22 West Magazine - 2022 April Issue

Issue 88.02 · Apr 04, 2022 · 22westmedia.com

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LETTER FROM AN EDITOR

MAGAZINE STAFF Andres Leon, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@22westmedia.com Jensen Puckett, Managing Editor managingeditor@22westmedia.com Avery Keller, Lead Copy Editor copyeditor@22westmedia.com Lianna Schieber, Distribution Manager distributionmanager@22westmedia.com Jake Winkle, Art Director artdirector@22westmedia.com Arielle Zepeda, Graphic Design Intern

COVER DESIGN Andrew Tran, Designer

I

t’s April. We’re in a bit of a silly mood right now at 22 West Media. Mainly me to be honest. I forced everyone who contributed to this magazine to be funny for one month

or else I was going to make our budget go towards printing one thousand “choose your own adventure” issues. It would have been awesome and entailed you, the reader reading this right now, to make your very own issue of this magazine. Thirty two pages of blank magazine paper, imagine that? Your note could have gone here. You could have written 15 articles. You could have illustrated various art pieces.

It would have been unique, like one of those NFTs. But it’s not. We’re in control. You’re reading this mass produced magazine. We live in a society and 22 West Magazine is in control. We are and always will be. There’s so many topics that we touch on this issue. Places to worship Satan, gender neutral bathrooms, squirrels and why hating things is okay. I unironically believe that this edition reaches so many different issues that society refuses to address.

Jokes aside, I present to you the jokes from our team and more. Enjoy.

- ANDRES LEON, EDITOR IN CHIEF

VOLUNTEER MEETINGS Tuesday @ 4PM Zoom ID: 883 7808 9878 Passcode: Mag!

CONTACT US Email: info@22westmedia.com Mail: 1212 Bellflower Blvd, Suite 108 Long Beach, CA 90815 Disclaimer and Publication Information: 22 West Magazine is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of their individual authors, not the magazine, ASI nor LBSU. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, LBSUstudents will have precedence.

Please include name and major for all submissions.

They are subject to editing and will not be returned.

Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. 22 West Magazine will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. 22 West Magazine assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

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GRUNION

ILLUSTRATION BY ARIELLE ZEPEDA

BY JUDE SAMPSON

THE GENDER NEUTRAL RESTROOM IS NOT YOUR RUNWAY

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I am a transmasculine student on the campus of LBSU and I need to go pee.

As of late, I am out to almost everyone in my life. As my world adapts and the people I cherish most use my new name and pronouns, I find myself thrown in the deep end of a society built around the separation of the alleged two genders that exist- because I think they are still narrowing down if cisgender men are real.

For a period of time this semester, I used women’s bathrooms around campus. It was muscle memory at first; I saw that voluptuous triangular woman on the door and headed in to do my business. It wasn’t until I was washing my hands next to a line of women waiting for a stall that I could feel eyes on me. I don’t blame them. With my short hair, bound chest, and wardrobe belonging to what could be one of the Sprouse twins in their “Suite Life” era, I looked like I stumbled into the wrong bathroom. I lived and presented as a woman for the first seventeen years of my life, so I sensed the energy in the room the second I stepped out of the stall. I know they were uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable. After this, I only had one option: brave the men’s restroom.

I can only describe the trek to no woman’s land as an affliction upon the timeline that is my life. The men’s restroom is a deceptive beast. It has no line, no shortage of toilet paper, and no shortage of hand soap, which is concerning, but for me, convenient. However, these pros cannot outweigh the number one con: being perceived by men. Actual decades are shaved off of my life when I get clocked by a guy who I know is about to leave the restroom without washing his hands. I do not know what causes their eyes

to linger. I mean, I am the epitome of masculinity. My hips are wide, my chest isn’t flat, and did I just take a tampon out of my bag? Hell yeah, I did. I know it must be hard to not be as manly as me, but sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches.

The awkward staring contest I held once a day in the men’s restroom was so unbearable that after a week I called it quits. I avoided water and liquids in general so as to not awaken whatever abnormal urges I had to urinate, considering both restrooms found my need to do so almost criminal. During these dark days I have dubbed “Pushing P,” I found myself in a Western standoff with the campus. My spurs kicked up dust as I walked around in search of any solution. Tumbleweeds bounced around me, the trans people of discrimination’s past tipped their hats at me, and my guns were drawn at signs that read “Women” and “Men.” I only lowered my weapons when I found myself exploring the area around the fine arts buildings. Tucked away by the University Telecommunications Building was a structure beyond my wildest dreams.

A bright light shone from the heavens.

Birds chirped. The winds blew a tune. Angles sung.

I had encountered the gender-neutral restroom.

It was the Taj Mahal of bathrooms. The Beyoncé of latrines. The HBO Max of lavatories.

The beige walls beckoned me inside. The creaky metal shelf arbitrarily placed on the wall cheered me on. The full-length mirror wrapped me up in a warm hug. The soap dispenser said trans rights. I had never felt so at home inside of a place where I come only to relieve myself.

However, some of you do not go in only to relieve yourselves. I can sense it. The bath-

• Tune into all six seasons of “The Sopranos” • Walk for Prada in Milan Fashion Week 2022 (you will have to travel back in time for this one) • Befriend one of the creatures from the Jim Henson classic “Labyrinth” • Create a new element to add to the periodic table (for they/them’s in STEM) • Listen to Rhianna’s entire discography (in preparation for the baby) • Invite three men to a Greek island for your wedding to determine which one is your biological father • Single-handedly end the phenomenon of men starting podcasts • Become an old-timey detective and solve a caper • Get slimed onstage at the Nick Kids Choice Awards • Challenge JK Rowling to a fistfight (and win)

room and I are so in tune with one another that it tells me all of your secrets, and it tells me what you people do in there while my bladder bareknuckle boxes itself in the midst of me waiting for a vacancy. I was also shocked to learn from the bathroom that my time is being wasted by a group hellbent on tormenting my daily life: cisgender people.

I do not hate cisgender people. I have a cisgender mother and father. Some of my best friends are cisgender. I just wish that they would consider my feelings before forcing me to encounter them, as it causes me and the gender-neutral restroom a great deal of stress. So understand this, cis people: The gender-neutral restroom is not your runway. It is not your therapist’s office, your hotbox, your ford truck month, or whatever you people like to do for fun. It is my sacred space.

If you are cisgender, please know that your allyship towards trans people rests solely on how long you take in the gender-neutral restrooms. I have been having to wait outside of it for almost five minutes some days. It honestly feels like a calculated attack against the trans community. If you were truly an ally, you would know that the unspoken rule is that you have one minute and thirty-seven seconds to get in and out of that bathroom. That means no tying your shoes, no taking pictures of your outfit in the mirror, no reorganizing your backpack, no inhaling oxygen, and no pondering your thoughts. As a trans student on this campus, the alienation I feel from the gendered restrooms is too great for you to be wasting time in the only one I feel comfortable in.

As for trans students, here is a list of ways you are allowed to waste time in the gender-neutral restrooms:

…and so on and so forth.

I will leave you with this: being trans is hard. Being trans on a college campus is hard. To have my only beacon of hope be a gender-neutral restroom that becomes overrun with cisgender people who dare to urinate? That’s hard. They go to the bathroom in a boring, clinical way.

My fellow trans students and I use the bathroom in a barrier-breaking, fever dream-inducing kind of way. To attempt to understand this experience as a non-trans person is futile.

The words that precede these might seem exclusionary. To assume this, you would be right. Exclusion is the bare minimum of what I am capable of.

It is a great skill I learned as a limited-time user of the men’s restroom.

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GRUNION

ILLUSTRATION BY ARIELLE ZEPEDA

Best Places To Worship Satan On Campus I t’s that time of year again! We are back on campus and people are starting to ask the big questions. It’s all you hear, “where is the best place to study?” or “where is the best place to worship king Satan?” Well, look no further because you are in luck. For those who have never been to campus or are in need of a refresher, we will go from some of the more well-known spots to ones that only appear to those who are worthy. Here is a rundown of the top-tier places that will help with all your Satan-worshiping needs this semester. Who knows, you might even run into fellow worshipers while checking out these must-visit locations at Long Beach State University.

