Close But Not Too Close

Close—But Not Too Close Helping a Loved One Struggling With a Life-Controlling Issue

By Jimmy Ray Lee, D.Min. Communications should be addressed to: Turning Point Ministries, Inc. P. O. Box 22127 Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127 Web site: www.LivingFree.com Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. Copyright© 1972, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. ©Turning Point, 2005. All rights reserved. No part of the material protected by this copyright notice may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the Turning Point Ministries.

ISBN 1-58119-065-4

About the Author

Produced by

Cover Design and Layout: Louise Lee Cover Photo: Comstock, Inc.

Dr. Jimmy Ray Lee is the founder and president of Turning Point Ministries, Inc. He is the author of Understanding the Times and several small group studies published by Turning Point Ministries. Under the direction and guidance of Dr. Lee, Turning Point produced Living Free—a high impact, video-based training. This training helps churches develop Christ-centered small groups that deal with the contemporary problems people face today.

Dr. Lee is the founder and honorary chairman of Project 714 (now known as STARS), a chemical prevention/intervention program for schools. He also founded an innercity ministry called Ark Ministries that reached 600 to 700 young people weekly. He started the Chattanooga Teen Challenge and served as its president for three years. Jimmy served as the executive director of the Nashville Teen Challenge during its formative years.

Jimmy has served as pastor, area youth director, and hospital chaplain. He has received a Master of Divinity and Doctor of Ministry from Luther Rice Seminary.

Contents

Chapter 1

There Is Hope . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

Chapter 2

There Is Comfort . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4

Chapter 3

Understanding Relationship Addictions . . . 7

Chapter 4

Getting Out of God’s Way . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12

Chapter 5

Breaking Down the Walls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16

Chapter 6

Steps to Helping Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19

Chapter 7

Moving Beyond Guilt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

Chapter 8

Steps to Helping Your Loved One . . . . . . . 25

Chapter 9

The Prodigal Returns Home . . . . . . . . . . . . 29

Chapter 10

Where Do We Go From Here? . . . . . . . . . . 31

1

Chapter 1 There Is Hope This booklet is written primarily for those who want to help someone close to them who is enslaved by the stronghold of a life-controlling issue. Also, it is designed to help someone who is suffering the consequences of a loved one’s problem.

When a spouse, child, parent, or loved one is living in the grasp of a life-controlling problem (such as addictions, destructive behaviors, or even certain types of relationships), the effects of that addiction or dependency will spill over into the lives that surround them. Some of us, if not all of us, have known the frustration of loving a person we could not control or fix.

Dealing with the consequences of a loved one’s (family member’s) problem is doubly difficult—not only is it painful, but added to the pain is also the pressure created by our inability to take charge and make things right. This kind of pressure leads to overload. When a electrical circuit is overloaded, it will burn out, create a hazard, blow a fuse, or start a fire.

Circuits are not human beings, but these pictures can help us better understand what overload can do to us. We can burn out, be unable to function, be a danger to ourselves and to others, do damage to our bodies (affect our health), and more. It is important to recognize the danger of living in a state of overload. We may be tempted to “hold in” the pressures, the stress, and the pain; but if we do, the overload eventually does some real harm in our lives.

2

The feelings of pressure are very real and can seem overwhelming, but never believe the lie that your situation is hopeless. In the middle of that frustration, tension, and pressure, you need to believe there is hope. I am not talking about the kind of hope that halfheartedly says, “I hope things start looking up,” or “We can only hope for the best.”

The kind of hope we are talking about can best be described as confident expectation of something good. It is hope based on our knowledge of God and of His willingness to meet us right where we are. He is ready to work in us and in our difficult circumstances.

This attitude of confident expectation is also built on the reality of the process of healing set in motion in your own life. Jeremiah 29:11 will serve as the foundation for this booklet: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Because God is in charge, He has a plan for you—a plan for your good. His plan will not harm you. He wants you to have hope and look confidently toward the future.

3

Chapter 2 There Is Comfort Every day is a struggle with very sensitive and emotional issues for the person caught in a life-controlling issue and for the person helping a loved one with a life-controlling issue. But no one has to feel alone in the struggle. Paul writes from personal experience in 2 Corinthians 1:3-8 and says that God “comforts us in all our troubles” (v4).

The Greek word for comfort is paraklesis. It combines the ideas of relief, consolation, and soothing. It is made up of two words: para meaning beside and kaleo meaning to call. To the Christian who is suffering, these verses describe a loving Comforter who stands at our side ready to minister to our needs.

