ACT I
PROLOGUE
*Note to the director:
For the Broadway production of How to Dance in Ohio, we began the show with a prologue. For licensing, the prologue is optional and should only be used if all seven of the Autistic characters are played by Autistic actors. If you are skipping the prologue, begin at Music #1 TODAY IS with JOHANNA’s line “Caroline, are you out of bed?”
An empty black box.
The actors playing CAROLINE, DREW, JESSICA, MARIDETH, MEL, REMY, and TOMMY enter. They introduce themselves.
ACTOR PLAYING DREW
Hi. Welcome. We’re going to do a show for you. There’s music in it. And dancing, of course.
ACTOR PLAYING MEL
There is no audience participation. Introverts, you’re safe!
ACTOR PLAYING MARIDETH
This show is based on things that actually happened. But parts have been embellished for dramatic purposes. You have to spice things up in Ohio.
ACTOR PLAYING TOMMY
There’s this saying, “If you’ve met one autistic person… you’ve met one autistic person.”
ACTOR PLAYING CAROLINE
You are now meeting seven autistic people.
ACTOR PLAYING JESSICA
The characters we play in this show are also autistic.
ACTOR PLAYING REMY
Isn’t it nice to know what’s going on?
ACTOR PLAYING DREW
Please silence your devices. We’re going to start the show now. Music starts.
Like I said, there’s music.
The actors take their places.
The play begins.
ACTOR PLAYING DREW
SCENE
COLUMBUS, OH—MULTIPLE LOCATIONS
Early January, present day. The sun rises, casting a bright yellow glow. Overlapping shapes and light appear on the stage indicating different living spaces.
An ALARM gets louder until CAROLINE enters in her bathrobe.
CAROLINE’s mother, JOHANNA, calls to her.
Caroline, are you out of bed?
JOHANNA
I’m awake, Mom!
CAROLINE
Awake is not the same as out of bed.
JOHANNA
CAROLINE
I GET UP AT SIX THIRTY, WITH THE HELP OF MY ALARM— THE ALARM THAT MEANS WAKE UP, IT’S TIME TO GO, TODAY IS MONDAY.
A second alarm goes off. DREW enters, in his room.
DREW’s parents, KURT and AMY, shout up from the kitchen.
KURT
Rise and shine, Drew. Your mother made pancakes!
AMY
Take your time, Drewby.
DREW
HOW TO START THE DAY RIGHT, ‘CAUSE IF YOU DON’T START THE DAY RIGHT, YOU KNOW YOUR DAY WILL BE TERRIBLE! (IN MY EXPERIENCE.)
MARIDETH’s father, MICHAEL, knocks on the bathroom door where MARIDETH is getting ready.
MICHAEL
I put the laminated checklist in the shower to remind you to rinse your hair. Marideth?
MARIDETH
Okay.
SOAP SHOULD NOT SMELL LIKE FRUIT, SOAP SHOULD SMELL LIKE NOTHING AT ALL.
MEL, JOHANNA, MICHAEL, TOMMY, DREW, & KURT
TODAY IS MONDAY.
JESSICA, CAROLINE, TERRY, & AMY
TODAY IS TUESDAY.
REMY & MICHAEL
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY.
REMY, TOMMY, and MEL enter simultaneously; REMY wears jeans and a flannel, MEL wears a green work smock, and TOMMY wears a superhero t-shirt.
MEL
OHIO IN WINTER IS PRETTY!
TOMMY
IT’S PRETTY DEPRESSING. IT’S GRAY EVERY DAY HERE, AND COLD!
AMY, KURT, JOHANNA, TERRY, and MICHAEL enter, passing out winter accessories to their children.
REMY
SO LAYER WHEN YOU’RE DRESSING:
SCARF, HAT, GLOVES, SNOW BOOTS, OVERCOAT.
MEL
SCARF, HAT, GLOVES, SNOW BOOTS, OVERCOAT.
TOMMY
SCARF, HAT, GLOVES, SNOW BOOTS, OVERCOAT.
ALL
SCARF, HAT, GLOVES, SNOW BOOTS, OVERCOAT.
CAROLINE, DREW, JESSICA, MARIDETH, MEL, REMY, and TOMMY are bundled and ready to go.
PARENTS
THE WEATHER CHANNEL SAID THERE COULD BE A STORM.
ALL
IT’S IMPORTANT THAT YOU DRESS TO STAY WARM IN OHIO!
CAROLINE
TODAY IS THURSDAY.
The PARENTS wave “goodbye” as the GROUP passes through their respective front doors into the world outside their homes.
DREW’s mailbox is downstage. He checks it, but it’s empty.
CAROLINE walks downstage to the bus stop. JOHANNA waits to see her off.
CAROLINE
IT’S MY FIRST YEAR OF COLLEGE. I TAKE THE BUS TO GET TO CLASS. GREET THE DRIVER “HELLO,” SIT IN THE FRONT ROW—
Some other person is sitting in the front seat—CAROLINE’s seat. This is her seat. Why is someone in it? She closes her eyes. JOHANNA gently prompts her from outside the bus.
CAROLINE
Mom?
JOHANNA
May I have this seat, please? I like to sit in the front.
CAROLINE
May I have this seat, please? I like to sit in the front.
The person moves. CAROLINE sits. Everything is fine.
Thank you.
TODAY IS FRIDAY.
DREW, REMY, & TOMMY
TODAY IS FRIDAY.
JESSICA,
TODAY IS FRIDAY.
TODAY IS— GOING PLACES,
MARIDETH, & MEL
GROUP
I AM GOING PLACES. THERE ARE PLACES I NEED TO BE.
JESSICA
I MEAN THAT LITERALLY!
GROUP
BUT, MOST OF THE SPACES THAT I WANT TO GET TO WERE NOT DESIGNED FOR ME.
JESSICA waits on the curb. Her government-subsidized transportation is late.
JESSICA
IT’S ANNOYING HOW OFTEN I’M STRANDED ALONE. AND MY GOVERNMENT TRANSPORT CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO PICK UP THE PHONE.
JESSICA’s mother, TERRY, appears.
Jess, I’m here.
TERRY
JESSICA
MOM, THE DRIVER, WON’T PICK UP HIS PHONE! The point was to get around by myself. I’m an adult.
TERRY
Well, I’m your mother. Come on, the car’s warm.
JESSICA and TERRY leave.
MARIDETH and her father, MICHAEL, appear in their home. MARIDETH inspects a pair of new sneakers.
MICHAEL
Excited for your first day of group therapy? I hear great things about this Dr. Amigo.
These shoes are too big.
MARIDETH
MICHAEL
I went a size up because your feet are still growing, I think.
MARIDETH
FACTS ARE SAFE, TRIED AND TRUE.
MICHAEL
About therapy—
MARIDETH
Can’t we just get Velcro? WITH LACES, WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY’LL DO?
MICHAEL
You can’t return anything that ends in nine-nine, so… no.
Now we are in REMY’s closet—REMY pulls a long rack full of colorful clothes and costumes onstage, stands in front of the ring light, and practices.
REMY
I’M REMY, AND THIS IS MY NEW COSPLAY CHANNEL. TODAY’S LOOK IS “NINETIES GRUNGE” WITH RIPPED JEANS AND OLD FLANNEL.
MEL greets customers at work.
MEL
“Welcome to Paws and Claws Pet Shoppe, my name is Mel.”
“Welcome to Paws and Claws Pet Shoppe, terrariums this way.”
“Welcome to Paws and Claws Pet Shoppe, can I interest you in a crested gecko?”
TOMMY is at a driver’s ed class.
TOMMY
SEATBELT BUCKLED, HANDS AT TEN AND AT TWO, IT’S IMPORTANT THAT YOU CHECK YOUR REARVIEW IN OHIO!
DREW checks his mailbox. Nothing for him.
MEL
DO YOU KNOW HOW YOUR HABITS ARE FORMED? DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER,
PARENTS
TODAY IS MONDAY.
MEL
IN TIME, CONDITIONING PARTS OF YOUR BRAIN.
PARENTS
TODAY IS TUESDAY.
GROUP
THAT’S WHAT WE DO IN OHIO: DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER.
KURT & MICHAEL
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY.
TERRY, AMY, & JOHANNA TODAY IS THURSDAY.
JESSICA
LIKE LINES OF A PLAY, OR A SONG’S REFRAIN…
TERRY & MICHAEL TODAY IS FRIDAY.
TOMMY
HELLO, HOW ARE YOU? THANKS, I’M FINE.
ALL
HELLO, HOW ARE YOU? THANKS, I’M FINE.
REMY
I SAY THE WORDS, BUT ARE THEY MINE?
ALL
HELLO, HOW ARE YOU? THANKS, I’M FINE.
DREW
LIKE WHEN YOU SAY A WORD SO MANY TIMES, IT DOESN’T SOUND RIGHT ANYMORE: ROUTINE!
PARENTS
ROUTINE, ROUTINE, ROUTINE, ROUTINE… GROUP
WHO ARE WE DOING IT ALL FOR?
Days pass. The cycle repeats.
PARENTS (overlapping) IN OHIO! … CAROLINE (overlapping)
THERE’S A BUS STOP BY CAMPUS, IT’S ON MOUNT VERNON AND NORTH GRANT THEN IT’S ONLY AN EIGHT MINUTE WALK TO CLASS. TODAY IS MONDAY.
THEN I WALK A BIT FASTER, ‘CAUSE I AM LATE FOR JAPANESE. HERE I GO, “OHAYO!” SIT IN THE FRONT ROW. TODAY IS TUESDAY.
REMY (overlapping)
I’M REMY, AND THIS IS MY FIRST TIME RECORDING. TODAY’S LOOK IS: FLIGHT CREW, “YOUR GROUP WILL SOON BE BOARDING.”
I’M REMY, AND THIS TOOK A LONG TIME TO MASTER. TODAY’S LOOK IS: SURVIVOR OF A NATURAL DISASTER.
(overlapping)
MARIDETH
SCREEN IS SQUARE, LIGHT IS BLUE. HIT REFRESH, FIND SOMETHING NEW.
FACTS ARE SAFE, TRIED AND TRUE. WITH PEOPLE, WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY’LL DO? DREW
(overlapping)
HOW TO START YOUR LIFE RIGHT, ‘CAUSE IF YOU DON’T START YOUR LIFE RIGHT, YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE WILL BE TERRIBLE! (IN MY EXPERIENCE.)
GET THE HIGHEST TEST SCORES, VOLUNTEER, AND JOIN THE CHESS CLUB, AND THEN YOU WILL GET GREAT REFERENCES. (IN MY EXPERIENCE.)
MEL
(overlapping)
DO YOU KNOW HOW YOUR HABITS ARE FORMED? DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER, IN TIME, CONDITIONING PARTS OF YOUR BRAIN.
DO YOU KNOW HOW YOUR HABITS ARE FORMED? DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER, IN TIME, CONDITIONING PARTS OF YOUR BRAIN.
JESSICA
& TOMMY (overlapping)
GOING PLACES, I AM GOING PLACES, THERE ARE PLACES I NEED TO BE. BUT MOST OF THE SPACES THAT I WANT TO GET TO WERE NOT DESIGNED FOR ME.
TOMMY
I’m sorry, can we just take a break for a moment? There’s a lot going on. Thank you.
There is a silence, during which AMIGO enters.
Amigo Family Counseling appears: a WHITEBOARD, stacks of books and games. AMIGO enters and sets up for the day.
AMIGO
LIGHTS ON, BUT NOT TOO BRIGHT. THERMOSTAT SET TO SEVENTY FAHRENHEIT. NOTHING THAT MIGHT OVER-STIMULATE.
I BUILT THIS PLACE FROM THE GROUND UP: A FAMILY PRACTICE WITH DOCTOR AMIGO. WE PRACTICE SOCIAL SKILLS, HOW TO COMMUNICATE.
AMIGO’s daughter, ASHLEY, enters on crutches, pushing a chair onstage awkwardly. Her foot is in a cast which is covered in well wishes and signed names.
AMIGO
Mija, let me get that!
ASHLEY
Sorry, I thought I could manage.
AMIGO
You could have hurt yourself.
ASHLEY
You said you needed help. I just want to be helpful.
AMIGO sets up the chairs.
Your first job is to get better. (their agreed upon plan of recovery)
COME HOME, RECOVER, RESET, GET WELL.
AMIGO
ASHLEY
I KNOW THE ROPES ALREADY, GREW UP WITH ALL YOUR CLIENTELE.
AMIGO
IT’S ONLY TEMPORARY,
AMIGO & ASHLEY IT WORKS THIS WAY.
AMIGO
AND ONCE YOU’RE BETTER, THEN IT’S BACK TO BALLET.
ASHLEY
But Dad, what if the fracture doesn’t heal? Or Juilliard drops my scholarship?
AMIGO
Then we’ll make a new plan. Deep breath. (“step by step”)
Paso a paso. Dance is what you were meant to do.
NOT THAT HAVING YOU BACK HOME ISN’T NICE,
ASHLEY
AND I APPRECIATE YOUR EXPERT ADVICE
AMIGO & ASHLEY IN OHIO!
ALL IN OHIO!
MOVING FORWARD, TIME KEEPS MOVING FORWARD, SO I GUESS I’LL MOVE FORWARD TOO.
ASHLEY, REMY, MARIDETH, MEL, & MICHAEL (LIKE I’M EXPECTED TO DO.)
ALL BUT, GETTING OLDER MEANS MORE AWKWARD SITUATIONS FOR ME TO MISCONSTRUE.
CAROLINE, DREW, MARIDETH, MEL, REMY, and TOMMY arrive at Amigo Family Counseling.
DREW
LIKE EVERY OTHER MONDAY,
THURSDAY,
MARIDETH
TOMMY
TUESDAY, ALL
TODAY IS, TODAY IS, JESSICA
TODAY IS FRIDAY, MEL
WEDNESDAY, CAROLINE
TUESDAY, REMY
MONDAY, ALL
TODAY IS, TODAY IS,
TODAY IS FRIDAY,
AMIGO
ASHLEY
TODAY IS FRIDAY, GROUP
FRIDAY, PARENTS
TODAY IS FRIDAY, ALL IN OHIO!
AMIGO FAMILY COUNSELING
A WHITEBOARD reads “Welcome back!”
AMIGO
Welcome back! It’s a new year, and we have an old amigo with us: Ashley’s back! But we also have a new amigo with us! This is Marideth. She’s checking out our Group today. Marideth, this is a Social Skills Therapy Group for autistic young adults. Some of us have been here one year.
(REMY waves)
Some ten years.
(MEL raises their hand)
But we begin every session the same way.
CAROLINE
With a “Circle Up!”
AMIGO
Exactly—we share something on our minds to connect with one another in the circle. And to help demonstrate this connection for Marideth today, I brought a prop!
AMIGO proudly reveals a ball of string.
REMY
He loves theatrics.
AMIGO
Let’s introduce ourselves too. Marideth, you don’t have to remember all of our names right away. We’ll help you out. Drew, will you start us off?
DREW
I’m Drew, and my day went exactly as expected.
AMIGO
And that’s how it’s done! Who’s next?
TOMMY raises his hand.
AMIGO
Drew, you hold on to the end of the string while I give the rest to Tommy… And look at that: you two are connected.
A string stretches out between DREW and TOMMY.
TOMMY
I’m Tommy, short for Thomas. My younger brother, Scott, got a truck for Christmas, so I like that. But he said I can’t drive it even after I get my license.
