rear pew mirror • doug brook
Huh... What Was That... Would You Say It Again, Please...
It Could Be Time To Check Your Hearing
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Royal Succession The world has recently watched the laying to rest of the Queen of England, whose 70-year reign was nearly as long as the sermon last Yom Kippur. So this is a good time to remind all both of our readers that there was actually a long lineage of monarchy in Jewish history. Yes, we have the King of Kings. But in addition to Elvis, we have the Big G who created heaven, earth, and income tax. If that’s not enough, while people slept through Sunday School they dreamt about names they subconsciously heard like King David, King Solomon, and King crab legs. There was even a queen! Nearly three thousand years ago, Queen Atalya rose to power by seizing the throne of Judah after a very complicated story which even Hollywood would struggle to make believable. Among other things, to secure her newfound power she immediately executed every potential heir to the throne. Nevertheless, the end of her six-year reign was slightly less peaceful than Elizabeth II’s, because she missed one. Her predecessor’s infant nephew had been hidden and, when his existence was revealed, she was killed during a rebellion. From centuries before her, King Saul, King David and King Solomon are the names people might get right on Jeopardy!, but they were only the beginning. After Solomon died, a small typo in the royal paperwork resulted in — not a peaceful succession — but a secession, which split Israel into two kingdoms: Israel and Judah. Israel, the northern kingdom, lasted only a couple centuries. Judah, the southern kingdom which included Jerusalem, lasted much longer and is what most people know stories about. Nobody came close to Elizabeth II’s septuagenary tenure, though Menashe (not the original one) ruled Judah (not the original’s brother) for 55 years. Close behind was Uzziah’s 52-year rule, during which Greece hosted the first Olympiad — though there’s no indication Israel sent any athletes. Both their rules ended due to medical reasons such as natural causes or leprosy, unlike others whose eras ended due to medical reasons such as fire, arrows, and various variants of a biblical disease called assassination. Conversely, the shortest reigns were barely a drizzle. Shallum ruled the northern kingdom for one month, after which his successor assassinated him. One might say he had it coming, because Shallum himself rose to power by killing his predecessor Zachariah — who’d ruled for only six months before Shallum killed him in front of his people. One year, three kings, and a national mint that couldn’t keep up with all the changes to their commemorative coins. Meanwhile, down in Judah, Josiah — the aforementioned arrow recipient — was succeeded by Jehoachaz who ruled for only three months. Somehow, the king of Egypt removed him and he was replaced by his brother. Johoyakim ruled for 11 years and was unsuccessfully succeeded by Jehoyachin, who lasted three months and 10 days when Nebuchadnezzar deposed him, and the Babylonskis summarily captured Jerusalem. It’s notable that some dispute details about the death of Josiah — both biblical accounts of it — saying he was beheaded instead. Either way, he got the point. Also notable is what succeeded Judah’s aforementioned unsuccessful queen. The seven-year-old Jehoash held the throne for 40 years but was himself killed by his own servants, seemingly in revenge for him execut-
If at first you don’t succeed…
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September 2022 • Southern Jewish Life