Introverts Lament

In recent tragic news, hordes of anxious Canberrans are once again being forced to invent new reasons they can’t leave the house on Thursday nights now that Mooseheads reopening. Thanks to the global pandemic, nervous introverts have been given respite from the sweaty, over-crowded rooms of sexually charged socialising with people you only kind of know. Now that this brief window of peace is coming to a close, one can expect to say farewell to chilled drinks with friends and a return to the weekly hellish nightscape.

“If it was just Thursday nights, I could probably deal with it,” commented Anna, a chronically stressed undergraduate. “But it writes all the girls off for Fridays too. Who am I supposed to get brunch with? Am I expected to get coffee by myself? And what about Saturday nights? Are they back too? Will my torment never end?”

The reopening of Mooseheads is not all bad, however, with businesses surrounding the nightclub to have a massive boom. Civic Maccas is expecting a mass increase in late-night purchasing of nuggets and hash browns. Similarly, the 24-hour convenience store is expected to cash in on the return of drunk smokers who buy packets of durries to enjoy exclusively on nights out. ‘Can I cop a dart?’ will no doubt soon again be heard echoing through the bus station.

Amina, a college social rep, also sees the positive side of Mooseheads returning, particularly for first year ANU students. “This will give them the opportunity to experience true university life. Finally, these eighteen year olds can wake up to the smell of vomit in the communal bathrooms, phones missing, and with over $100 mysteriously absent from their bank accounts. They can live, first-hand, the complex repercussions of hooking up with as many people from your college as possible. Our natural habitat is healing. It’s going to be beautiful.”

So dust off those white sneakers, pull out your ‘nice top’, and make sure to check on your friend with sensory-triggered anxiety, because Mooseheads is finally back and it’s time to drink irresponsibly.