B8 Features
The Chronicle
March 22, 2023
Wolverine guide Etiquette Guide (not satire) By Claire Conner
digital
Amigos
school
MonEy
* Zoom vs. Facetime— Facetime for everything, only Zoom for school. Everyone's sick of it.
* Driver gets the aux, but if you’re close friends, you can ask to add songs to the queue. If you consistently carpool with someone and usually drive, you should offer to let them put on one of their playlists.
* Don’t publicly complain about a grade that’s above a B+.
* Definitely tip any waiters and delivery drivers 20% as a minimum.
* It’s OK to ask for someone’s study guide if you didn’t make one, but if you did make one and have a friend who keeps using you for notes, it’s also OK to lie and say that you don’t have one.
* Venmo immediately.
* In text, only use lowercase “haha” and “lol” when adding them to your own sentence. Using them as reactions indicates that you don’t think the joke you’re responding to is actually funny. * Don’t text someone “we need to talk.” * Read receipts are yucky. * Only turn on read receipts in an emergency.
* If you make eye contact with an acquaintance (someone you’ve talked to at school or a party but aren’t friends with) in public, you should smile and nod or say hi. Otherwise, you don’t have to acknowledge them but can if you’d like to. * If you live far away from someone else in the city, you mostly have to suggest a neutral meeting place with an equal commute. Some caveats: a person has to pay for their own gas, a person can’t drive, etc.
* Splitting the bill is standard, but asking for separate checks is always okay, especially if someone orders more than everyone else.
* Never take up more than 10 minutes of a friend’s time to get help on schoolwork that isn’t a group assignment, unless they offer to help you — and then insist on continuing to work with you after that time period, even after you’ve acknowledged the time they’ve spent. Between faculty, peer tutors, the learning center, and other classmates, you have plenty of resources.
Curriculum guide (satire) By Georgia Goldberg
er find a way to justify imperialism?
Alright you asked for it, so here it is (for the second time): the Official Chronicle Curriculum guide. But I know a lot of you are sitting there saying, “Georgia, didn’t you do this very same article last year?” And to that I’ll say, shut up, nobody cares. But now, you’re saying, “Georgia, you didn’t take all of these classes, how could you possibly know what you’re talking about?” And to that I’ll say: wasn’t America, our great nation, founded on ill-informed opinions? And also, shut up, nobody cares.
Honors US History: You’ll absolutely love this class — but only if your teacher is Tate Sheehy’s dad.
English English II: Read classic literature like the Sparknotes Frankenstein Summary & Analysis. Honors Junior Seminar: You definitely don’t have a highly unhealthy emotional attachment to your English teacher.
Honors US Government and Politics: Put your best suit on and ready yourself for the ultimate fight: The Woke Left versus The Fiscal Conservatives, Social Liberals (tickets cost three hours of homework). Corequisite: an active Twitter account. Interdisciplinary Studies Middle East Studies: The Subtle Art of Bulls**tting Your Way to an A-. The Ethics of Social Media: Yes, this is a real class at our school. I’m guessing it’s a front for money laundering. What else could explain it?
History and Social Studies
HW Media I-III: Grouping us Chronicle elites with the lowly yearbook and broadcast kids is a TERRIBLE idea, so we’re just going to do these classes the way it should be:
The Rise of the Modern World: The question is: how will your teach-
Modern Journalism: Advanced Gossip and Cult Studies
Fanfiction Writing: The school finally gave in to the Harry Potter club’s relentless demands and created this class.
Corequisite: hating yourself and loving endless work Yearbook: I don’t know much about this class, but the yearbook kids are always talking about some book called “Holland My Heart.” Don’t know what that’s about. Broadcasting: Because print media is dead. Cinema Studies I: Introduction to Napping. Prerequisite: Quiet snoring. Cinema Studies II: I hope you hate movies directed by women! Prerequisite: Sexism. Ladders: This class is all about ladders. Honors Topics in Computer Science: Single-handedly caused the Silicon Valley Bank failure. Catalyzing Change: Entrepreneurial Thinking: Venture’s latest futile attempt at making a successful class. Math Calculus AB: Learn how to derive joy from your life.
[Joke credit: someone who did the mean tweets survey] Multivariable Calculus: Ultimate Frisbee and Nonsensical Equations Corequisite: a Harvard (or ed2 UChicago) acceptance letter Performing Arts Dance: Basically identical to Kate Hudson’s NYADA dance class. Musical Theater: Awww cute, you think you can get a lead in the musical just by taking this? Prerequisite: Understanding Kate Hudson joke
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Science Chemistry: It might be hard for you, but everyone else thinks it’s easy. Honors Molecular and Cellular Biology: The only thing scarier than Mr. Axelrod’s wolf howl ringtone will be your grade in the class. Honors Physics II: I’m sure you appreciate Dr. V’s “teaching” style. AP Physics C: Start canceling all your plans now. You already have a quiz to study for. ILLUSTRATION BY JADE HARRIS