X x X 6 holiday guide x X x X x Navigating family dynamics can be difficult during the holidays … local therapist Vanessa Swier offers a few tips X experiences with a trusted person of the family’s. Or maybe you’re x by peter johnson following your encounters; and going through a difficult time after treading carefully if you find yourself a break-up, or even the death of a et’s say it’s the night of X on the brink of a heated argument. close relative. Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, x “Take into account, is this The point is, we all want the or Chanukah, and you’re sitting argument really worth it?” Swier holidays to be a time filled with joy, the dinner table with more X around said. “Remind yourself that this than a dozen immediate and extended togetherness, and generosity, but let’s x family members. person’s political views, who they be real: Sometimes it’s a different mix their moral compass, is who they of tension, stress, and anxiety. All is jolly—you’re eating some X delicious food and catching up with Vanessa Swier, a San Luis Obispo- are, are and you’re probably not going to x aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces and based family therapist and founder change their opinions overnight.” Swier said struggles over political of Hope Harmony Healing Therapy nephews, grandparents, and even X mom and dad, who you haven’t seen Services, told New Times that she communication and conflict is a common theme that’s surfacing for x in months. The holidays are your kin’s often observes the latter range of these days. emotions at this time of year. dedicated time to be together. X But then, suddenly, your adorable- “It definitely comes up,” she said. people “I think it’s a part of our culture right now,” she said. “People are at x but-oblivious grandma blurts out “People have all kinds of anxiety struggling with, how do you around the issue of, ‘How do I go be some racist comments. Then one of X your uncles, who you’ve always tried with my family and make that work times talk about this with others? It’s something that naturally comes x towith,avoidconcurs well?’ ” having political discussion when you’re talking about If you’re anticipating having a with grandma and X starts expanding on her views, which difficult time with relatives over the upcommunication or conflict.” holidays, Swier said, it’s best to devise If you feel strongly about a tense, awkward argument x ignites communicating your stance (or a plan about how to cope with the family members. X among disagreement of a stance) to a situation beforehand, rather than The warm and fuzzy vibe in the relative, Swier suggested speaking repressing it and reacting in the heat can feel like they’re rooted in a has dissipated and it’s now x room with them one-on-one afterward, as particular moment, there’s likely of the moment. discomfort and simmering anger. X It’ll be hard to go back at this point, “I’m always of the mindset of opposed to sparring with them in a more history and backstory to them. group family setting. Sometimes, Swier said, it’s helpful you’re reminded of why you were having, for a lack of a better word, x and “We’re probably going to be more to look at what’s happening with an escape plan,” Swier said. “If this kind of dreading the dinner in the X first place. effective getting our point across if some perspective, humility, and happens, what is my response going there’s not a huge audience,” Swier compassion. to be? Or if that happens, what am While this might not be the x said. “Maybe it’s a matter of holding “[You can try] remaining somewhat I going to do to take care of myself? that plays out at your X scenario it until a better time, when you can humble in those moments and remind Planning ahead or practicing your dinner table, it’s just one of countless speak with that person in private, or x ways that family time can become exit strategy can really come in your loved ones that while you may later in a phone call or email.” not agree on everything, you still love handy.” contentious or dysfunctional during X the holidays. More important than “winning” them, you still respect them, and you Some techniques she suggested an argument, she said, is making x Sometimes it’s over politics. Other include rehearsing what you’re want to keep the peace,” she said. “For sure you preserve your own sense of the sake of keeping the peace amongst going to do or say in different times it’s a strained relationship X between siblings, parents, and/ boundaries and well-being. That can the family, just try not to personalize contexts; staying conscious of where mean consciously disengaging from anything that the person is saying x or in-laws. Maybe it’s how your you are physically in a room with a conversation or interaction where and try to take space if you need it.” religious views compare to the rest family members; “debriefing” your X you don’t feel reciprocated respect or a Part of your plan going into the sense of an equal platform. holidays could be to visualize the x “It’s always respectful to take time moment when a disagreement reaches ‘it’s always respectful to take time to listen to X to listen to somebody, but there’s a point where the most productive that limit of, is this person course of action would be to move on, x somebody, but there’s always that limit of, always giving that same respect back?” she to let it rest. X “Or are they just preaching “Having a point where you can be is this person giving that same respect back? said. ‘OK, let’s just agree to disagree at me and giving me their opinion x or are they just preaching at me and giving me without this being a conversation? If like, and eat some pie,’” Swier said with a X their opinion without this being a conversation?’ it gets to that point, it’s probably best laugh. y to maybe try to change the subject.” x Staff Writer Peter Johnson can be Another factor to keep in mind —Vanessa Swier, marriage and family therapist X reached at pjohnson@newtimesslo.com. is that while familial conflicts x X x X x Fri & Sat, November 24th & 25th, 2017 · 10am–4pm X Veterans Memorial · 801 Grand Ave, SLO x X NEW TAPROOM The largest hand-made craft show on the Central Coast! x NOW OPEN! X Featuring 46 x Self-Serve Craft Taps X x FREE PARKING · FREE ADMISSION · DOOR PRIZES · www.californiacraftshow.com Downtown SLO | oldsanluisbbq.com X x x
’Tis the awkward season
X Y ZP DQL MN PHOTO COURTESY OF VANESSA SWIER
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HEALTHY MINDS Vanessa Swier is a SLO-based family therapist and hospice social worker. She founded Hope Harmony Healing Therapy Services.
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The Fair has been held Thanksgiving weekend for the last 39 years and continues to evolve and improve every year. Our location is in beautiful downtown San Luis Obispo with plenty of parking and hotels to accommodate visitors. Shop early, to see the best we have to offer! Central Coast Craft Fair will include both contemporary and country crafters and artisans from San Luis Obispo County and around the United States. Visitors are treated to free cider and cookies in the Boutique to help get your Christmas Spirit started.