CAROLINE
Why not?
Because he sucks!
TOMMY
MEL raises their hand and takes the ball of string.
MEL
My co-worker, Paul, also sucks. But I’ve been reading The Four Agreements, so I’m trying not to take anything personally. Oh, and I’m Mel. They/them pronouns.
REMY takes the ball of string.
REMY
I’m Remy. Any pronouns—still figuring that out. My parents got me a ring light for Christmas, for my tutorial videos. I haven’t posted any yet. I’m in pre-production.
AMIGO
Okay, Caroline, that leaves you.
CAROLINE takes the ball of string.
CAROLINE
I’m Caroline, and my big news is… I officially have my first ever boyfriend. Jay asked me out and of course I said “yes!”
AMIGO
Wow! Big step, Caroline. And look at this beautiful web of connections we’ve formed. Marideth, you are a part of that connection now too. You don’t have to share, but you can if you want to.
AMIGO offers MARIDETH the ball of string. She takes it uncertainly.
AMIGO
Maybe something about your day?
MARIDETH looks intently at her shoe laces.
AMIGO
Or, do you have any special interests?
MARIDETH Facts.
AMIGO
You could tell us a little about that. Take your time.
MARIDETH considers, begins to stand up to share, but then JESSICA interrupts, rushing in, flustered
JESSICA
Sorry I’m late. It wasn’t my fault. What’s up with the string?
(seeing MARIDETH)
And who is that?
AMIGO
This is Marideth. We were just demonstrating how we “Circle Up”—
JESSICA
Oh, I don’t want to share. I just don’t feel like myself. Pass.
AMIGO
In that case, Marideth, you were saying?
MARIDETH
Can I pass too?
AMIGO
This is elective therapy, so you can always pass. If no one has anything else to share, let’s move on to our first activity of the new year: Social Resolutions.
TOMMY
Get my driver’s license!
AMIGO
We’re going to write them down, Tommy, and they need to involve social skills
TOMMY
Get my license, and pick up a friend
The GROUP has a difficult time untangling themselves from the string. Once they do, they work individually around the Center.
DREW approaches AMIGO.
#1B—Drew
DREW
Dr. Amigo, I drew this circuit diagram. It’s for your backyard at the new house. You said it was too dark to go out there at night, and I said you could put wiring outside.
AMIGO
Wow, Drew, this is so thoughtful. What do I do with it?
DREW
Any decent electrician should be able to read that.
AMIGO
I’ll look one up. Speaking of electricity, have you heard from the engineering department at U of M? My fingers have been crossed since we sent your application in.
DREW
Can I work on my resolutions now?
AMIGO
Of course. I’m just so proud of you—this is everything you’ve been working towards.
AMIGO checks on the progress around the room.
An electrical grid appears in the space around DREW, all straight lines and boundaries.
DREW
CHECK ANOTHER BOX, ACE ANOTHER TEST, WATCH HOW IMPRESSED THEY ARE WITH HOW I’VE PROGRESSED.
GO THE EXTRA MILE, MAKE A BETTER PLAN, BE THE POSTER CHILD FOR: “IF HE CAN, THEN YOU CAN.”
SO MUCH IMPROVEMENT IN SUCH A HURRY, GOAL AFTER GOAL AFTER GOAL. I ACED MY A.C.T.’S, BUT STILL I WORRY IS THIS ALL THERE IS? EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.
REMY
My goal is to build my online presence and to not be afraid of criticism.
MEL
There’s a leadership position opening at my work: Head of Reptiles. It comes with a pay raise and my rent just went up, so yeah that would be awesome.
DREW
GET THE PERFECT SCORE, ATTEND THE PERFECT SCHOOL, LEARN TO DECIPHER EACH NEW INVISIBLE RULE.
HIDE AWAY THE FLAWS I DON’T WANT THE WORLD TO SEE. DO THE BEST IMPRESSION OF WHAT MY PARENTS WANT OF ME.
DREW SO MUCH IMPROVEMENT IT ALL GETS BLURRY, GOAL AFTER GOAL AFTER GOAL. THEY SAY I’M GOING FAR, BUT STILL I WORRY THE BOTTOM WILL DROP IF I EVER STOP KEEPING EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. GROUP
AMIGO approaches MARIDETH.
AMIGO
Hey, Marideth, did you think of a resolution?
MARIDETH
I’m going to read the entire National Geographic Countries of the World series. I like researching things.
The electrical grid brightens.
DREW
Me too. What else do you like to research?
MARIDETH
I don’t like that question.
AMIGO (getting back on subject)
I wonder, Marideth, could you think of a resolution that involves social skills or other people?
MARIDETH
My dad wants to eat together at the diner. I don’t like the sound of that bell they hit for the orders. But I could try?
AMIGO
I bet your dad would love that.
TAKING AUTHORITY,
REMY
SOME RECOGNITION, GROUP GOAL AFTER GOAL AFTER GOAL.
THEY SAY ADULTHOOD IS A TOUGH TRANSITION.
DREW, REMY, CAROLINE, & JESSICA IS THIS WHAT I WANT?
MEL, MARIDETH, & TOMMY
THERE’S SO MUCH I WANT… WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?
DREW, REMY, CAROLINE, & JESSICA GOAL AFTER GOAL AFTER GOAL…
GROUP & AMIGO AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? IS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL?
Therapy is over now. Everyone heads to their respective homes.
DREW checks the mailbox, and this time removes a big acceptance envelope from the University of Michigan.
DREW TRUST WHAT THEY SAY, TRUST THAT THEY KNOW. JUST BECAUSE I GOT IN, DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO GO?
THE EXPECTATIONS ARE ALWAYS RISING, GOAL AFTER GOAL AFTER GOAL. IS THAT WHY WINNING FEELS LIKE COMPROMISING? THE TROPHY IN HAND, A LIFE SOMEBODY ELSE PLANNED. IS THIS WHAT I WANT?
The lights in the grid flicker a few times, as if the connection is loose.
(DREW)
EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.
REMY’S CLOSET
#2A—The Many Faces of Remy—Part 1
REMY pulls the long clothing rack onstage and sets up the ring light and tripod. After a deep breath, REMY presses record.
REMY
Hey there, Internet! (rethinks that)
Hello from Ohio! I’m Remy and this is “The Many Faces of Me” with me, Remy! I— (oops) said my name twice. (nails it)
Hello from Ohio! This is “The Many Faces of Me” with me, Remy! I like to dress up: the clothes, the makeup, the whole nine yards. I’ve been Donna Summer and Mr. Clean—that bald cap was a nightmare. My dream is to design movie costumes one day, but we all have to start somewhere. And today’s look is one that my grandma called nuanced. Presenting: the sixth member of the Spice Girls: Autistic Spice!
MULTIPLE LOCATIONS
A DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM. ASHLEY and AMIGO wait together. ASHLEY gets a text while filling out intake forms.
ASHLEY
Uh-oh. Drama. Apparently, a freshman got the lead role in The Rite of Spring
AMIGO
Uh-oh. Are the seniors freaking out?
ASHLEY
Ballerina mutiny. At least they’re in the show though.
AMIGO
Hey, you may not be in the cast, but you are getting out of the cast today. Do you need our insurance number?
ASHLEY
I have it memorized by now. Seriously, Dad, I’m falling so far behind. Everyone else is starting to audition for companies.
AMIGO
You’ll catch up. It’s like your abuelo always said: the first generation works the tough jobs, so their kids can be doctors, so their kids can be artists. He believed in you, and so do I. And you know what else he always said?
ASHLEY
(she knows the answer)
Amigo’s don’t quit! It’s just a lot, with the surgery and the divorce—and I know we don’t talk about that.
AMIGO
I don’t want to put you in the middle, that’s different. We can talk about it. What do you want to know?
ASHLEY
Well, last Christmas, you two seemed really happy. Then this year, you’re divorced and Mom’s living in New Mexico. Are you okay?
AMIGO
Look, sometimes when people grow, mija, they grow apart. Your mom and I didn’t want the same things anymore, and it wasn’t fair to keep pretending.
NURSE
(on the PA system)
Ashley Amigo? The doctor will see you now.
ASHLEY
(gesturing to her signed and cartooned cast)
To be continued. Say goodbye to this work of art!
AMIGO
¡Adios!
ASHLEY exits on her crutches.
AMIGO
HOW TO EXPLAIN TO MY KID HOW MY MARRIAGE COLLAPSED, WHEN I MYSELF DON’T QUITE UNDERSTAND IT. HOW TO SELL OUR HOUSE, TELL ALL OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS ACCEPT THAT NOTHING TURNED OUT LIKE I PLANNED IT.
IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE I COULD EVER MOVE ON WHEN I’M STILL USING HER LEFTOVER SHAMPOOS. ADD IT TO THE NEVER-ENDING LIST OF ADULTHOOD’S MANY HOW-TOS.
In another part of the stage, in CAROLINE’S KITCHEN. JOHANNA and TERRY supervise while CAROLINE makes the pizza and JESSICA takes pictures of the process.
JOHANNA
Don’t press the pizza dough too thin because… ?
CAROLINE
It will burn in the oven.
JOHANNA
And gluten-free dough burns faster, so be careful.
What goes on next?
… Sauce?
Do we have to do this?
TERRY
CAROLINE
JESSICA
TERRY
If you want to move out of the house one day, you have to be able to feed yourself.
JESSICA
How much sauce do we need?
That’s up to you. It’s your pizza.
TERRY
JOHANNA
A PIZZA IS GOOD FOR WHEN YOU’RE TIRED. IT DOESN’T TAKE VERY MUCH TO MAKE IT.
TERRY
YOU DROP ALL YOUR TOPPINGS ON THE PRE-MADE DOUGH, HEAT THE OVEN TO FOUR-FIFTY AND BAKE IT.
JOHANNA
PEPPERS,
TERRY OR MUSHROOMS, JOHANNA OR SAUSAGE, OR CHEESE,
JOHANNA & TERRY
IT’S YOUR PIZZA, SO YOU GET TO CHOOSE! JESSICA takes a selfie with CAROLINE.
CAROLINE & JESSICA Cheese!
JOHANNA & TERRY
CHECK “PIZZA” OFF THE NEVER-ENDING LIST OF ADULTHOOD’S MANY HOW-TOS.
CAROLINE’s phone rings.
Oh, Mom, it’s my boyfriend.
CAROLINE
What about the pizza?
JESSICA
CAROLINE
I need to take this.
CAROLINE scurries away to take the call. JESSICA follows.
JESSICA
And I need to move out of my mother’s house.
TERRY
HOW TO BE A BEST FRIEND,
JOHANNA
HOW TO DATE A BOY,
TERRY
HOW TO SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES,
JOHANNA
HOW TO LET HER FEEL HER JOY.
JOHANNA & TERRY
HOW TO WAKE UP EACH MORNING NOT TOTALLY STRESSED BY THE TERRORS I READ IN THE NEWS, HOW TO HOPE FOR THE BEST?
ADD IT TO THE HOW-TOS.
In another part of the stage, in MARIDETH’S HOME. MICHAEL enters with a laundry basket.
MICHAEL
WHEN MY WIFE FOLDED SOCKS, LAUNDRY MAGIC WOULD OCCUR.
(MICHAEL)
I CAN BARELY PAIR THE SOCKS, MUCH LESS FOLD AS GOOD AS HER.
MICHAEL folds the socks as best he can.
HOW TO MISS YOUR PARTNER, HOW TO MANAGE LONG-TERM GRIEF, HOW TO PROCESS HOW MUCH THIS STILL HURTS BEYOND BELIEF?
MARIDETH interrupts.
MARIDETH
I like Dr. Amigo and the group. Can I go back next week?
MICHAEL
Sure thing, I’ll sign you up.
(observing his work)
Your folding has improved. Fact.
MARIDETH leaves abruptly.
MARIDETH
MICHAEL
HOW TO STOP AND ENJOY WHEN SOMETHING GOES RIGHT, SINCE I DON’T OFTEN GET GOOD REVIEWS… ADD IT TO THE HOW-TOS.
JOHANNA, TERRY, KURT, AMY, and AMIGO join MICHAEL, in various parts of the stage going about their lives.
JOHANNA
TODAY IS MONDAY!
THURSDAY!
TUESDAY!
WEDNESDAY!
KURT
AMY
TERRY
FRIDAY!
MICHAEL
AMIGO & PARENTS
AM I OVERPROTECTIVE? SOMETIMES, YES. AN EXCESSIVE WORRIER? SURE, I GUESS.
IF I’M A LITTLE AGGRESSIVE, IT’S ONLY BECAUSE I WON’T BE AROUND FOREVER, AND THAT’S WHAT A PARENT DOES.
A timer interrupts—it’s TERRY’s. She stops it, confused.
TERRY
I don’t even remember what I set this for.
JOHANNA
Oh, Terry.
JOHANNA, TERRY, MICHAEL, AMY, and KURT exit.
A NEW DAY.
In another part of the stage, at AMIGO FAMILY COUNSELING. AMIGO and ASHLEY set up chairs. ASHLEY can manage the chairs by herself with her fracture boot.
AMY and KURT enter before Group session begins.
AMY
Dr. Amigo? Could we speak to you?
KURT (curtly)
In private. ASHLEY leaves.
Is everything alright?
AMIGO
AMY
Drew got into U of M, early acceptance. Did you know?
AMIGO
I had no idea. That’s fantastic! You must be so excited, Kurt—your alma mater!
Well,
Oh.
AMY
DREW’S HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT LEAVING HOME. HE’S AFRAID IT WILL BE TOO MUCH TO MANAGE.
AMIGO
AMY
AND OF COURSE THE CHOICE IS UP TO DREW.
KURT
THOUGH WE’RE THE ONES WHO GAVE HIM EVERY ADVANTAGE. WASN’T THERAPY SUPPOSED TO MAKE HIM PREPARED?
AMIGO
SOMETIMES PROGRESS ISN’T EASY TO SEE.
KURT
AND SOMETIMES, IT ISN’T HAPPENING AT ALL. AND THAT’S WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE TO ME.
There’s a real world out there, and Drew’s not ready for it. That’s why I think it’s time we move on from Amigo Family Counseling.
AMIGO
Do you really mean that, Kurt? I’ll talk to him about Michigan.
AMY
We haven’t decided anything yet. We just wanted to let you know. KURT and AMY exit.
AMIGO
HOW TO TRUST IN PROCESS, AND THE METHODS THAT I USE? BUT WHAT IF I’M NOT GUIDING THEM TOWARDS THE RIGHT HOW-TOS… ?
AMIGO FAMILY COUNSELING
As the GROUP enters, AMIGO pulls DREW aside.
AMIGO
Drew, your parents told me about your early acceptance to Michigan. CAROLINE overhears.
CAROLINE
You got into Michigan! Oh my gosh! Drew!
The GROUP cheers.
DREW
Well, actually, I’m not sure I want to go. It seems unpleasant finding new places I like to eat and meeting new people.
AMIGO
New people can also be exciting. What about that professor you love? Who does the podcast on electricity news?
DREW
Current Events. I do like her. But Tommy would never forgive me. He hates U of M.
TOMMY
O–H!
I–O!
GROUP
DREW
Anyway, I have until the spring to decide.
AMIGO
Then we have until the spring to get you ready.
MARIDETH
Drew could go on Walkabout.
I don’t know what that is.
TOMMY
DREW & MARIDETH
It’s a rite of passage.
