O
ver the last 9 years I have worked alongside thousands of individuals experiencing the realities of death, giving me privileged insight into how to cope with grief and loss. Many of these individuals are children, who have lost a family member. What astounds me with children is their bravery and acceptance when handled in the right manner. Therefore what to say and do, when a family member has died, is most important. Here is some guidance to help you talk with your childabout the death of a family member.
DO:
Tell the truth to your child about what has happened, and sooner rather than later. This will help the child to understand why they are seeing sadness and tears around them. Using words such as ‘died’ or ‘dead’ is much better than saying, ‘passed away’ or ‘gone to sleep’. This helps with their grieving process. Show your feelings to your child. This is crucial that they see your sadness as well. They are learning about loss from you. Allow your child to express their feelings to you. Be prepared for a variety of emotional responses. We all grieve differently. Tell them they may feel all sorts of things – sad, angry, upset, confused – and it may be for a while. Tell them that is ok and they can share that with you whenever they feel like it. Take time to answer any questions they have. Be prepared for questions like ‘Why did they die?’ Answer simply and honestly, for example ‘Grandpa’s heart stopped beating’ or ‘Grandpa got old and he died’. Its ok to answer ‘I don’t know’ to questions they may ask. It is not easy to have all of the answers. Tell them it’s ok to cry. Cry together. It is healing. Tell them they are ‘tears of love’ for the person who has died. Coming from that place of love makes a fundamental difference to them. Spend time with your child and focus on the love you have for the person who has died. Share stories and memories with one another. Even ones that will make you both laugh. It can be a bonding time, and a healing time. If they like writing, buy them a journal. I call it a ‘love journal’. Encourage them to write about their feelings, write stories of things they used to love doing with their loved one. They can express how they are feeling. It is their personal journal.
By Sharon Muscett 34
Peninsula Kids – Autumn 2020