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rear pew mirror • doug brook
Biblical scandals Editorial note: This was scheduled to be a piece about biblical sandals. Due to an erroneous autocorrect that slipped by a pair of nimrods, we apologize for presenting this instead.
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Today’s world frequently provides scandals of biblical proportions. So, it might be interesting, and even instructive, to revisit the great scandals that are actually in the Bible. Instead of doing that, this will be a brief exploration of scandals in the Bible as they’d have been referred to in today’s world. These are presented in the order they occurred in the Torah, except for the ones presented out of sequence. Watergate – To provide water to the Israelites, Moses was supposed to speak to the rock but he decided he wanted a break in listening to the Big G’s commands, so he hit it instead. Applegate – Eating fruit from the Trees of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Knowledge was forbidden to Adam and Eve, but they were seduced into it by a snake. What better appellation for this than the name of the devil in D*mn Y*nkees? Abelgate – Humanity’s first murder and the origin story of sibling rivalry fed the first instance of raising Cain since Adam and Eve tried to parent their boys. Floodgate – The Big G didn’t like what it said about Him that all the people created in Her image were rotten, so They left the faucet on and tapped Noah for mankind’s mulligan. Ironically, Noah was never portrayed on screen by Richard Mulligan. Babelgate – The people were successfully building a tower toward heaven so, to stymie productivity, the Big G introduced the inability to understand communication in the workplace, that’s still religiously pracThis column may ticed today. or may not be Birthrightgate – Jacob sneaking in with a meal for papa Isaac before Esau sponsored by got back from a field trip was the first proof that the way to steal a man’s heart Gates of Prayer… is through his stomach. Rachelgate – Lavan promised Jacob that he could marry Rachel but pulled a switcheroo at the chuppah; a veiled attempt that became the first instance of needing to read the fine print. Rachelgate II – When Jacob and family leave Lavan after 20 years, Rachel is caught stealing his idols so he won’t worship them anymore, as an early form of cultural appropriation. Coatgate – Like many people today, Joseph’s brothers couldn’t learn all the colors in his coat so they stopped at green, to match their envy, but didn’t stop there in a story of betrayal that could someday make an amazing musical. Bloodgate – Pharaoh wouldn’t let the Israelites go free, but instead of spilling blood the Big G decided to spill blood into the Nile River instead. Hailgate – When six plagues fail to convince Pharaoh to free the Israelites, perhaps the seventh is the charm? Each plague is related to scandal, but Hailgate has more of a ring to it than Slayingofthefirstborngate. Gategate – Briefly stepping out of the Torah, Mordechai overheard gossip at the palace gate which eventually led to a Dear Diary moment for continued on previous page
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July 2022 • Southern Jewish Life