Think about the word comfort. What are some of the images it brings to mind in our everyday lives? We call a certain kind of warm, fluffy blanket a “comforter.” We talk about “comfort” foods—the kind our mothers used to make when we were sick as children. What kinds of practical ways have you experienced comfort from another person? It can be as simple as a bandage on a hurt knee. In an adult crisis time we are comforted by praying friends, medical professionals, or acts of kindness. We need other people in our lives, and we need to be comforters to others.

We have talked about comfort received from other people. Think about how God’s comfort would be different from the comfort we received from other human beings. God, the “God of all comfort” (v3), knows our deepest needs and can meet them. He is not limited by human understanding. He never sleeps; He is always available.

4

Along with being the “God of all comfort,” we find another name for God: the “Father of compassion.” The dictionary has a very specific definition of what the word compassion implies. It says that compassion is a sympathetic consciousness of the distress of others along with a desire to alleviate it. In other words, not only does God have a sympathetic understanding of what we are going through, but He also wants to ease our burden and free us up from the load we carry.

We read in 2 Corinthians 1:4 that the God of all comfort comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. In this life, we cannot always find the answer to the question “Why?” Why is God allowing this pain in my life? Why did He let this happen in my family? Those kinds of “why” questions are difficult to answer.

But here we find the beginning of an answer. God lets us go through the tough times and experience His comfort so that we will be able to comfort others. We live in a world full of hurting people, and God’s comfort toward us makes it possible for us to reach out to that hurting world. Our own suffering gives us the “credentials” to be heard by those who are suffering. Beyond just commiserating with their troubles, we can share the truth of God’s comfort from our own experience. This idea of experiencing God’s comfort and then sharing it with others is really at the heart of what God wants to accomplish in our lives. First, however, we must appropriate God’s comfort for ourselves personally. That is part of the process of building into our lives the strength we need to deal with painful circumstances. Out of that comfort and strength, we can then reach out to the people we care about.

5

God gives the comfort we need to deal with difficult times. Notice in 2 Corinthians 1:5 that when our troubles increase or “overflow,” our comfort increases as we keep following Him. God gives us the strength we need to endure as He works things out in the lives of our loved ones. Always be aware of your ability to comfort someone with God’s love and to be a a conduit of God’s grace. Through this, you will find comfort.

6

Chapter 3 Understanding Relationship Addictions Following is a list of several types of relationship addictions with which you should be familiar.

Emotionally Dependent Relationship This is a relationship in which you are so attached to another person that you are controlled by that person’s moods to the point of being overwhelmed.

Physically Dependent Relationship This is a relationship in which you are physically dependent upon another person, especially in the area of physical attraction. You become obsessed with spending time with them.

Spiritually Dependent Relationship This is a relationship in which you have no spiritual identity or relationship with God apart from your relationship with another person.

You depend on this other person to define your walk with God. Codependent Relationship This is a relationship in which another person’s misbehavior is affecting your sense of well-being and you become obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.

The area of codependent relationships is what we will focus on in this chapter because this can be a very real danger for those who are deeply concerned about another person’s life-controlling problem. We want to be close—but not too close! Codependency is a fairly new term, but the behaviors it describes have been in existence nearly as 7

long as men and women have walked the earth. It is used to refer to a person’s behavior when they are addicted to another person. It may be a fad right now to talk about codependency, but even so, it is the best word we have to describe this sort of imbalanced relationship.

Think about whether you have seen any of the following indications of a problem with codependency in your own life or anyone else’s.

If we become obsessed with controlling someone else’s behavior, we have a problem called codependency. Codependency is a popular word used to describe a person’s behavior when they are addicted to another person. The codependent person is just as dependent on the loved one as the loved one is dependent on their substance or behavior.

Codependents take ownership of another person’s problems, get their sense of well-being from managing the behavior of the dependent person, and end up being controlled by the person they are trying to help.

They center their lives on the person they are trying to help; and as a result, they exchange the truth of God for a lie, worshipping and serving a created person rather than God the Creator (see Romans 1:25).

Codependency is sinful because the person becomes mastered by a loved one’s problem or becomes a loved one’s master (playing God).

When a personal value system is compromised and unacceptable behavior is tolerated, the codependent person becomes trapped in the role of victim.

