The Wedding Issue
awariapp.com
By Esther Sorkpor Content Writer
E
very milestone, achievement, and experience is a pebble that lines your life’s path. Success is measured by lessons learned and memories shared along the way. For Nigerian parents, however, this journey is marked by one’s marriageability.
“PICK ME” lostinlagosPlus
I grew up in a family where ambition was applauded and supported. It was important to prioritise excellence in all of our endeavours as we all were a part of a picture larger than ourselves. However, as I grew older, I learned that it was all a ruse. From the moment I sprouted from the ground to when my petals bloomed, I have been a flower groomed for picking. My achievements are only validated by a change in marital status from single to married. It shows up in subtle ways, such as family devotions where my mother would never fail to add, “Let us pray for [insert single family member’s name], that God will bless them with a good spouse.” Or when my parents would joke about reimbursement of my educational fees through my bride price. But there are less subtle ways in which marriage is prioritised, ways that cut deeper. There are the aunties who openly berate you at family gatherings for “wasting time,” even as their whispers suggest that your standards are “too high.” Some friends suddenly look at you with pity once they’ve had their introductions, as though your singleness is a problem to be solved. And there’s the ever-constant barrage of societal messages that equate a woman’s
worth with her ability to secure and maintain a husband. For women, the pressure is suffocating. Men may be mildly encouraged to “settle down” after their careers take shape, but for women, mid-twenties is the countdown. A man in his thirties is “taking his time,” but a woman in the same bracket is accused of “focusing on the wrong things.” By metrics unbeknownst to me, this is when one’s life experiences are deemed “ripe for marriage,” regardless of financial or emotional standing. Families enforce rigid spousal requirements—hailing from the right tribe, professing the right religion, and having character traits that fit cultural ideals. For others, even being in a relationship isn’t enough; you must be ready to get married on their timeline. God help you if you have unorthodox views—if you don’t want to marry at all, or if you’re queer. It is not enough to get married; you must stay married. You must know how to keep your husband from straying like a homeless child. Women are told to endure difficult marriages. A single woman is seen as a colossal failure. A societal ill. The performance for marriage never ends. But what happens if we decide to break the stage? The last time my mum raised my cousin’s name in prayers for a husband, my mouth became a muted microphone, lips syncing Amens without a sound. Scowl lines creased my forehead as I wondered what it would be like when it was my turn. 28