The Walter Pyramid This first place is a classic. Everyone knows the infamous Walter Pyramid, but whether or not they know what it is used for is a different story.

Yes, of course most people know it as a stadium that houses our basketball team, however, that isn’t the whole truth. If you have ever wondered how they power such an enormous indoor stadium, the answer is simple. Its power comes from the depth of hell itself and was forged to worship the man, the myth, the legend, Satan.

It makes sense. Have you heard of the Illuminati?

Walter Pyramid is where they all come together for their meetings every month.

Think about it, a huge triangle-shaped building with more than 4,000 seats in it. What else would those seats be used for other than the butts of the Illuminati themselves? All of these factors make this spot a perfect place to worship Satan himself. It is in such a convenient spot. You could stop on your 30-minute walk

“What else would those seats be used for other than the butts of the Illuminati themselves?”

from the parking lot to class or during your lunch break. It might have a bit of foot traffic, but don’t let that stop you from worshiping your soul away.

So, make sure to hit that basketball court!

Oh, and don’t forget your ouija boards!

The Library Basement From horror movies to your grandparent’s creepy house, going into basements is never a good idea. However, we are here for creepy in fact, we live for it. When it comes to worshiping the big man, dark and secluded areas are a must! Don’t be scared… or do. That is kind of the whole point. Our second spot is opposite the Pyramid, the basement of the library gets little to no foot traffic, and is a great spot to get your daily worship count in. I mean, have you ever seen a horror movie that doesn’t have a terrifying basement somewhere in it?

Since the lower level of the library is used for study groups, you will have a big empty space mostly to yourself. One might even say that it is the perfect area to draw your pentagrams.

Make sure to bring a pal! After all, this is a group study floor. Which makes this the perfect place to make and bring friends who share the same lifestyle as you. And remember to have fun!

The Performing Arts Theatre Next up, we have the theatre, the place where the souls of failed acting careers will haunt for eternity. Some say you can still hear the musical theatre majors singing in the hallways, preparing for their big audition.

Hollywood is a hot spot for Satan. It is where all his top clientele come from, so of course, he would love the theatre. In fact, Los Angeles is home to some of the biggest Satanist communities out there. This place is arguably one of the scariest spots on campus. It has a big stage for you to set up your shrine and don’t forget to light some candles to set the mood and get into character.

BY LAUREN GALVAN If you are looking for the right place to do a little worship or perhaps a nice spot to sell your soul for a decent acting career, the theater should be your next scene to check out. So if you don’t get the big lead in the next musical, don’t worry about it. Satan’s got your back! And you don’t have to go very far to get in touch with him.

Although this is a bit of a heavy-traffic area, don’t let that discourage you from belting out your love for Satan! Be loud and be proud.

The Sometimes Chair Finally, if you know the sometimes chair, then you are one of the few, and very lucky, who have been chosen by Satan himself. The chair is an invitation. Every now and then, there is an enchanting chair in a nice little secluded spot under the stairs that overlooks the pool.

If you ever find yourself walking to the “Hollywood is a hot spot for Satan. It’s where all his top clientele come from, so of course, he would love the theatre” upper campus, make sure to look out for it and don’t get discouraged if you can’t find the sometimes chair. It only shows itself to those who are the most dedicated to the King of Hell.

If he thinks you are ready, then you will see it. It will call to you and consume you until you finally rest your butt on the most mediocrely amazing chair you have ever rested on.

This one is a little more advanced of a spot, so make sure to try out the other ones listed before venturing to the chair under the stairs. It has never appeared to me, and I am definitely not bitter about it. If you have yet to see it, that should only motivate you to worship harder and dedicate more time to seeking out the dark forces.

If it makes itself known to you, don’t be afraid. All it is is an invitation to worship Lucifer like you never have before, and I envy you for that.

Give them hell! Literally. Give them hell.

Raise the dead. Worship the dark lord and have fun while doing it. All hail the dark king!

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FEATURE

ILLUSTRATION BY MADISON HOIBY

BY CAROLINE SMITH

KIDNAPPED & KICKIN’ BACK YOU WON’T BELIE VE WHAT I WENT THROUGH TO GET THIS INTERVIE W

Like many great mysteries of the world, @csulbcuriosities was once but a little pile of filth in the night. But very quickly, that filth turned into a landfill of grime. The humble Instagram account boasts just over one thousand followers and it continues to grow and fester like a blister in the sun. They emerged from the wave of LBSU-oriented Instagram accounts such as @csulbaffirmations and @csulbconfessions.

These accounts bond the student community together like free food in the University Student Union building.

The mission of @csulbcuriosities is not a malicious one, it only seeks to admire the strange, absurd, and unusual phenomena that make our campus the magnificently mundane locale it is. Their posts often include some socks on the ground, taxidermy creatures deep in the fine arts buildings, or mysterious substances in the dining halls.

I reached out to @csulbcuriosities to organize an interview, but of course, the master requested measures to be taken to protect their anonymity. I was told to meet them in the trash can where all the student pottery gets dumped.

When the sun set, I waited for a figure to come my way, but instead the lid was put over my head and I heard, “Can’t have you snitching on me, can I?” I was taken to a second location, and I woke up in a room with a singular, hazy light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

The master blends with the shadows, I could never tell their true form. It was as if they were the darkness itself. Their body was baba-

dook or slenderman-esque, but their mannerisms were squirrel-like. They moved in fluidity, like a water balloon filled with Cran-Mango. They seemed like the kind of being that was always at the right place at the right time. And despite their mysterious appearance, they were very comforting and friendly.

“Sorry for tying you to the chair and stuff, but are you comfortable? Can I get you anything? Would like a sandwich?” The master spoke with a thousand voices, but also no voice at all. The master handed what appeared to be a sandwich, but it was really just cardboard with a slice of ham in it. My “glass of water” was a mug that said “Drama Queen” filled with dust and lint.

“The master blends with the shadows, I could never tell their true form”

world around them.”

What are your favorite kinds of submissions?

“What a great question, Caroline Maria Smith.

My favorite submissions are the ones that involve the students themselves, being at their silliest.

The ones that are uncalled for, but completely called for. However, I don’t like to make fun of people, just simply admiring that we can all be a bit curious. I especially like the dead fish in the gardens, the mask on the bathroom floor, and the flyers with the young man advertising his cereal eating. The strange makes me go absolutely cray-cray.”

What are your least favorite submissions?

“Shit that aren’t dope as hell.”

Any word on your love affair with @lb_ confess?

“Sorry there’s no food in the shadow realm,” they shrugged. The master watched as I pretended to eat the sandwich, tossing it behind me. When I assured them that it was tasty, we started the interview.

Why are you so dedicated to staying anonymous?

“The second any detail comes out about me– gender, age, major– the magic is ruined. The people should think I’m everything and nothing to them. I exist only to impart curiosity about the

“Our love is mutual. Out of respect for our craft and I wish them a wondrous journey.”

What is the best possible curiosity you could find?

“I’m searching for something that will change the world. I often compare it to Gal Gadot’s ‘Imagine.’”

Favorite food?

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“I think my favorite toe on me personally is gonna be my ring toe because I think it’s a little bit messed up looking” “Grass.”

Favorite toe?

“Hmm… There’s so many good ones. I think my favorite toe on me personally is gonna be my ring toe because I think it’s a little bit messed up looking. At this point the figure started hacking, loud and crunchy. “Excuse me” they said, continuing to cough until a squirrel spilled from their mouth. The master burped rancorously in my face. “I thought it was my pepto,” they said as they watched the squirrel scurry away.

Take us back to the day that @csulbconfessions was born.

“Well it was the happiest day of my life,” the master smiled, like a mother about their newborn baby. “I was having a normal day, just catching up with my buddies, the chupacabra and the Fresno skinwalker, in the Carl’s Jr. in the USU and I was walking back to my car– er I guess it’s more like a tandem bike, but it’s invisible, cuz I walk actually. Anyways, I was walking by the grass and I saw this squirrel, just scurrying around. I stood there admiring it for a while and I noticed the most, get this, curious thing. The squirrel had a double chin.”

