END NOTE ‘I have that gluten thing’ A family plans its Thanksgiving meal B y Ja s o n S c av o n e Bri. How about if we don’t do the desserts or the starches, but we have all the vegetables? That way everyone can be healthy and feel like they have a space at the table. Kaleb, you’re awfully quiet. What are you bringing? To: Mom, Dad, Bri, Uncle Frank, Aunt Debbie, Grandma Rose, Grandpa Steve Rachel Fackenhopf To: Mom, Dad, Gary, Uncle Frank, Aunt Debbie, Brianna, Kaleb Hey everyone, I want to thank you all for letting me and Gary host Thanksgiving for the Brianna, Kaleb I told alla you that aint my name anymore. My Oh, you’re right. I forgot you had to stay off names Hashtag that’s how i identify now sweets, Uncle Frank. I hope it’s not too much trouble, Mom, but maybe we should try to make everyone feel comfortable and not do pies this year? Brianna Fackenhopf brining technique. (And I promise not to burn it like dad’s birthday cake, lol!) To: Aunt Debbie, Mom, Dad, Grandma Rose, I thought it would be fun if everybody brought a Grandpa Steve, Uncle Frank, #Kaleb dish. What can I put you down for? You want to make everyone comfortable and we’re having two kinds of meat? Why don’t we Rosemary Fackenhopf To: Rachel, Steve, Gary, Frank, Debbie, Brianna, Kaleb Oh, you know me. I’ll be bringing pies. I’m even thinking about trying making a cheesecake. I learned the recipe from Judy next door. just raise a veal cow in the kitchen? I’m going to bring maize, to honor the indigenous peoples whose generosity we’re unjustly appropriating for this holiday. I’ll even make zucchini bread. Gary Fackenhopf To: Brianna, Rachel, Mom, Dad, Aunt Debbie, Debbie Fackenhopf Uncle Frank, Kaleb No bread. I have that gluten thing. To: Rose, Frank, Rachel, Gary, Steve, Brianna, Kaleb Rose, you know that normally that would be To: Kaleb, Brianna, Rachel, Mom, Dad, Aunt Debbie, Uncle Frank first time. We can’t wait! Obviously, Grandma Kathy will be teaching me her famous turkey Gary Fackenhopf Shut up, Kaleb. Steve Fackenhopf To: Kaleb, Rachel, Gary, Frank, Debbie, Rose I didn’t leave half my intestines on the Korean peninsula so my grandson could name himself after punctuation, and I damn well didn’t do it to not eat turkey on Thanksgiving. Rachel Fackenhopf To: Dad, Kaleb, Brianna, Gary, Uncle Frank, Aunt Debbie, Mom, All right, Dad. I’ll make a turkey. Maybe Bri can have her dinner on the porch so she doesn’t have to smell it cooking? Brianna Fackenhopf great, but I’m doing paleo this year and the To: Dad, Aunt Debbie, Mom, Grandma Rose, cavemen certainly never had dairy, let alone Grandpa Steve, Uncle Frank, #Kaleb cheesecake! In fact, I thought it might be fun this Dad, you don’t have celiac. You just had a moldy year if we had a ham AND a turkey. It would be piece of rye from the loaf that had been on the like Easter and Thanksgiving all in one! counter for two weeks. Brianna Fackenhopf To: Mom, Dad, Aunt Debbie, Grandma Rose, Grandpa Steve, Uncle Frank, #Kaleb Mom, I can’t believe you’re going to carry water for this kind of cruel, systemic oppression. You know who supports eating all these poor, Frank Fackenhopf Gary Fackenhopf abused, hormone-fed, GMO turkeys. It’s just another way old, cisgender, hetero, able, white To: Deb, Rose, Steve, Rachel, Gary, Brianna, Kaleb To: Brianna, Rachel, Mom, Dad, Aunt Debbie, men control what we put in our bodies and I’m I hate to ask, but ever since the doc said I had the Uncle Frank, Kaleb not gonna take it anymore. Hashtag, we can diabetes back in May, it’s been rough. I know it’s I don’t really feel comfortable with you making go over to my boyfriend’s place, where he’s not very Thanksgiving-like, but would it be possi- me relive painful episodes from my past. You doing Organic Beetsgiving. ble to skip desserts altogether? Besides, even if it need to warn me before you talk about rye. didn’t raise my sugar too much, I’d hate to eat all those pies and get cankles like you-know-who. Rachel Fackenhopf To: Uncle Frank, Aunt Debbie, Mom, Dad, Gary, 120 N ov e m b e r 2 0 1 6 DesertCompanion.vegas Rachel Fackenhopf To: Mom, Dad, Bri, Uncle Frank, Aunt Debbie, Grandma Rose, Grandpa Steve To: Briana, Gary, Uncle Frank, Aunt Debbie, Mom, uhhhh ma, if you teach me how to make mashed Dad, Brianna, Kaleb potatoes ill bring those and you can call me Let’s not go round and round about that again, kaleb again