plahenTrump yshis hand

A humorous look at what life would be like in America under Donald Trump

byonetoughguyforanotl1er.

BY LP AYER

Itis lateJanuary2017.Thefarnous house at .

1600on PennsylvaniaAvenue wears atotallydifferent look. J\new shinybrassshingleatthefrontgate loudlyTrumpets to the world whothe flamboyantnewresidentis. Justpastthe maingateoneithersideof thefrontlawnare twola.rge cages,holdingcaptivetherestlessly pacingSiberian whitetigersCruzyandBushy. Itisrw11ouredthattl1erare catsaregiftsto the new resident froma certain Moscow machismo.A show of grudgingadmiration onetheless,the entireexteriorof the White Houseisnowfittedwitl1streams of flashingcolouredlights; the dome is illuminated with megastrobe lights rivalling the bigcasinos of LasVegas.Yes,thisis nowthe world's mostfamouscasino.At the PennsylvaniaAvenue entrance, tl1e beefy securityguardshave now been replacedwitl1 cheersquadchicks inskimpyskirtswaving pompomsto welcome the Chinese high roUers.If the arrivinggambler isa billionaire, a fireballis firedjustlike theone that follows a sixerinaT20game.

Outsidethegatesalargegroupof Americans,mostlywhites,arewavingplacards reading'Trumptriumphs.'111eyhavetheir haircolouredandcoiffuredjustlikethenew OvalOfficeoccupant.Ou01rn11beringchem isalargermishmashof ethnicgroupswaving banners'Trump tragedy, mirroringtheclear divideof tl1eco1mtrycausedbytl1eelection of DonaldTnm1p,foi:merdeveloperand casino mogul.Oops,sorry,he doesn'tlikethat wordanymore.

Besidesmakingmillions asadeveloper in NewYork,Trump's earlyambition was to own casinos outstrippingVegason theease coast.AndsohebuiltTrumpTowerandTaj MahalinAtlantic City. Now\\�th tl1eirgloss gone,\Xlash.ingtonis where theDonald will roll thedicetodecided1efutureof America, evenmeworld.

Onthesouthern sideof tl1eWhiteHouse, tl1elushgreen lawns, wherevisitingworld leaderswould address membersof the press in bygonedays,arenow markedwimwhite Linesand pegged forsub-division tohouse prestigious mansions. Donald's developer DNAisnowon fulldisplay.

After agabpresidential inaugurationchat resembled aglobalglam-fesr,mingsseem tobe movingaccordingtoplan.Bucnot forlong.Reportsfromsecretariesof key departments like Finance,Defence,lnland Securityetc.listunexpected problemsarising fromhisthreecore promises -ban the Muslims,blocktheHispanicsand banish tl1e Indians -parroted duringthecampaign Arrival loungesinmanylargeairports that were oncecrammed,now look desolate Flightsfrom thel\1iddleEasthave ceased altogetherfoUowingDonald's decision todenyentrytopeople from tl1atregion. Etihad and Emirates don't liketo flyempty planes,evenasspendtlu-iftsheikhsstayput duetoshrinkingoilwealth.

On tlieotl1er hand,departurelounges arepacked,witnessinga masse.xodus. Dejected with thePresident'sofficeturned intoaprestigepoker machine palace,pious ·Muslims,aversetogambling,areleavingin droves.Specialprayer roomsbui.ltat many airports, havingnotmuchusenow,are convertedto minicasinos expectingbigtime gamblers from South-EastAsia.

SmartIndian computergraduateswho oncesawAmericaas thesoftwaremeccaare headinghome witl1 manyof d1emdeniedHB visasandnogreencardsinsightin thisonce greenerpasnu:e.TrumphasdecbredtheIT fieldas tl1epreferred domain foronlytl1ose guyswhoareasAmericanascherrypie.

Lengtheningtheexitlinesof leavers includepeoplefromMexicoandcountries fi.u:thersouthasHispanicsdon'tcommand muclirespectfrom tbenewCommander-inChief. Sincetheydon'tpossesspropertravel documents,theytrudgemroughthe secret n=elstheyonceusedtocome in.

Acrisismeetingisheldintl1eSituarion Roomasmajorbanl,sandfinancial institutions aregrindingtoa halt, witl1 many of theirspecialist software staff havingleft theco1mtry.Same story atNASA,where Indians forma large partof thesea.ff,wirn spaceshuttles stuckonthe launch pads.The Presidentissuesanurgentordertostopthe flightof Indians.Backflipone

The loudestpromise made atTrump's campaign rallies-buildingawaUalongwitl1 Me.xico tostop the Hispanics-hascome to astandstill becauseof shortageof labour, most of whom areilioseamigos from d1e adjoininghnd who, rakinglow wages,helped tobuild tl1eeconomy.Anotherpresidential edict'blockthe nmnels' goesour. Second card turns updud.

"\'(/ill youallowLondon'snew mayorto come in?' asksajournalist. Donald ducksfor cover.

'Heis trtm1ped,ohmyGod!' I shouc.

"CallingOLttGod;had abaddream?" mywifewakesme up. Ifeelsheepish.The Americanelectionisstillseveralmontlisaway.