Generally, people are not aware that they are enabling and becoming codependent. They are trying to do the right thing, but too often they

8

feel guilty because their efforts are not good enough to make the person they love change. Seeing that their efforts have not cured the person, they think that if they try harder, they can control the person with the life-controlling problem. The misbelief that they can “fix� other people leads to a painful cycle of failure and loss of self-worth.

Children are especially vulnerable to this distorted, guilt-ridden thinking. Codependent people can also feel guilty because they believe they did something to cause their loved one to go out of control.

Codependents and enablers live in a pain-filled world of shame and fear and often suffer emotional stress that may result in health problems. To cope with this pain, they sometimes make poor decisions that lead to personal addictions of their own or other harmful behaviors such as extramarital affairs. They may even lose faith in God. The one they love cannot give them support, so they lose trust and shut down their feelings. Because they are hiding the problem, they cannot talk to anyone.

Christians can be unusually susceptible to codependency. When attempting to love others as Christ has commanded us, we sometimes slip into enabling behaviors that lead to codependent relationships.

According to the Apostle Paul, the body of Christ should be interdependent (see Romans 12:7-16 and 1 Corinthians 12:12-27). We need to avoid the extremes of selfish independence and codependence.

If you saw yourself in any of those unhealthy behaviors or if you feel you might be in danger of sliding into any of them, then you need to begin the process of moving toward a healthier relationship with your loved one.

9

The simplest definition of codependency is “to be dependent along with.” That does not mean that we necessarily use the same substances or participate in the same kinds of behaviors. What it does imply is the idea of being so deeply drawn into another person’s lifecontrolling problem that it becomes our problem as well. The result is that we are filled with guilt and blame and other downgrading thoughts. But that is not who we are. Our significance is in Christ, and in Him is where we find freedom and confidence. Learning to “live out” the reality of who we are in Christ begins with making a choice: Whom will we honor? Then after that choice is made, we will have to practice putting that reality to work in our lives.

Another way to explain the problem of codependency is to talk about a lack of balance. God does not want us to be codependent and center our lives around our loved one’s problems, but neither should we be independent and concerned only with ourselves. The healthy balance is to be interdependent. Christ is the key to finding a healthy balance in our relationships. We can keep our balance by making Christ and His will central, by loving others, and by caring about them. Be concerned about what is happening in their lives; but rather than entwining your life with their life-controlling problem, serve Christ and focus on Him. To give you a really graphic picture of what codependency can do to a life, let me use an example that compares codependency with seasickness. If you have ever been seasick, then the image will have a powerful impact. Many people get seasick not only because they are moving around as well as up and down, but the primary reason they also get seasick is the lack of a stationary object to focus on. The 10

horizon moves up and down, and the water keeps moving too. That causes the balance mechanism to get so overloaded that the results can be quite unpleasant. The key is in the word focus. Are we focused on Christ, or are we trying to focus on the circumstances that keep turning and swirling and changing? Focusing on Him can bring much needed balance to our lives.

When a loved one is trapped in a life-controlling problem, we can be drawn into focusing all our attention and energy on that problem; but the writer to the Hebrews had the answer to the danger of codependency. Hebrews 12:2 encourages us to focus on Jesus, “the author and perfecter of our faith.� When our focus is on Christ, all areas of l i f e are brought into balance, including our relationships with those we care about.

All of us need to look at whether we are helping or harming the struggling people in our lives. Although we cannot change overnight, we can begin the process. We can start by telling our loved ones that we are going to stop harming them by trying to fix the problem or protecting them from their bad choices. Then we must turn our focus to Christ and allow Him to develop proper balance in our life.

11

Chapter 4 Getting Out of God’s Way A few years ago I saw an interesting T-shirt that read, “There are two sure things in life: (1) There is a God. (2) You are not Him.” This Tshirt is good news for a person trying to help a loved one. Often we walk into God’s arena and try to help in ways that hinder rather than help. We call this “enabling.” There is an old adage that says: A person must reach bottom before we can help them. However, when we address enabling behaviors, we can raise the bottom.

When someone we love is in the grip of a harmful substance or behavior, we naturally want to help. In spite of our best intentions, our efforts are sometimes harmful rather than helpful, and we enable that person to continue in the behavior. Enabling is anything that stands in the way of or softens the natural negative consequences of a person’s misbehavior. Enabling allows people to continue in their self-destructive behaviors without feeling the painful consequences that might convince them to stop before the problem spirals out of control. One rescue leads to another and another, and eventually our lives center around rescuing our loved ones. There is often a fine line between helping and getting in God’s way. The first time you bail someone out is mercy. The second time is enabling. It is difficult to stop enabling a loved one because we do not like to admit we have no power to change another person.

