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Friday 3 December 2021 InQuire Views expressed in InQuire's satire articles are those only of the writer and InQuire does not endorse any of these opinions, this section is dedicated to entertainment purposes only. We use fictitious characters in our stories, except in regards to public figures being satirised directly.
The Grinch speaks out: why I stole Christmas By The Grinch, Guest Writer TW: abuse, alcoholism, mental health
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Photo by University of Kent
ell, isn’t it obvious? Aren’t you flabbergasted by the fake family festivities that we must be submerged in, once a year? The absolute epitome of over-indulgence, wrapped up in a flaky sense of cheer that peels away at the slightest scratch. Sure, it helps us to smite the cold that we feel biting at our consciences. It encourages us to rise above the evil of winter that bites at our toes. But would we not feel better if we were not standing on our toes in the first place? Attempting to rise above the very nature of ourselves that we ignore, through summer and winter? Sure, let’s pretend for that one month - for that one day – that we love one another. That we care for weird uncle Rob – even though he lingered with a cuddle just a few seconds too long. That we love Nana and Grandad – although they are the real reason our parents are ruthlessly unloving towards us. That Mother didn’t go through post-natal depression, and only decided to stop neglecting us because some c*nt with a psychology degree told her to. That Dad is a fucking alcoholic who, from a young age, ruined our sense of masculinity by sobbing and sipping at his bottle of Christmas joy. Lockdown was the best thing that ever happened to Christmas. Yes - I stole Christmas that one time. And you all moaned and fussed, as if the PS5 had gone out of
stock again for the umpteenth time. You groaned and grovelled for me to give it back, grieving over your lost presents that Father Fatmas brought you for being oh-so malevolent. But you should have thanked me. If you need the season to be the reason you give someone you value an expensive offering – you have lost sight of the spirt of sharing in the first place. Why wait for the winter solstice, or the birthday of some bastard born 2000 years ago. Value you the ones around you – let them surround you. And if that’s not possible - DM them! Tell them they are profound to you. Don’t let capitalism ground you, for this celebration is just another way they are seeking to financially bind you! “Oh great - the Grinch is a bitter Marxist now – typical” – I hear you say as you break your bank account spoiling your children with needless splendours for good deeds they contrived when the brats noticed December on the horizon. That’s the point! It’s all so fucking fake! This counterfeit cry of joy we call out for one day a year, while the other chunky daddy in 10 Downing Street dismantles our god given rights for the remaining 364 days a year. All I’m saying is, I’ll happily take out Santa Claus. Shoot him right out the sky with a 360 no-scope with my Intervention. He deserves it – why does he always give the richer kids better presents, even though they seem to get more obnoxious with wealth? The offers there anyhow. Season’s greetings to all you cult-ey, Christmas c*nts. x
2021: A Year in review By Tahmid Morshed, Website Satire Editor
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t’s basically over. 2021 has gone by like a flash in a pan. Is it a relief? Who knows? Now is an apt time to look back at everything and see what happened. Here are a group of topics and some expert thoughts to go with them.
read the first chapter, but it’s still genius. Go buy it from Blackwell’s, only £9.99. Literally the most affordable book there. Do this or don’t. So were you wondering if you could live life on the edge? The answer is no. Forget whatever you read in those substandard lifestyle magazines. You can’t drink carambola and kale milkshakes to bring back your joie de vivre. Calisthenics won’t make whoever you want jealous. There’s no sash proclaiming you “monarch of the universe” and there’s nothing you can do about it. Ulrich Mayr once wrote a story about this situation.
