I
FEATURED COLUMNIST
Healing the Father-Son Wound just had the opportunity to talk with Jed Diamond, mostly about this important topic. You can watch this video conversation on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/ pmJvM0_0ToQ. I feel it is vital for not only men, but also women, to understand the father-son wound, and to know how to heal it. Over the decades, I have watched (and of course helped) men become better fathers. I have seen men who have had difficult relationships with their fathers go on to father their own children with much more love and awareness. Of course there are father-daughter wounds, mother-daughter wounds, and mother-son wounds too. But I want to focus on the father-son wounds for this article. Let’s look at two broad categories: The wounds from abuse and the wounds from neglect. The wounds from abuse include verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. My father
By Barry and Joyce Vissell
would rage. He was like a volcano. The pressure inside him would build when things didn’t go his way. Then he would explode with loud yelling. Sometimes, the explosion would become physical. I particularly remember defying him when I was perhaps 12 years old. He used his fists on me until I was bloody. The wounds from neglect include not being present enough (physically or emotionally) or withholding praise and love. My father often worked at a job swing-shift, the afternoon and evenings, a one-hour drive into New York City, making it 10 hours a day. I basically didn’t see him except for the weekends, when he mostly slept. I remember longing to have him play catch with me, but he never did. Many people don’t realize that the neglect of an absent father can hurt just as much as the abuse of a raging father. I didn’t realize until I was well into adulthood that my father was often jealous
12 / June 2024 / Capitola Soquel Times www.tpgonlinedaily.com
of me. While my older sister, Donna, and quickly approached my dad in the kitchen. my younger brother, Richard, seemed closer I gently took hold of his shoulders, looked to my father, I was deeply bonded to my into his eyes and said, “Dad, your yelling is mother. scaring and hurting me!” A typical evening on the weekend when It was just like I had awakened my my father was home involved watching tele- father from a dream or trance. He was comvision. There were two couches in our little pletely unaware of his behavior. I noticed TV room. On one couch sat my tears forming in his eyes, then he dad with my brother and sister said, “Barry, that’s the last thing on either side of him. On the other I would ever want to do to you.” couch, I have fond memories of Within seconds, we were hugging lying with my head in my mom’s each other, while my mom sat at lap, while she stroked my head. the table watching and wondering Of course, he felt jealous. The what had just happened. way he expressed these feelings I was prepared for these was not healthy. At every meal, explosions to happen often during Jed Diamond when he was present, he insisted the visit, but it never happened on being served first by my mom, and then again, so powerful was my vulnerable the children after him. intervention. How do we heal these wounds? If our The key here is to become aware of your fathers are still alive, we can have important feelings. Although Joyce helped me, you may conversations with them, allowing them to need the help of a therapist. hear our pain. Sadly, I never took the opporAnd what if your father is no longer tunity to do this before my father died. I alive. The healing work can still be done. You expressed my anger at him plenty of times, can still voice your feelings to him, and it will but this did little good. help you. I would like to offer a powerful method Here’s another powerful healing tool: No of healing: Vulnerability. Here’s an example matter how difficult your father was, nobody from maybe 30 years ago. As a child, I learned is all bad. Remember anything positive about to cope with my dad’s outbursts of anger by him. disappearing emotionally. He would yell and Once you open to even one good I would be gone. memory, others will follow. I now realize My body would be in the same room, but a great quality I inherited from my dad. my mind and feelings were elsewhere. It’s He took social risks that would sometimes called dissociation. Joyce would be incred- embarrass my mom, without caring what ulous after these explosions that I wasn’t people thought about him. aware of what had happened. I realized I Waiting on the checkout line at the needed help to stay in my feelings. I humbly supermarket, he would turn around and look asked the person who was acutely aware of into the shopping cart of the person behind the pain and sadness resulting from these him. He would say, “I see you’re buying episodes… my wife. asparagus. Thanksgiving was approaching in three What are you planning to do with it? months. My parents were planning to be with The person would hesitantly start to tell my us for a week. I asked Joyce to train me to stay dad their plans, but he would interrupt with present in my feelings when the inevitable something like, “Let me tell you what would explosions of rage took place. She asked me be better.” And then he would, whether the how these explosions made me feel. I dug person wanted this or not. deep and felt the pain, sadness, and yes, fear. While I sincerely hope I am more senThis was my key vulnerability that I needed sitive than he was, I hope I have taken his gift to feel, rather than dissociate. It was like I was to the next level, where I have spoken what training for a marathon. I needed help, and I see even if it is met with resistance. Thank Joyce was a dedicated trainer. you, dad, for this chutzpah! n Finally, Thanksgiving came, and my ••• father was in the kitchen wanting to cook Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/thersomething the day after they arrived. My apist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, mantra was “be ready, be ready.” My dad are counselors in Aptos who are passionate couldn’t find an ingredient in our cupboard, about conscious relationship and personaland I watched the old familiar build-up of spiritual growth. They are the authors of volcanic pressure. The mantra kept going. Be 10 books, including their most recent work ready. Be ready. A Couple of Miracles: One Couple, More And I was ready when the explosion Than a Few Miracles, a semi-finalist for the came. He started yelling at my mother, who Online Book Club’s Book of the Year, and a free was sitting at the dining room table. I allowed audio album of sacred songs and chants. Visit myself to feel the pain and sadness, then their web site at SharedHeart.org.