My Journey with Vaginismus

TW: Sexual Assault

IwasnineteenyearsoldwhenIhadmy first sexual experience. I remember it clearly -- I was in bed with my thenpartner. He wanted to explore dominance.Soheforcedmedown,slid his fingers across my vaginal opening, and stared me straight in the eyes. The details get murky afterward, but most importantly, the experience was not consensual.

I grew up in a conservative household where sex or anything related was strictlyforbiddenuntilaftermarriage.I wastoldmoretimesthanIcouldcount thatifIdidanythingthatwasremotely sexual, my body would not be pure anymore. I was encouraged to abstain from sex entirely which meant there wasnoneedtolearnaboutbirthcontrol untilyearslater.Despitethis,Ididwhat any growing teenager would do -- I explored masturbation and eventually dabbled with sexual partners. While I logically knew sex was natural, I couldn’t let go of the all-consuming messages that were previously ingrained in me. To be totally honest, there were moments where I thought I wasahorriblepersonforhavingsexual desires.Ioftenfeltguilty,ashamedof

Devi

myurges,andconfusedoverall.Itdidn’t helpthatmyfirstromanticrelationship wasemotionallyandsexuallyabusive.

Someyearspassed,andmyrelationship with my body grew to a bewildering height. I started therapy to work through my trauma with my previous sexually abusive partner and I ultimately found myself in another romanticrelationship,butwithagentle, kind man, who was most importantly notabusive.Yet,somethingdidn’tquite feelright.Icouldn’tcognitivelypieceit together,butanytimewewouldtryand havesex,Iwouldfeelthisunimaginable genito-pelvicpain.Sure,havingsexfor the first time might hurt for some people, but he couldn’t even insert a fingerintomyvagina.Icouldn’tevenfit a tampon in because I’d immediately close up and spasm, and not in a good way.Istayedinthatrelationshipfortwo years and we constantly tried to have sex,butanytimeafingerwouldsomuch as go near me, I felt like I hit a metaphoricalwall.

TheconundrumIfacedwasperplexing: I desired to explore my sexuality and gainadeeperunderstandingofmybody but despite my earnest efforts, I encounteredsignificantobstacles.

Seekingguidancefrommyprimarycare physician only added to my distress as she attributed my struggles to my psychologicalstate,placingblameonme for my perceived shortcomings, and suggested I either unwind or use lubrication.Iwasovercomewithasense oflonelinessanddetachmentthatIhad not felt in quite some time. It was only later that I discovered the term for my experience: vaginismus, a condition characterizedbyinvoluntaryspasmsof the vaginal canal that result in pain.

Astonishingly, up to 17% of women encounterthiscondition,yetitremains largely misunderstood and overlooked bymanyhealthcareproviders.

Vaginismus is something that I still strugglewithbutovertime,Ihavemade progress in tolerating penetrative sex with a partner who made me feel safe. Through the years, my partner and I cultivated a deep sense of emotional intimacy,whichhelpedmeletgoofthe embodied trauma and shame brought on by my upbringing and my past experiencesthatwereholdingmeback. Whilebuildingemotionalintimacywith a trusted partner can be a helpful approachtoovercomingtheshameand

ROSEMONETP.LITTLE

Why Parents Should Not Opt Their Children Out of Sex-Ed

TW: Sexual Assault

Ramya Chunduri

As an On-Scene Advocate at a domestic violence shelter, I saw firsthand the effects of missing sexual education. Jessica walked into the hospital with bruisesinalltheplacesIoncedid.Her black eye, lacerations on her face, and arms, and wrist constraint marks gave me flashbacks of what I buried. She believedwhatwastoldtoher herrape didn’tcountbecauseshewasdrunk.She shouldn’twearshortskirts.Thisiswhat acomprehensivesexualeducationcould have prevented. There should be no grappling with the truth for survivors. No parent should go through the pain when they realize their attempt to protecttheirchildhasfailed.Thesooner werealizethatsexualeducationplaysa key role in preventing sexual assault and intimate partner violence, the sooner we can re-evaluate opt-out policies.

The“MeToo”phrasecoinedin2006,but popularized in 2017 necessitated conversations at public schools around the country about how consent is addressed. Even now, it inspires me to speakopenlyaboutmyownexperience.

Iwassexuallyharassedandassaulted, and I did not have any sex education until the 11th grade. Opt-out policies continue to prevent comprehensive sexualeducationforallstudents.Asof 2020, 35 states and the District of Columbia allow parents to opt-out on the basis of providing parental autonomy.However,asofAugust2020, only 29 states and D.C. have required that sex education is taught in any capacityatall.

While comprehensive and repetitive sex education is a proven form of violence prevention and harm reduction, Massachusetts schools do not mandate that sex education be medically accurate, nor does it mandate curriculum on HIV/STIs, abstinence as an option, information on consent and healthy relationships, or abortion. Given that the COVID-19 pandemichasalreadycomplicatedthe sexual, social, and mental health of adolescents (by increasing online intimacy,sexting,sexualfirsts),sexual health information must be properly shared and taught by professionals to better navigate this growing virtual sexuallandscape.1in3womenand andamajorityofparentsbelievethatit shouldbetaughtinschoolsratherthan by themselves, then why is sexual education not prioritized? Unlike Massachusetts, New Jersey, which has had the lowest rate of rape for more than a decade, has laws that require students to learn about consent and through a sexual assault prevention program, about intimate partner violence. It is the state with the most robust sexual education curriculum in the U.S. and this reflects how low its ratesofsexualviolencearecomparedto therestofthecountry.

