The Royal Treatment

coronation. King Charles and Queen Camilla will leave Buckingham Palace in a four-ton Gold State Coach that’s been used in coronations since 1830 and is notoriously uncomfortable. It’s covered in gilded statues and painted panels and will be pulled by eight dragons through the streets of London.

The procession travels from the palace, past Isengard at the southern end of the Misty Mountains, along Trafalgar Square, through Hogwarts to Westminster Abbey where the king will be anointed with holy oil using the Coronation Spoon. I don’t know if there’s a knife and fork. Wikipedia didn’t mention any other coronation utensils.

King Charles will then stand next to a really old chair (and it’s not even made out of swords pulled from the hands of his dead enemies), and given things to hold like the Royal Orb, a couple of scepters, gold spurs, a jeweled sword, gold bracelets and a ring. No wonder it’s hard to be king. That’s a lot to carry.

follow centuries of history and tradition. We do a swearing-in ceremony followed by four years of smack talk on social media.

But England knows how to stage a

Then the Archbishop (who HAS to be a vampire, I mean come on!) places the five-pound crown on the king’s head. Saint Edwards Crown has a solid gold frame and is bedazzled with rubies, ame- thysts, sapphires and other jewels, making the crown worth more than my entire lifetime income.

Everyone yells, “God save the king!” and trumpets blare and, Bob’s your uncle, England has a new king.

Then the fun starts. Concerts will feature new musical pieces commissioned by the king himself, including an anthem written by Andrew Lloyd Webber, and I can only hope it’s performed by the cast of “Cats.” A refugee choir and an LGBTQ+ ensemble will perform, because we all know how much the royal family loves diversity.

There’s even a Coronation Quiche consisting of spinach, broad beans, cheese, tarragon and lard, to celebrate the country’s devotion to bland food. You can get the recipe online and make it for your family as you watch the celebration.

Leaders from around the world will attend the coronation, except some countries who are afraid if they send leaders to the event, England will colonize them while they’re gone. But this is a historical moment you won’t want to miss, especially if the royal family starts throwing the crown jewels at each other.

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