rear pew mirror • doug brook
Ban Roll On It takes less time to read a book than to write one. Similarly, it takes less time to ban a book than to read one. With that in mind, and given how trendy it is to revoke reading materials lately, it’s a reasonable time to unreasonably jump on the banwagon. Doing away with pieces of literature often focuses on the young, removing books from school libraries and curricula. Sometimes, however, it’s an attempt to save the sensibilities of the greater (and lesser) reading (and non-reading) public, usually resulting in a spike in a book’s sales the moment its ban is announced. And why shouldn’t they be banned? The very idea of the ideas these books conjure could serve the frightening purpose of giving people ideas. So, in the interest of ensuring nothing indecent passes before innocent eyes, this is a selection of things to make sure to avoid in books just as soon as they’ve been read. Of course, a top concern is heresy. Not only because of its blasphemous nature, but because it’s just one vowel away from hearsay, which is often people’s basis for banning a book in lieu of having actually read it. Sexual content is a no-brainer, no matter how much people think about it all the time. Parents don’t want their children reading books with sexual content. If they wanted kids exposed to it, they would just let them watch television. With every passing year, society is increasingly overwhelmed by violence. Of course, this is a problem because violins are expensive, as are violin lessons. The presence of profanity can promulgate so profoundly in literature and, thus, our children’s mouths, that some people compensate by calling it the Hoover Darn. Acts of rebellion or anti-government sentiments should not be written or read. They should receive only limited exposure in obscure art films such as the Star Wars trilogies. Homosexuality is never to be read Why ban hundreds about because it was never depicted in 1950s television. of books when Many people would be satisfied if their only exposure to Satan was a daily there’s one with slice of devil’s food cake. People have problems with polygevery manner amy, perhaps partially because it’s as of offensive hard to figure out wedding and living logistics as it is to figure how to pay for material… it all. Nudity is problematic because seeing people truly naked is frightening to those who shy away from the naked truth. Partaking of alcohol can be seriously fun or unfunnily serious. Youths reading about it would be a counterproductively counteract having b’nai mitzvah drink Manischewitz to scare them off from alcohol for at least ten years. What self-inflicted pain must the 14-year-old son of director Robert Altman have read that inspired his writing the lyrics to the iconic M*A*S*H film’s song — and later the TV show’s theme — “Suicide is Painless”? If parents wanted their children to explore issues of race, they’d make them go out for their school’s track team. Books are filled with clichés and aphorisms. One such example is, “every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” But that means every continued on previous page 46
May 2022 • Southern Jewish Life