the Street Editor Emily Hason, Campus Editor Julie Levitan, Culture Editor Brandon Slotkin, Entertainment Editor Rachel Rubin, Lowbrow Editor Genny Hagedom, Highbrow Beat Keara Jenkins, Highbrow Beat Elena Modesti, Ego Beat Genevieve Glatsky, Ego Beat 2

Melissa Curley, Music Beat Sydney Hard, Music Beat Talia Sterman, Music Beatlet Johanna Matt-Navarro, Music Beatlet Madison Bell-Rosof, Arts Beat Syra Ortiz-Blanes, Arts Beat Nick Joyner, Film and TV Beat Emily Schwartz, Film and TV Beat Zoe Albano-Oritt, Tech Beat Hannah Noyes, Tech Beat Dina Zaret, Vice & Virtue Beat Chloe Shakin, Vice & Virtue Beat Jackie Lawyer, Lowbrow Beat Jack Cody, Lowbrow Beat Nadia Kim, Design Editor Sofie Praestgaard, Design Editor Dina Zaret, Dining Guide Editor Madison Bell-Rosof, Dining Guide Editor

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Alex Fisher, Photo Editor Katie Dumke, Photo Editor Isabel Zapata, Photo Editor

Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Alex Fisher, Katie Dumke, Isabel Zapata, Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh, and Julie Chu Cheong.

Sara Thalheimer, Copy Director Elana Waldstein, Copy Director Sola Park, Copy Editor Chloe Cheng, Copy Editor

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief, at johns@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898-6585.

To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

Blake Brashear, Social Media Editor Rhea Aurora, Social Media Editor

www.34st.com

Staff Writers: Frank Augello, Caroline Harris, Mike Coyne, Hallie Brookman, Olivia Fitzpatrick, Jillian Karande Staff Photographers: Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh, Julie Chu Cheong

"How do you want me to write JAPs?" ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

HOW WAS YOUR BREAK?

"Good! How was yours!?"

"Meh"

This flow chart provides the non– bullshit answer to that question.

Vacation plans?

*Insert tropical and/ or ski resort name here*

How bougie were your New Years Eve Plans?

You can spot me in the back of Jbieb's instas.

Your break was probably the envy of everyone on social media, as there was certainly not a lack of documentation on your part. At least you don't have to explain to people what you did. Your 90-second snap story on New Year's was enough.

Yes. It was painful.

How are your new years resolutions going?

I got shitfaced.

Does it matter?

Touché.

at

Did you hang out with your high school friends?

I once didn't step outside of my house for 48 hours.

I only drunk texted my fall semester hookup, like, three times.

They're not.

It appears you didn't compeltely shy away from interaction with the outside world this break. Congrats!

And hey, the *idea* of training for that half marathon is almost as noble as actually doing it, right?

THEROUNDUP Welcome back to campus, Quakers. While your tan lines may fade, your drunk escapades remain the same. Remember: the only thing worse than being cut during rush is winding up in the Round Up. Bitch betta have my money. During a date night in New York, a Sig Nu brother ran into a little trouble when one of the bouncers approached him while in the VIP section, demanding $2,000 on the spot for the open bar and admitting everyone without checking IDs. Showing the student he meant business, the bouncer then flashed his gun. Scared shitless, the brother was only able to shell out $500 dollars and then hid from the bouncer for the rest of the night, but at least he could show his

SDT hopeful during rush: Okay, but like, Chicago JAPs don’t compare to New York JAPs.

I flaked.

Often.

Number of movies you watched?

Fuck.

Less than seven.

Netflix sessions also count.

More than seven.

Some people might label your winter break as "uneventful" but don't let the haters get you down. Your relationship with every cast member of Friends are arguably more real than the one you had with your formal date.

rushes how frat he is! Didn't anybody ever tell him to never go past 44th Street?

Only some, it seems, are scared shitless though: that's right kids, the serial shitter has been reincarnated. Sources say that a so–called shit phantom has been leaving his ectoplasm feces all over the walls of Hill. Highbrow hears that, after one brave Quaker called him out for his haunting behavior, he woke up to a giant dump sitting outside of his door. To be fair, maybe it was the E. coli.

Hill wasn't the only thing that got a little mesSAE last weekend. One queasy Quaker started throwing up all over herself and her casanova's bed while he was going down on her. A true gentleman, the SAE junior carried his lady friend to the bathroom and attempted to rinse her off in the shower. We guess that's one way of getting a girl wet.

over heard PENN Old woman at dinner: You know what he said to me? There will only be seven planets tomorrow because I'm going to destroy Uranus.

Informed Castle rush: The Radian isn't a sorority house unless you live above the eleventh floor.

Well–endowed Oz sophomore: My high school basketball coach used to call me the girthiest boy on the squad.

A’s boys to girls at Smokes’: Hey, we’re here to hit on you.

Speaking of thirsty girls, TriDelt execs were eager to (s)rat out sisters of Theta and SDT for going out during rush. Sources say TriDelt sent SDT an email threatening to tell OFSL about some of their sisters’ drunk escapades, while other DDDetectives even encouraged members to take pics and screenshot snaps of the rule– breakers. OFSL was equally as PanHell–bent on keeping tabs on the sororities. Highbrow hears that one administrator ordered her ad–minions to make rounds at Smokes’, hoping to also snap some incriminating pics. Great job OFSL, but mostly a huge congrats to TriDelt for utilizing snapshots rather than snap bids this year!

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

AN OPEN LETTER TO SAD FRESHMAN GIRLS

Last night, Penn’s eight panhellenic chapters each handed out 50–odd bids to the 630–some girls that signed up to rush in January. In case you don’t want to do the math, we’ll do it for you: roughly 400 bids were offered to 630 interested girls. Those numbers don’t add up. And even if they did, they don’t reflect the countless girls that didn’t get their first, second, third or fourth choices. For every girl with her social dreams coming true at bid night, smiling ear– to–ear and rocking the hand sign of her "new home," there's another one who left bid night early to go home and cry alone in her twin XL bed, wondering if she should just give up and transfer to UMich or Cornell or Brown.

So here’s what no one tells you when you’re crying on bid night: everything will, most definitely, be okay.

A lot of things can go wrong during rush.

You could get cut by your top choices and end up in a house you never saw yourself in. You could wind up in one house while all your friends wind up in another. Or you could get cut from everything. As a freshman girl who’s trying to find her place in the Penn community, any of the above undesirable outcomes can feel earth shattering.

Girl rush sucks for a lot of reasons, (just ask anyone in OAX how much happier they are with their new rush process). It feels like your social life for the next three–and–a–half years at Penn might be determined by the impression you leave with a girl a couple years older than you after a single five–minute conversation about what you did over break. Or, worse, those three–and–a–half years could have been determined before you even started rushing.

A house that cut you might have done it for the simple, unfair fact that you made out with the wrong boy at the wrong party at the wrong time.

The member selection process isn’t flawless or fair. It’s a sad reality that you may even have gotten cut from your favorite house because the girls there were too distracted when it came time to vote, and you were the umpteenth girl they were discussing, and honestly, they were too tired to focus on whether they liked you

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or not. So they cut you. The decisions that worked to create the worst moment of your Penn life so far have probably already been forgotten by the girls who made them.

Before you came to Penn, The House Bunny probably played a pretty dominant role in shaping your idea of what sorority life would be like. And, if you were like the majority of girls that rush here, you “never thought I would join a sorority until I came to Penn.” But, as cliché as that phrase has become on this campus, people say it for a reason. Sorority life at Penn is under no circumstances the dictator of your happiness, social life or friendships the way it is at other schools. And you know it’s not, or you probably wouldn’t have rushed in the first place.