The master grinned and giggled, their smile like a devious little leprechaun.

“And with that I just thought, isn’t that wonderful. It made me feel like I understood poetry. Life had so many colors all of a sudden. I realized that I loved life, and this was exactly where I wanted to be.

Who knew that this little school, hardly even in LA county, had so much curious power.

This squirrel, with its double chin, shoving an acorn in the dirt, had this power to make me so excited in the tiny aspects of life. There had to be more like him.

That’s when I knew I had to start CSULB curiosities.”

Then the master paused, and thought very hard for a moment.

“Wait, no. That was Claremont Mckenna. No yea, the first curiosity I saw here was a pair of chonies on the bathroom floor. But you get the idea.”

After that, with silent tears, the master patted my shoulder and left me alone in the room to think of the conversation I just had.

What a great and insignificant moment in time, to speak to such an entity whose only wish is to see others experience the same curiosity and love of life that they did.

It took me a while to free myself from the chair, and when I escaped the room, it turned out that I was only in a custodial closet in Liberal Arts 1 this whole time.

How… curious.

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GRUNION

ILLUSTRATION BY STACEY CHEN

BY JOEY MARTINEZ

T R E E C H R O N I C L E S ˚ ˚ SPENDING 12 HOURS STRAIGHT SITTING UNDER A TREE ON LONG BEACH STATE CAMPUS

9 a.m.

I have come unfortunately unprepared with no food, no water. Just a guy, his surroundings, and some books. Pretty sweet set up for a tree though so part of me believes this whole thing won’t be so bad. At least it’s nice out. It’s one of those days where we dance around 70 degrees.

Very few people come through campus on a Friday morning and it’s still too early for much general life to be about. It’s peaceful, so I think I’m going to start out by reading before the sun starts baking me later.

10 a.m.

Pretty simple first hour. Nothing’s changed.

My butt doesn’t hurt so that’s a plus. You know Target sells lawn chairs for $40? Why would they do that when they also sell this $14 one that doesn’t entirely suck.

11 a.m.

It’s hitting me right now that I didn’t charge my phone last night and the little I did get to charge it before I left my dorm is only going to last me until maybe 1 or 2 p.m. if I keep using it. I don’t even think I can keep listening to Earth, Wind & Fire, the greatest producers of soul ever, anymore or else my 20% won’t last. Guess it’s time to really start getting into the mindset of a tree soon.

1 p.m.

My editor in chief Andres Leon recognized me and we met in-person for the first time. I felt weird given the circumstances, that being that I’m running on maybe three or four hours of sleep. I’m getting seriously hungry and I couldn’t get up. Brutal lesson: Trees can’t dap people up.

2 p.m.

The sun has finally positioned itself so that it shines directly at me. I don’t know what it is, but direct sunlight like this just makes me super tired. I’m extremely comfortable in my chair too. That’s what sucks though. I could totally fall asleep right now and have the best nap of my life, but I can’t. I am moving in and out of sleep and the only thing keeping me up is the need to stay awake to make sure my stuff doesn’t get

taken. I just gotta keep fighting it.

3 p.m.

This is stupid.

4 p.m.

This is the best and I am literally the luckiest guy ever. My phone was at 5% and I got a call from a job I applied for almost 2 months ago asking for an interview. A squirrel has also decided to eat and hang right by me for the better part of an hour. I’ve named him Paco. He’s a little dude who I heard rummaging behind me and when I put out my hand to him like you would to a cat he came up to me and looked at my palm as if I was going to feed him. Even though I had nothing for him though he’s still sticking around right by me.

5 p.m.

Everything is falling apart. Paco is gone and I don’t know where he went. No more funny squirrel munching sounds and watching him chase off other squirrel trespassers on his domain. My phone is completely dead so I’m going to have to rely on my laptop from here on.

The chair has decided to give out because I kept resting my elbow and subsequently my entire upper body on one arm of the chair. I am now sitting on the ground for the rest of the time here with my only saving grace now being two friends of mine picking up food for me. Hopefully that sweet sweet Chick-Fil-A will keep me going.

6 p.m.

A friend of mine happened to have been walking by and grabbed one of the outdoor chairs between two buildings for me. Not as comfy as the lawn chair, but definitely an improvement above the ground. The food also came in.

Awesome. Best part of this whole tree thing is the whole getting food without moving deal. But I guess trees don’t have to beg their friends to take their debit cards and pick up some sustenance.

7 p.m.

It has gotten really cold really fast over the last hour. This is the hardest the day has been and I think it’s only going to get worse. The warmth

from my laptop as I write is the only thing helping my hands right now so I’m just going to keep typing. The weird thing about the last ten hours is how simultaneously I’ve talked to and interacted with no one, and how much I’ve gotten out of the select few conversations I’ve actually had. I think there’s something very strange but valuable in the occasion of talking to someone then being forced to sit in complete silence while they get to go off and get distracted by the rest of their day.

I consider myself someone who finds a lot of value in the little interactions with people I talk to whether they are close friends or random strangers I’ll never meet again. But sitting here, being forced to be subdued in thought of every interaction I’ve had because there’s nothing else to distract myself with anymore, has really been doing something to my head.

The way we communicate and give each other little information through the slightest actions is immensely undermined by the next distraction we give ourselves just a few seconds later.

Maybe this is the answer I’ve been looking for when wondering why people can be so dismissive of others’ issues and flaws as something they can just go ahead and dislike them for rather than thinking for a moment that this person really, genuinely, doesn’t know any better and the signs that they don’t are clear.

Or maybe I’m just trying to keep my hands from freezing right now.

9 p.m.

I’m writing this ten minutes before nine so that I can just hurry up and get out of here. Everything was good and fine, the weather, the people, the seat. It’s just the last quarter that really made this horrible because for the last two hours, everything’s been gone. No sun, no people, the comfortable seat has been replaced by a metal chair getting just as cold as everything else.

I hope you’ve found some semblance of a lesson in all this. What I’ve found is don’t be a tree.

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GRUNION

ILLUSTRATION BY ARIELLE ZEPEDA

BY LAUREN GALVAN

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

SKADOOSH MY HEART LOVE LIKE THIS IS RARE, WHO’S TO STOP A SOUL FROM REACHING OUT? It was a Wednesday morning during the first week of the spring semester. I can remember it so clearly. It was my first day, and I was late for class because I got lost looking for the right room. You were the mysterious seven-footsomething bear of a man, striking a pose in the Fine Arts 4 Building at Long Beach State University, and I was the one that couldn’t stop staring at how majestic and graceful you looked.

It felt as though you and I were the only ones in the room and that nothing else mattered. I haven’t been able to stop thinking of you since.

I wanted to say something to you, but I was too nervous about you not feeling the same way.

“I wanted to say something to you, but I was too nervous about you not feeling the same way”

You had fine white and black hair that covered your body from head to toe. I was the curlyhaired girl with glasses and hearts in her eyes.

Also, I couldn’t help but notice the little smirk or smolder you were giving me as I walked by. I dream of that smirk. In fact, I was so distracted by it that I tripped and I was so embarrassed, but you didn’t even laugh, you just smiled at me without a hint of judgment. It’s like you know what it feels like to be different. You know what it’s like to not fit in.

Call me crazy, but I feel like I wasn’t alone in feeling a spark because you didn’t move a muscle the entire time. It was like you were frozen in time with me. Also, I honestly have no idea how you held that pose for so long, you must do yoga or something. You didn’t even look strained, and I swear I never even saw you breathe. You looked so at peace. Maybe you could teach me sometime. Honestly, you didn’t move a single muscle, it was like you were a statue or something. Listen to me! I sound ridiculous.

that embarrassing to admit?

I don’t know what it was, but I felt like I’ve known you my whole life, or since 2008, and that we were like characters in a movie. We were a reallife Romeo and Juliet, and nothing could come between us. When I first laid eyes on you, it felt like I finally found inner peace.

I know there is a very small chance that you will ever see this, but I thought I would try. So, if you felt the same connection that I did that day in the Fine Arts 4 Building, you can email me at kungfupandalover22@aol.com. I will be waiting for you, dragon warrior of my heart. With all my heart, I believe we were truly a missed connection.

