ASK AUNTYJI Bollywood dreams

Oh my god, oh my god, Auntyji, you must help me. I have developed an obsession and I think it’s beginning to upset my family members.

I am 49 years old with two kids in their 20s. Auntyji, I was looking around on Netflix the other day but came upon YouTube and found the latest song from the film Thank God. This song is called Manike, and it’s picturised on that Nora Fatehi, and the most beautiful, most wondrous man that ever walked the earth, Sidharth Malhotra. Auntyji, that same afternoon I watched that song 20 timesbecause I was fixated on the khoobsoorati of Sidharth. He is gorgeous in the video, and the way he moves and smiles and looks mysteriously into the distance makes my heart flitter and flutter like a teenager. Auntyji, I’m absolutely obsessed with Sidharth, and while I have not seen his other films, I have watched some songs with him in it and oh my god, he is an angel. Auntyji, I can’t stop watching this video - and last week, I burnt the dal because I was watching the video for the 16th time that day. My kids are worried about me. Auntyji help me, I have lost my heart to this charming heartthrob.

Arre, you lusty billi. So so many questions I have for you. Sharam nahi aati, kya? Kyon mouh kala kar rahi ho? Aren’t you a little bit on the other side of youthfulness to be titillating yourself with an unreachable Bollywood heartthrob? Don’t you have a job? Or a hobby? Or is your hobby being a dasi to a Bollywood god? You are taking this too far, you crazy aurat, if you are starting to burn the dal and your adult children are getting worried about you. Why are you causing them such pareshani in the youth of their lives? More importantly, what will you achieve by lusting after a Bollywood hero? It’s not like he is going to come live in Australia is he? Having said all this, I will now say this. Ok, I watched Manike. OMG. Sidharth is a super god. He is like the wondrous love child of two divine angels - those eyes, those cheekbones, that hair, that smile at 1.08mins and 1.27m and 1.35m…and that perplexed look at 2.24m. Oh, I too am besotted. What witchcraft is this? Mukti do mujhe, mere daata. What jadoo have you done to me, you paapi dayan - hamara to jeena haram hogaaya. Ai haihai. Arre mere Sidharth, see you in my sapna, raat ko.

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