FEET
APRIL 4, 2023
Ike Bigbutts
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Manhattan College Awarded Best Butts in the Nation
And I Cannot Lie Walking uphill both ways to and from campus, it is no wonder Manhattan College students have been awarded the best butts in the nation. With eight-flight stairs separated them from the subway and hills that put student athletes to shame, students truly have earned this title. The award was given by The Big Butts Society of America where stars like Beyonce and Kim Kardashian scour the nation for the most rumptacular behinds of them all. The school that wins this award will receive a $50,000 grant for a student of their choice to receive a Brazilian Butt Lift or BBL, to enhance the already existing beauty. All MC students are fiending for this opportunity of a lifetime. President O’Dooble met with Kim Kardashian to receive the award and the grant. “I do not like what this stands for nor do I like how
crude the language used on plague,” O’Dooble said. “However, I am happy for our school to receive any kind of attention and money.” O’Dooble went on to explain that he tried to ignore The Big Butts Society of America’s emails, but they ultimately showed up to his office, where he was forced to accept the award. “I never said I tried to ignore their emails,” O’Dooblel said. “I just didn’t want people getting the wrong idea about our school.” The award has been a great opportunity for students and faculty who have gained high levels of attention following the announcement of the award and Kardashian’s tweet of the school using the hashtag #mcbigbutts on her post. “I know how like important recognition of like a big butt can be for young girls,” Kardashian said. “It was like life changing for me and I only hope that like the young girls of this college
can have the same experiences I have.” She went on to say that no girl should ever have to work, instead they should utilize their best asset, their ass. “If girls these days would just get up and work their butts then they wouldn’t be so poor,” Kardashian said. “That’s a real fact.” In the wake of the announcement The Riverdale Historical Conservation Society has decreed the 238th Stairway, referred to by locals as ‘The Stairway to Hell,’ a historic site. There will be a plague at the base of the stairs. The Riverdale Historical Conservation Society chairperson Riverdale McChairperson explains that the award has not just been good for the college but for the surrounding community. “Tourists are flocking to this peaceful neighborhood just to work out,” McChairperson said. “Gold’s Gym and Planet Fitness keep reaching out to sponsor different hills
and trademark other staircases in the area.” With #mcbigbutts still the number one trending hashtag on twitter for a week running, there is no certainly what the future will hold for the college. “I am hoping we will see an increase in student registration
and enrollment for the 2023 semester,” O’Dooble said. “For now, we are doing our best to foster a better environment for the students and their butts with better padded seats and mandatory walks every 15 minutes of class time.”
MC Showcases Rising Stars During International Men’s Day Man Manford Certified Man
Manhattan College celebrated its sixth annual international men’s day on April 1. The day consisted of various events and activities ranging from golf to a cargo pants fashion show. Kyle Bradworth, president of the white boy committee was very excited to plan all the fun festivities. He was able to come up with the dance, party idea and the balloon fight. Bradworth originally wanted to have a spa day, but the budget wouldn’t let him do that. “You know, man, I really just like vineyard vines and golfing and not saying excuse me whenever I do something rude,” said Bradworth. “And I know all the dudes at school wanna be appreciated so I was like ‘what if I made an event that celebrated men’ you know, cuz we’re all just so over worked and under appreciated. At the end of the day, I just wanna be loved, and who can love me more than my Homies? No one. That’s the truth.” Over 100 people came to
participate for the international day of men’s bake off. Chad Smith who won first place was able to talk to The Triangle about his rhubarb pies. “Yeah I mean this was my Nana’s recipe and I just wanted to make her proud,” said Smith. “She was the coolest. Not gonna lie, Nana was kind of a fox back in her day. ” Bradworth then interrupted Smith to talk about the dangers of misandry. Bradworth claims that women are creating a new pandemic and it’s important to get to the bottom of the issue by running away. “Women are crazy,” said Bradworth. “They’re all crazy. They check in on you, and care for you and do all they can for you but at the end of the day women are just batpoop insane.” Tyler Mannes hosted a talk on The Quad titled “You went through my phone?!” The talk consisted of ways to distract women from their original argument with a counter argument on something irrelevant to the original issue. “Let’s say you’ve been texting your ex, and now your current girlfriend found out.” Said Mannes. “You’re screwed. But,
in order for her to apologize and for you to stay in the clear, you just have to cry and talk about trust, and the respect for privacy. Once you’ve made a scene, she’ll completely forget that you still talk to your ex.” MC’s society of men and the white boy committee encourage other men to partic-
ipate in the festivities for the upcoming years. Their similar mission statements highlight the importance of male unity. They claim that without men then nothing is possible. The two organizations hope to have a bouncy castle next year. The day ended with a glori-
ous dance party that only consisted of Ice Spice songs. The choice of music was a unanimous vote. “Yea I mean that boy is a liar, he’s my homie and I’ll always stick up for him.” Said Manness in regards to the song, Boy’s a liar Pt. 2. “What are you gonna do about it?”