I don’t know what it was, but I feel like you are someone who could protect me, care for me, and make sure I am fed throughout the day. You probably give great big bear hugs, and I can’t think of anything more perfect. I did think it was a bit strange that you weren’t wearing a shirt or shoes, but that just tells me that you are a free soul who no one can tell what to do.

I couldn’t help but notice how big your hands were, although now that I think about it, they were more like paws. However, you definitely need to do something about those long clawlike fingernails. Nonetheless, I dream (works) about those hands and all I want to do is Wuxi finger hold your hands more than anything. Is

To be honest, I thought it was strange when a random person walked up and slapped your foot as you did your stance, but maybe he was just a friend. I’ve been too scared to return to the Fine Arts Building, but maybe once I work up the courage, I will see you again. I pray you will be there. Maybe we could even go out to eat or something. I know a great dumpling spot if that’s what you are into.

A wise man once told me, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.” I think his name was Oogway or something. I can’t remember.

P.S. I hope none of this scared you away! And if anyone knows him, please reach out to me.

“To be honest, I thought it was strange when a random person walked up and slapped your foot as you did your stance…”

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GRUNION

ILLUSTRATION BYARIELLE ZEPEDA

BY JUDE DE LUNA

THE MOST EPIC PRANKS TO PLAY THIS APRIL A COMPILATION OF THE GOOFIEST AND SILLIEST IDEAS FOR TINY PRANKS! Participate in class!

When your professor asks a question and it’s dead silent amongst you and your classmates, step up to the plate! Even if you get an answer Ask your friends how they’re doing! wrong, who cares? You’ll be memorable as Talk to and visit your parents!

Your friends have been looking a little down the class clown. Also, try interacting with your It’s been a while since you’ve talked to your lately. Maybe it’s the school work, their actual classmates! Instead of bolting to the door the parents, right? Wouldn’t it be insane if second it’s time to go, stick around and talk you actually called them back and let about what a hoot the class is. I guarantee “Block everything related to them on them know about how you’re doing? you’ll get them for sure! all platforms, even their mom that You’ll definitely surprise them! Even you promised to play badminton crazier – going back home and giving Put premium gas in your friend’s car! with.” them a hug. Make sure to bring them Gas is so expensive nowadays at almost This month, you might want to pull some totally crazy pranks. You wild animal! Here’s an outrageous list of savage af jokes to play on the people in your life. Get some laughs and have some fun.

laundry that should’ve been done weeks ago?

Take care of it all by yourself! I bet your housemates will FLIP.

flowers to really seal the deal.

Do all of the chores in your home!

You and your housemates have been extremely busy lately, and the toll of an unkempt home is noticeably getting worse on all of you. All of the dust piling up on the furniture, the dishes in the sink, the trash cluttered in the rooms, or the

work, or personal matters. Take the time out of your day to be there for them and listen to their rants. It can help for the better, but that doesn’t matter. Ultimately it’s an intense prank that only you can pull off!

$7 a gallon. Imagine your friend’s surprise when they see a full tank of the most expensive and premium option! Their face will be hilarious. Also, this is a bonus prank on your bank account! The bank will call you about this suspiciously large purchase but you can laugh right in their ear and tell them all about this wacky prank. They’ll definitely laugh right

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back with you and note this down for their future shenanigans.

Get revenge on all of the people who have slighted you.

There they are again. It could be the person who didn’t hold the door open for you.

It could be the person who pushed you when they walked past you. It could be the person who cut you off when you were just about to get on the escalator. Either way, none of these people respect you. Why should you respect them?

Here’s what you do. First, you befriend them.

Go up to them and strike a conversation. Surely, they won’t remember when they first wronged you, so they’ll be friendly. But, you remember.

You always remember.

Plan to get closer to them. Of course, you’re sacrificing your dignity as you hang out with them, but you’re playing the long game. Build the most meaningful relationship of your life with this person. Share your deepest and darkest secrets. Create new memories and make plans for the future with them. It will be so funny. Do some innocent gag along the way, like a couple of the pranks listed above. They’ll laugh and say you’re the most hilarious friend they’ve ever had and that they’re glad to have you in their life, but remind yourself of your true intentions. Never let your guard down.

This final step is the most important. Ghost them. Ghost them completely and don’t look back. Block everything related to them on all platforms, even their mom that you promised to play badminton with. Take back what once was yours: your pride and self-respect.

One day, you’ll be walking, minding your business, but you’ll see them once again. They’ll look at you in disbelief and try to go up to you, but you can just cackle at their misery and walk away. You won. No one will ever dare to slight you again.

Take care of yourself (*^▽^*)!

After spending your time cooking up some wild jokes, you might be wondering how to end your hilarious escapades. However, there is one more person that you forgot to prank: yourself!

Do something for yourself that you wouldn’t normally do. Order your favorite takeout, prepare a bubble bath, and listen to your favorite music. ULTIMATE PRANK!

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SOMEONE NEEDS TO PUT A STOP TO THESE MENACES BEHIND THE CURTAIN

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GRUNION

PHOTO COURTESY OF 22 WEST

SQUIRRELS EAT THEIR OWN BABIES

A

re squirrels good for anything? This is what popped up when I searched the word, “squirrel” on Google and it turns out they are nature’s gardeners according to the University of Florida’s News “Science & Wellness” section. However, I hate Florida and I really hate squirrels so that isn’t true.

The second question that popped up after that was,”do squirrels eat their babies?” I don’t want to do more research so I’m deciding here that this article is a scientific journal and that squirrels do eat their babies on the basis of because I said so. I even made it the title so it’s doubly true. And I’m the editor-in-chief so it’s triply true.

I’ll tell you what they are good for. Stealing, marauding, tax evasion, grand theft, embezzlement and looking hideous. They scour the campus in search of their next mark, their next score. Some people are silly enough to feed the brown rats willingly by offering food out of the palm of their own hands. This only conditions them to embrace the mindset that the world belongs to them and we, students of LBSU, will kneel at their beckon.

Remember the seven deadly sins? These little kangaroo wanna-be’s are the face of gluttony. If you give them an inch, they’ll run a lap around the entire campus. With their beady, little, dead eyes, shielding the devious thoughts they have after decades of conditioning to optimize their devious plans. They’ve only grown hungrier over the pandemic when the campus was empty. Now that we’re back, we have no choice but to endure their onslaught of harassment while we try to live our lives on campus.

Every night before I go to bed, I pray that I won’t have to come face to face with a squirrel. I’m only a measly college student who can’t defend himself.

At 22 West Media, we have employees who have suffered the wrath of these fiends.

We have our own support group to work through the traumas that we face when near the squirrels. Multimedia manager Jesse Mar Rameriz

told me about a time he was enjoying his lunch, a nice and simple pesto pita bread sandwich.

“It happened so quickly. I had just finished doing all my multimedia stuff, managing all the media multiple times, and decided to take my lunch break when all of a sudden this squirrel came out of the blue and began trying to take my lunch. He was sporting a ten-gallon hat, belt, and people call me crazy, but I swear that he was smoking a cig. I have scars on my body that I have to keep wrapped up 24/7 and I have to change the bandages daily… Every time I can’t help but think of that damned rodent.” Ramirez could not continue the interview as it was too traumatic, but gave me permission to include it.

He said he’d want us to keep fighting the good “Every night before I go to bed, I pray that I won’t have to come face to face with a squirrel.” fight.

Lianna Schieber, the distribution manager for 22 West Magazine reported an attack to me personally after squirrel bandits ravaged her distribution golf cart. It was horrifying, I can recall answering a phone call and being met with panicked shrieking. It’s hard to remember what she said exactly, but I vaguely heard the sounds of a tire popping, magazines being shuffled in the air and expletives being shouted.

“These squirrels make it impossible for me to do my job as distribution manager. How am I supposed to wheel around if they keep slashing my tires and attacking me? What did I do to deserve this. I am but a speck in the universal order. My mind is matter, born of the cosmic dust and is bound to eventually return. A grain of sand in a galactic sandbox. These squirrels are the Earth to my moon, keeping me forever bound by gravity in their suppression. If it is the reality that I must coexist with these animals, then I simply refuse to believe that there is anything holy ruminating over this Earth. Our timeline has

BY ANDRES LEON been forgotten, cast to ash.” Schieber now stays in her apartment around the clock, because cart ASI #8 has a popped tire. Also because of her crippling and existential fear of squirrels. One of those, I’m not too sure, it’s hard to tell.