But in the midst of all the “Thought Theta” and “Sweet Home Chi Omega” chants, that indifferent attitude can be easy to forget.

From a distance, it’s easy to laugh about rush and how we felt about the whole thing.

But in the moment, we know it’s not that simple or easy to move on. One of us ended up in a house that was distinctly not where she thought she belonged. The other thought she liked the house she got into, then had a panic attack after bid night and quit altogether. Both of us are now exceptionally fulfilled and happy with our social lives. Your sorority (or lack thereof ) will not dictate your life here unless you want it to.

Sororities can be a nice complement to your social life here, but they are not the only thing you have going for you. Most girls who are members would not cite getting a bid as among their proudest accomplishments it Penn. Some people make some of their best friends through their chapters, but even then,

Penn is so much more than what you see during rush. We promise.

it is likely their sorority friends only make up a small portion of their social landscapes. It’s good to think of a sorority the way you think of any other extracurricular at Penn: a great way to spend time and make friends, but not the only way to do either of those things.

Let us be clear: you do not need to be in a sorority to be happy at Penn. And if you are in one, you absolutely do not need to be in the “right” one. Odds are you don’t even know what the right one is yet.

So, if you are curled up in your twin XL reading this, vowing never to come out from under the covers and considering a leave of absence, listen to this. As cheesey as it may be, comparison is the thief of joy, and if you spend the next three years of your life comparing your Penn experience to that of others or to what you thought it should be like, you will be miserable. But, if you give what you have a chance, you will be surprised at how happy you end up being. And if you don’t have anything, we’ll give you something: come to 4015 Walnut Street tonight at 6:30p.m. Street is a family composed of people from all walks of Penn life, Greek and not Greek, and we found our people here. Maybe you will too. A lot can happen in three years, and what happened last night will soon seem trivial in light of all that you will do here.

Besides, 80% of sorority apparel is ugly anyways.

"LET US BE CLEAR: YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE IN A SORORITY TO BE HAPPY AT PENN."

With love, Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief Mikaela Gilbert–Lurie, Managing Editor

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: VICTORIA CHEN

This future dentist is a member of four senior societies and co–founder of Penn Queer & Asian. Victoria debunks stereotypes about Asian–interest sororities and dishes on Channing Tatum and the hidden power of dentists.

Street: What made you join Sigma Psi Zeta?

Victoria Chen: I actually came for the food, just because they’re known for the food.

There’s an entire week of open rush. I went to the rush events, and I really enjoyed the people that I met there.

Street: What do you think Multicultural Greek Life or an Asian–interest sorority offers that a Panhellenic sorority or IFC doesn’t?

VC: I don’t want to say anything bad about Panhel or IFC. Sigma is really small.

It’s around 50 people total. It offers a lot of close–knit connections. You can really get to know the entire sorority if you want to.

Street: What is the biggest misconception that people have about Multicultural Greek Life or about Asianinterest sororities?

VC: It’s common to think that multicultural organizations are exclusive. That’s because generally we’re a lot smaller. We don’t have huge programming where we can broadcast ourselves. So it’s usually through the current networks that we have, which are all Asian, Latino or black. It’s kind of hard to branch out into what mainstream Penn is like, which is predominantly white still.

Street: You’re the co–founder of Penn Queer & Asian. How did that come about?

VC: Every year, Penn sends a bunch of people to a conference called IVQ. It’s like a queer Ivy League Conference.

It sounds really elitist. I went my sophomore spring and while we were there, I was hanging out with some other queer Asians who I didn’t really

know at the time. We were like, 'Okay. The Ivy League is statistically at least 20% Asian, but it's probably 5% Asian at this conference right now.

WTF? Statistically speaking, there should be more Asians.' ... 'Do we know queer Asian friends who are going through a hard time?' The answer was yes...So we were like, 'Damn it. We’ll just create a group.'

Street: Do you think there’s a unique experience being queer and Asian?

VC: I think with any intersectional identity, there’s a very unique experience. With Asians, a lot has to do with duty or filial piety essentially. I think it’s really hard for queer Asians to come out to their families in particular. I think from our entire club, which has over 80 people, I know only a handful that are out to everyone. It’s really sad. There’s a common theme where people want to have financial independence before they come out because they’re afraid they’re going to get cut off.

Street: But it’s okay that this will be published online?

There won’t be any angry phone calls from relatives?

VC: There might be actually.

But it’s okay because one of my resolutions this year was to come out to my parents.

Street: Wow. VC: Yeah, bomb. Kind of scary.

Street: You’re in four senior societies. Does that make you four times as elite as someone who’s only in one senior society?

VC: No, not at all! It probably was a mistake to actually join four. I didn’t realize I would

get into all four.

Street: What would be your dream job?

VC: I’m going to dental school. This is hard because I still haven’t formulated my dream job yet. I’m not sure if I want to specialize. Maybe an oral surgeon. But ideally, I would also want to be the president of the American Dental Association (ADA), which is the national overseer organization that unites dentists.

Street: First AIM screen name?

VC: vickyswimmergirl Street: Describe yourself in three words: VC: Neurotic, approachable, pseudo–basique.

Street: What is your spirit animal?

VC: Honestly, it would probably be a house cat. Kind of boring, but it has a really long life expectancy compared to wild animals.

Street: What advice would you give to your freshman– year self?

VC: Don’t tie yourself down with anything, like with commitments to certain organizations or people. That type of thing. It sounds like dating advice, but it’s not supposed to be!

I think if I were infamous for anything, it would be parading around my gayness and getting in trouble for it.

Street: In the South?

VC: Just anywhere that’s somewhat conservative. Somewhere in Asia where I would get arrested for being too queer. Is that a thing? (Ed. note: maybe?)

Street: There are two types of people at Penn…

VC: Those who are woke and those who are not. There are a lot of people who are just not.

Street: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

VC: I would control people’s minds. I just think that it’s the superpower with the most power because you can control large swaths of people.

Name: Victoria Chen Hometown: Los Angeles, CA Major: Biology Activities: Sigma Psi Zeta, Lambda Alliance, Asian Pacific Student Coalition, Penn Queer and Asian, Penn Symphony Orchestra, Frisbee, Sphinx, Carriage, Oracle, Omega er, it would only be for two people: Channing Tatum and Tom Brady. That being said, I don’t know how I can compare to Jenna Dewan and Gisele Bündchen. But that’s okay.

Street: Who was your first celebrity crush?

VC: Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum in...what’s the soccer one?

Street: She’s the Man! VC: She’s the Man! He’s so hot. I still have a celebrity crush on him. If I were to be a homewreck-

Street: If you were going to be infamous for something what would it be?

VC: At one point in my life, aka just a few years ago, I wanted to settle in the South or somewwhere really conservative and have a liberal stronghold there regarding LGBT issues.

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5

EGO

JUST LET ME BITCH ABOUT RUSH

FOR A SEC:

HONEST TOMS VERSUS HONEST HELL Girls rush is a nightmare. Why the hell does it have to be a nightmare.

I’m sure everyone has seen the sheets hanging from buildings on Locust advertising a certain fraternity and “Free Shake Shack” or “Honest Toms and Chipotle.” I’m even more sure that after seeing those sheets, everyone has desperately wished they were a freshman boy rushing one of those fraternities. Regardless of whether this is the first time you’ve wished this (it certainly isn’t for me), there is no judgment in wanting to throw your nametag out the TriDelt window and go knee–deep in a nice burrito with some fellow frosh as a form of rush.

