SJL Deep South, June 2015

rear pew mirror • doug brook The Classified Bible What were the unemployment rates in Biblical times? What jobs were available, beyond farmer or shepherd?

Wanted: Dust looking for a change Seeking dust of the earth interested in being coalesced into “man” — the first living being to be created in the Almighty’s image.

Qualifications: Experience being dust. Willingness to be molded and shaped for the future.

Travel: Some possible. Depends on whether “man” eats from the tree from which he should not eat.

Benefits: Work closely with other dust. No longer stuck lying around all day. Relative imperviousness to water.

Timeframe: Must be available to start on Sixth Day. Wanted: Boat builder Seeking strong, able craftsman to build exceptionally large wooden boat, and run zoological expedition. If successful, possible extension into restarting human civilization.

Qualifications: Good with gopher wood. Able to do detailed craft work based on arcane design specifications. Ability to command the completed boat through extended inclement weather. Proven track record in animal husbandry (the care and feeding kind).

Travel: Extensive, once boat is completed.

Benefits: Not drowning.

Timeframe: Immediate. Project must be completed before rainy season.

Wanted: Father of chosen people Seeking a motivated self-starter to begin the lineage of the Almighty’s chosen people.

Qualifications: No prior experience of fatherhood or fathering required.

Good negotiation skills, a welcoming personality, and a penchant for sacrifice are required. Experience destroying idols preferred. Willingness to slightly change name a plus.

Travel: Must be willing to relocate.

Benefits: Offspring as numerous as the stars in the sky. Full dental.

Timeframe: As soon as possible. There are a lot of stars to catch up with.

Wanted: Pharaoh’s right hand man Seeking a right-hand man for ruler of Egypt. Pharaoh requires a visionary, with a vivid imagination.

Qualifications: Experience interpreting dreams that depict future events. Proven ability to persuade people peacefully without invoking resentment. Experience running an Egyptian household. In case of famine and limited food reserves, must be a rational thinker. Prison record acceptable, but no prior involvement in pyramid schemes.

Travel: None. They’ll come to you.

Benefits: No Technicolor uniform required. Access to secret government files containing answer to the riddle of the Sphinx, and identity of the second shepherd on the grassy knoll. Reserved box seats to all performances of “Cats.”

Timeframe: Available to start prior to seven years of plenty.

Wanted: People savior Seeking a dynamic leader to secure the freedom of an enslaved people, lead them across multiple types of terrain, and effectively prepare them to repopulate their ancient homeland.

Qualifications: Strong public speaker, though government legislation requires consideration given to candidates who are slow of speech and slow of tongue. Patient with government officials, deities, and stiffnecked peoples. Able to effectively handle a staff (wooden and human).

Good sense of direction through desert terrain. Ability to transport large, engraved stone tablets down from a mountain without damage. continued on previous page 38 Southern Jewish Life • June 2015