MARIDETH
It’s how Indigenous Australian boys transition into being men. They wander the outback and have to survive alone for months. I bet that would make Drew feel ready.
DREW
I don’t like the outdoors.
MARIDETH
There are other rites of passage: bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras
CAROLINE
And debutante balls! Like in Bridgerton!
AMIGO
THAT’S IT. A BIG EVENT: FRESH AND EXCITING, WITH COLORFUL LIGHTING, COMPLETE WITH A DJ AND DISCO BALL. We could do it at the Encore nightclub!
ASHLEY
I could teach everyone the Wobble!
AMIGO
GO THROUGH THIS CLASSIC RITE: DRESS IN TUXEDOS AND GOWNS FOR A NIGHT, AND PRACTICE FORMAL DANCE PROTOCOL.
MEL
Formal dances are historically problematic.
So are collared shirts!
TOMMY
AMIGO
Ashley will write all our concerns down so we can discuss them as a group.
A NEW EXPERIENCE TO HELP US ADVANCE: ALL TOGETHER WE WILL LEARN HOW TO DANCE IN OHIO!
MEL
FORMALWEAR IS A TRAP TO CONFORM TO BINARY GENDER BEING THE NORM.
JESSICA
I HAVE QUESTIONS!
TOMMY
I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS!
CAROLINE
I’M NOT SURE I CAN DO THIS. I HAVEN’T DANCED IN QUITE A WHILE.
JESSICA & TOMMY
THERE ARE ANSWERS I NEED TO KNOW.
REMY
I MUST KNOW THE DRESS CODE BEFORE I CONSIDER!
GROUP (Except MARIDETH)
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DANCE IN OHIO!
A NEW DAY.
DREW HOW TO MOVE YOUR FEET RIGHT, ‘CAUSE YOU’VE GOT TO MOVE YOUR FEET RIGHT.
MARIDETH
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, I DON’T KNOW!
A COUNTDOWN CLOCK lowers from the ceiling. It reads “AMIGO SPRING FORMAL: 99 DAYS.”
AMIGO
Today we are going to discuss all things: Amigo Spring Formal!
ASHLEY displays a Styrofoam head, skewered through with long spikes, an index card on the end of each spike.
(AMIGO)
I wrote all your questions on these cards, which Ashley has stuck into this head here. Just pick a card and read the question, and you’ll be picking my brain about this very exciting new thing we’re doing.
JESSICA picks a card.
But this isn’t my question.
JESSICA
That’s okay, you’re just picking my brain.
AMIGO
Can’t I just ask my question?
JESSICA
AMIGO
Nope. This is how we’re doing it, Jessica.
JESSICA
Okay. (reads)
“Is this a punishment?”
TOMMY
Because it feels like a punishment.
AMIGO
This is an opportunity to push ourselves beyond our daily routines. Marideth gave me the idea when she mentioned the Walkabout. Who’s next?
JESSICA
That wasn’t even my question.
CAROLINE approaches, reads a card.
“Do I need a date?”
Oh now, that’s actually my question!
CAROLINE
JESSICA
CAROLINE
I already know I’ll go with my boyfriend and I’ll look tragically elegant like Marie Antoinette before they cut her head off!
AMIGO
Thank you, Caroline. But you don’t have to have a date. You can ask someone if you like.
JESSICA
But they have to say yes.
AMIGO
That person does not have to say yes. You want to take one, Marideth?
MARIDETH approaches. She takes a card. Looks at it.
Can I leave?
MARIDETH
AMIGO
You can leave the Formal dance at any time.
MARIDETH
No, right now. Can I?
AMIGO
If you want to leave, of course you can. But I wish you—
MARIDETH drops the card, and exits.
DREW picks up MARIDETH’s card from off the floor.
Is this dance romantic?
DREW
AMIGO
It doesn’t have to be. But it can be. Who’s ready to pick another question?
TOMMY in spotlight.
TOMMY
I’d like to ask someone to the dance. I don’t know who yet. I find it difficult to speak to people. When I’m out, I don’t talk much. I have trouble making facial expressions. It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying. Sometimes I don’t, but usually I do. I’ve learned that if I raise my eyebrows—like this:
(he raises his eyebrows in interest)
I look interested. Whether I actually am or not.
(he raises his eyebrows in interest again)
THE DINER
MARIDETH and her father, MICHAEL, eating out at a diner.
So… Prom.
They’re calling it a “Spring Formal.”
MICHAEL
MARIDETH
MICHAEL
Yep. I had one of those. It’s like the best night ever. Everyone loves their prom.
MARIDETH
Spring Formal. Did you love it?
MICHAEL
I didn’t go to mine, actually. Because I’m not a great dancer. Not that you have to be great. Only it’s not my thing. But I’ve heard. It’s like the best night ever… So do you think you’ll go with someone?
MARIDETH
Australia remained secluded a lot longer than the Americas.
#5—Unlikely Animals
Oh, well that’s neat.
Most of the continent is empty.
MICHAEL
MARIDETH
MICHAEL
Marideth, I asked you a question. Remember, we talked about answering questions when you’re asked.
MARIDETH
A lot of marsupials only live in Australia.
Marideth
(giving into the segue)
I wonder why that is.
MICHAEL
MARIDETH
It’s pretty obvious.
AUSTRALIA IS AN ISLAND OUT IN THE PACIFIC THAT’S MOSTLY A DESERT. AUSTRALIA IS A LESSON IN WHAT ISOLATION AND DISTANCE CAN DO. A LAND OF UNLIKELY ANIMALS, SO STRANGE, THEY COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE.
MICHAEL
Did they put pickles on your burger? Dangit, I’m sorry, Marideth, I told them no pickles.
MARIDETH
THE PLATYPUS IS VENOMOUS, BUT ONLY AGGRESSIVE WHEN CORNERED AND FRIGHTENED.
How are the fries? Not too thick?
MICHAEL
MARIDETH
A BABY KANGAROO WILL HIDE INSIDE HER MOTHER’S POUCH ‘TILL SHE’S GROWN.
MICHAEL
Will you need a new dress for the dance?
MARIDETH
KOALAS ARE MY FAVORITE ‘CAUSE KOALAS MUCH PREFER TO BE ALONE.
IN AUSTRALIA, THE SNAKES WILL KILL YOU. THE JELLYFISH WILL KILL YOU TOO. MAYBE IT’S BETTER THAT I’LL ONLY EVER SEE THEM IN A ZOO.
MICHAEL
Marideth? I asked you if you’ll need a new dress?
MARIDETH
Caroline and Jessica are going to Macy’s.
MICHAEL
Oh. Well, I have a coupon for the Dress Barn. Would that be okay? The order bell dings in rapid succession. MARIDETH and MICHAEL both flinch.
MARIDETH
Can I wear my headphones?
MICHAEL
Of course. With her noise-cancelling headphones on, MARIDETH retreats deeper into her book.
MARIDETH
AUSTRALIA IS THE EVIDENCE THAT WHAT WE CALL NATURE IS NOT ALWAYS NORMAL. IT ALSO IS, FINANCIALLY, A DESTINATION OUT OF MY REACH. BUT I DON’T MIND, I’D RATHER BE ALONE INSIDE MY ROOM THAN ON THE BEACH.
IN AUSTRALIA, SEASONS ARE BACKWARDS, SO DECEMBER IS IN SUMMER. DRESSING LIKE SANTA IN A TROPICAL ZONE SOUNDS LIKE A MAJOR BUMMER… (back to her dad)
Remember when you dressed up as Santa? That last Christmas with Mom? Will you do that again? For my kids?
MICHAEL
What?
MARIDETH
What if I never marry or have kids? I might be an old maid.
MICHAEL
Start with learning how to dance. You want to get out of here?
MARIDETH
Yes.
MICHAEL
I’ll get the check.
MICHAEL gets up from the table to pay.
MARIDETH
AUSTRALIA IS AN ISLAND OUT IN THE PACIFIC THAT’S MOSTLY A DESERT.
AUSTRALIA IS A LESSON IN WHAT ISOLATION AND DISTANCE CAN DO. A LAND OF UNLIKELY ANIMALS, SO STRANGE THEY COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE.
#5A—Unlikely Animals (Playoff)
AMIGO FAMILY COUNSELING
#6—Butterflies Group
The COUNTDOWN CLOCK ticks down to read “AMIGO SPRING FORMAL: 75 DAYS.” The GROUP circles up.
TOMMY
I want to take my date to the Formal in my brother’s truck. So, I scheduled my driving test for the day before the dance… which sounds like an awful lot of pressure now that I say it out loud.
JESSICA
I’m reading this new romance novel at night called Dragons of Desire. It’s good for stress release.
AMIGO
Are you stressed about the Formal?
JESSICA
Well,
Can I leave?
I’VE HAD CRAZY, NERVOUS ARMPITS
SINCE THE FORMAL DANCE WAS FORMALLY ANNOUNCED.
MARIDETH
AMIGO
Sure, Marideth.
MARIDETH leaves. TOMMY raises his hand.
TOMMY
HAVING FLASHBACKS TO THE SECOND GRADE— MY MELTDOWN AT THE HARVEST PARTY, SCREAMING IN THE BOUNCY CASTLE EACH TIME IT BOUNCED.
REMY
THERE’S AN I-DON’T-KNOW SENSATION DEEP IN MY STOMACH, LIKE ANY MOMENT MY BREAKFAST COULD RISE.
TOMMY
A BIT OF VERTIGO, REMY A FLOATY, FLUTTERY FEELING INSIDE—
JESSICA SOMETHING LIKE BUTTERFLIES…
ASHLEY
Let’s give it up for butterflies! That means you’re alive and you’re excited about it.
TOMMY
I think Jessica meant butterflies in her stomach.
ASHLEY
Right, I meant metaphorical butterflies.
JESSICA
But I like real butterflies too, Tommy.
TOMMY
(raises his eyebrows) Oh, interesting.
AMIGO
(getting everyone back on track)
So, is anyone thinking about taking a date to the Formal?
DREW
When you ask someone, how would you know if you want to go to the dance with them?
ASHLEY
How would you know if they want to go to the dance with you?
DREW
(restating clearly)
How would you know if you want to go to the dance with them? And you just go up to them? And say what?
ASHLEY
You’ll probably ask someone who’s already your friend, so what would you say to a friend when you see them? Anyone want to jump in?
CAROLINE
I’D SAY “HI” OR “HOW’S IT GOING?”
GIVE A COMPLIMENT ABOUT THE WAY THEY LOOK.
TOMMY
Like, “Cool shirt. My dad has one like that.”
MEL
ASK THEM IF THEY’RE HAVING FUN? WHAT DO THEY DO IN THEIR SPARE TIME? OR YOU COULD TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER,
TOMMY OR FOOTBALL!
DREW OR A BOOK!
JESSICA
MAYBE THE THING YOU LIKE IS SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE LIKES, LIKE ME, I’M INTO OTHER PLACES—
REMY (to JESSICA) ME TOO! LIKE WHERE?
JESSICA
LIKE THE FOURTH—
REMY OR THE FIFTH—
DIMENSION, ANY DIMENSION!
REMY & JESSICA
REMY
MAYBE I COULD GO TO THE DANCE WITH YOU.
AMIGO assists.
AMIGO
Okay, this is good. Are you asking Jessica to go to the dance with you, Remy?
REMY
Yes. Jessica, will you go to the dance with me? As friends, if that’s all right.
AMIGO
Jessica, Remy just asked if you want to go to the dance together. What do you think?
JESSICA
Thanks but no thanks.
That’s okay.
I’m just not ready to settle down yet.
REMY
JESSICA
REMY
I understand.
REMY and JESSICA shake hands cordially.
AMIGO
Great job, you two.
(segueing into the next activity)
Let’s push the chairs back. Ashley is in charge today!
The GROUP moves the chairs and forms two lines. ASHLEY starts a metronome.
ASHLEY
Last week, we practiced counting on the beat. Like this: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
GROUP
(a total mess)
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
ASHLEY
Good. Remember your internal clock.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
GROUP
(a tiny bit better)
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
ASHLEY
Now here’s a ball. Dancing requires some coordination, so we’re going to practice throwing the ball on the beat.
REMY
I DON’T LIKE THROWING BALLS.
TOMMY
I DON’T LIKE FINDING THE BEAT.
REMY & TOMMY
BUT IF IT’S HARD, THEN IT’S WORTH DOING IT RIGHT.
REMY
WILL I BE TOTALLY HUMILIATED IF I MESS IT UP?
TOMMY WHEN I MESS IT UP!
GROUP WHEN I MESS IT UP! ON AMIGO SPRING FORMAL NIGHT?
A NEW DAY
The COUNTDOWN CLOCK ticks down to read “AMIGO SPRING FORMAL: 67 DAYS.” The GROUP circles up.
AMIGO
Let’s get settled. I have some exciting news today! At the dance, two of you will be announced as our king and our queen!
MEL shrinks into their chair.
ASHLEY
So we’re going to decide as a group: What makes someone “royal?”
CAROLINE
They wave like this. And they are sometimes decapitated.
AMIGO
I mean, what qualities make someone a good leader? Then we’ll take a vote, and announce the winners at the formal!
MEL
THERE’S A NOT-SO-SURE SENSATION DEEP IN MY STOMACH, REMY
THE SUDDEN URGE TO DISAPPEAR IN DISGUISE.
TOMMY IT MEANS THAT I’M ALIVE,
CAROLINE & JESSICA BUT ALSO NEUROTIC,
DREW & MARIDETH AND NERVOUS,
TOMMY & MEL EXCITED AND ANXIOUS, REMY BUT ALSO ALIVE! GROUP BUT ALSO BUTTERFLIES!
#6A—Butterflies Playoff
A BUS STOP
JESSICA (trying at the pronunciations) helps CAROLINE study for her Japanese exam.
“Jitensha.”
“Taxi cab!”
JESSICA
CAROLINE
No. It’s “bicycle.” How about “hikouki?”
JESSICA
CAROLINE
Helicopter?
JESSICA
Caroline, you don’t seem very prepared for your exam.
CAROLINE
It’s been so hard to focus in class. What color dress do you want?
JESSICA
We’re supposed to coordinate with what our date is wearing and I don’t have a date. “Basu.”
CAROLINE
I know that one! “Bus!” Do you want to come with me and Jay?
JESSICA
And be the third wheel again?
CAROLINE
We could double date!
JESSICA
That would still require me finding a date.
CAROLINE
Well, didn’t Tommy say today that he thinks you’re “interesting?”
JESSICA
He said butterflies were interesting. “Shinkansen.”
CAROLINE
When Tommy gets his driver’s license, you won’t have to take government transportation anymore. He can be your boyfriend and drive you around.
JESSICA
That would literally solve all my problems.
CAROLINE
It’s actually so romantic, Jess. He’s been right in front of you all along!
JESSICA
You really think I should ask Tommy?
CAROLINE
If you’re not sure, make a list of pros and cons. You love making lists.
JESSICA’s government transportation arrives and HONKS.
That’s my ride.
JESSICA
CAROLINE
(“See you later!”)
Mata Ne!
JESSICA
Good luck on your test! Want to play Minecraft after?
CAROLINE
I can’t. It’s my two-month anniversary. Jay is giving me the royal treatment at Dave and Buster’s.
JESSICA’s transportation driver HONKS again.
CAROLINE
Between falling in love and the Spring Formal, it’s like all my dreams are coming true…
CAROLINE gets lost in a fantasy about the dance. Her imagination carries her all the way to her college campus.