An enabler: • Unknowingly helps their dependent loved one to continue their downward spiral of addiction.

• Continues to help even though their assistance is being abused.

12

• Learns to rescue the friend or loved one from their responsibilities.

• Actually prolongs the problem.

Here are some examples of enabling: • Covering up the behavior of the friend or loved one.

• Bailing them out of jail.

• Making excuses for them.

• Minimizing their problem.

• Blaming yourself for their problem.

• Giving them “one more chance” over and over again.

Enabling is “good intentions gone wrong.” An enabler is well-meaning, but enabling can keep the loved one from ever facing the truth about their life-controlling problem. Our behavior may actually be hindering rather than helping the loved one’s recovery.

Unfortunately, enabling can become a habit. Your loved one needs you to support their denial and deceit, and they can make you feel guilty if you try to stop your enabling behavior. They might say, “If you love me, you’ll…” (You fill in the blank.)

So what is our responsibility to our troubled loved one? We are to be supportive. To understand how that works, think about the difference between enabling and supporting.

13

Enabler:

Supporter:

Tries to fix

Shows empathy

Attempts to protect

Encourages

Repeatedly rescues

Permits the person to be responsible for their own actions

Attempts to control

Lovingly confronts with truth

Manipulates

Levels—speaks honestly

Expects the other person to live up to “my” expectations

Expects the other person to be responsible

The most important fact to consider from this chapter is that we are powerless to fix what is wrong in our loved one’s life. But God says to bring our loved one to Him. He wants to work on a one-to-one basis in their life.

There is a beautiful picture of this “letting go” process in the Old Testament record of the life of Moses. When Moses was an infant, there was a decree from Pharaoh that each Hebrew baby boy should be thrown into the Nile. Moses’ mother recognized her powerlessness to save him, so she turned him over to God. She prepared a basket, placed baby Moses in it, and left it among the reeds on the riverbank.

14

As the sister of Moses watched, Pharaoh’s daughter found the baby; and the child was spared. Moses grew up to become a great deliverer of his people because his mother was willing to turn him over to God. The question we need to ask ourselves is: Are we in the way of what God wants to do in our loved one’s life? What would it mean to you to “let go and let God”?

We are all enablers to a certain extent. All of us need to look at whether we are helping or harming the struggling people in our lives.

Although we cannot change overnight, we can begin the process. We can start by telling our loved ones that we are going to stop harming them by trying to fix the problem or protecting them from their bad choices.

15

Chapter 5 Breaking Down the Walls Talking with a friend or loved one with a life-controlling problem is like talking to a wall. Picture a person who is enclosed behind a brick wall and continues to lay brick (or build defenses). When you try to communicate with this person, you may walk away thinking: Who is messed up, he or I? Remember, this person is building a wall around themselves to protect their stronghold. Denial has led the loved one to blindness of their condition.

Effective communication will lessen the defense mechanisms of a person and allow them to hear the truth in a caring way. In other words, we can help our loved one tear down a wall of defenses, brick by brick, until they are able to see themselves as they really are.

In his book, Caring Enough to Confront, author David Augsburger originates the term “care-fronting.� Augsburger introduces carefronting as a communication technique that brings together the positive idea of caring and confronting. The reason confronting has negative connotations is because it is usually done in anger; but when we get rid of the anger and replace it with caring, then confronting our loved one with the truth can actually be the most loving thing we can do.

Care-fronting says to others that you care about them enough to con front them about the issues that are important to you. Your purpose is to gently help them see themselves as they really are. We want to chip away, bit by bit, at the wall of delusion that hides the reality of the downward spiral of their life-controlling problems.

16

Following are some of the practical elements of caring confrontation: Focus on the action, not on the actor. We need to be careful not to criticize or label a person as “bad.” Instead, focus on the behaviors that are causing the problem. When the person tries to use a defense like rationalizing or anger or denial, always bring the discussion back to the behaviors. Our emphasis should be on what the person does rather than any sort of personal attack.

Focus on the facts, not on your personal conclusions. Focus on observations and facts instead of what you think or imagine. Make statements about what you have actually seen and heard and not on any conclusions you personally have drawn.

