Grunion: CSULB Resolves Parking Issues by Halving Spots

The campus is ready for students to line their wallets, er, walkways.

By Paperman

After two and a half semesters of online learning, Long Beach State students are expected to return to in-person instruction in fall 2021 with precautions to ensure safety against the coronavirus pandemic. An anonymous official stated that the reason campus wants to return to in-person instruction is, "definitely not because of our dropping enrollment rates," and is to, "ensure quality education for all of our paying students."

In a shocking turn of events, LBSU's priority is to fix the parking on campus for the vast amount of students returning to in-person instruction. Students have complained about parking at the campus for years. In an effort to listen to student qualms, parking spaces will be halved to ensure that students and staff remain socially distanced in the parking lot.

"It feels nice to have CSULB hear us out and fix what we've been complaining about," said an anonymous student, "I used to miss about half of my classes for the day just searching for parking, but now I get to miss all of them!"

Food contamination is a worry shared amongst many students, as many rely on food on campus to carry them through their full day of classes. To reduce coronavirus contamination, the campus will now have all food pre-cooked and wrapped in extra plastic wrapping.

"Here at Long Beach State, we like to have fun. Our decision to use extra plastic is inspired by Japanese culture because we are very inclusive. Did I mention we were diverse?" said the anonymous official.

The campus will reportedly not require vaccinations or masks to be on campus. Instead, for safety and to keep school pride up CSULB will rent out, "Go beach!" branded hazmat suits in the library. Students will be able to pay for the suits using their student ID's and are encouraged to use their beach bucks that have been stagnant since quarantine.

I'm sorry, did I say fall 2021? I meant fall 2022. We hope to see you in fall 2022.