The boys rush process is a dream come true. You roll up with your homies, dap up a few upperclassmen, play some beer pong, eat your body weight in fries or guacamole and then head off to the next frat, which is most likely just a few doors down. Truly the simple life. No one is asking you what your major is, or what you did over break. You just have to be able to hold your own in a game of pong, and know the team that’s playing that night. One of my dear freshman friends put it very succinctly: “Rush is bomb.

I’ve been drunk for three days

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straight.”

Meanwhile, hello from the other side.

While the eager freshman boys accept party invitations from their favorite frats, or make dinner plans with upperclassmen at Dim Sum Garden, 50 girls stand huddled outside of each sorority chapter, as the echos of sorority chants rattle the front porches of each house. Regardless of what the temperature was a few days before the process starts, it always rains or snows during rush. Without fail.

There’s no time to eat besides the brief fifteen–minute haitus one has between each house visit, which consequentially leads to starvation by the end of the day. Unless you’re me, and

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you choose to eat a chipotle quesadilla five minutes before entering the next round.

But not everyone is this socially unaware.

Upon entering a sorority house, you are paired up with a girl and brought to a room where everyone seems to be screaming at the top of their lungs in order to hear the other person. There’s no pong. There’s no TV. There’s no food. In fact, if you happen to even have a cup of water, you are forbidden to take it out of the house.

It could be considered a “gift.” And we can’t have that. Meanwhile, some current Phi Delt rush is out getting wined and dined to his hearts content for a full week.

The best is when it’s “business casual” day. Whereas our fellow freshman lads come in hot wearing flannels and Timbs, girls must wear heels or dresses.

You don’t know pain until you’ve stood outside of Theta in the pouring rain wearing nylon tights (that are inevitably cutting off your circulation) while nursing a blister from your pumps. Starving. In the words of most boys who recall what they know about girl’s rush, “it looks like slavery.”

Not to mention, TriDelt isn't even allowed to give out their delicious cakes with your name on it during Pref Night anymore. What kind of world do we live in?

The jury is still out on the issue. Maybe by next year we'll have a verdict.

ELENA MODESTI

APP OF THE WEEK:

PEACH

Facebook, Twitter and Instagram's illegitimate— and somewhat unfortunate—lovechild.

TECH

By now, you may or may not have heard of the new free app Peach, which came out Friday, Jan. 8, 2015. Basically, if Facebook, Twitter and Instagram got drunk and had a threesome, Peach would be their illicit lovechild. Peach was created by Dom Hoffman, co– creator of Vine, and released by the company Byte, Inc. Street took the liberty of breaking it down for you so you don’t have to waste fifteen important minutes trying to figure it out. If, even after this mediocre review, you feel compelled to make an account, add me @ zoealbanooritt (yeah I plugged myself, ask me if I give a fuck) (Ed. note: really though, she has like two friends, so add her.)

ZOE ALBANO-ORITT

HOW IT WORKS: Peach allows you to post short status updates, pictures/GIFs and even drawings. While there's no main feed, you can view your friends' personal feeds and find out what they're up to. You can also like and comment on someone else's status or picture, which is one of the few ways to directly interact with someone on Peach. There are magic words that allow you to share what you’re listening to, what movie you’re watching (by typing keyword "movie" into your feed) or do other cool shit like roll emoji dice ("dice") and make drawings ("draw").

PROS: • •

• •

There's no line down the middle of the peach in the icon, so you're not constantly seeing an ass every time you open the app.

In case poking people on Facebook wasn’t enough for you, Peach gives you the option to now wave at, cake, 100, boop, quarantine, blow a kiss, put a ring on and hiss at your friends. Now you can finally passive aggressively quarantine that bitch you hate, even if it's only an emoji on a social media app.

You can actually post GIFs on it. We're looking at you, Facebook.

Using Peach's special magic words, you can draw dicks by using the magic word "draw" and tell people you're watching Sharknado by using the magic word "movie". What more could you ask for in a social media app?

CONS: • • • • •

Since there’s no main timeline/news feed/Peach feed, how are you supposed to find out that that girl in your econ class you asked for notes from that one time had a dope time at formal?

What the actual fuck is a boop?

Instead of “find your friends,” Peach encourages you to “assemble your squad." It's 2016. Squad is over.

You don’t need a magic word to tell people what song you’re listening to. You can just tell them.

I’m personally really bad at iPhone drawings. When Draw Something finally died out in 2012, I rejoiced.

So there you have it, folks. Peach is pretty useless, but it's a good way to waste time in VP basement during midterms. Plus, it's kinda cute.

Even college housing

should feel like home.

Contact us today to find your ideal off-campus housing!

Fantastic units anywhere from a studio apartment to a 10 bedroom house available near 39th & Pine or 44th & Spruce.

Available June 1st.

215.387.4137 ext. 100 abergeson111@gmail.com www.ConstellarCorporation.com J A N U A R Y 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

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6

TECH

APPS

TO HELP YOU KEEP YOUR NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

It's so much easier to keep resolutions when you have the app store on your side.

1. NIKE+ TRAINING CLUB

3. SLEEP CYCLE

With a library of not– heinous workouts, it’s no surprise that this app is constantly top rated.

For the resolution that involves getting a better booty, this app is perfect, as it combines exercise instructions with how–to videos. Basically, you can’t do it wrong.

For those kids who set five iPhone alarms and are constantly late for class. Put your phone on your bed and this app will monitor when it’s best to wake you up for class according to when you are in your lightest sleep phase. Give the app a 30 minute window in which you would like to be woken up, and it will work its magic. The app listens in on your sleep, detecting movements that you make while you're snoozing. Don't worry—the sounds it records are deleted once analyzed, so your secret snoring problem will remain under wraps.

4. INBOX ZERO

2. LOSE IT

New year, same me. Let’s face it—those 7,759 emails aren’t going to read themselves. This app goes through your filled inbox for you, archiving unimportant emails and keeping the rest. The initial cleaning feature gave us anxiety, but not seeing the little red number on the mail tab instantly calmed our fears.

For the freshman fifteen that you gained over winter break, this app gives you a calorie recommendation so you know JUST how many calories you’re consuming in that slice of BBQ chicken Allegro slice (Ed. note: please don't tell us, though.)

OUNG

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5. HEADSPACE

WIN

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In 2016, we vowed to be less stressed. After trying a guided meditation class run by student health, we went looking for exercises we could do on our own. Download this app and do the meditation exercises—they’re amazing and really do help with the anxiety that we’re sure you’re feeling around exams.

6. WONDERFUL DAY

It’s simple: write down goals that you want to accomplish by the end of the week and enter in how many days of the week you want to accomplish that goal. If you achieve the goal, you get to mark it with a green circle. Beware of red circles­, though. They totally mean you’re an unmotivated Quaker.

BEST OUTDOOR DINING, BEST CRÊPES, BEST DRAG SHOW

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www.creperie-beaumonde.com

TO MAKE A RESERVATION CALL: 215-592-0656

MONDAY: NOON – 10PM TUESDAY – FRIDAY: NOON – 11PM SATURDAY 10AM – 11PM SUNDAY 10AM – 10PM

HAPPY HOUR: MONDAY - FRIDAY 5:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.

MONDAYS FOR SPECIAL EVENTS TUESDAY–THURSDAY 7:30–1AM FRIDAY & SATURDAY 7:00–2AM SUNDAY 7:30–1AM

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CABARET HOURS

CREPERIE HOURS

6th & BAINBRIDGE STREETS, PHILADELPHIA

Photo by Rob Kopf

HANNAH NOYES

TECH

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

HINGE, TINDER AND BUMBLE?

Hinge, Tinder, Bumble… what’s the difference? We did the research, so you don't have to. All apps were adjusted to include a five–mile radius around Penn, and all had identical profiles.

HANNAH NOYES

And can any of them get you a good date to formal? Street investigated.

