What is Queer Family?

WHAT IS QUEER FAMILY?

THE IDEA IS A FAMILY IS MALLEABLE, ESPECIALLY IN THE QUEER COMMUNITY

BY VIVIEN GRAY VALOREN

Family is the first connection we make in this world; they fill the role of caretakers, providers, teachers, those we love and can beloved by. However, for many unfortunate people like myself— neglect, abuse and trauma are what family gave me. Not having the basic essentials provided, as someone so young and vulnerable to the world, leads to a lifelong need to fill the gaps in our sense of family. I wish I could be the kid that makes my parents proud of me, even though they would not care. This is the reality for people who grow up in abusive families, even more so for those that are LGBTQ+. I am Vivien Gray Valoren, a 26- year-old non-binary person, and I am part of a chosen family of Queers.

For many that are LGBTQ+, family support maybe rough growing up, and this is compounded with the realization that one is Queer. It is at this painful moment that all Queers come to ask this question: “Is it safe telling my family?” Some do and things work out for them, for others, they stay quiet until they are on their own in case they are disowned, abused or even kicked out to the streets. I was terrified of telling my family. I knew they were not the best, but I figured they would not kick me out. I decided to come out to my father and mother on my 24th birthday, wishing to avoid having the dreadful birthday song sung with a name I did not want. I learned that as much as I wanted them to be the family I needed, they would never be the people I needed in my life nor care enough to accept my Queerness. At 26, I cut contact for good. It was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life, but best for my sanity. I can only thank my Queer family for supporting me.

When I first had an epiphany about my sexuality and gender over the COVID-19 quarantine, I felt completely alone. I did not know anyone that was transgender. I scrambled for any resources I could find, anything to answer the plethora of questions I had and give me direction. My entire world had changed, and I knew I could no longer rely on my family for help. In my search, I found a link to a transgender Discord server and hesitantly joined, not knowing what to expect. It was there I found the answers I was looking for, talked to others like me who inspired hope for my future and found guidance on my path in life. Once I had the knowledge of what I wanted to do, I felt stable. Several months later, I'd start hormone replacement therapy and begin transitioning in the way I wanted. I got into contact with a LGBTQ+ clinic and transgender center in my area, and thankfully they provided me what I needed in terms of my physical, legal and medical transition.

However, I still lacked a support system. I had one I could turn to in my time of need. Even as a child I knew this, and I cried alone a lot. But as much as I wanted a family, I didn’t even know what that word meant. Or rather, I knew what it meant but didn’t know what it felt like. For a long time my family was the only definition I had of one. I figured I would just have to be strong and carry myself as best I could, as I had been caring for myself for so long. I had unknowingly already begun making my first familial connection back on that Discord server. It was there I would meet Lynn, and eventually, the rest of my Queer family.

Lynn uses xey/xem pronouns, which are conjugated the same as they/them/theirs. Xey are a royal pain in my ass, the bane of my existence and overall, an awful human being. I love xem to death and would gladly take a bullet for xem. When I first met Lynn, I was astounded by xeir whimsical personality. I had never met anyone like xem before. I learned Lynn had a rough childhood in Texas and were slowly healing from xeir time in an abusive household. Even though xey had so much wisdom and patience when dealing with trauma and emotions of others, xey were only 19 when we first met. This is where it clicked for me. Here was someone who carried a lot of pain and wanted to help others because we knew how awful of a burden it was to carry alone. I could let xem into my heart and xey would only care for me. I would eventually leave the transgenderDiscord server and get invited to Lynn’s personal Discord server. It was there we continued to cultivate a bond. Here was someone who would love me and support me unconditionally. Likewise, I could only ever love xem for the wonderful human being xey are. If I have anyone by my side through the worst parts of my life, I would want Lynn there. Lynn became the first member of my Queer family and my life is forever better for it. Sometimes, these happenstance bonds lead to the greatest of unintended consequences in our lives, like how Alex and I became siblings.

Alex uses they/them pronouns. When we first met on the Discord server I thought they would be a troublemaker, so I kept an eye out. We spoke briefly as I tried to build a rapport with them to keep tabs on their behavior. This turned into regular conversations. I learned they were a teenager who lived in an emotionally neglectful household and their parents would disown them if they ever came out as non-binary. They came to me with their problems. I grew to like helping them often as I loved helping the transgender community, especially youth. With time, I realized I was growing a bond with them. I felt I was guiding them and providing support in a way an older sibling would. I cared for them and wanted to protect them from the difficulties they were experiencing at such a young age. They told me that they and all their Queerfriends had made plans in case their families discovered they were Queer and left them homeless.

To them it was just another facet of life, for me, it was a nightmare I feared. Their parents did not appreciate them like I did. I will always want to be the emotional support in their life because I know what it’s like to not have that support from my own childhood. I am proud to be Alex’s sibling because they chose me to be their sibling. With them, I started to understand what a chosen family meant. A Queerfamily that supports each other, and accepts those with nowhere else to turn.

Fae uses they/them pronouns and is the newest addition to my chosen family. Like the other members of my Queer family, I met Fae on the Discord server. However, unlike the others, we only spoke briefly in my time there. But their kindness stuck with me. They often helped other transgender youth with their problems and seemed to genuinely care for them. However, our time on the server was eventually cut short. Fae lost access to their only device able to access Discord and went radio silent for months. I was fearful for them how they would cope with losing the only supportive environment they had in the midst of a highly abusive home environment. I hoped they would return someday, but a part of me couldn’t shake off that this could be the last time I would ever see them again. After Fae’s departure, I wanted to specialize in LGBTQ+issues as a therapist because I never wanted anyone to go through what they were going through daily.

Months later, they resurfaced on another friend’s personal Discord server I was on and we re-established communication. I told them how touched I was by their existence and offered to be a sympathetic ear. They were surprised by all the messages of support they received in their hiatus. Fae would fill me in how the abuse they faced from their guardian was both angering them and hurting their will to continue. I wanted to see them thrive and flourish. They recently got involved with Child Protective Services to get out of their abusive household, and we lost communication with them for months. I knew they would return eventually, but I grew worried and missed them. They would return after several months, and admitted they didn’t know if they would have a home to return to, nor if they would have the means to tell me everything. It was at this moment I realized how much I really meant to them. I wanted to be their family, since Fae and I shared the same pain of familial loss together. As long as I live, they will never have to go through that pain alone again.

After coming out as Queer, the bonds of family may quickly erode. However, that does not mean we are broken people for it. We are loving, strong and compassionate people who strive to overcome the burdens placed upon us. My chosen family has shown me what a true family is. We have come together by circumstance, but we became united by love and appreciation for who we are as individuals. That is what family is to me.