Focus on descriptions, not on judgments. Your role is not to judge the behaviors as good or bad—the facts speak for themselves. Keep the lines of communication open by never placing a value judgment on the other person’s behavior. By giving descriptions rather than judgments, you put yourself in a neutral role of reporting on what has been seen rather than judging that behavior as right or wrong.

Focus on ideas, information, and alternatives, not on advice or answers. Be careful not to use scare tactics, give pat answers, or even offer specific advice. The other person may resent your insistence on giving help or answers. If your help is sought, point out the options the person has. The options may include continuing on with the problem behavior, getting professional help, joining a support group, and others. When you are providing information and alternatives, the other person feels free to choose a personal course of action rather than coming to depend on you.

17

Focus on what and how, not on why. The question why only serves to raise a person’s defenses and makes it more difficult to penetrate their state of delusion. Instead, talk about observable behaviors that can be described by such worlds as what, how, when, or where. Why may break the communication because it may appear to be questioning their motives. Yes, the motives may be wrong, but their delusion can best be penetrated by facts presented in a non-threatening way by a helper who is depending on the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

In all of our communication efforts to help our loved one, our clear line of communication with God remains most important. 1 John 1:9 shows us how to keep the communication line open: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

18

Chapter 6 Steps to Helping Yourself Making positive decisions and taking corrective steps can be very difficult when helping a person who is influenced by a life-controlling problem. As a helper, not to become a part of the problem is often a challenge. Ecclesiastes 8:9 says, “There is a time when a man lords it over others to his own hurt.”

There are some key points to consider when battling for a loved one’s life.

1. Rid yourself of the messiah complex. Although we may not want to admit it, we want to see help come so much that we take on the role of God. For example: “If something happens to her, it’s my fault,” or “If I had been there that night, I would have spared him the embarrassment.” We simply need to take a deep breath and realize that He is God. Call time-out. “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

2. Prepare for the “put-downs.” You can expect put-downs from your loved one and from Satan. It is important to keep the putdowns from your loved one in perspective. These are often temporary and not lifetime. When in the grasp of a life-controlling problem, a person will often toss put-downs at those they love the most. Although it is difficult, try not to take it personally.

Remember, they are probably blind to their problem and the communication is with the life-controlling problem, not the person you may have known in the past.

19

As for Satan, we need to understand how to deal with him. There are two important things to remember. (1) He is the “accuser of our brothers (and sisters), who accuses them before our God day and night” (Revelation 12:10). With this in mind, we need to be alert to his accusations. (2) He will always look at your faults and remind you often. When you are serving Christ, always remember any voice that puts you down is never from God. Even in correction, the Holy Spirit will convict and lead us to Jesus. The Apostle Paul writes about “the authority the Lord gave us for building you up rather than pulling you down” (2 Corinthians 10:8).

3. Search your heart. Ask the Lord to give you clear thinking and remove any obstacles that may exist between you and Him. Although David was a poor role model for a parent or husband, he is a Bible character that is well-known and respected. To his credit, he was always quick to make things right with his heavenly Father. God gave David quite a compliment when he said, “I have found David . . . a man after my own heart” (Acts 13:22).

Perhaps you have made some poor decisions or used bad judgment as a helper. God is there to help you get on the redemptive track. Join with David’s prayer, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

20

4. Join a support group. As the old saying goes, “I can’t see the forest for the trees.” This is often the case with those who are affected by a loved one’s life-controlling problem. Find a church that has a group that understands your problem, is Christ-centered, and meets regularly. This can become added family during a difficult time in your life. There will be times that this group may see things you cannot see and lovingly support you through this challenge.

5. Remind yourself every day that life is a journey. Each day is just one day in the span of this life. “For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by” (Psalm 90:4). When trying to help a loved one, there are some days, if not many, that it seems hopeless. Live each day focusing on Him, and God will work things out in your life some way or some how. “For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end” (Psalm 48:14).

21

Chapter 7 Moving Beyond Guilt One of the most difficult issues for a parent to work through is realizing late in the parenting process that they have been a failure as a parent. A father who was helping me one day at our home said, “My son has run away from home and has been gone over a year. We continue to check with the police, but they have no clue as to his whereabouts.”

Then he said with a broken voice, “I have been a terrible role model. I am now serving the Lord; however, during my son’s important years, I was not there for him. My home was the bars.”