TINDER

Tinder has always been the mainstream, mindless swiping app that we know and love. Billed as an outlet for “friends, dates, relationships, and everything in between,” Tinder is definitely more hookup–heavy than the other two apps. With a limited number of right swipes before you have to pay, the new Tinder update can provide a quick confidence boost or a last–minute date night date, depending on how you use it.

The Good: Out of 20 right swipes, fourteen swiped back. If you’re on Tinder, you have a pretty good chance of matching with the Drexel boy of your dreams.

The Bad: People are forward. This can be good or bad, depending on how you feel about being propositioned for sex upon first message. Tinder's "super like" feature is also way too easy to accidentally utilize. Regular users get one "super like" per day, as far as we can tell, you can use it on someone who you can't possibly live without.

BUMBLE

HINGE

A lady–friendly app, with the same layout as tinder.

Whitney Wolfe, a former VP of marketing at Tinder, was in a very public sexual harrassment case with the company. Wolfe wanted to level the playing field between women and men with online dating. The way Bumble works is that girls have to message first (either party can message first for same–sex couples though); you have to come up with something better than a simple “hey” to get your message across.

You have 24 hours to message your match before he or she disappears completely.

“Hinge is where relationships start” claims the strangely–named dating app. The premise behind Hinge is instead of random strangers, you only match with people who you have mutual Facebook friends with. In theory, Hinge should exponentially reduce your odds of getting murdered on a date. Hinge recently introduced a new feature that allows you to take mini quizzes while you swipe, and people who have similar results to you will be recommended.

The Good: The guys are hot, and the girls–message–first feature weeds out some of the creeps you'll find onTinder. In a fifteen–minute swiping session, Street matched with two Philly pro athletes (Ed. note: don't hate me cuz you ain't me). If hooking up with NBA players is your jam, then look no further.

The Good: Because you have mutual friends with every person that you match with on the app, you can tell your mom Julie introduced you, and not that you met while in line at FroGro or whatever socially acceptable lie you’re telling your family about the stranger you brought home last night.

The Bad: If you’re someone who isn’t good at opening lines, this isn’t for you. Practice your conversation skills in Tinder, then take it to the big leagues with Bumble.

The Bad: Definitely more familiarity, this app tells you someone’s full name, where they work, and where they went to school. Meaning, they know all of that about you as well.

The Bottom Line: Bumble has hotter guys on average, but you have to message them first. Bumble also has the option to send pictures while chatting…if you’re into that sort of thing.

The Bottom Line: Hinge only gives you a certain number of matches per day (think about 20). For someone who’s looking for instant swipe gratification, it can be annoying.

The Bottom Line: If you want to get laid, Tinder is your pal.

BYO TINDER MATCH TO OUR WRITERS MEETING ON THURSDAY @ 6:30 P.M. WE WON'T JUDGE YOU. WE'RE ALL JUST TRYING TO FIND LOVE IN THIS COLD, SAD WORLD ANYWAY. BUT NO UGGOS PLZ. J A N U A R Y 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

9

F E AT U R E

I

t’s one against 70, and the recruiter is losing. Rather than file out, the students swarm him, ply him with resumes and cover letters and jostle his arm in hopes of getting a handshake. Out of the 70, Rami Saker (C&W ’17) stands alone.

He watches. Once the crowd clears out, Rami approaches the recruiter and suggests they get coffee. Surprised, the recruiter agrees.

Over coffee, the recruiter told Rami he didn’t remember anyone else from the recruiting session. “So it’s not like walking up to someone with this entitled expectation and saying, okay, you’re here, we have this connection, now help me out,” Rami says. “It’s more like, ‘Listen.

Here’s what I’ve done so far. I know you have something, and I want to know how to get to where you are.’

It’s like him helping you. That’s what attracted me to [Delta Sigma Pi] in the first place.”

Delta Sigma Pi, or DSP, is one of Penn’s three professional business fraternities, along with Alpha Kappa Psi (AKPsi) and Phi Gamma Nu (PGN).

All three fraternities have fifty to sixty brothers and a roughly even gender ratio (men and women are both referred to as “brothers” in co–ed fraternities). While it might seem like there could be nothing more stereotypically “Penn” than a business fraternity, they are, by no means, solely a Quaker entity. The AKPsi website shows that the fraternity has had a whopping 357 unique chapters in its history, while DSP currently lists 226 active chapters on their website and PGN lists 13.

Jahanvi Sardana (W ’18) feels that her membership in DSP is primarily a social experience. “It’s a brotherhood. You get a family here. For most people it’s like their core friend group, their first friend group at Penn. We go to spring break together.” While she admits that solid career advice could be found in a social

fraternity or any other club, it’s easier to find it in DSP because she trusts the information from every member.

“Because it’s a professional fraternity, everyone has great jobs,” she explains.

“You could literally reach out for help for any company. I just feel like it’s the best plan. You don’t have to look out for the smart people, everyone’s so smart.”

She pauses, corrects herself. “ I don’t mean smart…I mean more like, professional.”

he word “fraternity” in our society rarely comes with a positive connotation.

Sure, there are always tales of large–scale philanthropy events or fraternity brothers raising money for cancer research, but it seems like for every one of those we hear ten stories of racist chants, hazing deaths and drunken stupidity. Given this image, the concept of a “business fraternity” is somewhat difficult to understand.

Can you imagine Bluto from Animal House asking his brothers to prep him for his Deloitte super day? Or a more recent example—can you picture Seth Rogen’s character in Neighbors filing a noise complaint for an especially rowdy resume workshop? And of course, their existence begs the question—just how much do they differ from social fraternities on a day–to–day basis?

Rami joined DSP the spring of his freshman year. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, he is able to name brothers from his chapter at nearly every high– profile company—Boston Consulting Group, Bain Capital, Credit Suisse and even ones who worked at Facebook and the White House. While these connections are without a doubt valuable, they don’t entirely define Rami’s DSP experience. “I can throw you brands everywhere,” he tells me,

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F E AT U R E

Sri Lanka, joined AKPsi for professional reasons—but the idea of a business fraternity is typically an easier sell to parents, especially those from foreign countries where Greek life isn’t present in popular culture.

Dues for business frats are also roughly a third less than those of social fraternities.

PGN has a “decent amount” of international students, according to Ray; Jahanvi is one of six international students in her pledge class of nine.

The co–ed nature of DSP also stands out to Jahanvi.

“For a sorority, I feel like there’s too much estrogen for me,” she says. “We’re all like bros. We just hang out.”

Many business fraternity brothers consider their chapters to be a satisfactory social hub for their Penn experience. However, being in a professional fraternity at Penn does not preclude you from joining a social fraternity or sorority. Angela Pan (SAS ’16), a member of both Chi Omega and AKPsi, PGN President Sophie Phillips (C&W '17) joined Chi O during her freshman spring semester and ended were doing.” But that doesn’t mean up joining AKPsi in the fall of her that job talk is off the table, or that sophomore year. Having already competition doesn’t exist. After found her “family” at Penn, she Rami listed all of the impressive sought an opportunity to strengthen places his pledge class got internher professional skills. “At that time ships for the upcoming summer while he was abroad, he admitted, “I I was thinking that I already had a great group of friends,” she explains, have to live up to that now."

“but at the same time I was think ing I wanted to develop my professional skills, and that’s the benefit of being in a business frat. Because they really do help you give yourself t’s hard to sell Greek life to your direction, and I had no idea what I wanted to do.” parents back home.”

Sanjula Weerawardhena, a sophomore in Wharton from “But you can’t really tell. They’re just cool, genuine people who do what they want to do.”