For years it’s been thought that people were the biggest threat on campus, but Big Squirrel doesn’t want you to know it’s them.

From the shadows they plot their deceptive tricks. From the shadows they view us. From the shadows, they skulk. I have no solid evidence due to the nature of this subject, but I have heavy reason to believe that our very own student media organization, the Daily Forty-Niner, is in cahoots with our enemy.

In an article from 2019 titled, “The nutty history of the CSULB fox squirrel,” author Hannah Getahun wrote, “Much like the campus, the fox squirrel that is so integral to the Long Beach State image became a part of Long Beach over time.”

The article itself details the origins of the squirrels on our campus, but there’s a deeper subtext that has been skipped over. Why write about the squirrels? It’s almost as if there’s a ventriloquist behind it all, orchestrating what articles get published in order to control the narrative. It’s no secret that the squirrels are dastardly creatures, so of course the mastermind behind it all would want to lull us into a security, acknowledging the issue while ultimately never addressing it. A display of grand inaction.

Here at 22 West Magazine, however, we are standing our ground against Big Squirrel. I will not be silenced by these eldritch abominations. I refuse to be squirrel-pilled. In fact from this day forward, I declare 22 West Magazine a bastion against the furries. Furries being the squirrels. We don’t dislike furries. Please don’t write me an angry letter. The end I reached 1000 words, almost not quite, that’s good, wait no.

Okay. Wait there. Now.

“My mind is matter, born of the cosmic dust and is bound to eventually return.

A grain of sand in a galactic sandbox”

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GRUNION

ILLUSTRATION BY PATRICK DAUGHERTY

BY LEAH OLDS

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING (VERY LITTLE) – A testimonial from the guy who quit his job – Date: 02.21.2022

By Dr. Ötsab Kcisz (Leah Olds) To the beautiful and gorgeous staff at Light of Benevolence Sanatorium Unit, There is no doubt in my mind that you all are weeping at the news of my leave from the hospital. It has come at quite an unexpected moment in time, I’m sure. Upper management hired me on Wednesday, all but 72 hours ago.

And to lose such an esteemed professional with less than a weekend of merriment to share?

Such an event must amount to personal tragedy.

But in lieu of a woeful goodbye, I bear unto you a piece of uplifting advice which is also the reason for my departure from your team. My dear nurses and surgeons (in addition to all those other tiny people who are not nurses or surgeons), take the following words to heart like a 1.83mm needle: GIVE. UP. Some of you, especially those who are not nurses or surgeons, may wonder what this cryptic metaphor really means. Do not exhaust your delicate lobes on my behalf. I will present this idea in simpler terms using some reverse translations of the old country, from which I originate.

“Quit until you cannot quit anymore.”

“Crawl in the opposite direction of the finish line.”

“Do not do that thing you were about to do.”

“Seriously, do not do it.”

Yes, my good-looking friends. These are what constitute my new life philosophy, my raisin debtor. For the past three days I have embarked on a journey which young people and hashtag analysts would refer to as a “#girlbossmoment” wherein I learned how, what, and when to quit.

I personally believe that the truest form of self-care is one’s complete disengagement

from the frivolities of daily life. But it seems that society at large looks down on those people who toss in the towel for hobbies, sports, jobs and romantic pursuits in the interest of self-realization. Why? The answer is simple.

The people who expect us to do things do not want us to stop doing the things they expect us to do.

This eerie realization rocked me to my core and tallied many queries. Who am I, a nondescript European-turned-American-through-marriage, if not an individualist at heart? Are we Yankee Doodles not entitled to the boundless joys of self-determination? Must we always have a ‘can-do’ spirit in order to get what we want?

I would argue, no. Or rather, ‘no’ to the second question in a positive way, but ‘no’ to the third question in a negative way. See, the first question was rhetorical.

If I could have mastered the art of quitting as a small wonder playing in the sandy sand, I would have said to myself, “Ötsab, you do not have to finish all of the veggies just to have babička’s dessert. You should ditch those xylophone lessons while you still have the chance. And for the love of God, do NOT attend medical school in Florida.”

A truly successful person knows to shirk thexgame when their talents are not being acknowledged to a satisfactory degree, and I am no longer satisfied in my position. In our line of work, it is entirely too predictable to experience what researchers at the Cleveland Health Clinic refer to as “depersonalization,” where we feel disconnected from others due to mental burnout.

But make no mistake, sweet chickadees.

Burnout is not what led me to join the millions of quitters recorded by the Bureau of Labor Statistics in the last six months, who shook up capitalism’s icecap-less snowglobe.

The only burnout I experienced was the kind that happens in my Honda Civic, in the company of Dr. Dre, after completing an eighthour cardiopulmonary bypass. It seems that ‘chronic’ is a delightfully flexible term outside of Western medicine. But I digress.

It is not always the people around us that make us do these things, you know. Sometimes the final straw can simply be the neglect of one’s own vision. And as a reaction to an unfulfilled promise, the desire to give up is so natural; it is what you should expect when you’ve already been conditioned to expect very little from certain engagements you make in good faith.

Thus, I found serenity in the pink slip.

After all, what is a quitter if not a person who is actually a premature winner, or an ambitious self-starter? Through quitting I have gained an ability of clairvoyant value, which clears my mind of all anxieties and abandons any task that is an affront to its own well-being.

Quitting is an evolutionary defense mechanism and I am no more than a human animal at its mercy. When I proudly stormed out of the operating room yesterday afternoon, I finally acknowledged this biological fact. I also learned that there is simply no better time for self-reflection than in the middle of an open-heart surgery.

Light of Benevolence, I quit not only for me, but also for myself and I. As the old American proverb states, “There is no ‘i’ in ‘team.’ But there is a ‘me,’ if you take out the ‘a’ and the ‘t.’”

I wish all of you attractive, educated and medicated nurses and surgeons the best of luck.

Take a load off, for once in your severely overachieving lives, and just give up!

Ave maria, Ötsab Kcisz , M.D. *Former* Cardiothoracic surgeon

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FEATURE

PHOTOS PROVIDED BY LINDSAY DARJANY

BY ANDRES LEON

LINDSAY DARJANY: CRITTERS, GLOBAL CATASTROPHE AND MARINE BIOLOGY EXPLORE WHAT INSPIRES A LECTURER FOR THE BIOLOGY DEPARTMENT

L

indsay Darjany is a marine biology lecturer for the biological sciences department at Long Beach State University. She is outwardly passionate about her study and she often teaches students who are fulfilling a general education requirement. I speak as a student who took one of her classes, BIOL 153, Introduction to Marine Biology. I was very engaged even as someone who is intimidated by anything STEM related.

She is known to show off her collection of interesting animals during class while classes were solely online. Before digging into her background, I wanted to know about what other animals she currently has.

“I have my stickbugs, my Madagascar Hissing cockroaches, a California Desert tortoise now, I also had a giant millipede that I gave away because I had too many things to take care of. And a dog. For now.”

I then learned that the stick bug that died recently was most likely not the same one I saw in the fall of 2020.

“They only live about six to seven months, towards the end of that they’ll lay their eggs and then die. Then that new generation takes a couple months or so to hatch. They’re asexual so they don’t neccesarily need a mate to lay eggs. They’ll lay hundreds of eggs. I only had three so I had a couple hundred eggs. I keep about 75, and of those, about 30 will hatch, then maybe ten will survive. I have some friends that I give some to.”

What fuels her ongoing interest in the subject is her education path that led her here.

“In my undergrad I went to the University of California, Santa Cruz in Northern California and that’s where I got my Bachelor of Science in marine biology. There, I worked for an intertidal invertebrate monitoring group. We went up and

down the coast looking for sea stars, urchins, worms, mussels and we used that as an indicator of how the overall ecosystem was changing.

