rear pew mirror • doug brook
The Unkosher: Going whole hog
Cravings old as time. Longings old as thyme. Dairy served with beef. It’s the beautiful beast that lurks inside many a Jewish soul. That one unkosher delight that we just can’t indulge in. Or only occasionally. Or all the time, and who bothers with all those rules anyway? The wondering about what chicken parmesan would be like if it weren’t a pareve chicken. The dreaming of just once trying a shrimp cocktail, with shrimp. What if you didn’t have to wonder or dream anymore? Imagine if the world worked in opposite. What if, in these cat days of summer, you found yourself in a world where the rules of kashrut were replaced? Not secretly with Folger’s Crystals, but the exact reverse from what we all know and lov… are familiar with. Let’s find out…
Dairy and Meat
Whenever you eat meat, it is required that you eat something dairy with it. If you’re lactose intolerant, you’ll have to take it up with the Big G. Similarly, if you eat something dairy, it must be accompanied by a meat product. After eating meat, you must eat something dairy before six hours elapse. Similarly, you must eat meat within one hour of eating dairy. At least you won’t starve. And you DO YOU THINK must go swimming within thirty minutes after KEEPING THE every meal. OPPOSITE OF
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Award-winning house-aged steaks and prime rib Hand-cut steaks Gulf-fresh seafood
Animals
Of the animals of the land, you can eat only those who do not chew their cud and have split hooves. Of all other animals you can partake, unless they have been ritually slaughtered. Among the fowl animals, you can eat only those that are birds of prey. This means you cannot partake of chicken or turkey, unless you happen to find one reciting the Shema. Such birds of pray are welcome, and go great with provolone. Of the animals of the sea, you can eat only those that do not have fins and scales. It is acceptable to partake of animals that are weighed on a scale before purchase.
Dishes
You must have a single set of dishes for dairy and meat. As above, you can’t eat one without the other anyway, but even your serving dishes can’t provide one without the other. When you use a serving utensil, you must dip it both into a dairy and a meat product at the same time. Otherwise, neither food item is allowed to be consumed.
Now Open For Lunch at 11:30 a.m. every day
featuring items such as burgers, cod, Reubens and Greek-style chicken
Packaging
Lunch and Dinner Monday-Sunday
150 Main Street • Hoover Patton Creek Shopping Center
205.989.0053 38 Southern Jewish Life • August 2015
KOSHER IS ANY EASIER?
You are not allowed to eat any food whose packaging has the letter K on it, in any form. For example, Kellogg’s is developing a special cereal brand: “Ellogg’s Special J.” Similarly, you may not partake of any foods that contain the letters O-U on them. Flour is exempt from this limitation. The rabbis argued that nobody partakes of flour itself – that it’s merely an ingredient. Some modern scholars believe that the real reason is they all liked their wives’ challah too much.
Shopping
All foods must be bought during the Sabbath. Any food not purchased continued on previous page