Rami says that in DSP, social interactions come before professional aspirations. “I would feel weird if I reached out to one of them and asked for a job,” he admitted.

“I would reach out to see how they

I

N

ot everyone in a business frat wants to spend life after college strolling down Wall Street.

For Tucker Reynolds, a sophomore in the College and rush chair for AKPsi, joining his fraternity meant furthering his career in the entertainment industry.

He cites the fraternity’s Media & Entertainment Week, founded by an alumnus who worked at Lion’s Gate Entertainment, as the main professional reason he pledged.

“Once you cross…you have a community of people who are already working in the jobs you aspire to work in,” he explains.

“I found out about [the Media & Entertainment Week] through rush so that’s another reason why I was like, ‘ooh, I like AKPsi a lot!’”

For some, joining a business frat means discovering new career.

Ray Liu (SEAS ’16), who is on track to graduate this semester and submatriculate into a Masters’ program in bioengineering, has already accepted a job offer from Putnam Associates, a healthcare consulting firm in Boston. But before joining PGN during the fall of his sophomore year, he knew almost nothing about consulting. “I figured I wanted exposure to other fields to see what they’re like,” he recalls. “Being in [the School of Engineering], I never got introduced to any business–type fields.

Even in high school I was pretty science–focused and I came in [to Penn] pre–med as well, so being in PGN has definitely been the number one reason why I’m going into consulting in the future.”

When Ray realized he needed more interview experience, his brothers were there to help him prep. When he wanted more experience applying for consulting jobs, they were there to practice casing.

“They actually care about you,” he says. “When you ask for professional advice, they're actually interested in your success.”

S

ophie Phillips (C&W ’17) has been waking up this semester every day to a few buzzing Facebook message threads from her PGN brothers. As president, she has to rifle through them—one is with the social committee planning their once–a– semester retreat to a ski lodge in upstate New York and another is with her executive board making sure everything is staying afloat during a hectic rush season. This all may sound par for the course for any Greek organization on campus, but Sophie’s rushes aren’t lined up in the freezing cold in high heels or clamoring for free Chick–Fil–A in a beer–stained living room. Instead, her rushes might be proofreading their resumes and endorsing each other on LinkedIn. Jahanvi participated in Panhellenic rush during the spring semester of her freshman year, but dropped after her second night. “[Rush] was really weird,” she says.

“We’re in lines and dressed up for no reason, and it’s freezing. And all the guys are getting food.” The DSP rush process, by contrast, involved submitting a resume, completing an application, and going on a coffee chat. “And then you have a formal interview,” she says.

“Which was a little more intense.”

On paper these organizations seem to be a meeting point between social fraternities and business–oriented clubs such as the Wharton Undergraduate Consulting Club (WUCC). Perhaps what sets business fraternities apart from clubs like WUCC is the shared experience of brotherhood, obtained

after what all three fraternities refer to as “crossing,” or completing the membership education process.

Rami was not shy to admit that most of his favorite DSP memories were connected somehow to the initiation process, which he also credits for a large part of his personal and professional development. “It’s not meant to break you down. It’s meant to say, ‘I know you think you can’t do this. But here’s how I can show you that you can.’ You do new things that you never thought you could do before, and once it’s over you say to yourself, ‘Wow, I actually did that!’You find out that literally the only limits you’re giving yourself are your excuses.”

B

eing in a business frat means knowing to ask the recruiter to coffee instead of just handing out a resume or asking a silly question for the sake of talking. But it also means developing meaningful friendships that, as Angela describes, are “all joined together to something.” For every res me workshop or guest speaker, there are social events or even smaller things like Spirit, a part of every DSP chapter meeting which member and former Spirit Chair Nick Mion (W ‘17) explains as “pictures of the week in a funny slideshow with a bunch of jokes.”

“It’s like chilling in Huntsman,” says Rami. But, he adds, “If you look back and you look at that room, you realize you’re with ridiculously smart fucking people.”

MARK PARASKEVAS

Top right: The assembled DSP membership Center, Bottom right: Photos from the AKPsi rush event

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FILM & TV

THE 5TH WAVE: TO SEE OR NOT TO SEE?

Examining whether or not Rick Yancey's The 5th Wave is more than just another teen sellout.

Tomorrow evening, thousands of teens across the country will be lining up for their chance to see The 5th Wave, the first installment in a science fiction trilogy based on the popular young adult novel of the same name.

The movie tells the story of Cassie Sullivan, a teen heroine played by Chloë Grace Moretz, who is trying to save her brother in the face of an alien invasion. Critics and fans have already compared the movie to other young adult trilogies over the past few years, including Twilight, The Hunger Games and Divergent. Just as those series focused on traditional tropes of science fiction, such as vampires and people with superpowers, The 5th Wave centers on aliens. And just as those films featured rising young actresses playing teenage girls trying to save the world

from ultimate doom, The 5th Wave does so with Moretz. Based on that description alone, it doesn't sound like a film Penn students would necessarily be queuing up to see.

Yet, Rick Yancey, the author of the trilogy, begs to differ. Several have noted that despite the typical young–adult characteristics, the movie actually appeals to a wide audience with its lessons and commentary on human nature. Yancey agrees, arguing that the movie speaks to college students specifically. “The book is based on universal themes regardless of your age,” Yancey told Street. “College is that time in your life where you really have your first opportunity to figure out who you are...that’s exactly what this story is about.

With the journey that Cassie takes and the journey that she has to go through to move from her childhood to young adulthood, there are definitely some parallels there.”

According to Yancey, the movie’s central themes align with those in stories that audiences generally flock to. Beneath the movie’s dramatic disasters, such as monstrous tsunamis and infectious bird excrement, lies a story about how people behave in extremity, a plot that always generates debate and discussion. “What really sets this story apart at the heart of it is the characters and what drives them,” Yancey said.

“They really are just ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances. That’s the kind of story I love to read and see on film.”

At the end of the day, there are perks to sitting in the audience of a commercial, Hollywood movie like this one. The special effects are sparkly, the drama is juicy and the actors impossible not to encourage. Despite all the clichés that come with The 5th Wave, there’s no denying it’s going to be a great film to watch while enjoying a bag of popcorn and escaping Locust Walk for an hour or two. But whether or not it’s a film that sparks a conversation about the human condition? That's for you to decide.

EMILY SCHWARTZ

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FILM & TV

WHAT'S STREAMING RIGHT NOW Best show to watch if you’re in CRIM100: Making a Murderer (Netflix)

Best show to talk about at srat Rush: UnREAL (Lifetime)

Starring Constance Zimmer (who also played Dana Gordon, Ari Gold’s love interest in Entourage), UnREAL takes the audience behind the scenes of a dating competition reality show.

Filled with drama the audience never sees, skip The Bachelor and avoid being envious of all the girls Ben Higgins is kissing and notice how “unreal” the show may be...

The new hit show people can't stop talking about. This docu-series premiered on Netflix just as finals were wrapping up. Filmed over ten years, this show tells the story of Steven Avery, a man who served 18 years in prison for sexual assault. After he was exonerated, he was later accused of the murder of Teresa Halbach.

The course analyzes theories and data that predict the whom, where, and when of a crime.

Reference this show in class as a case study…it actually happened.

Best show to watch if you’re obsessing over Sean Penn’s awful Rolling Stone article about El Chapo: Narcos While winter hasn’t really started yet, (Netflix)

Best show to talk about at frat rush: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Netflix)

avoid noting the irony in the show’s name. The show tells the story of a few friends who own a neighborhood bar in the City of Brotherly Love. The gang is selfish, ignorant, and lazy… UnReality Magazine likes to call it “Seinfeld on crack.”

