ISSUE 109
AUTUMN 2021
EXPAND YOUR MIND, REFINE YOUR WARDROBE
The Sparks Brothers “People compliment us on what we’re wearing and ask who designed it. Well, it’s by nobody you’ve ever heard of! If you wear the right tie you can make almost anything look good”
SEA SERPENTS
The marine explorer who devoted his life to searching for mythical creatures
CHICK HABIT
The connection between French ye-ye music, Serge Gainsbourg and Quentin Tarantino
PROHIBITION
The rise and fall of the bootleggers in the thirsty states of America 09>
9 771749 966087
ISSUE 109
£6.99
the Chap... By Wisbeach
An advice column in which readers are invited to pose pertinent questions on sartorial and etiquette matters, and even those of a romantic nature. Send your questions to wisbeach@thechap.co.uk
Shane Larkin: I possess several waistcoats, two of which have breast pockets. If sans jacket, would I be mocked mercilessly if I sported a small pocket square therein?
square into the upper left pocket of yours, everyone will assume it is an obscure eccentric tradition and will not dare to question it.
...
Montague Gristle: I have been reading the diaries of Sir Henry ‘Chips’ Channon, reviewed in issue 108. It has occurred to me that my failure to establish myself as a man of letters has been due to my lack of a nickname. Can you advise on a suitable appendage that would rest between my Montague and my Gristle?
WISBEACH: Sir, you would be mocked more mercilessly, at least by readers of this publication, were you to remove your jacket and there was no waistcoat underneath. What you choose to keep in your waistcoat pockets is your own affair. Mine, for example, contain a pocket watch, a cigar cutter, a meerschaum pipe, a pipe lighter, several pipe cleaners, a lucky netsuke stolen from Madam Sing-Sing’s house of ill repute (Shanghai), a silver snuffbox, a tin of Captain Fawcett’s Expedition Strength moustache wax and a small voodoo doll of Jeremy Clarkson. If you wish to insert a pocket
WISBEACH: What an agreeable task to be set, if I may say so, sir! Let us not forget that Chips Channon’s achievements included serving cocktails spiked with Benzedrine to the Queens of Spain and Romania “to make the party go” and a diary entry from 1938 that read “an unbelievable day in
8
a man needs a weapon, as much as he needs a pair of brogues. He wants something traditional, discreet and affordable. I have advised against a Taser as the battery life is short. I have suggested an Assegai, or a Kukri. Either a spear or a machete will be a sufficient deterrent if the Rozzers challenge Pelham for not wearing a face nappy during the unpleasantness. However, if Pelham chooses an Assegai, is he likely to offend the Nepalese Gurkhas, or, if he chooses a Kukri, will he offend the Zulu, Xhosa and other Nguni tribes of South Africa?
which two things occurred: Hitler took Vienna and I fell in love with the Prime Minister”. Sir, I have no idea of your achievements thus far, except for your voluminous and admirable correspondence with this publication (see below). I therefore feel that a suitable nickname for you would be Montague ‘Chaps’ Gristle.
...
Montague Gristle: As soon as the Unpleasantness has finished, I shall be leaving my Sanatorium to trek across the Hindu Kush. Can you advise on a hat that will not only protect me from inclement weather, but will also pass muster in the event of my betrothal and wedding to a tribeswoman of good family and character? WISBEACH: Given the current unpleasantness in that region, sir, the most suitable form of headwear would either be a ‘Desert Storm’ issue GS MK6 helmet with Desert DPM cover, or a turban. The latter is more likely to endear you to the local militia and may even result in ribald badinage at the caravanserai.
WISBEACH: A knotty conundrum for young Pelham, sir! Even were he to choose the Taser, he may offend the tribes in some of the less salubrious quarters of our nation’s cities. Whichever weapon he chooses, someone or other will be offended, so my recommendation is that you teach him the ancient martial art of Bartitsu. This self-defence system, created by Edward Barton-Wright in 1898, deployed the ordinary accoutrements of gentlemen, such as walking canes and umbrellas, to defend themselves against footpads and ruffians in the street. Pelham will therefore be armed every time he sets forth from his abode with his rain cover or walking aid.
...
Mike George: As a chap who has for the last two years been a police officer in what can only be described as very plain clothes, I carry a number of items which are linked to the martial arts. These are hidden away to prevent the ladies becoming all of a quiver. What can you advise that would be suitable for both looking dashing and also allow for the carrying of said weapons? I do need to flash the cuff.
...
Montague Gristle: I have found it increasingly difficult to have a face-to-face consultation with my Natural Health Physician. I have been told I need to be ‘triaged.’ How do I prepare for this ordeal?
