Inspired by Grief, Founded in Gratitude Family creates Koa Fund to help youth to be 'valiant' BY ROBERT M. WEIR
This story contains content about suicide. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a crisis, please reach out immediately to Gryphon Place at 2-1-1 or 381-HELP (4357), the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. These services are free and confidential.
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n mid-afternoon on Friday, Nov. 8, 2019, Gabriela (Gabi) SuárezStarfeldt entered the bedroom of her 13-year-old daughter, Koa, and found her dead, apparently by her own hand. EMTs resuscitated the girl and rushed her to Bronson Hospital, where she lay unconscious for 13 days until Gabi, her husband, Dean, and their family decided to remove her from life support systems. Koa died, for what Gabi says was a second time, on Nov. 21, one week before her 14th birthday. The girl’s death was shocking, as any suicide is. Naturally, the family struggled with the question “Why did she do it?”
About Koa Koa, a Hawaiian word, means brave, bold, fierce, valiant, warrior. Her family describes her as vibrant and outgoing, expressive and artistic. “We have a lot of treasures — Koa’s writings, art, collections, videos, experiences, stories — in our house and homes and businesses," says Koa’s older sister, Zaria. Among her videos, Gabi says, “are treasures of Koa doing silly things, often with cousins.” The teen was steps away from being accepted to appear on the television series MasterChef Junior, having participated in five auditions and submitted three 20-minute cooking videos. Yet, Gabi says, “that kind of creativity doesn’t come without a price — not fitting in, not resonating with expectations, experiencing dissonance living in this world.” In the months before her death, Koa told her family that she was pansexual, a term that describes people who have the potential to be romantically, emotionally or sexually attracted to people of any gender identity. For Koa’s 13th birthday, Gabi took her on a special “Girl to Goddess” weekend at Gilchrist Retreat Center, near Three Rivers. Gabi outfitted their hermitage cabin with festive décor, including a tree with a 12 | ENCORE FEBRUARY 2025
secret “goddess game” of envelopes and gifts that would inspire Koa’s female rite of passage. She also brought a deck of illustrated Soul Cards, and from these Koa discerned and defined the ways of being for her life: “free, play, joy.” “Most people would not have seen ‘free, play, joy’ in those cards, but she truly saw beauty in everything," says Gabi. "Her outlook encouraged us and many others to find beauty in anything.” Koa's father adds, “People were very attracted and magnetized to Koa.” “Or they were repelled,” Gabi interjects. Dean continues, “Where does this come from? This insight, this depth in a 13-year-old, this creativity to see ‘free, play, joy’ in images that other people might say project fear of the unknown and uncertainty?” Then Dean answers his own question. “She had a different lens on the world than most people.” "She was a pained personality," Zaria says. "In this world, Koa was often conflicted, which caused her pain, both emotional and physical.” Koa had vision problems and debilitating vertigo, sometimes needing a cane to walk. This condition led to struggles at school when other students thought she was faking. In response, she created a presentation with photographic slides, diagrams and drawings. She demonstrated the special eyeglasses and sound and mobility devices she used to manage her condition. She informed her classmates about her physical therapy regimen and sought their understanding of what it felt like to be in her body. In her eighth-grade year, Koa's family began what they refer to as an unschooling approach to her education, giving her educational experiences outside of a traditional classroom. Curious about Latino culture, Koa asked Gabi to take her to Mexico to experience Dia de Los Muertos (Day of the Dead). There, in a pool under a waterfall in Yelapa, the mother and daughter swam like dolphins, sang like mermaids and danced. Gabi says, “We were just silly. Koa told me, ‘I’m so happy, Mamá.’” Top right: KOA co-founders and volunteers prepare for the 2024 Sunrise Gathering. Clockwise from left: Antonio Lennon, Grace Marshall, Gabriela Suárez-Starfeldt, Dean Suárez-Starfeldt, Alexandra Nash, AnneMarie Suárez-Davis with arms around Zaria Starfeldt Dewar, Madeline Murphy-Bartolome and Salma Vardell. Bottom: Koa Suárez-Starfeldt. (Courtesy photo).