I did that all through college. I got to go to Tahiti to study for a little bit after that,” Darjany said.

Following her undergrad education, she worked for a phytoplankton ecology lab where she studied diatoms, dinoflagellates and protists. Eventually, it led her to having a two month stint in Antarctica, studying microorganisms and sea ice while there.

“That was at the University of Southern California for about two and a half years or so and then after that I went back to school to get my masters. I was actually a little bit older than a “Not to be a Debbie downer, but we’re going to have to make some changes.” lot of my peers because I had taken two to three years off,” Darjany said.

Darjany then recollected her time going back to graduate school.

“I went back to grad school and I’m a little overambitious so my thesis project was very complex, it took almost three and a half years.

Normally they want you in and out at two years, and I’m a pleaser, so when people ask me if I can do something I say, ‘yes of course I can do that, do you think I’m capable? Like, of course I’m capable.’ So I had a multi-faceted project for my master’s thesis. I got hired at Cal State right after that. They hired me as a lecturer teaching classes, lab coordinating. I haven’t left.”

However, employment at LBSU hasn’t stopped her from staying involved in other jobs relating to marine biology. For a while she worked for an organization called the Southern California Coastal Water Research project,

a group that focused on studying microbes in the local marine environment as well as water bodies in general, including rivers, outfalls and even sewers. Darjany recalls what she learned: “Now instead of testing people for covid, what they’re doing is they’re taking sewage water from the flush of your toilet, and they can sample that for coronavirus mRna, from that they can detect amounts and quantities.

It’s called microbial source tracking. They can figure which areas of California are more heavily inundated with the virus which is really cool.

They can figure out how much is in the area and where it’s coming from. There’s a lot of cool stuff you can do with poop water.”

Darjany then added what other types of studies could be done with studying sewage water.

“I’m not part of this work, but there’s a whole field called toxicology and one thing they can do is look at birth control remains like tetracycline in sewage water. It’s actually getting into our water system and it’s having an effect on the fish population. It’s making them become more female because of that added female hormone switching the endocrine system of fish. They can also look at which drugs are present in the water system. They can look at Los Angeles county for crack cocaine and Seattle for opioids. It’s really fascinating what they can do with water chemistry.”

Of course, studying today’s water chemistry comes with an impossible subject to avoid, the exponential growth of microplastics in our ecosystem.

“The world of microplastics and plastics is on the cusp of having it be a really big focus because it’s causing a lot of issues. Once it threatens sperm count it automatically becomes ‘more’ important of an issue to a lot of people.

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“What I like is turning you all into stewards of the marine environment” Sorry to say but a lot of people in power are men and so when they hear something like that they’re like, ‘woah! watch out.’ It’s really interesting and plastics are a really big problem.”

She reflected on how growing debris from human activity has begun to impact her study, making it unavoidable.

“It’s been a weird turning point for me because my focus has always been on biology. I saw some species of dolphins recently when I was on Santa Cruz Island, I saw some humpback whales breaching and it never gets old to me but as I’ve progressed in my career in marine science, I can’t ignore the plastics in the ocean. When I go to take a sample of the microbes, guess what’s also floating around in there? Bits of fishing line, and plastics from toys.

It’s rampant.”

Darjany then remembered a recent study she read that added onto this existential threat.

“Last summer there was a paper published that found plastics in a human placenta. So we’re basically sitting with plastics in our body while our babies are developing in our womb.

It messes with your endocrine system, it can cause a lot of trouble, fertility issues, the expression of progesterone and testosterone and how that produces sperm and the quality of eggs.

Altogether it feels like our Earth is basically saying we’re in crisis.”

She then continued on the issue of plastics and how many factors around the world are starting to align.

“The pace that we’re extracting these fossil fuels and turning them into plastic and destroying parts of the Amazon for farming, It’s just not sustainable. 2050 has been the predictor year for when we all go downhill. If you look at a lot of statistical models, the year 2050 is when we run out of fresh water, or have enough land to sustain feeding people and meat consumption.

Not to be a Debbie downer, but we’re going to have to make some changes.”

Debbie downer-ism aside, I asked her what she loved about teaching marine biology.

“I love that you guys are one mile from the beach, so to me it’s really important to foster that sense of wonder for my students. I want

them to ‘oo’ and ‘aa’ and get excited so that they become stewards of the environment they live next to. What I like is turning you all into stewards of the marine environment. It’s very special to see that love of our ocean, its inhabitants, form so that whatever your trajectory is, whether its public relations or accounting, you can always have that in the back of your head that there’s this wonderful world full of amazing creatures and places that we’re responsible for.”

Here are her parting messages for any future marine biologists.

“Just go for it and never look back. Once you start, there’s always opportunities to go deeper and deeper to get your hands wet. Literally.”

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GRUNION

ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID DARDIS

LET PEOPLE HATE THINGS

I

f I could turn back time and stop the “Let People Enjoy Things” comic from ever being published on the internet, the world would quite literally be a better place.

The comic ruined media literacy and allowed for all criticism to be perceived as negative. However, being a hater is fun and allows for good discussion! I have taken the liberty of interviewing a panel of my fellow haters to hear about their opinions. Take note and spread negativity. For their own safety, their names have been liberally changed for this interview. #1: Do you remember the first thing you ever hated?

America’s favorite: I hated the day my sister was born.

America’s least favorite: I hated the first time I saw my sister.

Gnomeo: My mom.

Mort: A doll I was gifted. I didn’t like how it stared at me. It felt very threatening.

Salt and vinegar chips [too]. It just wasn’t good when I was 5? It burnt my tongue and left behind a core memory.

Bambi: When I was put in ELD in elementary school when I already learned English.

Pussy_SnatcherXOXO: The conscious decision of me being a hater probably coincides with most people’s hatred of Justin Bieber and his first hit song “Baby.” It was played all the time in my house. My sister would watch the music video on repeat on the family computer and I grew to resent that little preteen and his lack of bitches because it was taking up my time playing on coolmathgames.com and “Poptropica.”

And what was worse… the song wasn’t even bad. It really slaps, but it also stopped me from

enjoying my hard-earned, relaxing gameplay after a long day in fourth grade. I’ll never forgive my sister for taking that time from me — and I’ll never forgive him. #2: What’s something you have visceral hatred for? What is something you think everybody should hate?

America’s favorite: You know what I hate the most? I freakin’ hate garlic. Like who eats that?

America’s least favorite: Hilltop Park.

Gnomeo: Capitalism! I have no money.

Mort: Boba being anything above 50 cents. I don’t even think it should cost anything when the drink itself is like five dollars nowadays. With all the ice and boba placed inside, you’re getting only eight ounces of drink if you’re lucky. Also, men with podcasts! Primarily those that ramble endlessly about how women need to support men more. They act as if they don’t already have the full advantage in current society. Their discussions lack critical substance and they add nothing to the conversation.

Bambi: The way the weather keeps switching from cold to hot back to cold again, so I struggle to pick an outfit to wear for the day. How one of my favorite boba shops raised the number of points necessary to redeem a free drink when I had been saving up the past year to get multiple drinks at once.

Pussy_SnatcherXOXO: I viscerally hate “Euphoria” – and more people should too. The oversexualization of teenagers is so disgusting and a trope that Americans seem to eat up constantly.

“Barely-legal” is such a popular fantasy for men because they can’t admit that they would honestly go for younger people if given the chance. I’m tired of going through social media,

BY JUDE DE LUNA seeing white and light skinned POC going through their daily struggles that an old white man loves to put them through in his own little perverse fantasy. #3: Why do you think being a hater should be acceptable in society?

America’s favorite: Because haters rule the world. Literally the politicians that run this country are haters. So if you want to get to the top, become a hater.

America’s least favorite: If there’s no one that’s hating, then there’s something wrong with the world. There has to be a negative point of view for everything. When you do it, it helps other people. If I hate on something and someone else likes that thing, then it motivates them to do better.

Mort: It’s about things you can change anyways.

I can’t lie to myself or others. It’s a way to facilitate discussion about the problems of society in a productive manner. An open forum, you know?

