the beholder’s eye • doug brook
21st religion ThisCentury is Your Chai
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A young hero is raised from infancy in a home not of his parents. Alone in the desert, he encounters a much In the beginning, there was a older being — about whom he’s only ever heard fleeting stories — with powers and wisdom beyond his ken. question. The the young hero a strange, unnaturally It waspowerful a warm, being sunny,shows summer burning and guideswhen him toward Shabbat fire, morning, an a long journey to bring his oppressed people to freedom.woman unsuspecting was Along the in waya he is taughtparking to use special powers, the approached synagogue lot, and asked and the thanks questionto that seemingly impossible, miraculous would launch a thousand quips. navigation of a narrow trench he leads his“Do people salvation. youtothink you know four rabbis who would prefer people sleeping His story is recorded multiple Countless have” through the sermon, ratherinthan talkingvolumes. during it?” She said,more “probably. scrutinized everythe word and detail, and prefer createdsleeping stories to fill insermon. the gaps” or From that came headline, “Rabbis during to In explain seeming inconsistencies. Someago, haveher explored, at length, how that first fateful column, 18 years innocuous “probably” these events happen. For that as long theoftale beenprefer told, was the basiscould of theactually scientific assertion fourasout fivehas rabbis some people haveadevoted lives to these scholarly pursuits. sleeping during sermon.their From where came the fifth rabbi? Simple: Yes, this is the of rabbis Luke Skywalker his guide, When was the lastjourney time five agreed on and anything? Thus,Obi-Wan four out Kenobi. of five. How can one compare Luke to Moses? Easily: Mosesthere was The journalistic integrity andSkywalker investigative skills demonstrated taller. frankly, had their moments of whining earlythe on.)Middle could (Also, have easily ledboth to a prestigious career today in covering Butforthis is major not tonews say that Moses lightsaber or that every Luke East most outlets. But carried instead, athis column labored operated under divine month (except for theprovidence. ones that were missed), and sometimes twice This is not to say that Moses ThetoForce to part the Sea of Reeds monthly, to bring almost severalused laughs its almost several readers. — It though prettyofawesome. (Disclaimer: of this writing, rode that the would sound bewaves The Southern ShofarAsthough, despite this columniststipulation, has not yet never seen “Exodus: ”) a Southern contractual rode inGods the and seat Kings. behind This is not of in Sciencefictiontology. John Travolta tookbefore care Chauffeur. It the thenbirth spoke its own Deep South Jewish Voice, of that birth not-immediate-enough death ” settling in toand Southern Jewish Life‘s hind endwith — “Battlefield unless you Earth. read the to most say that thenews Big today G is really magazine right to left, which This does is notnot make of the make midi-chlorians, or that the midi-chlorians more, or less, sense. DISCUSSING AND which presented (unfortunately) explainofThe are Over the years, this column the wisdom the Force recentlyARGUING OVER the Big G. (Though there are those who do discovered, long-lost Mishnah tractate Bava Gump which, among other EVERY LETTER — argue thekosher. point.) things, teaches how shrimp can be JEWS STUDYING This is to adventures say that theofmyriad followings of The column retold the legendary the beloved young TALMUD, OR various Potters, Hobbits, Federations kabbalist, Harry Plotzer, and his adventures with The Jedis, Sanhedrin’s Stone, SCIENCE FICTION (of Planets, not of The Jews), GamesofofAshkenaz Thrones through The Chamber of Shpielkis, and with Prisoner FANS DISSECTING (or Hunger), and to many others, Challahs. takes on and The Gabbai of Fire, though not yet getting The Deadly “STAR WARS”?there were characteristics very similar Occasionally guests, such as the recurring oneto due Talmudic to a harethought. Certainly, it’s just as true baseball brained rabbinical typo, Ask the Rabbit, as well as Gurb theofCaveman or football Alabama fan already knows that crimsonness is next Rabbi, and— every the occasional special report from The Oynion. to godliness. Explored were calendar anomalies and events, real and surreal, such as <paragraph Mezuzapalooza, of silence for the — counterThanksnukah, KolUAB Nidrefootball the 13th,program Purover, Chrisnukah, balanced a deafening for the deaf behind its Yomtober,byand the piratedparagraph Rosh Hashaarrrnah andears Dayofofthose Aarrrtonement. verkakte demise> The chorus of “Bubbe’s Been Run Over By a Reindeer” was sung, the Eachatofthe these heroes, villains, rituals, paraphernalia, mythos Rebbe Bathas gottheir his bell rung, and the Grinch who hated Jew-ville and The unstrung. Bible might be the best-selling book of all time, but how had ethos. his hatred does relative to thethis $2.8 in anniversary worldwide box office for In that case equate it wasn’t apparent, is billion the 18th of this space “Avatar?” not being for rent. In honor of this Chai anniversary, it would seem Consider the recent release of the appropriate to toast it with some chaifirst tea.trailer for “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” Episode VII:baffled Apology for the Prequels). Except (a.k.a. that chai tea has rabbinic scholars for hundreds of Many thousands of have people crowdedIs the and movie theatres seconds. (“Should we seconds? oneInternet cup enough? Let’s drink on just see itall, thechai day is it was Everylike frame wasthough scrutinized it.”) to After not released. pronounced Chai, a cupfor ofclues chai and meaning. when some names were later via makes it easierMoreso to pronounce Chai.character And some say that chai hasrevealed properties retro trading cards. one’s life, one’s Chai. that help to extend Controversy erupted. Atoblack Sacrilege. And what is immediately chai tea’s relationship Thai stormtrooper?!? Iced Tea? Is there such a Or racism. OrChai both.Tea? Or Ifneither. Orare inexplicable because stormtroopers thing as Thai there is, its effects best described as tai chi are of some Australian guy. for all theclones digestive system? A three-pointed lightsaber? Some thought was cool, gave it These are questions to ponder during thisitHigh Holy some Day season, an equally icy reception. it even feasible? Practical? How arecolumn people though perhaps not lateIs afternoon on Yom Kippur. 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