WISBEACH: Sir, may I respectfully refer you to the above query and response. Simply by carrying a cane or umbrella, you would be in possession of items which are linked to the martial arts. It would also mean that the weapons would not spoil the line of your suit. I myself have found that a pair of nunchucks sticking out of one’s breast pocket causes the ladies to become such of a quiver that they run a mile. n
WISBEACH: Mr. Gristle (or ‘Chaps’ Gristle, if I may), triage is usually carried out in emergency rooms, disasters and wars, when limited medical resources must be allocated to maximise the number of survivors. Your GP is grossly exaggerating a situation that in reality consists of a few insipid individuals complaining of a persistent cough and not being able to smell their takeaway meals (in my humble opinion, not such a bad thing). I therefore suggest that you seek private medical care.
...
Montague ‘Chaps’ Gristle: My nephew Pelham is 14. He has reached an age and an understanding that, in life,
9
Chap Life
A CHAP IN Brendan Kavanagh recounts a tale of survival with suitably Chappish standards during a period of lawful incarceration in a quarantine hotel
A
t the time of Dante, what was understood of the ancient texts was that there were stories which began well and ended badly, and these were tragedies. Conversely, those which started badly and ended well were comedies. Dante’s tale of the journey to the Divine was thus a Comedy. Dante himself simply called his poem a Comedy, the Divine title being added later by others. My tale is thus a comedy, embracing the terrestrial rather than the celestial; it is a history, exploring the practical, the ethical and the sensible response to the absurd, a discourse on the role of reason and the individual in society.
14
“My fellow inmates and I were asked to fill out a form; one fellow was promptly released with great ceremony as he was evidently undertaking work of great importance. It transpired that he was a vending machine mechanic”
The successful conversion of breakfast into a proper repast
Midway through my journey in this life I found myself in a dark wood, lost, with the right way completely gone. More specifically, I was travelling from Melbourne back to Sydney. At the time of the Unpleasantness, such a journey required a travel permit and, being a law-abiding soul, I had obtained one. It clearly stated that I was allowed to enter the State of New South Wales unhindered, subject to certain conditions – I was to proceed directly to my home, self-isolate for 14 days, demonstrate that I was free of Covid-19, etc, etc – whereafter I was free to wander the streets unfettered.
I arrived in Sydney and manfully proffered my permit with a cheery smile, whose effect was diminished by a mask, and was met with blank indifference, bordering on insolence. “Why are you here?” The questions progressed with more complexity. “What was I going to do and did it justify my being there?” “Was it, or I, or anyone, truly of any importance or worth?” I was initially both impressed and taken aback. I hadn’t realised that border control officers dallied in the area of epistemological speculation.
15
Interview
The Spa r k s B rother s The release of Edgar Wright’s extraordinary and exciting documentary The Sparks Brothers, along with Leos Carax’s film Annette, gave CHAP French correspondent Jean-Emmanuel Deluxe the chance for a cheerful chinwag with two mighty brothers whose artistic, human and sartorial journey is a force to be reckoned with
“We don’t understand why in 2021 celebrities have to be associated with a designer company. Like no-one having any imagination outside being dressed by a fashion brand. They are being given clothes to wear for the night and then they give them back. So they don’t even own the clothing” 22
I
n these forced globalization times where, if we are not careful enough, we may all end up wearing, listening and eating the same things from Newcastle to Kuala Lumpur via Rouen, Sparks’ long career represents a glimmer of hope. ‘Neither quite the same nor quite another’, to use Verlaine’s lines, Sparks recall a huge host
of different images. Depending on your decade and geographical location, Ron and Russell Mael are at the same time a glam, a disco and a tongue-in-cheek cabaret act. They are known for collaborations with Rita Mitsouko, Franco-Belgian pop icon Lio, Jane Wielding of Go-Go’s hall of fame, Georgio Moroder, Tony Visconti and
23
History
REAL AMERICANS DON'T NEED SALOONS Chris Sullivan gallops through the dark days of the Volstead Act, which kept America involuntarily dry for thirteen years, with mostly disastrous consequences and a few rays of light
“It is prohibition that makes anything precious”
T
oday is an apt time to look at that great American mishap named Prohibition, which banned the sale and consumption of alcohol across the whole of the USA for 13 long, dry years. Not only because it came in the wake of a deadly pandemic, but also because the movement was initiated, implemented and kept alive by small-minded extremists from the sticks. But to understand the 1917 Volstead Act, we need to look a little further back to America’s relationship with booze. George Washington imbibed at least half a pint of 50% proof rum every day, and President John Adams had a few pints of the strongest cider every morning with his breakfast. Doctors advised drinking beer instead of the often-foul river and well water and men drank an innocuous 2% beer all day, every day. Some might
MARK TWAIN
“Overnight a million alcohol related workers were unemployed. Overnight gangs of armed men started hijacking liquor lorries and warehouses. Overnight mobsters in every city were rubbing their hands with glee. The Roaring Twenties had begun, but for many the only roaring was the sound of machine guns”
