VENTURE How To not wanting to forgive. It’s a dialogue between the higher, noble part of yourself that might want to forgive and the gut feeling of hurt. The more honest you are, the more this will help reconcile the two parts of your mind.”
Think of the benefits
“Imagine you’ve completely forgiven the person – what would be different? Maybe you’d get peace of mind or feel you could be friends again. It can be a tangible benefit. You might forgive your boss, which could lead to you performing better at work and getting a promotion. Adding a benefit provides motivation, which can help shift your mindset.”
LEARN
Rinse, repeat
William Fergus Martin has given more thought to forgiveness than most. Not because he carries around a list of names longer than Arya Stark’s in Game of Thrones, but because one day the idea that we could all benefit from being more forgiving just happened to pop into his mind. “I was writing an article for a dating site, along the lines of ‘How to make yourself happy rather than try to find someone else to make you happy,’” says the Glaswegian author, “and the idea about forgiveness came to me unexpectedly. The next day, I sat in front of my computer and another set of ideas sprung to mind. The material became enough for a book.” Forgiveness is Power: a User’s Guide to Why and How to Forgive was published in 2013. Martin followed this by setting up a registered charity, The 90
Global Forgiveness Initiative, to provide information and workshops to those wanting to let forgiveness into their lives – whether that’s dealing with gaslighting, self-esteem issues, or the current polarising topics of the day. “There’s the whole vax/ anti-vax issue – people get angry at those who wear masks, and vice versa,” says Martin. “The situation is bringing out the best and worst in people. Everything benefits when we’re more
“Everything benefits when we are more forgiving” William Fergus Martin
forgiving. It brings peace of mind, freedom, happiness.” Easier said than done? Perhaps not. “People have fears around forgiveness, often because no one has shown them how to do it. I define it as letting go of pain from the past.” Here, he explains how to do it…
Make a list
“The first thing I ask is, ‘Why would you not want to forgive this person?’ Maybe you’re afraid because then you’ll have to put up with them. Write a mission plan: ‘I want to forgive X for Y.’ You might be unsure you actually do, but it’s like trying on a jacket that you’re not sure you want to buy – you’re just getting a feel for it.”
Connect with your emotions
“What are your current feelings? Maybe you’re vengeful, or afraid of conflict. Perhaps you feel guilty about
Consider next steps
“I can teach people how to let go of the pain, but reconciliation is a separate step. Forgiveness can include ‘goodbye’ – you can forgive them, but they might be too abusive to have an ongoing relationship with. You might have no contact with them, but getting rid of heavy feelings can make it clearer what to do next. Forgiveness is unconditional, but reconciliation isn’t – perhaps you could go to a councillor together. That’s a different process.”
Martin’s publications, including the ebook Four Steps to Forgiveness, are available at global forgivenessinitiative.com THE RED BULLETIN
TOM WARD
In an age when tempers are frayed and we’re quick to write each other off, forgiveness has never been more relevant…
“Now go back to step one and see if there’s anything else you want to add. Maybe you need to rephrase what you want to forgive them for, or perhaps your feelings have changed. Keep working through these steps until there’s a shift in attitude. It has astonished me how little catharsis often needs to happen before people are ready to forgive.”
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To bury the hatchet