People who have tremendous guilt due to feelings of failure as a parent often give in to inappropriate behavior by their children. A mother who had a 21-year-old son living in her home told my wife and me that she sometimes permitted her son to abuse her verbally and physically. He was also allowed to drink alcohol in the home, and this was against her values. I asked her why she permitted her son to abuse her and drink in her home, and she said, “He had a difficult time during my divorce, and I don’t want to hurt him anymore!”

This mother had not been the best of mothers as I later learned, but she had committed her life to Christ and was now involved in ministry. Nonetheless, her past still haunted her which caused her to feel guilty as a parent; therefore, she would not uphold her newly established value system. It was apparent the son had lost respect for his mother.

How should this mother respond to her son? I encouraged her to do four things: (1) Have a talk with her son and apologize for her past 22

mistakes as a mother, (2) tell him she loves him too much to permit him to continue his disrespectful attitude and unconcern for her standards in the home, (3) tell him she will always love and pray for him, and (4) tell him she is going to hold him responsible for his actions as God holds her responsible. Along with this information, I encouraged her to be consistent and do all she could to keep the lines of communication open, even if he left home.

Some mothers prepare their teenage daughters for premarital sexual activities by helping them with birth control plans. They may feel guilty asking their teenage daughter to abstain from sex outside of marriage, especially if they did not. By their own drinking habits, some fathers prepare their sons for their first drink; or by making sexually explicit materials available, they prepare them for premarital sexual encounters. Whether coming from guilt or not, this line of thinking contributes to an addictive society. Because parents have broken the rules does not mean that children must follow the same pattern. As long as you are supporting a child, whether they are living in your home, in a dorm room, or in an apartment, stand firm and hold that child accountable for their actions.

After asking the Lord to search your heart, be proactive with guilt. For those who have received Christ as Lord and Savior, “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus� (Romans 8:1). Notice the word now. That means at this moment in time. Remember the truth of this verse.

There may be times when there is a guilty feeling for no understandable reason. It may seem as if guilt is floating in the air surrounding you. That 23

kind of guilt is not of God; refuse to listen to that voice. Stand on the promise of Romans 8:1 and practice speaking that truth to yourself.

The goal is to place the person in God’s hands and allow Him to work with our loved one on His timeframe. We cannot manipulate or demand that a person change—only Jesus can change a heart. As helpers, there are three things we can do to help struggling people: (1) direct them to focus on Jesus, (2) model honesty for them, and (3) hold them responsible for their own choices.

The Apostle Paul writes, “I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow” (1 Corinthians 3:6). It is good to know that although we can create an environment for change, it is ultimately God who makes the change in a person’s life.

24

Chapter 8 Steps to Helping Your Loved One Although we touched on enabling in Chapter 4, it is important to understand enabling as it relates to codependency. An effective helper must be aware of enabling and codependency issues lest they become a part of the problem. It is difficult to stop enabling a loved one because we do not like to admit we have no power to change another person. We must come to this realization, however, in order to help a person with a life-controlling problem.

We need to be aware of the three C’s: We did not cause our loved one’s problem.

We cannot control our loved one’s problem.

We cannot cure our loved one’s problem.

First, we need to understand that we did not cause our loved one’s problem. They are responsible for the choices that have led to addiction no matter what the circumstances may be.

Second, we need to understand that we cannot control our loved one’s dependency. Trying to control them through manipulation, domination, and guilt only leads to a greater loss of energy. We cannot fix our loved one—only God can do that. Accepting this fact of powerlessness is the first step toward recovery for you as a helper.

Third, we need to understand that we cannot cure our loved one. We can cast our anxiety on the Lord (see 1 Peter 5:7) and be encouraged that we are not responsible for our loved one’s cure.

25

Following are some practical steps we can take to help our loved one, as we look at relinquishing the three C’s to God’s control.

1. Give up ownership of your loved one. This does not mean you do not care or will not continue to pray but that you will chose not to own their issues. Galatians 6:3 says we are to carry each others burdens, but verse 5 says each one should carry their own load. Do not take away their personal responsibility. Some examples of ownership and associated behaviors are as follows: • Takes ownership of another person’s problem.

• Attempts to control their loved one’s behavioral practice or substance use.

• Feels an overwhelming sense of responsibility for their loved one’s addiction.

• May blame themselves for the problem.

• Often serves in the role of communicator for their loved one to others—may become very good at vagueness and manipulation in communication.