1in5meninMassachusettsnotebeing raped, and/or a victim of interpersonal violence.50%ofwomenand25%ofmen inthestatereportexperiencing a form of sexual violence that isn’t rape. But there is no requirement that sex education teachers need to undergo specific training or coursework before teaching students in Massachusetts. Parental notice is also explicitly necessarywhileparentalconsentisnot. Upon notification of sexual education, parents may opt out on behalf of their children.

If schools are the only site for formal sexual education, then opt-out and optin policies will only lead to adolescents seeking information out elsewhere; the pandemic is enough evidence of students doing so. Is it safer to receive primary and introductory sexual education in a formal setting or with friends the same age, pornography, or google?Aretheycomparable?Research shows that having sexual education in formalsettingslikeschoolbeforetheage of18isamajorprotectivefactortoavoid sexual assault during college. Hence, parents being able to opt out of school sex-ed when offered could be more detrimentalforthefutureofouryouth.

New Jersey achieved this by implementingsignificantpolicychanges tosexualeducationinJune2020.These changes ensured that sex education curricula would incorporate conversations around gender identity and abortion. According to Patricia Teffenhart,theExecutiveDirectorofthe New Jersey Coalition Against Sexual Assault (NJCASA), the reason behind thesechangesisbecausesexeducation is proven to be a resiliency factor for sexual violence and therefore contributes to the overall well-being of adolescents.

But if sex education is crucial to the sexualhealthandwell-beingofchildren,

Sexualviolenceoccursatalarmingrates forteenagersandcollegestudents,most ofwhichcouldbepreventableifschools focus on educating children of all ages aboutboundaries,respectingthem,and creating a culture of care versus carelessness. It’s not about eradicating all opt-out options immediately, but ratherlearningmoreaboutwhyopt-out policiesdomoreharmthangoodforthe youth of America and how we change this. particularly notable, I hope we can all understand how varied the lived experience can be. No one story is the same, despite my (hardest) efforts to extract themes to ensure a smooth and cohesive reading experience. While we managedtofocalizeontherelationship betweenmotheranddaughter,sex,love, periods,PCOSandendometriosis,sexual education, and the trauma underlying sexual violence, we did not know that's wherewewouldendup.

WhenIwasyounger,maybewetalked around it at home, or with friends discreetly through innuendos that I didn’tunderstand, butitwasn’texplicit, and it wasn’t enough. Repetition is required. While it might be uncomfortable,doitanywaybeforeit’s too late. Ask questions, talk, learn, and listen.

Whilethinkingaboutsexualeducation,I thought about my first. The first time I learned about reproductive organs was in biology class. Then, it was in health class–inthetenthgrade.ThefirsttimeI saw these organs in a non-sexual way was as a senior patient care technician when inserting catheters. What the overly academic introduction to reproductive organs provided me with was a dearth of information for when thetimeactuallywastocome.Infact,it scaredmeofffromtrulyunderstanding. Itdidn’tprotectme,butrathermademe vulnerabletosexualviolence.

So,here’safirstforusalltoconsider-destigmatize,destigmatize,destigmatize. Talkaboutit,becausetalkingaboutitin asafeenvironmentdoesn’tcausesexual behavior. It educates and reduces the risk of finding out through experimentationwiththewrongpeople atthewrongtime,and/orafterviolence.

Ramya Chunduri is an amateur animator and illustrator who engages in artistic storytelling and advocacy for health problems such as domestic violence within the South Asian community. She is also a non-profitentrepreneur,psychotherapist,and clinicalsocialworker.

WOW, we've covered a lot of ground, haven't we? I suppose I was right to assume that firsts, be it something we feel embarrassed about, something we're sentimental about, or even something. we wish we could change, inspires a lot for people. One of our delightful writers even shared that it was"cathartic"toputpentopaper(okay, fine,fingerstokeyboard)andhashouta storythathadlivedonformanyyearsin herheartandmind.

I'veenjoyednothingmorethancurating this issue for you. I've hand-selected these pieces, and my goal was to take you through a journey of firsts, be it good,bad,orugly.

The 11 Seconds Magazine was founded upon one central tenet and it is our breadandbutter.Wewanttolisten. We wanttolistentothestoriesthatoftengo untold,thatgethiddeninthecrevicesof the mind, that get smushed down into bite-sized pieces digestible for an audience not worthy of you, that get changed and transformed and exist as anentityoutsideyou.

It's the beauty of the story. There's a beginning,amiddle,andanend,andit's uptoyoutodecidetheorderitbelongs in.

As the 11 Seconds Magazine grows and envelops more readers, writers, artists, and thinkers, we look forward to listening,listening,andlistening.

Tellusyourstory.Whyyou?Whynow? Tell us why the words itch your brain, whyyourfingerstwitchtosmearcolor, why lyricism floats off your tongue. We'llbehereforitall.

Throughthequestionof"firsts,"aseither the very first thing in a set of actions/experiences, as something that hasneverhappened,orassomething

Untilwemeetagain. XOXO,