COLUMBUS STATE COMMUNITY COLLEGE
CAROLINE
I CAN SEE IT: ME AND JAY ARRIVING AT THE DANCE, LIKE A LORD AND LADY ENTERING THE BALL. AND I RECOGNIZE THAT SONG THAT’S ALWAYS ON THE RADIO—
The GROUP enters as elegant Regency Ball dancers in CAROLINE’s fantasy.
CAROLINE & GROUP
SHA-LA-LA,
SHA-LA-LA-LA.
CAROLINE
ON THE DANCE FLOOR, THERE’S JESSICA! AND TOMMY TOO. BUT WITH JAY HERE, I DON’T SEE THEM AT ALL. THEN THE SONG ENDS, AND THE NEW ONE IS THE PERFECT KIND OF SLOW FOR SLOW DANCING.
CAROLINE
WHEN HE TAKES ME IN HIS ARMS, SLOW DANCING, HE HOLDS ME TIGHTLY LIKE HE’LL NEVER LET ME GO.
GROUP
SHA-LA-LA,
SHA-LA-LA-LA, SHA-LA-LA, LA, LA.
CAROLINE
IS THERE A WAY FOR ME TO STOP THE CLOCK? I HOPE SO! PLEASE LET EVERY SONG BE SLOW.
IF MY BOYFRIEND WANTS A DANCING BREAK, THAT’S FINE BY ME. WE CAN SPLIT A ROOT BEER FLOAT UP AT THE BAR. I WON’T DANCE WITH OTHER GUYS, BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND OFTEN GETS… POSSESSIVE.
The GROUP pulls out red flags and dances with them.
CAROLINE
BUT HE WON’T BE LIKE THAT WHEN WE’RE SLOW DANCING, HE’S WARM AND STURDY, AND THE BEST PART IS HE’S MINE.
GROUP AH, AH, AH, AH.
CAROLINE
HE WHISPERS IN MY EAR, “YOU’RE ALL I NEED, CAROLINE.” SUDDENLY, I’M SHORT OF BREATH, BOTH ON CLOUD NINE AND SCARED TO DEATH.
OUR LIMBS AND FINGERS INTERTWINE!
CAROLINE tries to enter her class, but the door is locked. This is her classroom. Why is it locked? She wiggles the door handle, panicking.
CAROLINE
(she asks a passerby)
Excuse me, do you know where Japanese 1-0-2 is? I have an exam today— (she asks another passerby)
Excuse me, do you know where Japanese 1-0-2 is? I have an exam today—
A MAN walking past CAROLINE pauses.
MAN
Are you lost?
CAROLINE
… No. But I think everyone else might be. I can’t get into my class and we have an exam today and nobody’s here.
MAN
Well, that’s really frustrating. Do you have the TA’s number?
CAROLINE
I don’t know. Maybe on a paper somewhere…
MAN
Do you have a counselor? I can drive you to Student Affairs. I’m heading that way anyway.
CAROLINE
No thank you.
MAN
You sure you don’t want a ride? It’s starting to rain a little…
CAROLINE
I’m not supposed to.
MAN
My name’s Derrick. I work in the Pharmacy Technician Program. My car’s just over there. CAROLINE is unsure what to do. JOHANNA appears onstage, not really there.
CAROLINE
IF SOMETHING DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT, MY MOM SAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. THIS MAN SEEMS PERFECTLY NICE, EXCEPT FOR YOU KNOW WHAT? MOST MURDERERS SEEM NICE AT FIRST. THEN AGAIN, MISTAKES CAN HELP US GROW… BUT, SOME MISTAKES CAN’T BE UNDONE. BEING NINETEEN ISN’T FUN, THERE’S TOO MUCH I DON’T KNOW! (back to MAN)
I’M SORRY, DERRICK, I DON’T THINK MY BOYFRIEND WOULD WANT ME DRIVING IN A CAR WITH SOME STRANGE GUY. I DO NOT WANT TO MESS IT UP WITH HIM. SO GOODBYE.
MAN
I was just trying to help. Geez. Chill out. MAN leaves, annoyed. CAROLINE tries the door handle again. It still won’t open. She takes a deep breath.
CAROLINE
I CLOSE MY EYES AND THINK ABOUT SLOW DANCING, ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE FACT I WANT TO CRY.
MAYBE MY TEACHER WILL BE COOL AND SAY, “IT’S OKAY.”
TAKE THE TEST ANOTHER DAY, MAYBE EVEN GET AN “A.”
ONE DAY, GO TO TOKYO AND SEE A CAT CAFE! SLOW DANCING MY LIFE AWAY!
#7A—The Many Faces of Remy—Part 2
REMY
Hello from Ohio! This is “The Many Faces of Me,” with me, Remy. I took a little break because of a negative comment I got on my last post. But my friend, Mel, told me to be a duck—shake it off, and keep posting. So today, we continue our deep dive into the most iconic formal looks with: Carrie. What do you think I should wear to the Amigo Spring Formal? Put it in the comments. And be nice in there! My grandma reads those.
SCENE 11
AMIGO FAMILY COUNSELING
The COUNTDOWN CLOCK ticks down to read “AMIGO SPRING FORMAL: 54 DAYS.”
#8—Hello, How Are You? Amigo, Shauna, Drew
AMIGO and ASHLEY set up for the day. Phone rings.
ASHLEY
Phone call for you, Dad! It’s a reporter, I think.
RICK JENKINS calls from another part of the stage. AMIGO puts the phone on speaker.
RICK
HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?
THANKS, I’M FINE.
AMIGO
RICK
I’m Rick Jenkins, and I write for the Buckeye Blogger.
AMIGO
(to ASHLEY, covering the phone)
It’s a blogger, not a reporter.
RICK
I heard about your Spring Formal from a friend at church. I think it’s an inspiring story, and I’d like to learn more, maybe meet some of the participants?
AMIGO
I appreciate your interest, Mr. Jenkins, but the Amigo Spring Formal is a therapy tool.
RICK
Well thanks anyway!
AMIGO
Bye now!
RICK JENKINS hangs up and exits.
Phone rings again.
SHAUNA PARKS calls from another part of the stage.
(AMIGO)
HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?
THANKS, I’M FINE.
SHAUNA
Shauna Parks from The Columbus Gazette.
AMIGO waves ASHLEY over and puts the phone on speaker again for her to hear too.
AMIGO
Shauna Parks? I’m a big fan of your work.
SHAUNA
Really? Wow. I don’t get that a lot.
AMIGO
Your op-ed on the sanitation strike last month was so insightful.
SHAUNA
Oh, thank you. So, I heard about your Spring Formal from a friend at Pilates. I think it’s a fascinating story, and I’d love to talk to you more about it…
AMIGO
Excuse me just a moment.
AMIGO mutes the phone, and consults ASHLEY.
AMIGO
What do you think?
ASHLEY
You just told the other guy it’s a therapy tool.
AMIGO
Yes, but an article could be an opportunity to tear down stereotypes, build up the community.
ASHLEY
Then what about the blogger?
SHAUNA is still on the phone waiting.
So what do you say, Dr. Amigo?
SHAUNA
I only have one request— RICK JENKINS pops up again.
AMIGO
RICK
Sure, we can publish the post after the Formal. Looking forward. Talk soon.
ASHLEY
Dad, are you sure we’re going to be ready in time?
SPRING IS COMING, AND THE COUNTDOWN’S TICKING.
The COUNTDOWN CLOCK ticks down to read “AMIGO SPRING FORMAL: 33 DAYS.”
AMIGO
TIME TO ADD ON A NEW HOW-TO.
ASHLEY
HOW TO PREPARE AN INTERVIEW?
DREW enters in another part of the stage.
DREW
SPRING IS COMING, TIME TO CALL ADMISSIONS
‘CAUSE I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO.
The GROUP enters and sits.
DREW
I’ve decided to go to Ohio State.
The GROUP cheers.
TOMMY O–H!
GROUP
I–O!
AMIGO
You’re really turning down U of M, Drew? What about deferment?
DREW
I already told Admissions I’m not going.
ASHLEY
I think what my dad means is, “Congratulations,” Drew. This is really exciting.
MEL raises their hand.
MEL
Can I share something? I got this app for my phone. I type words into it, and it’ll read them out loud for me.
MEL types into their phone, which then reads out loud, “Hello!”
I didn’t speak much when I was younger. When I get overwhelmed, my voice still gets stuck sometimes.
AMIGO
That’s a great tool, Mel. I love when technology helps us communicate. Speaking of communication, a couple of reporters have reached out to me about the Amigo Spring Formal.
REMY
The press is coming?!
ASHLEY
Not to the actual dance.
AMIGO
And nothing will be published until after the Formal, so there’s no extra pressure. This is all in the spirit of putting ourselves out there. And celebrating the hard work you’ve been doing. Okay. Today, we’re going to practice “small talk!”
The GROUP groans.
How is that relevant to the Formal?
TOMMY
AMIGO
Well, Tommy, you might be grabbing a pop in between dances and you see somebody and want to strike up a casual conversation. Let’s go to the next room for some small talk improv!
AMIGO leads the GROUP off, but ASHLEY stops MEL.
ASHLEY
Hey, Mel? What’s the name of that app you mentioned? I’m building a resource list for the website, and I want to put it on there.
MEL
It’s called “Text to Speech.”
ASHLEY
Oh. Good name. It’s nice seeing you more again. Remember, I used to come after school and wait until my dad could drive me home? We played Mario Kart, and you always won?
MEL
I remember. Then you stopped coming by, out of nowhere. Why?
ASHLEY
Not for any reason. I had dance after school, and I hung out with my friends after rehearsal.
MEL
I thought we were friends.
ASHLEY
Well, dancing just kind of took over my life. You have to commit one hundred percent if you want to be the best. We should play Mario Kart again though.
MEL
I’m not into video games anymore.
Okay. What are you into now?
ASHLEY
MEL
We don’t need to be friends. Brené Brown says, “clarity is kindness.” So, I’ll just be a client, and you can be a dancer. It’s clearer that way.
#9—Come Home, Recover Ashley
ASHLEY
MAYBE I’M NOT A DANCER. NOT HERE, NOT ANYMORE. MAYBE I’M TIRED OF ABUSING MY KNEES ON A HARD REHEARSAL FLOOR. COME HOME, RECOVER, RESET, GET WELL. BUT SOMETHING ELSE WAS BROKEN BEFORE I FELL.
“PUSH THROUGH IT,” THEY TOLD ME, “DON’T FALL BEHIND.”
I’M NOT A QUITTER, BUT I THINK I CHANGED MY MIND… JESSICA interrupts.
JESSICA
Ashley, they need you in the other room. But I need your help first.
ASHLEY
What’s up, Jess?
JESSICA
I want to go to the Spring Formal with Tommy.
ASHLEY
That’s great. You should ask him.
JESSICA
But how can I make sure he says yes?
ASHLEY
You can’t. We have to make choices without knowing the outcome. That’s part of growing up.
JESSICA
I don’t like that at all.
Maybe that’s part of growing up too.
ASHLEY
ASHLEY leaves to help out in the next room.
CAROLINE runs in suddenly.
#9A—Outside Macy’s
CAROLINE
Jess, it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for! We’re going to the mall!
JESSICA
I’m so glad I’m not doing this alone. We shall be the Fellowship of the Dress. Suddenly, dozens of gowns are lowered from the ceiling.
TERRY and JOHANNA enter.
MACY’S
JESSICA, CAROLINE, JOHANNA, & TERRY Woah.
TERRY, JOHANNA, CAROLINE, and JESSICA browse the dresses, delighted.
CAROLINE
I already see one I like. Is it too sparkly?
JOHANNA
Is there such a thing?
JESSICA
I brought a clipboard. I have possible candidates. I know there’s like nine pages, but…
TERRY
(to JOHANNA)
She’s prepared.
JOHANNA
We want to see every dress you try on!
We’ll be right out here.
TERRY
JOHANNA
Every. Single. One.
JESSICA and CAROLINE take the dresses into their changing rooms. JOHANNA and TERRY wait outside.
JOHANNA
MY MOTHER TOOK ME TO THE DRESS DEPARTMENT AT THE MACY’S IN THE MALL. WHICH DRESS, WHICH SHOES WILL CINDERELLA CHOOSE TO WEAR TO THE BALL?
#10—Getting Ready for the Dance
Johanna, Terry
TERRY
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME HOW TO BLOT MY LIPSTICK, HOW TO PIN THE BOUTONNIÈRE.
WE PLAYED CRAZY EIGHTS WHILE WE WAITED FOR MY DATE TO APPEAR.
SO MANY THINGS THE OTHER KIDS DO, OURS GET NEVERS, NOS AND CAN’TS.
JOHANNA & TERRY
I WANT A PICTURE OF MY DAUGHTER GETTING READY FOR THE DANCE.
JESSICA and CAROLINE come out in dresses.
JESSICA
(admiring her dress in the mirror)
Oh! It looks a little gaudy on the hanger, but it’s beautiful on me, isn’t it?
CAROLINE models a revealing dress.
CAROLINE
Do you think Jay will like this one, Mom?
JOHANNA
What’s important is that you like it. Try the rainbow one—that’s your favorite color.
TERRY
MY BOYFRIEND PICKED ME UP AT HALF PAST SEVEN IN A RENTED LIMOUSINE.
THREE HUNDRED BUCKS, ONE RENTED TUX, AND I WAS FIT TO BE QUEEN.
JOHANNA
I RULED THE DANCE FLOOR WITH A PACK OF GIRLFRIENDS, DOING SOUL TRAIN IN THE GYM.
TERRY
WEARING GREEN WITH YELLOW TRIM,
TWIRLING FASTER, LIMB ON LIMB,
JOHANNA
EYEING THIS GUY AT EVERY SLOW SONG, BUT AFRAID TO TALK TO HIM.
JOHANNA
SO MANY MOMENTS THEY MISS OUT ON JUST BY LACK OF CIRCUMSTANCE.
JOHANNA & TERRY
I WANT THE MEMORY OF MY DAUGHTER GETTING READY FOR THE DANCE.
JOHANNA THE COSTUME JEWELRY,
TERRY THE DRUG STORE PERFUME
JOHANNA & TERRY FELT SO ROMANTIC.
JOHANNA
I WAS TERRIFIED,
I WAS TERRIFIED,
TERRY
JOHANNA & TERRY
EQUAL PARTS EXCITED, FRANTIC.
TERRY
I WANT THE SAME FOR HER, TO ENJOY, TO ENDURE ONE SMALL VICTORY—
JOHANNA
‘CAUSE WE COULD USE A VICTORY—
JOHANNA & TERRY
EACH SMALL VICTORY CAN FEEL GIGANTIC.
CAROLINE and JESSICA emerge wearing their dream dresses, in different shades of pink.
This is it. One dress to rule them all.
JESSICA
CAROLINE
I like the cut-outs on this one—easy access if I have an itch.
JOHANNA
You look dynamite. Your face changed when you put that one on.
JESSICA
Hey look, we match.
Think pink!
CAROLINE & JESSICA
TERRY
Twirl, girls!
They do a promenade for their mothers. It’s magical.
When they’re done, CAROLINE and JESSICA go back to their changing rooms.
In another part of the stage, at THE DRESS BARN. MICHAEL waits while MARIDETH tries on dresses.
How’s it going in there?
Am I supposed to come out?