Bambi: It’s good to have your own opinions and express them. Standing by your beliefs even if you know that people may think differently means that you’re confident in yourself. Being a hater helps you be more self-aware. If you’re annoyed by something, most likely other people are [too]. You’ll know what’s appropriate and what isn’t, meaning you won’t bother others around you. Hating on people can actually help them. They’ll take your criticism into consideration and work to better themselves. For example, after being laughed at for her dancing, Dua Lipa is a much better performer now!

Pussy_SnatcherXOXO: Being a hater is so beneficial in society because it helps keep certain things in check. Have you seen Doja Cat’s wigs before? They were awful. The “Sonic” movie got better because so many people were flaming it. There were so many people going against “Venom” critics so hard that people actually started ignoring what actual critics had to say about it. I think people need to mind their business about certain matters that don’t concern them and should shut up when their opinion isn’t needed. Some people should just be humbled, mainly people who think their opinion matters on issues that don’t concern them.

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GRUNION

ILLUSTRATION BY NINA WALKER

SERIOUS

ELDEN RING REVIEW

BY JOEY MARTINEZ

MORE

LIKE

ELDEN

A

BETTER

VIDEO

GAME

S

ince its announcement in 2019, “Elden Ring’s” hype has only snowballed more and more as information was released about it. The announcement of an open world similar to The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, director Hidetaki Miyazaki stating it’s his “perfect” video game, and the idea of Souls-like with a larger scope than ever contributed to this game attracting all sorts of fans.

So does it live up to the hype?

Well, if you like bad combat, bad level design, bad stories, bad game mechanics, bad characters, bad graphics, bad controls, and love throwing sixty dollars at a brick wall, you’re gonna love this game.

From what I have seen, many people have been completing this game within eighty to around one-hundred hours. I have two hours and thirty-five minutes logged into this game so I am very confident in my judgment of it so far.

First off, this whole time I thought I was going to be on a journey to find a sweet ring but the ring is actually destroyed? How could you call it “Elden Ring” with no Elden Ring? To add salt to the wound, right after learning that the ring isn’t even in the game during the intro, you immediately get thrown into a boss fight that kills you immediately.

But oh wait, you were supposed to “Urgh— that’s the sound I make die. The game does not shy away from when I’m mad— this game makes telling you that you’re not good enough me so mad” and you should give up on yourself and your aspirations. Right after you die to the stupid dumb idiot boss, you get sent through a and took half my health away. It occured to me “tutorial” that basically just tells you, “You can that I forgot how to roll because the button for it move forward. You can attack like this. Oh and wasn’t on screen, bad UI, so my character was we gave you a roll? We’re so generous!” Didn’t immediately tortured and killed by the Tree learn a thing. There’s also a big pit that I already Sentinel. know is some trap made by the ghost that’s tellHow anyone thinks making a mandatory ing me to go down there and I’m insulted that boss the first thing you do in an “open world” they would try to pull a fast one on me so early game is beyond me because I spent thirty on. They don’t know I’ve played four “Assassin’s minutes accomplishing nothing trying to beat Creed” games so my gamer instincts are sharp. the Tree Sentinel. After realizing that maybe how After trudging through the tutorial cave, fast I was dying was a glitch, I looked up a guide you move outside to get a view of the game’s and found out that using the Wretch class made Playstation 2 graphics. Seriously, if you put this me considerably weaker than everything else in side by side with the original Dark Souls, you the game. Why would they make the funny half wouldn’t be able to see a difference and if you naked man with a club so bad? say you can then you are wrong and you are lying Urgh— that’s the sound I make when I’m to me and most importantly, yourself. You are mad— this game makes me so mad. There’s also met with a strange looking man who tells no quest line either. You’re just meant to walk you that you are “maidenless” and you need to around and find things. Why would I want to do go get some. This game should know that I am that? I’d like to have fun, not explore a big map severely afraid of talking to and interacting with just to get hit once and watch my character let women. Thank goodness I didn’t have to inter- out horrific screams of anguish constantly. act with one during my time playing otherwise I Overall, Elden Ring shows just how out would have been seriously scared. of touch From Software and their games have I thought I was going to explore the become with this bumbling excuse for a video “This game should know that I am open world but as I was walking around, game. Go play a real game like “Assassin’s severely afraid of talking to and getting a migraine from the low-texture Creed.” That is unless you’re too scared to. 1/10. interacting with women” rock and tree models, a giant knight on a horse ran towards me with a huge spear

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GRUNION

BY LEAH OLDS

ILLUSTRATION BY CAROLINE BAE

TOP 5 LONG BEACH PARKING LOTS WE’VE ALL HAD TO THINK LONG AND HARD, HERE’S WHERE SPOTS WE RECOMMEND

E

ver find yourself slumped in the driver’s seat of your parked car, staring out into nothing with a mid-tempo alt rock song on repeat, destined to become the soundtrack of your life’s greatest disappointments? Oh, you haven’t? Well… me neither. Definitely not. But in the event that you’re playing hooky with therapy, here are some great local spots that will help fill the void!

1. The ‘University Overlook’ Lot Students of Long Beach State, rejoice! For only $210 per semester, you will be treated to a decadent high-rise parking structure located just south of East Atherton Street. This lot boasts rooftop views of a picturesque campus where you will spend at least four years questioning the projected stability of your professional future. A student can change their major, but they can’t change that deafening inner-monologue that makes them a stranger to their lifelong dreams.

So if you want to start your day with an enchanted gaze at the Walter Pyramid, or with 35 minutes of circling around like a shark before settling for a low attendance rate, this is the destination for you. Scenic, expensive, and mind-numbing – these are what make up a true university experience. Go Beach!

2. The ‘I’ve Got Things To Do’ Lot On the corner of Anaheim and Newport, this bustling commercial lot is flanked by a number of establishments, the likes of which include LB

Laundry, Rose Massage, KBeauty, JJ Chinese Express, and El Pollo Loco. It’s the perfect Sunday morning “to-do” depot!

But enough with the advertising. It is likely that there is not a single errand you need to run here. You just needed a place to sit and think, or stare at a dumpster for 15 whole minutes with no interruptions. That five year plan you made as a high school senior is a thing of the past, friend.

If you haven’t already secured your quirky group of best friends and the loft apartment in Los Angeles, then it is time to stop chasing the fantasy. Just find a parking space after business hours and watch the middle seasons of “New Girl” to get the desired effect. This is a destination that is guaranteed to soothe the sting of underachievement!

3. The ‘Hold Your Cousin Accountable’ Lot There are so many spaces to choose from at this asphalt haven, you might consider initiating a four hour long video call with an estranged relative just to clear the air on why you haven’t spoken to them since “that thing that happened at auntie’s house two years ago.” Turn up the heat, sister!

Oh and Jerry’s Breakfast Place is right across from it, should you end up falling asleep in the driver’s seat after all of the unpacking.

Take it from me, the only other call you’re going to want to make after that will be for an order of chilaquiles with some orange juice and an Advil (not included with the Jerry’s breakfast).

1st Runner-Up: The ‘Greasy Spoon’ Lot Do you love fried chicken? How about aimless retrospection? If you answered ‘yes’ to one or both of those questions, start the 1992 Toyota Camry that your parents say has “nine, maybe ten years left” and pull into this lot in front of Popeyes on Redondo Avenue.

You don’t even have to eat anything! Just pull in, nudge the parking block, roll your window down, smell the drifting fumes from the fryers, then roll your windows back up whilst taking stock of the dreams you had long mistaken for precious childhood memories.

4. The ‘Oh Look, It’s the Place You Haven’t Visited Since You Turned 18’ Lot Praise be! It doesn’t matter if the sight of the chapel tower across the road gives rise to warm, nurturing feelings or deeply buried shame; at the very least, you will find plenty of spots for repentance at this street-facing lot on Third Street. But before opening your driver’s side door to air out the hotbox fumes and watch those CVS receipts get “swept away by the wind,” just know that everything you do is being witnessed by the eyes of God. 5. The ‘You Might As Well Get Comfortable’ Lot Sometimes, the only way to gain control of mental-emotional consciousness is by losing control of physical-material surroundings. So if you’ve been cruising down Long Beach Boulevard with that dead look in your eyes, desperate to make everything in the world stop for just a little while, then venture to a place that guarantees unrelenting stillness.

