Satire The Chronicle • May 24, 2023
Your Colleges, My Opinions By Georgia Goldberg University of Chicago: Was four years at Harvard-Westlake not enough? Jesus Christ. Yale University: Where are you going to school? Oh, in New Haven? How cool and subtle of you to not say Yale. New York University: If I hear the city is your campus one more time… University of Colorado Boulder: No one from Harvard-Westlake is going. Perhaps those interested were too stoned to meet the deadline. École Hôtelière de Lausanne: I love you Allegra! Stanford University: Apparently, Computer Science is a requirement there. Who knew? Cornell University: Welcome to Ithaca, the city that never sleeps! Brown University: Incredible! Perfect! A 10/10! On a totally unrelated note, does anyone know if the wait list is still active? Asking for a friend... Northwestern University: Battle-tested journalists only. Harvard University: The new University of Chicago (refer to overheard_ hw on Instagram for more information).
Dear Representative Bladen
Wesleyan University: A truly incredible education with a side of lung cancer.
By Davis Marks
Colgate University: Obligatory toothpaste joke.
Congratulations on your election to the Studio City Neighborhood Council. It was a fierce race with zero competition. You didn’t even need to have any runoff elections, unlike our dearest Prefects. We know your compassionate and strong leadership will benefit the community. Now that we have a close relationship with someone in power, we have a few constituent requests:
Boston University: “You don’t need to study –– you go to BU.” Washington University in St. Louis: The Harvard of St. Louis. Columbia University: Hey, remember when you guys lied about your statistics? Laugh out loud!
Dear Representative Bladen,
Southern Methodist University: They don’t check your GPA –– they check your tax bracket. [This joke has been written by Becca Berlin]
1. Convince Studio City local newspapers to join HW Media. The Chronicle joining HW Media next school year is just the first step in your path towards journalistic imperialism.
Un i ve r s i t y of California, Berkeley: If you have a 4.0 just say it.
2. Threaten to evict Erewhon unless they give us a student discount. Those smoothies are expensive, and our journalistic thirst must be quenched.
University of California, Los Angeles: Getting some much needed distance from your family, huh? University of Pennsylvania: Okay it may be a good school but it has the WORST alumni. I mean, Donald Trump, Elon Musk, my parents… University of Michigan: Wow, really seeming to Mich out on a lot of qualified candidates. [This joke has been written by a sophomore.] Princeton University: Ew, New Jersey? Really? Georgetown University: Jewish girl in a Jesuit world.
Courageous Crossword Answers
3. Work on creating public transportation from the North Gate to Ralphs. Our sophomore writers have told us their legs are tired from us forcing them to walk to Ralphs to buy us snacks.
5. Slow down the River Park approval process. Whenever we don’t have ideas for the Community News section, we just write about River Park. River Park’s completion would harm us. 6. We noticed that Studio City does not have an official motto. We think it is time for this to change. How does “Transparency, Accuracy, Objectivity” sound? 7. Use your executive authority over Studio City to ask Jackson to let us park next to Weiler Hall. Walking from the Senior Lot makes us tired, and journalists need to be fired up and passionate. 8. Ask Studio City residents to
call Mendocino Farms by its government name. You’re going to Mendocino Farms, not “Mendo.” 9. Force Staples to give us a free printer. Right now, only Assistant A&E Editor Kriste An can print from her laptop, and she is tired. 10. Connect us with a local odor removal business. The Sports Room smells absolutely rancid on this Saturday afternoon. If you’re curious what “rancid” means, we can only describe it as a mixture of sweet, sour, cheesy, tangy, spicy, organic and purple. We look forward to seeing how you serve our community. We believe in purpose beyond ourselves, so we hope our requests to better the Studio City community are listened to. Best, The Chronicle Staff
Learning and Growing and Striving and Thriving By Zoe Goor and Hannah Shahidi What we’ve learned in our time as sophomores: •Chronicle is our sport. And that is okay. -Zoe •No, it’s not. -Hannah •Don’t make jokes about Yearbook Advisor Jen Bladen in your satire articles. •Think before you tweet. •Skip the stairmaster; just walk to the library. •Waiting in the sandwich line is always worth it. -Zoe •No, it’s not. - Hannah •The sweet potatoes at Erewhon are so good. Not a joke, just a very strong opinion. •Driving is hard. Why not just coerce a senior into doing it for you instead? •Buying a bottle of water in the cafeteria every single day is much worse for the environment than dumping chemicals in the LA River. Get a hydro flask. Or a Stanley, if you’re being trendy. •The Hailey Bieber smoothie does not make you look like Hailey Bieber. We tried.
•The activities fair is like the Hunger Games because 90% of those clubs die a week into the school year. •Video Art is objectively the coolest extracurricular because it gets you into the Westflix afterparty. •Tap Out is the closest thing to athletics I have ever done — aside from debate. -Zoe •Tap Out will give you IBS. -Hannah •Prefect Council.......wait... what does Prefect Council do again? •You will get trampled when you’re buying tickets for the Sierra Canyon basketball game. Sorry, it’s just inevitable. •Whatever the weather app says, dress for the opposite temperature. The Studio City sun has a mind of its own. •The best part about River Park is not its environmental impact, it’s the Save Weddington AG Jeans merch collection. •Pulling an all-nighter isn’t bad for you as long as you shotgun a Marquis drink from the cafeteria before 8 a.m.
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What we’re looking forward to for junior year: •Getting less than six hours of sleep every night. •Being able to sit on the quad without being heavily judged. This year has been a struggle. •Replying all to any Prefect Council emails about East Coast Prep Day. •Never having to take a sex-ed class with our deans again. •Complaining about homework without getting judged by upperclassmen. •Not having to relearn what a double replacement reaction is in every single Chemistry class. •College Kickstart. We don’t really know what this is, but all the Juniors are always talking about it. Must be fun. •Running for Head Fanatics and promptly slandering all of our opponents. •Being excluded from Chronicle Secret Santa. Some things never change. •Not having to run to Weiler during our English class break. Oh wait, is that just an us thing? •Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) because there’s never enough T-Swizzle. •Driving to school, and then getting our steps in walking from the junior parking lot. •Growing the staffs of the Elbow and Panorama from two to three dedicated journalists. Preferably four, though that may be pushing our luck.