MICHAEL
MARIDETH
MICHAEL
You can if you want to. Don’t know how much help I’ll be. I’m not the most stylish dad.
MARIDETH
Most of these have zippers.
Are dresses not supposed to?
I don’t like zippers.
You wear hoodies all the time.
MICHAEL
MARIDETH
MICHAEL
MARIDETH
I don’t like them on dresses.
MARIDETH opens the door of her changing room.
So which dress did you like the most?
MICHAEL
MARIDETH
None of them.
MICHAEL
Which did you hate the least?
MARIDETH points noncommittally to one zipperless dress.
Should we get that one then?
MICHAEL
MARIDETH
I don’t know if I’m even going to the dance.
MICHAEL
We could get one now and then return it if you don’t go—
MARIDETH
No thanks. Back at MACY’S.
JOHANNA
I MADE IT HOME MOMENTS BEFORE MY CURFEW,
TERRY
I STAYED OUT PAST MY CURFEW, JOHANNA KICKED MY SHOES OFF AT THE DOOR.
TERRY OUT WITH JOE VALLANTE—
TERRY
LOST ONE SHOE, THREW UP, BUT I GREW UP A BIT MORE.
JOHANNA
NOTHING PARTICULAR HAD CHANGED, BUT I GREW UP A BIT MORE.
JOHANNA & TERRY
SO MANY THINGS THE OTHER KIDS DO, OURS CAN FINALLY TAKE THE CHANCE.
I WANT A PICTURE OF MY DAUGHTER GETTING READY FOR THE DANCE.
(TERRY and JOHANNA take a picture of their daughters.)
PAWS AND CLAWS PET SHOPPE
#10A—Mel
MEL in spotlight.
MEL
Repetition creates reality. The human brain can reorganize itself by forming new connections between brain cells. So if you tell yourself something enough times, it becomes true to your brain. Habits. Beliefs. Like grooves in a record. If my brain was a record, it would probably be “Stop Making Sense” by the Talking Heads. I’ve been going to the Center since I was fourteen. A long time. I wasn’t great interacting with people at the start, but I practice. I repeat. And I read a lot of self-help books.
A phone rings.
I memorize quotes I like so they become part of my brain. Another groove. The phone rings on. The Paws and Claws store manager, HAWKINS, enters.
HAWKINS
Hey Mel? Mel? … Do you want to get the phone?
MEL
Can you get it? It’s not that I don’t want to answer. It’s just I don’t know what to say and I don’t normally do that, so I assume that it’s other people’s responsibility.
HAWKINS
But, you know, sometimes bosses ask that kind of thing in a collaborative kind of way when really it’s a nice way of saying, “do it.”
MEL
I’m supposed to feed the lizards and snakes, clean the tanks, and help customers if they have questions. And I do want more responsibility, but it needs to be clear to me up front.
HAWKINS
Mel, you really have to watch your attitude because when you act like you know better than everyone else, it’s very disrespectful. Paul said yesterday you were the same way.
MEL
I feel like there are times when we don’t completely understand each other.
HAWKINS
I don’t have to understand you because you’re an employee and your function is to work. You have a very good work ethic but what you need to learn from us is work etiquette. Okay? Do you want to take your break now, or after you feed the snakes?
MEL
I’ll feed the snakes first. And I wasn’t trying to be mean, but sometimes Paul stands over my shoulder when I’m working and I like to feel independent. (they type into their phone, which then reads out loud)
“I’m actually going to take my break now.”
#10B—Practice, Repeat
MEL finds a quiet place to sit, rocking back and forth.
AMIGO FAMILY COUNSELING
The COUNTDOWN CLOCK ticks down to read “AMIGO SPRING FORMAL: 14 DAYS.” The GROUP enters.
REMY
(to anyone listening)
If you’re wondering why my lashes look so long, it’s because yesterday’s look was Tammy Faye and I accidentally used super glue on my falsies.
AMIGO
Let’s find our seats. Is there anything we haven’t covered yet that you’re curious about?
Kissing?
Yeah, we can talk about kissing.
DREW’s electrical grid lights up again and he is in spotlight.
A circuit is basically like a pathway made of wires. Electrons flow through the path. For example, a battery or other power source gives the force—which is called voltage—and that force makes the electrons move. Like this.
The GROUP and AMIGO become electrons, moving on a circuit.
DREW
LIGHT IS MADE OF WAVES, SOUND IS MADE OF WAVES, PEOPLE ARE NOT MADE OF WAVES.
CAROLINE,
JESSICA, MEL, & MARIDETH
LIGHT, SOUND, PEOPLE ARE NOT MADE OF WAVES.
TOMMY & REMY
LIGHT IS MADE OF WAVES, SOUND IS MADE OF WAVES, PEOPLE ARE NOT MADE OF WAVES.
DREW
AMIGO
#11—Waves and Wires Drew, Group, Amigo, Ashley
DREW
DREW
CIRCUITS HAVE WIRES PEOPLE HAVE VEINS. WIRES CARRY LIGHT, VEINS CARRY BLOOD.
CAROLINE, JESSICA, MARIDETH, MEL, REMY, & TOMMY
CIRCUITS HAVE WIRES PEOPLE HAVE VEINS. WIRES CARRY LIGHT, VEINS CARRY BLOOD.
DREW
DANCING WOULD BE EASIER IF DANCING WAS MATH. STILL I KNOW, CURRENT ONLY CAN FLOW ON A CLOSED PATH.
CAROLINE, JESSICA, MARIDETH, MEL, REMY, & TOMMY
LIGHT IS MADE OF WAVES, SOUND IS MADE OF WAVES, FEELINGS COME IN WAVES, FEELINGS GO IN WAVES.
The COUNTDOWN CLOCK ticks down to read “AMIGO SPRING FORMAL: 10 DAYS.”
The GROUP stops being electrons. They are in a dancing exercise now. ASHLEY helps REMY and CAROLINE slow dance.
ASHLEY
This hand goes on their shoulder. And then these two hands, what do you think they do? Any guesses? You’re going to hold hands.
MEL & MARIDETH
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
DREW
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
CAROLINE, JESSICA, TOMMY, & REMY
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
REMY and CAROLINE slow dance. TOMMY and MEL pair up together. MARIDETH, DREW, and JESSICA watch.
ASHLEY
Find the beat like this. Do you hear the pace of the music, Tommy? Slow down.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
MEL & MARIDETH
Can I leave?
CAROLINE, JESSICA, DREW, TOMMY, & REMY
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
MARIDETH
ASHLEY
Did you know the waltz was invented in Austria, Marideth? You like Austria, right?
DREW & MARIDETH (correcting)
Australia.
ASHLEY
Well, I bet they waltz in Australia too. Go ahead and switch partners. Let’s get everyone on the dance floor this time.
ASHLEY motions DREW over to MARIDETH.
DREW
Marideth, do you have a partner? Marideth?
DREW touches MARIDETH’S shoulder—she recoils from him.
I don’t like to be touched.
MARIDETH
DREW
I’m sorry.
MARIDETH runs off.
DREW
SOCIAL CUES ARE TOO CONFUSING, BUT NUMBERS ARE CLEAR.
HOW TO LEARN WHAT THE SOCIAL CUES MEAN IS—
DREW
WHY I’M HERE…
CAROLINE, JESSICA, MEL, MARIDETH, ASHLEY, TOMMY, REMY, & AMIGO ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
GROUP
EVERYTHING OUT OF CONTROL! DREW practices asking MARIDETH to the Spring Formal.
DREW
(practicing)
Marideth, can I ask you a question? Do you want to go to the dance with me?
HOW TO ASK A GIRL OUT, ‘CAUSE IF I DON’T ASK THIS GIRL OUT I KNOW I’LL REGRET MY COWARDICE FOR ALL ETERNITY.
(practicing)
Marideth, can I ask you a question? Do you want to go to the dance with me? MEL joins in.
MEL
DO YOU KNOW WHAT INSANITY IS? DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER, EACH TIME EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT.
DREW
HOW TO ASK A GIRL OUT, ‘CAUSE IF I DON’T ASK THIS GIRL OUT I KNOW I’LL REGRET MY COWARDICE FOR ALL ETERNITY.
CAROLINE joins in.
CAROLINE
(overlapping—repeat once)
I THINK MY BOYFRIEND IS ANGRY, THOUGH I DON’T KNOW THE REASON WHY. ALL I KNOW IS HE HASN’T RETURNED MY CALLS SINCE LAST MONDAY.
MEL
(overlapping—repeat once)
DO YOU KNOW WHAT INSANITY IS? DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER, EACH TIME EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT.
DREW
(overlapping—repeat once)
HOW TO ASK A GIRL OUT, ‘CAUSE IF I DON’T ASK THIS GIRL OUT I KNOW I’LL REGRET MY COWARDICE FOR ALL ETERNITY.
JESSICA and TOMMY join in.
JESSICA & TOMMY (overlapping) IS TODAY THE DAY? IS TODAY THE DAY? IS TODAY THE DAY? IS TODAY THE DAY?
MARIDETH, ASHLEY, and REMY join in.
ASHLEY (overlapping)
COME HOME, RECOVER, RESET, GET WELL. BUT SOMETHING ELSE WAS BROKEN BEFORE I FELL.
MARIDETH
(overlapping)
SCREEN IS SQUARE, LIGHT IS BLUE. WITH PEOPLE, WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY’LL DO?
REMY
(overlapping)
THE LOOK TODAY IS BRAVERY. THE LOOK TODAY IS TRY NEW THINGS. THE LOOK TODAY IS BRAVERY. THE LOOK TODAY IS TRY NEW THINGS.
PARENTS
(overlapping)
AH, AH
TODAY IS—
CAROLINE,
DREW, & MEL
ALL
LIGHT IS MADE OF WAVES, SOUND IS MADE OF WAVES, PEOPLE ARE NOT MADE OF WAVES.
CIRCUITS HAVE WIRES, PEOPLE HAVE VEINS, CIRCUITS ARE CLEAR, PEOPLE ARE…
The COUNTDOWN CLOCK ticks down to read “AMIGO SPRING FORMAL: 7 DAYS.”
At the end of a therapy session, DREW grabs his book-bag and approaches MARIDETH.
DREW
(practicing)
Marideth, can I ask you a question? Do you want to go to the dance with me?
DREW meets MARIDETH centerstage.
Marideth, can I ask you a question?
MARIDETH
Do I have to answer?
DREW
(thrown by this question)
No.
Okay. What’s the question?
MARIDETH
DREW’s script is off. He grabs a book from his book-bag instead.
DREW
Do you want to… borrow my book about Pangea? It’s like a prequel to the Countries of the World.
MARIDETH
Yes.
DREW hands the book to MARIDETH. She takes it and exits.
DREW
CIRCUITS HAVE WIRES, PEOPLE HAVE VEINS.
CIRCUITS ARE CLEAR, PEOPLE ARE… I DON’T KNOW.
DREW BUT UNLIKE A CIRCUIT, BUT UNLIKE A CIRCUIT, BUT UNLIKE A CIRCUIT,
PARENTS / AMIGO / ASHLEY
CIRCUITS ARE CLEAR, VEINS CARRY BLOOD.
GROUP
SIX, FIVE, FOUR, THREE,
PARENT / AMIGO / ASHLEY
FEELINGS COME IN WAVES, FEELINGS COME AND GO.
ALL (MINUS DREW)
SIX, FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, THREE, TWO, ONE.
A PERSON CAN GROW!
MONDAY.
THURSDAY.
TUESDAY.
TODAY IS, TODAY IS, TODAY IS, TODAY IS, TODAY IS—
DREW
REMY
MEL
JESSICA
ALL
The COUNTDOWN CLOCK suddenly reads “AMIGO SPRING FORMAL: 1 DAY.”
END OF ACT I
#11A—Act II Opening
A memory from MARIDETH’s perspective: DREW stands before her, holding a book.
DREW
Do you want to borrow my book about Pangea? It’s like a prequel to the Countries of the World.
DREW offers MARIDETH the book, and she takes it. We stay with MARIDETH this time—in her world. She takes her new book everywhere.
SCENE 1
MARIDETH’S BEDROOM
#12—Drift
MARIDETH
CAN’T PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT’S ON THE PAGE, THE WINDOW KEEPS CATCHING MY EYE. WATCHING THE PUFFIEST CUMULUS CLOUDS DRIFT BY…
THIS BOOK IS FULL OF PHENOMENAL FACTS, THE KIND THAT I REALLY ENJOY. THIS BOOK I GOT FROM A FRIEND WHO IS ALSO A BOY.
MARIDETH
NO PURPOSE ON THEIR PATH, JUST DOING WHAT CLOUDS DO: THEY DRIFT, LIKE MY THOUGHTS DRIFT TO YOU…
GROUP
AH, AH, THEY DRIFT…
Marideth, Group
MARIDETH
THIS SAYS THE CONTINENTS ALL WILL COLLIDE IN THREE HUNDRED MILLION YEARS OR SO. WHEN THEY DO, MALIBU BEACH WILL BE FULL OF SNOW.
MARIDETH
NEW DESERTS WILL APPEAR IN LANDS THAT ONCE WERE COLD, WHEN THE CONTINENTS DRIFT BACK TOGETHER LIKE HANDS THAT HOLD.
GROUP
DESERTS WILL APPEAR IN AH
DRIFT BACK TOGETHER LIKE HANDS THAT HOLD.
MICHAEL brings MARIDETH her backpack and her sneakers. She ties her shoelaces carefully.
(MARIDETH)
FOCUS ON THE FACTS, BUT I CAN’T MAKE MY LIMBS RELAX. THAT FEELING WHEN TECTONIC PLATES SHIFT. SLOW, BUT WORTH THE WAIT, CONVERGING AT SOME FUTURE DATE.
AH, AH, AH.
MARIDETH
OUR OWN PERSONAL CONTINENTAL DRIFT. WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS NEW INFORMATION? WHAT MEANING SHOULD I EXTRACT? I’VE ALWAYS BEEN BETTER WITH BOOKS THAN WITH PEOPLE. FACT.
MARIDETH
SO, I’LL STAY IN MY ROOM, HIT REFRESH, FIND SOMETHING NEW. AND SOMEDAY, IN SOME UNLIKELY WAY,
(GROUP)
GROUP
AH, AH. SOMEDAY,
(MARIDETH)
IF YOU STAY, WHICH PEOPLE DON’T NORMALLY DO, THEN IN TIME MAYBE I’LL DRIFT TO YOU.
IF YOU STAY, I’LL DRIFT TO YOU.
(GROUP)
JESSICA in spotlight. She pulls out a list, and practices asking TOMMY to the dance.
JESSICA
Tommy. We’ve known each other a while now. Here’s why I think we should go to the dance together. One, I would love to ride in your brother’s truck. Two, I could be your girlfriend, and we could watch The Desolation of Smaug and hold hands—we don’t have to hold hands the whole time—it’s a long movie. We will double date with Caroline and Jay. That part is non-negotiable. How does all this sound to you?
#12A—Jessica Practices
AMIGO FAMILY COUNSELING
The usual circle of chairs is arranged. AMIGO, SHAUNA, and RICK sit. ASHLEY observes, out of the way.
AMIGO
I thought we’d begin with a “circle up”—it’s how I start all my sessions. For example: Hi. I’m Doctor Amigo. I was nervous about this interview, but now I’m just excited.
SHAUNA
(going along with it)
Hi. Shauna Parks. My favorite barista gave me an extra pump of peppermint this morning so that was nice.