• Tries to fix things, problems, and people. The loved one’s problem becomes “our” problem.

• Has often experienced embarrassment because of a loved one’s behavior.

• Keeps quiet about the problem.

• Works and plans around the problem behaviors.

• May arrange social activities to protect the loved one from temptation.

• Often rescues loved one from the consequences of their behavior.

26

• Takes on the role of a martyr.

• Becomes mastered by the friend or family member instead of God. • Allows all areas of life to revolve around serving the needs of the other person.

• May betray their own value system to help the loved one.

2. Take steps to remove yourself from the dysfunctional control your loved one has over you. This does not mean leaving your loved one or neglecting them. This means your life will not be built around their dysfunctional lifestyle. Your life, walk with God, church attendance, employment performance, school attendance, etc., will not be controlled by them.

3. Make sure God is the center of your life. Keep an active prayer life along with fellowship in a Bible-believing church. Do not betray your value system to accommodate their needs.

4. Find and participate in a Christ-centered support group where you can receive love and friendship during this difficult time. If you cannot find a support group, talk to your pastor about starting such a group. See Chapter 10 for more information.

5. Keep the communication lines open (cards, notes, letters, calls) to let the person know you are there to help them find appropriate help. However, your loved one must make the decision to change. The burden of proof for change must be on your loved one.

27

The best way we can help our loved one is to take the steps necessary to get and keep our own life on the right path, model God’s unconditional love, and commit into God’s care the person about whom we are concerned. This allows them to feel personal responsibility for their choices. Facing the consequences of their actions and seeing you model God’s love will help them learn to build a healthy relationship with God, themselves, and others. In the next chapter we will read about a father who followed this course of action with his youngest son.

28

Chapter 9 The Prodigal Returns Home As you have read this booklet, you have probably thought about your loved one and how they have wasted their life or at least are living far below freedom in Christ. We can learn much from the story about the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) and the response of his caring father.

The prodigal son was not only wasteful, but with his unwise and reckless spending, he also had no thought for tomorrow. This is a typical sign of one whose life is out of control. He took his part of the inheritance and was immediately ready to party. He went on a journey—a journey that led to a life-controlling problem. The journey greeted him with delusion, then led to stages of ungodliness, and ended with isolation from both God and friends.

His life became a waste. He was in a distant country far from his father. He had spent everything, and his so-called friends were gone.

He was in need, so much so that he ate with the pigs. He was feeling the consequences of the choices that had led him to this terrible mess.

“He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything” (v16). In other words, no one was there to pull him from his self-induced mess or to rescue him. Having to suffer the consequences of his actions was a way for God to get his attention. The scripture says, “A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (Proverbs 19:19).

29

It is difficult for a helper to let a loved one suffer the consequences of his actions, but that is an important principle if a change is to be made from a reckless to a fruitful life. As the prodigal son reflected on his home life and the abundance of food even for the hired help, he came “to his senses” (v17) and broke out of delusion.

He became proactive, set out to go back to his father, and confessed his sin toward his father and heaven. He took responsibility for his sinful actions and corrected his relationship both horizontally and vertically. He showed humility which is a true sign of change. People often need loving support as they return to the father.

The father played a wonderful role in helping his son. There is no record that he tried to rescue his son or even hand food to him in the “hog pen.” He had learned to release his son to his heavenly Father’s protection and guidance. However, because prayer had kept his faith and hope alive, he was watching for his return. The father showed compassion: “He ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” (v20).

This reunion was cause for celebration. The father called for a feast because “this son of mine was dead and is alive again” (v24). There are two signs in this story that show the son was set free: (1) He did not care who knew his story, and (2) he became a giver, not a taker.

Do you have a loved one in the hog pen? If you do, please remember that Jesus knows the state of your loved one and He is Lord over the hog pen. Love the person, keep the communication line open, and show compassion, but allow them to be responsible for their actions as God helps them come to their senses and see clearly His plan for their life.

30

Chapter 10 Where Do We Go From Here?

We hope your reading of this booklet has created a desire to explore the possibilities for a healing experience that includes a small group.

The Word of God, which is the truth of God, and the Spirit of God who empowers us to grasp the truth both provide much power and healing in our lives. Our hope and prayer is that you have found lifequickening truths as a result of reading this booklet. Scripture reveals that God’s plan for applying this truth is most frequently to be through what we know as the body of Christ. The people of God appropriate and minister God’s truth to one another.

