On Life and Love after 50
Dating When a Spouse Has Alzheimer’s Tom Blake
One of the most difficult and controversial senior-relationship topics that readers bring up is dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s. A woman, age 71, said, “I am dating a man, age 76, whose wife has Alzheimer’s and is very well cared for in an expensive facility. He visits her daily, sometimes as much as three times a day. They had a 35-year marriage in which he raised her children, and he considers them equally his own. “Here is my dilemma. I don’t doubt that he loved his wife, and still does as much as he can. But in his online dating profile (how I met him), he said he has more love to give than his wife can accept. That is kind of awkward wording, but I knew what he was trying to say. “I do not think he is morally bad for seeking companionship, since his wife has been going downhill for five years and has been in this facility for the past three years. But his children do not like the idea of their father going out with other women. They know that he is, but they have told him, ‘We don’t want to hear about it.’ “That puts me in the ‘other woman’ category. I feel ‘back door’ and it doesn’t feel good. I have never asked to go with him to visit his wife. I find myself feeling resentful about the position this puts me in. I know he is happy with me as he has told me he loves me and often speaks of our future together. “But I also know that he will always be in touch with his children, who will probably ask at some point if I was ‘dating’ their father while their mother was still alive. I don’t want to www.50plusLifePA.com
be a pariah when the day comes that his wife passes away. “Would it be reasonable or fair of me to tell him that unless I can be part of his life now, e.g., visit his wife in the facility and not be hidden from his children, I cannot go on this way? “If I cannot go to the facility, then perhaps his wife is not really ‘that far along’ after all. Maybe she has another three or four years to go. I don’t want to be ‘backdoor Dora’ for the next four years. Please help me understand my situation better.” Tom Blake’s opinion: The man is lonely; he went on a dating site. He did not try to hide that he is married and his wife has Alzheimer’s. What he did may not be right in some people’s eyes. One of my male readers was a caregiver to his wife for 12 years. He said, “You need to walk in someone’s shoes to know what it’s like to be an isolated caregiver in a hostile environment before you can criticize them. With Alzheimer’s, you watch your loved one slowly vanish before your eyes and become a total stranger.” The woman entered this relationship knowing the situation. She should have known she was walking into a minefield. Now, she wants to go visit the wife to see how sick she really is. That is totally wrong and disrespectful. She has no business going there. Next, she worries about how his stepchildren view her. She’s not going to be able to change that either. Probably ever. After all, the ill woman is the children’s mother.
So, either she accepts the situation the way it is, stays in the background, and stops worrying so much about herself, or she needs to exit the relationship. I find her motives and dilemma to be her problem.
For dating information, previous articles, or to sign up for Tom’s complimentary, weekly e-newsletter, go to www. findingloveafter60.com. See also www. findingloveafter50.com and www. travelafter55.com.
September 17, 2016 City Island, Harrisburg
Registration at 9 a.m. • Walk at 10 a.m.
September 24, 2016
Clipper Magazine Stadium, Lancaster Registration at 9 a.m. • Walk at 10 a.m.
October 8, 2016 York College, York
Registration at 9 a.m. • Walk at 10 a.m. Registration brochures, team packets, and sponsorship packets available. Please call (717) 651-5020 or email aforsburg@alz.org • Easy online registration at http://www.alz.org/walk • Volunteer opportunities available. • Teams and individuals welcome.
Chapter Sponsors Asheleigh Forsburg, Senior Events Manager Alzheimer’s Association (717) 651-5020 aforsburg@alz.org Alzheimer’s Association 2595 Interstate Drive, Suite 100 • Harrisburg, PA 17110
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