RICK
Well, I’m Rick Jenkins, and my kid wet the bed last night, so that’s how my day started. Did I do that right?
AMIGO
Terrific. Now, what can I tell you about the Amigo Spring Formal?
SHAUNA
I was actually wondering about you. Did you always want to be a doctor?
AMIGO
My dad was a doctor—in Havana. Here, he was a sanitation worker. It was important to him that I restore the “doctor” in Doctor Amigo.
SHAUNA
And why this particular field?
AMIGO
When I finished my PhD, I chose to work with autistic folks because I knew what it felt like to be the “other.” Not a lot of Amigos in Columbus, you know.
RICK
Is this dance a normal course of therapy?
AMIGO
What is normal? I create supervised learning opportunities to fit my clients ’needs. Basically, the Formal is like a trial run for real life.
RICK
Well, lots of normal teenagers find dances very stressful. I would think for kids who suffer from autism—
#13—Terminally Human
Oh, I wouldn’t say “suffer.” These young adults face challenges, yes, but challenges don’t necessarily mean suffering.
RICK
What I mean is, couldn’t this be a recipe for disaster?
AMIGO
DISASTER IS ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY. REAL LIFE IS LOUD, CONFUSING, FAST. WE SHELTER OUR CHILDREN BECAUSE WE CARE, BUT HOW LONG CAN CHILDHOOD LAST?
SHAUNA
I would think you’d want to protect your clients from painful experiences?
AMIGO
ARE ANY OF US EVER SAFE FROM PAIN, WHATEVER PRECAUTIONS WE TAKE? WE’RE PUTTING OUR HOPES AND HEARTS ON THE LINE, HOPING OUR HEARTS DON’T BREAK. BUT SOMETIMES HEARTS BREAK.
AIM FOR A TARGET IN YOUR MIND, KNOWING LIFE RARELY HAPPENS AS DESIGNED. THEY WILL BELIEVE THEY CAN SUCCEED WHEN THEY SUCCEED, WHEN THEY SURVIVE.
WE’RE TERMINALLY HUMAN, WHICH MEANS WE’RE ALIVE.
Amigo
AMIGO
(AMIGO)
When I invite people to grow, I’m inviting them to a whole lot of trouble: conflict, disappointment, anger, just the mess of life.
SHAUNA
So why do it?
AMIGO
BECAUSE VICTORY IS ALSO A POSSIBILITY. YOUR ODDS IMPROVE EACH TIME YOU TRY. YOUR SKIN GETS THICKER, FAILURE STINGS A BIT LESS, AND MAYBE THAT’S WORTH ALL THE WORRY AND STRESS TO GET ALL DOLLED UP IN A SUIT OR A DRESS AND DANCE. BECAUSE VICTORY IS ONLY A POSSIBILITY IF YOU TAKE YOUR CHANCE.
This sinks in. AMIGO did a really good job.
RICK
Well, I think I have everything I need here.
AMIGO
Do either of you need a photo?
RICK
The blog didn’t budget for a photographer. RICK packs up and exits.
SHAUNA
Dr. Amigo? I think this could be a full profile. Maybe I could even go to the dance?
AMIGO
That’s flattering, but it’s not really about me.
ASHLEY
Plus it would be super inappropriate to have press there.
AMIGO
This is my daughter, Ashley.
So this is a family operation?
SHAUNA
AMIGO
No, no, no, Ashley goes to Juilliard. She’s just doing odds and ends here while she recovers from surgery.
ASHLEY
Yes, I am a dancer, and that is all I am capable of.
An awkward moment.
SHAUNA
Well, it’s wonderful what you’re doing here. I understand about the actual dance, of course, but maybe you could walk me through the venue?
AMIGO
The Encore Nightclub?
SHAUNA
Yes, I could see where everything is going to go, take some photos. Maybe after work, tonight? Seven o’clock?
AMIGO
Sure, I can do that. Seven o’clock.
SHAUNA
See you then.
SHAUNA exits.
See you then.
AMIGO
THOUGH THE ODDS ARE GOOD I’LL FALL APART, VICTORY IS ONLY A POSSIBILITY IF YOU TAKE A RISK AND START.
MULTIPLE LOCATIONS
In JESSICA’S ROOM. CAROLINE helps JESSICA practice asking TOMMY to the dance.
#15—So Much In Common Group
JESSICA
TOMMY, CAN WE TALK ABOUT DRAGONS? DON’T GET ME STARTED ON DRAGONS. OH WOW, YOU TOO?
I LIKE THE ONES THAT BREATHE FIRE. YOU ALSO LIKE FIRE? OF COURSE YOU DO.
I LIKE THINGS FROM OTHER PLACES, LIKE VORTICES AND CYBERSPACES. I DREAM THAT WE GO THERE, AND YOU AND ME DANCE OH-SO-SLOW THERE!
TOMMY, WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. TOMMY, DON’T YOU AGREE? TOMMY, WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME?
In DREW’S ROOM.
DREW
MARIDETH, YOUR EYES—NO. YOUR HAIR—NO. YOUR EARS—I DON’T KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS WRONG, THIS IS WEIRD, GOING POORLY AS I FEARED— DON’T GET UP, I’LL GO.
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DO TO ME, LIKE YOU REWIRED MY CIRCUITRY. THE MOMENT YOU ENTER, I FALL COMPLETELY OFF MY CENTER.
JESSICA
(overlapping)
TOMMY, WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. TOMMY, DON’T YOU AGREE?
TOMMY, WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME?
DREW (overlapping)
OH, MARIDETH, I’VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG. OH, MARIDETH, I HEAR A SLOW SONG.
In REMY’S ROOM and TOMMY’S ROOM. REMY holds several accessory choices: cravat, bolo and bowtie. TOMMY examines a collared shirt suspiciously.
REMY
I FEEL NERVOUS,
I’M QUITE SHY.
TOMMY
REMY WHAT WILL I WEAR TO THE DANCE?
TOMMY
I WANT TO CURL UP AND DIE!
TOMMY & REMY
I LIKE TO SOCIALIZE, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW. HOW WILL I SURVIVE TOMORROW IF I’M THIS NERVOUS NOW?
CAROLINE (writing in her diary)
CAROLINE AND JAY. JAY AND CAROLINE.
J-A-Y PLUS M-E FOR ALWAYS. I’M CERTAIN THAT ONE DAY WE’LL BE HANGING UP FAMILY PICTURES DOWN OUR HALLWAYS.
(CAROLINE)
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS ABSOLUTE, EXCEPT ONE THING I DON’T FIND CUTE: I HAVE RESERVATIONS ABOUT YOUR JEALOUS ACCUSATIONS.
JESSICA
(overlapping)
TOMMY, WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. TOMMY, DON’T YOU AGREE?
TOMMY, WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME?
CAROLINE
(overlapping)
J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y, JEALOUSY!
JAY, WHY ARE YOU SO POSSESSIVE OF ME?
DREW
(overlapping)
OH, MARIDETH, I’VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG. OH, MARIDETH, I HEAR A SLOW SONG.
GROUP
MAYBE WE ALL HAVE THIS IN COMMON, WHATEVER KIND OF PERSON YOU LIKE, CERTAIN THAT AS SOON YOU TELL THEM, DISASTER WILL STRIKE!
In MEL’S ROOM and MARIDETH’S ROOM. MEL practices dancing, while MARIDETH sits at the computer.
MEL
I FEEL READY. I’LL BE THERE. I WANT TO SHOW OFF MY MOVES.
MARIDETH
I WANT TO STAY IN THIS CHAIR AND READ ABOUT ANCIENT GEOGRAPHY.
GROUP
PLENTY COULD GO WRONG TOMORROW BY SIMPLY BEING ME.
JESSICA & DREW
TOMORROW NIGHT
CAROLINE & TOMMY BY BEING ME
MARIDETH, MEL, & REMY TOMORROW NIGHT
CAROLINE (overlapping)
CAROLINE AND JAY. JAY AND CAROLINE. J-A-Y PLUS M-E FOR ALWAYS. I’M CERTAIN THAT ONE DAY WE’LL BE HANGING UP FAMILY PICTURES DOWN OUR HALLWAYS.
JESSICA
(overlapping)
TOMMY, CAN WE TALK ABOUT DRAGONS? DON’T GET ME STARTED ON DRAGONS. OH WOW, YOU TOO? I LIKE THE ONES THAT BREATHE FIRE. YOU ALSO LIKE FIRE? OF COURSE YOU DO.
REMY (overlapping)
MAYBE A BOLO? OR BOWTIE?
MAYBE A BOLO? OR BOWTIE?
DREW (overlapping)
MARIDETH, YOUR EYES—NO. YOUR HAIR—NO.
(DREW)
YOUR EARS—I DON’T KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS WRONG, THIS IS WEIRD, GOING POORLY AS I FEARED— DON’T GET UP, I’LL GO.
TOMMY (overlapping)
I REALLY HATE COLLARED SHIRTS, I WANT TO CURL UP AND DIE.
MEL (overlapping) BY SIMPLY BEING ME.
MARIDETH (overlapping)
AND READ ABOUT ANCIENT GEOGRAPHY.
GROUP
THE FORMAL IS TOMORROW NIGHT. AND ONCE I’VE DONE THIS CLASSIC RITE, WHO KNOWS WHAT AWAITS ME?
JESSICA
LIKE MAYBE AFTER TOMMY DATES ME! TOMMY, WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
DREW
OH, MARIDETH,
TOMMY
I STILL WANT TO CURL UP AND DIE.
CAROLINE
J-A-Y.
NO BOW-TIE!
REMY
DREW
MAYBE THIS WILL END IN DISASTER, BUT I’M GONNA TRY!
TOMORROW NIGHT,
MARIDETH
TOMMY
AND TRY AND TRY AGAIN,
CAROLINE
TOMORROW NIGHT,
TOMMY & MEL (overlapping)
TRY AND TRY AND TRY AGAIN, TRY AND TRY AND TRY AGAIN,
MARIDETH & DREW
(overlapping)
TOMORROW NIGHT, TOMORROW NIGHT, TOMORROW NIGHT,
(overlapping)
TOMORROW NIGHT,
(overlapping)
T-O-M-M- WHY?
CAROLINE
JESSICA
REMY (overlapping)
TRY AND TRY AND TRY GROUP AND TRY!
OUTSIDE THE COLUMBUS DMV.
TOMMY studies for his driving test. CAROLINE and JESSICA enter.
CAROLINE
See, I told you there was a bus stop by the DMV.
JESSICA
Isn’t it weird asking Tommy here?
It’s romantic.
CAROLINE
JESSICA
Is it? Maybe I just won’t go to the formal.
CAROLINE
Stay positive! You’ll ask Tommy, he’ll ace his driving test, he’ll drive you to the dance and we can finally double date.
JESSICA
I don’t know—
CAROLINE
Come on, it’s now or never!
(to TOMMY)
Oh Tommy, Jessica has something she needs to ask you.
CAROLINE pushes JESSICA towards TOMMY.
TOMMY
Hey Jessica, what are you doing here?
JESSICA
Tommy. Hello. I have a question.
TOMMY
I have a question too. Do you always have to yield to pedestrians?
JESSICA
Yes. But back to my question, will you go to the dance with me? You can pick me up in your brother’s truck. We don’t have to dance the whole time, we just have to go together.
TOMMY
Sorry, Jessica, I’m going with someone else.
JESSICA Who?
TOMMY
Mel.
JESSICA
Why them?
TOMMY
Mel is really easy to talk to. I should keep studying.
JESSICA
I’m easy to talk to. You can talk to me about anything.
TOMMY
Thank you. But I’m still going with Mel. Well, I have to take my driving test now. See you, Jessica.
Are you okay?
No, that was humiliating.
CAROLINE
JESSICA
CAROLINE
Don’t worry, Jess, we’ll get you another guy. Jay has a friend—
#16—So Much In Common (Reprise) Jessica
TOMMY exits. CAROLINE rushes to JESSICA’S side.
JESSICA
I don’t want another guy. I don’t want to obsess over guys.
IT’S ALARMING
THESE DAYS, YOU’RE SO FOCUSED ON JAY HE’S YOUR WHOLE PERSONALITY LIKE SOME BORING, ROMANTIC CLICHE I JUST NEED YOU TO MEET ME HALFWAY
CAUSE YOU’RE DROPPING THE BALL ON OUR FRIENDSHIP AND I’M DOING ALL OF THE WORK. AND I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS, BUT, CAROLINE
Your boyfriend is kind of a jerk!
JESSICA storms out. CAROLINE exits in the opposite direction.
#16A—Chevy Silverado
TOMMY enters.
Licensed driver coming through!
TOMMY
I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE DAY WHEN I CAN TAKE MY BROTHER’S TRUCK OUT FOR A RIDE. IT’S A CHEVY SILVERADO WITH A TURBO-DIESEL ENGINE, PLUS HYPEREUTECTIC ALUMINUM PISTONS INSIDE!
WHEN I’M IN A TRUCK, I SEE THE WORLD FROM UP HIGH, AND THERE’S POWER IN THAT NEW POINT OF VIEW. MY BROTHER TOLD ME “NO,” BUT I FOUND HIS CAR KEYS…
In your face, Scott!
CHECK MIRRORS, SIGNAL, BUCKLE UP, KEEP HANDS AT TEN AND TWO— LET’S CRUISE THE AVENUE!
TOMMY leaves the stage. We hear the door open and close, the engine turns on and the tires skid dangerously down the road.
CRASH!
Tommy
(TOMMY)
(from offstage)
I’m okay!
AMIGO FAMILY COUNSELING
ASHLEY shows AMIGO an email on her cell phone.
ASHLEY
Dad. Listen to this email that just came in for you. From Drew. It’s not good. In a different part of the stage, DREW appears in spotlight.
#16B—Admissions Drew
DREW (angrily)
DID YOU CALL ADMISSIONS?
BECAUSE I JUST HEARD FROM U OF M ADMISSIONS, AND THEY SAID THAT YOU SAID THAT I MIGHT BE CHANGING MY MIND— WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
Did my dad put you up to this? Regardless, you don’t need to contact Michigan again. I made my decision, and I’m not going. That’s it, Drew.
AMIGO
May I see the email? I think you’re misinterpreting this. To me, it reads more—
DREW (cheerfully matter of fact)
DID YOU CALL ADMISSIONS?
BECAUSE I JUST HEARD FROM U OF M ADMISSIONS, AND THEY SAID THAT YOU SAID THAT I MIGHT BE CHANGING MY MIND— WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
Did my dad put you up to this? Regardless, you don’t need to contact Michigan again. I made my decision, and I’m not going. That’s it, Drew.
ASHLEY
That’s not how he meant it. He’s upset.
AMIGO
Tone is very tricky in email.
ASHLEY
Did you actually call U of M? Why would you do that?
AMIGO
I called to check if deferment was an option, just in case. Drew knows I’m looking out for his best interests.
ASHLEY
Where Drew goes to college isn’t about you. This dance isn’t about you.
AMIGO
I don’t think any of this conversation is about me, mija. I think you’re worrying about everyone else so you don’t have to look at your own life. I understand your confidence is shaken, but it’s time to go back to school.
(“I’m serious”)
Lo digo en serio.
ASHLEY
Dad, I don’t want to go back. I want to stay here in Ohio. I want to work here at Amigo Family Counseling.
AMIGO
And you expect me to give you a job?
ASHLEY
Just the one I already have.