Sandwiched between Park’s Transmissions and Fluffy’s Sno-Balls, this lot has plenty of parking spaces but no designated exit in either direction. That’s right, you cannot leave!

Unless of course, you choose to drive in the opposite direction of the entrance’s painted arrow. But who are we kidding – you need this stationary solitude, or you just might lose it.

If you are a functionally manic individual who can’t seem to allow yourself a crying spell, let this impractically designed car park do the work.

2nd Runner-Up: The ‘You Have Never Used A Wrench In Your Life’ Lot Rapid-fire question: What is something that is a life necessity but also has a habit of getting messy when it is not properly looked after?

If you answered “indoor plumbing,” you are right! But you are also wrong. In fact, a better answer would have been “my relationship,” because some of you know damn well that yours is in desperate need of fixing. That’s why you should take yourself to East Fourth Street’s ACE Hardware and think about that with your transmission on ‘P.’ And while you’re at it, pick up a flathead screwdriver that you’ll only use once so that you have an actual reason to be there that doesn’t include grabbing some free popcorn or living out a symbolic epiphany.

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GRUNION

ILLUSTRATION BY PATRICK DAUGHERTY

BY AVERY KELLER

OBITUARY

HERE WE HONOR THE VICTIMS OF THE UNIVERSITY DINING PLAZA MASSACRE OF 2020

Starbucks The first victim was a household name to all, Starbucks. Every day students would take the escalators and line up at the doors of this establishment, especially during Pumpkin Spice Latte season. With the absence of Starbucks, students now have to find their fix elsewhere.

One student said about the loss, “It’s just not the same. I went to Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf to order my venti frappe and they told me to speak English. I swear, ever since the release of Luca, Italian as a language has been taken as a joke.”

Panda Express & Hibachi-San The loss of Panda Express was a large black mark on LBSU. Although there are many who suggest Panda Express is not “authentic,” its demise still marks the end of Asian representation on campus.

Recently, a student was seen mourning the loss in front of the statue of Po at the University Art Store.

The violence not only claimed Panda Express but also its son, Hibachi-San.

The Nugget Grill & Pub Perhaps the greatest loss to many was The Nugget. Though some might suggest the name’s origin within the story of the 49ers can be perceived as politically incorrect, this feeling is outweighed by it being the only place to drink on upper campus.

An arts student remarked “If I want to show up drunk to class now, I have to trek all the way to the Outpost, or go to a bar and pay for an uber.

It’s so much more work.”

Squeeze Me Squeeze Me was a bit of a hole in the wall, an unknown factor. However, it was also the only place that served boba on campus. For those who need that boba fix, it was at best a mediocre option.

Either way, students are not too upset about this loss as Squeeze Me was long due to be #canceled due to its suggestive name. The employees asked for hugs way too often.

OPA! While Opa!’s greek cuisine may not have been the most popular in the University Dining Plaza, it still held a place in many students’ hearts.

Opa! is best described as white food with a zing, making average Joes think that they’re open to new cultures and foods.

Unfortunately, those who are living that “greek life” now have to go off campus to find food.

Beach Walk Ever since the loss of Beach Walk, the campus has become total anarchy. People have been seen running, skipping, and jogging to class.

“It’s like I don’t even know how to walk anymore, my legs move so fast now,” a student explained while jogging in place.

LOGO INTERPERTATIONS

BY ANDRES LEON

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ART

DESIGN BY ANDRE W TRAN

BY ANDRES LEON

BEHIND THE COVER ART WITH ANDREW TRAN TA K E A L O O K AT

W H AT W E N T I N T O T H I S M O N T H ' S C O V E R A R T

A

ndrew Tran is a senior at LBSU who is enrolled in the graphic design BFA. He is originally from the Bay Area and returned to Long Beach after classes transitioned to in-person.

Outside of art and design, he likes to read stories of all kind, fiction or non-fiction. He loves to see how writers craft stories using their unique language and storytelling to engage readers' emotions. In this piece, you'll see his thought process behind designing this Alex Jones Info Wars-esque cover for the April edition of 22 West Magazine.

Q; What was the process behind creating this piece?

A: From the beginning I knew I wanted to work with photography, so it ended up all being done in Photoshop. At first I wasn’t sure if it was gonna be a single photograph or a collage of multiple. I ended up choosing the latter. With the collage-approach I found that I had more control over the visual direction and tone of the final piece. The hardest part was probably finding the right images to use. There’s only so much you can do with weak photographs, so it was important to find ones that gave me a lot to work with.

With this cover specifically, I was looking for photographs that could translate well into black and white. After scouring Google for a while I found three strong images of a sky, pyramid, and landscape. I thought the combination of them could form an engaging composition when collaged together. From then on it was a simple matter of masking and messing around with curves on Photoshop. After I finished the collage, I looked through Grunion articles from previous issues of 22 West Magazine because I wanted to superimpose excerpts on the cover.

The goal was to juxtapose photographic imagery with graphic elements.

Q; What were your inspirations behind the piece?

A: Since I was working in black and white, I kept in mind other artists who mainly work in

the same format. Off the top of my head, some examples are Michael Jang, Chris Ashworth, and Matt Willey. These artists have a way of working with value, and placing lights and darks in all the right places, to create beautiful compositions.

I tried to channel some of that into this cover.

I wasn’t actively looking at them while creating the cover, but I did also keep in mind how publications like The New York Times and National Geographic design covers. They tend to use really simple but powerful imagery to tell a story. One example that comes to mind is National Geographic’s “Planet or Plastic?”

2018 issue. The cover is so simple but memorable: it’s an iceberg that transforms into a plastic bag. Boom, climate change. One glance tells you everything you need to know about the issue.

That’s what I was going for with this piece.

Q; How did you first approach it versus how it turned out?

A: To be honest, the process was pretty straightforward. I never really brainstormed different solutions. When I had been told the prompt, a clear and immediate answer came to my head, and that’s the one I stuck with throughout the entire process. From the beginning I knew it was going to be a black and white image of an upside-down pyramid. It was just a matter of finding the right photos for my idea.

One change from the initial approach, though, was that I ended up using a yellow color accent. Originally it was going to be in all black and white, but once everything was finished I

realized the cover gave off the impression that there was no budget to print in color. So I had to work in a color accent so that readers would understand that the black and white was an intentional artistic decision. This was done by setting the 22 West logo in yellow. Adding a yellow accent also had the benefit of connecting the cover back to Long Beach State.

Q: What's the meaning behind this piece?

A: I guess there isn’t really a literal meaning behind the piece; I was more focused on capturing the right emotion. Since this month’s issue focuses on the Grunion, I wanted to create something that would satirize Long Beach State.

The final outcome would ideally be a piece that’s a little odd and disorientating. To do that, I took a landmark iconic to our campus, the Walter Pyramid, and reframed the way it’s normally seen. Instead of depicting the pyramid as it is, I decided to represent it as the Great Pyramid of Giza and then flipping it upside-down. The black and white direction is supposed to heighten the sense of disorientation as all the past covers of 22 West Magazine have been in color.

The cover relies on the fact that the Walter Pyramid is strongly synonymous with CSULB. Hopefully readers will look at the cover and understand the connection between what’s on it and what it’s supposed to represent. It’s not literally supposed to be the Great Pyramid of Giza, even though that’s what it shows. It’s supposed to be our wonderful school turned awry and bizarre.

Q:Where can people find more of your art?

A: Um, I’m not sure. I don’t really use social media. Something about it makes me feel icky.

One day I’ll have a personal website up though.

Hopefully before I graduate.

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Contributor List Caroline Bae, Artist Stacey Chen, Artist Patrick Daugherty, Artist Madison Hoiby, Artist Nina Walker, Artist Arielle Zepeda, Artist & Writer Lauren Galvan, Writer Seth Haden, Writer Jude De Luna, Writer Joey Martinez, Writer Leah Olds, Writer Jude Sampson, Writer Caroline Smith, Writer

Volunteer Meetings Tuesdays @ 4pm Zoom ID: 883 7808 9878 Passcode: Mag!

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