rear pew mirror • doug brook
Does Bo Know Bo? For many years, this column has been the lone source for wisdom from the long-lost, recently discovered Talmudic tractate Bava Gump. This tempestuous tome followed in the fine tradition of better-known tractates such as Bava Batra, Bava Kamma, and Bava Metziah. Now, for the first time anywhere, this column presents an excerpt from another newly found folio: tractate Bama Metziah. The tractate’s origin story is unclear thus far, but its collected commentaries and texts are so unexpected and game-changing, and are so eclectic that it could leave even the most pacifist rabbi apoplectic. So, here is a heretofore unseen piece of biblical text. It captures one of the greatest victories ever witnessed throughout the millennia of time.
Supporting community growth is about providing financial solutions and guidance that people and businesses can trust. That’s what Valley is all about.
Let us help you reach your goals! Visit one of our branches: 1904 1st Avenue North Birmingham 92 Euclid Avenue Crestline 1100 Corporate Parkway Meadowbrook
© 2022 Valley National Bank. Member FDIC. Equal Opportunity Lender. All Rights Reserved. VLY4369
30
February 2023 • Southern Jewish Life
1: Here, in a bowl of iron, on the field of a legion, a pair of baker’s minyans battled to dominate the land on which they stood. 2: And it was on the first day of the twelfth month, in the year of nineand-ten-hundred and four-and-eighty, nearly two years after the passing of a great bear, known to the world as honorable and bryant. 3: The moon was not yet out, and the fourth quarter was near to its end. 4: A streak of tigers sought a streak of three against a mighty tide of crimson which resembled the river Nile when it was struck with the plague of blood. 5: The tigers had prevailed with awesome might over others nine times prior — while having fallen twice; yet here the tigers trailed, too, by two, for want of just one cubit to gain. 6: The tide was rolling less of late, having lost more than it won, as a once giant ray had cast a shadow that for a generation was seen by none. 7: And so it was that above all other tigers was one who carried the load for them all. 8: And they named him Bo, for he would come through with such freGood thing quency that he would become forever “Wrong Way Bo” known as a man of highs, even to this day. didn’t happen 9: And it was near the end, and the tide had overtaken the tigers by just a at the Red Sea score of two. 10: And for the tigers their last shot down came forth, and a single kick would ebb the tide enough, though the tide would end by the gain of just one cubit more. 11: And the mixed multitude knew that it would be a simple blow for Bo to take in stride, and the tens and thousands awaited. 12: And these tigers were led by a man called Dye, and he knew they all thought Bo was to come. 13: And it came to pass that he thought to run, and he looked toward the heavens. 14: And Dye called to the heavens and asked, “Lord, I know they know Bo comes, so the tide might wash him away. What play shall I call, so my tigers win the day?” 15: And the Lord replied, “sweep the tide away with a toss to the right.” 16: And so it was that, like a raven soaring through the sky, a fullbacked, full wood brent swept gliding to the right. 17: And as the brent took flight to the right, the man of highs called Bo instead went wrong unto the left, and he could not turn the tide away, so the tide would turn indeed. 18: And it was that a mighty, roary turner turned the brent away, incontinued on previous page