AMIGO
(“give me patience”)
Dame paciencia, you’re helping out temporarily. If you want a full-time job you’ll need to apply, like any other place. And without a college degree, your application is not looking great.
ASHLEY
I’ve looked into an Associate’s Degree. I can start this summer. Look, I love being with our clients. I’m good with them, I’m comfortable with them.
AMIGO
(“Comfortable,”)
¿Cómoda, Ashley? I want more for you than that.
ASHLEY
(“And what about what I want? That’s not important to you?”)
¿Y lo que yo quiero? ¿Eso no te importa?
AMIGO
Ashley Isabel Amigo, you are not dropping out of college. Amigos don’t quit.
ASHLEY
What about your marriage then?
AMIGO
She left me! I didn’t want this.
ASHLEY
(“It’s my choice!”)
And I don’t want to dance. ¡Es mi decisión!
AMIGO
(“But what happens here at the Center is my decision.”)
Pero, lo que pasa aquí en el Centro es mi decisión. My decision! So… you’re fired.
ASHLEY
Dad, you can’t do that. This is Amigo Family Counseling. I’m family.
AMIGO
(“Sorry,”)
Lo siento, mija, but I won’t let you use the Center as a place to hide. You’ll thank me later.
AMIGO leaves. ASHLEY takes a deep breath.
ASHLEY
PUSH THROUGH IT THEY TOLD ME DON’T FALL BEHIND.
I’M NOT A QUITTER BUT WHY CAN’T I CHANGE MY MIND?
Then, suddenly, ASHLEY knocks over some supplies angrily. MEL interrupts.
#16C—Don’t Fall Behind Ashley
Ashley?
MEL
ASHLEY
Sorry, Mel, I didn’t know anyone was still here. I was just…
MEL
Redecorating?
My Dad left, but can I help you?
Didn’t he just fire you?
I can still take a message. For a friend?
ASHLEY
MEL
ASHLEY
I got the promotion at work.
Congratulations! I’m happy for you!
MEL
ASHLEY
MEL
But now I have to cover Paul’s shift tomorrow, during the dance.
ASHLEY
Oh no, can’t someone else do it?
I’m Head of Reptiles now.
MEL
ASHLEY
But you’ve been working so hard to get here. And who will Tommy go with?
MEL
Oh, Tommy can’t go either. He crashed his brother’s truck (on ASHLEY’s worried reaction)
(MEL)
He’s totally fine. Just totally grounded.
ASHLEY
But if you two can’t celebrate after all your hard work, well, that sucks!
MEL
No, living at the poverty line sucks. Making sub-minimum wage for years because I’m disabled sucks. Not having the option to move back in with my parents sucks.
ASHLEY
I know, I’m very fortunate. I’m sorry.
MEL
… Well, I don’t know about “very fortunate.” You are unemployed.
ASHLEY
Yeah. Is Paws and Claws hiring?
MEL
I wouldn’t recommend that. Though I do like working with the animals.
ASHLEY
Do you think that’s your purpose? To help animals?
MEL
Audre Lorde said, “our visions begin with our desires.” I want to run a rescue organization someday. I promised Jessica I’d find her a yorkie to adopt.
ASHLEY
I used to think God gave me this one specific talent: dancing, and it was my responsibility to share it with the world. That sounds so childish now.
MEL
“Never let success go to your head, never let failure get to your heart.”
Audre Lorde?
Beyoncé.
ASHLEY
MEL
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? FORGET ABOUT ADAM AND EVE— I BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION. I THINK PEOPLE LIKE ME LIVED MANY LIVES AS A TREE, BUT IT’S OUR FIRST GO AT A HUMAN EDUCATION.
I’M CLUMSY ‘CAUSE I’VE NEVER HAD FEET BEFORE. I’M USED TO MY ROOTS BEING STUCK IN THE FLOOR. WITH EVERY RETURN, THERE’S STUFF LIKE “FEET” TO LEARN, THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF REINCARNATION.
You think you were a tree?
ASHLEY
MEL
Many trees, over many lives.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU STILL HAVE PLENTY WORK TO DO. FAILURE IS A PART OF CREATION. YOU FALL ON YOUR FACE, THAT’S A CHANCE TO EMBRACE THE HUMILITY INSIDE HUMILIATION.
WHEN I FEEL TENSE LIKE I’M STUCK IN A STORM, I SWAY MY BRANCHES SO I CAN STAY WARM, AND WHEN I’M A TREE, NOTHING CAN BOTHER ME. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF REINCARNATION.
ASHLEY
I can’t just be a tree, Mel. If I don’t go back to Juilliard, I need a plan. I’VE ALWAYS HAD DIRECTION, BUT NOW I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET MY LIFE TOGETHER HERE IN OHIO. NO JOB, NO APARTMENT, NO COLLEGE DEGREE. PLEASE GOD, IN MY NEXT LIFE, CAN I BE SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME?
MEL
STOP HOLDING YOURSELF TO SOME RIDICULOUS IDEAL, THAT’S THE FASTEST PATH TO SALVATION.
WE’VE ALL COME SO FAR.
BE AT PEACE WHERE YOU ARE. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF REINCARNATION.
How do you know all this stuff?
ASHLEY
MEL
Books. And TikTok.
WE’VE ALL COME SO FAR.
ASHLEY
BE AT PEACE WHERE YOU ARE.
MEL & ASHLEY
THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF REINCARNATION.
THE ENCORE NIGHTCLUB
AMIGO waits with two glasses of wine. He checks his watch.
#18—Two Steps Backwards Group
GROUP
ONE STEP FORWARD, AND THEN TWO STEPS BACKWARDS IS A DANCE WE ALL KNOW BY HEART. FEELING DREAD ABOUT THE PATH AHEAD BEFORE YOU EVEN START.
SHAUNA finally arrives.
SHAUNA
Sorry I’m late, Dr. Amigo. Got sidetracked at the office.
AMIGO
Please call me Emilio. Don’t worry. Do you want a drink? I read an article about merlot in Wine Spectator Magazine. At the doctor’s office, I don’t subscribe. My wife—my ex-wife— did the sniffy swishy thing.
SHAUNA
No, thank you. But you should go ahead, please.
AMIGO’s phone rings.
AMIGO
Sorry, that’s rude of me to leave this on. I’ll send it to voicemail. A loud dance song starts. It’s hard to hear over the noise.
SHAUNA
Wow, it’s loud in here.
What?
It’s louder than I expected it to be!
AMIGO
SHAUNA
AMIGO
Well, today is Friday—Singles Dance Night. Did you know?
SHAUNA
I did not.
AMIGO’s phone rings again.
I’m so sorry—I thought this was off— (he silences the phone) So, Shauna, tell me about you?
AMIGO
SHAUNA
Oh. Um. Actually, it’s hard to focus in here. How about I call you from the office in a few days? And I can snap a few photos on my way out.
AMIGO
There’s an Italian place down the street.
SHAUNA
That sounds nice, but my fiancé is waiting for me at home. Sorry. I know I’m not wearing a ring. Julia says we don’t need symbols to prove we’re in love.
AMIGO
I totally get it. My ex-wife and I had rings and look where it got us. Divorced. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.
SHAUNA
I’m not uncomfortable.
AMIGO
I am. Is this the worst interview you’ve ever had?
SHAUNA
Not even close. I’ll follow up next week. And, I’m sure the right person is out there for you. Good luck tomorrow, Dr. Amigo.
SHAUNA leaves.
AMIGO’s phone DINGS with a VOICEMAIL notification.
RICK
Ah, shoot, I was hoping to reach you, Dr. Amigo. No need to call back. I’ll leave a message. The article just poured out of me. My editor loves it. So much, he wants to post it this weekend, tonight. The Internet—so instant. Right? I know I said we’d publish after the dance, but it’s out of my hands. You’re gonna love the article. You come off looking great—I emailed you the link. Gotta go.
Light down on RICK JENKINS.
AMIGO pulls up the article and reads…
AMIGO
(reading from the article)
“In a world full of bad news, we love to highlight someone like the charismatic Dr. Amigo. There’s no better word to describe him than ‘hero.’ You see, all the kids at Amigo Family Counseling suffer from Autism Spectrum Disorder, which for them, and also for their families, is a life sentence.”
(he reads ahead)
This is not what we discussed!
AMIGO runs offstage to deal with this disaster.
Each member of the GROUP enters in their own spotlight,reading the article on their phones.
JESSICA
(reading from the article)
“Indeed, they are unlikely to experience most of life’s milestones, like living independently,”
CAROLINE
(reading from the article)
“or getting married and having children.”
TOMMY
(reading from the article)
“But this generous doctor is giving his differently-abled patients the next best thing: A Spring Formal.”
(reading from the article)
“For one evening, they will be transformed into kings and queens; for one evening, they will be celebrated.”
MARIDETH
(reading from the article)
“They will also face their worst fears: a nightclub full of lights and sounds that could trigger tantrums, meltdowns, or worse.”
DREW
(reading from the article)
“So, when you’re feeling nervous about that tough conversation at work, think of the brave boy with autism asking the girl he likes to dance.”
REMY’S CLOSET
#19—Nothing at All
Remy, Group
REMY, wearing uncharacteristically drab colors, steps forward with the tripod and presses record.
REMY
(reading from the article)
“These inspiring kids may be ‘terminally human,’ but thanks to Dr. Amigo, they won’t let their special needs stop them. If they can do it, what’s your excuse… ?”
(to the camera)
IT’S NOT LIKE I’M SHOCKED BY THE ABLEIST CLICHES, BUT THEY DO MAKE ME TIRED. DO I ONLY EXIST ON THIS PLANET TO MAKE SOMEBODY ELSE FEEL INSPIRED?
I’M NO OBJECT OF PITY, AND IF THAT’S WHAT YOU SEE, THEN CLEARLY YOU AREN’T SEEING ME.
‘CAUSE WHEN I’M ROGER RABBIT, I AM TOTALLY HILARIOUS. WHEN I’M SHERLOCK, THE WORLD MAKES PERFECT SENSE. WHEN I’M HARLEY QUINN, I GET A LITTLE UNPREDICTABLE, AND THOSE DAYS, I CAN BE A BIT INTENSE. BUT TODAY’S LOOK IS NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL.
I TRY TO HAVE PATIENCE, MEETING FOLKS WHERE THEY’RE AT, BUT THIS GETS UNDER MY SKIN.
‘CAUSE IF YOU’RE WRITING ABOUT ME, THEN GETTING TO KNOW ME SHOULD BE WHERE YOU BEGIN. IT’S SO CONDESCENDING, ASSUMING THE WORST, WITHOUT EVEN MEETING ME FIRST.
REMY
‘CAUSE WHEN I’M WANDA MAXIMOFF, I CAN CHANGE MY OWN REALITY.
WHEN I’M GAGA, I’M READY TO REHEARSE.
WHEN I’M MILES MORALES, THEN I REALLY DO BELIEVE I AM A SUPERHERO IN THE MULTIVERSE. BUT TODAY’S LOOK IS NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL.
THEN COME THE VOICES OF DOUBT, SAYING RIGHT ON CUE:
GROUP
AH,
AH, AH. AH, AH.
AH, AH.
I SEE MY PAST REJECTIONS FRAMED AND HUNG ON THE WALL, AND I WISH I FELT NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING AT ALL.
SO SICK OF GOOD INTENTIONS THAT ONLY MAKE ME FEEL SMALL. YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS ALL ADD UP TO NOTHING AT ALL.
“THIS WORLD WILL NEVER MAKE SPACE FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU!”
WALL AH
AH, AH
AH, AH
AH, OH NOTHING REMY
THAT’S WHY TOMORROW NIGHT, I WILL NOT BE AT THE FORMAL DANCE. THOUGH I’VE WORKED HARD TO GET THERE ALL THIS YEAR.
THAT’S RIGHT, TOMORROW NIGHT, I WILL BE DOING MY FIRST LIVESTREAM TO DISCUSS THIS CONTROVERSY FURTHER HERE. ‘CAUSE THE WHOLE CONVERSATION NEEDS A HUGE OVERHAUL. AND IF WE SIMPLY DO NOTHING, NOTHING WILL CHANGE AT ALL.
THE ENCORE NIGHTCLUB
#20—The Amigo Spring Formal
Amigo, Parents
A disco ball lowers from the ceiling, as does a sign that says: The Amigo Spring Formal. AMIGO enters, calling ASHLEY—it goes right to voicemail.
AMIGO
Mija, please call me back. You didn’t come home. I just need to know that you’re safe. AMIGO straightens and tidies the decorations.
HOW TO GET THINGS READY WHEN I HAVEN’T SET THINGS RIGHT? HOW TO SHAKE THIS FEELING THAT I RUINED THIS WHOLE NIGHT?
AMIGO’s phone rings—he answers.
In another part of the stage, JOHANNA appears in her home and calls AMIGO.
JOHANNA
I’M SO SORRY TO DO THIS, BUT CAROLINE IS SO UPSET.
I DON’T THINK SHE’LL BE MAKING IT TO THE DANCE. TERRY appears in her home, calling AMIGO.
TERRY
JESSICA WON’T BE MAKING IT TO THE DANCE.
JOHANNA & TERRY
‘CAUSE THIS HUGE FIGHT!
JOHANNA WITH JESSICA,
TERRY WITH CAROLINE,
JOHANNA & TERRY
SPOILED THE FUN. THE GIRLS AREN’T EVEN SPEAKING, AND BOTH ARE COMPLETELY UNDONE— TOO HEARTBROKEN TO SEE ANYONE.
AMIGO
OF COURSE, I UNDERSTAND. LIFE DOESN’T ALWAYS GO AS WE PLANNED.
KURT and AMY enter, also calling AMIGO.
KURT DID YOU CALL ADMISSIONS?
AMY
BECAUSE DREW SAID YOU CALLED U OF M ADMISSIONS,
KURT
AND YOU SAID THAT DREW MIGHT BE THINKING OF CHANGING HIS MIND—
AMY & KURT WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
KURT
Whether we agree with it or not, it’s Drew’s choice!
MICHAEL enters with his phone, as AMIGO is bombarded with more phone calls of cancellations.
MICHAEL
SORRY, I TRIED MY BEST, MARIDETH WILL NOT GET DRESSED. In another part of the stage, REMY signs on to do his livestream.
REMY
This is the “Many Faces of Me,” with me, Remy: live! I see you, Tommy!—Our first topic is: Nothing about us without us.
PARENTS
AS FOR THAT BLOG ONLINE, IF YOU WANT TO PROMOTE THE CENTER, THAT’S FINE.
JOHANNA
BUT WHY WAS ALL OF IT CENTERED ON YOU?
AMY & KURT
NOT SOMETHING WE THOUGHT YOU WOULD DO!
JOHANNA & TERRY
IT DIDN’T SOUND LIKE THE AMIGO THAT WE KNOW.
MICHAEL
SO, JUST CALLED TO TELL YOU THAT MARIDETH WON’T GO.
JOHANNA
SORRY…
SORRY…
SORRY…
NOT SORRY!
MICHAEL
TERRY
AMY & KURT
AMIGO is left alone in the nightclub.
AMIGO
FAILURE WAS ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY, AND THIS ONE BELONGS TO ME.
I’M ADDING THIS DANCE TO MY LIST OF “HOW-TOS:” HOW TO LOSE PEOPLE’S TRUST, HOW TO MISS ALL THE CUES, HOW TO OWN UP TO THE FACT I CROSSED A LINE?