Best show to watch if you’re not rushing: The Great British Baking Show (Amazon)

While your friends are complaining about walking from house to house in heels and waiting outside before being ushered into the chapter room for a 45-minute chat, find an open kitchen in one of the high rises and learn how to make a delicious treat.

Best show to watch if you’re in CINE285: Project Greenlight (HBO)

The class is all about The Game. Watch Project Greenlight, a documentary that follows first-time filmmakers who are given the opportunity to direct a feature film.

You get to watch filmmaking from start to finish, giving your team an upper hand as you get your group assignments this week.

Check out Narcos, which tells the true story of the infamous drug kingpin Pablo Escobar.

Best show to watch if you’re in NURS102: Grey’s Anatomy Season 12 (Hulu) Before the winter premiere kicks off February 11th on ABC, binge-watch your favorite medical drama show that includes a midseason finale leaving the audience hanging.

Because you weren't going to do your reading anyway.

Whether you're just trying to avoid OCR or you need something to validate the idea that there's something even faker out there than the conversations you had during rush, we've compiled a list of the best shows streaming right now.

Best show to watch if you’re in MKT101: Mad Men (Netflix)

Jon Hamm won the Golden Globe, and Professor Niedermeier continues to reference the show throughout the semester. Now that the series is over, start streaming seasons 1-7 on Netflix and treat yourself to a DVD of the final season on Amazon. Consider it a good investment.

Best show to watch if you’re in FNCE100: Billions (Showtime)

While the first episode was made available via video on demand on January 1st, the series, which stars Paul Giamatti and Damian Lewis, premiered January 17th. It tells the story of a hedge fund king, Bobby Axelrod, who is stuck in an insider trading case. As you learn about uncertainty and the tradeoff between risk and return, you will already know how high the stakes are when you know too much before you sell high.

HALLIE BROOKMAN

Best show to watch if you're not doing OCR: Inside Amy Schumer (Amazon) You don't have to stress about your next coffee chat, so sit back, laugh, and enjoy the creator and star...A-Schu.

Best show to watch if you’re doing OCR: Shark Tank (Hulu)/Workaholics (Hulu) While you’re not trying to convince the OCR sharks to hire you, think of it as a way of learning how to sell yourself to the companies you’re interviewing at.

CREATIVE • BALANCED • SIMPLE 1608 SOUTH STREET • PHILADELPHIA, PA 215-790-0330 • ENTREEBYOB.COM J A N U A R Y 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

FILM & TV

MOVIES YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IN 2015, BUT PROBABLY DIDN'T It's not too late to become a film buff.

Break's over, the Canadian Geese have started flocking on Locust, and you have some catching up to do. If you're still pissed about that Carol snub (Ed. note: We are.) and questioning the #Oscarssowhite–ness of it all, drop the Academy altogether and take the road less Netflixed with some of our favorite independent movies from last year.

NICK JOYNER the conversations between the two characters, as they ride in taxis, smoke in the snow and discuss personal boundaries.

For freshmen with crushes on their TAs:

THE DIARY OF A TEENAGE GIRL

For the woke kids in Intro to Queer Studies: TANGERINE

Finally, a movie about transgender women starring transgender women. In this comedy—shot entirely on iPhone apps—sex worker Sin–Dee Rella and her best friend Alexandra tear up LA looking to enact some Christmas Eve revenge on the pimp that broke her heart. It’s got donut shops, crack pipes and cat fights, as well as some of 2015’s most heartbreakingly honest social commentary.

At times, The Diary of a Teenage Girl can be too much to stomach. But this female–directed coming–of–age drama delicately handles its taboo thematic content, following fifteen–year–old Minnie as she For the tortured (probably initiates a relationship with white and male) Compara- her mom’s boyfriend, who is tive Literature majors who 20 years her senior. With all the necessary complexity of a like to talk about post– situation so unsettling, Dimodernism in the lobby ary flawlessly explores sexual of Fisher Fine Arts: THE awakening, emotional dependence END OF THE TOUR and all the other shitty stuff most of It’s okay if you haven’t finished Infi- us have to deal with a few years later nite Jest. Nobody has. But it’s more than Minnie. sinful to have missed this intimate portrait of one of America’s most geFor the whiz kids applynius and troubled writers. The End ing to grad school: DOPE of the Tour follows Rolling Stone The college application process may reporter David Lipsky as he tags along on the last leg of David Foster seem like a distant nightmare to Wallace’s book tour. In a Linklater- most of us, but none of us had an esque style, the film rests entirely on interviewer who trapped us into

pushing molly. This comedy follows high school senior, Malcolm, who got caught up in a gang fight and has to sell drugs to get into Harvard. Featuring Zoë Kravitz, A$AP Rocky, Tyga and more, it’s hilarious and surprisingly profane, and you’ll wish you had as interesting of an essay topic for your Common App as Malcolm.

For the Cinema Studies majors who want a break from live action: ANOMALISA

The first animated film to win the Grand Jury Prize at Venice, this Charlie–Kaufman–directed–and–written treat is what all the strange intellectuals have been waiting for. Anomalisa centers on a disconnected self–help speaker and the relationship he develops with an emotionally–crippled woman attending his conference. The beautiful stop–motion is perfect for creating a portrait of a loner and his honest attempts at feeling.

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FOOD BOY: BEER-BATTERED

VICE & VIRTUE

ONION RINGS

Won't get you drunk, but still good as Gold(fish).

Welcome to Food Boy, Street’s weekly cooking column!

Easy, simple recipes. Common, inexpensive ingredients.

More homemade food porn for your Instagram. Served with a side of sauciness. Rihanna once said, “Come here, Food Boy, Boy! Can you cook it up?” Yep, and here’s how!

Leftover beer from rush? There’s always next year, gents. Until then, here’s a recipe to help you drown your sorrows in some homemade comfort food.

Crispy, cheesy and beer-y, these onion rings are the frat daddies of snack food. They’re baked, not fried, and coated in smashed Goldfish crackers instead of breadcrumbs. These simple switches cut down on the fat and carbs, so these onion rings won’t completely derail your New Year’s resolutions. Make these for your next party to impress your friends and (c)rushes.

PROCEDURE: 1. Preheat the oven to 450°.

2. Peel the onions and cut into ½ inch thick rounds.

3. In a bowl, mix the flour and beer. The consistency of the mixture should be pretty thick, like pancake batter.

4. In a plastic bag, smash the Goldfish crackers with a rolling pin, your calc textbook or your ex’s face, whichever is readily available. Smash enough Goldfish to have around 1 cup of crumbs. Put the crumbs in a bowl or on a plate.

5. Dip the onion rings in the flour/beer mixture, shake off any excess, and coat with the Goldfish crumbs.

6. Spread the onion rings in a single layer on a baking sheet and bake for 7–10 minutes, flip all the onion rings, and finish baking for another 7–10 minutes. When baking, keep an eye out during the second 7–10 minutes. They’ll be done once the edges of the onion itself start browning.

7. Serve immediately. Practice safe snacking by using condiments such as ketchup, ranch dressing, honey mustard or anything you like!

INGREDIENTS: (4 servings; $1.27/serving) • • • •

2 medium yellow onions (~$1.24 each/$0.99/lb from FroGro) 1 cup all–purpose flour ($1.59 for 32oz bag from FroGro) ¾ cup of your favorite beer (Varies, but if you find yourself needing to buy beer for this recipe, you’re doing it wrong. And by “it,” I mean LIFE.) 1 cup Goldfish crackers, smashed ($2.49/bag from FroGro or CVS)

TIPS AND TRICKS: No proper oven? No problem! You can also use a toaster oven; they often come with their own roasting pans. No need to preheat a toaster oven, so just set the dials to “Bake” and 450°. Also, you can add a tablespoon of Dijon mustard or a few dashes of hot sauce to the flour/beer mixture, if you have it. Oh, you fancy, huh?