85
Biography
Driven Mad By the Great Sea Serpent Charles G.M. Paxton explores the life of Captain George Drevar: sailor, inventor, would-be murderer, convict, award-winning life saver, aspiring Channel crosser and sea serpent enthusiast
“Drevar’s mania with sea monsters was born, and the road to the Old Bailey was opened. In addition to collecting little sea snakes on his travels, Drevar wrote pamphlets arguing that the sea serpent was the Leviathan of the Bible and hence a vindication of God’s word. So Rothery was in league with Satan in teasing Drevar over his beliefs”
94
M
ay 1881 saw a rather curious case come before the Old Bailey. George Drevar was accused of sending threatening letters to the British Wreck Commissioner (the official responsible for investigating shipwrecks of British merchant vessels), Henry Cadogan Rothery. Drevar had been captain and part owner of the Norfolk, which had stranded on Hartwell Reef in the Cape Verde Islands in July 1878. A mistake in navigation, overlooked currents, the ship’s cargo blocking the pumps and the lookout taken from his primary duty led no-one to realise the ship was heading straight on to the reef. In October 1879, the Wreck Commissioner judged Drevar responsible (the alcoholic second officer having absconded). Drevar’s captain’s license was suspended for six months. Drevar strongly resented the outcome of the enquiry, but this was not Drevar’s sole bone of contention. “Some evidence was given showing that the prisoner believed in the existence of the sea serpent, and the prisoner himself stated that his conduct had been partly induced by the insults he had received from Mr Rothery, because Drevar, in his own words ‘was doing the Almighty’s work in making his wonders known’”. Drevar was obsessed with sea serpents. He had started by collecting some little sea snakes in the 1870s. Not really a chap of the hedonistic variety, he was so proud of one of his preserved snakes that when the Norfolk sank, his priority was to procure some rum from another shipwrecked vessel nearby – not to imbibe, but to pickle his serpents.
Drevar’s angry letters to the commissioner called him “an unfeeling brute” and a “modern Jesuit” as well as threatening Rothery with murder. This led to Drevar’s arrest in April 1881 by Inspector Donald Swanson of the Yard (who would later lead the investigation into Jack the Ripper). When Drevar finally came to trial, the defending barrister admitted a variety of witnesses to Drevar’s good character. He argued that Drevar’s belief in the existence of the sea serpent, the incredulity with which it was received, the loss of his ship, his sense of injustice over the wreck report and his financial ruin had led to “his mind becoming temporarily unhinged”. With regard to the sea serpent, the defence admitted that he had “been suffering under a delusion respecting its existence but regards all other matters he was quite sane.” Drevar was sent down for three months. But Drevar had fallen in with a sea serpent not once, but twice. Drevar had been a witness of one of the more famous sea serpent cases on record, when the barque Pauline (Drevar being the master) saw the great sea serpent off Cape San Roque, Brazil in July 1875. It was, according to multiple witnesses, attempting to constrict a sperm whale. A few days later, Drevar would see the sea serpent again, this time without the sperm whale. We still do not know for sure what the crew of the Pauline actually saw. It has been conjectured that the sea serpent was actually a giant squid being consumed by the sperm whale and fighting for its life, or the penis of one of the whales (who were described
95
Firle’s openers Yearsley and Samuel, with suitable protective headgear for this ancient fixture
Cricket
Top hats and Tea on the Village Green Sam Knowles provides a detailed match report for an ancient fixture that provides the real fanfare to cricket’s newest format
“A match of cricket will be played at Firle Park on Thursday Sept 4, 1851, between eleven Gentlemen of Lewes and eleven Gentlemen of Firle. Wickets to be pitched at ten o’clock. A dinner will be provided by Mr. Mockett, of the Ram Inn, at two o’clock”
W
ith the imminent spectre of The Hundred – the newest, most glitzy form of cricket – lurking on the horizon, a disgruntled Daily Telegraph reader expressed extreme distaste for innovation in the noble game on the paper’s letters page:
with ‘one thing and another’ postponing the launch of The Hundred. Or so they thought. The past 18 months have seen much confused decision-making at the heart of Whitehall and many a U-turn. But none have been more rapid and dramatic than the U-turn on cricket. At breakfast time on 3rd July last year, Boris Johnson told a radio interviewer that “changing rooms and teas and whatnot” meant the noble game of WG Grace faced an indefinitely prolonged hiatus. By the teatime press conference, Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty made his boss look silly – not for the first or last time during the pandemic. “So long as players arrive changed, don’t use the pavilion, bring their own teas, and elbow bump rather than hug when they take wickets, cricket can
Sir – I see that The Hundred cricket is to employ “an allstar line-up of DJs and rappers” in an effort to attract a more diverse and younger audience. Have nightclubs considered earlier hours and softer music in an effort to attract a more diverse, older audience? No. I thought not. Hilary Mathews, Tring, Hertfordshire The England & Wales Cricket Board was thwarted in its efforts to modernise the game in 2020, what
121