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205.989.0053 38 Southern Jewish Life • November 2014
Thisnot is Your Chai I’m Jewish
18
IIndon’t lox. the eat beginning, there was a Need more proof than that? That alone is often enough to make people question. take and go home. It their was abagel warm, sunny, summer Shabbat morning, when an *** unsuspecting woman was While on staff at a synagogue in Pittsburgh, numerous people quesapproached in a synagogue parking lot, and asked the question that tioned whether I was really Jewish. After all, I wouldn’t eat herring, kugel, would launch a thousand quips. kichel, kreplach, rugelach, blintzes, tuna of the land, or chicken of the “Do you think you know four rabbis who would prefer people sleeping sea. No tsimmes or burekas, no schmaltz or tagaleh. I called chopped through the sermon, rather than talking during it?” She said, “probably.” liver chopped liver. I like gefilte fish, but only from the jar — without From that came the headline, “Rabbis prefer sleeping during sermon.” horseradish. In that first fateful column, 18 years ago, her innocuous “probably” On Chanukah, I won’t go near a jelly doughnut. On Purim, I find hawas the basis of the scientific assertion that four out of five rabbis prefer mantashen pointless. On Rosh Hashanah, I won’t even put honey on my sleeping during a sermon. From where came the fifth rabbi? Simple: apple. On Shabbat, I find raisins inchallahrable. On Yom Kippur, I fast a When was the last time five rabbis agreed on anything? Thus, four out little slower. of five. However, by virtue of teaching all of their B’nai Mitzvah, and doing all The journalistic integrity and investigative skills demonstrated there the Torah reading — four days a week, plus holidays — they continued to could have easily led to a prestigious career today in covering the Middle debate the question. East for most major news outlets. But instead, this column labored every Still think I’m Jewish? Others have been buying me a slice with pepmonth (except for the ones that were missed), and sometimes twice peroni by now. monthly, to bring almost several laughs to its almost several readers. *** Southern Shofar though, despite It rode the sound waves of The contractual stipulation, never rode in thetheseat a Southern I’m from Alabama. Living in California, onlybehind thing more inconChauffeur. It thenCalifornians spoke in itsthan own Deep South Jewish Voice, before ceivable to many someone from Alabama is someone settling in to Southern Jewish Life‘s hind end — unless you read the Jewish from Alabama. magazine right to left, which does not make most of the news today make Still suspect I’m a Member of the Tribe? What, you weren’t in enough more, or less, already? sense. of a minority Over the years, this column presented the wisdom of the recently*** Bava Gump which, among other discovered, long-lost Mishnah tractate things, teachesof how shrimp cantutoring be kosher. The parents a child I was gave me four tickets to a Pirates Thewhen column retoldwere the in legendary adventures the her beloved young game the Mets town. (Ignore that I of taught for her Bat kabbalist,– Harry Plotzer, and his adventures Mitzvah it undermines our topic sentence.)with The Sanhedrin’s Stone, through of fans Shpielkis, with The Prisoner Ashkenaz Of the The veryChamber few sports in myand fraternity house, evenoffewer liked and The Gabbai Fire, though to notbring yet getting to The Deadly Challahs. baseball. So I toldofmy girlfriend two of her sorority sisters. So, on Occasionally there guests,with sucha as the recurring oneand dueato a harea Friday night, I’m at awere ballgame blonde, a brunette redhead. brained rabbinical Ask thecreating Rabbit, stories as well about as Gurb Caveman All three amusedtypo, themselves methe sneaking to Rabbi, andall thethe occasional special report fromwe The Oynion. ballgames time. After several denials, hear someone shout my Explored werefind calendar anomalies and events, and surreal, such as name. We can’t the source. We hear it again,real eventually realizing it Thanksnukah, Mezuzapalooza, Kolaway. Nidre the 13th, Purover, Chrisnukah, was the beer vendor about 10 rows Yomtober, the pirated The girlsand laughed for theRosh nextHashaarrrnah two innings. and Day of Aarrrtonement. The chorus of “Bubbe’s Been By a this Reindeer” was sung, the A few innings later, he’s back, Run doingOver it again, time closer. He says, Rebbe at the Bat got belldo rung, and the Grinch who hated Jew-ville “you have no idea whohis I am, you?” I didn’t. had hisnext hatred unstrung. The morning, while Torah reading, I’m pointing to the start of case itand wasn’t apparent, this is the 18th anniversary this theInaliyah, the guy does nothing. After a few seconds, Iofsee he’sspace just not being for rent. In honor of this Chai anniversary, it would seem looking at me, smiling, waiting for me to do the math. appropriate tooftoast with some chai tea. For the rest the it day, and many a Saturday thereafter, I was the leyner Except chai teaonhas bafflednight rabbinic hundreds who was atthat a ballgame a Friday with ascholars blonde, for a brunette andof a seconds. (“Should we have seconds? Is one cup enough? Let’s drink on redhead. it.”By ) After all, the chaiblonde’s is not pronounced Chai, a cupthe of right chai the way, last name waslike Stine (no,though not spelled makes it easier to pronounce Chai. And some say that chai has properties way). that help extend one’s life, hat one’strick? Chai.This might do the trick… Still nottoconvinced by that And what is chai tea’s relationship to Thai Iced Tea? Is there such a thing as Thai Chai Tea? If there is, *** are its effects best described as tai chi forMy thename digestive system? couldn’t sound less Jewish without a well-placed “Chris.” Theseinare questions ponder during this High Day Case point, when to I was looking to pledge AEPi,Holy there wasseason, some though perhaps not late afternoon on Yom Kippur. This column continued on on theprevious previous page continued