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SPEED BUMP Abie gets pulled over going 110 MPH on a side street. Sitting in court, he watches as people go up to get their sentence. One after the other, the judge pounds them with three-month or six-month suspensions. Finally it comes Abie`s turn. Realizing that he is in trouble, he steps up to the front of the room and right away tells the judge, “Judge, I have nothing to say. I was wrong.” The judge is impressed that Abie feels sorry and replies, “Abie, you may go with a 30day suspension.” As Abie is turning to leave, he asks the judge for a favor. “But how am I going to get home?” he asks. “Can you please hold off the suspension until I drive home?” “And how long will it take you to get home?” retorts the judge. Without blinking an eye, Abie replies, “Your honor, if I drive 110 MPH, I can get there in 10 minutes.” Jack Sasson, Danny Moses, & Zatar TRAFFIC Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Tutu Mulu

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ONE SHOE A tourist was driving down a country road in Kentucky when he saw a little boy walking down the road with only one shoe on. He stopped and said, “What’s the matter, son? Did you lose a shoe?” The boy says, “Nope! Just found one.” Sammy Lalehfar

MECHANICALLY MINDED I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. A car nut, he told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair. At the shop, I proudly recited, “The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves.” As I smugly glanced over the mechanic’s shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard: “Lady says it makes a funny noise.” Frieda Mizrahi SAFE TRAVELS If flying is so safe, then why do they call the airport, the “terminal”? Jack V. Grazi

FOREIGN EXCHANGE Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an American university and was living in the dormitory with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. “And how do you find the American students, Donald?” she asked. “Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.” “Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy neighbors?” “Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.” Y.D. TAKING THE REDEYE I stumbled onto the redeye flight and, as tired as I was, had to smile when the captain announced, “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to flight 1492 to, believe it or not, Columbus.” Steve Sutton

ASKING DIRECTIONS A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. “Don’t know,” the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them. “This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.” Linda Dayan BAD NEWS A cute little powerboat was sadly overshadowed by the sleek sailing craft that had moored next to them. It was named Bad News, and they asked the Captain how he came up with that name. “I love to race my sailboat,” he said. “And everyone knows bad news travels fast.” R. E

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