PRINCETON’S S E C R E T S REVEALED BY ale x andro strauss ‘15 I llustrated by Angela Zhou ‘16
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ou may have been on campus for two, three, even four years by this point, but that doesn’t mean you don’t still have questions about this place and the secrets it holds. The Princeton Tiger recently acquired a set of sensitive documents that should put some of these questions to bed for good.
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Why does Princeton use steam for everything? Oh, you still believe that story? What if I told you that Princeton’s heating system uses no steam? That, in fact, it is powered by a radical new energy source? Believe it or not, it’s totally true. Princeton gets all of its heat solely from the friction generated in Chris Eisgruber’s Cuddle Castle! You’re probably calling bullshit right now — there’s no way a single underground facility can generate that much heat, right? Well, with some impressive advancements in ventilation and filtering technology, it’s totally possible!
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So why does my heater clank at night? Unfortunately, there’s one drawback to this system. The advanced circulation systems used to carry the heat to every corner of campus don’t work properly if they are lined with sound dampeners, so the sounds of the, er, heat generation carry through every heater on campus. (Don’t ask us why they’re louder in the evenings — even we don’t know that!)
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What’s up with that hallway leading off from the Terrace tap room? If you’ve ever been to Terrace during a waxing gibbous moon, you may have noticed that the short hallway leading off from the taproom is darker than usual, and its walls seem to be composed of a smooth, ash-like substance. On these nights, Terrace changes and becomes bigger on the inside than on the outside. Those who go into the hallway and successfully return speak of a horrifying space whose corridors constantly shift on them and of a deep growl that echoes through the whole building. Of course, it may be that our sources were super high at the time and just got lost on their way to the dance floor.