The Beginning? We started 2021 off with mild dissatisfaction. The first few months were a continuation of the previous year. Nonstop news about the issue that shall not be named. Probably for good reason. There wasn’t much else going on. No forest fires in Australia or scary detergent consumption trends this time. Then spring Admiral Saylor: So where are we? and summer happened. That’s when things got Sailor: Somewhere on the Atlantic seaboard, interesting. We started to get back into the swing sir. of things. The return of music, hyperinflation, the Admiral Saylor: How do we get back to old fall of Rome et cetera. Now we’re in winter and Blighty? NASA is saying a meteor strike might wipe out Sailor: Take a right and another one from Le the South Pole. Honestly, if someone told me that Havre. Dumas was revived and telling everyone D’Artagnan was actually a notorious Life is like a pizza. Reality is the base, philosocryptocurrency fraudster then it would phy is the sauce, and being decked by the ghost of be the cherry on top. an unearthly abomination is the cheese. This tale Was there any fun? Fun existed is why you should be careful. You might end up in (especially for Matt Hancock). Our Rennes and find that the Intermarché is closed. favourite sources of entertainment Now where are you going to find your were still active. Yeah, surprise packaged fish for your stale bread? Lidl? isn’t it? Someone painted a masGet out of here. sive mural somewhere in South Ruminations. Society has shifted Canterbury. Small Nasir released to ersatz relationships that parody any some songs. Time Warner remajor anthropological or sociological leased cool television and films. work from the 70s. Okay, hippies say Fashion went a bit crazy. If you this often, but I have a point. I promwant a more comprehensive ise. Humanity seems to be shifting to understanding of fun then read a quixotic way of handling things. This ‘The Fall of Atlas’ by Harvey year has put a massive spanner in the Blazquez and Mingo Sanz. works. Remember when you’d do a It’s a 250,000-word book on thing and then you know how it would how some people fell from be? But now you don’t know how it the graces of destiny. There’s would be. It’s a right mess. Photo by Chris action, philosophy, and unconCan’t really sit down without the full McAndrew trolled levels of emotion. I only force of impermanence hitting you like a ton
Underworked and overpaid? By Harvey Blazquez, Newspaper Satire Editor Vice-Chancellor Karen Cox Photo by Kieran White, Unsplash
Photo by University of Kent
Satire
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aren Cox admirably took a £55,000 pay cut in 2020 as the university suffered from the financial consequences of the pandemic. This begs the question: if you could also throw £55,000 down the drain how would you do it this Christmas? We’ve dug out the old Casio calculators and have eight options for you. 2290 turkey roasts, 165,000 cheap Christmas crackers, Citizenship in Dominica (well, two-thirds of it), Two undergraduate degrees (and a £500 overdraft), Membership of the Tory Leader’s Group - a chance to influence top politicians, 13 full courses of Invisalign, 305 Toggenburg goats or 10,000 Hot Wheels monster trucks Karen, which of these did you have to give up? Chancellor Gavin Esler Photo by Lasse Bergqvist, Unsplash
Photo by Peter Morrison of bricks. It’s like walking into the scorching sun with factor -50 sunscreen. Sonora called and it wants the sepia filter back! That mysterious figure in the side-lines is yelling “go get ‘em!”. Get what? New yoga mats? But you already have them… In general, you have no idea what is going on. Go beyond the mountains? No, you won’t find the answer to life. It’s not 42. Sport. I don’t know anything about sport. Did Mercedes win F1 again? Who won the Euro ‘2020’ championship? Who cares? Closing Thoughts. Falling so far off the mark, it’s been an uneventful year. It’s better than the previous year though. Don’t take that for granted, December hasn’t happened yet. As Cogent Clarence would say, it’s been a mixed bag. If you had to summarise everything then I still couldn’t tell you. It’s like an undulating blur. At one point you may have seen someone call you a gormless cockwomble in your dreams. It wasn’t a dream; it was your enigmatic relative from far away. They’ve borrowed your favourite baking tray again. Guess who’s not getting a card this year. Congratulations and have a Happy New Year.
Photo by University of Kent
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avin Esler is probably crying after he failed to win Celebrity Masterchef. Greg Wallace and John Torode proudly displayed their lack of knowledge, disagreeing with the guest judges over the cooked-ness of Gav’s scallops. Students at the university collectively shed tears as Torode harshly commented that Gavinho’s sorbet looked more like a soup than a dessert. Gavin (and Stacey) has been known on campus as a soup-lover of sorts. One on occasion he was found shoving boiled £50 notes in a blender, having no idea what to do with his excessive earnings. To be fair, Gavvy Boy has earned the paycheque, with Kent students able to roll out fresh chants aimed at CCCU students in the upcoming Varsity showdowns. You can hear them already “Our figurehead Chancellor was on Celebrity Masterchef – you’ll never sing that!”