FRANK AUGELLO

IF YOU THINK ONIONS ARE THE ONLY FOOD THAT MAKES YOU CRY YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY NEVER HAD A COCONUT THROWN AT YOUR FACE. CRAVING MORE WISDOM? CHECK US OUT ONLINE AT 34ST.COM. J A N U A R Y 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

5

COOL THINGS TO TRY IN

2016

VICE & VRITUE

You’ve already disappointed yourself and violated every one of your unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions. So instead of making a home for yourself under your covers and queuing up a random Netflix documentary (since you already binge–watched all the good content back in 2015), here are some better ways to spend your time in the new year.

C'mon, everyone's trying them.

1) SIPS AND SKATE For your inner alcoholic:

Dilworth Park | 1 South 15th Street

Start your evening by skating on the Rothman Institute Ice Rink at Dilworth Park and then head over to Rosa Blanca Café or the new Rothman Cabin to sip $3 beer, $4 wine or $5 seasonal mojitos.

Or maybe all of the above? Plus, all food is ten percent off, which renders it completely acceptable to order three appetizers. And maybe one more to take home.

Hours: 5–9p.m. every Wednesday $: Especially worth it if your date is paying. If not, treat yoself. Plus, ice skating is a workout, right? $5 admission, $9 skate rental.

CHLOE SHAKIN

2) PLEASE TOUCH MUSEUM For the girl who still laughs at SpongeBob:

4231 Avenue of the Republic | (215) 581–3168

The Please Touch Museum is the perfect place to go when your “Penn Face” game is too strong. Exhibits such as the Imagination Playground, an outdoor space filled with giant building blocks to make your own fantasy play areas and Wonderland, full of trippy optical illusions á la Alice, will unleash your (not–so) inner child and make you forget what BEPP stands for.

Hours: Monday–Saturday, 9a.m.–5 p.m.; Sunday, 11a.m.–5 p.m. $$: General admission for children and adults is $17 and it costs an additional $3 to ride the century–old Woodside Park Dentzel Carousel. But if you get together a group of fifteen or more to leave the dark confines of VP for an adventure, you can call for reservations and get group discounts.

3) FLOTATION PHILLY

If you're already hyperventilating about OCR: 534 East Girard Avenue | (609) 923–1913

Silent meditation is soooo 2015. Test out sensory deprivation at Flotation Philly, where you can float in an eight–by–four foot tank filled with water that has five times the salt content of the Dead Sea, which guarantees total buoyancy. If being confined in a dark, soundproof metal box for up to 90 minutes sounds like a claustrophobia–induced panic attack waiting to happen, you might want to sit this one out. However, according to research studies at the Medical College of Ohio, floating has been proven to alleviate stress, anxiety and depression. Regular floaters report pain relief and reduced muscle tension. But maybe that’s just due to the Xanax people are probably popping to be okay with being trapped inside a metal tomb.

Hours: 9 a.m.–9 p.m. Daily $$$: The shortest float, lasting 45 minutes, rings in at $45. Prices increase to $60 for a whopping 90 minutes spent floating.

4)PIZZERIA BEDDIA

For when you really need an upgrade from Allegro: 115 East Girard Avenue

Coined the best pizza in America by Bon Appétit Magazine, Pizzeria Beddia is situated on the nondescript corner of East Girard Avenue and Shackamaxon Street in Fishtown. It’s run by two employees, has no seating for customers or phone line and only serves 40 pies per day. Foodies beware: the commoner pizza we’re all used to will never taste the same after visiting this joint.

Hours: 5:30 p.m.-10:30 p.m. Wednesday–Saturday. If you get there an hour early, it's extremely likely that you'll still be waiting in line for over two hours. Translation: it's probably easier to assassinate the president. $$: $19–$23 per sixteen–inch pie, cash only.

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5) COREPOWER YOGA

For the people who cried after their last SoulCycle class over winter break:

1616 Walnut Street, Suite #B01 | (212) 515–2440

Core Power's website immediately greets you with perfectly chiseled bodies bending in ways you never thought were humanly possible.

With over 140 studios nationwide, CorePower’s motto, “see the difference between a workout that changes your body and one that changes your life,” speaks for itself. Classes range from beginner to advanced, with room temperatures that increase with difficulty up to 104 degrees Fahrenheit. Cult–favorite Yoga Sculpt classes are ideal for people who enjoy yoga but need something faster–paced. Plus, the music is awesome.

Hours: 6a.m.–10 p.m. Daily $$$: After your first complimentary visit, you'll receive one week of unlimited classes for FREE. But after that honeymoon phase, single classes cost $23.

ARTS

FASHION TRENDS TO

in

1. Sneaker Wedges This footwear trend was first spotted in 2012, and it reached its peak last year when a variety of brands came out with new color combinations and heights—the shoes even reached Rumor’s elevated surfaces last year. Why would you wear a shoe with all of the disadvantages of a sneaker and all of the problems of wearing heels? Not dressy enough to wear out, but too flashy to wear daily. They’re chunky, they’re lurid and they just aren’t cute. Next time you make a petition on Change. org to save the underwater basket weaving business of an Amazonian tribe from the claws of trans–national deforesting corporations, make another one to get the White House to ban these (#thanksObama).

2. Pajama pants in public College students straddle the fine line between comfort and sloppiness. Maybe you just needed to run to Wawa to get on that hazelnut–flavored coffee grind. Maybe you just want to be the next Hugh Hefner. Maybe you’ve been watching Making a Murderer for the past seventeen–and– a–half hours. Regardless, this trend can’t be justified.

Though fitted sweatpants are a must in your 2016 closet to keep up with the #comfychic and #athleisure trends, pajama pants should stay within the confines of your home. Seriously. (Ed. note: Theos can’t wear them anymore though, they've lost their joggers privileges.)

3. The Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge This sounds like a drinking

2015

game insecure freshmen play at a rush event to look cool before they end up getting wicked MERTed. Let’s set this straight: a full set of lips is gorgeous, but this is an absurd way to channel your inner Kylie. It works by loading a shot glass onto your lips and sucking, which induces negative pressure and makes your lips swell. If you suck hard enough, you can break the blood vessels and cause bruising—which makes you look like you’re pouting with a severe allergic reaction. It’s unsafe, and tbh, does it even look that attractive?

We're all for tradition, but some times you just have to cut the nostalgia and leave the past behind. Not sure whether your go–to fashion statements from 2k15 should transfer into your new year, new you wardrobe? Here's a cheat sheet for which items you should ditch alongside that fuckboy you were "dating" last year.

4. Rainbow Hair Sorry to ruin your dreams of being a real life human unicorn (or a Pilam brother hanging out outside of Van Pelt), but we consider it to be our moral duty here at Street to inform you why this is just straight up bad. First of all, the trend is really bad for your mane; it makes strands brittle and fades out your natural color. Dyeing your hair will always damage it, but the vibrant colors in this fashion trend are particularly damaging to your hair because they take longer to process and more bleach. Also, do you really want your new hair color to be called sunset, macaron,

chocolate chip or galaxy? Save it for your trip to Coachella.

5. Juicy Couture If there was a support group for survivors of the early–2000's fashion trends, wearers of Juicy Couture would flock to its meetings.

You should thus be scared to know that the brand has made a comeback, opening stores all over the country last spring.

If you haven’t had nightmares of the rhinestone–bedazzled tracksuits with "Juicy" plastered across the ass, then this is us mentally preparing you for when you see girls on Locust Walk in pink velour. Run far away, friends. Far, far away.

