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LAURA’S
Soaps like EastEnders have been acclaimed for raising the issue.
STORY
Twenty two years ago I was a normal 20 year old starting university and enjoying life. Then my dad died suddenly. I found him – the grief was intense.
I
was the youngest of five and we’d lost my mum when I was 12, so he’d brought me up. I was trying to study, holding down two jobs and living alone in my family home. Looking back I was very vulnerable. A friend introduced me to the man. He was 26, originally from Albania and seeking asylum. I needed to fill the huge void in my life and developed a very unhealthy reliance on him. He took full advantage. After moving in he began to turn me against my family, saying they didn’t care. If I went out with friends he’d get angry and say I mustn’t love him. People were telling me something was wrong, but you don’t recognise a toxic relationship when you’re in it. He wanted to get married and have a baby. I know now it was to get asylum. I did fall pregnant accidentally, but I miscarried. The psychological abuse escalated and I stopped going to university. My days were spent washing and cooking for him. He had total financial control; I’d pay for everything because he told me he had no money. When I found a savings book with £16,000 in it we argued and he pushed me into a door frame fracturing my nose. I was ashamed. I knew this wasn’t right but I was so frightened of being on my own. In fact my family were there, scared for me. I just wouldn’t listen. Eventually I asked them to intervene and my brother threw him out. I discovered afterwards he’d used a fake passport to leave the country. My family wanted to press charges but I refused, even then I felt the need to protect him. The experience left me emotionally broken, partly because I’d not grieved properly for my dad. I spent a long time in specialist domestic abuse counselling. It was so good to talk without fear of being judged or having guilty thoughts.
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HELPING A FRIEND IF THEY’RE BEING ABUSED If you’re worried a friend is being abused, let them know you’ve noticed something is wrong. They might not be ready to talk, but try to find quiet times when they can talk if they choose to. Find out more at nhs.uk
HELP AND SUPPORT Samaritans: 116 123 or jo@samaritans.org Women’s Aid at womensaid.org.uk helpline@womensaid.org.uk The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247 Men’s Advice Line on 0808 8010 327 or info@mensadviceline.org.uk ManKind on 0182 3334 244 If you identify as LGBT+ you can call Galop on 0800 999 5428 or email: help@galop.org.uk Gov.uk Forced marriage unit: 020 7008 0151
I always wanted to be an arts therapist, but I’ve seen the difference counselling made so I chose to work in areas where I could help women like me. I’ve since trained to teach, had loving trusting relationships and have four amazing children.
If you’re considering leaving, be careful who you tell. It’s important the person abusing you does not know where you’re going. Women’s Aid has useful information about making a safety plan that applies to both women and men, including advice if you decide to leave.
The experience was such a dark period in my life, but from it I found a path that’s helped me thrive and help other women turn their lives around. I count myself lucky.
If you are worried that you are abusive, you can contact the free Respect helpline on 0808 802 4040.