I LOST THE POINT: THEIR STRUGGLES, THEIR VICTORIES NOT MINE.
Suddenly, DREW enters the nightclub, looking handsome in a navy suit. He’s surprised to see no one there.
DREW
Dr. Amigo?
Drew? What are you doing here?
AMIGO
DREW
I’m here for the Amigo Spring Formal. Where is everyone?
AMIGO
Nobody came.
But I shaved and everything.
I’m sorry, I’m disappointed too.
DREW
AMIGO
Was it the article? Because that was bad.
DREW
AMIGO
It wasn’t what I intended, believe me.
DREW
Did you intend to call U of M and lie about me?
AMIGO
No! I only called them because I don’t want you to regret making the safe choice. I want you to have every opportunity—
DREW
But I want to stay here in Ohio, and at Amigo Family Counseling. It’s my decision.
AMIGO
You’re right. It’s up to you when you want to start your life.
DREW
But my life has already started. I’VE BEEN MAKING GOOD GRADES,
#21—Building Momentum Drew, Amigo
(DREW)
GOOD FRIENDS, GOOD PROGRESS, THIS YEAR HAS BEEN A PERSONAL BEST. EXCEPT MY LOVE LIFE WAS STALLED— LIKE THIS CONCEPT IN PHYSICS: AN OBJECT AT REST STAYS AT REST.
THEN YOU SUDDENLY GAVE ME THE CHANCE TO FIND THE GUTS TO LEARN HOW TO DANCE. BUT THE HARDEST PART WAS TO START
BUILDING MOMENTUM, THE VERY BEGINNING. BUILDING MOMENTUM, THE ENERGY SPINNING.
MOVING WITH PURPOSE AND PICKING UP SPEED HAS TAUGHT ME THE ONE LESSON I’LL EVER NEED: THE FIRST STEP TO SUCCEED IS BUILDING MOMENTUM.
Besides, I like Marideth.
I wondered about that.
I couldn’t ask her to the Formal.
AMIGO
DREW
AMIGO
How could you? She never sticks around long enough.
DREW
But I was going to ask her to dance. So, we have to do this.
AMIGO
I can’t drag everyone out of their homes.
DREW
LET’S THROW A NEW DANCE TOMORROW. LET’S USE THE CENTER! WE CAN CATER ALL OUR FAVORITE FOOD.
(DREW)
WE’LL CLEAR THE CHAIRS TO THE WALL. I BET MEL WOULD DJ! AND I CAN BRING SMART LIGHTS TO SET THE MOOD.
I’LL CALL EVERYONE PERSONALLY— OR GET MY MOTHER TO DO IT FOR ME. MY MOM’S HARD TO REFUSE. WE CAN’T LOSE.
BUILDING MOMENTUM, I HAVE TO KEEP MOVING. GIVING ATTENTION TO WHAT NEEDS IMPROVING. FACING THE FEARS THAT HAVE KEPT ME ALONE HAS FILLED ME WITH CONFIDENCE I’VE NEVER KNOWN, LIKE I DISCOVERED MY BACKBONE.
BUILDING MOMENTUM.
AMIGO You want to dance with Marideth that badly?
DREW
Yes!
… Okay then!
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE DOES TO ME, LIKE SHE REWIRED MY CIRCUITRY. MY OPERATING SYSTEM’S REELING, AND I CAN’T BEAR TO LOSE THIS FEELING!
AMIGO
Really?
It’s a good idea.
DREW
AMIGO
DREW
And I can be in charge? I have ideas about romantic optimization.
AMIGO
You want to be in charge of the whole dance?
DREW
I know how to delegate and I can be trusted.
AMIGO
Then, yes, you can be in charge. It’ll help me with my new Social Resolution: Get out of the way and let people make their own decisions.
DREW
Are we done now? I have a lot of work.
AMIGO
Me too. Good luck.
AMIGO gives DREW the keys to the Center, shakes his hand and leaves him to it.
DREW
BUILDING MOMENTUM, THE VERY BEGINNING. BUILDING MOMENTUM, THE ENERGY SPINNING.
NO WAY I’M THROWING MY BEST CHANCE AWAY, IF I HAVE TO THROW A NEW DANCE EVERY DAY. IT’S THE ONLY WAY HOW TO KEEP GROWING FROM NOW: BUILDING MOMENTUM! BUILDING MOMENTUM!
MULTIPLE LOCATIONS
#22—The Second Chance Dance Amigo, Parents, Group
In DREW’S HOME. AMY calls the other mothers.
AMY
HI JOHANNA, IT’S AMY. ARE THE GIRLS IN A FIGHT?— WELL, I’M SURE THAT THEY’LL TALK IT ALL THROUGH— DREW HAD A SPARK OF BRILLIANCE ABOUT THE SPRING FORMAL, AND I’M CALLING TO RUN SOME IDEAS BY YOU… JOHANNA and TERRY appear on another part of the stage.
JOHANNA WE HAVE STREAMERS AND NAPKINS
TERRY AND PLATES—
JOHANNA & TERRY AND THE GIRLS COULD BE EACH OTHER’S DATES! In AMIGO FAMILY COUNSELING. AMIGO gathers the GROUP (except MARIDETH) to apologize.
AMIGO
Thank you all for coming, I wanted to say this personally. HOW TO SAY I’M SORRY? HOW TO OWN THE PART I PLAYED? HOW TO REBUILD TRUST?
I know it’s going to take time.
SORRY FOR THE MESS I MADE.
I hope you can forgive me. The article has been taken down, but I shouldn’t have done it.
REMY
Or maybe you could have included us. If it was going to be about us.
AMIGO
Well, I was supposed to have a follow-up with Shauna Parks later this week. What if you do the interview instead?
REMY
An interview? I’ve never done one of those before.
AMIGO
No pressure.
REMY
It could be good promotion for my channel…
DREW, AMIGO, REMY, MEL, and TOMMY exit to make preparations for the dance.
CAROLINE approaches JESSICA.
CAROLINE
I’m sorry, Jess, I haven’t been showing up in our friendship.
JESSICA
And I’m sorry for saying your boyfriend sucks.
CAROLINE
He does suck. That’s why I broke up with him. So…
JESSICA, LET’S DO OUR MAKEUP LIKE DRAGONS.
JESSICA
DON’T GET ME STARTED ON DRAGONS! EXCEPT WHICH KIND?
I LIKE THE ONES THAT BREATHE FIRE—
CAROLINE
LIKE GOLD AND RED GLITTER?
JESSICA
YOU READ MY MIND!
And look, we already match!
CAROLINE and JESSICA’s pink formal dresses are revealed.
CAROLINE & JESSICA
THINK PINK!
The GROUP (except MARIDETH) redresses the stage, transforming the Center into a magical wonderland. JESSICA and CAROLINE unroll a red carpet. DREW hangs festive lights. TOMMY hangs streamers and decorations. MEL sets up a DJ station. REMY puts together a photo booth with costumes.
ALL
SHA-LA-LA, SHA-LA-LA-LA, SHA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA…
In another part of the stage, in MARIDETH’S BEDROOM.
#22A—Unlikely Animals (Reprise)
So… Drew’s mom just called. Drew organized a second dance for tonight. For those who couldn’t make it to the first one. It’s at the Center. I think you should go.
MARIDETH
I wanna stay at home. Be on the computer.
MICHAEL
Marideth, I want you to go.
I don’t have a date.
MARIDETH
MICHAEL
You don’t need a date. Look, when you were young, I wasn’t sure what life would look like for you. Then your mom passed, and we both kinda hid from the world. I kind of assumed it would be me and you living here forever… But—I see now—you can have a community and a family—if you want. So I’m putting my foot down. You will leave your room and participate. Because you cannot learn everything about life from a screen.
MARIDETH
Every fact is on the Internet. Fact.
MICHAEL
Not all of life is about facts.
Michael
MICHAEL
I’m not a very social person.
MARIDETH
MICHAEL
I get it, Marideth.
I’M NOT SO SOCIAL EITHER. I’M NOT LIKE YOUR MOTHER, WHO WAS GREAT AROUND PEOPLE. BUT I WOULD NOT HAVE MET YOUR MOTHER ALWAYS STAYING COOPED UP INSIDE. We met at a party. Fact. I hated the party… but I met your mom there. AND YES, IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT ALSO IT WAS WORTH IT, AND IT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY IF YOU TRIED.
MARIDETH
It’s a formal. I don’t have a dress.
MICHAEL reveals the zipperless dress hidden in her closet.
MICHAEL
I went back and got this one. You hated it least. No zippers.
MARIDETH
Can I be alone? Please?
MICHAEL leaves her alone. MARIDETH studies the dress like it could be dangerous. Then, she holds the dress up and looks in the mirror. She doesn’t hate it so much anymore.
AMIGO FAMILY COUNSELING
#22B—Building Momentum (Reprise)
The GROUP walks down the red carpet, posing for pictures as they get to the end. DREW wears a more casual version of his navy suit, CAROLINE and JESSICA are ravishing in pink, TOMMY looks cool in a tuxedo t-shirt, MEL rocks formal Doc Martens, and REMY is dressed as the Phantom of the Opera.
DREW (repeating)
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.
JESSICA & CAROLINE
(repeating)
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.
TOMMY (repeating)
ONE AND A TWO AND A THREE AND A FOUR AND A FIVE AND A SIX AND A SEVEN AND AN EIGHT.
MEL (repeating)
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.
REMY (repeating)
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!
GROUP
ALL
WE ALL DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE, SO WELCOME TO THE SECOND CHANCE DANCE!
Group
#23—Finale
(ALL)
THERE’S PIZZA! NINTENDO! EXCITEMENT GROWING IN CRESCENDO!
BUILDING MOMENTUM,
MEL, REMY, & JESSICA THE VERY BEGINNING.
ALL
BUILDING MOMENTUM, TOMMY, DREW, & CAROLINE THE ENERGY SPINNING.
ALL
FACING THE FEARS THAT HAVE KEPT ME ALONE HAS FILLED ME WITH CONFIDENCE I’VE NEVER KNOWN. AND THE REASON WE’VE GROWN?
DREW
BUILDING MOMENTUM!
BUILDING MOMENTUM!
JESSICA
MEL & TOMMY BUILDING MOMENTUM!
CAROLINE BUILDING MOMENTUM!
REMY BUILDING MOMENTUM!
ALL
BUILDING MOMENTUM
BUILDING MOMENTUM!
Enjoy the party, everyone!
DREW
AMIGO moves to REMY, styled as the Phantom of the Opera.
Wow, Remy, you look terrific.
AMIGO
REMY
I’m not Remy tonight, I’m the Phantom of the Opera. Fashionably late, MARIDETH walks down the red carpet shyly. MICHAEL, looking handsome in an old suit, asks JOHANNA to take a picture of him and MARIDETH.
GROUP 1
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR
DREW nervously approaches AMIGO.
She’s here.
You feel ready to dance, Drew?
DREW
AMIGO
DREW No.
AMIGO
GROUP 2
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX... ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX...
You going to anyway?
DREW Yes.
MEL interrupts.
Drew, everyone’s here.
MEL
DREW
Okay. I just need a minute to gather my thoughts before I make my announcement. DREW leaves to prepare himself.
ASHLEY arrives.
AMIGO
I didn’t think you were going to come, since you haven’t been home or returned my calls.
ASHLEY
I’m staying with a friend. Until I can get my own place.
AMIGO
You don’t have to do that.
ASHLEY
Actually, I do.
AMIGO
I want to apologize—
ASHLEY
Well, I want to enjoy the Formal, so we can talk later. And I’m officially retired as a dancer. I need you to respect that.
AMIGO
I will.
ASHLEY
I’M GONNA BE OKAY. THOUGH THE ODDS ARE GOOD I’LL FALL APART, VICTORY IS ONLY A POSSIBILITY IF YOU TAKE A RISK AND START. You taught me that. Do you want some punch?
AMIGO
I’d love some.
ASHLEY goes to the punch bowl.
MEL (to AMIGO)
You should really hire her back. With a raise.
ASHLEY
(calling from across the room)
I’d be open to that!
DREW carefully stands on a stool and gets everyone’s attention.
DREW
Esteemed guests! Thank you all for attending the “Second Chance Dance.”
WE ALL MADE A LIST A WHILE AGO ABOUT WHAT MAKES THE PERFECT KING OR QUEEN: THEY ARE HONEST, THEY ARE HUMBLE, THEY ARE SOCIALLY COURAGEOUS. THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH HARD TIMES—
Like being sent to the guillotine!
CAROLINE
DREW
Thank you, Caroline.
EXCEPT THAT LIST WE MADE DESCRIBES EACH PERSON WHO’S HERE. YOU ALL SHOW COURAGE EVERY DAY THAT YOU LIVE. AND ALSO LIKE MEL SAID, A KING AND A QUEEN IS— What did you call it, Mel?
MEL
Heteronormative.
DREW
But one of us was emphatically nominated by a friend, because they recently gave that friend a big second chance. So, our Inter-dimensional Second Chance Superhero is…
Everyone does a drumroll.
Jessica Sullivan!
DREW
JESSICA freaks out. She is crying and hugging everyone.
JESSICA
Thank you so much! Thank you! Oh thank you!
DREW reveals—in lieu of a crown—a hero’s sword. JESSICA holds the sword triumphantly in the air.
(JESSICA)
Oh my god, that’s beautiful!!!
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THIS HONOR! I AM TOTALLY FLOORED. TOMMY, CAN WE FINALLY DANCE NOW?
TOMMY
Yes!
JESSICA
CAROLINE, HOLD MY SWORD!
ASHLEY
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!
JESSICA finally dances with TOMMY. The whole GROUP joins in, even MARIDETH. They’re having a great time. Their parents dance too. It’s a huge victory for everyone.
ALL
SHA-LA-LA, SHA-LA-LA-LA, SHA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA…
Woo!
SHA-LA-LA, SHA-LA-LA-LA, SHA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA… MICHAEL approaches AMIGO.
MICHAEL
I never thought I’d see her doing any of the things she’s done tonight. Thanks for doing this. You did a great job.
AMIGO
I didn’t. They did.
AMIGO and the other PARENTS move upstage, letting the GROUP own the stage. DREW approaches MARIDETH as a slow song starts.
DREW
Hi, Marideth. Would you like to dance with me?
MARIDETH
My shoe lace is untied.
DREW
May I?
MARIDETH nods. DREW crouches down and ties MARIDETH’s shoe lace for her.
Can we dance now?
DREW
MARIDETH
Yes.
DREW takes a step closer to her, and immediately steps on MARIDETH’s foot.
Sorry!
DREW
MARIDETH
You have more bones in your feet than in the rest of your body combined. Fact.
DREW
I like that you know a lot of facts. I think you’re really smart.
MARIDETH
THE FORMAL IS A PAST-TIME, OUT-DATED AND POINTLESS, THAT FOR SOME REASON STILL HAPPENS.
DREW
Oh.
MARIDETH
IT USED TO BE A SOCIAL FUNCTION GEARED AT HELPING YOUNG WOMEN WED.
DREW
See, I didn’t know that.
MARIDETH
SO, HOW WAS I TO KNOW IT WOULD TURN OUT TO BE, FACTUALLY,
THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE INSTEAD?
DREW and MARIDETH step closer to each other tentatively.
DREW
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX…
DREW takes her hand. He pulls her a little closer, ready to take the next step: the first step.
Curtain.
#24—Bows Music
#25—Exit Music
