SJL Deep South, September 2017

Page 62

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High Holy Gaze Throughout the year, most people at synagogue share one common thought: Why can’t services be longer? The rabbis of old, endowed with as much clairvoyant perception as they lacked in sarcasm perception, provided the High Holy Day services. High Holy Day services give people a chance to reflect. A very big chance — though not enough of one, as the state of society indicates. Perhaps people would reflect more if they weren’t vampires. Or, if they interspersed their deeper thoughts with random musings such as…

The Book of Jonah

Does owning half of a quarterhorse give you an eighth of a horse? If so, is half of this Haftarah a quarter of the Torah? What if Jonah had a fish allergy? Whales are mammals. The original text says “big fish.” The movie “Big Fish” didn’t even have a character named Jonah. I’m too confused. Or dehydrated. Yeah. Look around. Most of these people have no idea there’s more to the story than fish food. If I tell students to write an essay regurgitating all they know about Jonah, will they get it? Maybe Ahab was seeking revenge for Jonah. Maybe I should have read “Moby Dick” when I was supposed to. Or “The Catcher in the Rye.” Or “The Great Gatsby.” How did I graduate? How did I end up with two degrees in English? SOME RANDOM Or “As You Like It.” Or “King Lear.” Or “Maccers.” How did I end up running a THOUGHTS Shakespeare company?

THAT OCCUR High Holy Day cuisine WHEN YOU ARE Apples and honey. The perfect finger SUPPOSED TO BE food when wearing nice clothes for services. ATONING… Whoever came up with the word “fast”

to describe not eating or drinking was an idiot. He might have thought he was funny or ironic. He wasn’t. Break fast for dinner? I always go to work after breakfast. I can hold out another 12 hours.


If I have to stand the whole time, why does the name have “kneel” in it? I see three stars. More, even. They’re spinning all around me. Sure. I can wait until after rehearsal tonight to eat something.


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I’d like to hire a ram’s horn to drive me around. That guy’s Sh’varim didn’t make me shiver. Dodge Ram trucks should have a Jewish option, where the Ram’s horn sounds like a Shofar. Nope. That was only eight short ones. I want a truer T’ruah. Start over. Did Morse steal his Code from the Shofar blasts? Did Robert Morse know Morse Code? If they ever make me run High Holy Day Youth Service again, we’re playing a game of T’ruah False. Wow. We need to sit shiva for that guy’s Sh’varim. Okay, so who figured out that if you blow through a ram’s horn in just the right way that it makes a sound. Really. What course of events led to discovering that? continued on the previous page