Although we gladly provide our print materials, including curricula for small groups, to all who request them, our ministry is one that primarily works through local churches. Our heart is to support the ministry of the local church and train them in the process of establishing and operating a small group ministry in their own congregations. We are therefore not prepared or staffed to offer counseling or other support service to individuals who contact us. Instead, we refer individuals who call for personal ministry to local churches that are involved in Living Free ministries. To locate a church near you, please visit our website at www.livingfree.com and click the link titled “Help for Life’s Problems.” If you do not have Internet access, please feel free to call our office at 800-879-4770, and we will provide you with this information.

Our small group curricula focus on particular life-controlling problems and help people who carry the bruises of life. Some of our curricula are Bible studies designed particularly for application through 31

small group participation. You will find a complete listing of these curricula on our website.

Although our materials are best used under the protection and spiritual covering of a local church, we recognize there may not be such a church near you. In this event, we would urge you to look for the congregation with a Living Free ministry that is closest to you and call them for assistance and advice, or you might simply discuss with the pastor of your own church the ministry of Living Free and seek to start these groups in your own church. In preparation for your meeting with your pastor, it would be best to take the following steps.

Order some explanatory materials from our website or by calling our office. We can provide you with a brief video or DVD presentation and print information that should quickly and clearly present the ministry to your pastor. Offer to work with them or a designated staff person or volunteer in whatever capacity they would like.

Point out to the pastor that a Living Free ministry in the local church can provide a quality small group experience that has been tested for nearly 20 years in thousands of churches worldwide. Let the pastor know that many churches find that offering these groups to the community at large is an excellent outreach ministry. Hurting people can be reached without adding any new burden of pastoral counseling or additional cost to the church. In fact, many pastors find that their pastoral counseling hours are significantly reduced. Many hurting people who are already members of a local church are often transformed as they find they can drop their Sunday smiles and find healing for the never-before-admitted life controlling problems in their lives. Tell the 32

pastor that this is a lay-led ministry that is fully accountable to the pastor or his designee.

After obtaining pastoral approval, send for the Living Free video or DVD training kit and the Core Team training manual. These may be ordered on our website or by calling our office. Credit cards are accepted, and local churches may establish credit accounts with us.

Ask for a group of people to volunteer for ministry in small groups.

You can then call our office and ask for one of our approved trainers to come work with you, or you can simply go ahead and use the DVD training course. We would also be glad to work with you to notify some people from other nearby churches to participate in this training.

Please call us and ask for help.

Form a Core Team to implement the Living Free ministry and follow the directions provided by the training video or DVD and the printed materials. You will be led step-by-step in a process that has been effective and successful in thousands of churches, and you will soon be reaping a harvest of changed lives.

We recognize that some local churches may not be ready to begin the full Living Free ministry and will instead choose simply to begin offering one of the small groups. This is sometimes quite effective if there is a leader who is a mature Christian and who has at least some small group facilitating experience. Our curricula are designed to be easily followed by the group facilitator and a co-facilitator. If you are choosing just to have the groups, simply order the curricula you would

33

like to use, including the facilitators guide. Do, however, first speak with your pastor and ask that your group be accountable to their designee.

May God bless you as you follow Him!

34

“Is there any good reason why you cannot receive Jesus Christ right now?”

How to receive Christ: 1. Admit your need (that you are a sinner).

2. Be willing to turn from your sins (repent).

3. Believe that Jesus Christ died for you on the cross and rose from the grave.

4. Through prayer, invite Jesus Christ to come in and control your life through the Holy Spirit (receive Him as Savior and Lord ) .

What to Pray Dear God, I know that I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness.

I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins.

I am willing to turn from my sins.

I now invite Jesus Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal Savior.

I am willing, by God’s strength, to follow and obey Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life.

Date

Signature

The Bible says: “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13 “Yet to all who receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God.” John 1:12 Share your decision to receive Christ with another person.

35

References Augsburger, David. Caring Enough to Confront. Glendale: Regal, 1980.

Lee, Jimmy Ray. Concerned Persons Group Facilitator’s Guide.

Chattanooga, TN: Turning Point Ministries, 1995.

Lee, Jimmy Ray. Understanding the Times and Knowing What to Do. Chattanooga, TN: Turning Point Ministries, 1997.

Lee, Jimmy Ray and Dan Strickland. Living Free Coordinator’s Guide. Chattanooga, TN: Turning Point Ministries, 1999.

36