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ARTS

HOW TO DRESS WHEN THE WEATHER CAN'T GET ITSELF TOGETHER

MADISON BELL-ROSOF

A guide to dressing in this Brave New World of winter one day and summer the next

You may be happy about global warming screwing with the winter weather, but your closet isn’t. You promised to make room for a bulky jacket, but when the temperature spikes back up to Spring Fling weather, you find yourself wanting those jorts and tank tops again. How are you supposed to justify stuffing your carry–on with winter clothing last week when all of the seasons have blended into one? This is even more confusing than Urban Outfitters' ugly Christmas sweater line.

You admit that while you don’t totally hate the heat once in a while, it’s difficult to choose an outfit for an entire day that doesn’t make you look like a victim of weather confusion. You finally think maybe your Earth science class that fulfilled that godforsaken physical world requirement had some merit and you begin to curse humanity for watching too much Netflix and burning up the planet. You wonder if that’s actually how it works (and realize maybe you could answer that if you hadn't habitually skipped your Earth science class). Street thinks that before you begin to ponder the state of the universe, you should start by finding something to wear.

Most fashion blogs will tell you that the answer to all your seasonal problems is to layer, as if you were a cake or something. Layering isn't a bad idea, but we have some other ones to make your wardrobe work for winter and summer—since those are the same now, anyway.

1.

That scarf you bought? It may make a rather boring sweater look more fashionable, but come noon, you’re sweating. Instead, flaunt your scarf over to College Green and use it as a picnic blanket. Eating a Lyn’s wrap never felt so practical.

3.

The fleece you ordered at the beginning of the season might be helpful for a weekend ski trip or to make you look like you’re on the crew team.

But this winter, you might want to return it for something waterproof to protect you from the rain that was supposed to be snow.

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4.

2.

We understand that the gloves you got for Christmas didn’t take up that much room.

Even so, when it’s not cold enough to merit carrying them around in your bag to class, stuff them with some cotton balls and make them into ornamental wall–art birds. Your apartment was lacking some decoration, anyway.

If you’re investing in a hat, swap the knit one with the giant pom–pom for a black beanie. We hear everyone in LA has one, and it’s not even cold there.

5.

Your Ugg boots you brought to replace your sandals? We don’t have any suggestions for these. Why did you bring those back? Send them home.

LOWBROW

SNAPCHAT UPDATE REVEALS HOW MANY TIMES SELFIE WAS ATTEMPTED Armageddon is now upon us.

Snapchat, the app previously known as a sanctuary for the insecure to attempt as many duck–faced selfies as they please, has recently been updated to show the recipient how many tries it took for the sender to finally settle on the right snap. Naturally, there is unrest throughout the Penn community, and it’s sorority girls who are the most outraged.

We caught up with Penelope Dilworth (College '17), a junior in Omega Chi Epsilon Beta Rho Gamma, who is among those leading the charge in the fight against the revealing update.

Street: Why is this new update such a big deal to you?

Penelope Dilworth: Look, it takes me at least five tries to get anything close to a decent picture of myself—make that ten for my “woke up like this” snaps. It would be a disaster if that cute boy I’m trying to hook up with found out. His family owns a horse ranch in the Hamptons for Christ’s sake. I need a horse ranch in my life. 'Cause, I mean, on second thought, he’s not really that cute, but like, it’s the fucking Hamptons. Come on, I can’t mess this up.

Street: Do you think you might possibly be overreacting?

PD: This is putting my whole fucking life in jeopardy. Do you know how incredible it feels to have a 79–day snap streak? How am I supposed

to keep that going in a world where I’m forced to live in constant fear of people realizing that I’m not as perfect as social media makes me seem?

I did not actually wake up like this!

Street: So what are you gonna do about it?

PD: Thousands of Penn students and graduates have accomplished amazing things.

I’m no different from them.

I will fix this. So, yeah, fuck Snapchat.

lamented. “It’ll usually take me at least seven attempts before I’m able to take an okay one. I can’t afford to have the kids I bullied in high school know that I have a soft side.”

Unfortunately, it seems as if these students’ woes will persist, as we’ve heard no

rumblings of a possible repeal of the update. It appears that veiled vanity no longer has a place in this mad world of ours.

Similar notions were shared by an offensive tackle for the football team, Leroy Carter (Wharton '16). “I like to act tough, but sometimes when I take a picture of myself in the morning, my hair sticks up in the back,” Carter

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LOWBROW

​ ENN STUDENTS NOW IN SUPPORT OF P GLOBAL WARMING DUE TO RECENT WEATHER TRENDS Fear of receding glaciers proves to be no match for love of salmon shorts.

An ever–increasing population of students is coming out of the woodwork each day proclaiming their support for the fight against the fight against global warming, citing the strangely warm winter as their inspiration for their change of heart. After decades of college students throughout America professing their supposed undying backing of global warming prevention efforts, one has to question the legitimacy of such a change. According to these students, their allegiance to global warming will not waver.

Nigel Pilkington (Wharton ‘17), perhaps the most fervent global warming supporter on campus, is adamant that the movement is legitimate: “Yeah, global warming is bad for the

environment and stuff, but how awesome is being able to wear shorts in December? I think we can spare a few polar bears for that. I’ll just let my grandkids deal with the consequences.”

Some unexpected parties are hopping on the bandwagon, such as the Democratic one.

Four–year Penn Democrats member Timmy Wilkins (College ‘16) is facing some criticism from fellow Dems as a result of his new stance.

“Global warming is blown out of proportion, anyway.

All these politicians are just pandering to the snowman demographic,” Wilkins explained. “How the fuck will buying a Prius and recycling my beer cans make the world any safer? America will only

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be made great again if we get to the point where it’s summer year–round. Recycling bins are undemocratic, anyway."

Ever–proactive, these controversial students are already doing all that they can to ensure that the weather

remains as warm as possible.

Many of them are sneaking into Huntsman at night and printing thousands of sheets of paper, while others are making it a habit to take two–hour long showers before class in the morning. A small group of students are even protesting to

PEOPLE

YOU SAT NEXT TO ON AN AIRPLANE OVER WINTER BREAK

2. The guy who should have bought two plane tickets and keeps offering you Nilla Wafers to make up for the fact that your seat is now a third of its actual size.

3. The woman who interrogates you to find out if you’d be a suitable match for her son.

4. The seven–year–old who will never forgive you once you badmouth the Frozen soundtrack.

5. The really nervous tween girl who chose 50 Shades of Grey as her in–flight movie and can’t stop giggling, blushing and checking to see if her mom is coming down the aisle.

6. The guy who steals your pillow while you aren’t looking and lies about it when you ask why he has two.

7. The baby whose mom

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refuses to pay attention to him and therefore thinks your arm is a suitable substitution for whatever state–of–the– art teething toys its mother brought for him.

8. The grown man in a suit who you think looks like a perfectly fine flight buddy, but as soon as he falls asleep, you become painfully aware he’s having a sex dream.

Of course, many are still very much opposed to the pro–global warming crowd.

POLAR BEARS KEEP WARM THANKS TO NEARLY TEN CM OF BLUBBER UNDER THE SKIN.

You probably should have chosen to go to school somewhere closer to home.

1. The preteen boy who refuses to play his Nintendo DS on anything but full volume, but you’re afraid to say anything because he’ll badmouth you on Twitter, and he has more followers than you.

rebrand the environmentally friendly HipCityVeg into HipCityPork, an eatery that would solely serve meat products, as well as sweet potato fries.

figure 1.

9. Two people. Because sitting in the middle fucking sucks. figure 1.

TEXT OUR PHOTO DIRECTOR FOR DAILY POLAR BEAR FACTS @ (610) 761-2412